Fed up

LegacyUser

Im fed up.

Living in another country with GF. GF has no job doesnt speak the language here.

She is pregnant 3 months, sits at home all day watching tv, sleeping, on internet.

I leave for work 7:30am and return 8pm every night. Some evenings I come home very fed up after a hard days work I just want to have dinner and relax. The last few weeks every evening I come home she asks why am I late, how come it took so long to come home etc.

I feel like exploding sometimes, she knows I have to work long hours, she knows it takes 1 hour to get home from work. She always asks me to phone when Im leaving work, phone when im on the train, phone when Im walking from the train home.

Yesterday morning, I told her I had a conf call with Argentina at 7pm and I would be home around 10pm. I arrived home at 10:15 to an interogation. Where were you, why did it take so long to get home, were you in the pub, you are drunk etc etc etc.

I was so fed up and not in the mood for explaining myself yet again. I just watched tv and basically ignored her until I couldnt take it no more. I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time and getting no support back from her. I told her not to talk to me and I went to bed.

The thing is, everytime something like this happens she threatens to leave and go back home. I understand she is fed up doing nothing all day and hormonal because of pregnancy but Im feeling like a volcano about to explode.

This morning she ignored me and I felt guilty. I will get the silent treatment for about 3 days now.

Advice please

thanks

omahaid

So she's pregnant and stuck at home all day. God, that sounds like a horrible situation for the poor girl. And she doesn't speak the language either? And you told her she was a leech? Wow, you need a bit bunch of flowers for this one.

LegacyUser

hold it,

I never said she was a leech.

I love her with all my heart.

Im fully aware its not easy for her right now. Im doing my best to make life good for her and our baby, Im working hard, saving money and doing my best.

It makes me sad to see her fed up and bored, Im tried to suggest ways for her to make friends or join clubs etc. Ive paid for language courses but she didnt go.

A bunch of flowers is not going to solve anything mate.

thanks

LegacyUser

You're both in a very stressful situation. You're trying to get on with your work and she's trying to adjust to being pregnant and alone every day in a strange country. Are there any language classes for non nationals nearby that your girlfriend could attend, so that she could at least meet other people and also get the basics of the language so that she'll feel more at ease shopping etc. Are there any clubs for english speaking people in the vicinity? What do you do at weekends? Can you explore where you're living together and try to have some fun together instead of the constant daily grind you seem to be in now.

omahaid

Ah fair enough, when I read that you said "I told her I was fed up with supporting her all the time", it seemed very harsh to tell any pregnant woman.

Does your GF have any human contact during the day other than you?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

She probably feels fed up as well so there is no motivation for her to get out there and improve the situ.

She is 3 months pregnant so probably still having morning sickness. In saying that, plenty of women work full-time jobs right through their pregnancy. She isnt an invalid.

I think you need to sit down and talk this through. Explain that it upsets you to see her like that. I really cant offer any more advice.

dDont beat yourself up. You have tried to help.... I think she should have accepted the offer of the lessons. WOuld give her nmore freedom and a chance to have her own social life.

Sorry cant offer any better advice.

It makes me very sad to see her lying on the sofa all day not wanting to do anything. We live 2 minutes walk from a swimming pool. I've suggested that it might be nice for her to go during the day once or twice a week, she agreed but didnt do anything. Its like she doesnt do anything unless Im with her.

I want her to have freedom, I want her to be happy. I hate to see her so dependent on me waiting for me to come home every day.

Sinall

She is probably lonely and dying for you to get home so she has someone to talk to! Unfortunately this seems to be manifesting itself in getting you to check in an excessive amount of times with her - by phoning 3 times on your way home! She probably feels trapped in the house and perhaps envious that you get to go out to work. That said, snapping at you and interrogating you doesn't solve anything. I can see what triggers her to act the way she is, but don't think it's the right way to behave.

Threatening to leave every time will lose its effectiveness and shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool. Hopefully talking things through in a rational non-confrontational manner will help, you are both frustrated but in different ways.

I know you work very long hours, but perhaps getting out of the house and doing things together would help? Even if its just a walk in the evenings after you get home.

kmick

sunflower27 wrote: »

She probably feels fed up as well so there is no motivation for her to get out there and improve the situ.
She is 3 months pregnant so probably still having morning sickness. In saying that, plenty of women work full-time jobs right through their pregnancy. She isnt an invalid.
I think you need to sit down and talk this through. Explain that it upsets you to see her like that. I really cant offer any more advice.
dDont beat yourself up. You have tried to help.... I think she should have accepted the offer of the lessons. WOuld give her nmore freedom and a chance to have her own social life.
Sorry cant offer any better advice.

Apologise, explain your frustrations then change your lifestyle. 10 years from now when she is living with someone else and you have not seen your child for 6 months but are sending the cheques like clockwork you will regret the day you put your job in front of your family.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Its like she doesnt do anything unless Im with her.

Presumably because you speak the language and she doesn't, no? Have you gone out with her? Maybe bring her to the pool, introduce yourselves and let the people in the local shops, pool etc, know that she doesn't speak the language? I know it's hard for you mate but have you really gone out of your way to help her integrate. I'm in a similar situation to your OH, in that my gf is abroad and while I don't live with her yet, I do spend a good bit of time there, with a very limited grasp of the language. What she did was the above, the first few times I was there, we went out together, to the local shops etc and got talking to people, she told them who I was, that I was trying to learn the language and since then it's been great. The people know me, when I'm there we get chatting as best we can etc. Perhaps instead of classes you could help her with the language and culture.

Sinall wrote: »

She is probably lonely and dying for you to get home so she has someone to talk to!

+1

Sounds like a bit of depression tbh. She's cooped up all day, with nothing to look forward to but the tv and the couch. She really needs your help now OP, not your scorn on her situation.

Nitxteha

Be a bit more understanding with her. Women tend to ask a lot of questions, but it's no interrogation, it's just chatting.. (reassurance sometimes, too...)

She may be a bit depressed, because she may miss her family, she has no friends there, she does not speak the language, she's started to gain weight with the pregnancy...

Don't give the girl a hard time and take a few minutes before you get home to relax yourself and try to create a good, loving atmosphere at home. When she stop feeling your rejection she may cheer up and get more active.

Good luck

Moomoo1

it's very typical for foreigners who speak no language to do what she is doing (ie sit at home). I say, have some pity and give her a break.

puglover

I haven't read all the other replies but here's my 2 cents.

You are both in difficult positions, she is probably just as fed up as you are.

I can't speak for your gf but it sounds to me that you are only seeing your own side of things here. You need to start understanding that she is also in a very difficult situation and it's not easy for her either. Do you think she enjoys being stuck at home everyday?

I don't know if this is a temporary thing or not or how you came to be in this situation. If it is temp just try your best to see each others pov and do what you can to get through it, if not you need to start communicating and come up with some solutions that will make life easier in the long-term.

IMHO ignoring your pregnant gf and telling her you are sick of supporting her is a bit disgusting.

puglover

It is disgusting to talk to someone you love like that. It's also very immature and will not help the situation.

You don't know the ins and outs and are only getting one side of the story here.
In any case, that treatment is never acceptable.

It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, don't try and tell me I'm wrong.

prinz

Not sure if I'd call it disgusting but definitely in bad form, and important to remember we're actually getting the OP's side of things, so God knows what he actually said to her.

Sinall

The OP also said he will get the silent treatment for 3 days. I don't think that's a appropriate way to carry on either! Nobody is perfect, I am sure we have all said things in arguments that we are not proud of. We can't all maturely and calmly respond when things are being said in the heat of the moment - but we can try harder to do so next time!

It sounds like the OP is working hard to support his family. It's the circumstances that are causing them to be frustrated and angry with each other. What they need to do is try harder to pull together, rather than let the circumstances drive them apart. A little understanding as to what the other person is feeling goes a long way. As does communication.

prinz

It's also possible that there is latent resentment building up here. Did the gf ever want to relocate to this foreign country to begin with. There's a lot of what ifs and maybes to this one. Not enough info really.

LegacyUser

Sinall wrote: »

The OP also said he will get the silent treatment for 3 days. I don't think that's a appropriate way to carry on either! Nobody is perfect, I am sure we have all said things in arguments that we are not proud of. We can't all maturely and calmly respond when things are being said in the heat of the moment - but we can try harder to do so next time!

It sounds like the OP is working hard to support his family. It's the circumstances that are causing them to be frustrated and angry with each other. What they need to do is try harder to pull together, rather than let the circumstances drive them apart. A little understanding as to what the other person is feeling goes a long way. As does communication.

OP here, thank you. Good advice.

No thanks to the person who said I am disgusting.

I know Im not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I know Im wrong sometimes, alot of times but Im here asking for advice.

I love my GF, I love our 3 month old baby

The Recliner

puglover wrote: »

It is disgusting to talk to someone you love like that. It's also very immature and will not help the situation.

You don't know the ins and outs and are only getting one side of the story here.
In any case, that treatment is never acceptable.

It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it, don't try and tell me I'm wrong.

Yes you are entitled to your opinion however people are entitled to tell you that you are wrong, you never know you might be, happens to the best of us

calling the OP disgusting is a tad harsh so tone down the language please

and back on topic please people

Pimpey

puglover

sunflower27 wrote: »

I dont think anyone is disgusting - MY OPINION! And I am entitled to mine.

Everyone in a relationshipo goes through patches of being p!ssed off with their partner at some time... especially when they feel like they are doing
all they can to help a person and getting no thanks, recognition for it. But if you have never been like that at any point then fair play to you - you must be one in a million.

I have said earlier I feel for the woman. Maybe it would be a good idea to read the threads through before posting. The OP has tried to get her to go to language lessons, etc. She wont budge, only criticise. She is guilty of being immature as well.

I didn't try to tell you you're opinion was wrong at all Sunflower27, you posted a response to mine saying no-one was being disgusting, you're opinion is not more relevant than mine.

Of course I've been pissed off with my oh at times. I just wouldn't let my behavious sink as low as that. I wouldn't treat ANYONE like that, let alone my bf, so afaic it is disgusting.

I like the etc. you added in there after the language lessons. There is no etc., that is the only thing he mentioned and you have no idea what her reasons are for not wanting to attend.

You don't know that she won't budge, and as for criticising , this whole thread was started to that the OP could come on and criticise her.

It's very common for these threads to turn into a "poor ole OP", try looking at things objectively instead of giving the OP more fodder for feeling sorry for himself.

His GF is in just as crappy a situation as he is. So if people stop with the taking sides and give him some practical advice they might be of some help.

D rog

Ah God, the girl is preggers- cut her some slack.

As other posters suggested, in your limited time, I'd try to do some things togther. Get out for a coffee in the evenings, or a nice meal, a walk or swim together.
I know you're probably tired too, but those suggestions could help lift you both out of a rut which may get worse when baby arrives. Get your closeness back now, before things get more hormonal, more tiring, and more stressful in the first few months when your baby arrives.

gimme5minutes

puglover wrote: »

IMHO ignoring your pregnant gf and telling her you are sick of supporting her is a bit disgusting.

IMO giving your bf who is out working 10-12 hours a day to support you, while you sit on your hole watching tv or on the net, endless grief over nothing is disgusting. It's no wonder he blew up, who likes to be interrogated every evening after a hard days work or monitored like a child and told to phone home at multiple intervals during the day.

If she wasn't 3 months pregnant I would be advising you to leave and don't look back asap as if there's one thing I can't stand in a women it's finding reasons to nag over nothing. But as this is obviously quite a serious relationship you should sit her down and tell her she needs to cop on to herself big time.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thank you. Good advice.

No thanks to the person who said I am disgusting.

I know Im not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I know Im wrong sometimes, alot of times but Im here asking for advice.

I love my GF, I love our 3 month old baby

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

Sinall

puglover wrote: »

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

My advice was in relation to the specific issue that he came on here about - and explaining that everyone is human and we can't all handle everything perfectly all the time!

I wasn't saying anyone was right or wrong (or calling people disgusting :rolleyes:) but saying that they are in a stressful situation and should try to communicate more and work together, rather than let their frustration drive them apart.

The Recliner

puglover wrote: »

Sounds to me that you only like the advice that tells you what you want to hear.

Last warning

stick to the topic and stop having a go at other posters

Pimpey

puglover

Sinall wrote: »

My advice was in relation to the specific issue that he came on here about - and explaining that everyone is human and we can't all handle everything perfectly all the time!

I wasn't saying anyone was right or wrong (or calling people disgusting :rolleyes:) but saying that they are in a stressful situation and should try to communicate more and work together, rather than let their frustration drive them apart.

I didn't say the OP was disgusting, I said the act was disgusting, and I also said that it was imho. My opinion which I am not trying to force as being the only correct one, unlike other posters seem to think about their own.

Also this wasn't directed at you at all, and the quote you included isn't relevant..

Sinall

puglover wrote: »

I didn't say the OP was disgusting, I said the act was disgusting, and I also said that it was imho. My opinion which I am not trying to force as being the only correct one, unlike other posters seem to think about their own.

Also this wasn't directed at you at all, and the quote you included isn't relevant..

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. When I was referring to my own specific advice I was trying to make the point that your own advice (in my opinion) wasn't particularly constructive or helpful. I agree that I didn't communicate this properly!

Anyway, this seems to be degenerating a bit, rather than assisting the OP with his problem.

puglover

Sinall wrote: »

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. When I was referring to my own specific advice I was trying to make the point that your own advice (in my opinion) wasn't particularly constructive or helpful. I agree that I didn't communicate this properly!

Anyway, this seems to be degenerating a bit, rather than assisting the OP with his problem.

IMO trying to make the OP look at the other side of the coin and realise that his OH has just as much reason for being stressed, and maybe stop blaming her is alot more useful than saying " poor old you being stuck with such a horrible lazy gf". He needs to realise the situation is what is causing the problem and not his GF.

Terodil

TBH I think you need to revise your life choices, OP.

There are so many men out there that act exactly like you do: argue that they are bringing the money home, that they only want the best for their family, that they want the family to be able to live a life in comfort, etc. etc.

Rubbish.

At the end of your life, you'll notice that beyond a certain minimum level (duh, you don't want to starve), more money != more happiness. And those long hours you do are definitely not required for 'comfortable living'.

OP, you only live once. You say you love your family, your kid... don't you want to be there for them?

Your wife is letting herself go, surely, but what is really happening is that she feels (and probably is, by your description), horribly neglected. It's a vicious circle she's stuck in, and you're probably in it too. The thought of maybe choosing a simpler, less demanding job hasn't even crossed your mind... why? because you don't want to come home earlier?

Agreed I'm speculating with the last hypothesis but, OP, when I read your post, all alarm bells in my head were tolling like mad.

Remember that being together with loved ones, even if not in luxurious conditions >>> not being together with loved ones but living in luxury. (for me anyway)

Sinall

puglover wrote: »

IMO trying to make the OP look at the other side of the coin and realise that his OH has just as much reason for being stressed, and maybe stop blaming her is alot more useful than saying " poor old you being stuck with such a horrible lazy gf". He needs to realise the situation is what is causing the problem and not his GF.

I agree. And myself and other posters have stated that too.

prinz

I have to agree with the previous two. I really got the impression from the OP that he was busy doing his own thing, and the his gf should fend for herself.

Terodil

Just as an added thought:

You can't cuddle money.