Can you get over this?

LegacyUser

And have you?

My boyfriend was out a few weeks ago and a couple of people said he may have had had a bit of a fumble with someone, even though they never witnessed anything, they got the impression he did by disappearing for a bit with a woman he knows. He swears blind nothing happened, they were just talking (yawn) as she was upset about her relationship problems then came back and everyone was at him accusing him of all sorts. He said they went away to talk private because it was noisy.

It has given me nothing but heartache and I feel sick thinking about it, I also know who this woman is although I hardly ever see her (thank god because she would get a good hiding if I ever do). They said she was flirting with him but he wasn't really going along with it, he was just chatting but then they went off. That is my boyfriend though, he is so chatty with everyone and it may come across as flirting because society seems to think men and women can't talk without wanting to get jiggy.

It makes it harder because no one knows the truth apart from them two. She has apparently said nothing happened too. My boyfriend said the people he was out with are always out for a bit of gossip and unfortunately I was the victim of it.

I thought mates kept these kind of things from the girlfriend, unless they were doing it to create the gossip they so love to create, they were drunk when they told me.

I really don't know - he said he would have admitted it by now as we have had many a row over it. I just think he may have been too drunk to remember, although he said you remember things like that, I don't think that is true. He remembers walking and talking with her and the commotion it caused but doesn't remember going home although I know for sure he came straight home as he shared a taxi with said mates.

Have you ever been in my situation and how did you deal with it? We have been together 3 years and have not long bought a house together, is it worth throwing that away for one drunken incident that may or may not have happened? (BTW I know I am worth 10 of her, she flirts with anything because she ain't getting anything at home, it is always those kind of skanks that ruin relationships, they are never worth it).

What should I do?

Lucy Lu

Unregged post have to be approved by mods so please bear with us, there is no need to start thread a second time, we will get to them as soon as we can.

Lucy.

LegacyUser

How did you get it out of him?

Is there a way I can get him to admit? I don't think it will ever go away, I have to pass near her house all of the time as my commute to work is near there and it brings it back.

messygirl

my boyf is a total flirt when he has a few drinks, drives me mental to tell the truth and i dont think of myself as a jealous person. its a head wrecker and i get pretty upset when i see him doing it in front of me even though he doesnt mean anything by it, and i would feel sick to my stomach if i thought he had gone off with someone (and that is without people saying he went off)

one thing i dont get is why would he go off with this woman in front of all his mates? bit risky considering you know these people. it seems a little inconsiderate, how does it make you look when your boyf disappears with some girl who was flirting with him for a while? even if he didnt do anything.

You have to go with your gut. is he the sort that would cheat? they say 4 out of 5 people cheat so that is a scary statistic. if your instinct tells you he cheated then maybe you have to work things out with him and have a serious talk. if ye are always fighting and you have major trust issues after this there isnt much future but maybe you should give him another shot and keep a lookout for any signs. as for the other woman its not her fault if your boyf falls for a line about a bad relationship and goes off with her. but dont take the whole i was drunk as an excuse, if he has a problem with how he acts on drink he shouldnt be drinking

LegacyUser

I know he is inconsiderate to my feelings, he doesn't think. Once his mates were sober and saw what a state I was in they were backtracking, well it is too late. He said he feels guilty for getting in that situation as he knows how much it has hurt me but he said he has nothing else to feel guilty for, he doesn't fancy her, as fas as he is aware the conversation went no further than her crying on his shoulder but obviously I don't know that.

If it was an affair, it isn't exactly nice but at least they are throwing a relationship away for something a little more substantial rather than a one off drunken snog or grope. I don't understand why her, she isn't really the type of woman who would get male attention (without being a bitch) - maybe that is why she throws herself on men.

I have all sorts of images in my head as you can imagine. I can be fine for a while then it just pops back and brings me back down.

Will time make it easier?

Silverfish

Certainly seems odd, OP.

Has there been anything else like this, or anything else that has made you suspicious?

I also know who this woman is although I hardly ever see her (thank god because she would get a good hiding if I ever do).

Why on earth would you do this. That's insane behaviour. The agreement of mutual respect is between you and your bf, so if something did happen, its him that promised to be faithful to you, not her.
Beating people up is really, really no solution to anything.

Also, stop throwing out jibes at this woman - if nothing happened, it's just mean, if something did happen, the issue is with your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Sorry, was just a figure of speech, I am too soft to be like that - giving daggers would be as far as I go!

I am a jealous person anyway and whether he is guilty or not, getting into a situation like that doesn't help build trust.

When we first go together, things were good.

We have argued about it so much that I can't bring it up anymore but I need the truth. I can't work, I feel too sick.

enda1

To be honest I hope you get dumped, you sound like a complete b!tch.

If he cheated, he would be the prick not the girl. What the hell is wrong with girls trying to blame the third party? The other girl has no emotional attachment to the relationship nor any commitment ot it.

Drop it and beg him to forgive your ridiculus jealousy. Appologise for not trusting him, you have created a deep gash in the foundation of your relationship which you may not be able fix.

LegacyUser

How am I a bitch?

How would you react in this situation?

Yes, I blame her as much as him, it takes two and he has had his share of grief believe me. Do you think I would take this lying down?

Part of me wants to do it back but I know that won't change anything. Do you think doing things to get him jealous would show him how it feels? He trusts me because he knows how genuine I am, maybe the tables need turning.

Silverfish

Op, can you answer my question please.

What other things has he done to make you not trust him?

irelandrover

I don't really see that he has done anything wrong OP. Unless you don't want him to talk to any women in future. Or always make sure you are standing beside him when he does. For me this is your problem and you need to get over it.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

Op, can you answer my question please.

What other things has he done to make you not trust him?

Silly drunken comments about fancying other women, having female friends - I am sensitive to things like that. I don't think he has cheated before but he should be a little more considerate of my feelings.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

Silly drunken comments about fancying other women, having female friends - I am sensitive to things like that. I don't think he has cheated before but he should be a little more considerate of my feelings.

So if he does these things, and then disappears off with this girl , perhaps you're just not suited to each other?
It's hardly fair on either of you to grate on each other like this all the time.

*Lees*

So let me get this straight, your boyfriends friends told you that he disappeared with a woman at some stage during the night? She was flirting with him like she does with every man and he was just chatting to her as he is a very chatty person!! So, you accuse your man of cheating???? Sorry but you just put 2+2 together and gotten 10!!

Unregistered wrote: »

it may come across as flirting because society seems to think men and women can't talk without wanting to get jiggy.

... and that's exactly what you have done yourself!! It shocks me how many people get into something as serious as buying a house with their partner when there is no trust in the relationship!!

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

Silly drunken comments about fancying other women, having female friends - I am sensitive to things like that. I don't think he has cheated before but he should be a little more considerate of my feelings.

Drunken comments about fancying other women isn't on. But there is nothing wrong with having female friends - he is entitled to be friends with whomever he wants, as are you! Do you think he should stop having female friends on your account?!

Is it possible that his friends know you are sensitive about things like this and told you to wind you up?

It doesn't sound like you are going to find out for definite whether anything happened. If you genuinely think (due to other reasons as well) that he is cheating then you need to make your decisions based on that. If, however, you are overly paranoid and don't like him even talking to other women, then it seems that you might have your own issues to deal with. Obviously, not knowing you and your BF, I don't know which is the case.

Doing the same thing to "show him how it feels" isn't going to solve anything. It's not very mature behaviour and you are likely to break up anyway or end up in a vicious circle of cheating, revenge and retribution.

LegacyUser

That is it, what happens next time he says he is going out? A total night of misery, which isn't even half as bad as the weeks to follow that.

He says I shouldnt be so insecure and I need to trust him but how exactly????

He definately needs to control his drink. I know I can trust him when he is sober, he loves me too much but I honestly think he doesn't know what he is doing after he has had one too many.

Some strict rules are going to have to be set if he wants me to stick around.

What do you suggest I say without causing another argument?

Silverfish

Well first off, you need to look at what information you have and how you're getting it.

His friends told you he may have gone off with another woman.
Did they phone you up and tell you? Were they slagging him in front of you? Did they call over and sit you down and tell you they had something bad to tell you?

Is this the first time they have told you stuff like this?

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

Some strict rules are going to have to be set if he wants me to stick around.

To be honest, I would not suggest this as a way to go!! You can't give somebody a set of rules of live by. Nobody wants to be controlled like that. It would become very oppressive, you want to be his GF, not the parent of a child!!!

If your OH feels that you are controlling his every move, he will start to push back and you could drive him away. I agree that some of his behaviour is inappropriate (eg comments about fancying other women) but is it possible that he is trying to show you that you can't control him and that he is still his own person? I hope that makes sense, I'm not explaining it very well!

Zulu

Ok so lets sum up the facts.

1) Your boy friend went somewhere outside your area of influence with another girl.
2) Your friends didn't see when your boyfriend went.
3) Your friends didn't see what your boyfriend did.
4) Your boyfriend told you what he did - consoled an upset friend of his.
5) Your boyfriend told you he wasn't unfaithful.
6) You admit you are jealous.
7) You admit you are sensitive.
8) You indirectly admit you are insecure (you don't like him having female friends).

How old are you?
In an adult relationship, the relationship is based on trust. One partner should trust their loved one, more than they value the insinuations of their "friends". That said though, adolescent relationships generally don't work off that principle.
You clearly don't trust your boyfriend, so your relationship is over. You should consider though that the relationship was over long before he disappeared with his friend. It sounds like you never really trusted him, so it was always doomed.

LegacyUser

It is when they came back they told me, I burst into tears and did the usual how could you do this to me but he was too wasted to respond but once he came round he said nothing happened and still sticks by that. But I guess he would, wouldn't he?

I called his mate the next day and he said he was drunk and can't really remember the ins and outs and isn't too sure anything happened but still lives by the fact it could have done.

Why do this to me? I don't condone it one bit but would it have been better me not knowing and living in ignorant bliss?

Oh The Humanity

Hm, this sounds familiar....was the lady concerned the Mother of one of your boyfriends friends that had passed on....

Are you the same girl who gave the lad concerned a hiding?

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

It is when they came back they told me, I burst into tears and did the usual how could you do this to me but he was too wasted to respond but once he came round he said nothing happened and still sticks by that. But I guess he would, wouldn't he?

I called his mate the next day and he said he was drunk and can't really remember the ins and outs and isn't too sure anything happened but still lives by the fact it could have done.

Why do this to me? I don't condone it one bit but would it have been better me not knowing and living in ignorant bliss?

Has this ever happened before? Have they ever told you anything else?

Silverfish

Oh The Humanity, if you have an issue with a post, report it. Do not drag threads off-topic, thanks.

LegacyUser

No never. Nothing has ever made me think he has done anything bad before, apart from his comments but his answer to that is he can look but not touch.

He said however if he doubted me, he would leave me. So why is it ok for him to make me doubt him when he doesn't want to lose me?

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

It is when they came back they told me, I burst into tears and did the usual how could you do this to me but he was too wasted to respond but once he came round he said nothing happened and still sticks by that. But I guess he would, wouldn't he?

I called his mate the next day and he said he was drunk and can't really remember the ins and outs and isn't too sure anything happened but still lives by the fact it could have done.

Why do this to me? I don't condone it one bit but would it have been better me not knowing and living in ignorant bliss?

In relation to asking, why he did this to you, you don't know if he did anything exactly. You know he went for a walk with a female friend and that has made you suspicious. They are both saying nothing happened. So you need to decide if you believe them? There is no way you can find out for definite.

Oh The Humanity

Oops Apologies!

LegacyUser

Sinall wrote: »

In relation to asking, why he did this to you, you don't know if he did anything exactly. You know he went for a walk with a female friend and that has made you suspicious. They are both saying nothing happened. So you need to decide if you believe them? There is no way you can find out for definite.

It is the not knowing that I don't like. If he put his hands up and said ok we kissed, then it would hurt course it would but it is better knowing than having all kinds of filth in your mind.

I just want to know, then I have something to deal with. I don't want to throw a relationship away over chinese whispers but then again, if he did anything, I don't want him thinking he has gotten away with it.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

No never. Nothing has ever made me think he has done anything bad before, apart from his comments but his answer to that is he can look but not touch.

He said however if he doubted me, he would leave me. So why is it ok for him to make me doubt him when he doesn't want to lose me?

So how long are you together? And this is the very first instance where his friends told you something may have happened?

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

So why is it ok for him to make me doubt him when he doesn't want to lose me?

You are responsible for your own feelings. You choose to doubt him, he isn't making you doubt him. And you if genuinely doubt him, you need to consider whether you should be in the relationship. If, however, it's your own issues that are causing you to doubt him it sounds like you are just waiting for him to cheat or expecting him to cheat.

LegacyUser

Been together 3 years, nothing has ever made me think he cheated but I guess his comments about other women made me over sensitive to the subject. It is just lads talk he says, maybe so, you say it to the lads though, not the girlfriend.

I suppose I have it in my head he will do it one day, as will anyone I date. Someone said before 4 out of 5 cheat, it will be so hard to find the 1 that doesn't. It is too painful, I have invested so much in this relationship, I don't feel I can leave.

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

It is the not knowing that I don't like. If he put his hands up and said ok we kissed, then it would hurt course it would but it is better knowing than having all kinds of filth in your mind.

I just want to know, then I have something to deal with. I don't want to throw a relationship away over chinese whispers but then again, if he did anything, I don't want him thinking he has gotten away with it.

Sorry, but you're not going to know. And you have to deal with that. It sounds like you are convinced he cheated, so the question is, how do you plan to deal with that? You can't keep accusing him forever, so either you stay or you go.

LegacyUser

If he loved me, he would man up. Something must have happened for his mates to say something. They wouldn't wind me up, they like me and nothing like this has ever happened before. He has been out so many times without me and I have never worried or doubted him, until now.

Lemming

Unregistered wrote: »

It is when they came back they told me, I burst into tears and did the usual how could you do this to me but he was too wasted to respond but once he came round he said nothing happened and still sticks by that. But I guess he would, wouldn't he?

I called his mate the next day and he said he was drunk and can't really remember the ins and outs and isn't too sure anything happened but still lives by the fact it could have done.

Why do this to me? I don't condone it one bit but would it have been better me not knowing and living in ignorant bliss?

So, his "mates" apparently can't remember squat, are unsure about pretty much everything, but still insist that something did happen? I'm sorry, but I call absolute b*llocks. Their word is about as reliable as Bertie Ahern's tax accountant. Have you considered that perhaps your boyfriend hasn't done anything to you and that you personally have serious, serious trust issues to work through?

Unregistered wrote: »

It is the not knowing that I don't like. If he put his hands up and said ok we kissed, then it would hurt course it would but it is better knowing than having all kinds of filth in your mind.

I just want to know, then I have something to deal with. I don't want to throw a relationship away over chinese whispers but then again, if he did
anything, I don't want him thinking he has gotten away with it.

A bit like trying someone for being a witch by throwing them in water and saying if they float they're guilty ...

For the love of f*ck, you need a serious dose of cop-the-f*ck-on. Sorry, but you do. You're agonising over things that "might", on the words of people who have admitted to be being so apparently drunk that they can't actually remember what happened. To be honest, you'll have a nervous breakdown before long because you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. An airplane might crash on you in an hour. Skynet might declare war on humanity and start nuclear war in a minute from now, etc. etc.

Seriously, I think there is a very high chance that nothing happened at all. People love to gossip, meddle and ruin relationships by jumping to conclusions that people scored just because they were out of sight for a few minutes, as if men and women can't be in the same space without jumping on each other. Last year, I went out for a smoke and a chat with a male friend who has a girlfriend, ended up chatting outside for 20 mins or so, and when I got back inside, I had people asking if I'd scored him My boyfriend will often have chats with his female friends if they're upset about something. I think you're making a big leap here, to be honest.

Zulu

Unregistered wrote: »

If he loved me, he would man up.

You have already decided he's guilty. You have no interest in the truth.

Something must have happened for his mates to say something.

No. Maybe they don't like you and are trying to split you up. Maybe they are taking the piss. You rang one of them to intorrogate them the next morning - do you think he (the third party) appricated this? I know I wouldn't. Ther fact the you were prepared to drag his friend into this gives poor insight into your relationship as a whole.

They wouldn't wind me up, they like me

Well, if that was the case, wouldn't one have them bothered to go see for themselves? Also, do they like you more than their loyalty to him?


Pffft, three years for this? He's better off tbh.

scubasteve

This is completely ridiculous. If I were your BF I would be seriously annoyed with your unreasonable behaviour.

Grow up Op and trust the man you love or you'll lose him. As far as I can tell you have no reason not to. He obiously loves you or would not put up the c**p your putting him through.
His mate made a stupid comment when drunk that you are believing over your BF.

I regularly have nights out with just female friends both in groups and one on one and my GF has no problem because she trusts me. she was a little jealous when we started dating but soon realised that I only had eyes for her.

LegacyUser

This is what I don't understand, I always thought men go by what happens here stays here. He said he told me because he thinks a lot of me and was angry with my boyfriend for going off like that with her.

My boyfriend is stupid like that. Whether he did anything beyond talking or not, he shouldn't have disappeared.

I am not going to cheat, but I am going to put myself in situations where he may think what is she up to. I will make myself beautiful and head up town, tell him not to wait up and see how he likes that.

Nitxteha

My advice is to stick to what you see and not to what people say. As you mentioned, these group of people love the gossip. Don't listen to them unless you have seen something suspicious WITH YOUR OWN EYES!

It looks like he went outside to talk with that other girl, that's it. It may be harmless, however it's odd to know you are at home and your boyfriend is out talking to other women...why weren't you there on that night out?

I understand if there's some special occasion for "men only" or "ladies only" that couples don't go, but I don't understand all this going out without your partner, honeslty. This only causes insecurities and situations like this.

If you had been there, you would have seen him talking with her and realised it was ok, or you would have asked him what they were talking about later, end of story.

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

If he loved me, he would man up. Something must have happened for his mates to say something. They wouldn't wind me up, they like me and nothing like this has ever happened before. He has been out so many times without me and I have never worried or doubted him, until now.

Man up?????? So if he loved you, he would come clean?

You have decided that he has cheated. You also said that you won't leave as you have invested too much. These are your decisions. You can't force him to admit to anything (especially if he hasn't done anything). You need to deal with your own issues IMO.

Silverfish

What was his reaction when you told him what his friends told you?
If he was out of it, did he check with his friends to see if anything did happen?

scubasteve

Nitxteha wrote: »

My advice is to stick to what you see and not to what people say. As you mentioned, these group of people love the gossip. Don't listen to them unless you have seen something suspicious WITH YOUR OWN EYES!.

Completly agree.

Nitxteha wrote: »

It looks like he went outside to talk with that other girl, that's it. It may be harmless, however it's odd to know you are at home and your boyfriend is out talking to other women...why weren't you there on that night out?

Some people like there own space most people dont need to be stuck to their OH 24/7

Nitxteha wrote: »

I understand if there's some special occasion for "men only" or "ladies only" that couples don't go, but I don't understand all this going out without your partner, honeslty. This only causes insecurities and situations like this.

See above

Nitxteha wrote: »

If you had been there, you would have seen him talking with her and realised it was ok, or you would have asked him what they were talking about later, end of story.

Not really anyone elses business what one friend confides in another

LegacyUser

It was a mates leaving do at work, I don't know the mate in question and it was lads only anyway. It was his best mate who said it and a few other lads tagged on with the idea.

Ok say I decide to think he hasn't done anything, how do I get past that barrier to make me always think I am better than this, I am a damn good girlfriend and he would be stupid to cheat.

It is so out of character for this friend to be like this, maybe it was the drink.

I don't like not being included when he goes out.

*Lees*

Nitxteha wrote: »

I understand if there's some special occasion for "men only" or "ladies only" that couples don't go, but I don't understand all this going out without your partner, honeslty. This only causes insecurities and situations like this.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? :rolleyes::rolleyes:
That is so ridiculous!! Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to do everything together!! I go out all the time with my group of friends and my boyfriend goes out with his! It only causes insecurities if someone is insecure!! It's nice to have your own life outside of a relationship!!

Moomoo1

OP, I am sorry, but since you have no _real_ evidence, you cannot assume anything of the kind you are assuming. Your OH didn't really do anything to break you trust in him in this way, so why can't you just trust that his side of the story is what really happened?

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't like not being included when he goes out.

It's not healthy to be with each other 24 hours a day. You have been together for 3 years, you live together. A bit of space is healthy and good for relationships!

It really does sound like your own jealousy and insecurity issues are getting in the way of your relationship. There's no quick fix to those I'm afraid. You need to work on them.

scubasteve

Unregistered wrote: »

I am a damn good girlfriend and he would be stupid to cheat.

This is great and a reason why you should trust him. Trust (for me) starts with self confidence.

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't like not being included when he goes out.

Tell him you'd like to included more but be aware that everyone likes a bit of space every now and then no matter how much thay love a person.

*Lees*

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok say I decide to think he hasn't done anything, how do I get past that barrier to make me always think I am better than this, I am a damn good girlfriend and he would be stupid to cheat.

If you decide to believe him then you should drop it and move on! Don't keep bringing it up, get on with your life!! If you know your a damn good girlfriend, trust that your boyfriend of 3 years is smart enough not to cheat! Learn to get over your jealousy and insecurities and have a little more trust in your boyfriend! Don't listen to drunkards telling you stories either when they can't even remember anything that actually happened!!

LegacyUser

Your advice is brilliant. What am I gaining by obsessing over it?

You are so so so right scuba steve, trust does begin with self confidence.

How do I ignore the niggles?
How can I act around him to show he really would be silly to go elsewhere?? Having no confidence makes people respect you less, I need to show him I am worth a bit of fidelity.

scubasteve

So you think he's guilty do you sunflower?

Zulu

Unregistered wrote: »

This is what I don't understand, I always thought men go by what happens here stays here.

Yes. All men go by that. If we don't, we are taken aside by secret police for punishment & retraining.

My boyfriend is stupid like that. Whether he did anything beyond talking or not, he shouldn't have disappeared.

Indeed he is a fool. Why did you let him out though? Clearly he's not behaving as you'd like.

I am not going to cheat, but I am going to put myself in situations where he may think what is she up to. I will make myself beautiful and head up town, tell him not to wait up and see how he likes that.

Great idea. This is exactly what you should do. I have yet to see one proven instance where playing unhealthy childish games within a relationship, hasn't improved the siutation, and lead directly to "happily ever after".

Keep up the good work, you've it all covered.

Just to recap folks, remember:

1. Assume you boyfriend is no different to all other males
2. Disrespect him on an internet forum
3. Ensure revenge for any percieved slight by...
4. ...play childish mind games.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

Your advice is brilliant. What am I gaining by obsessing over it?

You are so so so right scuba steve, trust does begin with self confidence.

How do I ignore the niggles?
How can I act around him to show he really would be silly to go elsewhere?? Having no confidence makes people respect you less, I need to show him I am worth a bit of fidelity.

You've already shown him. He's with you. He bought a house with you.

You need to show yourself.