Am I alone in thinking this way...

whiteblueman

Hi - will try and make is snappy. Basically in long term relationship which is really good. Previous to that was in another so been in relationships for 12 years now or so.

Point is i am dead bored sexually - who wouldn't be. The same thing, maybe in a different way most days....yawn..

As a result i have went down to a known area for gay cruising and been with a few guys, mainly oral etc but twice went further than that. Strange thing is that i am not 1% attracted to men, just like the change.

I am now aware of a gay sauna in dublin which I am considering going to. Meant to be no strings all the way. Does any other guy feel the same as this - it is mainly boredom that drives this - not attracted to guys, genuinely. (of course would practice safe sex)

Carsinian Thau

whiteblueman wrote: »

Hi - will try and make is snappy. Basically in long term relationship which is really good. Previous to that was in another so been in relationships for 12 years now or so.

Point is i am dead bored sexually - who wouldn't be. The same thing, maybe in a different way most days....yawn..

As a result i have went down to a known area for gay cruising and been with a few guys, mainly oral etc but twice went further than that. Strange thing is that i am not 1% attracted to men, just like the change.

I am now aware of a gay sauna in dublin which I am considering going to. Meant to be no strings all the way. Does any other guy feel the same as this - it is mainly boredom that drives this - not attracted to guys, genuinely. (of course would practice safe sex)

You must realise that you are cheating on your long term partner.

It's ok to be bored but you should really try to spice things up with your current partner.

You really run the risk of hurting her an awful lot.

If the relationship can be salvaged, then salvage it. Other than that, let her go and relieve your boredom as a free agent.

whiteblueman

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

cheating in some form is inevitable... no one friend i know is faithful so her next boyfriend will inevitably cheat too...

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

Fiend-Foe

whiteblueman wrote: »

Hi - will try and make is snappy. Basically in long term relationship which is really good. Previous to that was in another so been in relationships for 12 years now or so.

Point is i am dead bored sexually - who wouldn't be. The same thing, maybe in a different way most days....yawn..

As a result i have went down to a known area for gay cruising and been with a few guys, mainly oral etc but twice went further than that. Strange thing is that i am not 1% attracted to men, just like the change.

I am now aware of a gay sauna in dublin which I am considering going to. Meant to be no strings all the way. Does any other guy feel the same as this - it is mainly boredom that drives this - not attracted to guys, genuinely. (of course would practice safe sex)

I'm sorry but no matter what way you spin it, having sex with other men = gay.

You must be attracted to men on some level in order to get aroused and get an erection.

Most people spice up their sex lives with their partner by trying different things, dressing up, role play etc.

If you just wanted something different it is a bit strange that your first impulse was to head out gay cruising.

Kinda jumped in at the deep end.

EDIT:

whiteblueman wrote: »

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

Think you are the disallusioned one here, there are many relationships that manage to remain monogamous.

It comes quite naturally to some people.

I would never cheat on my partner, and I expect the same in return. We're both very happy with that arrangement.

whiteblueman

Still maintain that the majority of people cheat and those who dont probably didnt get a chance.

The the poster above who said that I "jumped in at the deep end", that is not 100% accurate as I have been with female escorts too, older women etc - nothing was quite left.

Re being "gay" - dispute this as you dont have to have an erection to satisfy the guy..(if you know what I mean?)... i like the attention of it - but not attracted to guys.

Oh The Humanity

Why don't you just move on from the relationship if the sex has gone stale....?

Fiend-Foe

whiteblueman wrote: »

Still maintain that the majority of people cheat and those who dont probably didnt get a chance.

The the poster above who said that I "jumped in at the deep end", that is not 100% accurate as I have been with female escorts too, older women etc - nothing was quite left.

Re being "gay" - dispute this as you dont have to have an erection to satisfy the guy..(if you know what I mean?)... i like the attention of it - but not attracted to guys.

I get plenty of chances, I just don't see the point in cheating. If I wanted to sleep around I wouldn't be in a committed relationship (or pretend to be, in your case).

Why bother? If I wanted to be single and act like that I just would be single and not have to hide everything.

Fair enough, maybe I don't understand and your not gay. But preforming sexual favors for other men is generally considered as homosexual behavior.

Most straight men don't indulge in it.

Carsinian Thau

whiteblueman wrote: »

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

cheating in some form is inevitable... no one friend i know is faithful so her next boyfriend will inevitably cheat too...

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

I know that it's a very simplistic answer but with regard to this, I'm a very simple person.

Cheating is a deal breaker for me.

I don't care about the reasons behind it but I honestly want faithfulness (from both of us). If that makes me dillusioned, then I'm going to have to find a dillusioned partner.

I do think it would be naive to expect someone to never have thoughts about cheating. That would be too much. It's ok to look at someone you find attractive and think "hmmm.....". But acting on it, that isn't ok to me.


How do you think your partner would react if she found out that you were cheating? Even if it is "inevitable"? Do you think she'll adopt an attitude of "we're all adults here"?

miec

Why have you asked a bunch of strangers whether your behaviour is normal or that others do something similar. In ways you are right in that many people are unfaithful but it doesn't make it right, it just makes it a fact. If your partner learned of your encounters with other men, escorts etc she would be deeply hurt. Why are you in a relationship? You are also deluding yourself if you say you have no gay tendencies, at least own up to the fact that you are bi-sexual. I find your lack of morals deeply disturbing because I am guessing here that you want to screw around but have the respectable relationship. Would you allow your girlfriend the same sexual freedom?

whiteblueman

I' dont screw around - but yes have cheated.

Would I share my gf - yes i would and i have asked her if she wants a 3some but she wasnt interest (and wasn't best pleased!)

To the poster who said I should maybe move on to someone else, well my point is that I will be bored there too - brilliant for a year then slowly worse..

who wants the same dinner every day or a varient of the same dinner?...

ManOfMystery

Thats a ridiculous analogy. This is a real human being with feelings that you're betraying.

It's also obvious you're in denial about your sexuality. If not gay, you're at least bisexual. Most men are simply incapable of being aroused or turned on by other men unless there is some element of homosexuality there - personally speaking, I have no attraction to men and the thought of entering into some kind of sexual act with them would turn me off completely.

You need to examine a lot of issues -

- why you feel it's ok to cheat on your partner
- why you dont try and spice things up with your partner but simply look for kicks elsewhere
- why you're afraid to face your sexuality

Saying cheating is 'inevitable' is bull$hit also. It's inevitable if you have a total lack of willpower like you. I know a lot of people who have never cheated and never would, they focus their energies into making their relationships work instead. And guess what? They're happy. You're looking for bigger and bigger kicks and they always wear off leavin you wanting more, you'll never be happy or satisfied continuing on like this. There is no ultimately sexual climax waiting for you around the corner, you'll simply keep searching for it.

Oh The Humanity

whiteblueman wrote: »

To the poster who said I should maybe move on to someone else, well my point is that I will be bored there too - brilliant for a year then slowly worse..

Yes then start again, at least you had a brilliant year. Serial monogamy. Settling down for ever with one person is one model but there are other ways of living. I mean its better to admit you are who you are and be honest about it than try to slog on when your hearts not in it plus decieving this girl is just unfair.

whiteblueman wrote: »

who wants the same dinner every day or a varient of the same dinner?...

Nobody but no-one is making you live that way (or pretend to)

You are not going to find a magic answer that allows you to keep wifey AND have the mind blowing new person sex too.

Your only way forward is to break up and then keep churning.

Taltos

Few things op

Monogamy is possible - with OH now 15 yrs - never cheated once.
Homosexual behaviour - you are either gay / bi - nothing to be ashamed off so why not admit it
Getting bored - I am sure your OH is bored too - (zipping it here to stop being banned) - but she is sticking with you.

Clearly you do not respect or really love her. You want different things - look at her reaction to the 3-some.
STD's - you have gone further - hope you and her get checked - you can have serious effects on her long term health.

My sugg is to dump her. Let her find someone who will respect and care for her enough to try to work with her on the relationship.
You are so obviously just into getting your own end-off I despair at this women ever feeling really loved.

At the very least you need to be open with her as to what you are up to - as your actions place her at risk she deserves to know and to make up her own mind.

whiteblueman

whiteblueman wrote: »

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

cheating in some form is inevitable...

wtf no it isn't
will you ever grow up and stop being in long term relationships for the laugh

you obv don't care and might pass on god only knows what to your unsuspecting gf

if you just want to screw around then go right ahead and do it as a single man
she's a girlfriend not a bloody accessory you can treat however you like

VaioCruiser

whiteblueman wrote: »

Hi - will try and make is snappy. Basically in long term relationship which is really good. Previous to that was in another so been in relationships for 12 years now or so.

Point is i am dead bored sexually - who wouldn't be. The same thing, maybe in a different way most days....yawn..

As a result i have went down to a known area for gay cruising and been with a few guys, mainly oral etc but twice went further than that. Strange thing is that i am not 1% attracted to men, just like the change.

I am now aware of a gay sauna in dublin which I am considering going to. Meant to be no strings all the way. Does any other guy feel the same as this - it is mainly boredom that drives this - not attracted to guys, genuinely. (of course would practice safe sex)

OP - you come across as very immature, self centered and obsessed with sex. You also have a bizarre and inexperienced view on how other men are in their relationships.

Your sexual exploits smack of desperation to me and I really think they could be the result of some kind of depression.

I think you should really go to get some counseling immediately before you do something really stupid.

All the best.

Dinxminx

I have serious doubts that anybody can delude themselves to the extent that you have, OP. Not everybody cheats. You are at least bisexual. Your girlfriend deserves better.

Also, there is a difference between you suggesting a threesome to her, and you finding out that she has been sleeping around and hiring male escorts behind your back. I find your lack of faith in fidelity quite disturbing.

Liam Byrne

whiteblueman wrote: »

Strange thing is that i am not 1% attracted to men, just like the change.

I am now aware of a gay sauna in dublin which I am considering going to. Meant to be no strings all the way. Does any other guy feel the same as this - it is mainly boredom that drives this - not attracted to guys, genuinely. (of course would practice safe sex)

If you have sex with men, then you're gay or bi.....simple as.

Speaking as a man, I can 100% categorically say that there is no possible level of "boredom" - or anything else, for that matter - that would make me go off with a guy!

whiteblueman wrote: »

cheating in some form is inevitable... no one friend i know is faithful so her next boyfriend will inevitably cheat too...

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

Then feel free to call me BOTH dissillusioned AND naieve. Cheating is NOT inevitable - it is a CHOICE. If "no one friend [you] know is faithful", then you're hanging around with the wrong people.

whiteblueman wrote: »

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

It's YOU who seem to have the "simplistic" answers; saying that having sex with a guy isn't gay, and saying cheating is "inevitable".

You're wrong on both counts.

Oh - staying on topic and answering the question posed.......I can't speak for every guy, but my gut reaction would be to answer "yes", and at the very least say "you're in a serious minority, thankfully".

LegacyUser

OP,

You sound like you have a lot of issues goin on behind it all, because you are justifying your behaviour- You have to be one of the most selfish posters i have ever heard on here, You just come across as incredibly arrogant , to lie and cheat to your girlfriend like you are and to condone and minimize your behaviour like its normal says there is some serious issues goin on with you,

Do her a favour and finish it with her so she can find someone decent.

Did you ever consider that your unfulfilled in yourself and you are turning to sex to fill the void, Get a grip and grow up.

I represent someone of many people who is in a 13 year faithfull relationship Im 31 years of age lived with `my BF for 12 and we have neither of us ever cheated. The world is a big place, for you to box everyone off as cheaters is not a true reality to everyone, maybe you just hang around with shallow self obsessed people, if you continue to feel sex is the answer to your boredom then you are heading down a road full of misery because you will be always be searching for more. It really makes you look so shallow and selfish IMO.

Fiend-Foe

OP - It seems like you are very uncomfortable in a normal hetro relationship.

The idea of 100% faithfulness isn't some novel fairytale idea, it happens. A lot.

And, cruising for gay men and preforming sexual favors for them aren't the stereotypical actions of most men who are fed up with their relationship.

They are the actions of a man fed up with his sexuality.

You need to address this before you really hurt your OH.

whiteblueman

I have been called arrogant, gay everything etc - so thanks for that.

Just because some people are happy with the same thing every day and dont understand someone who likes something different in their lives.

Those who cant see that are probably are ones who go to the same destination for their summer holiday, the same restaurant and stand in the same spot in their local pub. I'd like to mention that I am not aware of any of my friends who have been faithful so I dont see the problem.

Thanks for the "advice" though.

Fiend-Foe

whiteblueman wrote: »

I have been called arrogant, gay everything etc - so thanks for that.

Just because some people are happy with the same thing every day and dont understand someone who likes something different in their lives.

Those who cant see that are probably are ones who go to the same destination for their summer holiday, the same restaurant and stand in the same spot in their local pub. I'd like to mention that I am not aware of any of my friends who have been faithful so I dont see the problem.

Thanks for the "advice" though.

You really need to realign your perceptions, its not everybody else who has the problem.

Fact is, what your doing to your partner is wrong. Very wrong.

If you came on here looking for someone to tell you it's all fine, your not going to find it.

If you were single that would be a different story and you could do as you please.

VaioCruiser

whiteblueman wrote: »

I have been called arrogant, gay everything etc - so thanks for that.

Just because some people are happy with the same thing every day and dont understand someone who likes something different in their lives.

Those who cant see that are probably are ones who go to the same destination for their summer holiday, the same restaurant and stand in the same spot in their local pub. I'd like to mention that I am not aware of any of my friends who have been faithful so I dont see the problem.

Thanks for the "advice" though.

What did you expect ? You have chip on your shoulder the size of the sugarloaf and a serious 'attitude' problem to boot. People here give you the best advice they can. Try to get your head around the possibility that there might be something in what they say and something flawed with your model of the world.... Then you might be in a position to move forward instead of being so stuck in a self destructive rut.

Monkey61

Liam Byrne wrote: »

If you have sex with men, then you're gay or bi.....simple as.

Well no that is of course not true. I'm a gay girl and I could have sex with multiple men every day of the week but it wouldn't make me straight or bi. I'd still be gay. Sexuality isn't something you do, it is something you feel.

Anyway, irrespective of that OP, you need to think long and hard about what you want from your life. Fine you are bored and think you will never be satisfied. That signals to me, one of two things - either you just aren't suited to monogamous relationships or, you just haven't found the right person yet. Either way, the woman you are with isn't the one for you, because you are entirely bored of her and by the sounds of things she is not interested in an open relationship.

Also if you are having to push your boundaries further and further to get a thrill, then I would imagine that it might be a sign of an underlying problem. You are trying to fill the boredom and void in your life with sex, but as is obvious, any time that someone tries to fill a void in their lives with any kind of extreme behaviour - drinking, drugs, gambling, food, sex etc, it just does not work. By the sounds of things, your behaviour is already possibly bordering on some kind of sex addiction, especially if you have been to escorts and as a supposedly straight man have been having sex with other men. Hurting your partner is one thing, but as we know, addictions are by their nature selfish. Op you are hurting yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy, but you aren't going after it in the right way. Would you consider, for the sake of your own happiness and that of your partner, to seek counselling?

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

whiteblueman wrote: »

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

cheating in some form is inevitable... no one friend i know is faithful so her next boyfriend will inevitably cheat too...

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

You have just insulted everyone that has a relationship and has values...

So because you think this way, everyone else is dillusioned or naive? I am afraid you are a bit of both for thinking this way.

IT's not fair on your OH to cheat, be it with a same sex partner or not.

You need to look at your sexuality and stop denying it. Be it straight or gay. If you are truely straight, then why are you actively looking for gay men to perform sexual acts with?

LegacyUser

whiteblueman wrote: »

I have been called arrogant, gay everything etc - so thanks for that.

Just because some people are happy with the same thing every day and dont understand someone who likes something different in their lives.

Those who cant see that are probably are ones who go to the same destination for their summer holiday, the same restaurant and stand in the same spot in their local pub. I'd like to mention that I am not aware of any of my friends who have been faithful so I dont see the problem.

Thanks for the "advice" though.

Well OP, you must see that you are presenting yourself as a troubled person.

Nobody has the ultimate answers to long term rel sex boredom. I cheated, but thats been a world of pain for all involved, and I wished I'd never started cheating. Some people have kids and settle for a mostly sex free life after a few years. I believe that some couples manage a satisfying sex life throughout life. 'Satisfying' is not the same as 'exciting' or even 'fun' but I'd settle for satisfying...
Bare in mind that people who are faithful are not necessarily people who go on same holiday every year, though I know where you're coming from... for me the desire to cheat has never gone away, but after you spend a few years in 'concurrant relationships' it gets exhausting, lol. trust me, its fine for kicks but kicks don't last no matter how many men/women you have on the go... I bet brad rolls over in bed, sees angelina, takes a look at her scrawny arms and pukes into his pillow as she starts going on about world peace or even how shooting big guns turns her on yadda yadda. Maybe brad envies george clooney his bachelor lifestyle... oh wait... he's gay! Nevermind, back to you, OP...

But you seem to have other issues. I imagine, given that you're probably at least 30 (?)...

You need to start being more honest, I don't mean with your partner (spare her the details) but with yourself.

What kind of life do you? (settled? family? adventure?)

Why are you with your girlfriend? Is it love? Or is it fear? (Fear of being alone... of being different...)

Why do you have issues with being gay? (Sorry but ... ) If you said you were bi but choose a life with women I'd say ok... but you are even denying that your sex acts with men are gay acts... thats a bit odd.

Long term, I think you may have to leave your relationship, at least for awhile. You don't seem to know yourself yet, and maybe the only way you can know yourself is to be alone and push all those boundaries (that you avoid by being in relationships for years and years?). Maybe you'll discover that you're a 100% traditional hetero guy who prefers relationships with women... or maybe you won't. There is no right answer. But it seems like if you keep going the way you're going, your behaviour will be more and more damaging. You're going to have to be brave to do this. Good luck.

Anna Molly

whiteblueman wrote: »

thanks for that but that is a very simplistic answer.

cheating in some form is inevitable... no one friend i know is faithful so her next boyfriend will inevitably cheat too...

whats the big deal, we are all adults... only someone who is (a) dillusioned or (b) naive would expect 100% faithfulness

You prick, you think it's acceptable to cheat?!
I hope you end up alone.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

Well OP, you must see that you are presenting yourself as a troubled person.

Nobody has the ultimate answers to long term rel sex boredom. I cheated, but thats been a world of pain for all involved, and I wished I'd never started cheating. Some people have kids and settle for a mostly sex free life after a few years. I believe that some couples manage a satisfying sex life throughout life. 'Satisfying' is not the same as 'exciting' or even 'fun' but I'd settle for satisfying...
Bare in mind that people who are faithful are not necessarily people who go on same holiday every year, though I know where you're coming from... for me the desire to cheat has never gone away, but after you spend a few years in 'concurrant relationships' it gets exhausting, lol. trust me, its fine for kicks but kicks don't last no matter how many men/women you have on the go... I bet brad rolls over in bed, sees angelina, takes a look at her scrawny arms and pukes into his pillow as she starts going on about world peace or even how shooting big guns turns her on yadda yadda. Maybe brad envies george clooney his bachelor lifestyle... oh wait... he's gay! Nevermind, back to you, OP...

But you seem to have other issues. I imagine, given that you're probably at least 30 (?)...

You need to start being more honest, I don't mean with your partner (spare her the details) but with yourself.

What kind of life do you? (settled? family? adventure?)

Why are you with your girlfriend? Is it love? Or is it fear? (Fear of being alone... of being different...)

Why do you have issues with being gay? (Sorry but ... ) If you said you were bi but choose a life with women I'd say ok... but you are even denying that your sex acts with men are gay acts... thats a bit odd.

Long term, I think you may have to leave your relationship, at least for awhile. You don't seem to know yourself yet, and maybe the only way you can know yourself is to be alone and push all those boundaries (that you avoid by being in relationships for years and years?). Maybe you'll discover that you're a 100% traditional hetero guy who prefers relationships with women... or maybe you won't. There is no right answer. But it seems like if you keep going the way you're going, your behaviour will be more and more damaging. You're going to have to be brave to do this. Good luck.

Would have given this the thumbs up but came in unreg'd. So +1

dudara

Anna Molly As you are a relatively new poster here, I'll let you off with a warning. Abuse is not tolerated in PI. Please take the time to read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Rebelheart

whiteblueman wrote: »

As a result i have went down to a known area for gay cruising and been with a few guys, mainly oral etc but twice went further than that.

Dump the poor, poor benighted girl - quickly. Before you do so, show her the above so she can get tested for stds.

This is a really, really dishonourable way to treat anybody, never mind a girl who obviously loves you and is clearly vulnerable to you.

You are displaying no courage and integrity here - none. Sex is a relatively easy commodity to secure in this society. It is nothing to write home about. There are other values such as love, honour and respect which are far more difficult to attain. They take work, effort, persistence, decency and simple kindness.

whiteblueman wrote: »

cheating in some form is inevitable...

You are wrong: so dreadfully wrong. There are very many people in this world who love the idea, and the reality, of being devoted to one person, of sharing and building a life together, of trusting and confiding in each other, of being best friends with each other, of just knowing each other after years, of holding hands in the same place you visited years before, of sitting with each other and knowing everything without anything being said, and of simple loving and noble values such as caring and showing kindness through the hard times. To betray somebody who has made herself uniquely vulnerable to you is sheer cowardice and a grave wrong on another human being. It is all about having honour as a guiding principle in your life.

Kipperhell

The OP is getting a pretty tough time here.

From what has been said you must be in your 30s at least. I don't think every action somebody does is done to somebody else. You have sexual relations with others and see that as your actions and simply not consider your actions effects. The end result however is a betrayal in most people's eyes. The odd indiscretion of a drunken kiss at some point maybe relatively normal but giving head to a stranger is far from average.

I can see how you might not be gay but the first choice to be unfaithful certainly says something. If it is just about convenience most would go for a hooker. Your choice being to give somebody else head might just be curiosity but sounds like more.

You should simply try to see if you are compatible with your partner by exploring more sexual activities with her. Not sure it is advisable to tell her what you have done as this is not the same as a simple issue of being unfaithful.

You need to change your relationship and your behaviour it may certainly mean you break up due to incompatibility

LegacyUser

hi op.
i think you are very mis guided in your thoughts around this subject.
as other posters have said you are constantly seeking bigger thrills, in some way becoming a sexual pervert,(i am not saying by being gay or bi that you are a sexual pervert) you need to get your head around your feelings and why you feel you need to experiment in these ways. you state you are not gay/bi but yet you are behaving like you are gay/bi.

do you love your partner? if you truely did you would let her go, give her the chance to met someone who will respect her, because you clearly dont. it is also slightly ego-tisticle that you believe that any other partner she has wil cheat so therefore she's better off staying with you.

I know of a man who was only a yr married with a young child, who used male escorts and spent thousands on them, he was a very unhappy man. now his marraige is over and everyone knows why. you are being diavent in your actions and you are responsible for them, i would say that even if sex with your partener was fantastic you would still be tempted/or actualy do some of the things you have mentioned.

i think your insecure and afraid of loosing your partner, well.... be a proper man and do the right thing for once because you havent been doing it for a long time.

and yes some people do cheat, it doesnt make it right. some people commit murder, does that make murder alright?