The Emptiness Inside

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I posted here a few weeks ago but can't find it now.

Myself and my girlfriend of 8 years broke up yesterday. Basically we had got to the point that we were both stuck in the same routine for over a year. And while we were enjoying it, she finally stood back and looked at us together and at us as individuals. She came to the realisation that we were two completely different individuals that the two that got together 7 years ago. This was primarily down to the fact that everything we did, we did together and we kinda got stuck doing that.

There was two of us in it but I can't help but blame myself for not putting in more of an effort. But to be honest I was just blinded by the routine and was happy.

After a long hard talk yesterday I completely agree with everything that she said and feel the very same way (as hard as it is). The thing is we still both love each other to bits. But she needed us to break up to find the space to find herself and she said I do to; and she's right.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, it's just really, really hard for me at the moment. We both cried, we both said we loved each other and that we'd miss each other terribly. As I said she was right in what she said but I can't help but feel empty inside knowing that we are apart. She's my best friend, the one I confide in with everything and vice versa. Now that's gone, just like that. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk away from her yesterday.

I don't cry to often, in fact I never do but I'm in tears writing this. Just needed to let it out.

Thanks for listening.

snowy2008

is love and friendship not enough to keep you together, relationships arent all about passion and sex, its about compatability and friendship and more importantly respect, would you get back together with her, would it feel right?

LegacyUser

You see she used to have loads of plans and ambitions and things like that. With the rut we got stuck in we kind of lost our way. Everything we did depended on the other person and if one of us weren't around the other would end up sitting in watching TV or something alone. She said it got to a point that she looked at herself and she wasn't the same person she used to be - the ambitious, bubbly independent girl.

I tried making suggestions on how we could make it work but she was committed to her decision of needing to be on her own to find that person again - the person that was so ambitious career-wise, that wanted to travel etc.

We both said that if down the line we were to meet up and the feelings were still there or that we missed each other that we could try again. We had time apart recently as she was away and I did alot of soul-searching myself and everything led back to her. She's the one for me. But I felt I had to respect her decision. It's something she needs to do.

LegacyUser

hey, im really sorry for what you are going through at the moment,, i dont have experience in his but ive no doubt that whatever happens this is for the best.. if ye are meant to be together ye will be and all this will be sorted out and will only make ye stronger.. you dont really appreciate what you have until its gone, and no doubt by the sounds of it both of you will miss each other like crazy.. keep your head up and as you said, start doing things alone/with friends, if and when you do get back together do not drop these activities but keep them,,

id imagine couples together this long can become stuck in a rut and have routine days,, but ye also need to spend time and do stuff apart.. this break could be just what ye both need...

best of luck and ive no doubt it will work itself out,,

snowy2008

did she say she still loves you? why cant you go travel with her

LegacyUser

Hi In Bits,
Sorry to read about your break-up. The pain you feel is obvious. I can empathise because recently something similar happened to me after a similar term relationship.

Looking at the cold hard facts in our case, it was probably the right thing to do as neither of us was really happy with how things were. A sense of complacency can set in, a sense of settling once the sparks have dampened down. But that didn't or doesn't make it any easier. The pain is still there, the loss, the sadness, the tears, the hurt.

I can see Teresa2008's point too. There is a multitude of facets that go towards making a relationship. The balance of all those things will be different for each couple, and the emphasis of importance each partner applies to each facet. And if one person wants to breakout from the relationship, then there's little the other can do.

In Bits, there's no easy way round this for you but the next while will be tough and you are only in the first few days of this. Some compare the break - up of an LTR as like a bereavement: a few think it can be even more devastating than that. There are feelings of loss, sadness, grief and break-ups often have hurtful issues of rejection too.

I would say that, tough as it is and is going to be, be aware of what is happening, allow yourself the time and space to grieve this painful loss. You can handle it and there will be a day when this doesn't hurt as much any more.

LegacyUser

Yes she said she still loves me and will miss everything about me. But the only way she can see forward is to be apart from me. She can't find herself while I'm there. Maybe it's the fear of the routine still being there - I don't know. I offered everything I could but it's something she needs to do and will probably do it with more success with no ties to me.

Thanks all for the replies. I'm trying to keep busy but it's in my head constantly and it like I've lost a major part of my life. It's exactly like Towhead put it that it's worse than a bereavement. I just want her in my life and now she's not. But there are no feelings of anger on my part. I respect her wishes.

I made so many friends through her and I'll miss them as well. We both want to stay in contact but we both feel it will be a while before that can happen.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. What you have here is a very mature and intelligent girl. She saw what was happening and acted to stop it before you started to hate each other.

Of course it is heart breaking. Did you make mistakes ? yes. But nothing all of us haven't done at one time or other. It is completely human. Yours just went on a bit too long.

Give her the space she needs. Allow her the physical and emotional separation. It may not be the end of the line, but if it is to rekindle it will only do so if she comes back of her own accord. Try to avoid lingering texting etc etc etc.

Naturally you cannot sit around and wait forever. And I think you need a bit of freshness too. So try to get busy and do some more socialising. One thing I am guessing you did was lose contact with your old friends... if so then get back with them and get out and about.

Give it some time... give yourself some time... give her some time..

All the best

LegacyUser

Thanks VaioCruiser for the reply. You're right in everything you said. I do need to get out there and find where I was at before the rut kicked in or rather where I am now.

It's just so hard to see past this. Everything, I mean absolutely everything I see reminds me of her. After so long being together I suppose it gets like that. Simple things like trying to watch a DVD is killing me because most of them I've seen with her and I remember back to that time.

Sorry for ranting again. Just finding it hard to get to sleep :-(

merlie

In Bits wrote: »

Thanks VaioCruiser for the reply. You're right in everything you said. I do need to get out there and find where I was at before the rut kicked in or rather where I am now.

It's just so hard to see past this. Everything, I mean absolutely everything I see reminds me of her. After so long being together I suppose it gets like that. Simple things like trying to watch a DVD is killing me because most of them I've seen with her and I remember back to that time.

Sorry for ranting again. Just finding it hard to get to sleep :-(

Hello OP,

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I am currently going through the painful aftermath of a devastating break up of a nearly 6 year close relationship. I know all about the painful torment of watching dvd's, some tv programmes, music and other things, that remind of a loved one that is not with you any more, only to well.

I do know one thing though. If she said she loved you, then why is she not with you? I ask this simply for the fact that if you care and love someone would you not want to be with them? I granted the fact that she wants to go and find herself but sometimes that can lead a person to grow away from you. My advice. do keep in contact, cos then she will know that you are still about, that you still will be there to help and advise her and if she needs anything you can be there for her. Keeping a distance is all well and good but don't leave her to her own devices and let her go completely.

I know it is all tough for you but somehow you will have to bear it and I know it hurts. I have taken to reading, writing and painting again, something I haven't done in a long time. It helps to keep thoughts distracted for a time. I break down and cry every now and again, cos I too, lost my companion and would give the world to have him back again.

I wish you all the best and luck in the world in getting your relationship back on track. You need to communicate and keep the doors open but in the meantime, do things for you and look after yourself.

Merlie

Moomoo1

merlie wrote: »

I do know one thing though. If she said she loved you, then why is she not with you? I ask this simply for the fact that if you care and love someone would you not want to be with them? I granted the fact that she wants to go and find herself but sometimes that can lead a person to grow away from you.

I actually wanted to say the same thing. If you really love someone, then why would you do what she did? I don't buy this 'ambitions and travel' excuse: how exactly does a partner hold down ambitions? How exactly does a relationship make 'finding yourself' difficult? It does not. What exactly is she going to do now that you are gone that she couldn't do whilst being in the relationship? I mean, you are not even married/have children (which is by itself a little strange after 8 years).

Stuck in a rut - then break out of the rut, together. Yet she chose to leave, so I wouldn't really trust what she says.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP. What you have here is a very mature and intelligent girl. She saw what was happening and acted to stop it before you started to hate each other.

I'm a bit confused here. How would you say she's mature? Because from where I'm standing she projected all her feelings of failure on the OP and their relationship. There are many things that we'd love to do that never come to pass. Do you think its fair to blame your relationship for your unfulfilled ambitions. The OP hardly sounds like the type of guy that would have tried to stifle the girl, in fact quite the opposite, he sounds like he would have gone along with anything she wanted to keep her happy - including breaking up. I can't say I find any maturity in the girl blaming their relationship for what she thinks has gone wrong in her career.

Moomoo1

unregistered wrote: »

I'm a bit confused here. How would you say she's mature? Because from where I'm standing she projected all her feelings of failure on the OP and their relationship. There are many things that we'd love to do that never come to pass. Do you think its fair to blame your relationship for your unfulfilled ambitions. The OP hardly sounds like the type of guy that would have tried to stifle the girl, in fact quite the opposite, he sounds like he would have gone along with anything she wanted to keep her happy - including breaking up. I can't say I find any maturity in the girl blaming their relationship for what she thinks has gone wrong in her career.

exactly. Running away generally doesn't equate maturity.

starchild

hi op

sorry to hear about your break up, i know irs unbelievably tough what you are going through, i have gone through it as have many others and you will get through this and you will come to a point where you feel better again.

Just on what you have said, dont focus to much on this being in a rut. Living with someone and loving them is not a rut, i think your partner approached this in a very honest and open fashion and that is to be commended but what it seems to me is that she more than you wanted out of this relationship. That is fine and i dont criticise her in any way for it. Stop blaming yourself, if things had entered a routine, well either of you could have done something to stop this not just you.

I would say break all contact, it is the only way that you will get your life back in order. It is possible this is a complete break or it is possible that she comes back to you but in the meantime live your life for you.

What i think is important is how you approach the next couple of months.

The best way to avoid the terrible feelings that you have at the moment is to occupy yourself. I found jogging and exercising to be the best thing as it leaves you worn out and able to sleep plus you begin to feel good about yourself.

keep a clear head dont go drinking loads as it will only depress you.

Try find some new interests but most of all just accept this and dont be afraid to talk to people even if they are strangers. If you have no one to talk to keep posting here as it just helps to get those feelings out in the open, best of luck to you

LegacyUser

Thanks for the messages of support everyone.

Today is worse than yesterday. I've tried occupying myself with work yesterday and today. Today is a real struggle trying to put on a brave face when I'm dying inside.

VaioCruiser

unregistered wrote: »

I'm a bit confused here. How would you say she's mature? Because from where I'm standing she projected all her feelings of failure on the OP and their relationship.

I see no such thing in his post. She has not blamed him or their relationship for anything.

There are many things that we'd love to do that never come to pass. Do you think its fair to blame your relationship for your unfulfilled ambitions.

I see no indication of her blaming him or their relationship for anything.

The OP hardly sounds like the type of guy that would have tried to stifle the girl, in fact quite the opposite, he sounds like he would have gone along with anything she wanted to keep her happy - including breaking up. I can't say I find any maturity in the girl blaming their relationship for what she thinks has gone wrong in her career.

Again and again please disclose where in his post he indicates any blame placed by her on their relationship ??

She seems very mature in that she has recognised her issues. She has recognised that their relationship has been sliding and is stale and has been open and honest with him and indeed he has stated that he feels the same way. She, and he, then dealt with it in an excellent manner and decided to take a break and split. Something that is far wiser than to plough ahead and find themselves in a bad marriage, possibly with kids one day...

He is upset and downhearted now but he has a lot to be thankful for. And maybe ... just maybe they might survive this and create an even stronger relationship one day.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi In Bits,

I was in the same place as you this time last year. I had broken up with my bf of 7 years due to getting in the routine and being complacent and general taking one another for granted. I went down the road of staying in contact. A couple of weeks later we got back together but our hearts weren't in it.

Then about 6 months after that we broke up again- more of a mutual decision this time. We came to a joint decision that as much as we cared about each other we could not remain friends. So we went down the no contact route.

About a month past of totally no contact at all between us as hard as this was for both of us. We took time out thought about what had been wrong...what we would do differently. He made contact and had the big talk and I had the big talk. The time apart as hard as it was was just what we needed. Time to reflect. To make totally independent decisions. We got back together and we are in a better relationship now that we have taken the time out and choose to get back.

If she is meant for you she won't pass you in bits. Give her space and time. Fill your life with your own interests. Get really really busy. Meet new people. Get a feel for the single life again.

Android 666

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I see no such thing in his post. She has not blamed him or their relationship for anything.

I see no indication of her blaming him or their relationship for anything.
Again and again please disclose where in his post he indicates any blame placed by her on their relationship ??

She seems very mature in that she has recognised her issues. She has recognised that their relationship has been sliding and is stale and has been open and honest with him and indeed he has stated that he feels the same way. She, and he, then dealt with it in an excellent manner and decided to take a break and split.

Sorry, I was unregistered last time, I've just joined up. Here is what the OP said in an earlier post:

'You see she used to have loads of plans and ambitions and things like that. With the rut we got stuck in we kind of lost our way… She said it got to a point that she looked at herself and she wasn't the same person she used to be - the ambitious, bubbly independent girl. I tried making suggestions on how we could make it work but she was committed to her decision of needing to be on her own to find that person again - the person that was so ambitious career-wise, that wanted to travel etc... She's the one for me. But I felt I had to respect her decision. It's something she needs to do.'

To me, that infers that she blames the relationship for her lack of ambition on her part and I know sometimes when you are in a relationship you can very easily take your foot off the pedal but you know it can be quite easy to shake it up again and get some sparkle back. You don't have to end it. And from what I'm reading he was willing to do anything to keep her and it wasn't a mutual decision.

Anyways OP, good luck in the future, its going to be tough over the next while but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and life I think will work something out for you…

LegacyUser

Hi All.

OP here again. Thanks so much for all the replies and messages of support.

So the weekend didn't go very well. I did my usual and tried to busy myself. Went down home and family and friends were really supportive. I tried to eat as well and did eat a bit - not half as much as usual though. The thing is I found myself breaking down alot - not in front of anyone, but when I was on my own. Everyone was making an effort to include me in conversations etc. but that made it worse, it was like the support and kindness I was getting was upsetting me.

Went out on Saturday night for a few drinks with mates and all was fine, I chatted as best I could, laughed at jokes but deep down in my gut I felt like there was something missing. It felt empty. Went home that night and cried myself to sleep.

Obviously I can't get it out of my head. Kept re-hashing everything over and over again to myself. All the regrets I had about what happened, why I couldn't make it work etc.

We both had a part to play in the routine that set in but I'm feeling maybe I trapped her a little too much and when she finally saw this that she thought the best way to undo the rut was to break away and find herself on her own as opposed to us working through it together.

This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It hurts like hell from the time I wake up until I finally get to sleep in the wee hours. I can't believe I let it go this far. Like we had spoken once or twice about being together forever, marriage and where we'd settle down; now it's all gone. A huge void has taken it's place and all I can think of is that the only person who can fill it is her.

malibles

OP, after reading your posts, my heart goes out to you. It seems like you and this girl had a very close connection and were very much in love. I know it has been said so many times to people who have been in the same position but time really is a healer.

Myself and a bf went our separate ways last year ( we were by no means together as long as you and this girl) but maan it hurt like hell so I can't even begin to imagine the hurt you are going through after so many years.

All I can say is just try and make yourself busy, a big part of life is having things to look forward to. So plan things for the next few weekends and even during the week, get together with friends and join new clubs.

Its hard to make things seem right or even bearable when the hurt is so new and there seems to be a long road ahead. People told me that with time, things would be fine but to be honest I thought they were just saying that and that I would never get over it. Since then there has been the odd night we have kissed but texting, ringing, meeting up etc has ended. I really hope you can gather your thoughts and find some closure during this hard time. I would not advise going straight out and finding another girl because that might not be fair on both accounts. Take your time, plan things to look forward to and with time things will get easier. You never know what might happen with time after this girl "finds herself" etc, what's meant to be will be and things happen for a reason.

Look after yourself OP....

Moomoo1

OP, I really don't think you are being fair to yourself. You were happy to work on things, and she wasn't, she ran away. It's totally her fault in this case, you are totally blameless.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

flibbertyjibbet

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, I really don't think you are being fair to yourself. You were happy to work on things, and she wasn't, she ran away. It's totally her fault in this case, you are totally blameless.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

I don't see how she was running away, she and the OP sat down and she explained how she was feeling and what she wanted to do. The OP said that they discussed it and that he agreed with her and felt the same way. After this they split up. She was up front about things.

If she's having doubts about where she is in life then I think it was very mature of her to let the OP go to get on with his life while she's figuring things out, instead of dragging him along in an unhappy relationship until she sorts out her issues. It was no doubt very hard for her as well to do this but she let him go to continue on with his life and find happiness. If she had carried on in this relationship feeling this way, it could well have been a source of great stress and pain for both of them.

She wants to travel and work on her career prospects, there's nothing wrong with that. I would commend her for wanting something and doing something about it. She probably does need to be alone for a while in order to this right, she probably would make different decisions if she was alone than if she was in a relationship, it does influence how things will go. I bet if the girl posted here saying she felt stuck in a rut, that she didnt like the person she'd become, that she wanted to travel and work on her career, people would be calling her selfish and telling her to split up with him.

To the OP, what you're going through now is normal and you WILL come through it. Continuing as you were wouldn't have made you happy and wouldnt have made her happy. I think it's best for you both to have space and maybe re-evaluate things in the future. Just continue as you are, seeing friends and family, crying, remembering, talking about it, keeping busy, it will get easier. Best of luck

Moomoo1

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

She wants to travel and work on her career prospects, there's nothing wrong with that. I would commend her for wanting something and doing something about it. She probably does need to be alone for a while in order to this right, she probably would make different decisions if she was alone than if she was in a relationship, it does influence how things will go. I bet if the girl posted here saying she felt stuck in a rut, that she didnt like the person she'd become, that she wanted to travel and work on her career, people would be calling her selfish and telling her to split up with him.

you don't need to leave a happy relationship to travel and work on your career. That's the crux of the matter. Plenty of people manage to do exciting things and travel in a relationship, so why couldn't she? As I've said, she took the easy option and ran away.

she said she still loves him, but how can you love someone and then go and hurt them in this way? I am a bit suspicious about that sort of 'love'. I wonder if the problem for her was that she wasn't feeling 'it' any more rather than anything else. In which case, the OP has absolutely nothing to blame himself about.

flibbertyjibbet

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you don't need to leave a happy relationship to travel and work on your career. That's the crux of the matter. Plenty of people manage to do exciting things and travel in a relationship, so why couldn't she? As I've said, she took the easy option and ran away.

she said she still loves him, but how can you love someone and then go and hurt them in this way? I am a bit suspicious about that sort of 'love'. I wonder if the problem for her was that she wasn't feeling 'it' any more rather than anything else. In which case, the OP has absolutely nothing to blame himself about.

But it wasn't a happy relationship. He said in his original post that when his girlfriend looked at the relationship and at the people in it, she felt they had changed in that 7 years and the only thing keeping them together was the routine and habits built up over 7 years. He also said that as difficult as it is for him to admit, he felt the same way. I think she does genuinely love him. If you've spent 7/8 years of your life with someone it will take a long time for the feelings of love to go away, but you can still love someone and know that at the end of the day, the relationship isn't right and isn't giving you what you need. I don't think the OP has anything to blame himself about either, but I think that when many people lose something they feel as if they should/could have done more whether this is true or not.

Moomoo1

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

But it wasn't a happy relationship. He said in his original post that when his girlfriend looked at the relationship and at the people in it, she felt they had changed in that 7 years and the only thing keeping them together was the routine and habits built up over 7 years.

he didn't actually say that :-)

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

He also said that as difficult as it is for him to admit, he felt the same way.

he didn't say that either. He said that he agreed that things weren't working, but he was all for working together to put them right.

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

I think she does genuinely love him. If you've spent 7/8 years of your life with someone it will take a long time for the feelings of love to go away, but you can still love someone and know that at the end of the day, the relationship isn't right and isn't giving you what you need. I don't think the OP has anything to blame himself about either, but I think that when many people lose something they feel as if they should/could have done more whether this is true or not.

well, I would say that if you truly love someone and feel the relationship isn't giving you what you need, then you at least spend some time and effort trying to adjust the relationship to give you what you need.

As for blaming himself, there are cases where people could have genuinely done something to save a relationship, but this isn't one of those cases, and the OP has every reason to feel very hard done by. It's a bit like people whose partner ran off with someone else wondering what they could've done to prevent it: the answer is 'probably nothing'.

OP - how about going off and spending a couple of weeks doing something which you always wanted to do and which she would have never considered doing? Somewhere with lots of totally new people and lots of totally new experiences? Something that would put you away from your mobile phone/internet/anything you've known previously?

LegacyUser

Hi again.

Thanks again for everything. This place is the only place I'm able to let absolutely everything out at the moment. I probably need to clear a few things as well.

Basically this started about a 16 months ago. I started and got stuck in a dead end job and to ease financial worries I worked extra at the weekends as well. This was primarily to get back on track financially whilst saving at the same time. Looking back now it was sometime before this that we got stuck in the routine of doing the same thing all the time. Me working weekends obviously didn't help matters at all. But at the end of the day it was all for US. I wanted to save what I could to be one day be able to buy a property for us. But it turns out I got stuck in that rut too long and so did she. We were used to the same thing all the time - me working weekends etc. and because of my situation I was somewhat cautious of where my money went.

Looking back now I think all of this contributed to the rut. Despite me trying to sort myself, I think I lost myself in my dead end job. With the ways things are at the moment, as hard as I tried, I couldn't find another job that would offer me more.

So now I find myself back in the green again, but with the same dead end job and without the love of my life.

Now that's my side of the story. And that's why I say I think I might have trapped her a little. Thinking about it now, she got stuck in the rut as much as I did about 6 months before all of this happened. We were as happy as could be but oblivious to what our relationship was becoming. Neither of us were bringing anything new to the relationship. We depended on each other.

Now that's she's gone I feel emptiness, regret and all the rest of it. I feel like I've lost half of my body.

We had so many names for each other - "lovey-dovey names". I told her that night we talked that I can't bear the thought of not calling her by one of those names. She replied - "And I hope you know that there will never be another [insert name here]". It's eating me up :-(.

Thanks again for listening.

Moomoo1

it sounded like a temporary rut induced by circumstances though. I still don't see why it was neccessary to break up to get through this. If you don't like what the relationship is becoming, then you act together to change this. Especially after you've been together for so long.

VaioCruiser

I really find it sad and unfortunate that so many people who post to these kinds of threads find it so necessary to lay prejudicial blame on one side or the other.

Life throws many challenges at us. We all deal with them differently and we bring different skills, weaknesses and history to them. How deal with these challenges does not always involve one party being to blame over the other.

This girl has shown a lot of maturity and the OP also. He is hurting now. She clearly loves him and opened up to him about the whole situation. It is a nonsense to say that we can never hurt the one we love. She gave him the best gift, which was the truth, and they BOTH agreed that splitting was the best solution.

I hope time will help both of them to grow a bit more and come back to each other.

All the best.

Moomoo1

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I really find it sad and unfortunate that so many people who post to these kinds of threads find it so necessary to lay prejudicial blame on one side or the other.

Life throws many challenges at us. We all deal with them differently and we bring different skills, weaknesses and history to them. How deal with these challenges does not always involve one party being to blame over the other.

This girl has shown a lot of maturity and the OP also. He is hurting now. She clearly loves him and opened up to him about the whole situation. It is a nonsense to say that we can never hurt the one we love. She gave him the best gift, which was the truth, and they BOTH agreed that splitting was the best solution.

I hope time will help both of them to grow a bit more and come back to each other.

All the best.

I am just trying to convince the OP to stop blaming himself so much, that's all. Because the blame lies elsewhere here.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I am just trying to convince the OP to stop blaming himself so much, that's all. Because the blame lies elsewhere here.

Thanks Moomoo. To be honest I think we were both to blame.

The reason I'm blaming myself at the moment is partly because of the state I find myself in and also, probably more significantly, that I didn't move the relationship forward. I had planned to propose to her and maybe if I had at the time we both might have had alot more direction in our lives.

LegacyUser

Well it's a week today and although I'm starting to get used to the idea of her not being around I still miss her terribly. I miss everything - the sound of her voice, the cute little things she used to say, the anticipation of seeing her at the end of the working day, the daily long hug after a day at work, her trying to figure out what she wants for dinner.

So I've kinda got used to the idea of the bed being empty every night but I still can't get her out of my head. I wish I knew how she was and what she was thinking. I love her now as much as ever. Words can't describe the way I feel about her.

I still haven't felt anger yet. Although last night I did start down that track and then her smile popped into my head and I missed her instead.

Should I be feeling angry?

Angry at us for letting it go this far and neither of us saying anything?

Angry at her for not wanting to face our problems together and running away?

Angry at me for not being more assertive and just going through the happiest period of my life on a day-by-day basis not noticing that I should be moving forward?

It's a sickly feeling having so much regret and being able to do nothing about it.

Moomoo1

In Bits wrote: »

Thanks Moomoo. To be honest I think we were both to blame.

The reason I'm blaming myself at the moment is partly because of the state I find myself in and also, probably more significantly, that I didn't move the relationship forward. I had planned to propose to her and maybe if I had at the time we both might have had alot more direction in our lives.

I was just going to ask why you didn't propose earlier... so thanks for answering that one for me. As for finding yourself in that state, there are millions of men who find themselves in the same sort of rut as you, and their partners stick around and are actually supportive rather than run off? So stop blaming yourself. You have to have more faith in the decisions you took in life, even if they in hindsight turned out to be wrong ones.

You mention anger in the other post... yes I do think you should feel angry, although not with yourself, but with the way things have turned out. In fact I'd have felt anger from the first moment she opened her mouth to say she was leaving - for the reasons I've already went on enough about above.

starchild

i would say its natural to feel angry, if you are let it out as its pretty destructive for you to be feeling this way, just remember that she did nothing wrong, the relationship was at a stage where for now it had run its course

Try and move from anger into acceptance and things will progress better for you, some people get through break ups easy, some find it horrendous almost like grieving, keep talking as it helps a lot

LegacyUser

Hi In Bits

Im in a very similar situation to you - me and the bf broke up a month ago after 3 years together. I constantly blame myself, should have appreciated him more, should have been more affectionate, should have acted differently..

But you know what, the relationship failing wasnt my fault. It wasnt his fault. It was nobodys fault! Im sure he's thinking to himself that there are things he would have changed about us too.

It takes time, and a lot of time, but time is a great healer! We've been apart now 4 weeks and slowly its getting a little easier to accept, im starting to eat again, starting to smile (laughing may take a while)

Im also after getting so ambitious.. was never that type, was always happy with how things went but now im like getting out there and getting done what i want to do!

Im joining social groups, started furthering my education, hitting the gym, taking time and money to spend on me, bought a puppy.... just filling my life with life with wonderfulness so the pain eases.

It will get better.

Hate to sound hopeful but who knows, maybe a year down the line ye may get back together. Then again maybe not. But this experience will shape you for the future... new relationships( furthest from your mind right now) but you can put these experiences to use. This may be paving the way for you meeting your Ms Right in a few years.

Chin up - you WILL be ok x

LegacyUser

Hi all.

It's two weeks ago today that everything went down. I've improved slightly as regards talking about it but it still hurts like nothing I've ever felt before underneath. I've been trying to keep as busy as possible and I'm thinking of going back to college on a part-time basis so that will get me out and about again.

I've had a few bitter feelings about the whole thing but still no feelings of anger as such. I'm mostly bitter about the fact that we couldn't actually talk it out earlier which might have solved the problems we were having. Instead all I got after 7 and a half years was a two hour conversation. TWO HOURS after what is roughly a third of my life.

We spent so much time together and our lives were so closely linked that I'm having alot of trouble with memories. Everything we did was together. Everything around me is a reminder of her - either presents or things we bought together etc. It's not really things like pictures and stuff. It more material items if you know what I mean. Absolutely everything reminds me of the time we had and it's upsetting that all of it is gone.

Is there anyone that can tell me how to cope with these sort of memories that just keep popping up when I don't expect them to? Anyone else experience the same thing?

Thanks for listening again.

Moomoo1

In Bits wrote: »

I've had a few bitter feelings about the whole thing but still no feelings of anger as such. I'm mostly bitter about the fact that we couldn't actually talk it out earlier which might have solved the problems we were having. I

This is exactly what I tried to highlight earlier and the reason why I felt you should have been a lot more angry (with her) before than you seemed to be. Really, people's true colours come out in how they treat others when things are not going so well, and maybe you thought better of her in those 7 years than she deserved to be thought of... so the only way of dealing with it I'd suggest is stop putting her on the pedestal and realise that you didn't actually do all that much wrong...

btw you say 7.5 years is a 3rd of your life? Does that mean you are only 23? In that case, all your life is ahead of you really... just adopt the attitude of 'she was a bad apple, but life must go on'. It's probably very unfair to her, but that's the only thing you can do really in my opinion...

LegacyUser

Sorry Moomoo, I got my calculations wrong. It's about a quarter of my life devoted to this girl.

I do think she acted a bit hastily and we could have worked through it in my opinion. On the flip side of that if she doesn't feel it then there is no point. But the thing is she said she would miss me too, everything about me/us. On top of that she spent about of week of talking this out with her parents and a close friend and said she spent most of it in tears, not eating, not sleeping etc. It doesn't sound like a decision she came to lightly. But of all that the part that's getting me is that if she spent a week talking it through with people, why did she just come to this decision and talk it through with me for a measly 2 hours?

Moomoo1

In Bits wrote: »

Sorry Moomoo, I got my calculations wrong. It's about a quarter of my life devoted to this girl.

I do think she acted a bit hastily and we could have worked through it in my opinion. On the flip side of that if she doesn't feel it then there is no point. But the thing is she said she would miss me too, everything about me/us. On top of that she spent about of week of talking this out with her parents and a close friend and said she spent most of it in tears, not eating, not sleeping etc. It doesn't sound like a decision she came to lightly. But of all that the part that's getting me is that if she spent a week talking it through with people, why did she just come to this decision and talk it through with me for a measly 2 hours?

I don't know why she didn't talk it through. Maybe you can ask her that when if/when you meet, along with why the hell she didn't give you more of a chance and an advance warning that things weren't right (like most normal people would be expected to).

What's important to you is that it's the action (ie leaving you) that counts, not anything else. To give an example, it doesn't really matter if Rasputin murders the old lady with an axe after months of agonising about it (which he did) or just on the spur of the moment (which he most certainly did not). What matters is the act. That's what you have to focus on. If someone did it to me I'd hate and despise them for it. Not because they are a bad/evil person, but because they've hurt me. Maybe it's self-protection: if you hate someone it's so much easier to get over them. And that's what you seem to be asking about: how to get over someone.

If I were you I'd take a two-week break somewhere to get away from it all (if money allows), or take up a new hobby (use the free time to read up on your Joyce, or maybe do some voluntary work that involves working with people)... and then when you feel like it maybe ask to talk to her and tell her everything you told us. Or not, I don't really know about that last one.

CDfm

OP it seems a bit odd on the logic side. We love each other so lets break up.

You have invested 8 years of your life in this and have a huge emotional investment so as an explanation it sucks and you have a right to feel bitter angry and all those things.

It seems to me this suits her and not you so she is being selfish and quiet frankly the finding herself argument doesnt wash. She is treating you badly.

It does beg the question if she was the stronger partner and doing the decision making etc. So dont be so quick to say she is all nice and that the break up is best for you too.

Discussing it with parents and close friend is twaddle as "evidence" that she is doing the right thing as what are they going to do -disagree with her?

So OP I would put up a better fight for the relationship if that is what you want and look for proper straight up honest answers which after 8 years you deserve. She is treating you badly like a doormat.

Now there is there is the old adage that to get over someone get someone under you so if you are up to start dating if you can.

dogbert27

Hi OP. I've gone through the whole thread and found myself agreeing with everything that MooMoo has said.
To say that after 7 years you're both not the same people that started out as a couple. Well jesus, talk about stating the bleedin obvious! No two people in a long term relationship are the same as they were when they entered it as single people.
All long term relationships enter a rut/routine. Happens all the time with me and my OH who wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch tv, go to bed and do it all over again the next day! We talk about our days and show interest in each others work issues though both professions are unrelated so neither one actually understands what the other one is talking about but we show interest non the less! When this routine finally gets on our nerves we say it to each other and we both decide to do something to break the mould together like plan a weekend away or even just go to cinema mid-week instead of make dinner and watch tv. It's not exactly backpacking across asia but it snaps the routine!
Did the girl at any time in the 7 years say to you "lets go travelling for a year?" or "I think I'm going nowhere with my job I need to find a new one, will you support me with my decision?". Which I'm going to assume you would based on the tone of your posts. It sounds like she let things get to a head, 75% made a decision in her head to end it. Talked to friends and family for a week to get the extra 25% support to convince her and gave you a measly 2 hour conversation.
To me this sounds like a girl who's nearing her 30's and is pressing a panic button (oh my god my 20's have past me by and I've spent them with only one guy!)
I'm angry on your behalf! Have you told her that you wanted to marry her? Have you told her that you wanted to buy property with her? Have you told her that you would support her travel plans and life/work ambitions as her partner and work in the future to avoid getting stuck in long ruts (as said all relationships have ruts, they're not avoidable)?
If she rejects all this then she's not being honest with you. She clearly sees her 20's as ending while being with only one guy so she wants to go out and be single and have fun with out any responsibilities (i.e. her relationship to you). She wants to meet other guys if the chance comes up. She wants to do what she wants when she wants without thinking of anybody else. This is what someone means when they want to "find themselves". No matter how much you "find yourself" while being single you will always have to sacrifice a piece of yourself when you enter any relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies people.

Moomoo, the Rasputin analogy was spot on. I'm still not able to feel that anger but I'm really glad to have something to put it in context with.

She sent me an email today. During our chat we both mentioned the things we'd miss and the people we'd miss. She mentioned members of my family as did I. Just so happens one of her siblings got results during the week from exams and in a moment of weakness during this I said I was looking forward to how they got on and that I was going to miss that now. She said she promised to let me know. And she did. Got the email today anyway. She asked how I was, how everything was going, etc. She also said that she hoped I didn't mind her contacting me but she had promised to let me know how the exams went for her sibling and that she wanted to keep her word.

To be honest I was knocked for six when I saw the email come through. Delighted to hear the news but it cut me up really. I want her in my life all the time.

Now I don't know whether to reply or not. Part of me tells me to leave it (she wanted her space - let her have it), another part tells me to reply saying everything is grand, delighted to hear the news etc., and the other part tells me to reply and say that I'm delighted to hear the news but that I'm still a shriveled, broken excuse for a man that is trying so hard to get through each day that he can't see past tomorrow.

What do ye think?

CDfm

Just ignore it.

The results make no difference to your life.The hard part for you is to live your life accepting that is the case(that the relationship is over).

Seeing that its Friday night why not go out with friends or whoever to the local singles spots as a free agent. Thats the important thing for you and if you hook up with someone you like all the better.

You are more important then some randomer's poxy results.

Moomoo1

OP, certainly do not reply saying 'all is grand'.

You can do two things: 1) not reply at all and see what happens or 2) reply and somehow make it clear how much your are feeling hurt and lonely and betrayed by everything but at the same time avoid coming across as a nervous and emotional wreck, give the impression that you are in total control of the situation. Now that's not easy but doable. Something short and snappy preferably. It's a good idea to limit yourself to one sentence or a few short ones.

But I would say that before you even talk to her you need to change your perception of the whole situation, knock her off the massive pedestal you've built for her in the past 8 years. It's the most ironic and sad thing about relationships to me, but to attract someone you have to get over them. It's once you get over her that you'll have the best chance of getting her back, terrible as that sounds.

PS: something funny I saw on the internet just now: recommends the same course of action:

Aftir he leeft, Ich did reede of the book, the which is yclept, The Bromance of the Rose. It ys writen by Judd Da Poitou, and featureth a Dreamer (Seth Rojean) that enterteth the fayre garden of the lord of pleasure. Yn this garden, the Dreamer looketh depe ynto the fountain of Narcissus, and in yts cristal watirs he seeth a fayre and delicaat Rose. The Rose ys also a woman bycause this ys an allegorie and allegories are lyk that. He falleth in love.

So the Dreamer loveth the Rose, but a numbir of evil allegorical figures appeare to nip the relaciounship in the bud. Daungier, Ful Schedule, Incompatible Musique Tastes, Office Gossip, and Uninformed Gender-Based Assumpciouns al rear their allegoricallye ugly heades. The Rose rejecteth the Dreamer and thus he ys in the dogge-house (yt is an allegorie so he actuallie ys in ther wyth the dogg).

At thys poynt in the Bromance of the Rose, the Rose pretty much disappeareth. The Dreamer doth seek the advice of Freend. The Freend taketh the dreamer to hys “man cave” and ther thei playen of electrique guitars and the Freend convinceth the dreamer that the Rose ys an inadequate substitute for male companie. The Rose ys forgotten, and the two men go to “Owls” and also Vegas and playen of pool and foozball and joustinge and chevissaunce. It was lyk the average afternoon at Henri Bolingbrokes house, but wyth fewer beheadinges.

LegacyUser

Moomoo I took you're second suggestion and sent a reply, keeping it short congratulating on the results and that I was doing just okay, and keeping busy as best I could.

Within minutes I received a reply saying thanks and all the rest of it, signing off with "I'm doing okay, trying to keep myself busy in the evenings".

TBH I was shaking writing the mail. I think I'll leave that last response for a while before I reply, if I reply. Or am I wrong?

Moomoo1

well, I guess that was ok. But did you make it clear to her that you were, in spite of being able to handle the situation, feeling very hurt and lonely? Was it obvious that, whilst you feel you are able to handle the situation, that you are very unhappy with the way things are turning out?

Maybe something like 'However I cannot help feeling really sad about how things have turned out, as I felt we had something special together, something that would have lasted for many years into the future. Whatever the benefits of breaking up were according to you, to me they just don't seem worth losing that special thing for. The problems we had, they could have been sorted out without paying this terrible price.'

Something which basically shows you are in control, but makes it clear what your wishes as regards the course of action for you two are.

Beruthiel

Honestly OP, cut all contact with her.
You state you are in bits over this, chatting and talking to her will drag the whole healing process out.
If you are shaking over sending one e-mail, this should tell you just how much of an effect she is still having on you.
It's not healthy and it won't help to mentally torture yourself.
You need to get over this asap.
From experience, I can tell you a break up like this can take at least 6 months to get over (at least that's how long it took me).
It does get a little easier with each passing day, but you need space.
You need to get past her.
This means looking forward and understanding that this part of your life is now over.
It ain't easy. But you will be a stronger person once you come out the far side.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi again.

Sorry for posting again but it seems to help get things off my chest when I write them down. Well things are getting a bit easier. The last few days I've been getting back to myself and am able to function properly again to a degree mostly because I've somehow been able to concentrate on other things.

She's still always on my mind though. I'd give anything to know what she's thinking or what she's doing (not in the stalker kind of way but in the way that I used to know everything).

Other times I'm able to actually think things through. I had a great chat with a very close friend of mine (well we're not in contact much but she still knows me inside out) and she like alot of people here said that it doesn't seem logical decision on her part to break away like that. Especially as anytime she had seen us over the last few months she noticed that we seemed a lot closer and affectionate towards each other, if we were out in a group or whatever, than we had maybe two years ago.

This got me thinking again today that there must be something more to it and that she might have been trying to appease me or ease my pain when she said that she wanted "to find herself". I've even gone down the route of thinking that maybe she actually fell out of love with me and didn't feel it anymore - that thought hurts even more. But on the flip side of that how can one fall out of love with someone in such a short space of time?

Maybe the routine had trapped her feelings and it wasn't until she took a step back she realised!?! But again, after loving someone so completely (and I know she did) for the best part of 8 years, how can the feelings just whimper to nothing?

Moomoo1

so you didn't send her the email I suggested in my previous post?

it's great that you are recovering: keep it that way. When you feel recovered enough to not be 'in bits' and lead a normal life, maybe write her a letter and ask her all the questions you have posed in this thread.

There are two independent processes here. One is your mental state. The other is finding out what the hell went wrong between you. It's paramount that neither of those affects the other.

LadyMayBelle

I haven't got much to advise you here In Bits, only wanted to said I cried reading your messages here, my heart goes out to you at this hard time. That's all, and if it helps writing it down, do
x

Aurora Borealis

This thread has seriously pulled at my heart strings. It's such a low to feel and one that sometimes feels unending. I do think, as advised, that in order to get any perspective on this, an eight year relationship, you need to give it the appropriate space. I'm sure you're both going through hell but contact over the next few weeks will only serve to confuse more.

Relationships differ obviously and some can take contact shortly after. I recently split with someone and it's amicable and light-hearted coffees have been had, but then again that relationship was months long not years. I've been in something similiar to what you're going through now and though I wailed the house down at the time, my then partner knew we needed no contact and he was right.

Take some time to breathe. And that's what you need to do, just breathe. You will be okay if you look after yourself by not putting yourself in situations or positions that will cause you further pain.

I really wish you the best.

LegacyUser

Like a few other posters, this post has stirred up some old memories. I've been there In Bits and 'in bits' is exactly how I would have described myself. My ex and I weren't together as long as you guys were but I can still remember the real physical pain i went through. I couldn't believe no-one had warned me about how much it would hurt, and I remember vowing never to fall in love again

'No contact' is your only option. It's really hard but it makes you so much stronger.
I'm not sure if you're allowed recommend websites but I credit this blog:
gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com
with getting me through my break-up. I randomly came across it and it gave me the kick up the ass I needed.

I had a few stumbles along the way but it's a year now since we officially broke up and I can honestly say I've never been as happy. And I never thought I would say that. Staying out of touch was the best thing I ever did. Best of luck OP. I might not seem like it now - but you WILL get over it! x