When is it ok to 'let go'?!!

This

Was in the bfs house which he shares with his bro... and after a long alcohol filled night i was lying round in the jammies no make up hair all over the place etc just eatin and slobbing out basically.

his bros gf arrived with supplies and then proceeded to tell me infront of my bf and his bro that i should always make an effort and always try to look good for my bf.... now she is a lovely girl, i get on great on with her, and she is always well presented, now i dont mind its her choice of course.

I have always been pretty comfortable with myslef and my body and not wearing make up etc and have often not look the best infront of the him...

BUT then it got me thinking maybe i should make more of an effort and try and look better for him.... now bearing in mind, i always wear my hair down (for the first few hours at least) when i see him, and have bought clothes he has said he liked.... but maybe i am too relaxed?

or maybe its just her words getting to me??!!!

believe it or not ive been thinking about this most of the day... so trival... i blame my period as well :rolleyes:

MagicMarker

Who's gives a crap?

Never try and look good for anyone but yourself.

The other girl has issues.

bronte

Wow, tell her you'll wear what you feel like when you're relaxing.

What a moron...like it's any of her business.
If she said that to me in private, I'd be pissed off, but in front of others?
Who is she? the queen of flippin sheba?!

Kindly make it your business to point out whenever she has something coming out of her nose/her skirt tucked into her pants.
You're just being 'helpful' right?

LimeFruitGum

I can see her point, yes it is nice to make an effort when you meet up with the BF.

But fecks sake, if you can't slob out and relax on a Sunday morning, then when can you?

Did the guys not say anything to her when she came out with this?

Lollipops23

how rude!i'd tell her where to go!

my BF says he prefers me au natural!(he says!!) seriously, i doubt your BF would expect you to have a full face of make up and hair all done after a night on the tiles. would he make an effort? i find her comments highly sexist.

all_smilz

tis like my granny always said

make the effort to look nice when THEY make the effort to stop farting in bed when they THINK ur asleep!

This

they just kinda looked at eachother and her bf left the room and my bf said 'see ya should make more of an effort' followed by a cheeky smile but he was only joking.. and said he liked me in his jocks (yes, guilty!!!)

i dunno.... maybe its just hormones!!

lexsis35

all_smilz wrote: »

tis like my granny always said

make the effort to look nice when THEY make the effort to stop farting in bed when they THINK ur asleep!

all_smilz that is very funny,but as for me I think the four words coming out of my mouth, had I been the person she was addressing, would have been - bite me you c**t.

ignore the daft mare, she obviously has way too much time on her hands and no brain power to occupy herself with something constructive, more so she sounds a little jealous of your ability to relax around your bf and be yourself(which of course is why he likes you so much).
I hope you don't allow this silly girl get to you.

Nervous Wreck

When I get comfy with a girl, I always love the idea of sitting around together in sweatpants, hair in a mess, eating pizza and being slobs.... I want the girl to be able to be as relaxed with me as she would be alone and vice versa. For the first while, making an effort is important for both parties. But after a while, you need a deeper level of comfort. Your bf's bro's gf (jaysus) sounds like the product of too much negative social indoctrination, in terms of the "woman's role" in society. It's all so passé. :rolleyes:

SLOB ON, YO!

what2do

Note it was the female that said you should make an effort - I feel the need to make more of an effort when meeting the girls (ie femaly friends) cos they notice!

tribulus

In fairness to women they get the short end of the stick when it comes to this. What's considered making an effort by most people seems to be quite a lot of effort compared to a lot of guys where making an effort boils down to not smelling, wearing underpants and not looking homeless.

In anycase you shouldn't have to maintain some illusion of perfection the whole time, it's not like you were on a night out.

LimeFruitGum

Insecure much, this wan?

As long as you and your BF are happy as ye are, then she can stuff it. It really isn't any of her business.

Otis Driftwood

Since when is mooching about after a night on the sauce considered letting yourself go?Yer one needs to take a chill pill.

The Big Red Button

She's probably just jealous of the fact that you feel comfortable enough with your boyfriend to do that, you've got to that stage in your relationship, whereas she's obviously not there yet. And by the sounds of it, she's too insecure to ever get there.

Anyone else reminded of this ad?

Abi

This wrote: »

his bros gf arrived with supplies and then proceeded to tell me infront of my bf and his bro that i should always make an effort and always try to look good for my bf

I would have proceeded to tell her, that I'm sure her boyfriend appreciates it, because you can tell a struggle has taken place. Then I would have asked her what time does she have to set her alarm to get tarted up before her boyfriend wakes up and sees the real her?

She made a point of showing you up, I wouldn't be inclined to spare her blushes.

I have always been pretty comfortable with myslef and my body and not wearing make up etc and have often not look the best infront of the him...

He obviously feels comfortable with you, make up or not. You only feel this way because of a snotty little remark.

BUT then it got me thinking maybe i should make more of an effort and try and look better for him.... now bearing in mind, i always wear my hair down (for the first few hours at least) when i see him, and have bought clothes he has said he liked.... but maybe i am too relaxed?

We are entitled to relax, dress down and chill out when we feel like it.

or maybe its just her words getting to me??!!!

Of course it is. And she didn't even make this silly remark to you in private, she pretty much insulted you to make her feel better about herself. Maybe she isn't getting that much attention from her bf after all? :rolleyes:

believe it or not ive been thinking about this most of the day... so trival... i blame my period as well :rolleyes:

Worst time for it. You'll be in fighting form again once the period is out of the way. As I said above, I wouldn't save her blushes the next time you see her.

BlackandGold

I know of girls [well one] who would get out of bed before their bf in morning to put on a full face of make up in case he saw her without it on. After 2 years together!

First time I stayed at my boyfriend's house, which was about our 4th date or so, I cleaned off my make up and hopped into bed with my pyjamas! Okay so I've since learned he doesn't like pyjamas, he prefers no éadai but I like the comfort of pjs! Anyway off topic!

What I'm trying to say is it's great that you're comfortable with your boyfriend to not feel like you've to be completely made up all the time or else he won't fancy you or some muck like that! I definitely wouldn't view it to be "letting yourself go"! If I'm having a lazy day around my house I'll slouch around in pjs and not brush my hair if I know I'm not going anywhere!!!

Really, don't let this bother you at all. Don't give it a second though. The conclusions I've drawn from past experiences is that people insult you when they're insecure about something themselves. That's what bullying is about [I know she's not bullying but it's the same reason - bullies are self conscious about something themselves and pick on others].

I wouldn't be happy with her having a dig in front of others so like Abigayle said, I wouldn't spare her blushes the next time. Yeah two wrongs don't make a right, but damn it, revenge is sweet & nice guys finish last!

1071823928

what a sap!!! couldnt b arsed getting all dolled up for a day infront of the tv!!!
he obviously loves u the way u are and shes just insecure...

lizzyvera

I'd never make an effort with my appearance for my boyfriend. I'm not still trying to impress him with shiny eyelids, tidy hair and pinker-than-natural lips. If that made the slightest difference in a relationship, that would mean there's not much basis for a relationship!

Acacia

This wrote: »

now she is a lovely girl,

Doesn't sound like it , tbh. If you can't relax for awhile after a night on the sauce, with your bf on a Sunday morning, just when can you ? Did she expect you to be done up in make-up and heels 24/7 or something?

Ignore her, OP. I think it's great to be comfortable with your BF. I've done the same thing many a time and my OH hasn't complained yet.

lexsis35

I think my partner would keel over with shock if I was "looking perfect" all the time - what am I saying - make up, no make up, my pjs, his pjs - he thinks i'm perfect anyway and I pretty much dont give a toss if someone else thinks that I'm not up to their standards - as long as your clean, healthy and happy then your bf will be happy to look/be with you.. that woman whose opinion(completely unwarranted and unnecessary) isn't very healthy(mentally) or happy. as a previous post put it - slob on!

Dragan

This wrote: »

Was in the bfs house which he shares with his bro... and after a long alcohol filled night i was lying round in the jammies no make up hair all over the place etc just eatin and slobbing out basically.

his bros gf arrived with supplies and then proceeded to tell me infront of my bf and his bro that i should always make an effort and always try to look good for my bf.... now she is a lovely girl, i get on great on with her, and she is always well presented, now i dont mind its her choice of course.

I have always been pretty comfortable with myslef and my body and not wearing make up etc and have often not look the best infront of the him...

BUT then it got me thinking maybe i should make more of an effort and try and look better for him.... now bearing in mind, i always wear my hair down (for the first few hours at least) when i see him, and have bought clothes he has said he liked.... but maybe i am too relaxed?

or maybe its just her words getting to me??!!!

believe it or not ive been thinking about this most of the day... so trival... i blame my period as well :rolleyes:

Most blokes that i know have one or two types of girlfriend. Those that allow themselves to be seen "unmade up" if you would, and those that won't.

Any bloke i have asked always says he's chuffed that she feels comfrotable and relaxed enough around him to not worry about pointless ****.

Dudess

"Let's wear make-up so the boys will like us" entered my head as soon as I read the bit about that girl - hilarious. And does she think a guy should always be well presented for his girlfriend...? Bintery tbh.

There is no set time when it's "ok" - that's up to the individual - but at the same time, I don't believe in letting oneself go too much... for the person themselves moreso than anything else.

Rhyme

You should have scratched yourself inappropriately and burped at her.

Do yourself up when you feel like it (or it's appropriate ). As Dragan said, and from personal experience, being with a girl who feels comfortable enough to ease off in front of you is quite nice.

BlackandGold

Then again, "letting oneself go" varies from person to person. For someone who is always immaculately done up, manicured nails etc etc letting themselves go might mean not getting their eyebrows waxed for an extra week!! Whereas someone more laid back [like myself] letting myself go means not brushing my hair and bundling it back into a ponytail!!!

Edgedinblue

nevermind her! i say shes jealous your so comfy with yourself and how ya look that ya can actually relax without having to worry about makeup! and you defo cant beat an aul pair of pjs! actually most guys i know love the fact that some girls can sit there in the pjs, hair a mess, no makeup, etc! :-D

lexsis35

BlackandGold wrote: »

Then again, "letting oneself go" varies from person to person. For someone who is always immaculately done up, manicured nails etc etc letting themselves go might mean not getting their eyebrows waxed for an extra week!! Whereas someone more laid back [like myself] letting myself go means not brushing my hair and bundling it back into a ponytail!!!

very true - self standards play an important role in what defines letting oneself go - for me letting go is when I can't even be arsed to tie up my bum length mane and loll around in his pyjamas!! as for brushing the damn thing on the slob days - what's a brush??

Eviledna

Sweet baby jebus, that wan is surely batting one home for feminism!!

It reminds me of that song on the feckin special K advert

"Keep young and beautiful, it's your duty to be beautiful, if you want to be loved"
Very 1930's of her.

I'm a firm believer that many women that pile on the make up are using it as a mask to hide behind. There's nothing wrong with a wee bit o'slap, but if you need it, something is wrong. Sounds like she does.

This

thanks everyone feel better now...a great nights sleep doz wonders!!!!!

her bf text me last night and said she was outta line and to ignore her etc which was nice of him. i suppose i prob just took it to heart coz when im down in the house she is usually there and i get on with her like.

IvyTheTerrible

Glad you feel better now.

God almighty we work all week and then can't relax on a Sunday??? Kiss my pyjama-clad ass!!

Abi

BlackandGold wrote: »

I know of girls [well one] who would get out of bed before their bf in morning to put on a full face of make up in case he saw her without it on. After 2 years together!

And what happens when they get bored of their little charade? They've set a standard that the boyfriend will come to expect all of the time. The girl the OP is talking about was not only being sly and bitchy, but shes immature and very silly to boot.

I definitely wouldn't view it to be "letting yourself go"! If I'm having a lazy day around my house I'll slouch around in pjs and not brush my hair if I know I'm not going anywhere!!!

Its the norm for sane women

I wouldn't be happy with her having a dig in front of others so like Abigayle said, I wouldn't spare her blushes the next time. Yeah two wrongs don't make a right, but damn it, revenge is sweet & nice guys finish last!

I don't really see what I said as 'a wrong' to be honest. She knew what she was doing when she made that comment, and this would not give me much motivation to have a heart-to-heart with the girl. My view on it would be that life is all about lessons, you get back what you give out. She doesn't strike me as a nice person, and Im pretty sure the 'talk' would go along the lines of

This: Hey, what you said in there in front of everyone was quite hurtful, and embaressing.

Her: Oh yeah??! Oh my god. I sooo didn't mean it like that. Im so sorry.

This: Hey, its ok. Don't worry about it.

(((Hugs)))

<She walks away thinking 'sucker'>


I might come across as a little harsh sometimes, but I've known many two-faced cows like her, and I wouldnt give her the time of day.

Wibbs

I'd say ignore it completely, even if she says similar again. Don't engage at all with her. Smile and say something along the lines like "oh really? seems like a good idea alright" and continue on with a normal conversation. Be completely non confrontational or bitchy. Make out like it hasn't even registered. As if she mentioned the weather outside. Utterly mundane.

If she is trying to score points(and she is) this will drive her nuts. Chances are she'll escalate it trying to get a reaction from you to make herself feel better(which she is, otherwise she wouldn't have said it publicly). You not reacting at all will make her head pop off her shoulders. Doubly so if she's neurotic about her own self image.

People in the majority of cases assume others will react they way they do, so they target point scoring in a way that would hurt them if the positions were reversed. Point scoring or insults tell you most of what you need to know about the givers attitudes behind the mask. Plus the more she tries to push it the more of a neurotic loopjob she'll look. Result.

If you engage with her which is the instinctive thing to do I grant you, you play into a lot of what she wants. If you ignore it and quietly and obviously steam away in the corner, ditto. If you acknowledge her comment and smile it away and ignore it as an opinion of no importance it will freak her out.

Then again I can be evil about this stuff

Terodil

Hmm, if I may make a comment here: There's letting go and letting go. As a man I'd rather be seen dead than in worn-out underpants/t-shirts or in a track suit (even if it's terribly comfy) unless I was going out for some exercise.

Being able to be comfy with each other and just relax is important, yes. It's just as important, I think, to not let yourself go too much or too regularly when your partner is around. It's still a romantic thing that you have going on, you know, and imvho you should try to look reasonably attractive. By that I don't mean tons of make-up for girls, but the same for both sexes: Maintain proper hygiene and put on clothes that strike some balance between attractiveness and comfort.

The Big Red Button

Terodil wrote: »

Hmm, if I may make a comment here: There's letting go and letting go. As a man I'd rather be seen dead than in worn-out underpants/t-shirts or in a track suit (even if it's terribly comfy) unless I was going out for some exercise.

Being able to be comfy with each other and just relax is important, yes. It's just as important, I think, to not let yourself go too much or too regularly when your partner is around. It's still a romantic thing that you have going on, you know, and imvho you should try to look reasonably attractive. By that I don't mean tons of make-up for girls, but the same for both sexes: Maintain proper hygiene and put on clothes that strike some balance between attractiveness and comfort.

OK, we're talking about hanging round the house on a hungover Sunday morning, I'm sure her fella wasn't exactly looking a million dollars either! If they were meeting up somewhere to go out or something, then yeah I agree, you should generally try to make some effort. But if you can't relax in comfort at home without worrying about what you look like, then there's something seriously wrong in the relationship.

And who said anything about hygiene?

LadyJ

She needs a shlap of a shovel!

Terodil

chatterpillar wrote: »

OK, we're talking about hanging round the house on a hungover Sunday morning, I'm sure her fella wasn't exactly looking a million dollars either! If they were meeting up somewhere to go out or something, then yeah I agree, you should generally try to make some effort. But if you can't relax in comfort at home without worrying about what you look like, then there's something seriously wrong in the relationship.

And who said anything about hygiene?

Who needed to? I was just saying that if 'letting yourself go' included letting go of hygiene as well it would be definitely taking it too far. And don't get me wrong please: I did explicitly state that I would make no diff between men and women, so your point that 'he wasn't exactly looking a million dollars' is pretty moot.

The point I was trying to make is that moderation, like in all things, is key. Both where degree is concerned (see above, a neglect of hygiene is inexcusable by saying 'yeah but we're comfortable together so why do you fuss about it') and where repetition is concerned (yeah ofc go nuts on the odd sunday but don't let it become a daily occurrence).

Abi

Terodil wrote: »

Who needed to?

Apparently you.

The same for both sexes: (1) Maintain proper hygiene (2) and put on clothes that strike some balance between attractiveness and comfort.

1) That is a given.
2) When I'm leaving the house fine. But indoors we should be able to wear whatever we like.

You are quite specific about this, is it because you were with someone in the past that wouldn't wash frequently? Only, dressing down / relaxing at home does not = dropped hygiene standards.

YT

What a b*tch.

I love wearing make-up and doing my hair! But I do it for me! Not for my boyfriend, ok maybe to look a little bit nice for him but mainly for me. I love the whole routing of sitting down with a coffee and putting on music and taking my time to do my make-up , that's one of my things.

But I love slobbing out as much as the next girl! My boyfriend always says he prefers that shiny just scrubbed look! he loves being allowed to touch my hair! And he says he thinks I look the sexiest when I am in my slobby clothes because I look comfortable and relaxed.

I'd say her fella was mortified was he?

You be glad that you can be yourself around your boyfriend and not have to plaster layers of makeup on everytime you go to see him.

I dread to think of what the poor fella's pillowcases look like :eek:

pikachucheeks

To be honest, I've only ever "let go" in front of close friends and family.
I know it's silly and I'll probably be slated for this, but I'd really have to trust someone before I could feel comfortable sitting in front of them, in sweats, undone hair and no make-up.

A guy I know called round to my house a few weeks ago after the pub, I was in bed when he text to ask if he could come over, so I got up and put on mascara before I answered the door!

Still, I felt proud of myself for being completely natural otherwise. Before then, he'd never seen me without a full face of make-up and straightened hair.

If I was in a relationship, then I'd be able to let go ... but not too much, it's just not my style. I could be around them, wearing no make-up but I'd have to look half decent in the sweatpants! :P

I guess I am high-maintenance!

For me, there's no timing on these things. I'll let go when I want to, or when I feel comfortable.

If you're happy being casual in front of your boyfriend, then that's all that matters!

Terodil

But indoors we should be able to wear whatever we like.

We're coming from opposite ends here: You're saying that he shouldn't put pressure on her, fair enough, I agree, in a loving relationship he usually wouldn't anyway, I'm saying it should be in both partners' interest to maintain an acceptable level themselves, each for their own.

I would find it a bit dodgy indeed to run around in those super comfy half-bleached, half-torn track suit pants with a half-decomposed t-shirt on a daily basis. I may get slagged for this but I do believe letting yourself go beyond a certain point makes you unattractive and shows that you just don't care. When I see those guys with sweat-stained t-shirts riding their mopeds in boxers, sandals and formerly-white tennis socks I honestly cannot imagine their wives to swoon over them. And the same applies for women too. I know several couples that, a few years into their marriage, were 'so comfortable with each other' (woohoo) that they both put on stones upon stones, slippered about - day in day out - in tracksuits or seldomly washed housecoats and were then surprised their love life died.

Yeah you can dress as sloppily as you can/want but don't be surprised if it causes an effect. I'd personally not run that risk and rather make sure it's an exception and not too stark, in general. I want to be attractive for my partner.

There's such a thing as being too comfy about each other, and that's taking the other for granted and letting oneself go for good.

donojono

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd say ignore it completely

+ 1. But OP based on the way she said it(Out of the Blue) and the Joke your BF made after about it, could mean:

A. He put her up to saying it.
B. He is jealous that his Brothers girl always is dolled up and your not, so he decided to have a little stab at ya, when she said it.

But really be yourself and slob around if ya want. If my GF didnt slob around and relax, I would think something is really wrong. And Remember Just because he is your BF doesnt mean he couldnt fault you.

Abi

Ok. I'm starting to understand your angle a bit better I think.

Terodil wrote: »

We're coming from opposite ends here: You're saying that he shouldn't put pressure on her, fair enough, I agree

We aren't really, just the way you've quoted me it appears that way. I basically meant that whether a guy is in the picture or not, women need some down-time. Now I don't mean to walk around the house a complete wreck. I'll tie my hair up high and out of the way, and walk around the house in something loose and comfortable. I always make sure I'm well groomed and I wash myself and brush/floss my teeth to borderline obsession. I know this is not about me specifically, but I can't really speak for other women I suppose.

I don't believe in wearing make-up all of the time, it clogs your pours and I like to leave it off when Im at home so my skin can breathe. There isn't that much of a contrast anyway, because I don't wear a lot in the first place.

in a loving relationship he usually wouldn't anyway, I'm saying it should be in both partners' interest to maintain an acceptable level themselves, each for their own.

In general I agree.

I would find it a bit dodgy indeed to run around in those super comfy half-bleached, half-torn track suit pants with a half-decomposed t-shirt on a daily basis.

That stuff belongs in either the bin / clothes bank. Its ok to have comfy wear, but it should be still pretty / attractive, not tatty or aging (granny jammies).

I may get slagged for this but I do believe letting yourself go beyond a certain point makes you unattractive and shows that you just don't care.

I agree.

I know several couples that, a few years into their marriage, were 'so comfortable with each other' (woohoo) that they both put on stones upon stones, slippered about - day in day out - in tracksuits or seldomly washed housecoats and were then surprised their love life died.

Theres truth and harsh points in this. So long as there is no medical conditions for either party, or just after a pregnancy - then there is no real excuse for letting yourself slip with regards to weight issues. After pregnancy womens figures never really fully return to their pre-pregnancy state, but they should make sure they eat well and work out for their own health and to boost their confidence.

Yeah you can dress as sloppily as you can/want but don't be surprised if it causes an effect. I'd personally not run that risk and rather make sure it's an exception and not too stark, in general. I want to be attractive for my partner.

There is no harm in that at all. But its not as simple as washing, working out, throwing on a nice shirt and a splash of after shave. For women, add a lot of preening, time on make-up and styling hair to the mix. I just think there needs to be some down time, with both in their natural state. You are going to see your partner with no make-up on when going to bed (at least I hope so).

But I get the impression your beef is more to do with hygiene and weight though, rather than dressing down at home.

d'Oracle

James Brown Says:

"You Gotta have good hair and good teeth. Mah daddy tole me that. Good Hair Good Teeth."

Sage words indeed.

SeekUp

'Letting go' just makes it more fun when we get cleaned up for date nights!