Miscarriage - flowers a suitable gesture?

SarahSassy

Hi Girls

Posted this under Parenting but didnt get any responses - they were all probably too busy changing nappies

My best friend is going through an awful time. She lost her first child a few years back during the birth and has just gone through a miscarriage. I bought her a voucher for a tree after her first baby and want to mark this second loss some way. She is at 9 weeks but I have known since early that she was pg.

I was thinking 9 white or yellow roses.

Are flowers a suitable condolence gesture in this instance?

ncmc

I think flowers are a nice gesture in this situation, I gave my SIL flowers when she had a miscarraige. It's just a nice way of letting her know you're there for her and thinking of her.

How awful for your friend, I can't imagine how she must be feeling right now.

SeekUp

I agree, flowers are completely appropriate.

~me~

shes lucky to have such a caring friend, flowers would be lovely. fair play for looking out for her, alot of people like to skim over the whole thing when she probably just needs you to just help her grieve. best wishes to her.

Joey the lips

a card would be a good idea with a verse of some sort. It worked very well for my wife from her friend and she still refers to it.

i dont think anyone wants to morn a loss but i dont think a trouphy for remembering is a good idea. Flowers are lovely. Ever though of a plant she can put out her garden.

CathyMoran

I had a miscarriage at 9.5 weeks and by that stage you are really attached to the baby - the flowers sound really nice but what we did that was nice was get a ballon with the nickname for our baby and let it go free. I would also not have 9 for the weeks, it will make it even harder on her, I am welling up writing this now and we had our first miscarriage in January.

Please understand that your friend may find it hard to deal with pregnant people at the moment and that it will be a grieving process. It takes time.

Khannie

The flowers are likely to enduce shockin' tears IMO and would be a reminder every time she looks at them so I'm gonna buck the trend here and advise against it.

We've been through 2 miscarriages; One at 7 and one at 12 weeks. Honestly, myself and my wife just holed ourselves up in the house for about a week and didn't come out (both times). I'd say just being there for a coffee and a talk (probably multiple times) would be much better.

Maddison

Im in agreement with Khannie on this, Its great that you want to do something for your friend & just the fact that your thinking of her is so nice. What I would do is organise for the both of you to have a ''girls'' night, a dvd, fatty foods, bottle of wine/non-alcoholic option. She probably just needs someone to talk to more than anything. Im sure whatever you do will be thoughful anyway.:)

LadyMayBelle

Again I think it's a difficult situation. Girl at work miscarried and felt the flowers only reminded her of the remembrance service she had for her baby (she miscarried at 11weeks), and when she got flowers for other occasions like birthdays or anything the sadness came rushing back.

It's very hard to know, but I'm sure when the gesture is meant in goodness she'll appreciate them regardless, but keep the above in mind.

A slight aside here but one that came up recently regarding the same girl; the work xmas do was scheduled for the weekend her baby had been due so we swiftly re-arranged it. A bit of forward thing goes a long way.

beachbabe

I had a miscarriage and got flowers, from family and friends. Personally I really appreciated them, and they reminded me people were thinking of us. I also found having my friends around was great, especially to get me out of the house etc.
I also think that its important to be there at what would have been the 12 week mark, usually when couples share the news with others, and around the due date.

chocgirl

I don't think I'd go for flowers, I always associate them with celebrations of happiness but maybe that's just me. I'd suggest taking her out for a nice lunch or maybe even coffee and cake. Just knowing that she has you to talk to will be somewhat comforting for her.

Trinity

I have had 2 and on both occasions i felt no-one gave a hoot at my loss so a gesture would be lovely. I'm on 2 minds about the flowers. Maybe one of those cards that say i am here for you or something along those lines with the peoms inside so its non specific to the miscarriage itself but lets her know you are there for here. Amd thats a great suggestion from Maddison bout a girls night as soon as she is ready.

On the leaflet they give you in the rotunda when you miscarry there is a white orchid on the cover. I guess only you know your friend but your acknowlegement of her loss itself is a lovely gesture as its very hard for people to understand cos they havent seen an actual baby, therefore dont know what you have lost.

Victor

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

SarahSassy

The sad part is that I have been through this with her before... The first pregnancy / loss was a horror story and I am not taking away from the sadness this time round.

Was just talking to her now and have agreed to go to a spa for a night for a treat. Her hubby is my friend too so I want a gesture for both of them.

OK... I need to think.. Cant decide between a plant or some flowers... Will wait til she gets home and do something.

kizzyr

SarahSassy wrote: »

The sad part is that I have been through this with her before... The first pregnancy / loss was a horror story and I am not taking away from the sadness this time round.

Was just talking to her now and have agreed to go to a spa for a night for a treat. Her hubby is my friend too so I want a gesture for both of them.

OK... I need to think.. Cant decide between a plant or some flowers... Will wait til she gets home and do something.

I have never been in the situation that so many other posters have and so I think their opinions count for more than mine. That said, I think a plant (flowering plant is you want) would be better than flowers themselves. I say this because a plant lasts, always giving out fresh leaves and blooms and should hopefully symbolise your friend's relationship with her husband, you and their future fertility. Flowers on the other hand don't last.

Hellrazer

Think I mentioned this somewhere else (possibly parenting)
Edit--it was in the Tattooing forum

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055417181

But after the last MC we had after 7 years of trying I got a star named with the name we had picked out for the baby and the date of our loss.

My wife loved it and honestly her opinion is that at least theres something permanent to remind her of what she lost.

CathyMoran

Hellrazer wrote: »

Think I mentioned this somewhere else (possibly parenting)
But after the last MC we had after 7 years of trying I got a star named with the name we had picked out for the baby and the date of our loss.

My wife loved it and honestly her opinion is that at least theres something permanent to remind her of what she lost.

That is so lovely, I did not think of that, you have me crying with that.

OP - The more that I think about this the more that I think that flowers might not be the best idea. Your friend needs your company and an excuse to get away from it for a while when she feels up for it (not yet). Also, acceptance that this is a loss is a great help. My best wishes to your friend.

~me~

to be honest i think any gesture, flowers or otherwise, will let her know you care. shes not going to forget her little baby so theres no need to worry about something reminding her of the loss, shes gonna remember it either way, you know?
ive gotten flowers for both happy occassions and really sad occassions and now whenever i get them i dont associate them with either i just know its someone telling me they care. she will too.
she may be sensitive to flowers but she could also be sensitive to something else and unless you know exactly what will set her off then just get what you feel is best.
theres been lots of good suggestions so far though.

Khannie

Hellrazer wrote: »

But after the last MC we had after 7 years of trying I got a star named with the name we had picked out for the baby and the date of our loss.

That's really lovely.

SarahSassy

I ended up sending her a few white roses. Hope I did the right thing....

Xiney

I think it's a very kind gesture. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

SarahSassy

OK well she received them and is delighted with them and said they didnt upset her so thats ok....