Resenting my girlfriend. Don't know what to do. Depressed !

LegacyUser

Hey, I'll try and keep this short and to the point, I'd really appreciate any advice or guidance.

My girlfriend recently went on a 3 week round-the-world tour with two guy friends with whom she is very close. A few of you might remember me making a post about this earlier. Just this week I found out that the final week of her holiday was spent with only one of the guys, as the other had other commitments. This guy makes me insanely jealous, and my girlfriend knows I have an intense hatred of him, since he is quite clearly madly in love with her. The first thing that annoyed me was that they could have made the holiday a week shorter - since my girlfriend knew I felt left out and hurt by all of this, but she didn't.

We are 19, have been together for two years, so I realise that we are quite young, but we're both quite mature and it is a serious, committed relationship (not one of those lovey dovey, 'serious', "OMGawz i luv u sooo much!!!!!111!!" kinds of things!).

Anyway, the reason I didn't go was because my girlfriend's mother didn't want me to go on the trip with her - it made her uneasy. I know that sounds kind of weird and overprotective, but honestly I have no grievances with that - I like that my girlfriend has such protective parents who obviously care for her a lot.

But, its all getting too much. For the past few months I have felt so left out, them constantly organising and planning. And now, for the past three weeks, I've been being constantly texted and it honestly sounds like they are having more fun than they've had in their entire lives. And I resent her so much for that. I'm happy she's having fun, I just feel so, so left out, resentful and angry.

She's coming home in two days. I just don't know what to do. She really hurt me in booking the holiday in the first place (she did so without consulting me, and even though I said that it would really hurt me if she went on the trip - apparently the whole thing just "kind of snowballed").

I'm completely in love with this girl, but I don't know if I can deal with everything she has done.

Help, please ?

Sarah W

Why were her parents unhappy about her going on holiday with her long term b/f but OK with her going with two (presumably single) male friends??

LegacyUser

I can see why you're hurt etc. It's ridiculous that her parents left her off with two guy friends but you weren't 'allowed' go too. If I was in her situation and my parents did that, I'd include my boyfriend and book it and organise it with him to go too. One thing though- about you saying couldn't they have made it a week shorter... 3 weeks is a VERY short time to go around the world. Two weeks would have been silly in my opinion.
I think you should be having 'grievances' with why you weren't allowed go.
That's what stands out in your post to me.
By not resolving that matter at the time and do something like speak to her mother and reassure her, everything spiraled. That appears to a main factor in why you're now feeling left out and hurt etc.

I think it was pretty bad to go off and book the holiday without letting you know- although she was entitled to do so etc. I have a friend who booked a trip to the other side of the world for a month with one of her best guy friends. She has a boyfriend but he was ok with it as it was a last min trip. They really are just friends. She's one of my closest so I'm quite sure I'd have heard about it if anything had happened.

It sounds like your girlfriend isn't really considering your point of view in this situation though. I hope she at least reassures you that there's nothing going on with this friend. She probably is enjoying the attention of him apparently being in love with her.

Latchy

OP i do remember your first thread on this

Sarah W wrote: »

Why were her parents unhappy about her going on holiday with her long term b/f but OK with her going with two (presumably single) male friends??

That's the bit I couldn't understand either

karlog

Sounds like her parents trust 2 single fella's more than their daughters boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

The reason the parents were okay with her going away with the lads is because, well, the mother of my girlfriend is best-friends with the mother of one of the guys she is going with. My girlfriends mother and this guy get on extremely well. Annoyingly so, since she isn't all too keen on me.

Also, I meant to say round-Europe tour, not round-the-world.

Another point - I asked her not to go to one place. Paris. I said I really wanted to experience there with her myself. A fair request, I thought, since the whole going around the world thing is my dream, and now she is living it out with these two other guys.

She went there. Not just once, but twice. I'm not that mad, she says they couldn't get trains to anywhere else since this is the week all French people go on holidays. It was either journey there, or stay the night on the streets, apparently. I think thats fair enough, but its just another reason that I am feeling so incredibly horrible right now. I want to experience stuff like that with her !

I should point out also, that her parents organised it so that she is living with the guy whom she is spending the three weeks with when we go to college. The whole thing is really pushing me, and I wish there was a way to just get rid of these 3 or 4 things that have really hurt me,to make it even...or something...but I don't know what to do, and with everything as it is, I don't think that I can just "forget". But I love her.

Help ?

rubayat

You should have went on the trip!

I got married to my wife at 19 and now have 3 kids and i can tell you nobody would have stopped me going on that trip!

But maybe thats why I dont get on with the inlaws.

She should have insisted u go too and I dont think your wrong being jealous of this other guy, I would be too.

LegacyUser

karlog wrote: »

Sounds like her parents trust 2 single fella's more than their daughters boyfriend.

Its not so much that, they are very religious and don't want to give us any opportunities to go making babies, basically.

The girlfriend says that this Summer she is just going with it, but next Summer we are definitely going somewhere together.

This isn't really an issue to me, to be honest. My girlfriend wants to respect her parent wishes since they've been very nice lately, and I'm cool with that.

sachamama

hi OP, it does sound very frustrating. However I think once you see her and hear her side of it your heart will tell you how you feel about her.

however the question i have for you is why did she deliberatly go with a man that you are jealous of? why couldnt she go with some girlfriends? Is it worth persuing these questions though or are you able to move on in your relationship with her?

(warning signals going off here though with the mothers arranging for the shared accommodation..... that doesnt fit with me either... why should she share with this guy when she could share with girls ??)

lots to think about. if you and her are strong together it shouldnt be a problem.

me_right_one

Whose idea was it to go in the first place?

rustynutz

Westmeathman wrote: »

Its not so much that, they are very religious and don't want to give us any opportunities to go making babies, basically.

The girlfriend says that this Summer she is just going with it, but next Summer we are definitely going somewhere together.

This isn't really an issue to me, to be honest. My girlfriend wants to respect her parent wishes since they've been very nice lately, and I'm cool with that.

I think she should have thought more about your feelings when she was planning the trip.And you should definitley insisted on going despite what her parents think,sounds to me like her parents would like to see her going out with this other guy instead of you,only one way to deal with them imo,they clearly don't like you so you have nothing to loose by treading on their toes,who knows,they may even respect you more for it!

Moomoo1

you should suggest that you two go somewhere later this summer as compensation - Paris maybe?

It's still strange that her mother doesn't want you and her to go and make babies, but is happy to let someone who is 'clearly mad about her' go on holiday with her.

Taltos

I agree with all the others here. You have more issues than just your girlfriend going off with 2 guys around Europe...

1. You are 19 - so - an adult - parents no longer tell you what to do - they request - you think about it - you reject their kindly interfering ways.
2. Her parents are interfering in your relationship
3. SHE is allowing her parents to control what you do (hard to stop when you are young - no-one wants to hurt their parents.) She might not even be aware of this though and will not until they slip up and be really obvious.
4. Her mum is playing matchmaker - any more obvious than this and she would have had the church booked already.
5. Your jealousy is getting in the way of you thinking clearly through all this..

So here is my suggestion - you can either put all of this behind you and deal with your jealousy before she comes home (ie You TRUST her absolutely) or you can allow your jealousy to make sure the mother wins here...


See - when she comes back she will be all talk about the places she saw - so if you act all put out all you will do is push her away. So instead ask her to tell you where she loved it most or places she had wished she had gotten to see and offer to go to those places with her later in the year!!!

BUT - when she does come back - man - never ever let anyone else - mother/brother/sister/best friend/milkman ever again determine your relationship for you. Suggest you sit her down and ler her know you are really happy she had a great holiday (and you better mean this part or she will know) but from this point onwards if this relationship is going anywhere you need to be involved in decisions that effect you both.
Be civil and polite around her folks - sounds like they might try to push some more of your buttons later... But just let your gf see that you are being the adult here - even if they are not. If it gets too much though call round less to her house - get her to come to yours more.

On a positive note - she has been texted your constantly - so that is good.
Remember you can either trust her or you can't, & if you can't then you should not be with her in the first place.

994

Latchy wrote: »

That's the bit I couldn't understand either

Obviously d'mother doesn't like you and wants her daughter to be with one of those nice Catholic boys instead. Why exactly she thinks that's her decision to make is one of the mysteries of motherhood.

JamesAlex

regardless, it seems to me like she isn't into this relationship as much as you, Im at a loss why she would go without you. But you do sound like a jealous guy. Have you been having relationship issues before she left, has she been in contact with you recently?

Wagon

That's the bit I couldn't understand either.

Because the mother is a small minded twat who thinks that every 19 year old chap who doesn't go to mass, read excerpts of the bible before dinner and goes to confession after using the toilet just wants to plant his seed. Sheer ignorance on her part.

JamesAlex wrote: »

regardless, it seems to me like she isn't into this relationship as much as you, Im at a loss why she would go without you.

Because she's self centred. Wants to travel and assumes her boyfriend of two years won't care.

But you do sound like a jealous guy.

I think he has good reason to be.
1. Parents don't like him and are doing all they can to keep him at at arms length.
2. Wanted to see places with the girl he loves but she didn't exactly give him much consideration.
3. Other bloke is on the scene and is trying to pull his girlfriend from under his nose (it takes a special kind of wánker to do that) and coupled with the religious parents thinking he's better for her than the OP...such bóllocks.

To be fair, i'd be damn pissed off too.

Have you been having relationship issues before she left, has she been in contact with you recently?

Good question this. Apart from this round Europe trip, has she kept you at arms length about other things too?

As regards to the parents (who are a large problem in this case) the only person who can stand up to them is your girlfriend. And until she does, this situation might not change.

Nervous Wreck

Look, without picking apart the issues regarding your girlfriend's relationship with her overprotective (read: moronic) parents or her willingness to go against them; without picking apart her friendship with this dude or your jealousy towards him, here's some real advice. It comes in 2 parts.



1. Chill out and wait till she gets home.

and

2. Talk to her. You sound like you're really serious about the relationship and really in love. Your lines of communication should, as such, be quite good. Just let her know (non-accusingly) how you're feeling about the whole situation. Don't go overboard (as it will lead to her resenting you for sullying the holiday she's just arrived home from) but let her see how you feel. Best way to resolve this conflict is to communicate your feelings.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP...

Well I am not going to follow the party line here. I think this is an absolutely ridiculous and possessive attitude you have toward your girlfriend.

And it seems to me that she is telling you that loud and clear. She is saying to you that she will not accept this kind of controlling jealousy and the idea that you own her, by going off with two blokes to enjoy herself anyway. And I agree with her 100%. In addition is seems me that her parents are supporting her decision by their attitude toward you.

She is far far too young to allow herself to be controlled and restricted by any man, and it appears obvious to me which one of you is the more mature.

My advice to you is to get a grip on this insane jealousy before you go any further in your life. It is destructive and will destroy far more than it will ever create. It is a corrosive emotion that will bring you nothing but pain.

You may think it is somehow some kind of "proof" of love; some kind of honorable feeling. It isn't. It is sad and selfish.

I am sorry to appear so tough on you but I have seen it ruin so many relationships in my life, and I truly believe in what I am saying to you.

All the best. I mean it.

me_right_one

Wagon wrote: »

3. Other bloke is on the scene and is trying to pull his girlfriend from under his nose (it takes a special kind of wánker to do that) and coupled with the religious parents thinking he's better for her than the OP...such bóllocks.

To be fair, i'd be damn pissed off too.

What can you do about as$holes like that though? If you tell them to back off, you end up looking like a spanner, GF leaves you, and if you do nothing, there's a good chance he will succeed, and the GF leaves you. I hate those sort of pr1cks

VaioCruiser

me_right_one wrote: »

What can you do about as$holes like that though? If you tell them to back off, you end up looking like a spanner, GF leaves you, and if you do nothing, there's a good chance he will succeed, and the GF leaves you. I hate those sort of pr1cks

All's fair in love and war. We someone ? We go for it. It is up to her to say no, not others to back off.

Life is not a rehearsal.

me_right_one

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP...

Well I am not going to follow the party line here. I think this is an absolutely ridiculous and possessive attitude you have toward your girlfriend.

And it seems to me that she is telling you that loud and clear. She is saying to you that she will not accept this kind of controlling jealousy and the idea that you own her, by going off with two blokes to enjoy herself anyway. And I agree with her 100%. In addition is seems me that her parents are supporting her decision by their attitude toward you.

She is far far too young to allow herself to be controlled and restricted by any man, and it appears obvious to me which one of you is the more mature.

My advice to you is to get a grip on this insane jealousy before you go any further in your life. It is destructive and will destroy far more than it will ever create. It is a corrosive emotion that will bring you nothing but pain.

You may think it is somehow some kind of "proof" of love; some kind of honorable feeling. It isn't. It is sad and selfish.

I am sorry to appear so tough on you but I have seen it ruin so many relationships in my life, and I truly believe in what I am saying to you.

All the best. I mean it.

I dont think the OP is being controlling or possessive at all! He didnt try to stop her, eventhough he KNEW a horny younglad that fancied his GF was going aswell. He abided by her parents wishes, and although he's clearly wounded by all of this, he's prepared to face more pain by advertising his situation on the internet for all to see, such is his concern for their relationship.

If he was controlling, he would have done something to ruin their trip, or stop it going ahead in the first place. Or worse, he would have a fling with some other girl while the GF was away, not caring about either girl! Thats what being self centred and controlling is!

The OP has given 2 years of his life, that he will never get back, to this girl. He obviously loves her and is worried that a stupid holiday, combined with her blind selfishness and a horned up younglad will ruin their past and future.

He is just neutral, and in pain, looking for help.

me_right_one

VaioCruiser wrote: »

All's fair in love and war. We someone ? We go for it. It is up to her to say no, not others to back off.

Life is not a rehearsal.

So that makes it alright to ruin a relationship? By that logic, you could steal everything in life you want. Rob banks, sell drugs, fcuk everybody else, life is not a rehearsel eh?

VaioCruiser

me_right_one wrote: »

I dont think the OP is being controlling or possessive at all! He didnt try to stop her, eventhough he KNEW a horny younglad that fancied his GF was going aswell. He abided by her parents wishes, and although he's clearly wounded by all of this, he's prepared to face more pain by advertising his situation on the internet for all to see, such is his concern for their relationship.

If he was controlling, he would have done something to ruin their trip, or stop it going ahead in the first place. Or worse, he would have a fling with some other girl while the GF was away, not caring about either girl! Thats what being self centred and controlling is!

Wrong. He wants to control her life and restrict who she choses to travel with. And I seriously doubt if this is an isolated incident. I am sure he is showing this kind of behaviour to her in other ways and this is contributing to her statement of independence. Fair do'es to her !
Next year he will be jealous about her talking to other men in the pub, or at the checkout. She needs to put her foot down and take a stand now before she sinks any deeper.

The OP has given 2 years of his life, that he will never get back, to this girl. He obviously loves her and is worried that a stupid holiday, combined with her blind selfishness and a horned up younglad will ruin their past and future.

She is not married and only 19. To say she is selfish is nonsense. She is showing all the signs of being intelligent and independent and good on her for that !
The OP's obsession with the 'supposed' motives of these other guys is not supported by the actions of the GF or the parents. This is probably a figment of the OP's imagination, another part of his out of control jealousy.

It is an appalling vista to suggest that when we invest our emotions in someone that gives us the right to decide how they behave ? That is the classic control freakery mentality and justification that men have used for centuries to control their women.

That is classic controlling behaviour and thinking and it is responsible for more breakups and ruined relationships than anything but money.

He is just neutral, and in pain, looking for help.

Yes. But instead of looking for his GF to solve his jealousy, he should be looking at himself.

CDfm

OP - thats a tough one.

At 19 its possible to be good friends with a guy etc and thats the way it is. Try not to worry as you are only starting out in life.

You should explain to her that you feel this way and and not by asking her how she would feel if it had been you and had been misled about the travel arrangments. Its best to say that you really missed her and wished it was you with her.

I dont thing its a control thing from you I think 2 years is a lot of time invested in a relationship and you sort of need to be sure that her feelings are the same as yours.Maybe you are jealous but maybe you value the relationship too.

As for her mother. Well a situation like this is unlikely to come up again but learn from it and if it does tell her mother nothing.

Good luck with your girlfriend and try not to bring a downer on the holiday by bringing it up too harshly.

Astrogeek

I just want to put it out there that my parents are exactly the same with the male friends / boyfriend thing. (Well they were when I was younger)

I could stay in the same room as a guy as long as he was just a friend but with the boyfriend it was completely off limits. They trusted me to "control" myself and always presumed I definitely wouldn't let a guy touch me if we weren't in a relationship.

Maybe her parents are in the same mind-sit mine were. But once I finished the leaving cert they stopped "giving orders" and started suggesting what I do instead.

Wagon

VaioCruiser wrote: »

All's fair in love and war. We someone ? We go for it. It is up to her to say no, not others to back off.

Life is not a rehearsal.

Saying it's okay to ruin other people's happiness, relationships and treat others like crap just to get what you want is grand, but normally people who have those beliefs are the ones with little sympathy when it all goes tits up for them. So im sorry, but your view is absolute self centered bóllocks.

cocoa

I think you need to figure out how you feel about the separate issues here. What's making you feel upset? What do you feel was unfair and/or should change? Is it booking the trip without telling you? Is it going with someone else? Is it going with that particular guy? Is it going without you? Is it doing something you wanted to do together without you?

There's lots of different things in there and I think you need to figure out exactly what's really the problem. One thing that rings alarm bells for me is that you seemed annoyed she was texting you while she was away. That's crazy! 1. You should be happy she's having a good time, if this relationship is so serious you should be fully capable of enjoying that she's happy and having a good time even if it's without you and 2. this means she was thinking about you while away with these two other guys, good sign!

You don't have the right to stop her going anywhere and saying things like 'It would really hurt me if you went on this trip' is totally unreasonable! You're both young and you have no idea how long this is going to last, but even if you did, you have to be able to exist independently of each other. While on the face of it it seems unfair that she should ignore how you feel about this guy who is 'in love' with her, have you considered that he may actually be a close friend she still enjoys spending time with and you've put her in an awkward position?

I'm sorry if what I'm saying sounds a bit harsh OP but I think you need toget your head straight on this.

VaioCruiser

Wagon wrote: »

Saying it's okay to ruin other people's happiness, relationships and treat others like crap just to get what you want is grand, but normally people who have those beliefs are the ones with little sympathy when it all goes tits up for them. So im sorry, but your view is absolute self centered bóllocks.

Not a very rational argument.

It is irrational to say that a person who makes a pass at a person who is in a relationship, or who makes it clear to them that they want them, "ruins" their relationship. That is to imply people who receive such attention are helpless victims... which is clearly not the case.

Mature people know this. When we find a person we fall for, life is far too short to keep it a secret. We can never know what that person really wants or what their life is like. It is a very silly and shortsighted person who keeps it a secret.

The self centered people are those who tut tut at other people living their lives to the full while they stay under their bed clothes wishing, but too frightened to do anything about it. Sad really.

me_right_one

OP, I think the lyrics to Billy Joel's "Tell her about it" might be a good read:


Listen boy
Don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes
I made

She's a real nice girl
And she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

Listen boy
I'm sure that you think you got it all
Under control
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul

You're a big boy now
You'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing
She ought to know

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real

Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Listen boy
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide communication constantly

When you love someone
You're always insecure
And there's only one good way
To reassure

Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there
Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe

Cause now and then
She'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone

Listen boy
It's good information from a man
Who's made mistakes
Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes

She's a trusting soul
She's put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you
What you should do

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Tell her about it
Tell her how you feel right now
Tell her about it
The girl don't want to wait too long
You got to tell her about it
Tell her now and you won't go wrong
You got to tell her about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell her about it
You know the girl don't want
To wait - you got to
Tell her about it




And Viaocruiser, you're way wrong. If "all is fair in love and war", as you say, I hope I never catch you "making a pass", in other words, trying to seduce, my OH.

bSlick

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Wrong. He wants to control her life and restrict who she choses to travel with. And I seriously doubt if this is an isolated incident. I am sure he is showing this kind of behaviour to her in other ways and this is contributing to her statement of independence. Fair do'es to her !
Next year he will be jealous about her talking to other men in the pub, or at the checkout. She needs to put her foot down and take a stand now before she sinks any deeper.

So you would have no problem with your wife/gf going off on a trip for a year with two males, one who was dying to have his way with her?

Terrible analogies there too, talking to some guys in the pub or at the checkout is completely incomparable to heading off for a year with two lads.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser, you are mad!!

How can you expect anyone to be over the moon about their partner going away with someone who is crazy about them?

If he said she couldn't go away with the girls, then that would be very slightly selfish but to go away with another man?! What do you want him to say???

Sorry OP, only you know if you can trust her. She doesn't have to give into him but I seriously think her parents are crazy. Do they not realise that you don't have to be in Paris/Belguim/Kazakhstan to get jiggy with their daughter??? I would do it in their bed and filthy it up.

Monkey61

Op I remember your post before and it was indeed a horrible situation to be in, but I just thought I'd make a few points on this one...

1. Your girlfriend is entitled to go on holidays without you and with whoever she likes - just as she is entitled to have male friends.

2. Okay so this guy apparently fancies her, grand, but why does that automatically mean that something might happen? Give the girl a little credit, I am sure she isn't so weak willed that any guy who is mad into is going to be able to have her just because they are away on holidays together. If she wants to cheat with this guy, then she can do it any time she likes - a holiday isn't going to make her do it. There are always going to be other people that fancy your girlfriend - but you have her, be proud of that and don't mess it up by pushing her away.

3. I would be furious with her parents, BUT, it does sound like she wanted to go without you anyway. She is an adult and you could easily have gone too if she had wanted.

4. Do not act the jealous boyfriend when she comes back. Be delighted to see her, ask her all about everything she has done and where she has been. Be interested. Don't think of it as her seeing Paris without you, think of it as her being able to excitedly show you the sights and great places to go when the two of you get to go.

Also I hope you have been using these three weeks wisely so that you have lots of stories and news to tell her when she does get back, just so she knows that you haven't been moping around without her!

prinz

I have to agree with Vaio Cruiser on one point, IMO it's quite possible what he sees as the friend being 'mad after her' is imagination tbh. If the parents are friends, and the girl and this guy are friends, they probably grew up together over the years. They're probably more like brother and sister tbh. At least that's how I think the OP's girlfriend sees it, and her parents.

My OH has a very close friend, a guy, who was next door neighbours when she was a kid. tbh at the beginning I thought it was a little odd how close they were, but it's just circumstance that they grew up as best friends. Nothing to worry about.

kittenkiller

I know completely where you're coming from OP.

The thing you have to focus on is that you obviously love your gf and she loves you.

You need to let your young gf go off and enjoy herself without you as well as with you.
If you trust her not to doing anything behind your back then all the rest is just bruised ego (which can hurt just as much).
If you don't trust her then you should seriously reassess your relationship.

I'm sure she's just letting her hair down and having fun, you can't live your life resenting her for it, it'll destroy you.

VaioCruiser

bSlick wrote: »

So you would have no problem with your wife/gf going off on a trip for a year with two males, one who was dying to have his way with her?
.

I am lucky to have had lengthy relationships with three or four absolutely beautiful and successful women in my life. They have travelled extensively for long periods of time while with me and several times I have known how much colleagues fancied them. It was a huge pleasure to me to know I was with someone who was so desired. I trusted them and was very happy. I am now 10 years with one of them and I enjoy hugely how much other men lust after her. She flirts with good looking men regularly but she lets me know that I am her man.

It is the kind of juvenile insecurity demonstrated by the OP that so many men suffer from, that serially ruins so many of their relationships. Sadly they don't even know it most of the time and bolster their ego by telling themselves that they are alpha males looking after their women .... until they lose them, again and again.

Clearly you would prefer to have a girlfriend no other man wants. Fair enough, each to his own.

All the best.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

VaioCruiser, you are mad!!

Yadda yadda yadda

How can you expect anyone to be over the moon about their partner going away with someone who is crazy about them?

Ahhh so you prefer to have a girlfriend that is so ugly no other men want her... ? I understand now.

If he said she couldn't go away with the girls, then that would be very slightly selfish but to go away with another man?! What do you want him to say???

Clearly he is controlling and insecure and probably, though he doesn't admit it, too intense. They are not married. They are not engaged. He needs to appreciate having a desirable GF and get a grip on his jealousy.

I would do it in their bed and filthy it up.

What a mature attitude you have... :rolleyes:

VaioCruiser

Monkey61 wrote: »

1. Your girlfriend is entitled to go on holidays without you and with whoever she likes - just as she is entitled to have male friends.

2. Okay so this guy apparently fancies her, grand, but why does that automatically mean that something might happen? Give the girl a little credit, I am sure she isn't so weak willed that any guy who is mad into is going to be able to have her just because they are away on holidays together. If she wants to cheat with this guy, then she can do it any time she likes - a holiday isn't going to make her do it. There are always going to be other people that fancy your girlfriend - but you have her, be proud of that and don't mess it up by pushing her away.

3. I would be furious with her parents, BUT, it does sound like she wanted to go without you anyway. She is an adult and you could easily have gone too if she had wanted.

4. Do not act the jealous boyfriend when she comes back. Be delighted to see her, ask her all about everything she has done and where she has been. Be interested. Don't think of it as her seeing Paris without you, think of it as her being able to excitedly show you the sights and great places to go when the two of you get to go.

Also I hope you have been using these three weeks wisely so that you have lots of stories and news to tell her when she does get back, just so she knows that you haven't been moping around without her!

Excellent advice Monkey61 !

prinz

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I am now 10 years with one of them and I enjoy hugely how much other men lust after her. She flirts with good looking men regularly but she lets me know that I am her man.
Clearly you would prefer to have a girlfriend no other man wants. Fair enough, each to his own.

Sorry, but that's juvenile. You are with someone because you want to be with them, not because they look good on your arm and you get off on the fact that other people 'lust' after them... there's nothing grown up or secure about that tbh. In fact it's fairly petty and childish IMO. It's like a kid saying 'na na na na na you can't have her'. My own OH is very sexeh but I don't care who wants/doesn't want her.

LegacyUser

No need to roll your eyes at me Mr!! Allowing your partner to do whatever they want with whoever they want isn't really the way to 'run' a relationship, there has to be SOME rules and boundaries set and I should imagine you are in a very low percentage. Not saying there is anything wrong with your views, fair play to you, if that is how you are but I would have thought most people wouldn't be happy with their partner going away like that under those circumstances, especially when the in laws hate you and have arranged a holiday for your partner with another man!

This isn't a simple pair of friends going away, there is a lot more behind it. If my mother in law arranged a holiday for my boyfriend with a girl who worships him...I don't think I would be doing cartwheels put it that way.

VaioCruiser

prinz wrote: »

Sorry, but that's juvenile. You are with someone because you want to be with them, not because they look good on your arm and you get off on the fact that other people 'lust' after them... there's nothing grown up or secure about that tbh. In fact it's fairly petty and childish IMO. It's like a kid saying 'na na na na na you can't have her'. My own OH is very sexeh but I don't care who wants/doesn't want her.

I have been lucky to have had relationships with a few beautiful women. Perhaps that is not something you are comfortable with. Clearly you are one of those more comfortable with a less than desirable partner. Fair enough.

Implying that my relationships were based on them looking god on my arm is a childish nonsense. The point that matters is that I did not share your kind of insecurity and need to control. That is the really sad and juvenile part.

puglover

Seriously, all this over a 3 week holiday with very close friends, one who may or may not fancy her(shouldn't matter if you trust her).

If you can't handle a 3 week break and don't trust her enough you really have no business being in a serious committed relationship with her.

She hasn't done anything wrong, the issue is yours.

You sound very jealous and controlling and I wouldn't be surprised if thats the reason she didn't invite you in the first place. It's like children who's parents are controlling, they almost all eventually rebel.

LegacyUser

Why do looks have to come into it??

His gf is going away with another bloke, she doesn't have to be Carmen Electra to have attention from a member of the opposite sex and attraction isn't all down to looks. He is close to her and sounds like he has fallen for her, that is not something anyone would want.

prinz

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Perhaps that is not something you are comfortable with. Clearly you are one of those more comfortable with a less than desirable partner. Fair enough.Implying that my relationships were based on them looking god on my arm is a childish nonsense. The point that matters is that I did not share your kind of insecurity and need to control. That is the really sad and juvenile part.

You're doing all the implying yourself.. no need for me to imply anything. I'm perfectly secure, and I'm not controlling Between the two of us I'm not the one concerned with what other people think of my OH, you are.

LegacyUser

OP, you need to get over your girlfriend a.) having male friends and b.) doing things independently of you. Being jealous and possessive has ruined many a relationship.

Your girlfriend is not a possession who can be "stolen away" by someone else. She's capable of making her own decisions. If you don't want her going on holiday with a guy you suspect fancies her, then you don't trust her. And that's not very fair on her.

CDfm

A great point on trust and I do think that you should trust her here with this one as a balance to what you are feeling about the other guy.

Wagon

VaioCruiser wrote: »

The self centered people are those who tut tut at other people living their lives to the full while they stay under their bed clothes wishing, but too frightened to do anything about it.

...or the ones that come out with irritating hippy horsecrap along the lines of like "life is not a rehersal", "life is an amazing adventure" and things like that in order to justify acting like a prat and treating others like shít just to get your way. I wouldn't approach a woman in a relationship out of respect, not out of fear. But i suppose you have a different dictionary to the rest of us so it makes it okay for you to carry on like that.

Sad really

My hole.

Zaph

Wagon wrote: »

My hole.

If people don't start responding to one another in a civil and adult manner I'm going to start handing out infractions. There will be no further warnings.

Chinafoot

Westmeathman wrote: »

My girlfriend recently went on a 3 week round-the-world tour with two guy friends with whom she is very close.

Key word is "friends."

Westmeathman wrote: »

Just this week I found out that the final week of her holiday was spent with only one of the guys, as the other had other commitments. This guy makes me insanely jealous, and my girlfriend knows I have an intense hatred of him, since he is quite clearly madly in love with her.

Insanely jealous and an intense hatred? Seriously? You need to grow up mate. He's her friend. By having a completely irrational hatred of one of her friends you are putting her in a very awkward and unfair position. You can profess your love for your girlfriend all you want but expecting her to not spend time with a close friend because of your issues is absolutely ridiculous and will do nothing other than damage your relationship with your girlfriend.

Westmeathman wrote: »

The first thing that annoyed me was that they could have made the holiday a week shorter - since my girlfriend knew I felt left out and hurt by all of this, but she didn't.

Fair play to her. Why should her holiday be cut short because you don't trust her? Essentially thats what this comes down to isn't it? You don't trust her. If you did it wouldn't matter who fancied her (real or imagined...given the tone of your posts I'm swaying more towards the imagined side of things tbh) nothing would happen if she didn't want it to. You need to learn that you can't dictate who she spends time with or for how long.

Westmeathman wrote: »

We are 19, have been together for two years, so I realise that we are quite young, but we're both quite mature and it is a serious, committed relationship (not one of those lovey dovey, 'serious', "OMGawz i luv u sooo much!!!!!111!!" kinds of things!).

She sounds mature, you don't. You need to relax and calm down.

Westmeathman wrote: »

Anyway, the reason I didn't go was because my girlfriend's mother didn't want me to go on the trip with her - it made her uneasy. I know that sounds kind of weird and overprotective, but honestly I have no grievances with that - I like that my girlfriend has such protective parents who obviously care for her a lot.

At 19 my parents wouldn't dream of telling me who I could and couldn't go away with. I have to ask though, why on earth would you want to go travelling with a guy that you have an "intense hatred for" and who makes you "insanely jealous"? You said your girlfriend is aware of your feelings here and I have to be honest mate, if I was in her position I wouldn't want you coming along. Maybe the parents excuse is true, maybe it's not. Either way you need to get these irratonal feelings in check or expect to find yourself excluded from a mlot more.

Westmeathman wrote: »

But, its all getting too much. For the past few months I have felt so left out, them constantly organising and planning. And now, for the past three weeks, I've been being constantly texted and it honestly sounds like they are having more fun than they've had in their entire lives. And I resent her so much for that. I'm happy she's having fun, I just feel so, so left out, resentful and angry.

Would you rather she kept the whole trip a secret from you and didn't involve you in any of the planning or let you know how she is getting on.

Westmeathman wrote: »

She's coming home in two days. I just don't know what to do. She really hurt me in booking the holiday in the first place (she did so without consulting me, and even though I said that it would really hurt me if she went on the trip - apparently the whole thing just "kind of snowballed").

You're completely out of order. She wanted to go away with two of her good friends, their gender is irrelevant. You openly hate one of these friends so why on earth would she want you to go? She is going to have things in her life that are independent of you and if you want to have an adult relationship you will have to learn to deal with that.

Westmeathman wrote: »

I'm completely in love with this girl, but I don't know if I can deal with everything she has done.

She hasn't done anything wrong. She's gone on a holiday with 2 of her close friends. If anything she should pissed off with you for your attitude to the whole thing.

Sarah W wrote: »

Why were her parents unhappy about her going on holiday with her long term b/f but OK with her going with two (presumably single) male friends??

To be honest, I suspect there is more to the parents excuse than is being let on. I don't think it's a case of her mam wanting her with the other guy. Maybe the OPs girlfriend used her parents as an excuse. I'm not condoning it but I can't see why she would want him going away with her and her 2 friends when he openly hates on of them. I certainly wouldn't want that, I would however be up front about it.

Westmeathman wrote: »

Another point - I asked her not to go to one place. Paris. I said I really wanted to experience there with her myself. A fair request, I thought, since the whole going around the world thing is my dream, and now she is living it out with these two other guys.

She went there. Not just once, but twice. I'm not that mad, she says they couldn't get trains to anywhere else since this is the week all French people go on holidays. It was either journey there, or stay the night on the streets, apparently. I think thats fair enough, but its just another reason that I am feeling so incredibly horrible right now. I want to experience stuff like that with her !

Wow. You think it's fair to expect your girlfriend to skip one of the biggest European cities on her trip, and presumably expecting her friends to do the same, just so you can fulfill some idealised romantic notion?? Is she meant to stay somewhere else by herself while her friends visit Paris? You think thats reasonable? Seeing a city with friends and seeing it with your partner are two very different experiences. You sound so immature.

Westmeathman wrote: »

I should point out also, that her parents organised it so that she is living with the guy whom she is spending the three weeks with when we go to college.

You mean her friend? The guy she is very close to, who's family is close to her family? My lord, it is possible for men and women to be friends and nothing more. If this bloke has feelings for her you have to trust her. All this hatred and jealousy is showing a lack of trust in her. He can't make her leave you. If she wants to be with him she will and tbh, if you keep acting like this you run the risk of pushing her away from you.

Westmeathman wrote: »

The whole thing is really pushing me, and I wish there was a way to just get rid of these 3 or 4 things that have really hurt me,to make it even...or something...but I don't know what to do, and with everything as it is, I don't think that I can just "forget". But I love her.

You are making it out like she has already cheated on you. You are being irrational and childish and I would suggest you learn to get to grips with this before college because there is a very good chance that she will have even more interests outside your relationship. She will have more friends that will be male and she will want to do more things that may not include you. She went on a three week holiday with her good friends. Thats it. Nothing more.

Unregistered wrote: »

especially when the in laws hate you and have arranged a holiday for your partner with another man!

This isn't a simple pair of friends going away, there is a lot more behind it. If my mother in law arranged a holiday for my boyfriend with a girl who worships him...I don't think I would be doing cartwheels put it that way.

Where did the OP say his girlfriends parents organised her holiday? They didn't. He says they organised their accommodation for college. Thats a big difference. This guy's parents and the OP's girlfriend's parents are best friends, and I seriously doubt that the girlfriends mother said "right missy, you're living with <insert name here> and thats the end of it. We'll get ye together if its the last thing we do!" If the girlfriend has to have accommodation for college then I'm guessing they are moving a good distance from home. The parents obviously thought it'd be good for both kids to have someone they are close to when they get there. Not exactly a bad thing.

As for the parents hating the OP. I have to be honest and say that in my experience most parents want whats best for their child, and if mammy or daddy hate a partner there is usually a good reason for it. The OP comes across as way too intense, admits to insane jealously and intense hatred and is making, imo, unreasonable demands on his girlfriend. If I was viewing that as a parent I'd be very concerned for my child as it sounds like an unheathy relationship. I wouldn't tell my 19 year old daughter who she can and can't see but tbh I would question the extent of the parents influence on that score.

OP, all of these problems are your problems and yours alone. You need to control your jealousy, understand that your girlfriend and this bloke are just very good, close friends and you can't go making demands on who she can and cant spend time with. She went on holiday with her friends. If one of them fancies her it should make no diference if you trust her. She hasn't done anything wrong and I for one commend her for sticking to her guns while you were behaving like a child. Time to grow up or else risk losing this girl.

Latchy

Wagon wrote: »

Because the mother is a small minded twat who thinks that every 19 year old chap who doesn't go to mass, read excerpts of the bible before dinner and goes to confession after using the toilet just wants to plant his seed. Sheer ignorance on her part.

And sterotypical of many Irish mothers ( and also true )

OS119

Wagon wrote: »

...or the ones that come out with irritating hippy horsecrap along the lines of like "life is not a rehersal", "life is an amazing adventure" and things like that in order to justify acting like a prat and treating others like shít just to get your way. I wouldn't approach a woman in a relationship out of respect, not out of fear. But i suppose you have a different dictionary to the rest of us so it makes it okay for you to carry on like that.

My hole.

who are you to determine the nature of someone elses relationship?

if you fancy them, ask them out - if they say no its because they choose not to, not because of your preconcieved ideas about the nature of any relationship they may be in.

OP, your GF has gone to europe for 3 weeks with two other blokes because, despite being a little man who 'punishes' his GF for the way other people may or may not feel about her, you don't have the balls to go against the wishes of her mammy.

the appropriate term is 'contempt'.

as for what to do about it, do nothing and just wait for her to dump you - it won't take long.

Latchy

OP should have got the first shot in and dunmped her soon as she decided she was going with these two blokes .Not as easy as it sounds no but rather that than her tellling him same ( after she has had a good time with two other guys ) on return and making mammy seem right in her decision