jokes, where do they come from? and have you...

bacon?

... ever come up with a joke... a good joke?

and if not, please feel free to come up with one now... even if it's 5hit.

i'll try and get one together before the end of the day

Porkpie

I think they probably come up with the punchline first, then work backwards at a suitable lead up to it, especially for shorter/pun-type jokes. I thought of one before, it's really corny and I promise I will get my coat:

Two planks of wood lying in a shed. One says to the other "I'm board".

Hagar

OMG a talking plank. :eek:

foxy06

Porkpie wrote: »

I think they probably come up with the punchline first, then work backwards at a suitable lead up to it, especially for shorter/pun-type jokes. I thought of one before, it's really corny and I promise I will get my coat:

Two planks of wood lying in a shed. One says to the other "I'm board".

Maybe they should go to a board meeting??

TanG411

two peanuts walking down the street.

One was a salted :pac:

/running out the door

bacon?

foxy06 wrote: »

Maybe they should go to a board meeting??

i saw that one coming

FruitLover

Here's one I made up (inspired by the electrician version):


How many disappointments does it take to change a lightbulb?








































Dunno.

Hagar

Bacon? and Porkpie... is this some kind of pork products shill?

buttersbrady

My friend had to stop eating wagon wheeles.

The spokes kept getting caught in his teeth!

bacon?

Hagar wrote: »

Bacon? and Porkpie... is this some kind of pork products shill?

i'm not affiliated with Porkpie

Hagar

No affilliations but what about leanings? Lean Bacon - geddit ?

I really should give up on the puns.

A Primal Nut

I've come up with a couple of current events ones such as:


Q. Why are police investigating the size of Saddam Hussein''s penis?

A. Witnesses to his execution say he was well hung!

I wasn't the only person to think of it!

I wonder who comes up with Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman, Paddy Irishman....etc jokes...

getz

a old man walks into the chemist shop and asks for 18 viagra tablets, then he asks for them to be cut into quarters, the chemist said i can do that for you sir ,but one quarter of a tablet will not give you a erection,the old man said,i am 93 i dont want a erection i just want it to stick out enough so i dont pee on my shoes

bacon?

Hagar wrote: »

No affilliations but what about leanings? Lean Bacon - geddit ?

I really should give up on the puns.

boom!

that does meat with my approval

Porkpie

bacon? wrote: »

i saw that one coming

You wood

Homer

Jebus.. wait till Dak finds out about this thread!

bacon?

Porkpie wrote: »

You wood

you nailed that one

Penn

One I made myself:

A man walks into a doctor's with a steering wheel down his trousers. The doctor says "I bet that's annoying". The man says "Of course it is, it's really painful! Are you a real doctor?".

The doctor then looks deflated that his attempt at humour failed, but helps the man. The man's health quickly turned a corner.

bacon?

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

One I made myself:

A man walks into a doctor's with a steering wheel down his trousers. The doctor says "I bet that's annoying". The man says "Of course it is, it's really painful! Are you a real doctor?".

The doctor then looks deflated that his attempt at humour failed, but helps the man. The man's health quickly turned a corner.

pretty good

Penn

haha, cheers. I used to write into a thing that used to be on Channel 4 Teletext, where you could write jokes or other things. Made up a good few for it but most of them were crap. I'll try find some others later

Porkpie

Another (kind of) joke I use is when people ask me have I been abroad. I reply "No, I've always been a guy".

Oh yeah, another joke I made up before is this:

I went to the take away the other night, asked for a chicken wrap. Next minute this huge chicken hops up on the counter, mic in one wing other wing flapping about, shouting "bok-bok-bok-bok-bok bokoooook!" (the more convincing a chicken rapper you do, the funnier it is).

Penn

While running a local prison, I gathered all the convicts together and put them at the end of a see-saw with a bunch of local professional footballers at the other end. If the convicts were heavier, they could go free. People said I was mad, but I figured the pros outweighed the cons.

Penn

This one was kinda dumb:

Someone stole 3 of my vowel fridge magnets! They left me with the A and E, then left me an IOU for the others.

Porkpie

Paddyirishman85, love the jokes, keep 'em comin!

bacon?

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

While running a local prison, I gathered all the convicts together and put them at the end of a see-saw with a bunch of local professional footballers at the other end. If the convicts were heavier, they could go free. People said I was mad, but I figured the pros outweighed the cons.

that's pretty good

Porkpie

What time of year are most Americans likely to injure themselves?

In the fall.

Penn

My mate Henry was trying to beat his record for eating James Bond DVDs when I snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Scared The Living Daylights out of him


Did you hear about when Sigmund Freud slipped on a banana skin? It was a Freudian Attractive Second Cousin On A Cold Day.


After coming into quite a sum of money and buying the Chelsea team, I decided to pay them to stand on a trampoline without jumping up and down. Luckily, I still have all my money as my Cech bounced.

Penn

Another kinda stupid one (as opposed to the other brilliant ones I've been posting )


Looking at my watch, I noticed that the minute hand keeps chasing the hour hand. Its so unfair. Its bigger and faster than the hour hand. The second hand just keeps saying "I'll be there in a minute!" but then just walks on by. But I'm not going to let this keep happening, Oh no... not on my watch.

Penn

I don't know how some people can read on the bus. All the bumpy roads, the book shaking all over the place, words jumping up and down before your eyes. Yet some people read books like The DaVinci Code, and Harry Potter on the bus. It's amazing.

I can't even get past Page 3 of The Sun without my head throbbing like mad.



I told my friend a joke about a pancake the other day, but it fell flat.



I'll stop now. Honestly.

Bonkers_xOx

I made this up when I was about 5 years old. I was so proud of it and thought it was the bee's knees.

What insects started a pop group?
The Beatles



As you can see I had sad and deprived childhood.

Hagar

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

I'll try find some others later

No, no, no. Don't go to any trouble on our account... :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

The ulnar nerve at the distal end of the humerus near the elbow is sometimes referred to in popular culture as 'the funny bone'. Striking this nerve can cause a tingling sensation ("funny" feeling), and sometimes a significant amount of pain.

The ulnar nerve is the largest unprotected nerve in the human body (meaning, unprotected by muscle or bone). This nerve is directly connected to the little finger, and the adjacent half of the ring finger, supplying the palmar side of these fingers.

You can get humour out of anyone.

Oliverdog

Here's one I made up.
Me "A length of 4 by 2 softwood please"
Assistant - "How long do you want it"
Me - "I want to keep it !"

I use it all the time in hardware shops. Oh how they laugh !

GiftofGab

Yeah I came up with this one.

Me: Do you like fishsticks????

Kanye West:well yes

Me: Ahh your a gay fish!!

Porkpie

Speaking of fish, this is one I came up with recently:

What do you call a tank full of homosexual fish?


An aqueerium

Porkpie

I recently came into some money. I was out of tissues.

eamonnf

Oliverdog wrote: »

Here's one I made up.
Me "A length of 4 by 2 softwood please"
Assistant - "How long do you want it"
Me - "I want to keep it !"

I use it all the time in hardware shops. Oh how they laugh !

I went into my local hardware shop and asked for some bolts for a gate. I think we went into the same shop as the guy asked "how long do you want them?". I answered "I was hoping to keep them for ever".

eamonnf

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

One I made myself:

A man walks into a doctor's with a steering wheel down his trousers. The doctor says "I bet that's annoying". The man says "Of course it is, it's really painful! Are you a real doctor?".

The doctor then looks deflated that his attempt at humour failed, but helps the man. The man's health quickly turned a corner.

Alternative punchline:

"A steering wheel down your trousers!" says the doctor. "Yes" replies the man, "its driving me nuts!"