GF so un-grateful

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 8:37am #1

Hi all, regular poster here, but going unreg for this.

Basically, I feel completely useless this morning, after giving my other half her birthday present.

I had gotten her an iPod the other day as part of her b-day present, because her own MP3 player went FUBAR, and we were out, so I said, well I'll get you the iPod (she said she wanted one but couldn't afford it) but it will be part of your b-day present - she was delighted.

I had also bought her a nice new watch, and a couple of new CD's and cover thing for her iPod.

This morning, she wakes up, I do the usual happy birthday stuff, and told her to go to the kitchen, where she would find a nice card, and a present.

She came running back into the bedroom, opened the card (which was a really nice card too), read it, and proceeded to open her present.

She got the wrapping off, then to the jewelry box, and opened it.

She basically looked at me and said 'A watch?" 'I didn't want a watch, I thought you got me something else, is there another present anywhere?' I said "but you've been saying for weeks that you hoped someone had gotten you a nice watch, as you hate going around without one" to which she replied "yeah, but I bought myself one" - which is true, but she bought it about a week ago, for I think €5.

She basically then just moaned at me for the entire morning about the watch, and that I should take it back and get her something else.

Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback at her ungratefulness, so I got annoyed, and didn't bother giving her the other small presents that I had for her.

Did I do the wrong thing? Or is she merely acting like a spoiled, ungrateful brat?

I'm seriously hurt and upset over this, and don't even want to talk to her at the minute.

I'll bring the watch back, probably only get a credit note, and have to try pick something else for her like nice earrings or something.

To be honest, I feel like bringing it back, and getting something for myself!

And I wouldn't mind (as much) but I do basically ALL the housework too (washing, cooking, cleaning etc etc) - for which I get little or no thanks.

I'm so pissed off, I just had to have a rant!

Wibbs · 11-08-2009 8:50am

I would be falling on the side of the fence of spoiled brat TBH. It sounds like there are other aspects of the relationship where she exhibits princess syndrome too.

If this is a consistent thing and not a one off or a bad patch it's clearly not healthy for you. IMHO if this is her personality type there's one thing I will say, she'll never be satisfied and no matter what you do it will never be enough. Are you a more passive type? In the sense that you are enabling some of this?

You have to step back and look, really look at the relationship to see if this is a one off and if this is something you can live with or not.

Time was a watch was considered a prelude to an engagement.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 8:55am

Thats really rude and ungrateful!

Im sorry but you did loads of nice little things, even planting it in the kitchen for her to find etc. Its all nice and thoughtful. Id be so p*ssed off too!

My recent ex never got me anything! I would have been so so grateful to even get a card that I would have smothered him with kisses. One xmas I got him an ipod and he got me ...nothing!I cried alot that day and the worst thing was that when he opened it he was like "but I have an mp3!!?" and acted like he didnt want it until i was like ok fine Il keep it then he was like 'oh no sorry I want it'. It obviously stores way more than his mp3 did and he is really into his music and he did ended up loving it and apologised after but I was so hurt. Even still when I think of it I get angry.

Maybe she is too used to getting gifts and being looked after. You should ease off a bit and tell her you thought she acted ungrateful.

Trixielicious · 11-08-2009 8:56am

Oh my god, how ungrateful is she!!!! You obviously put a lot of thought into her present, you listened to her moaning about having no watch and then you get her one which was probably pretty expensive and she throws a tantrum like a spoilt child. Tell her to get over herself!!! My ex was a disaster at buying presents, he always bought me what he liked and never what I asked for but I never once acted like that. If the jewellery he bought wasn't to my taste then I only wore it on a night out with him. I didn't rant at him over it, I appreciated the fact that he spent so much money on me. Tell her to bring the watch back herself and from now on only get her vouchers and if she has a problem with that then tell her that it is her selfish ungrateful, spoilt attitude that caused this in the first place.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 9:00am

Wibbs wrote: »

I would be falling on the side of the fence of spoiled brat TBH. It sounds like there are other aspects of the relationship where she exhibits princess syndrome too.

If this is a consistent thing and not a one off or a bad patch it's clearly not healthy for you. IMHO if this is her personality type there's one thing I will say, she'll never be satisfied and no matter what you do it will never be enough. Are you a more passive type? In the sense that you are enabling some of this?

I'm certainly not the passive type, and have brought things like the housework etc to her attention before - but to no avail. She'll make a half arsed attempt once, then not bother again.

You have to step back and look, really look at the relationship to see if this is a one off and if this is something you can live with or not.

Time was a watch was considered a prelude to an engagement.

Well I just don't know - I know something like this will occur again - its just in her nature. Generally she's lovely - hence we've been together a few years and live together. Its just that things like this really grind my gears because I know how much work I put in, in other area's of the relationship.

Funny you say about engagement - she's been nagging about that the last while too - to which I've responded by stating a lot of things would have to change before that would happen!

puglover · 11-08-2009 9:07am

Any chance she was expecting a diamond ring?

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 9:11am

puglover wrote: »

Any chance she was expecting a diamond ring?

She can expect a swift boot to the bum now.

Thanks for the responses guys, I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not.

Wibbs · 11-08-2009 9:12am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I'm certainly not the passive type, and have brought things like the housework etc to her attention before - but to no avail. She'll make a half arsed attempt once, then not bother again.

I don't just mean passive in the general sense, I mean do you back down to her? It can be very subtle. Like the housework. You make your feelings clear, she makes the half arsed attempt and then you end up doing it like before. Translation for her? "He's not serious and he'll continue to do as before".

Well I just don't know - I know something like this will occur again - its just in her nature. Generally she's lovely - hence we've been together a few years and live together. Its just that things like this really grind my gears because I know how much work I put in, in other area's of the relationship.

You could maybe reduce it, but you'll have to "train" her somewhat. She'll have to see when you're serous, you're actually serious. It won't blow over until she makes an effort.

Funny you say about engagement - she's been nagging about that the last while too - to which I've responded by stating a lot of things would have to change before that would happen!

I would agree, so don't find yourself in a ring shop until those changes actually happen. That IMHO will be as much down to you as her.

puglover · 11-08-2009 9:30am

Wibbs wrote: »

You could maybe reduce it, but you'll have to "train" her somewhat. She'll have to see when you're serous, you're actually serious. It won't blow over until she makes an effort.

I'm sorry did you say "train" her? She is not a dog.

OK so she was ungrateful, if the expectation was an engagement, she saw a jewellery box and got her hopes up, she was probably unable to contain her dissapointment.

You've been with this girl a few years, I am sure she has lots of very endearing qualities and reasons why you love her(do you?) so what if she has a tendancy to act the bit of a diva some times. Lots of girls do, but loving someone means accepting their faults as well, not trying to train them out of it. No doubt you are not perfect yourself OP.

Relationships are about compromise and acceptance. I hate house work, my bd knows this so he cuts me some slack and does the things i really don't like (like the washing/drying/ironing) and I make an extra effort in other areas like cooking, cleaning etc. Having said that, how much effort I put into the housework would never be a factor in or relationship to the point that it would become a bargaining tool for wether he would commit to me or not. I'd hate to be in a relationship like that and it's not healthy.

If you feel lots of things will have to change before you are willing to commit then put the girl out of her misery. I am sure she will find someone who appreciates her.

puglover · 11-08-2009 9:31am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

She can expect a swift boot to the bum now.

Thanks for the responses guys, I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not.

You sound like a male chauvinist pig. She'd be better off without you!

Gyalist · 11-08-2009 9:32am

Your girlfriend has given you, to use a phrase currently fashionable in the US, an opportunity for a teachable moment.

If I were in your position I would end it today. It would be a birthday that she would never forget!

Wibbs is, as in most of his replies, correct.

I have to go to a brief meeting but will elaborate on my answer later..

Monkey61 · 11-08-2009 9:34am

Behaviour like that rarely comes out of nowhere though and if you have been with your girlfriend for a few years you obviously know that she is like that and know not to expect more.

Yes her reaction was awful, but if you are going out with her and know she is like that and never tell her that she has to change, well then it is to be expected. She presumably doesn't even realise that she is completely out of order.

It is obviously not an excuse at all, but if she has been mentioning engagements, she must have gotten it into her head that you were going to get her a ring and presumably she thought that when she saw the jewelery box before she opened the watch and thus she was horribly disappointed. Also if she had already bought herself a watch and you knew that, then she might have thought that you weren't paying attention to her at all as you essentially gave her something that she didn't need and had already bought, thus in her mind rendering the present a bit pointless.

davyjose · 11-08-2009 9:34am

puglover wrote: »

You sound like a male chauvinist pig. She'd be better off without you!

you're not living in the real world Puglover, and obviously have no idea what it's like to live with someone who's lazy and selfish. It's funny how you say your OH cuts you some slack with the housework. what slack do you cut him?

Trixielicious · 11-08-2009 9:40am

puglover wrote: »

I'm sorry did you say "train" her? She is not a dog.

If you feel lots of things will have to change before you are willing to commit then put the girl out of her misery. I am sure she will find someone who appreciates her.

I completely agree, she's not a dog that you can expect train. But in all honesty we can never change anybody, if this is her personality then you have to decide if this one bad part of her is overshadowing all the good parts, all the reasons why you fell in love with her in the first place.

How many people think that they will be able to change their partner over time but then end up putting themselves through years of "if only he/she would change" only to break up because their partner didn't change.

Tell her how hurt you were by her reaction, try talkin to her and if that doesn't work then try to figure out if you can learn to ignore this behaviour. If you feel you can't then I would seriously consider whether or not she is the one for you!

shellyboo · 11-08-2009 9:41am

puglover wrote: »

Relationships are about compromise and acceptance. I hate house work, my bd knows this so he cuts me some slack and does the things i really don't like (like the washing/drying/ironing) and I make an extra effort in other areas like cooking, cleaning etc. Having said that, how much effort I put into the housework would never be a factor in or relationship to the point that it would become a bargaining tool for wether he would commit to me or not. I'd hate to be in a relationship like that and it's not healthy.

If you feel lots of things will have to change before you are willing to commit then put the girl out of her misery. I am sure she will find someone who appreciates her.

I'm all for compromise and acceptance, but I don't think anyone should have to compromise on their partner (a) being a nice person or (b) having manners.

What the OP's gf did is disgusting, behaviour fitting of a three-year old throwing a tantrum because they didn't get their way. I wouldn't be sticking around too long for someone who'd throw a gift back in my face like that. The girl got an iPod and a watch... those are great presents, regardless of what she was "expecting".

She's not a dog, but she definitely needs some training - basic manners and respect would be a start.

Wibbs · 11-08-2009 9:50am

puglover wrote: »

I'm sorry did you say "train" her? She is not a dog.

Hence I put "train" in inverted commas. No people are not dogs, if someone acts a certain way that grates or is unhealthy for you, them and the relationship, then having consequences for those actions, may help them see the problem and fix it if it's in their power to do so.

In the case of housework, she's "training" him. She, by her actions makes sure he does the housework. It's not some big conspiracy or anything on her part, but he enables her behaviour. Now in your case there exists a balance and a give and take so that you both do stuff the other doesn't like. That's healthy. If one partner doesn't do that it's not. The OP has to figure out if he's got the relationship more like yours and this can be worked on, or not.

11-08-2009 9:55am

I suspect this has little to do with manners and even less to do with a watch. Consider the possibility your girlfriend was expecting a very specific gift and was deeply disappointed when it didn't appear, causing this (presumably unusual) reaction.

I know of two relationships which didn't survive similar situations, the people in the couples were simply on "different pages" when it came to their relationship.

I could be wrong though and she's just a cow, but I doubt you'd be with her if it was as simple as that.

Wibbs · 11-08-2009 9:56am

puglover wrote: »

OK so she was ungrateful, if the expectation was an engagement, she saw a jewellery box and got her hopes up, she was probably unable to contain her dissapointment.

For me that would not be an excuse. Most adults are capable of containing their disappointment, especially in front of their loved ones. Hell most kids are, when granny gives them a sweater, rather than what they hoped for. So an inability to control something that basic would be a red flag for me. Once yes, twice, maybe, consistently no. Princess syndrome in a big way(men do this BS too BTW).

Wibbs · 11-08-2009 10:00am

Deleted User wrote: »

I suspect this has little to do with manners and even less to do with a watch. Consider the possibility your girlfriend was expecting a very specific gift and was deeply disappointed when it didn't appear, causing this (presumably unusual) reaction.

I agree 100%. Very little to do with a watch, though I would still through manners into the mix. I always place more trust in people where manners overrides emotion.

Yep she got the other pressies and when she saw the jewelry box, probably thought something else was afoot.

RossFixxxed · 11-08-2009 10:02am

Bring the watch back and get yourself something nice.

Sure the engagement thing is there, but you aren't psychic!

Johnnnybravo · 11-08-2009 10:02am

Really sorry to hear this OP. what a spoilt cow!!

I cannot believe somebody would be so ungrateful. You even went to the bother of wrapping it and got that response. Im shocked somebody could be so ignorant actually.

You did right not giving her the other smaller gifts, if I was you Id throw the receipt at her, tell her to return it herself and if you stay with the ungrateful cow put money yes money the most thoughtless gift ever from a bf in her next card.

Jesus whats she expecting for christmas?? Hopefully you`l get a new gf, ungrateful ignorant brat is what you have there.

shellyboo · 11-08-2009 10:06am

Wibbs wrote: »

Yep she got the other pressies and when she saw the jewelry box, probably thought something else was afoot.

Ah here... unless she's mentally deficient, I have no idea how anyone could confuse a watch box (big) with a ring box (small). Most watches these days come in their own fancy boxes anyway, branded and all, look nothing like a ring box.

I wouldn't be making too many excuses for her, tbh. If she was expecting a ring, she set herself up for disappointment; and just reacted in the most horrible way possible. She's not a kid, she should be able to deal with that and be nice about it.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 10:09am

puglover wrote: »

I'm sorry did you say "train" her? She is not a dog.

OK so she was ungrateful, if the expectation was an engagement, she saw a jewellery box and got her hopes up, she was probably unable to contain her dissapointment.

Well considering she would have no reason to assume she was getting an engagement ring for a start, and secondly, I'd hardly use an engagement ring for a birthday present. I'd rather retain that for, eh, an engagement.

You've been with this girl a few years, I am sure she has lots of very endearing qualities and reasons why you love her(do you?) so what if she has a tendancy to act the bit of a diva some times. Lots of girls do, but loving someone means accepting their faults as well, not trying to train them out of it. No doubt you are not perfect yourself OP.

I've never stated once that I was perfect, and I do love her. Your post is off topic.

Relationships are about compromise and acceptance. I hate house work, my bd knows this so he cuts me some slack and does the things i really don't like (like the washing/drying/ironing) and I make an extra effort in other areas like cooking, cleaning etc. Having said that, how much effort I put into the housework would never be a factor in or relationship to the point that it would become a bargaining tool for wether he would commit to me or not. I'd hate to be in a relationship like that and it's not healthy.

If you feel lots of things will have to change before you are willing to commit then put the girl out of her misery. I am sure she will find someone who appreciates her.

You sound like a male chauvinist pig. She'd be better off without you!

Or maybe, instead of thinking I'm some sort of chauvanist pig (where you got that I don't know!) you might consider that I'm the one that needs appreciating?

And the quote you took from me there was obviously meant in jest i.e 'She needs a swift kick in the bum [due to the way she's acting]'. I had hoped that most posters here would not need that explained to them.

I've seen your overly feminist responses on a number of threads, and without getting personal with you here - you're not exactly helpful.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 10:18am

Deleted User wrote: »

I suspect this has little to do with manners and even less to do with a watch. Consider the possibility your girlfriend was expecting a very specific gift and was deeply disappointed when it didn't appear, causing this (presumably unusual) reaction.

I could be wrong though and she's just a cow, but I doubt you'd be with her if it was as simple as that.

1. I find her expectation of something else completely unreasonable - especially considering the only thing I've heard her hint at was - A WATCH!! lol

2. No, she's not a cow, its just this type of immature behaviour really gets to me. I'm not minted, so I do what I can to get her nice things when possible. The fact I didn't spend a grand on her birthday should hardly be reason to accept rejection, and ungratefulness.

Wibbs and Shellyboo have hit the nail on the head (as usual), and yes, while some 'training' might seem in order - believe me, I've tried, with subtlety, and without!! I usually just end up doing things to ensure they're done, and done correctly.

I do try to show her how to do things properly (like cooking / clothes washing where there is really only a right & wrong way - and I'm talking basics here) - but usually get rebutted because she thinks I'm criticising her, when in fact, I'm trying to teach her how to do things that she's no good at! And please, no-one take that out of context assuming I'm some sort of control freak - but when someone manages to burn pasta, there are issues in the cookery department!

Gyalist · 11-08-2009 10:19am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

Hi all, regular poster here, but going unreg for this.

Basically, I feel completely useless this morning, after giving my other half her birthday present.

I had gotten her an iPod the other day as part of her b-day present, because her own MP3 player went FUBAR, and we were out, so I said, well I'll get you the iPod (she said she wanted one but couldn't afford it) but it will be part of your b-day present - she was delighted.

I had also bought her a nice new watch, and a couple of new CD's and cover thing for her iPod.

This morning, she wakes up, I do the usual happy birthday stuff, and told her to go to the kitchen, where she would find a nice card, and a present.

She came running back into the bedroom, opened the card (which was a really nice card too), read it, and proceeded to open her present.

She got the wrapping off, then to the jewelry box, and opened it.

She basically looked at me and said 'A watch?" 'I didn't want a watch, I thought you got me something else, is there another present anywhere?' I said "but you've been saying for weeks that you hoped someone had gotten you a nice watch, as you hate going around without one" to which she replied "yeah, but I bought myself one" - which is true, but she bought it about a week ago, for I think €5.

She basically then just moaned at me for the entire morning about the watch, and that I should take it back and get her something else.

Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback at her ungratefulness, so I got annoyed, and didn't bother giving her the other small presents that I had for her.

Did I do the wrong thing? Or is she merely acting like a spoiled, ungrateful brat?

The mistake that you made is in buying her so many presents for her birthday. Get all the remaining presents and return them to the sellers. I'm sure that her behaviour isn't existing in a vacuum as it can't be the first time that she has exhibited these traits.

You may as well have asked "why do scorpions sting?". It's in their nature.

In relationships there is a Lover<-> Provider continuum. What happens when a man constantly buys presents is that he ends up rewarding bad behaviour and is placed firmly on the Provider end of the continuum. I'm not surprised that she is pushing for engagement. She's got a great deal with a man who buys lots of presents andn does the lion's share of the housework.

I'm seriously hurt and upset over this, and don't even want to talk to her at the minute.

I'll bring the watch back, probably only get a credit note, and have to try pick something else for her like nice earrings or something.

To be honest, I feel like bringing it back, and getting something for myself!

And I wouldn't mind (as much) but I do basically ALL the housework too (washing, cooking, cleaning etc etc) - for which I get little or no thanks.

I'm so pissed off, I just had to have a rant!

Ignore her for the rest of the day - no calls, no texts. Let her feel your displeasure. Make no mistake, this is about her trying to own your balls.

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I'm certainly not the passive type, and have brought things like the housework etc to her attention before - but to no avail. She'll make a half arsed attempt once, then not bother again.

Well I just don't know - I know something like this will occur again - its just in her nature. Generally she's lovely - hence we've been together a few years and live together. Its just that things like this really grind my gears because I know how much work I put in, in other area's of the relationship.

Funny you say about engagement - she's been nagging about that the last while too - to which I've responded by stating a lot of things would have to change before that would happen!

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

She can expect a swift boot to the bum now.

Thanks for the responses guys, I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not.

You're not over-reacting at all. This is unacceptable behaviour.

11-08-2009 10:26am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

Funny you say about engagement - she's been nagging about that the last while too - to which I've responded by stating a lot of things would have to change before that would happen!

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I find her expectation of something else completely unreasonable - especially considering the only thing I've heard her hint at was - A WATCH!!

I'm not saying it's reasonable, just a possible explanation for her over-reaction.

Johnnnybravo · 11-08-2009 10:49am

Any one here slating the op really needs to cop on to theirselves!

He bought the girl not one gift but also lots of little gifts and a card, thats a lot and even wrapped them all.

She then acted like a brat because she wasnt happy with the gift and had the gaul to ask was there more.

No doubts about it op she is in thw rong, not you!! Does she put this much effort and thought into your bday??

Engaged! I wouldnt go outside the front door with her!

puglover · 11-08-2009 11:03am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I've seen your overly feminist responses on a number of threads, and without getting personal with you here - you're not exactly helpful.

Overly feminist, you are joking

And I've seen plenty of posters like you OP, who come on with one side of a sob story about how tough they have it. All you're looking for is someone to stroke your ego and tell you you're right. All you are interested in is hearing what you want to hear.

There is always three sides to a story and I'm sure you're gf would have a very different version of events. If you want useful advice I would suggest you be open to a bit of criticism.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 11:12am

puglover wrote: »

Overly feminist, you are joking

And I've seen plenty of posters like you OP, who come on with one side of a sob story about how tough they have it. All you're looking for is someone to stroke your ego and tell you you're right. All you are interested in is hearing what you want to hear.

There is always three sides to a story and I'm sure you're gf would have a very different version of events. If you want useful advice I would suggest you be open to a bit of criticism.

Being open to criticism I can do - being called a chauvinist I will not stand for.

I'm not looking for my ego to be stroked - I'm not that needy. As I stated in my first post, I wanted to have a rant because I was pissed off, and see others views.

And no, my GF couldn't possibly have a different version of events, because I posted exactly what happened. I'm a regular poster here, in this forum, and others on boards, and this is the first time (that I can remember) feeling the need to post in PI to have a rant.

Xiney · 11-08-2009 11:18am

alright puglover, please take a step back and keep your criticisms more constructive.

Ta

Xiney

Hrududu · 11-08-2009 11:22am

There is always three sides to a story and I'm sure you're gf would have a very different version of events.

I'd really love to know how the girlfriend could possibly spin this story so that she comes off as the one in the right. A child of 7 would have more cop on than to behave like that.

Keano · 11-08-2009 11:22am

puglover wrote: »

Overly feminist, you are joking

And I've seen plenty of posters like you OP, who come on with one side of a sob story about how tough they have it. All you're looking for is someone to stroke your ego and tell you you're right. All you are interested in is hearing what you want to hear.

There is always three sides to a story and I'm sure you're gf would have a very different version of events. If you want useful advice I would suggest you be open to a bit of criticism.

Tbh her side: he got me the ring - I am so

finds watch :mad:

StormWarrior · 11-08-2009 11:25am

Sounds like your girlfriend doesn't care much for you, she only wants what she can get from you. Sorry but you also sound like a doormat. You shouldn't let people treat you this way (with regards to you doing all the housework as well) or you are partly to blame for the way you get treated.

Trixielicious · 11-08-2009 11:31am

She shouldn't have just assumed she was getting a ring!!! Personally, if I ever get engaged I would rather my bf proposed on a different day to my birthday. Just because she's ready to get engaged doesn't mean that he is and she shouldn't force that down his throat.

So she bought a cheap watch for a fiver and he got her an expensive watch for her birthday, I think that's a win win situation, a cheapy for everyday use and keep the expensive one for special occasions, that way it doesn't get wrecked wearing it all the time!

If she doesn't like her present she could have been a bit more adult about her reaction such as, "ah thanks hun but it's not really my type of thing, would you mind if I changed it for something more my style?" rather than throwing a wobbly and demanding the rest of her presents. Dunno if any of you read Harry Potter but she reminds me of his cousin who got one less present for his birthday than the year before and threw an massive tantrum!!!

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 11:42am

StormWarrior wrote: »

Sounds like your girlfriend doesn't care much for you, she only wants what she can get from you. Sorry but you also sound like a doormat. You shouldn't let people treat you this way (with regards to you doing all the housework as well) or you are partly to blame for the way you get treated.

TBH she does care for me, but maybe takes me for granted a bit.

I know some of this is partially my fault - I shouldn't do everything I do. But to be perfectly honest, if I didn't, it wouldn't get done at all!

I feel a bit ****ty today, and I can't even bare to answer her calls. I've to go to the jeweller now at lunch to embarrassingly return the watch, and attempt to find something more 'suitable'.

Trust me, I'm no doormat, the only area of my life where this sort of thing happens is at home.

iguana · 11-08-2009 11:44am

It seems pretty obvious that she thought there was going to be an engagement ring in the box and was massively disappointed when she saw the watch. It doesn't really matter that a watch box is quite a bit bigger than a ring box, she's probably been fantasising for weeks about being proposed to on her birthday. So once the box seemed in any way a match for what was in her head she "knew" it was an engagement ring. In fact she has very possibly had her friends and colleagues all speculating that an engagement was on the cards today.

It doesn't excuse her having a sh!tfit in the face of what sounds like a thoughtful present, but it's probably why it happens. Tbh, I'm of the opinion that the "tradition" of the man proposing and the woman keeping her mouth shut while hoping and waiting infantalises the woman to certain degree. And that having mature discussions about the future of the relationship and deciding when to get married as a unit is preferable.

I'd suggest that at some point soon, maybe not today as you are justifiably angry, you discuss your feelings about the future of the relationship. It seems to me that you are open to marrying her at some point, but are unhappy about the present state of things and want them to change before you commit to anything more. So maybe have a long talk with her about this, instead of having her hinting and nagging about an engagement and you dangling it as a potential reward for good behaviour. Talk about it as adults and equals, it's not "romantic" but if you can talk and listen to each other it's a good step toward a satisfying relationship. If ye can't manage that I'd be wondering if there is a future together.

As for the rest of her birthday, I don't know. I'm tempted to suggest that you wait for her to contact you and apologise for her tantrum. Hopefully right now she is regretting her reaction and her friends are telling her that as disappointed as she was she shouldn't have taken that out on you. If she apologises I'd try to forgive her, though if my husband reacted that way to a gift I'd put a lot of effort into I'd be really hurt. But if you can let the anger go, do, but resolve to talk about things seriously over the next few weeks.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 11:56am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

. I've to go to the jeweller now at lunch to embarrassingly return the watch, and attempt to find something more 'suitable'.

Why dont you wait until you've both calmed down & talked about this & then go to the jewellers together to pick out something. You wont be in the frame of mind for it today & probably no matter what you choose wont be good enough for her anyway.

Gyalist · 11-08-2009 11:59am

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

TBH she does care for me, but maybe takes me for granted a bit.

I know some of this is partially my fault - I shouldn't do everything I do. But to be perfectly honest, if I didn't, it wouldn't get done at all!

I feel a bit ****ty today, and I can't even bare to answer her calls. I've to go to the jeweller now at lunch to embarrassingly return the watch, and attempt to find something more 'suitable'.

Oh no you don't. So you'll return the watch, then go home to clean and cook for her so that she wouldn't throw another tantrum on her birthday?

Trust me, I'm no doormat, the only area of my life where this sort of thing happens is at home.

But that is the point. You are being a doormat at home.

Re-read your original post. The first thing that jumped out at me was that you used the word "nice" at least 4 times. Nothing wrong with being a "nice" guy if you have a strong backbone though.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 12:04pm

Bloody hell. I just realised I did use the word 'nice' a bit too often. I wouldn't mind - but I hate that word!! Must have been my anger making me type it!

I generally am quite strong in most things, its just at home, sometimes I just get fed up and do the things myself so they'll get done.

With any bit of luck she'll head to her mothers for dinner this evening - I might have to 'work late'.

I think I'm coming to the end of my tether though, need this at least to be closer to 50/50.

I am contemplating just not bothering replacing the watch with anything, and giving the credit note to a random stranger.

iguana · 11-08-2009 12:15pm

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I am contemplating just not bothering replacing the watch with anything, and giving the credit note to a random stranger.

Definitely don't replace it now, just leave it until you talk. I'd also go along with your plan of working late and letting her spend time with her mother, unless she calls and apologises.

Oryx · 11-08-2009 12:33pm

Keano A Legend wrote: »

Tbh her side: he got me the ring - I am so finds watch :mad:

Which should have gone thus: He got me the ring - I am so

. Finds watch :mad: Sucks up dissapointment, goes

:) Has a nice birthday.

OP, unless Im in the vicinity, dont give away your credit note. Buy something for yourself or save it for when you need another gift for someone else. Youre just angry now.

seahorse · 11-08-2009 12:39pm

I find that usually when a person behaves this unreasonably the actual root of the issue isn’t the matter at hand but is something deeper that has just become symbolised by the watch/whatever. Could that be true OP? Could she be unhappy in some other area of your relationship and be channeling and expressing her gripe through the 'unsuitable' gift?

You might think you can answer that and maybe you can, but maybe there's something going on in her head that you don’t know about. I think the best person to ask would be her. I think you should maybe ask her if this carry on is part of something bigger than the watch.

By the way, just for nosiness sake, did her face drop the minute she saw the box or the minute she opened it? I'm wondering because she can’t have been expecting a ring in a watch case!

Dublin141 · 11-08-2009 12:42pm

She must have been extremely disappointed to have such an odd reaction. Even the most selfish people don't usually react like that, do they? I'm not saying either of you is entirely wrong - just that your views on how a person behaves is entirely different.

It sounds like for you, this was the last straw. You resent cooking/cleaning and whatnot and now she acts badly when you put effort into getting her a present you thought she needed. You don't feel appreciated and you get the idea that you're being taken for granted.

She on the other hand, was possibly expecting an engagement ring (on a special day) and then you got her something that technically she had already bought. It doesn't matter about the quality, she was already upset and overreacted. I'll admit that I'd be a little disappointed if my partner bought me something that I had bought myself (although I would never let him know that!)

You don't even sound like a couple. You're on completely different pages. I don't think she is taking you seriously when you say that things will have to change for an engagement ring to be on the table. You both need to have a serious talk about where you are going or you're in for a lifetime of similar situations (if this is not a once-off occurance). She wants to be treated a certain way. You want to be treated a certain way. Both of your ideas don't mesh together or work out at all. Are you sure you really want to be a relationship with her - you don't seem to be seeing things similarly at all.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 1:29pm

Thanks for the comments.

I can't believe this - she's just rang me, to moan about the watch again - not even the glimmer of an apology for the way she acted - and she's still acting like that.

She's saying I mustn't have even put any thought into it (which I did), and that she can't understand why I bought her a watch??!! (she HAD been hinting about a watch for ages - obviously she didn't want a watch from ME).

Now she's trying to say I'm spoiling her day!

I don't even want to see her now.

Terodil · 11-08-2009 1:34pm

Poor you.

In your place I'd cut contact for a while and let her come to her senses, this is beyond unreasonable.

StormWarrior · 11-08-2009 1:41pm

seahorse wrote: »

I find that usually when a person behaves this unreasonably the actual root of the issue isn’t the matter at hand but is something deeper that has just become symbolised by the watch/whatever. Could that be true OP? Could she be unhappy in some other area of your relationship and be channeling and expressing her gripe through the 'unsuitable' gift?

Think you might be on to something, especially since she phoned the OP to complain about the watch again. Maybe there's something else she really wants to complain about and is hoping the OP will get it before she has to bring it up.

Or maybe she told all her family and friends to expect an engagement and is now mortified that there isn't one. But she wouldn't really expect an engagement unless she had reason to.... is there any way you might have led her on without realising it?

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 1:47pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

Or maybe she told all her family and friends to expect an engagement and is now mortified that there isn't one. But she wouldn't really expect an engagement unless she had reason to.... is there any way you might have led her on without realising it?

This - I would not at all be surprised at. She does tend to get idea's in her head, and assumes that because she has this great idea, that everyone else must too. She may well have said something along those lines to family and/or friends.

11-08-2009 1:47pm

Unrgrateful GF wrote: »

I can't believe this - she's just rang me, to moan about the watch again - not even the glimmer of an apology for the way she acted - and she's still acting like that.

She's saying I mustn't have even put any thought into it (which I did), and that she can't understand why I bought her a watch??!! (she HAD been hinting about a watch for ages - obviously she didn't want a watch from ME).

Now she's trying to say I'm spoiling her day!

I don't even want to see her now.

Sigh. This is getting more and more absurd. I could understand a knee-jerk reaction but for crying out loud!

As a matter of interest, how did you respond?

Jaysoose · 11-08-2009 1:56pm

Hi OP,

As men there is one simple and obvious reaction to your GF's behaviour.......

1. Go to jewellers and get your refund.
2. Turn phone off
3. Go to the pub and get twisted
4. Turn on phone at closing time
5. Get chips, bring them to bed and do a massive fart then snore all night.

When is an ipod on its own not a good enough prezzy? I feel for you man.

Dublin141 · 11-08-2009 1:56pm

Ringing to complain is a bit mean. If I was you I would text her and say how you had put a lot of time and effort into choosing her presents. Remind her she got an ipod and tell her you bought her some other little things too. That she had said she needed a watch and you thought that's what she wanted. Tell her that her behaviour towards you today was rude and hurtful and that she's ruined your day. Then I would ignore her calls. Probably a bit childish but she has taken it further.

It's one thing to not put on a game face when you're disappointed but it is quite another to then ring the person and complain again. I can only imagine that she feels embarrassed but it's getting a bit absurd now. I would seriously re-think this relationship. I'd feel terrible if I bought someone a present and they rang me to complain some more about it! I'm useless at getting gifts for people but luckily everyone I know is good at pretending they like them.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 1:59pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Sigh. This is getting more and more absurd. I could understand a knee-jerk reaction but for crying out loud!

As a matter of interest, how did you respond?

I told her that I was in no humour to talk to her, and that I can;t believe she still hasn;t apologised for her behaviour this morning.

To which she responded that it was my fault for getting her a present she didn't want. I then told her she's want to stop acting like such a spoiled materialistic child, and she;d better get used to the idea that there won;t be a ring on her finger for quite some time, if at all, unless her attitude changes.

Maybe OTT - but I can guarantee it won;t have made a blind bit of difference.

She's just e-mailed to say I'm just like her dad?? (who by the way, left her and her twin with her mother when they were 10, never bought them a birthday present since (12 years) and never tried to support her mother with maintenance etc) - an unfair comparison I would think.

I don't know, the whole thing is after blowing all out of proportion now.

GF so un-grateful

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