Fed up

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 8:26am #1

Im fed up.

Living in another country with GF. GF has no job doesnt speak the language here.

She is pregnant 3 months, sits at home all day watching tv, sleeping, on internet.

I leave for work 7:30am and return 8pm every night. Some evenings I come home very fed up after a hard days work I just want to have dinner and relax. The last few weeks every evening I come home she asks why am I late, how come it took so long to come home etc.

I feel like exploding sometimes, she knows I have to work long hours, she knows it takes 1 hour to get home from work. She always asks me to phone when Im leaving work, phone when im on the train, phone when Im walking from the train home.

Yesterday morning, I told her I had a conf call with Argentina at 7pm and I would be home around 10pm. I arrived home at 10:15 to an interogation. Where were you, why did it take so long to get home, were you in the pub, you are drunk etc etc etc.

I was so fed up and not in the mood for explaining myself yet again. I just watched tv and basically ignored her until I couldnt take it no more. I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time and getting no support back from her. I told her not to talk to me and I went to bed.

The thing is, everytime something like this happens she threatens to leave and go back home. I understand she is fed up doing nothing all day and hormonal because of pregnancy but Im feeling like a volcano about to explode.

This morning she ignored me and I felt guilty. I will get the silent treatment for about 3 days now.

Advice please

thanks

omahaid · 09-07-2009 8:37am

So she's pregnant and stuck at home all day. God, that sounds like a horrible situation for the poor girl. And she doesn't speak the language either? And you told her she was a leech? Wow, you need a bit bunch of flowers for this one.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 8:40am

hold it,

I never said she was a leech.

I love her with all my heart.

Im fully aware its not easy for her right now. Im doing my best to make life good for her and our baby, Im working hard, saving money and doing my best.

It makes me sad to see her fed up and bored, Im tried to suggest ways for her to make friends or join clubs etc. Ive paid for language courses but she didnt go.

A bunch of flowers is not going to solve anything mate.

thanks

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 8:45am

You're both in a very stressful situation. You're trying to get on with your work and she's trying to adjust to being pregnant and alone every day in a strange country. Are there any language classes for non nationals nearby that your girlfriend could attend, so that she could at least meet other people and also get the basics of the language so that she'll feel more at ease shopping etc. Are there any clubs for english speaking people in the vicinity? What do you do at weekends? Can you explore where you're living together and try to have some fun together instead of the constant daily grind you seem to be in now.

omahaid · 09-07-2009 8:46am

Ah fair enough, when I read that you said "I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time", it seemed very harsh to tell any pregnant woman.

Does your GF have any human contact during the day other than you?

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 8:56am

sunflower27 wrote: »

She probably feels fed up as well so there is no motivation for her to get out there and improve the situ.

She is 3 months pregnant so probably still having morning sickness. In saying that, plenty of women work full-time jobs right through their pregnancy. She isnt an invalid.

I think you need to sit down and talk this through. Explain that it upsets you to see her like that. I really cant offer any more advice.

dDont beat yourself up. You have tried to help.... I think she should have accepted the offer of the lessons. WOuld give her nmore freedom and a chance to have her own social life.

Sorry cant offer any better advice.

It makes me very sad to see her lying on the sofa all day not wanting to do anything. We live 2 minutes walk from a swimming pool. I've suggested that it might be nice for her to go during the day once or twice a week, she agreed but didnt do anything. Its like she doesnt do anything unless Im with her.

I want her to have freedom, I want her to be happy. I hate to see her so dependent on me waiting for me to come home every day.

Sinall · 09-07-2009 8:59am

She is probably lonely and dying for you to get home so she has someone to talk to! Unfortunately this seems to be manifesting itself in getting you to check in an excessive amount of times with her - by phoning 3 times on your way home! She probably feels trapped in the house and perhaps envious that you get to go out to work. That said, snapping at you and interrogating you doesn't solve anything. I can see what triggers her to act the way she is, but don't think it's the right way to behave.

Threatening to leave every time will lose its effectiveness and shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool. Hopefully talking things through in a rational non-confrontational manner will help, you are both frustrated but in different ways.

I know you work very long hours, but perhaps getting out of the house and doing things together would help? Even if its just a walk in the evenings after you get home.

kmick · 09-07-2009 9:05am

sunflower27 wrote: »

She probably feels fed up as well so there is no motivation for her to get out there and improve the situ.
She is 3 months pregnant so probably still having morning sickness. In saying that, plenty of women work full-time jobs right through their pregnancy. She isnt an invalid.
I think you need to sit down and talk this through. Explain that it upsets you to see her like that. I really cant offer any more advice.
dDont beat yourself up. You have tried to help.... I think she should have accepted the offer of the lessons. WOuld give her nmore freedom and a chance to have her own social life.
Sorry cant offer any better advice.

Apologise, explain your frustrations then change your lifestyle. 10 years from now when she is living with someone else and you have not seen your child for 6 months but are sending the cheques like clockwork you will regret the day you put your job in front of your family.

prinz · 09-07-2009 9:14am

Unregistered wrote: »

Its like she doesnt do anything unless Im with her.

Presumably because you speak the language and she doesn't, no? Have you gone out with her? Maybe bring her to the pool, introduce yourselves and let the people in the local shops, pool etc, know that she doesn't speak the language? I know it's hard for you mate but have you really gone out of your way to help her integrate. I'm in a similar situation to your OH, in that my gf is abroad and while I don't live with her yet, I do spend a good bit of time there, with a very limited grasp of the language. What she did was the above, the first few times I was there, we went out together, to the local shops etc and got talking to people, she told them who I was, that I was trying to learn the language and since then it's been great. The people know me, when I'm there we get chatting as best we can etc. Perhaps instead of classes you could help her with the language and culture.

Sinall wrote: »

She is probably lonely and dying for you to get home so she has someone to talk to!

+1

Sounds like a bit of depression tbh. She's cooped up all day, with nothing to look forward to but the tv and the couch. She really needs your help now OP, not your scorn on her situation.

Nitxteha · 09-07-2009 9:16am

Be a bit more understanding with her. Women tend to ask a lot of questions, but it's no interrogation, it's just chatting.. (reassurance sometimes, too...)

She may be a bit depressed, because she may miss her family, she has no friends there, she does not speak the language, she's started to gain weight with the pregnancy...

Don't give the girl a hard time and take a few minutes before you get home to relax yourself and try to create a good, loving atmosphere at home. When she stop feeling your rejection she may cheer up and get more active.

Good luck

Moomoo1 · 09-07-2009 9:32am

it's very typical for foreigners who speak no language to do what she is doing (ie sit at home). I say, have some pity and give her a break.

puglover · 09-07-2009 9:41am

I haven't read all the other replies but here's my 2 cents.

You are both in difficult positions, she is probably just as fed up as you are.

I can't speak for your gf but it sounds to me that you are only seeing your own side of things here. You need to start understanding that she is also in a very difficult situation and it's not easy for her either. Do you think she enjoys being stuck at home everyday?

I don't know if this is a temporary thing or not or how you came to be in this situation. If it is temp just try your best to see each others pov and do what you can to get through it, if not you need to start communicating and come up with some solutions that will make life easier in the long-term.

IMHO ignoring your pregnant gf and telling her you are sick of supporting her is a bit disgusting.

puglover · 09-07-2009 9:52am

It is disgusting to talk to someone you love like that. It's also very immature and will not help the situation.

You don't know the ins and outs and are only getting one side of the story here.
In any case, that treatment is never acceptable.

It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, don't try and tell me I'm wrong.

prinz · 09-07-2009 9:57am

Not sure if I'd call it disgusting but definitely in bad form, and important to remember we're actually getting the OP's side of things, so God knows what he actually said to her.

Sinall · 09-07-2009 10:02am

The OP also said he will get the silent treatment for 3 days. I don't think that's a appropriate way to carry on either! Nobody is perfect, I am sure we have all said things in arguments that we are not proud of. We can't all maturely and calmly respond when things are being said in the heat of the moment - but we can try harder to do so next time!

It sounds like the OP is working hard to support his family. It's the circumstances that are causing them to be frustrated and angry with each other. What they need to do is try harder to pull together, rather than let the circumstances drive them apart. A little understanding as to what the other person is feeling goes a long way. As does communication.

prinz · 09-07-2009 10:06am

It's also possible that there is latent resentment building up here. Did the gf ever want to relocate to this foreign country to begin with. There's a lot of what ifs and maybes to this one. Not enough info really.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2009 10:07am

Sinall wrote: »

The OP also said he will get the silent treatment for 3 days. I don't think that's a appropriate way to carry on either! Nobody is perfect, I am sure we have all said things in arguments that we are not proud of. We can't all maturely and calmly respond when things are being said in the heat of the moment - but we can try harder to do so next time!

It sounds like the OP is working hard to support his family. It's the circumstances that are causing them to be frustrated and angry with each other. What they need to do is try harder to pull together, rather than let the circumstances drive them apart. A little understanding as to what the other person is feeling goes a long way. As does communication.

OP here, thank you. Good advice.

No thanks to the person who said I am disgusting.

I know Im not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I know Im wrong sometimes, alot of times but Im here asking for advice.

I love my GF, I love our 3 month old baby

The Recliner · 09-07-2009 10:17am

puglover wrote: »

It is disgusting to talk to someone you love like that. It's also very immature and will not help the situation.

You don't know the ins and outs and are only getting one side of the story here.
In any case, that treatment is never acceptable.

It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, don't try and tell me I'm wrong.

Yes you are entitled to your opinion however people are entitled to tell you that you are wrong, you never know you might be, happens to the best of us

calling the OP disgusting is a tad harsh so tone down the language please

and back on topic please people

Pimpey

puglover · 09-07-2009 10:51am

sunflower27 wrote: »

I dont think anyone is disgusting - MY OPINION! And I am entitled to mine.

Everyone in a relationshipo goes through patches of being p!ssed off with their partner at some time... especially when they feel like they are doing
all they can to help a person and getting no thanks, recognition for it. But if you have never been like that at any point then fair play to you - you must be one in a million.

I have said earlier I feel for the woman. Maybe it would be a good idea to read the threads through before posting. The OP has tried to get her to go to language lessons, etc. She wont budge, only criticise. She is guilty of being immature as well.

I didn't try to tell you you're opinion was wrong at all Sunflower27, you posted a response to mine saying no-one was being disgusting, you're opinion is not more relevant than mine.

Of course I've been pissed off with my oh at times. I just wouldn't let my behavious sink as low as that. I wouldn't treat ANYONE like that, let alone my bf, so afaic it is disgusting.

I like the etc. you added in there after the language lessons. There is no etc., that is the only thing he mentioned and you have no idea what her reasons are for not wanting to attend.

You don't know that she won't budge, and as for criticising , this whole thread was started to that the OP could come on and criticise her.

It's very common for these threads to turn into a "poor ole OP", try looking at things objectively instead of giving the OP more fodder for feeling sorry for himself.

His GF is in just as crappy a situation as he is. So if people stop with the taking sides and give him some practical advice they might be of some help.

D rog · 09-07-2009 10:52am

Ah God, the girl is preggers- cut her some slack.

As other posters suggested, in your limited time, I'd try to do some things togther. Get out for a coffee in the evenings, or a nice meal, a walk or swim together.
I know you're probably tired too, but those suggestions could help lift you both out of a rut which may get worse when baby arrives. Get your closeness back now, before things get more hormonal, more tiring, and more stressful in the first few months when your baby arrives.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 10:54am

puglover wrote: »

IMHO ignoring your pregnant gf and telling her you are sick of supporting her is a bit disgusting.

IMO giving your bf who is out working 10-12 hours a day to support you, while you sit on your hole watching tv or on the net, endless grief over nothing is disgusting. It's no wonder he blew up, who likes to be interrogated every evening after a hard days work or monitored like a child and told to phone home at multiple intervals during the day.

If she wasn't 3 months pregnant I would be advising you to leave and don't look back asap as if there's one thing I can't stand in a women it's finding reasons to nag over nothing. But as this is obviously quite a serious relationship you should sit her down and tell her she needs to cop on to herself big time.

puglover · 09-07-2009 10:55am

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thank you. Good advice.

No thanks to the person who said I am disgusting.

I know Im not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I know Im wrong sometimes, alot of times but Im here asking for advice.

I love my GF, I love our 3 month old baby

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

Sinall · 09-07-2009 10:57am

puglover wrote: »

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

My advice was in relation to the specific issue that he came on here about - and explaining that everyone is human and we can't all handle everything perfectly all the time!

I wasn't saying anyone was right or wrong (or calling people disgusting :rolleyes:) but saying that they are in a stressful situation and should try to communicate more and work together, rather than let their frustration drive them apart.

The Recliner · 09-07-2009 11:00am

puglover wrote: »

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

Last warning

stick to the topic and stop having a go at other posters

Pimpey

puglover · 09-07-2009 11:02am

Sinall wrote: »

My advice was in relation to the specific issue that he came on here about - and explaining that everyone is human and we can't all handle everything perfectly all the time!

I wasn't saying anyone was right or wrong (or calling people disgusting :rolleyes:) but saying that they are in a stressful situation and should try to communicate more and work together, rather than let their frustration drive them apart.

I didn't say the OP was disgusting, I said the act was disgusting, and I also said that it was imho. My opinion which I am not trying to force as being the only correct one, unlike other posters seem to think about their own.

Also this wasn't directed at you at all, and the quote you included isn't relevant..

Sinall · 09-07-2009 11:08am

puglover wrote: »

I didn't say the OP was disgusting, I said the act was disgusting, and I also said that it was imho. My opinion which I am not trying to force as being the only correct one, unlike other posters seem to think about their own.

Also this wasn't directed at you at all, and the quote you included isn't relevant..

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. When I was referring to my own specific advice I was trying to make the point that your own advice (in my opinion) wasn't particularly constructive or helpful. I agree that I didn't communicate this properly!

Anyway, this seems to be degenerating a bit, rather than assisting the OP with his problem.

puglover · 09-07-2009 11:12am

Sinall wrote: »

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. When I was referring to my own specific advice I was trying to make the point that your own advice (in my opinion) wasn't particularly constructive or helpful. I agree that I didn't communicate this properly!

Anyway, this seems to be degenerating a bit, rather than assisting the OP with his problem.

IMO trying to make the OP look at the other side of the coin and realise that his OH has just as much reason for being stressed, and maybe stop blaming her is alot more useful than saying " poor old you being stuck with such a horrible lazy gf". He needs to realise the situation is what is causing the problem and not his GF.

Terodil · 09-07-2009 11:13am

TBH I think you need to revise your life choices, OP.

There are so many men out there that act exactly like you do: argue that they are bringing the money home, that they only want the best for their family, that they want the family to be able to live a life in comfort, etc. etc.

Rubbish.

At the end of your life, you'll notice that beyond a certain minimum level (duh, you don't want to starve), more money != more happiness. And those long hours you do are definitely not required for 'comfortable living'.

OP, you only live once. You say you love your family, your kid... don't you want to be there for them?

Your wife is letting herself go, surely, but what is really happening is that she feels (and probably is, by your description), horribly neglected. It's a vicious circle she's stuck in, and you're probably in it too. The thought of maybe choosing a simpler, less demanding job hasn't even crossed your mind... why? because you don't want to come home earlier?

Agreed I'm speculating with the last hypothesis but, OP, when I read your post, all alarm bells in my head were tolling like mad.

Remember that being together with loved ones, even if not in luxurious conditions >>> not being together with loved ones but living in luxury. (for me anyway)

Sinall · 09-07-2009 11:14am

puglover wrote: »

IMO trying to make the OP look at the other side of the coin and realise that his OH has just as much reason for being stressed, and maybe stop blaming her is alot more useful than saying " poor old you being stuck with such a horrible lazy gf". He needs to realise the situation is what is causing the problem and not his GF.

I agree. And myself and other posters have stated that too.

prinz · 09-07-2009 11:16am

I have to agree with the previous two. I really got the impression from the OP that he was busy doing his own thing, and the his gf should fend for herself.

Terodil · 09-07-2009 11:20am

Just as an added thought:

You can't cuddle money.

the_syco · 09-07-2009 11:22am

Unregistered wrote: »

I leave for work 7:30am and return 8pm every night. Some evenings I come home very fed up after a hard days work I just want to have dinner and relax.

I know exactly what you mean

But I find some exercise can help unwind. And bringing her around the neighbourhood will also allow her to see the neighbourhood, where shops are, etc. She may not want to do this during the day, as she feels vulnerable as she's carrying the child.

Unregistered wrote: »

I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time and getting no support back from her.

As much as she should morally support you as you support her, coming home and watching TV is not morally supporting her. It sounds like she is going slowly insane, and is counting down the time to when you come home. Sadly, the interrogation sounds like the only conversation that she can get out of you. Sit down, and have a chat, maybe? Or as I said above, go for a walk.

Unregistered wrote: »

The thing is, everytime something like this happens she threatens to leave and go back home.

This is emotional blackmail, and the response that she gets from it may not be the one she wants. It also sounds failry immature.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 11:27am

prinz wrote: »

I have to agree with the previous two. I really got the impression from the OP that he was busy doing his own thing, and the his gf should fend for herself.

I don't know what your on about. The impression I got from the post is that he's working long hard days to support himself and his gf and all the thanks he gets for it is getting nagged constantly. What has he done wrong other than to tell her he is sick of getting grief over nothing when he is out there working hard to support them. He never said anything about wanting to do his own thing and letting the gf fend for herself, I dont know how you came up with that, he simply said he's fed up being nagged and interrogated.

To the other poster who said, get a less demanding job, you do know we are in a worldwide recession and not many people have the luxury of just up and getting another job at the drop of the hat. Alot of people have to work long hard days in the current climate just to make ends meet, it's not a matter of being a workaholic.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 11:31am

Terodil wrote: »

Just as an added thought:

You can't cuddle money.

He doesn't want to cuddle money, he just doesn't want to get nagged over absolutely nothing.

Jesus, if you are nagging someone who comes home 15 minutes late after being out working all day to support you, you are in the wrong, no two ways about it. He comes in after a hard day, wants to relax, and instead gets the head ate off him for being 15 mintues late, like wtf...you think there is nothing wrong with that?

prinz · 09-07-2009 11:35am

gimme5minutes wrote: »

I don't know what your on about. The impression I got from the post is that he's working long hard days to support himself and his gf and all the thanks he gets for it is getting nagged constantly.

Yes but what has he done to help her? To integrate her into her new life? Has he really made an effort there? Sorry but telling her there's a pool down the road doesn't cut it IMO. From what I can see he's so focused on the job, and fair play to him for doing that I respect he's trying to make a good life for them and all that, but his relationship and his OH are suffering because of it. Like others have said, it's all well and good saying I work 18 hours a day to provide for you... but at what cost?

She's not nagging ffs, that's the only human interaction she gets all day! And even at that all we have is the OP's side of things, I'm guessing he comes in tired and frustrated from working all day, she's bored and frustrated from doing nothing all day and they spark off each other.

Terodil · 09-07-2009 11:36am

gimme5minutes wrote: »

He doesn't want to cuddle money, he just doesn't want to get nagged over absolutely nothing.

Hehe, thanks for proving my point.

It's not about him! Well of course it is, but this point isn't.

She wants HIM, she wants the man she loves, the man she left her home country, her family, her friends for, she wants the man she's going to have a baby with!

She doesn't want the money to go to language classes or swimming.

She sees him a few minutes every day. I'd definitely go mental in her situation.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 11:52am

prinz wrote: »

Yes but what has he done to help her? To integrate her into her new life? Has he really made an effort there? Sorry but telling her there's a pool down the road doesn't cut it IMO. From what I can see he's so focused on the job, and fair play to him for doing that I respect he's trying to make a good life for them and all that, but his relationship and his OH are suffering because of it. Like others have said, it's all well and good saying I work 18 hours a day to provide for you... but at what cost?

Terodil wrote: »

Hehe, thanks for proving my point.

It's not about him! Well of course it is, but this point isn't.

She wants HIM, she wants the man she loves, the man she left her home country, her family, her friends for, she wants the man she's going to have a baby with!

She doesn't want the money to go to language classes or swimming.

She sees him a few minutes every day. I'd definitely go mental in her situation.

Eh, backup a second where did the op say he doesn't spend anytime with her? Show me where he says that... From what I can see he goes to work and comes home in the evening, like a normal human being, and just wants to relax and not get nagged and interrogated. How does that equal not wanting to spend time with his gf? How did you consture that?

I imagine he has no problem spending time with his gf, it's just he doesn't want that time to consist of getting nagged over nothing, and that's fair enough. He's goes to work, comes home in the evenings, and then gets nagged over nothing. How come it couldn't be like this - goes to work, comes home in the evenings, and then has a relaxing evening chilling out with his gf. That's what he and every other person in a relationship wants, to come home and spend some quality time with their oh, not spend it rowing.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 11:55am

prinz wrote: »

Yes but what has he done to help her? To integrate her into her new life? Has he really made an effort there? Sorry but telling her there's a pool down the road doesn't cut it IMO.

"It makes me sad to see her fed up and bored, Im tried to suggest ways for her to make friends or join clubs etc. Ive paid for language courses but she didnt go."

What else can he do, he can't physically drag her out of the house and force her to interact with people. If someone isn't bothered keeping themselves occupied what can you do. She has a responsibility for her own happiness too, it's not automatically his fault if she's not bothered finding stuff to do or some friends.

herya · 09-07-2009 11:58am

OP also take into account that your GF is pregnant and may have those very natural fears of birth problems, health risk for her and the baby, then living with the baby afterwards, bringing up the baby etc.

It is difficult enough in your home country and being out there she has no family or friends to advise and support her in this all. I'm sure these fears might be strong enough to take their toll on her behaviour, it is very very difficult to be a pregnant foreigner among strangers. She must feel the pregnancy symptoms strongly now she's through with her 1st trimester and being alone must be very upsetting, she might be playing all kinds of terrible scenarios lying there on the sofa all day. Is her medical care sorted? Does she know what to do in case of emergency?

I understand that she speaks English but not the local language - are there any expat groups or clubs she might join to talk to other Irish/English women? They would probably be delighted to chat to her about pregnancy and babies and she would love a friendly face.

As much as she must love you, a hardworking husband is not enough company for her right now. She might be missing her family terribly as they are usually the ones you turn to for support when pregnant.

prinz · 09-07-2009 12:00pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I just want to have dinner and relax....

I was so fed up and not in the mood for explaining myself yet again. I just watched tv and basically ignored her until I couldnt take it no more. I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time and getting no support back from her. I told her not to talk to me and I went to bed.

This morning she ignored me and I felt guilty. I will get the silent treatment for about 3 days now.

Wow YOU'll get the silent treatment? Tough. What did you give her to start it all off?

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Eh, backup a second where did the op say he doesn't spend anytime with her?

It's not about spending time with her. Maybe actually give her a hand out.. does he do anything besides; there's a class, there's a pool.... perhaps she needs some intellectual stimulation, and conversation and not have him just return home and zone out in front of the tv. She's not nagging why can't you understand that, HE is her only social outlet at the moment, of course she wants to talk to him on the phone, of course she feels abandoned if she thinks he goes to the pub or whatever when he knows she's at home waiting for him. She's a grown woman who needs some more stimulation than TV...

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 12:03pm

Terodil wrote: »

She wants HIM, she wants the man she loves, the man she left her home country, her family, her friends for, she wants the man she's going to have a baby with!

She doesn't want the money to go to language classes or swimming.

She sees him a few minutes every day. I'd definitely go mental in her situation.

She sees him for several hours every day not a few minutes.

And he says "I leave for work 7:30am and return 8pm every night." I know a guy in a very similar situation who is working long hours and has pregnant gf who is due in 2 months. He has to leave at 6 in the morning as it is a two hour drive for him to get to work, and he doesn't get home til 7 in the evening. There is no option of just packing in the job with a mortgage and baby on the way. The last thing he wants is to be commuting 4 hours a day but that's just the way it is in the currentl climate, lots of people are in this situation at the moment.

The thing is they have a great relationship, he comes in in the evening and relaxes with his gf, and she doesn't nag him over nothing. Because she's dead sound and wouldn't be bothered engaging in petty shoite like that.

prinz · 09-07-2009 12:08pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

He's told her about courses/groups. What else can he do? Force her to go? He is working... if he wasnt would she complain he is not providing for her? Who know? It'd be different if he was just off down the pub, but work is important and perhaps he has to do those hours. God knows eveyone is worried about keeping their jobs at the moment.The woman is not an invalid. Yes she may be upset, lonely, but she is capable of changing her situation as well. It isnt solely up to the OP to make her happy. She has to be prepared to do something for herself here..

I have no problems with his hours or anything, but he has to be understanding of where she's coming from and IMO he isn't. He writes her frustration off as nagging and ignores/tells her to be quiet. Which of course only makes her feel more upset and more isolated. If you see my first post on this, there are a couple of very easy steps he could take which don't use up a lot of time or anything to help her. Personally as a fairly outgoing and adventurous chappy I found it difficult when I was going to my OH in the beginning, tbh I acted much the same as this guy's OH, tv, computer, no motivation to leave the apartment, waited all day for my gf to return etc. It's a cycle you get in my OH saw the effect it was having on me and did a few simple things to change it. Now I have my own friends in her city.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I understand she is in a tough situ, but like many people that have moved abroad (and many on their own) you need to expect that it will be tough but also be prepared to help yourself.

From reading between the lines I don't think it was her decision to go there in the first place tbh.

gimme5minutes · 09-07-2009 12:13pm

prinz wrote: »

Wow YOU'll get the silent treatment? Tough. What did you give her to start it all off?

He told her he didn't want to listen to her pointless nagging over nothing again and to not talk to him for the evening. You think that is wrong that he gave out to her like that after she was started nagging him over a non-issue, yet you see no problem with her constantly giving out to him presumably for weeks/months on end?

It's not about spending time with her. Maybe actually give her a hand out.. does he do anything besides; there's a class, there's a pool.... perhaps she needs some intellectual stimulation, and conversation and not have him just return home and zone out in front of the tv. She's not nagging why can't you understand that, HE is her only social outlet at the moment, of course she wants to talk to him on the phone, of course she feels abandoned if she thinks he goes to the pub or whatever when he knows she's at home waiting for him. She's a grown woman who needs some more stimulation than TV...

Help out like what, what more can he do than suggest things for her to do or groups to join? As I said he can't physically force her to do anything, and anyway she's a grown women it's up to herself to get her life in order.

And he never said he didn't want to have anything to do with her as you are making out. He just wants a normal healthy relationship where he can home in the evening and relax with his gf. They can have as much conversation as they like then. The problem is the minute he comes in he gets the head eaten off him over nothing.

She said she wants him to phone when he leaves work, phone when he's on the train home, and phone when he's walking home from the train. Do you not think this behaviour is unacceptable from her? Do you think this is normal behaviour? This is pure pointless nagging, demanding you bf call you three times on his way home from work. No wonder he's fed up.

prinz · 09-07-2009 12:19pm

gimme5minutes wrote: »

"It makes me sad to see her fed up and bored, Im tried to suggest ways for her to make friends or join clubs etc. Ive paid for language courses but she didnt go."
What else can he do, he can't physically drag her out of the house and force her to interact with people.

Perhaps go with her the first time? Think of it thise way did you go to school for the first time on your own. She's in a foreign country, strage language, knows nobody...

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Because she's dead sound and wouldn't be bothered engaging in petty shoite like that.

Throw into a foreign language, culture, country and environment and see how long that status quo lasts. Apples and oranges tbh.

prinz · 09-07-2009 12:26pm

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Do you think this is normal behaviour? This is pure pointless nagging, demanding you bf call you three times on his way home from work. No wonder he's fed up.

I never said it was normal or acceptable. I said it was undertandable given the situation.

you see no problem with her constantly giving out to him presumably for weeks/months on end?

No indication that it's being going on for weeks or months tbh

Terodil · 09-07-2009 3:46pm

I guess the pro-OH-statements here are a bit stronger because honestly, the OP is so stuck in his rejection of understanding, that he needs some good shaking and waking up. Due to the emotional and physical strain of the last weeks/months he's lost his empathy for his OH and is firmly stuck like a broken record, hearing nothing but an unwholesome screech, without realising that it's not the screech that needs fixing but the record itself.

I agreed all along that the OH should do more for herself. She doesn't even have to leave the house, initially, to learn the language -- there are CD/PC courses for almost all languages. That said, finding connections initially is bloody damn hard given all the circumstances that be. And you cannot help that with paying for language courses or tickets to the pool.

Ideas:
* introduce her to his friends, go out of his way to have parties with many different people so she can try establishing her own network
* use the time to actually learn the language with her, maybe even turn it into a fun game... ( :P )
* pick up a new hobby with her that she might find interesting to pursue while she's at home waiting for him to come home...

... but yeah, every single one of these actually means getting your bottom off that comfortable tv couch...

Oh The Humanity · 09-07-2009 3:57pm

Hi OP.

I might get slated for this but I feel sorry for you. Yes your girlfriend is pregnant and doesn't speak the language but honestly God helps those who help themselves.

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and in this case you are supporting her and working a long tough day.

She needs to get off her ass and get out and about and take some language classes.

I think she sounds kinda petulant as if everything is your fault. She wont go anywhere without you. She is making every aspect of her life your responsibility like a baby. Then she is threatening to go home and ignoring you for three days.

I would have snapped too. Im sorry I know she is pregnant but there is nothing worse than someone who is choosing to be overly dependant and smothering you with all the responsibility like a child.

If she feels bad now, she is going to feel 10 times worse when the baby comes and she has not bothered to make any friends or leave the house.

Dont keep spoonfeeding her. Be sensitive yes, but dont let her push your buttons with guilt manipulation.

She is a big girl and has to get off her ass and start acting it. She is going to be a mother soon and this sort of babyish behaviour is not going to fly.

Icdb · 09-07-2009 8:01pm

hi...

your G/f sounds like she's thai.. I know it may be a generalisation.. but this is how they act out of their own country and have no other people from home to talk with.. and they can be insanely jealous.. requiring calling 10 to 20 times a day.. nagging if you're even 5 mins late...

have a look around see if you can find a local Thai or if she's not a club or group from her own country...

Regarding the nagging.. tell her you are the boss.. you are the bread winner.. you bring home the bacon and you wear the trousers...

have you considered sending her back home till the baby is born.. she would be with her family and you would have some peace and quiet to get organised and build a home for your family... and you would have a good excuse for a holiday every now and again...

Skapoot · 09-07-2009 8:08pm

Icdb wrote: »

hi...

your G/f sounds like she's thai.. I know it may be a generalisation.. but this is how they act out of their own country and have no other people from home to talk with.. and they can be insanely jealous.. requiring calling 10 to 20 times a day.. nagging if you're even 5 mins late...

have a look around see if you can find a local Thai or if she's not a club or group from her own country...

Regarding the nagging.. tell her you are the boss.. you are the bread winner.. you bring home the bacon and you wear the trousers...

have you considered sending her back home till the baby is born.. she would be with her family and you would have some peace and quiet to get organised and build a home for your family... and you would have a good excuse for a holiday every now and again...

LOL. Racism and Mysogyny!! I dont think its going to help her temper to send her out of his sight until the baby comes.

And..He brings home the bacon-He is boss? Lmao. Is this the 40's like. How about - she's carrying his child and going to extreme physical stress in order to do so - A.K.A "bringing home the baby"- so SHE is the boss? Im sure he'd love to hear that from her.

LegacyUser · 10-07-2009 8:06am

OP here,

thanks to all for the advice.

Some people genuinely giving good advice and other people telling me I need a good shake and to cop on to myself. I'll take all the advice and critisism on board.

OH is not thai, she is brazilian.

And I didnt force her to join me here in this country. She insisted that she join me here.

By the way,

- I went with her to the language course the first morning. I offered to bring her their every other morning after.
- I went to the swimming pool with her twice but she wont go again on her own, no problem, I am going to make time to go with her.
- We are not living here long so we dont have many friends, however I was proactive in finding two "brazilian' restaurants where we go once per week. Here we have started to make friends with other brazilian couples. The wives of these have contacted her many times but she doesnt make much effort to meet them

I think she is going through a bit of a depression and I am going to do everything to help her. We talked about this last night and she agreed she is not feeling good.

We have a hosptial appointment this afternoon, afterwards I am going to bring her shopping, then to a nice restaurant and I have booked a few sessions of massages for her over the next few weeks.

I also spoke to my boss about shifting some of my workload to other collegues. I told him in six months when the baby is born I want to be at home to help more, he agreed.

To those who slated me, thanks, I probably did need to hear some of that.

Im not a bad guy, just normal who got a bit lost in my own mind for a while.

thanks !

prinz · 10-07-2009 8:19am

Well best of luck man. Hospital/GP sounds like a plan, because like I said before sounds like depression tbh. I know if I had come from Brazil to here I'd be fairly depressed too

You're treating her well fair play. Only thing is if she is in a depression then it's not 100% her fault so attacking her will only make things worse, try not to lose your cool even if she is annoying you.Obrigado!

Fed up

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