College accommodation: her feelings versus my needs

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a regular on Boards but I'm faoi rún here with this seemingly minor problem.

I'm 36 years old (the problem) and I'm going with a girl for almost 6 years (the problem #2). We get along very well but for the obvious: I should have married her long ago. I didn't because I didn't have the money as I was working on my doctorate. I've got that now but I have to go back to college to get a professional qualification ( the problem # 3). Yes, I know what some of you may be thinking but believe me I feel badly enough about it as things stand.

Anyway, I'm going to UCD to secure that professional qualification this year but I'm finding it remarkably difficult to find appropriate accommodation outside campus. A studio flat on Waterloo Road, for instance, is well over €400, old and damp, the cheapest I can get and it doesn't have wireless internet (which I genuinely need).

In contrast, living on campus is far and away the cheapest accommodation available - at c. €400 per month - and I'm sure of wireless internet access, quality accommodation, nearness to my lectures/library and simple functionality (the problem #4). At a purely functional level, it would work perfectly for me. I'm very quiet and extraordinarily studious so who I'm staying with wouldn't matter too much to me as long as it's quiet. That sounds cold to my girlfriend, but very practical and honest to me. Most importantly, I could maximise my study time by being near UCD. I really and genuinely am thinking of it in a functional way.

However, the problem is it will not work for my girlfriend who finds it rather - nay, extraordinarily - depressing that after 6 years going out, and at 36 years of age I am even contemplating looking for campus accommodation. She *now* has little problem with my returning to university in order to secure this qualification, but she is not for turning about my living on campus at my age. No matter what I say, no matter what I do: this is a very emotional issue for her.

I have said to her that I won't return to campus, but I do need a place to stay of a similar quality and price outside campus. She has never offered me an alternative. We have tried to talk about it, as we *successfully* do about everything else. I love her to bits, and we are just sound together. She (and her parents') has offered me her parents' home not too far from UCD as accommodation for the year, but obviously I don't want to go down that road of living in their home (where they still live). I know, given the emotion involved, I cannot really live on campus given her solid, albeit in my view irrational, opposition to it. Nevertheless, as I will be starting college this week I desperately need a place outside campus which will keep her happy and fulfill my purely academic needs for the forthcoming year.

Does anybody have any halfway house between her opposition and my needs? It would be greatly appreciated. Until I reach that point I will be travelling the 35km each way every day to and from UCD, otherwise known as 3 hours of every day. To my mind, that is a stress I should be able to live without.

Thank you all very much in advance for any advice.

amjon

35k? Get a bike and some waterproofs.

mikemac

3 hours to travel 35km?

Hell you'd cycle it in less time and have time to spare
Get a good bike and cycle it.
Or get a motorbike and commute

3 hours?? :rolleyes:
Don't know what you're currently doing but it isn't working

Agent J

Ok.

She has a problem with you living on campus?

I'm still at a loss as to why exactly. There is some part of this missing I feel.

Is she afraid she wont see you as much if you live on campus?
Or is she afraid you might(And no offense intended at all) stray?

Her irrational feelings vs Your needs?

Needs should win out if the feelings are irrational. You can talk to her and try to re assure her about whatever insecurity she might have but realistically she cannot tell you where you can live.

Dúlagar

Dúlagar wrote: »

Anyway, I'm going to UCD to secure that professional qualification this year but I'm finding it remarkably difficult to find appropriate accommodation outside campus. A studio flat on Waterloo Road, for instance, is well over €400, old and damp, the cheapest I can get and it doesn't have wireless internet (which I genuinely need).

If you're limiting yourself to places with internet you probs shouldn't - mobile broadband is 20euro a month ^^

Good luck

LegacyUser

I'm in Meath, and traffic is bedlam in the morning. I'd cycle it, but even going on the Bus Lane it takes 1.30min each morning, and the same in the evening. Actually, I checked AA Routes from my home to UCD and it is 44.10km rather than 35km. Cycling is not as quick.

LegacyUser

mikemac wrote: »

3 hours to travel 35km?

Hell you'd cycle it in less time and have time to spare
Get a good bike and cycle it.
Or get a motorbike and commute

3 hours?? :rolleyes:
Don't know what you're currently doing but it isn't working

That's 35km (at least) each way, by the way. I have to come home!

Eve_Dublin

Have you been affected by the track collapsing on the Dublin-Belfast commute? If this is the case, then the commute could easily take you 3 hours or more. I travelled more than 35 kms to UCD on a daily basis and it took me two hours but I took the lazy mans way that didn't involve much walking...could have got there quicker if I opted for the other option. I'm the queen of commuting within Dublin if you need advice on a quicker route (that is unless you're affected by the incident on the Dublin-Belfast line), let me know.

I have to say, I'd have massive problems with my 36 year old boyfriend of 6 years living on campus. Don't you have to sign your girlfriend in if she stays the night?? That certainly won't do wonders for your sex life or even your social life...UCD is miles out....and it's a college campus full of noisy students that don't really appeal once you finish your undergrad and particularly if your not a student of any level. To be honest, someone choosing to go back to college full time at your age can put a strain on a relationship but living on campus as well?? I think you need to compromise a little bit here OP. You're being quite selfish. If you haven't found suitable accommodation for under E400 at this stage, then you're not trying hard enough. I'd have my suspicions that you're making excuses because you WANT to live on campus, regardless of how your OP feels.

You need to put yourself in her shoes for a sec and look a bit harder.

Eve_Dublin

Dúlagar wrote: »

I'm in Meath, and traffic is bedlam in the morning. I'd cycle it, but even going on the Bus Lane it takes 1.30min each morning, and the same in the evening. Actually, I checked AA Routes from my home to UCD and it is 44.10km rather than 35km. Cycling is not as quick.

Have you looked around the campus for ads for accommodation? There were quite a few there a few weeks ago...

Can you two not move out together??

Edit: Take out the selfish bit above...missed one of your paragraphs.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

You sound like a perfectly reasonable and rational guy.

However you have forgotten one elementary fact of relationships, and that is it has nothing to do with rationality, or logic. It's about emotion.

I suggest you stay with the parents for a few weeks or a month or two. Hell you are planing to get married and are almost a son in law anyway ! and though it may not appear to be a less than desirable option, I would suggest to you that it is by far the most 'rational' solution... :cool: so it should really appeal to you ...

While there you can look at your other options. Sharing a house ? out along the DART line ... to Killiney, Clontarf ... Killester ?

All the best

wylo

So you want to spend at least 400euro a month on rent just to move 35km to study? Do you drive? Do you live with her now? 3hours my arse. Thats a quick spin in and out.
Your calling her the irrational one?

Eve_Dublin

wylo wrote: »

So you want to spend at least 400euro a month on rent just to move 35km to study? Do you drive? Do you live with her now? 3hours my arse. Thats a quick spin in and out.
Your calling her the irrational one?

Living on campus means little or no sex and social life if his girlfriend is not a student...she sounds pretty rational to me. I can see both of your points-of-view...what reason did she give?

MissHoneyBun

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

To be honest, someone choosing to go back to college full time at your age can put a strain on a relationship but living on campus as well??

I think being told what to do at 36 years of age might be what's putting a strain on his relationship.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I think you need to compromise a little bit here OP. You're being quite selfish. .

Yes how selfish of him posting here looking for ways to accommodate his girlfriend. You clearly missed the bit where he said he'll be commuting to keep her happy in the meantime.

OP I always managed to find decent accommodation when I was in UCD and 400 was the max I ever paid. Drop down to the Student's Centre and the accommodation office will have lists of suitable off campus accommodation.

Also Glenomena is designated on campus accommodation for PostGrads and older students only and would be much different to living in Merville or Roebuck.

parker kent

This might help you get over the attraction of campus accomodation...it is really not worth the money! I did a Masters last year and lived on campus and I would not do it again. For starters from this September, they will not allow guests stay over. So you could smuggle her in earlier in the day if she wanted to stay the night but it is a pain. The gates that have been built give the place a nice prison feeling...we started calling it "the cell" when they were built!

Secondly, you will be living in Glenomena which I had severe problems with and from reading the UCD forum, is being opened up to undergrads who are not in their final year. I don't know if you would really be OK living with them. I am only in my early 20s and I felt like I was from a different planet to the final years living with me. As a 36 year old, they might see you as a soft touch cleaning wise and leave it all to you. That's what happened me anyway. Also add in that you will not have an oven. Plus when you actually want to sleep at 3am, trying to nod off in a room beside two people having loud, drunken sex is not ideal! The paper thin walls did not offer much protection (I hope they had protection though:D)

So I think your gf has saved you a year of annoyances. Since leaving campus, I'm living in Donnybrook and I really wish I'd just done that last year. 15 mins walk from UCD and there are places in your price range. And if you were prepared to share with 1-2 other people some excellent places are available. I really think you are not missing out on anything by not living in UCD. For the same money, there are plenty of much better apartments near the college.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I have to say, I'd have massive problems with my 36 year old boyfriend of 6 years living on campus. Don't you have to sign your girlfriend in if she stays the night?? That certainly won't do wonders for your sex life or even your social life

No, nothing like that is necessary. It may be in some guide books for 1st year undergrads but as far as I know you only have to "sign in" on rag night and that's about it. I most certainly is not a regular occurence on UCD campus.

I think what really bothers her about my being on campus is that her friends all have their fellas working in the "real world" and are full contributing members to society unlike me blah blah blah. Yes, this is an underlying issue which campus accommodation is accentuating, and which has much more to do with her insecurity than mine. But such is life.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

...UCD is miles out....and it's a college campus full of noisy students that don't really appeal once you finish your undergrad and particularly if your not a student of any level.

In absolute fairness, UCD campus accommodation is not "miles out" from UCD, which is where I will be every day.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

To be honest, someone choosing to go back to college full time at your age can put a strain on a relationship but living on campus as well?? I think you need to compromise a little bit here OP. You're being quite selfish. If you haven't found suitable accommodation for under E400 at this stage, then you're not trying hard enough. I'd have my suspicions that you're making excuses because you WANT to live on campus, regardless of how your OP feels.

You need to put yourself in her shoes for a sec and look a bit harder.

Fair enough, Eve. Fair enough and thank you so much for the female perspective. However, I have been through daft, rent.ie and boards.ie (accommodation section) and there are consistently no offers comparable with uni accommodation.

Here, for instance, is Daft.ie south city, under €500: http://www.daft.ie/searchrental.daft?s[cc_id]=ct1&s[a_id]=ga3&s[mnp]=&s[mxp]=500&s[bd_no]=&refine=Refine&search=1&s[search_type]=rental&s[furn]=&s[refreshmap]=1&search_type=rental


And in D4, under €500:

http://www.daft.ie/searchrental.daft?s[cc_id]=ct1&s[a_id]=pc4&s[mnp]=&s[mxp]=500&s[bd_no]=&refine=Refine&search=1&s[search_type]=rental&s[furn]=&s[refreshmap]=1&search_type=rental
And


€500 per month is too expensive for me, but there is so little under €400 to talk about.

muboop1

http://www.daft.ie/searchsharing.daft?search=Search+%BB&s[cc_id]=ct1&s[a_id][0]=pc4&s[mnp]=300&s[mxp]=400&s[room_type]=either&s[gender]=male&s[move_in_date]=0&s[available_for]=5%2B&s[search_type]=sharing&s[transport]=&s[advanced]=&s[price_per_room]=&s[furn]=&s[refreshmap]=1&s[sort_by]=distance&s[sort_type]=a&limit=10&ref_area[ct_id]=1&id=533055

there ya go, a house on upper leeson st, nice area, nice rooms(know the area)
46a comes every 5-10 mins.
145 just as often
10 if you want to walk

about 15-20 mins bus to ucd.
Mature older ppl to live with etc...

broadband
cheaper
Available from the 1st September
double bed
etc etc

Mate, for a PHD student etc... you didn really luck very hard did you?

Go on Daft.ie and check up rooms to let in Dublin 4
Loads available!

I'm thinking this is all a big excuse tbh...
I live in dublin and used to gladly spend 3-4 hours commuting a day!
No biggie. Study time!

muboop1

Sorry for double post, but realised that place says shared room?

I dunno, there are others up there!
Look about!

muboop1

muboop1 wrote: »

there ya go, a house on upper leeson st, nice area, nice rooms(know the area)

Yeah, except it's a shared bedroom with two single beds. He's looking for himself and OH.
Anything double though, I mean OP two people paying together should be fine?

Eve_Dublin

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Yes how selfish of him posting here looking for ways to accommodate his girlfriend. You clearly missed the bit where he said he'll be commuting to keep her happy in the meantime.

Yes, I did if you see my post above with the edit...sorry OP

Eve_Dublin

Unregistered wrote: »

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I have to say, I'd have massive problems with my 36 year old boyfriend of 6 years living on campus. Don't you have to sign your girlfriend in if she stays the night?? That certainly won't do wonders for your sex life or even your social life

No, nothing like that is necessary. It may be in some guide books for 1st year undergrads but as far as I know you only have to "sign in" on rag night and that's about it. I most certainly is not a regular occurence on UCD campus.

I think what really bothers her about my being on campus is that her friends all have their fellas working in the "real world" and are full contributing members to society unlike me blah blah blah. Yes, this is an underlying issue which campus accommodation is accentuating, and which has much more to do with her insecurity than mine. But such is life.



In absolute fairness, UCD campus accommodation is not "miles out" from UCD, which is where I will be every day.




Fair enough, Eve. Fair enough and thank you so much for the female perspective. However, I have been through daft, rent.ie and boards.ie (accommodation section) and there are consistently no offers comparable with uni accommodation.

Here, for instance, is Daft.ie south city, under €500: http://www.daft.ie/searchrental.daft?s[cc_id]=ct1&s[a_id]=ga3&s[mnp]=&s[mxp]=500&s[bd_no]=&refine=Refine&search=1&s[search_type]=rental&s[furn]=&s[refreshmap]=1&search_type=rental


And in D4, under €500:

http://www.daft.ie/searchrental.daft?s[cc_id]=ct1&s[a_id]=pc4&s[mnp]=&s[mxp]=500&s[bd_no]=&refine=Refine&search=1&s[search_type]=rental&s[furn]=&s[refreshmap]=1&search_type=rental
And


€500 per month is too expensive for me, but there is so little under €400 to talk about.

I know a couple...one is doing her PhD and one is working full time....she lives on campus, he doesn't. She has to sign him in before 12 o' clock if he stays the night and he barely sees her because she spends more time studying because she's on campus then she would if she wasn't (which I understand is good for your qualification). He's not happy and he's a reasonable guy. All I'm saying is I don't think your girlfriend is being irrational, that's all. If the two of you move in together, it would be cheaper, no?

parker kent

Unregistered wrote: »

No, nothing like that is necessary. It may be in some guide books for 1st year undergrads but as far as I know you only have to "sign in" on rag night and that's about it. I most certainly is not a regular occurence on UCD campus.

At the risk of repeating myself, that has all changed in UCD now. They have locked gates which are manned by security men. If you gf is not a student, she will not get in after 11. So she would have to be in your room before then. And add in that the beds are barely big enough for one person.

If you share a place with somebody, for 8-900 euro you will get a good place. Anywhere in Donnybrook, Ranelagh, Rathmines, Dundrum, Terenure are within walking distance of UCD. I agree with your gf that on campus is not really suited to your current needs. Moving to any of the above places will not affect your studies and importantly, will keep your gf happy.

Eve_Dublin

Sorry one last thing OP...could you give these numbers a call and see if they can drop the price?? I've heard (but it might not be true) that you can haggle the price down because there's so many properties available at the moment and if you're around the campus, check on the notice boards around the shop and the student centre for ads...I'm sure I saw a few there last week with rooms for E400 and under close to UCD. Maybe drop into a few letting agencies? They can sometimes bargain the price down with the landlord.

Oh and I meant UCD plus campus is miles out (of the city centre and places to socialise)

Failing that, not sure what you can do to keep you both happy.

embraer170

You're 36, together six years and not living with your girlfriend? Maybe that's what she's disturbed about... ?!! You sound down to heard and trying to find a solution to accomodate her feelings but I can see where she's coming from.

b3t4

First of all, why can't ye move in together?

Second of all, your girlfriends parents are being very generous and beggars can't be choosers. How about staying there while you look for a place? Unless they are a nightmare from hell, some people are.

Why are your only options campus or bedsit? Have you thought about getting a room in a house with other people? You'd probably have to take a box room or that but you're a student and that's what students have to do as you're broke. We recently rented a box room out for less than 400 in the south of Dublin.

If you would have to sign your girlfriend in to stay over night prepare yourself for the fact that your relationship could become severely strained because of it. So strained that ye break up. She's stood by you this long and her patience is more than likely wearing very, very thin. I hope you realise this and bare it in mind with any decision you do make.

LegacyUser

Dúlagar wrote: »

I'm finding it remarkably difficult to find appropriate accommodation outside campus. A studio flat on Waterloo Road, for instance, is well over €400, old and damp, the cheapest I can get and it doesn't have wireless internet (which I genuinely need).

It doesn't sound as if you've thoroughly investigated all your options for accommodation. Choosing a studio on Waterloo Road as your yardstick highlights this.

If you want quiet and convenient to the campus then Daft shows a range of rooms in shared accommodation in residential suburbs around the college. Prices seem to be €350-500 but haggling is standard these days. You could comfortably find a house share for around the €400 mark that's within a 10 minute cycle. In the most rentals you'll find wireless internet access is in already place or you could simply invest in a cheaper wireless router.

Dúlagar wrote: »

At a purely functional level, it would work perfectly for me. I'm very quiet and extraordinarily studious so who I'm staying with wouldn't matter too much to me as long as it's quiet. That sounds cold to my girlfriend, but very practical and honest to me.

I think you have unrealistic expectations of campus accommodation. Even in the postgrad block you'll find that this kind of accommodation is not suited to the serious studious type. If you like privacy and a good night's sleep then you'll be disappointed.

And if you have to be purely functional... don't underestimate how much an unhappy relationship can affect your studies.

CDfm

OP - lets face it you are looking for excuses to live like an academic hermit or at least thats the way she will see it.

Your "job" this year is getting that qualification so whether or not you stay in her parents a couple of days a week you should suck it up and accommadate it.

Look at it as an investment in your relationship. 6 years is a long wait and I don't think she is being unreasonable.

MissHoneyBun

CDfm wrote: »

OP - lets face it you are looking for excuses to live like an academic hermit.

Yeah shame on him for not wanting to go out and get trollied every weekend like the rest of the country.

CDfm wrote: »

6 years is a long wait and I don't think she is being unreasonable.

A long wait for what? The Golden Rule that all couples must marry within 6 years? Happiness is a journey, not a destination!

LegacyUser

To be honest, it sounds like you're looking for excuses. Only looking for accommodation in D4 for Belfield is half-hearted, to say the least. Loads of students live in cheaper areas of town - Phibsboro for instance - that have direct bus links to the campus. Why aren't you looking there? You could easily cycle in from Rathmines or Dundrum to Belfield every day - why aren't you looking there?

For what it's worth, I did the 90 minute, twice a day, commute to Belfield from North County Dublin for five years (one degree, two masters) and it's not that bad once you get used to it. You could certainly put up with it for a year.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds to me like you're not looking for any real alternatives and are passive-aggressively putting the blame on your girlfriend.

b3t4

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

A long wait for what? The Golden Rule that all couples must marry within 6 years? Happiness is a journey, not a destination!

Who's talking about marriage? What if his girlfriend is around the same age as him and wants children? That's not outside the realms of possibilities is it? If that is the case, I can understand why his girlfriend is getting anxious.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

To be honest, it sounds like you're looking for excuses. Only looking for accommodation in D4 for Belfield is half-hearted, to say the least. Loads of students live in cheaper areas of town - Phibsboro for instance - that have direct bus links to the campus. Why aren't you looking there? You could easily cycle in from Rathmines or Dundrum to Belfield every day - why aren't you looking there?

For what it's worth, I did the 90 minute, twice a day, commute to Belfield from North County Dublin for five years (one degree, two masters) and it's not that bad once you get used to it. You could certainly put up with it for a year.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds to me like you're not looking for any real alternatives and are passive-aggressively putting the blame on your girlfriend.

I agree with the above. I lived in Glenomena for 4 months when I was 22 and I really really would not recommend it. You would be way better off getting a house share with some mature working people than living there. Its not healthy to be on campus 24/7. No, theres no way I'd go back there. Also there would be issues with your gf staying over. I think she's being perfectly reasonable tbh and you need to grow up a bit.

Eve_Dublin

OP not sure if you're actually reading this thread anymore (I'm presuming its because most of the posts were not what you wanted to read)...anyway, you need practical advice and not speculation over your relationship (for what it's worth, I think you both have your reasons)...had a little look at Daft last night for rooms in shared accommodation...there's loads under E400...a lot cheaper and more of them than when I was studying AND you can haggle the price down.

http://www.daft.ie/sharing/ (click search at the end).

If you truly want to compromise with your girlfriend, then you're going to have to share. I don't think many students can afford their own place in Dublin..I can't even afford my own place now and I finished my studies over 4 years ago. Like other posters... I did that commute for one year from North county Dublin (about 4 and half hours a day) because I couldn't afford to move out of my parents. The rules about signing in guests still applies...my 2 friends are suffering the consequences. Good luck.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I.

I think what really bothers her about my being on campus is that her friends all have their fellas working in the "real world" and are full contributing members to society unlike me blah blah blah. Yes, this is an underlying issue which campus accommodation is accentuating, and which has much more to do with her insecurity than mine. But such is life.
.

This is the main issue in my opinion. Education is clearly your main priority and she doesn't sound too supportive of it. She's doesn't seem too impressed by a phd. It's unlikely that many if any of "the fellas working in the real world" as she puts it would have such a qualification. Before I'm accused of making assumptions here phd's aren't very common. They aren't exactly easy to come by.

I'd also worry that when you finish in a year you might be unemployed temporarily while you look for a job "current economic climate" and all that. If she wants you to be working like her friends boyfriends she's likely to be even more freaked out by unemployment than by education.

My point: You need to find out how long more she's willing to support your educational plans for. It's a serious incompatibility. Other girls would be proud of your achievements and be telling everyone "My boyfriend is doing a phd" but she sounds embarassed by you unfortunately.

shellyboo

OP, you're not looking hard enough, not by half. There is absolutely NOWHERE out ther charging €500 for a double room in a shared house anymore, and if they are they're deluded.

I just moved out of a place where four of us shared a €2000 rent - when we decided that was too much, he dropped it to €1800. When we decided that was STILL too much, we moved out and now the rent for the entire house is €1500. That's the reality out there.

I found this, this, this, this, this... I could go on... after a one-minute search on Daft. If you *genuinely* aren't finding these places after a proper search, then maybe you're not using the website properly.

What it comes down to is, you want to take the easy option at the expense of your relationship. You gf - quite rightly I think - is putting her foot down. You CAN find somewhere suitable that's not on-campus. You just don't want to.

Eve_Dublin

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, you're not looking hard enough, not by half. There is absolutely NOWHERE out ther charging €500 for a double room in a shared house anymore, and if they are they're deluded.

I just moved out of a place where four of us shared a €2000 rent - when we decided that was too much, he dropped it to €1800. When we decided that was STILL too much, we moved out and now the rent for the entire house is €1500. That's the reality out there.

I found this, this, this, this, this... I could go on... after a one-minute search on Daft. If you *genuinely* aren't finding these places after a proper search, then maybe you're not using the website properly.

What it comes down to is, you want to take the easy option at the expense of your relationship. You gf - quite rightly I think - is putting her foot down. You CAN find somewhere suitable that's not on-campus. You just don't want to.

I think he wanted his own place, which, of course is completely unrealistic as a student.

shellyboo

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I think he wanted his own place, which, of course is completely unrealistic as a student.

If he wants his own place then why is he going to live in Glenomena? He'll be sharing with five other people, the apartments there are six sharing.

Eve_Dublin

sunnyside wrote: »

Unregistered wrote: »

This is the main issue in my opinion. Education is clearly your main priority and she doesn't sound too supportive of it. She's doesn't seem too impressed by a phd. It's unlikely that many if any of "the fellas working in the real world" as she puts it would have such a qualification. Before I'm accused of making assumptions here phd's aren't very common. They aren't exactly easy to come by.

I'd also worry that when you finish in a year you might be unemployed temporarily while you look for a job "current economic climate" and all that. If she wants you to be working like her friends boyfriends she's likely to be even more freaked out by unemployment than by education.

My point: You need to find out how long more she's willing to support your educational plans for. It's a serious incompatibility. Other girls would be proud of your achievements and be telling everyone "My boyfriend is doing a phd" but she sounds embarassed by you unfortunately.

Okay, I think it's a case of woman in her 30s wanting to settle down and have kids (biological clock anyone?? As unromantic as it is and as much as we hate to admit to ourselves, we don't have forever.)...I honestly can't see how she's being irrational here. She loves this man, she wants to marry him and have kids. I completely understand why he'd want to go back to college....by the way, there's no mention he's doing a PhD(maybe I've missed something...) I think we all presumed that because of his age. Anyway, regardless, now is a good time to go back and study but if the girlfriend wasn't initially supportive (yes, she should've been), she is now to some degree and now the issue is with the housing...he wants to move on campus!! Why? He doesn't need to! There's 2 posts above with links to very decent rooms (NOT in D4 admittedly, Ireland's most desirable postcode) in shared accommodation with professionals at varying prices. Can't see the problem myself...

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

If he wants his own place then why is he going to live in Glenomena? He'll be sharing with five other people, the apartments there are six sharing.

Yeah, as Eve rightly suggests I am looking for my own place - or at least some place with mature studious types. I lived in Glenomena a few years ago and I found it perfect as we mostly kept to ourselves and were usually there just at night; we were all in the same boat. Everybody tied up after themselves, electricity was paid by everybody in advance and it had wireless. It was purely functional.


I'm very surprised they have now put up gates with security guards there. At any rate, Glenomena is not a viable alternative as the gf hated the place. Hence my current situation of needing some place close to uni but definitely not on it.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I lived in the post graduate accommodation (Glenomena) last year. I wouldn't recommend it. They ARE planning to gate students in this year and not allow anyone in without a student card, they were planning to do it last year but there was a protest and petitions etc going around about it as we weren't going to be allowed overnight guests. I thought the gates being built with my own eyes.

I don't know where you get the impression from that the accommodation is cheaper then other places. In Glenomena it works out about 140 Euro a week, yes you wont have other bills to pay and you do get wireless but that's still VERY expensive by today's renting standard. I know other students that paid a lot less and lived withing walking distance of UCD.

You also don't get a proper tenancy agreement ( you have a liesence to reside) which means they can come into your apartment at any time, fine you for things and throw you out at the drop of a hat. You cannot have overnight guests at Glenomena now they have enforced the gate system, you cannot drink outside your apartment, cannot smoke in the apartment and will be sharing with 5 other people who are likely to be a good deal younger then you. Plus you have to pay ypur rent in 2 semester blocks rather then monthly/weekly.

Overall, I think you have a very distorted view of what student accommodation is like. I would highly recomend living somewhere else nearby.

muboop1

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, you're not looking hard enough, not by half. There is absolutely NOWHERE out ther charging €500 for a double room in a shared house anymore, and if they are they're deluded.

I just moved out of a place where four of us shared a €2000 rent - when we decided that was too much, he dropped it to €1800. When we decided that was STILL too much, we moved out and now the rent for the entire house is €1500. That's the reality out there.

I found this, this, this, this, this... I could go on... after a one-minute search on Daft. If you *genuinely* aren't finding these places after a proper search, then maybe you're not using the website properly.

What it comes down to is, you want to take the easy option at the expense of your relationship. You gf - quite rightly I think - is putting her foot down. You CAN find somewhere suitable that's not on-campus. You just don't want to.

creepy...

one of those is my ex's house...(the second one)

good work do!

Its a great place to commute from!
Landlord is a bit dull, but nice all the same!
Rooms are grand, has everything you need!
and its across road from stillorgan shopping center(across from the pet shop actually... one beside off-liscence), used to take about 10 mins in rush hour traffic to get to UCD!

Eve_Dublin

shellyboo wrote: »

If he wants his own place then why is he going to live in Glenomena? He'll be sharing with five other people, the apartments there are six sharing.

The two links he gave us to look in a previous post to look at were for studio apartments...if he's open to sharing, then he's plenty of choice.

shellyboo

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

The two links he gave us to look in a previous post to look at were for studio apartments...if he's open to sharing, then he's plenty of choice.

There is absolutely NO non-sharing accommodation in UCD, so he obviously IS open to sharing... thus proving my point about him not looking hard enough!

Honestly, to say there's "nothing out there below €400" is absolutely preposterous. UCD accommodation is in fact one of the most expensive ways to live when you're attending UCD. I went there for six years and every year it was bags more expensive than what I found elsewhere, and that was when rents were high! They haven't brought down the price of UCD on-campus accommodation, but prices elsewhere have plummeted.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

This is the main issue in my opinion. Education is clearly your main priority and she doesn't sound too supportive of it. She's doesn't seem too impressed by a phd.

This is fair comment; to say she wasn't happy when I was doing the doctorate would be an understatement as we missed out on the celtic tiger/buying a house, which is now something of a blessing. She just felt eternally on the defensive in terms of explaining the "stagnation" to her friends while I was doing it. That's the short version of the history behind the current predicament. Nevertheless, I'm just going back now for a professional qualification for a single year (9 months really). As it's for a relatively short period she accepts my doing it, but is absolutely dead against my going back to campus.

Eve_Dublin

shellyboo wrote: »

There is absolutely NO non-sharing accommodation in UCD, so he obviously IS open to sharing... thus proving my point about him not looking hard enough!

Honestly, to say there's "nothing out there below €400" is absolutely preposterous. UCD accommodation is in fact one of the most expensive ways to live when you're attending UCD. I went there for six years and every year it was bags more expensive than what I found elsewhere, and that was when rents were high! They haven't brought down the price of UCD on-campus accommodation, but prices elsewhere have plummeted.

Indeed.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

sunnyside wrote: »

Okay, I think it's a case of woman in her 30s wanting to settle down and have kids (biological clock anyone?? As unromantic as it is and as much as we hate to admit to ourselves, we don't have forever.)...I honestly can't see how she's being irrational here. She loves this man, she wants to marry him and have kids. I completely understand why he'd want to go back to college....by the way, there's no mention he's doing a PhD(maybe I've missed something...) I think we all presumed that because of his age. Anyway, regardless, now is a good time to go back and study but if the girlfriend wasn't initially supportive (yes, she should've been), she is now to some degree and now the issue is with the housing...he wants to move on campus!! Why? He doesn't need to! There's 2 posts above with links to very decent rooms (NOT in D4 admittedly, Ireland's most desirable postcode) in shared accommodation with professionals at varying prices. Can't see the problem myself...

The course is only for this year. You are correct that the biological thing is an issue and she is rational about that. However, her ineffable dislike of my moving back to campus is what is harder to understand, given that it would be practical.

At any rate, I'll just have to look some more on daft for places outside D4. Aside from the generally inferior quality of much off campus accommodation, financially most places don't accept rent allowance, while campus would.

parker kent

Dúlagar wrote: »

This is fair comment; to say she wasn't happy when I was doing the doctorate would be an understatement as we missed out on the celtic tiger/buying a house, which is now something of a blessing. She just felt eternally on the defensive in terms of explaining the "stagnation" to her friends while I was doing it. That's the short version of the history behind the current predicament. Nevertheless, I'm just going back now for a professional qualification for a single year (9 months really). As it's for a relatively short period she accepts my doing it, but is absolutely dead against my going back to campus.

I think to soothe her fears you should play up the future you will have when the 9 months are up. Talk about how your professional qualification will allow you to do all the things she dreams. This 9 months should not be billed at stagnation, but as personal improvement.

LegacyUser

Dúlagar wrote: »

This is fair comment; to say she wasn't happy when I was doing the doctorate would be an understatement as we missed out on the celtic tiger/buying a house, which is now something of a blessing. She just felt eternally on the defensive in terms of explaining the "stagnation" to her friends while I was doing it. That's the short version of the history behind the current predicament. Nevertheless, I'm just going back now for a professional qualification for a single year (9 months really). As it's for a relatively short period she accepts my doing it, but is absolutely dead against my going back to campus.

Partners have to make a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot when one does a doctorate. I know as I did one myself. try to understand it from her point of view. It does sound like she is being supportive but Glenomena is a step too far. And I cant blame her for that at all.

shellyboo

Dúlagar wrote: »

This is fair comment; to say she wasn't happy when I was doing the doctorate would be an understatement as we missed out on the celtic tiger/buying a house, which is now something of a blessing. She just felt eternally on the defensive in terms of explaining the "stagnation" to her friends while I was doing it. That's the short version of the history behind the current predicament. Nevertheless, I'm just going back now for a professional qualification for a single year (9 months really). As it's for a relatively short period she accepts my doing it, but is absolutely dead against my going back to campus.

Do you not see how much your relationship will suffer if you do? She won't be able to stay over and if she does, the two of you will be cramped into a tiny single bed...

Is it really worth possibly endangering your relationship just so you can live on campus? There IS other accommodation available.

LegacyUser

parker kent wrote: »

I think to soothe her fears you should play up the future you will have when the 9 months are up. Talk about how your professional qualification will allow you to do all the things she dreams. This 9 months should not be billed at stagnation, but as personal improvement.

Thanks, Parker. Oh yeah, I wouldn't even be doing this unless she was happy with it because I've sort of been introverted in the past few years and I promised her things would move faster once the PhD was over. I sort of owe her at this stage. 9 months is nothing and she is more excited than I am about my doing the actual course. Just hope the economy has picked up on the other side of it, and house prices are lower. At the moment we are expecting to emigrate next summer.

Thanks to everybody for your help.

Eve_Dublin

Dúlagar wrote: »

This is fair comment; to say she wasn't happy when I was doing the doctorate would be an understatement as we missed out on the celtic tiger/buying a house, which is now something of a blessing. She just felt eternally on the defensive in terms of explaining the "stagnation" to her friends while I was doing it. That's the short version of the history behind the current predicament. Nevertheless, I'm just going back now for a professional qualification for a single year (9 months really). As it's for a relatively short period she accepts my doing it, but is absolutely dead against my going back to campus.

9 months isn't a long time....I wouldn't call doing a doctorate a "stagnation" period, to be honest and you're probably doing the best thing you can do at the moment. I'd be quite proud of my "Doctor" boyfriend but there has to be a way around the campus accommodation. Although 9 months is a short period of time, it can be an eternity in the world of relationships and it could be the move that destroys your relationship. I'm sure you can have a look through the shared accommodation section on Daft for a house with mature students and professionals...there were 100s when I looked.

What are your plans once you've finished? Will you get a place together and perhaps propose (only suggesting this because you mentioned it in your first post)? Is there some way you can assure her that this is all in the very near future ONCE this 9 months is up? Perhaps she sees you going back to study as a step back in her plans? Maybe she thinks that once you do your doctorate, you'll be thinking about your career, which will means putting the plans of settling down on the back burner once again.

I think you need to sit down and think about what YOU want from life...do you want to settle down eventually with this woman?

Eve_Dublin

parker kent wrote: »

I think to soothe her fears you should play up the future you will have when the 9 months are up. Talk about how your professional qualification will allow you to do all the things she dreams. This 9 months should not be billed at stagnation, but as personal improvement.

I agree he should do this as long as he's SINCERE about it.

iguana

Dúlagar wrote: »

However, her ineffable dislike of my moving back to campus is what is harder to understand, given that it would be practical.

It doesn't sound like it is even remotely practical seeing as it's more expensive than the actual alternatives and will put a serious strain on your relationship. Your refusal to admit you may be wrong on this one however is almost impossible to understand. You seem determined to paint yourself as the poor academic who is wronged by his luddite of a girlfriend. In your OP you even berate her for not offering you any alternatives to your living situation and in the next sentence complain about the very real alternative that she did offer you.

I think it's great that you are pursuing the path in life that you wish to follow and I wish you all the best with it. But this has necessitated sacrifice from your partner and I suggest you start appreciating that and maybe see things from her point of view. Especially seeing as how you didn't even know that there are new rules in the accommodation you have your heart set on which will require more sacrifices from her than you have a right to expect.