female friendships are not as close as male friendships apparently

lizzyvera

I heard this on Ray Darcy and it made sense to me. According to some study (they didn't say) female-female friendships are more volatile, short lived, more likely to fall out over minor things, less likely to forgive eachother than male-male friendships.

In my group of friends I've definitely noticed that. They become "bestest" friends far more quickly. Girls I thought were genuine friends fell out suddenly and one has cut out everyone as a result. Another friendship almost evaporated when one got a boyfriend and had little time for her best friend anymore. I haven't noticed that kind of drama among the boys.

None of us have been in male-male friendships obviously, but from observing what do you think?

MagicMarker

Women bitch, men don't.

The women I know constantly bitch about their female friends. Personally, me and my best mate never argue and I can't recall us ever falling out in over ten years.

bambera

MagicMarker wrote: »

Women bitch, men don't.

Have to say, i've known men to bitch. The only difference is they do it infront of and to the mate they're actually bitching about but disguise it as jokes.

PCPhoto

I've kept in touch with male friends from school ...however any female friends that I had .... had to be removed due to insecurities by girlfriends at the time.

in essence what I'm saying is that I agree with the OP

but also want to add that Male-Female friends are made difficult by jealous or insecure girlfriends (or boyfriends) so difficult to sustain.

Wibbs

TBH in general I would agree. Women's friendships are more adaptable and fluid, both in a good and bad way. Looking at my women mates, I am the longest friend they have. By a long shot. Their women friends seem to last between 1 to 3 years in the picture. They fall into friendship more quickly, but fall out of it equally quickly. They'll also say things to each other, both bad and good more than men. Maybe that emotional braking system in men keeps the friendships going for longer? I've seen women say things to a friend that if one man said the same, there would be fists flying and they certainly would scrape them off.

I would say that women are more socially competitive and more fluid in that competition. A lot of it seems to be down to the standing they have around relationships in their peer group. A single woman is looked down on more than a single man in their respective peer groups. Then it's when the marriage is happening, then competition around having kids and the kids themselves. I've noted women I've known who got hitched and then lost most of their single mates, only for them to reappear when they get hitched. That kind of thing.

It's an age thing too. I would say women in their late teens early 20's are far more variable than women down the line.

This is a generalisation of course and I do know women who have been friends for a very long time too, but in general I would tend to agree.

Nightwish

I get on much better with guys and always have. I found girls to be bitchy and spiteful and to be horrible bullies. Guys generally dont get involved in any of that crap and if they've an issue they tell you like it is. Guys usually dont have that whole falseness about them, and it takes so much less effort to get on with them.

spurious

Closest friendships as in so close that even little things can hurt badly, yes.
Closest as in hang around together without any great depth and lasting ages, not so much.

I don't know why people waste their time with these stupid men/women surveys/reports etc. It's silliness.

skywards

I've had the same best friend for so long i can't actually remember not knowing her. But we don't live very close and neither of us are drama magnets, so I guess that may be why we haven't killed eachother .

chocgirl

Have to agree I think a lot of women are way more competitive in friendships than men and more jealous also. Women also seem to have to work harder to maintain friendships, I don't know why this is but I've always found it to be the case. The gossiping doesn't help either, lowest form of communication and all that.

allabouteve

I don't make friends easily, never have done. I have many casual friends, I keep them mostly at arms length.

My best friend is someone I share lots of interests with, and is as open as I am closed. Its only through her persistance, insistance even, that I've experienced such a close friendship. We've been friends for nearly four years, and I'd say that no-one has ever know me better.

We never really argue or fall out. We talk or are silent in each others company, and are equally comfortable with both, which is just as well since we live together!

jdivision

I think girls find it harder to make up after rows, guys just get over it

Anna Molly

MagicMarker wrote: »

Women bitch, men don't.

*Correction; Men bitch, just not as much as girls do.

I agree, I think boys don't beat around the bush. I have a male and female friend, and she is great.
The dude is much more down to earth, won't let me mope or anything.

Raze_them_all

I'd agree, If men have a problem with a friend they'll say it to their face, at most have a bit of a punch up then go for pints. Girls on the other hand will spread stuff around behind the persons back. Also girls are always in competition with the other in my experience

skywards

allabouteve wrote: »

I don't make friends easily, never have done. I have many casual friends, I keep them mostly at arms length.

My best friend is someone I share lots of interests with, and is as open as I am closed. Its only through her persistance, insistance even, that I've experienced such a close friendship. We've been friends for nearly four years, and I'd say that no-one has ever know me better.

We never really argue or fall out. We talk or are silent in each others company, and are equally comfortable with both, which is just as well since we live together!

Thats like me. I share loads of interests with my best friend, and she knows I won't tell her secrets and I know she won't tell mine. We have never, in 12 years, had an arguement :eek:.

meganj

I think men are just more forgiving of their friends, my OH can not speak to his friends for a couple of months and when they do see each other they just lapse back into whatever they were doing 2 months ago! But with female/female relationships you get a lot more stick for not staying in contact

I also think men are more understanding when their friends hook up with someone new and start for a couple of weeks devoting all their time to them, while women tend to get all bitchy about how "she" has "chosen" her new OH over them...

But men do bitch, my oh and his heterosexual life partner (best friend) are like a couple of aul ones gossiping!

MJOR

I think girls probably have better memories too and are more likely to hold grudges, having said that I have all my friends since primary school time but have accumalated more throughout thje years!

beks101

Competition among female friends can often tear the friendship apart, whereas I've seen this less among male friends - they just tend to slag each other good naturedly.

I got in great shape a few years back and lost a ton of weight - and a few female friends to boot. I've seen the same recently with a college friend who did really, really well for herself careerwise - some of the girl friends couldn't handle her success and started gossiping, begrudging and she ultimately broke all contact.

Bottom line for me though, is the actual depth of friendship, and I don't think there's a gender divide with this. I've a handful of friends who I've been close to for so long that they are basically family to me. We b1tch a bit, have our tiffs and drive each other up the wall, but ultimately always forgive and forget because that's what friends do

neuro-praxis

I absolutely do not relate to this study at all.

Yes, I have had short-lived friendships, but they were always circumstantial relationships, like with flatmates or with work colleagues, and naturally fizzled out when one or both of us moved on.

However I have a good number of extremely close friends that I have had for many years. I would never dream of bitching about them to others because I just love them so much and have nothing to bitch about. Any small issues of hurt over the years we have discussed and dealt with (nobody's perfect).

The last time I lost a friend over a fight was when I was 16, and it was her who did not wish to reconcile. My other female friendships do not reflect this at all.

In fact, it is my male friends that I find a bit more drifty.

But then, everyone has different experiences.

Fromvert

Me and my mates were only talking about this a while ago. Now I'm not saying this is the same for all women but a lot of us had the same experience.

If our girlfriend was over in the house and our mates where to come over unannounced just to see what the crack was, have a beer, whatever. Most of our girlfriends would say something along the same lines as ''why are they knocking over, I would never just drop up to my friends house unannounced''.

We came to the conclusion (with all our knowledge of women ) that they where not as close to their friends as we are to each other. Most of us have been friends since we where 7/8 (22/23 now) with more friends joining the group as we got older and this would be a regular occurrence.

Would any of the ladies of TLL think the same if you where over in your OH's house and his friends dropped up unannounced and would you ever drop up to your friends house unannounced?

Tar.Aldarion

I agree, women's friendships seem so full of drama, just listening to women talk about their women friends, I don't even know why tehy are friends, the friendships seem to fall apart a lot of the time. Men like to tell the other guy to cop the **** on etc, then we have a whiskey/pint and it's forgotten about. Men always abuse each other and laugh it off, don't like the drama/rumour things with girls, or even worse, having to hear about it.



Of course a lot of people are not like this, but in the vast minority.

MJOR wrote:

I think girls probably have better memories too and are more likely to hold grudges, having said that I have all my friends since primary school time but have accumalated more throughout thje years!

Better memories? No. I remember every slight against me a friend has made ever, but could not care less, that's the differecne. :-)
It either matters enough to not be their friend at the time or it doesn't matter at all now.

Macha

Has anyone actually seen the study? Analysed the methodology?

Personally I'm quite tired of these sort of crappy studies that "prove" what was no doubt a foregone assumption of some 'fundamental' gender difference by the researchers. It's this sort of nonsense that keeps The Daily Mail busy.

homerun_homer

Funny this topic came up because I mentioned this observation the other day to my friends as we all sat around watching a film. 3 of us had girlfriends that were best friends all the way from school until the last year. They barely see each other or have fallen out now and it's the same with a few other friend's girlfriends - drama and politics when organising a night out. They want to avoid certain people cause they hadn't got a text back or whatever BS. They really hold a grudge.

My ex fell out with one of the other 2 girls over a bunch of little things, and now she doesn't even bother much with the other girl. They were best friend's growing up so it amazes me how fickle people can be. I pointed out this boy/girl difference as all my friends, old and new sat around with little to no BS between us all. It's nice to be like that, so glad I'm not a girl.

g'em

homerun_homer wrote: »

It's nice to be like that, so glad I'm not a girl.

And yet here you are, posting in a forum for women, about women.

Way to go with all the generalisations folks. Some female friendships are close. Some male friendships are close. Some male-female friendships are close. Some of all the above combinations are not close.

This is one of those conversations that goes round and round and round and ends in a gender war.

homerun_homer

g'em wrote: »

And yet here you are, posting in a forum for women, about women.

Take a light hearted joke. And pardon me for thinking that guys were allowed to give their own observations in this forum also.

I'm not generalising, just comparing how similar the girls around my group of friends are to this silly radio show "investigation".

Handsome Bob

I don't know, I mean in one sense female-female friendships are stronger than male-male ones. Personally speaking, males don't really like to confide in each other because of a fear of being perceived as weak. So if a male is going through some personal issues, they will keep it bottled up. I don't think females are afraid to confide in each other if they are going through a tough time. To me friendship should be about being there for each other through the good and the bad so in this sense I think female-female friednships are stronger.

On the other hand from my own personal experience males are a lot less likely to fall out than females. I have had male friends who have come to physical blows but who are still best friends. Whereas just a few weeks ago I know two females (who were best friends since childhood) who fell out because one was missing the other's 21st birthday party, even though the girl had the holiday booked for a year while the other only decided to have a party a few months back.

g'em

homerun_homer wrote: »

Take a light hearted joke. And pardon me for thinking that guys were allowed to give their own observations in this forum also.

Fair enough, but when this same, tired joke is made over and over and over and over again from guys in the forum you can see how it becomes pretty devoid of humour.

I still don't think that the closeness of a friendship can be determined or is even largely affected by the genders involved - it comes down to the individuals in it.

banshee_bones

homerun_homer wrote: »

It's nice to be like that, so glad I'm not a girl.

I really dont think it was meant like that! I think the poster meant in in the most lighthearted way!

and contributing to the thread as a female i dont know if this counts but my female to male friendships are stronger than my female female friendships..?

g'em

Then I apologise - I read it differently, my bad.

ftr I'm a beatch to both guys and girls alike :pac: Not really, but RL is a mofo right now, no excuse, but I'm sorry fwiw

winking weber

Well fwiw I agree totally with you G'em. My female friendships are deep and long lasting. Male friends have been more transient but theres more of them in my life at the moment. Some of the biggest bitches I know are guys... lots of examples of that.

Its all down to the individuals involved and I too am tired of the gender based generalisations and I can never relate to them at all.

stovelid

Always wary of gender generalizations about friendship.

Like all categorizations, the male (uncomplicated, unemotional) and female (sensitive, bitchy) sketches certainly have some validity, but I really think it just depends on the personalities involved.

Amy33

My two best friends are both exes. I am in touch with them most days and find them to be more loyal than any female friend I've ever had. I grew up in an all male house though, so maybe that's why I can relate more to men.

Wibbs

Well I would count a few women as good friends. Bloody good friends. I would say in general and obviously in my experience they're more fluid and variable with each other, though there are certainly exceptions to this. I have noted over the years that they are different around me and their other male mates than around their female. Subtly different dynamic. Not better or worse per se either, just different.

Novella

lizzyvera wrote: »

I heard this on Ray Darcy and it made sense to me. According to some study (they didn't say) female-female friendships are more volatile, short lived, more likely to fall out over minor things, less likely to forgive eachother than male-male friendships.

In my group of friends I've definitely noticed that. They become "bestest" friends far more quickly. Girls I thought were genuine friends fell out suddenly and one has cut out everyone as a result. Another friendship almost evaporated when one got a boyfriend and had little time for her best friend anymore. I haven't noticed that kind of drama among the boys.

None of us have been in male-male friendships obviously, but from observing what do you think?

I dunno. My closest friend is definitely a girl. I couldn't really imagine being closer to any other person. She can read my mind and I never feel like I can't say certain things to her. I don't have to filter my thoughts for her! Plus, she's been my friend longer than anyone else and it would take something extremely major for me to not forgive her or cut her out of my life or whatever.

I have guy friends too but I absolutely value my girl friendship more. I can take a serious situation to her and she won't make jokes about it, which I find guys are inclined to do, maybe out of awkwardness and not knowing what to say!

I'm sure guys have great friendships 'cause they tend to take things less seriously than girls and things, but I'd never in a million years swap my bestie for anything or anyone else!

SeekUp

Eh, other than my OH, I don't really have any close male friends, so I can't really speak in comparison. But I do have a couple of really strong female friendships. I think that's in part due to the fact that I don't do drama.

Fromvert wrote: »

Would any of the ladies of TLL think the same if you where over in your OH's house and his friends dropped up unannounced and would you ever drop up to your friends house unannounced?

I have one person - my oldest friend - who I could drop into her house unannounced, and she could do the same for me. I'd love for my and my OH's home to be a place where our closest friends would feel welcome and could just stop in whenever they felt like it.

That being said, I'd feel much more wary about doing it to others . . . my OH and his family have the idea that they don't call before dropping because they don't want anyone to go to any trouble for them. Fair enough, although I'd usually call beforehand so I wouldn't catch anyone by surprise (cooking in their skivvies, perhaps?)!

Sorry, I think that's a bit OT, but there you have it.

_Arctic_

It all depends on the people involved I think. Girls can be very competive over friends, but so can guys. However, I have noticed that the girls I know tend to fall out more over silly things than men do, like not being invited to a night out, etc. I've been in punch-ups with nearly all of my close friends, and we're able to forget about it quite easily. As I said though, its more about the people involved than male or female IMO.

Saucey-Susie

I agree with it to a point. Me personally, i have accquaintances and i have friends. my 3 closest friends i have known for 10 years and 6 years, so it can be done. And out of those 3 friends, I have never had an arguement with any of them. Yeah they do things that annoy me, but nothing serious enough that would warrent me to say anything to create a situation out of it and argue.

My boyfriend has about 12 friends, and out of them he has about 2-3 close friends. the 12 he has known for around 8-10 years, some he would see every week, someone he would see every few months. And him and his friends sit there and proper bitch about whoever is missing too!! so they can be just as bad as us

Wagon

I'd believe that. I consider my best mates like brothers.

Mr. Incognito

In a close group of lads if one lad was seeing a bird she's off limits- forever.

The same does not seem to hold through with birds- a girl will ditch a mate for a guy. Close guys never would.

Oh it happens- I know but if you were to compare how often on either side there's a vast difference.

Bro's before hoes holds true a lot more than sisters before drifters.

robbie_998

i hate that... one min their "oh your sooo my maid of honor" then 5 mins later their arguing over what type of flowers will be at the wedding and they never speak again !!!

GROW UP YOU BUNCH OF KIDS !!! (not you boards..your perfect )

I used to say I got on better with lads than girls, but my longest lasting and closest friendships are with girls. The lads I hung out with the most in uni for example I've mostly moved on from. My two best friends are from school , over 14 years now I think, and we're still best friends. No room for bitching at all.

Tar.Aldarion

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

In a close group of lads if one lad was seeing a bird she's off limits- forever.

The same does not seem to hold through with birds- a girl will ditch a mate for a guy. Close guys never would.

Oh it happens- I know but if you were to compare how often on either side there's a vast difference.

Bro's before hoes holds true a lot more than sisters before drifters.

That's because of our bromance, girls wouldn't understand.

grenache

Two of my three close friends are girls. They are also friends with each other. But the amount of bitching they do about the other to me is unreal! I get on just fine with both of them, and can talk to either of them about anything (i'm a guy). From ecstacy to erections, we can talk openly about anything I don't give out about either of them though behind their backs and that is why i know i'll have them as lifelong friends.

lizzyvera

grenache- do you ever think that someone who gossips and bitches to you will probably gossip and bitch about you? I've found that with people.

I don't think the subject can be quantitatively analysed, so I doubt it's an accurate study. Either way I think it's interesting.

grenache

lizzyvera wrote: »

grenache- do you ever think that someone who gossips and bitches to you will probably gossip and bitch about you? I've found that with people.

Oh i'm pretty sure they do, well one them does anyway, she's always giving out about something. The other girl i doubt it, she really doesn't bitch that much. But i dont mind people talking about me behind my back. We all have our inate annoying traits. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a good aul' bitching session But some people do over-do it.

pookie82

Are female/female friendships more volatile than male/male friendships? Yes, probably.

Are female/female friendships closer than male/male freidnships? Almost definitely. I've never known a guy to be as close to his mates as I am to mine - there's a bunch of 9 of us who have been firm mates for the last 12 years or so. Yes we fight and bitch and fall out and make up again but we're always there for one another, bottom line, and I'm closer to some of them than I have ever seen a guy be with another guy.

Raze_them_all

pookie82 wrote: »

Are female/female friendships more volatile than male/male friendships? Yes, probably.

Are female/female friendships closer than male/male freidnships? Almost definitely. I've never known a guy to be as close to his mates as I am to mine - there's a bunch of 9 of us who have been firm mates for the last 12 years or so. Yes we fight and bitch and fall out and make up again but we're always there for one another, bottom line, and I'm closer to some of them than I have ever seen a guy be with another guy.

The difference is men don't show how close we are in the same way women do, Men can not see each other for a few months and still be just as close, Off the top of my head I can think of 4 mates that no matter what my problem was a simple phonecall would have them trying to sort it out.

jinxycat

It's a tough one alright. I've a few friends i'd consider really close. One group i'm friends since I was in primary school. We they've fallen out with me more times than i can count over silly things. That all changed though with getting older, can't remember the last time we fell out.

Then i've another friend who i'm friends with since we were 11ish, I'd do anything for her when she asks but if I can't do it for her well you guess it friendship is over until she realises she was in the wrong and apologises. We've had so many fallout I wouldn't know where to begin to count them.

Then there's my friend i've know since I was 3, 22 years later and we're still the best of friends, only fell out once and that was when i was 6, I didn't want her to go home We were back talking 2 ours later.

I think female friendships are close but as you can see from above have their moments where they do fall out but nearly always get back talking together. I know it sucks because some of the fallouts should never have happened.:p

tatabubbly

I've been best friends with someone for 10years now and even though we don't agree on everything we realise that it's part of our friendship..

I also have 2 guy close close friends who do come before my OH..They've been with me through some rough times and if my OH didn't like them then he'd get the boot..

Girls tend to compete a lot, whereas men are more lax and air their grievences, unlike bitchy girls