I just don't know how to deal with this.....

MelanieC

Ok, been thinking about posting this for a while but was too embarrassed but things have really come to a head now and I don't know what to do.
I'm 31, going out with a 26 year old for almost 3 years. We live together with my 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Most of the time everything's great, I really love him and know that he loves me and he's great with my daughter who simply adores him.
Problems only arise when he's been drinking. He goes out with the boys once or twice a week which I don't mind but he gets off his face EVERY time. He then arrives home and it's a lottery. 50% of the time, he's fine, just all lovey dovey with drunken cuddles and the like. The other 50% though, he can be really aggressive and start arguing and shouting at me for no reason. I never know, when he's out, which him is going to come home.
I used to think that it was the drink that made him aggressive and abusive but I've come to the conclusion that this isn't so because he's always fine with everyone else, no matter how much he's had. It's just me he lashes out at and there's never any reason even though in his drunken mind he thinks there is. I personally think he has anger issues but again, only towards me. I've often theorised that it stems from feeling trapped or too committed to us or whatever but he always swears this isn't true. So I'm at a loss.
The straw that broke the camel's back came last night when he came home so out of it he didn't seem to know what I or he was saying. One minute he was fine, laughing and joking and the next he turned, like Jekyll and Hyde. He'd shout at me or accuse me of something, I'd try to defend myself but while I'm doing so, he's forgotten he's ever said it and then thinks I'm making up lies about him which makes him angrier.
I kept trying to tell him that nothing happened, we hadn't even argued and I didn't know why he was suddenly so angry but he just mocks me and swears at me, convinced I'm the bad guy. He got so mad at one point he threw a lighter across the room and broke it in two, frightening the life out of the child. I know this is not good for her to be around but like I said, he actually adores her and she him and the rest of the time, everything's perfect.
Don't get me wrong, he would never be physically abusive, I know that but his manner and language is so abusive it's just as scary. I always start to cry which makes him madder and he mocks me, saying I love playing the victim.
Sorry for ranting on but I really just don't know what to do. This has happened now countless times and each time I've eventually forgiven him and hoped things would change. And sometimes they do, coz it's not even every time he's drunk, just sometimes.
He left this morning without saying a word to me, probably in the pub all day today again which won't help but at this stage I don't even know if there's any point trying to talk to him about what happened. For one, he'll have a totally messed-up memeory of what happened and also if I try to convince him of what actually happened, he'll just accuse me of lying to make him the bad guy and "play the victim" again. How can I win?
I really don't want to leave him coz we do have a great relationship and life otherwise and I really do love him. And I believe him when he says he loves us. But I'm honestly at the end of my rope.:(

WindSock

Hi MelanieC, you would be better off posting this here in Relationship Issues forum http://boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1174

g'em

moved from tLL

Recon

Have you talked to him about it when he's sober? Has he ever been like that when he's sober or is it just 100% of the time when he's drunk? If that's the case I'd draw a line if I were you. Either you or the drink, he can't have both.

Taltos

Hi Op

I am at a loss here I really am.
You say that you have a great relationship - but at the same time your post reads like a prelude to war. I am not sure how you are surviving living with your child with this Jekyl/Hyde character - even your comment that he is off getting smashed again today just screams volumes of a relationship in its death throes - just neither of you have admitted it yet.

I know you think he will never hit you or your child. But...
No-one ever does - even when it does happen something else is used to explain it.

Why FGS is he not taking his drinking more seriously? Especially now with the crunch on. If he really cared for you would he really?
a) get smashed on a regular basis
b) mock you when you cry
c) accuse you of loving to be a victim (might have that quote wrong)

For a start I really recommend that he cuts out the booze - even for a few weeks or at least learns how to moderate. Also - there could be just one drink in the mix that triggers this behaviour - for my brother it is Whiskey - your OH might have a similar trigger.

For both your sakes please take the time to sit down as soon as you can - alone and talk this all through. You have to get through to him and he has to admit that his behaviour - if not out of control - is at a minimum impacting you and your baby...
Do it somewhere neutral - where you can be alone and speak openly and honestly & more importantly where there is no drink.

Failing that - seek prof help - Anon or a counsellor - am sure Wibbs or Thae will pop in soon with those links.

Just remember you are not alone here - try to be strong if not for yourself - for your baby as well.

Best of Luck
T

Vegeta

Video tape him, someone may have suggested it already. I know someone who did it to their father and he never drank again after seeing himself

If it were me, either the drink went or I would walk

MelanieC

Thanks for your comments. Yeah, we have tried to talk about this when he's sober but even then, it turns into a shouting match and I end up crying. (I cry easily anyway:o). He's a very defensive person and constantly thinks I'm patronising him or talking down to him when really I'm just trying to calm him down and talk rationally. The ironic thing is he's the one who talks down to me when he mocks me and calls me names. I think that is so unecessary in any arguement.

Plus like I said, he'll have a totally scewed memory of what happened and refuses to believe my (true) version of things coz he presumes I'm making it all up to back up my own case. ??? He can be paranoid at the best of times. He obviously has issues but if I dare say that to him he goes beserk altogether.

I did make him attend a counsellor with me once before but he refused point blank to go again and to be honest, I didn't think much of it either. He has a major chip on his shoulder about me "always making him the bad guy" and saw the counselling session as more of that. He doesn't even like me to talk to my friends or my mum when we have a fight coz he feels I am badmouthing him and making him the bad guy to everyone. Wheras I'm a total girly girl, if I'm upset I have to talk to someone and analyse things and have a good old cry. He doesn't understand that, he'd kill me altogether if he knew I posted this up here.

I did also think, like your bro, that it was whiskey that was the trigger. But he can have whiskey and be fine with everyone except me. Or he can not have any whiskey and also be fine with everyone but me. So I don't think anymore that it's the whiskey. I think it's me. But I don't know why or what I can do to stop it. How can you prevent something from happening when you don't even have to say or do anything in the first place for it to happen?

CurlieSue

i agree with the above, tape him and show him the next day. he wont be long copping on. i know we all get legless now and again but this happens a bit too often dont you think?

MelanieC

I must admit I've thought of this before but I'm afraid he'll think I'm tricking him and patronising him. Every single thing I say to him when he's like this, he seems to think is patronising so I think he'd probably view videotaping him without his consent as the ultimate in patronising and one-upmanship.

qwertyphobia

leave him.

Seriously read over what you posted and think if you where being told this story from someone in work, inside you would be thinking to yourself she has to leave him.

Not saying its easy, but he doesn't look like he is in any way about to sort himself out

MelanieC

You're right Qwerty, if I were answering to anyone else's post on this I would say "Leave him, he has no respect for you, you deserve to be treated so much better than this". I know I would. But it's just not that easy when it's you is it? I do really love him and I know he loves me and my daughter. And we're fine the rest of the time, honestly. So it's hard to think of just walking away. But then, this has been happening regularly for so long. I don't want to get to the stage where I'm just resigned to this treatment, I need to retain some self-respect. I just don't know what comes over him.:(

Taltos

qwertyphobia wrote: »

leave him.

Seriously read over what you posted and think if you where being told this story from someone in work, inside you would be thinking to yourself she has to leave him.

Not saying its easy, but he doesn't look like he is in any way about to sort himself out

You can only do so much.
If he refuses to meet you half way what is that telling you
a) does not respect you - look at his mocking
b) does not love you - might be harsh - but could you ever behave to him like he does to you and you do love him...

Added to that you have a child to watch out for - this is a toxic relationship.
If he refuses to get help then you gotta leave.
If you are trying couselling again - try to get a recommendation of a good one - there is a guy in Dundrum I heard is marvellous.

But - he cannot just go once and stop - counselling takes repeated trips and sometimes you gotta hear the bad stuff...

Like the video tape - but would be concerned at his reaction to this trickery.
At the heart of it all - while alcohol is a big part - his basic immaturity sounds like a bigger issue here - that with his lack of respect for you.

So leave - while you still have some confidence left - shortly he will burn thru that - and it seems like he could be enjoying this - hence the power play with all the put-downs...

prinz

How long do you think it will be before your daughter is exposed to this side of him, if she hasn't been already? :eek:

She doesn't deserve that. Think of her. It's hardly a healthy stable environment she's living in. He sounds like a bit of a controlling bully IMO and an insecure one at that, which is even more dangerous tbh.

LegacyUser

Get the feck out of there!! Are you just going to wait until he becomes physically aggressive?? You say he wouldn't, but how do you know for sure?

I also agree with the earlier suggestion to video him when he's drunk. It would mean he can't then accuse you of making it all up. But that said, if he were to catch you recording him, it could get worse, which is why I originally said leave him.


Or you could always do both, let him watch the video when you and your daughter are gone. Bit dramatic perhaps...

ManOfMystery

I agree with the video tape. Shock tactics might be what it takes. Hell, it worked for a while on David Hasselhoff when his daughters taped him and posted it on Youtube so I'm sure it can work on someone else.

If he claims it's 'trickery' you can say you were driven to it as he wouldn't acknowledge the issue any other way.

MelanieC

Taltos wrote: »

You can only do so much.
If he refuses to meet you half way what is that telling you
a) does not respect you - look at his mocking
b) does not love you - might be harsh - but could you ever behave to him like he does to you and you do love him...

Added to that you have a child to watch out for - this is a toxic relationship.
If he refuses to get help then you gotta leave.
If you are trying couselling again - try to get a recommendation of a good one - there is a guy in Dundrum I heard is marvellous.

But - he cannot just go once and stop - counselling takes repeated trips and sometimes you gotta hear the bad stuff...

Like the video tape - but would be concerned at his reaction to this trickery.
At the heart of it all - while alcohol is a big part - his basic immaturity sounds like a bigger issue here - that with his lack of respect for you.

So leave - while you still have some confidence left - shortly he will burn thru that - and it seems like he could be enjoying this - hence the power play with all the put-downs...

Thanks Taltos. This post made me cry. Like I said, I cry at the drop of a hat anyway but you really hit home with some of the things you said.
You're right, even when arguing I don't treat him the way he does me coz I still respect and love him.
And my confidence is fading. I used to be a lot feistier when we started out (used to lead to a lot of fights then too) but lately I find myself resigning myself to the name-calling and swearing and apologising when I haven't done anything out of the way, just to put an end to it. But even when I do that now, it doesn't prevent the outbursts so I'm left with no options at all.
I wish I could even print off these posts and show them to him so he might see it's not just me who thinks this is unacceptable and not me being over-dramatic about things, which is truly what he believes. But I know he'd probably just accuse me of badmouthing him again and poisoning all of you (even though you're all strangers) against him as well.

I know from reading all this what the answer is but my heart is broken.
I wish there was another way.

Mr Benevolent

MelanieC wrote: »

You're right Qwerty, if I were answering to anyone else's post on this I would say "Leave him, he has no respect for you, you deserve to be treated so much better than this". I know I would. But it's just not that easy when it's you is it? I do really love him and I know he loves me and my daughter. And we're fine the rest of the time, honestly. So it's hard to think of just walking away. But then, this has been happening regularly for so long. I don't want to get to the stage where I'm just resigned to this treatment, I need to retain some self-respect. I just don't know what comes over him.:(

Welcome to the world of a million other women in Europe. They're in the same situation and they always say the same thing - 'we love each other, he'll change, it's the best thing for the children.' Eventually the violence starts, first directed at the women and then the kids. The women blame themselves and it degrades from there. End it now or forever be the abused partner protecting her frightened child from a drunken bully.

I've been the kid in that relationship. It's not fun. My mum never got out of it. I'm now 29 and have got over it. but he still goes bonkers occasionally, and that's one reason why my brother and I still live at home - to protect her from harm. I've seen the riot police in the house. I've seen my brother knock him out because was going beserk, and I've seen the blood on the floor afterwards. He nearly broke my neck once, and he's punched my mum around the kitchen in a drunken rage.

End it or you'll regret the day you decided to enter into an abusive relationship. It's grow to seven nights a week, mark my words. If you don't, I really hope your kid(s) aren't harmed by your decision.

Think it over... now.

MelanieC

He sounds like a bit of a controlling bully IMO and an insecure one at that, which is even more dangerous tbh.[/quote]

The ironic thing is he's always accusing me of trying to control him!!! When, as you quite rightly pointed out, it's actually the other way round.

If he says he's going out drinking with the lads, if I ask him to please not get too plastered (coz I'm afraid of him having a "turn") he gives out to me for trying to control him, saying "you can't tell me what to do, I'll drink as much as I like, it's none of your business" etc etc.

MelanieC

Confab, I'm sorry about your situation and I know you'll say they all say this but I honestly don't think he'd ever hurt me or my child. He's actually not a violent person, even in that state, just a very aggressive one. It's his words/tone/language/manner that's abusive, not his physical being.

prinz

MelanieC wrote: »

If he says he's going out drinking with the lads, if I ask him to please not get too plastered (coz I'm afraid of him having a "turn") he gives out to me for trying to control him, saying "you can't tell me what to do, I'll drink as much as I like, it's none of your business" etc etc.

Leave him, he's a muppet. Like Confab alluded to above, it's a slippery slope.

Take your example above. Eventually his giving out to you will lead you to stop making simple requests like that.... you'll start thinking 'maybe it is my fault, maybe i am too controlling'.... you'll start walking on eggshells around him afraid to upset him, you won't ask him to do/not to do anything in case it sets him off again. In the end you'll be telling him to go out, to enjoy himself... and endorse his behaviour, and you can't complain then because he'll say 'but you told me to go out, you're never happy' etc etc.

EDIT:- An aggressive/abusive person WILL eventually lash out. It's only a matter of time.

Nitxteha

He's psycologically abusing you, and that is only a step from physical abuse.

It is not normal to get drunk twice a week; he has a drinking problem.

Get away from him before it's too late. This type of behaviour is like a spider net: it trapps you, tighter and tighter, so get away from him for your sake and for your daughter's sake.

You need a loving and caring partner not anybody that is making your life miserable.

MelanieC

Do you really have a drinking problem if you go drinking twice a week though?
I just texted him there, saying can we meet and talk if he's sober and all I got back was "Stop always making out like I'm some kind of drunk" but the fact is he probably is in the pub, or at least has been at some stage today. He doesn't agree that makes him a drunk or having a drinking problem though.
Either way, I suppose I should go and try to talk to him, although judging by his mood in the text, I know exactly how it's gonna go.

What should I say - "it's either the drink or me"????
I don't think ultimatums ever work with anyone and definitely not with him.

Plus, I don't necessarily want him to give up the drink altogether. Like I said before, half the time he's ok and we have had some lovely nights out together, both of us drinking. We're even supposed to be going on holidays next month. And we've never had a problem with this while on holiday and you know the amount of drinking you do on your hols. So I just don't know.

Nitxteha

Of course he has a drinking problem if he gets drunk twice a week. Specially being an adult with a child at home.

However, I don't know your boyfriend and I'm not an expert. I suggest you consult your situation with someone in AA to see if he has a drinking problem.

The fact that he's agressive to you should give you big red lights. No matter if he's drunk or sobber.

From your post, it looks like you are looking for help on the one side, and in denial on the other.

When men have a problem like that women tend to be very supportive thinking we can help. Unfortunately that's wrong, because if he has an anger management problem or a drinking problem only he can help himself (with professional help).

Think about you and your child first.

Taltos

Alcoholics do not have to be constantly drinking.
They just have a reliance on the booze.

FGS - look at his reply to your request for a chat.
Gawd - that makes me so angry and sad all at the same time.

You already said it - you know the answer - you deserve to be happy - your child deserves to be happy - and lets face it - he is just making your life a living hell.

Go get some help - but get out.
Maybe that will prompt him to get help - you never know - once he does it could work out for you - it did for one of my sisters.
She left - moved home. He got counselling - now a no of yrs later they have never been happier - got back together after a mth or 2 after a num of counselling sessions. Only went back when he broke down in tears in one of the sessions and admitted to it all. Like your OH he convinced all around her that she was the nag - it was all her fault he was so angry.
She says now that it is more like when they first dated.
He had issues with temper too... She said he never hit her - but I don't know if we can believe that.

FYI - my other sis left her hubbie - emotional abuse... Cops could do nothing - never a mark. She waited too long and has a huge road ahead of her - her confidence is almost all gone - kid hates her...

Leave. eom...


edit - you are not resp for him getting help - you are just resp for you and your child....

prinz

MelanieC wrote: »

Do you really have a drinking problem if you go drinking twice a week though?
I just texted him there, saying can we meet and talk if he's sober and all I got back was "Stop always making out like I'm some kind of drunk" but the fact is he probably is in the pub, or at least has been at some stage today.

tbh sounds to me like you're trying to downplay his level of drinking. I'd be suprised now if 2 nights a week was in fact the limit of it. His behaviour is inexcusable drunk or sober.

MelanieC

I know, that's what I'm trying to do. And I don't want to be in denial but I'm just trying to see if there's some way to figure this out that doesn't mean walking away from 3 years together, leaving me (and my child, she'll be devastated) heartbroken.

Starting to think it's a maturity thing more than anything else. I tried texting him to see if we can sort things out, here's how it went -

Me: Where ru rite now?
Him: Why? (he's already being difficult, why not just answer?)
Me: Want to talk. If ur sober.
Him: Stop always making out like I'm some kind of drunk.
Me: Ru sober?
Him: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not or maybe I just don't feel like listening to how I'm this n' I'm that. U didn't take into account what I just texted.
Me: Don't be a child. I just wanna make sure ur sober b4 tryin to talk to u. Uno we never get anywhere tryin to talk when uv been drinking.
No reply.

Now what?

prinz

MelanieC wrote: »

Me: Where ru rite now?
Him: Why? (he's already being difficult, why not just answer?)
Me: Want to talk. If ur sober.
Him: Stop always making out like I'm some kind of drunk.
Me: Ru sober?
Him: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not or maybe I just don't feel like listening to how I'm this n' I'm that. U didn't take into account what I just texted.
Me: Don't be a child. I just wanna make sure ur sober b4 tryin to talk to u. Uno we never get anywhere tryin to talk when uv been drinking.
No reply.

No offence but that's close to being the most ridiculous 'conversation' I have ever seen between two 'mature' adults. He's acting like a child and you're enabling it and playing his game, at his level.

MelanieC

prinz wrote: »

No offence but that's close to being the most ridiculous 'conversation' I have ever seen between two 'mature' adults. He's acting like a child and you're enabling it and playing his game, at his level.

How do you mean? I just don't want to risk trying to talk to him if he's been drinking again today coz it'll just be a repeat of last night. He's not easy to talk to anyway, but even less so if he's under the influence.

shellyboo

MelanieC wrote: »

How do you mean? I just don't want to risk trying to talk to him if he's been drinking again today coz it'll just be a repeat of last night. He's not easy to talk to anyway, but even less so if he's under the influence.

You were sort of baiting him... you had his back up from the very first text, wanting to know where he was, then in the next talking down to him about him being drunk.

Drunk or sober, I wouldn't react well to getting those sorts of text messages. What's wrong with just telling him you want to talk, without throwing accusations at him? I know this is a really hard situation for you, but you need to not stoop to his level of childishness and sniping if you're going to get anywhere.

prinz

MelanieC wrote: »

How do you mean? I just don't want to risk trying to talk to him if he's been drinking again today coz it'll just be a repeat of last night. He's not easy to talk to anyway, but even less so if he's under the influence.

So presumably that's his two nights a week over now is it? Sober again until Sunday? :rolleyes: Been plenty of good advice here so far, not much more anyone can realistically offer tbh.

Are you by any chance waiting for someone to come to his rescue and reassure you that 'two' nights a week is fine and it's your fault for making him angry?

If even 10% of you thinks like that, then his job on you is done I'm afraid.

MelanieC

Ok, I see what mean but you've got to understand I've been here sooooo many times. At the beginning, I did used to just say "Listen, can we talk?" but invariably we would meet up and he'd be half-cut and gunning for a fight again. And when he's in that mood he doesn't hold back - he doesn't care who hears him - neighbours, the general public, whoever and if I try and get him to keep his voice down he just gets worse saying "I don't give a f**k who hears me". It's embarrassing. He's made me cry in public so many times.
So yes, nowadays I always try to ascertain if he's sober first before I consider talking to him.
He still hasn't replied anyway.
He'll probably stay in the pub until late to avoid me at home.

MelanieC

prinz wrote: »

So presumably that's his two nights a week over now is it? Sober again until Sunday? :rolleyes: Been plenty of good advice here so far, not much more anyone can realistically offer tbh.

Are you by any chance waiting for someone to come to his rescue and reassure you that 'two' nights a week is fine and it's your fault for making him angry?

If even 10% of you thinks like that, then his job on you is done I'm afraid.

To be fair Prinz, he probably will be sober until the weekend. He is at home most nights with me I have to say. It's not the frequency of him going out - everyones entitled to one or two nights out a week with friends - it's the fact that everytime he does go out he completely overdoes it and then there's always the chance (not always but it's 50/50) that he'll turn nasty for no reason. That's the issue.

prinz

MelanieC wrote: »

Ok, I see what mean but you've got to understand I've been here sooooo many times. At the beginning, I did used to just say "Listen, can we talk?" but invariably we would meet up and he'd be half-cut and gunning for a fight again. And when he's in that mood he doesn't hold back - he doesn't care who hears him - neighbours, the general public, whoever and if I try and get him to keep his voice down he just gets worse saying "I don't give a f**k who hears me". It's embarrassing. He's made me cry in public so many times.

You left the most important person in the whole mess out. Your child. Bit of a cliché but would someone please think of the children ffs. Look at what it's doing to you.. imagine the effect it is having on the kid.

MelanieC

I know. She made him a card today saying "Please don't be angry anymore". Says it all really doesn't it?
And yet if I show that to him, instead of making him cop onto himself and realise what he's doing to her, he'll just accuse me of getting her on my side and poisoning her against him, I know he will.
I give up. I'm exhausted.:(

shellyboo

MelanieC wrote: »

Ok, I see what mean but you've got to understand I've been here sooooo many times. At the beginning, I did used to just say "Listen, can we talk?" but invariably we would meet up and he'd be half-cut and gunning for a fight again. And when he's in that mood he doesn't hold back - he doesn't care who hears him - neighbours, the general public, whoever and if I try and get him to keep his voice down he just gets worse saying "I don't give a f**k who hears me". It's embarrassing. He's made me cry in public so many times.
So yes, nowadays I always try to ascertain if he's sober first before I consider talking to him.
He still hasn't replied anyway.
He'll probably stay in the pub until late to avoid me at home.

Yeah, I understand that. But two wrongs don't make a right - you're really just riling him by talking to him like that. Unfortunately, you have to be the bigger person and just wait until he IS sober and just talk to him.

And yes, the ultimatum should be "it's me or the drink." What he's doing to you is unacceptable. What happens in a few years when your daughter gets a little older and gains the courage to step in and say "Stop talking to Mammy like that"? Will you be ok with him shouting at her the way he shouts at you?

I know you want to fix him... but you might not be able to. You need to get out for the sake of your daughter.

Taltos

prinz wrote: »

So presumably that's his two nights a week over now is it? Sober again until Sunday? :rolleyes: Been plenty of good advice here so far, not much more anyone can realistically offer tbh.

Are you by any chance waiting for someone to come to his rescue and reassure you that 'two' nights a week is fine and it's your fault for making him angry?

If even 10% of you thinks like that, then his job on you is done I'm afraid.

+1
And remember - you have all the power here no matter how he baits you - you can walk whenever you choose.

Seriously though - txt speak is never a good idea - next time you are both together - say tomorrow morning - arrange a time to meet and chat - away from the house and child so you will not be interrupted.
Let him know you want to talk about how things have been to see what you can both do to fix it... Relationships normally involve 2 people - but if he reacts like above - as per Prinz - there is not much you can do here.
Have you thought - maybe he is trying to force your hand to get you to leave.... As we know maturity is in play here - this is what a lot of guys did when they were teenagers....
Maybe you just both need a break from each other to figure out if you still want the same things from life and from each other.

BOL
T

Taltos

shellyboo wrote: »

Yeah, I understand that. But two wrongs don't make a right - you're really just riling him by talking to him like that. Unfortunately, you have to be the bigger person and just wait until he IS sober and just talk to him.

And yes, the ultimatum should be "it's me or the drink." What he's doing to you is unacceptable. What happens in a few years when your daughter gets a little older and gains the courage to step in and say "Stop talking to Mammy like that"? Will you be ok with him shouting at her the way he shouts at you?

I know you want to fix him... but you might not be able to. You need to get out for the sake of your daughter.

I'd be more concerned that you are teaching your daughter that his behaviour is acceptable - and that she might end up with someone that treats her the same or worse.

MelanieC

Thanks taltos and everyone.
I have been on here all day and am quite literally drained. I think you're right, I'll have to wait until tomorrow when he's some way sober and try to talk things out then.
Only problem with that is he'll probably arrive home half-cut later demanding that we talk about it then or never. Otherwise he sees it as me "telling him what to do" and deciding when we talk. He thinks I'm controlling everything when really it's him! If I wasn't so upset i'd laugh!:rolleyes:

I'll try my best anyway but you never can tell with him. He's very stubborn. And spiteful. And just because I won't get into an argument tonight doesnt mean he won't just go off on one anyway. And then refuse to speak to me tomorrow, saying I had my chance.

Fingers Crossed we can sort something out coz all I know for sure is I can't put myself or my child through this anymore, it's making me ill.

Thanks again everyone. Sorry for going on a bit.:o

Taltos

No worries.

Just do me a favour - re-read your last post.
Is that really acceptable adult behaviour?
As a kid if I tried to behave like that the aul trust hand came out...

bp

Ok, MelaineC,

You say he only drinks twice a week and stays sober until the weekends....today is Tuesday and you are hoping he'll be sober tomorrow? It's mid week!

Hon, it is never as hard as you think it will be to walk away....you used to be out going but HE didn't like it so you changed?????

HE doesn't like you talking to your mother or friends....so you stop talking to them....

You are at your wits end and emotional because of the mental abuse that you are suffering so you cry a lot....may I ask if this is happening more frequently than before you met him?

Your daughter is 8....he has only been in her life for a third of it......she'll get over it! Listen to your daughter....you just said that he wont read the card she made, but neither are you! She is calling out for help and you are defending him! Your daughter is scared and no person who loves their or someone elses child scares them like that...they just don't!

It is no use us lot telling you to leave him because you wont do it until you are ready but since you are looking for advice you are on the way to getting rid of him!

You have become his emotional punch bag. I have two friends who were in similar situations (no children) but only when they made the decision to leave did the hard road begin, but now, they are both back to being HAPPY, CONFIDENT, OUTGOING, SUCCESSFUL! All of the things you should be!

You begin your post with he isn't that bad, and by the sound of your first post he isn't but as you continue to post it becomes clear how bad he really is! Read your posts back.......
1. he drinks at least twice a week and by the sounds of it a lot lot more.
2. he has drained all of your self confidence and respect
3. you apologise for him all the time
4. you defend him all of the time
5. your friends and family are being alienated because of him - why is he so special?????? Friends and family have been with you for more than three years....in the grand scheme of things it isn't that long a time
6. he makes you feel like s*it for having an opinion and trying to protect your daughter???

You need to go to your mothers for a weekend, bring your child, turn your phone off and have a serious hard look at yourself and what you want from life. You have brought your child, the most important thing in your live, in contact with an abusive alcoholic and are making her think it is okay to be in a relationship like that?? Who says you need a man in your life anyway?

Sorry to be harsh with the above, this was meant to be a nice, supporting message but I saw my best friend go through the same thing....he was turning her against myself and her mother bit by bit....thankfully she got away and now sees who bad it was.........but it is still upsetting to see how much she changed around him from what she was into what she became and it wasn't nice! But now she is back to normal, has a loving boyfriend who would walk on fire to get to her, would do anything in the world for her! all you have to do is look at them together to see how genuinely happy they are.

Please just think about it......someone who loves you does NOT call you names, ridicule you, slag you, throw stuff at you etc When you cry the person who loves you is meant to hug you, rub your back and tell you how wonderful you are....he isn't doing that!

Please, please, please think about it ok?

Good luck and we'll be thinking of you (anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship it doesn't matter what your background was it just happens because we all want to be loved)

Mr Benevolent

OP, when I posted my mum's experiences above I didn't do it for sympathy, I did it because I want you to know how it ends for you if you stay in the relationship.

He's denying he has a problem and you're denying that things won't get worse. You've had these talks before with him and nothing has changed... if anything he's become worse, right? The ironic thing is that telling him you want to talk will make him more selfconscious and will make him drink more. Do you really think experiencing a relationship decline due to him drinking will make him more sober or logical? Again, it's that old, old recipe for an abusive relationship.

If he's that immature and illogical, he will eventually start lashing out, no matter how much you don't want that to happen. When he first slaps you or whatever he'll come home the next day with a big bunch of flowers and apologise, but you'll tell him it was your fault, you started it etc. Then he'll do it again a few months later. Then a few weeks later, and then it's once a week. By that stage you'll accept it, and so will the kids. My advice if you want to stay? Learn tae kwon do.

OP I know and understand what's happening here - I haven't only seen it in my parent's relationship. I'm sure you're an intelligent person. Use your intelligence. Most assaults happen on the spur of the moment when drinking is involved. He may not be a bad person but he's doing bad and unstable things which will escalate.

This is my last post on this thread, because I'm not going to bother arguing my point after this. Leave or have an abusive relationship with you kids constantly fearing for your (and their life) lives when he comes home drunk.

Finally, I generally keep an eye on this forum. If you come back in a year asking for advice because he hit you, I will be the first to say 'I told you so.' I don't care if I get banned for saying this, because it's worth it to tell you how much sh!t you'll be getting yourself into if you stay in the relationship.

PS: A three year relationship is not that long. Your kid will have forgotten about him in two months.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

This scenaria is exactly the same as my sister and her partner. she also has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My sisters partner is 38, she is 34, he is constantly going off on a sulk, he is insecure, moody and when he drinks a lot either comes home from the pub crying or agressive. He is very paranoid and jealous of her friends and of any man that she speaks to. She appears t spend her whole time either humouring him or preventing a sulk. The main thing is time is slipping away, she is happy about 50% of the time and quite stressed about his behaviour the rest of the time.

The point in this is her daughter (who has a really good relationship with her real dad) appears to be lacking in confidence, she has problems with mixing in school and can be reluctant to participate in group playing and conversation with other kids. I believe the reason for this is from your mans moods and witnessing the tension and behaviour in the house, Its my sisters house, she is fully independent and I cannot understand why she puts up with the abuse. She makes excuses for him all of the time about his tough childhood, his father gave him a very difficult time growing up and still does.

personally I think life is too short for this especially when there is a young child witnessing it, you don't know what effect it will have on your daughter, you are responsible for her welfare so if i was you I would walk. Good luck with your decision

ladhrann

OP,

Many commentators have made a link between various levels of alcohol intake and which is more laughable the type of intake. I.E. whiskey, stout etc. Many of us take a drink, some more than others. The difference here is that his behaviour drunk or sober is causing problems.

His whole set of attitudes and responses to you reek of immaturity and disrespect. He is abusive with or without the drink, with or without external factors.

He seems to have a huge inferiority complex mixed with paranoia. He is refusing to engage or communicate with you at all.

BTW I'm a guy and gone through it from the other side (not drink), a person refusing to talk, or engage with you, a person who puts you down and makes you feel bad, IS BAD. You have put in the work to try and make it right and you're getting nothing back.

I hope things work out for you but I think you really need time away from this guy.

MelanieC

Thanks everyne. He really is a good guy, honestly, I'm not just saying that. It's just this one thing he can't control. We talked today and he wants to know what I want him to do. I don't really know how to answer that question. I just want this to stop but I know from experience that it probably won't even if he wants it to coz there's no telling when or why it happens and when it does he can't be talked down.
He is willing to do something if I tell him what i want him to do (short of going to "therapy" which he laughs at) but I'm at aloss as to what will stop this cycle.
Any ideas? What should I tell him i want him to do to fix this??

ellie1

He is willing to do something if I tell him what i want him to do (short of going to "therapy" which he laughs at) but I'm at aloss as to what will stop this cycle.
Any ideas? What should I tell him i want him to do to fix this??

If he cant control his drinking, he has some alcohal dependancy issue.
Is he willing to stop drinking?
He laughs when you suggest he goes to therapy to deal with the underlying issues which cause him to be such a prick when he is drunk.
You shouldnt tell him what you want him to do. He should want to be an equal partner in your relationship and take responsibility for his own behaviour which is having a bad effect on the relationship.

He will say what do you want me to do and when he does it and if he fails, you will be at fault again and the cycle will continue again.. as long as you continue to enable him.

MelanieC

Does anyone think it would be a good idea if I printed all these out and gave them to him to read? I'd like him to really sit down and think about the effect all this is having on us and see outsiders' views and think ok, this many people can't be wrong, there must be something, rather than just be on the defensive with me straight away.
There's a very big chance that it could just make everything worse though, I think he'll be very angry and see it as me only putting across my side of things and villainising him to everyone.
Especially the stuff some people suggested about him becoming physically abusive coz I know he never would. He's not a monster, just his head gets messed up sometimes when he's been drinking and he rants and raves.
I suppose I don't have much left to lose anymore. Should I show him these posts, maybe the penny will drop?

Darlughda

Melanie

Please be very careful. Showing him these posts will only enrage him. You cannot change him, you can only change how you react and deal with this situation. For the sake of yourself and your daughter please google 'signs of emotional abuse' 'warning signs of domestic abuse'. Educate yourself, every woman who has been in this situation has known their partners would never be violent. Many of them are in graveyards now. I am not being sensationalist. This is the reality. Please, for the sake of your daughter keep your internet usage private from him and use it to learn what you need to know. Urgently. now. Please

I'lllearnye

MelanieC wrote: »

Does anyone think it would be a good idea if I printed all these out and gave them to him to read? I'd like him to really sit down and think about the effect all this is having on us and see outsiders' views and think ok, this many people can't be wrong, there must be something, rather than just be on the defensive with me straight away.
There's a very big chance that it could just make everything worse though, I think he'll be very angry and see it as me only putting across my side of things and villainising him to everyone.
Especially the stuff some people suggested about him becoming physically abusive coz I know he never would. He's not a monster, just his head gets messed up sometimes when he's been drinking and he rants and raves.
I suppose I don't have much left to lose anymore. Should I show him these posts, maybe the penny will drop?

Reading this, it's obvious to me that your confidence is at an all time low. Do you really believe a stranger's reponse to the problem is more valid than your response? There's no need to show your partner these.
What you do need to show him however is that YOU will not put up with his behaviour anymore. You will show him that YOU are angry because he has dented your confidence to such an extent that you don't know what to believe anymore. You will show him the YOU have the strength to say 'This is not right and I don't deserve to be treated like this'.
Did you ever imagine when you were a little girl that you were going to end up with an abusive bully? Not many people view that as the traditional happy ending. I'm sure you don't either.

the_dark_side

Leave him. He's an alcoholic. He has an allergic reaction to alcohol. If he has black outs, like you say, then he is not in control of himself when he is drinking. If he is not in control of himself, then you are putting the safety of your child at risk... for what I ask, the dellusion of love that you have.

Some people can take a few drinks regularly and it doesnt have a bad effect on their temperament. Others cant... this person is a time bomb. Leave.

MelanieC

I know, i dreamt of having the perfect relationship (if that even exists) and the thing is, except for this we actually do have a near-perfect relationship.
I didn't mean to make it perhaps sound more dramatic than it is. :oI'm not in danger. He'll sulk and refuse to talk to me if things get too heated but he won't get physical. Like I said, he's not a violent person. I know people are going to say I'm making excuses for him but I'm not, I know he treats me badly on these occasions but I'm just trying to put things into perspective.

I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have any advice on how to improve or fix this one problem area in our relationship rather than just saying "leave"? I know if it doesn't get any better I will end up having to leave but is there anything that can be done before I resort to that? Coz if we could just sort this one thing out, there'd be no more problem and I wouldn't have to leave and everyone's happy.

MelanieC

the_dark_side wrote: »

Leave him. He's an alcoholic. He has an allergic reaction to alcohol. If he has black outs, like you say, then he is not in control of himself when he is drinking. If he is not in control of himself, then you are putting the safety of your child at risk... for what I ask, the dellusion of love that you have.

Some people can take a few drinks regularly and it doesnt have a bad effect on their temperament. Others cant... this person is a time bomb. Leave.

The thing is the dark side, that he quite often can have a few drinks (or more than a few) and it won't have a bad effect on his temprement either. It's not every time,about half the time. So I really don't think he's an alcoholic, i think just sometimes without warning the drink brings out his dark side, excuse the pun.