Cheated - Where's the guilt?

LegacyUser

The fact that I am posting here indicates I feel something, I don't think it is guilt? Randiness maybe?

I (mid 20's) have a partner of 5 years and a kid of 2 years. Not much experience of being with other girls beforehand. Been faithfull until recently. OH had a onetime last hurrah very early in our relationship that bothered me at the time but I never had one.

Few months ago I went on European holiday with some lads. Had a great time for the week. Went out with the lads. Was hit on by girls but fobbed them off.... was proud of my faithfullness. Had thought of the (uncomplicated, low risk) opportunities the holiday might present but had decided beforehand not to take them, too much (OH & kid) to loose etc, and wondering how I could cope with guilt.

Then towards the end of the holiday I gave in. Went back to hotel with this girl, (who was hot but not as hot as OH or some of girls earlier in week) It was like I just got fed up being the good guy and gave in. It was good (perhaps cos different and both keen) Went for a coffee next morning then that was it. Highly unlikely ever meet girl again.

Come back from holidays settled back into life. Didn't feel guilty. OH and I closer.

Now 3 months later I am starting to think about it and thinking "I didn't get caught and didn't feel guilty" so could I do it again. Thinking of the past opportunities I missed out on because was afraid of the guilt. I know though that if I did it again it would be more likely to get found out and world might crash down around me. Also if it happened in Ireland it might not be a one time thing which would be complicated

WTF OH is hot, relationship/friendship and kid are great, and sex life is as good (I presume) as in any long term relationship. And I know it isn't compatable with actions but I love and care for OH

I don't know why posting up here. I don't know what response to expect.
I know I should just cop on and be happy with the good deal life has given me.

VaioCruiser

Waiting wrote: »

I don't know why posting up here. I don't know what response to expect.
I know I should just cop on and be happy with the good deal life has given me.

Hi OP. I think that you said it above.

There is a moral high ground view that will roll in soon. But you are well aware of that I believe.

My attitude is that you did it once, ok. I can see all the reasons and lots of people do exactly what you did.

What you are contemplating now is a whole different kettle of fish. There's a big difference between a one off giving in to passing temptation just to experience it ---- and embarking on a planned act or acts of premeditated cheating on your partner.

I believe that you can see that.

You know, in life we have to chose our priorities and we have to make tough choices that result from those priorities. Happiness is not all about getting everything we want. There is deep satisfaction to be had from denying ourselves one thing while chosing another.

You said it yourself about what you have in your marriage. Do you want to lose it ? do you want to look into your wife's face and see the reaction to what you are contemplating ?

Maybe if you put a little bit of extra effort into reinvigorating your relationship with your wife, some fun night time activities, some dirty weekends away without your child..... it will give you the boost that you need and kill off that nasty temptation that wants to destroy what you have.

All the best.

StopNotWorking

I say just continue taking it all for granted. Should work out for the best.

zainabc

Waiting wrote: »

The fact that I am posting here indicates I feel something, I don't think it is guilt? Randiness maybe?

I (mid 20's) have a partner of 5 years and a kid of 2 years. Not much experience of being with other girls beforehand. Been faithfull until recently. OH had a onetime last hurrah very early in our relationship that bothered me at the time but I never had one.

Few months ago I went on European holiday with some lads. Had a great time for the week. Went out with the lads. Was hit on by girls but fobbed them off.... was proud of my faithfullness. Had thought of the (uncomplicated, low risk) opportunities the holiday might present but had decided beforehand not to take them, too much (OH & kid) to loose etc, and wondering how I could cope with guilt.

Then towards the end of the holiday I gave in. Went back to hotel with this girl, (who was hot but not as hot as OH or some of girls earlier in week) It was like I just got fed up being the good guy and gave in. It was good (perhaps cos different and both keen) Went for a coffee next morning then that was it. Highly unlikely ever meet girl again.

Come back from holidays settled back into life. Didn't feel guilty. OH and I closer.

Now 3 months later I am starting to think about it and thinking "I didn't get caught and didn't feel guilty" so could I do it again. Thinking of the past opportunities I missed out on because was afraid of the guilt. I know though that if I did it again it would be more likely to get found out and world might crash down around me. Also if it happened in Ireland it might not be a one time thing which would be complicated

WTF OH is hot, relationship/friendship and kid are great, and sex life is as good (I presume) as in any long term relationship. And I know it isn't compatable with actions but I love and care for OH

I don't know why posting up here. I don't know what response to expect.
I know I should just cop on and be happy with the good deal life has given me.

i want to help u i feel same im in long term relationship of 7 yrsand im also mid 20s i had been faitful to bt i had one nite ting i am happy wit my oh bt feel the same i need to cop on to myself i hav a reason tho bt i tink im bein selfish i guess try nt to be tempted and maybe itl pass thats my advice hope it was helpful

Silverfish

zainabc, please do not use text speak on this forum. Use your full keyboard, thanks.

iguana

Are you in love with your OH? You talk about how hot she is and how well you get on, but you haven't mentioned love at all.

LegacyUser

been there and done that. Exactly the same situation.
Have been with my o/h for 10 years and have kids. we are happily married and get on great , have a great sex life. never even thought about cheating until it happened one night. Then I waited for the guilt to hit me. It never came. I didnt feel guilty.
Now I wonder should I do it again. I know what I have to lose if I do but the thought is there in my mind. I dont want to be a serial cheater but Its like ive opened a can of worms and there is no going back.

The Corinthian

I'll take the approach that the infidelity is not of the 'underlying problems in the relationship' variety.

Guilt is simply a control mechanism that stops most people doing reckless things. Of course, while doing something risky or reckless in not necessarily a bad idea upon occasion (at least when compared with the alternative of mediocrity), there is a reason that people have developed control mechanisms to limit exposure to risk - in short, play Russian roulette enough times and you're almost guaranteed to get the full chamber.

So, if you don't feel guilt, try to use reason. Assess risk against benefit. lay out your priorities. Don't be reckless just for the sake of it.

~me~

so you don't feel guilty now, think about if someone knew you cheated and was threatening to tell your OH, how would you feel? that should stop you wanting to do anything and if it doesnt then maybe you should leave her cause you'd be better off single.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP. I think that you said it above.

There is a moral high ground view that will roll in soon. But you are well aware of that I believe.

I was the one who was up on the high moral ground until recently. (how they fall)

VaioCruiser wrote: »

What you are contemplating now is a whole different kettle of fish. There's a big difference between a one off giving in to passing temptation just to experience it ---- and embarking on a planned act or acts of premeditated cheating on your partner.

I believe that you can see that.

You know, in life we have to chose our priorities and we have to make tough choices that result from those priorities. Happiness is not all about getting everything we want. There is deep satisfaction to be had from denying ourselves one thing while chosing another.

You said it yourself about what you have in your marriage. Do you want to lose it ? do you want to look into your wife's face and see the reaction to what you are contemplating ?

That helps.
I'm not premeditating wandering again. I normally premeditate how to avoid situations like in encountered on holidays.....like not taking a job because it would involve travel and thus might run into temptations.

Just wondering what it will be like without the fear of guilt and high moral ground to hold over myself. Suppose the thought of not growing old together (and the hurt could cause) will be my new guide.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

Are you in love with your OH? You talk about how hot she is and how well you get on, but you haven't mentioned love at all.

Define love....................?

I care for her, hate seeing her sad or depressed, am happy when she is happy, her smile brightens my day, am physically attracted to her, enjoy her company. I think that is love?

TBH I have spent so much time thinking about that in the past (and maybe even posted on here before) trying to figure out what love is.

I am an emotionally "strange" person in any case.

Xiney

Waiting wrote: »

I know I should just cop on and be happy with the good deal life has given me.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

been there and done that. Exactly the same situation.
Have been with my o/h for 10 years and have kids. we are happily married and get on great , have a great sex life. never even thought about cheating until it happened one night. Then I waited for the guilt to hit me. It never came. I didnt feel guilty.
Now I wonder should I do it again. I know what I have to lose if I do but the thought is there in my mind. I dont want to be a serial cheater but Its like ive opened a can of worms and there is no going back.

It helps to know that I am not the only person. Can relate to can of worms. Suppose I will have to close it somehow. I too know what I have to loose.

A few months ago I would have taken the high moral ground. Can't believe I am in this situation

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

I'll take the approach that the infidelity is not of the 'underlying problems in the relationship' variety.

Guilt is simply a control mechanism that stops most people doing reckless things. Of course, while doing something risky or reckless in not necessarily a bad idea upon occasion (at least when compared with the alternative of mediocrity), there is a reason that people have developed control mechanisms to limit exposure to risk - in short, play Russian roulette enough times and you're almost guaranteed to get the full chamber.

So, if you don't feel guilt, try to use reason. Assess risk against benefit. lay out your priorities. Don't be reckless just for the sake of it.

Thanks

This is what is going through my head. More trying to understand guilt rather than premeditating.

I am planning on using reason but it just feeds into my self image of being "emotionally strange"

A few years back there would have been 'underlying problems in the relationship' but good recently............maybe chance came alone and took it incase underlying problems reoccured.......wtf

The Corinthian

Waiting wrote: »

I am planning on using reason but it just feeds into my self image of being "emotionally strange"

I don't think that being emotionally, ethically or morally one way or another is a black or white thing. Some people feel guilty about the most ridiculous of things. Others feel no guilt no matter how heinous our sins are. Most are somewhere in-between.

You had a fling, which beyond the physical act meant nothing to you. Many would feel guilty with this, but the reality is many would not. Nothing strange about it - if we all thought the same way we wouldn't have politics, after all.

What matters is how you deal with the bigger picture - not with pointless soul-searching on something that you frankly will not find an answer for.

LegacyUser

It always surprises me when I read about the number of so called perfect relationships that has one partner cheating (or sometimes both). It can't be that common, can it?

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

It always surprises me when I read about the number of so called perfect relationships that has one partner cheating (or sometimes both). It can't be that common, can it?

Well I for one hope not. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than have a husband who would cheat on me. And not only that, but not even feel remorse for it? The thought terrifies me tbh. I mean, wtf is the point in getting married?!

The Corinthian

Trí wrote: »

I mean, wtf is the point in getting married?!

Ahh... that's another can of worms...

Wurly

The Corinthian wrote: »

Ahh... that's another can of worms...

True, it is. But I just feel - you choose to get married to the other person. Marraige is supposed to be about commitment and fidelity. I just think it's so sad that in some cases, marraige means nothing anymore. If you aren't going to stay faithful, then fine. But don't get bloody married.

Also, what makes this worse is that there is a child involved. His wife carried his child and gave birth to it. And he goes on a holiday and cheats on her?

People can say i'm taking the moral highground etc etc. But I would be absolutely crushed if my husband did this to me. Especially after me having his child.

I cannot believe the OP has no guilt over this. That's just my 2c.

LegacyUser

This sort of thing is bizarre but I do trust my OH. But when I say that it just reminds me of all the people saying the same thing on this forum and going out and cheating on their OH. If you want to be with someone else, do the decent thing and break it off beforehand.

LegacyUser

Trí wrote: »

Well I for one hope not. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than have a husband who would cheat on me. And not only that, but not even feel remorse for it? The thought terrifies me tbh. I mean, wtf is the point in getting married?!

People generally dont get married with the intention of cheating a few years down the line.
I would say it actually happens for a lot of people the way it happened for the op. The opportunity arises and you finally just give in to the temptation. After having avoiding it for years. It comes from out of the blue with no premeditation.
I knew there would be people on here with the moral high ground. I nearly would have been the same last year.
And also I think so many more people do this than you might realise. No one is going to go around shouting about it.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

People generally dont get married with the intention of cheating a few years down the line.
I would say it actually happens for a lot of people the way it happened for the op. The opportunity arises and you finally just give in to the temptation. After having avoiding it for years. It comes from out of the blue with no premeditation.
I knew there would be people on here with the moral high ground. I nearly would have been the same last year.
And also I think so many more people do this than you might realise. No one is going to go around shouting about it.

Yeah. I agree with all you've said. I'm just saying I find the whole thing terrifying. That things can change so much to the degree of cheating.

Thing is - would it not be better to just end the marraige, rather than keep quiet? Like, if you knew you were gonna cheat one day.. At least your partner could find someone else, rather than be strung along thinking they're in a loving and committed marriage.

I have never cheated on someone before. I have been cheated on though. Maybe that's why my opinions are strong on the subject. I can't see myself cheating in the future.

I respect what you've said. And I agree - I am taking the moral high ground. But only because I believe that cheating is in fact morally wrong.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

People generally dont get married with the intention of cheating a few years down the line.
I would say it actually happens for a lot of people the way it happened for the op. The opportunity arises and you finally just give in to the temptation. After having avoiding it for years. It comes from out of the blue with no premeditation.
I knew there would be people on here with the moral high ground. I nearly would have been the same last year.
And also I think so many more people do this than you might realise. No one is going to go around shouting about it.

I would agree with this. I would say in my experience anyway that many more would cheat after years together if they knew they could get away with it, either as a once off or an actual affair. Men and women.

Trying to be objective here I would say to the OP there's a whole heap of difference between a one off and kicking off a new lifestyle affair kinda thing, now you're back home. I know a woman who is with her guy for nigh on 10 years and I know she had a one night fling on a biz trip 5 odd years ago. She didn't feel that guilty and felt for her own reasons she needed to get it "out of her system", but she did feel fear that she could lose her BF if she did it again. So she never did.

If I was on the receiving end of this? I dunno, if I loved her I would try to get past it and try to figure out what if anything was wrong with us as a couple TBH. A one off anyway. Second time she would be gone so fast she would get whiplash.

SarahSassy

But why would you deliberately make little of her behind her back? She doesnt deserve it and its purely for selfish reasons. Its the thrill of the chase or the attempt not to get caught.... Not good enough in my book.

BraziliaNZ

You'd be surprised the amount of men who get married because they get pressured into it by their girlfriends. Most of my male friends in LTRs don't really care about the wedding or marriage thing, but have resigned to the fact that they'll have to do it sooner or later, to keep "her" happy.
Well if you feel no guilt, don't worry about it. You need to decide whether you will be happy with this girl for the rest of your life though, or if you want to go whoring around the place for a while, or find someone else.

The Corinthian

Trí wrote: »

True, it is. But I just feel - you choose to get married to the other person. Marraige is supposed to be about commitment and fidelity. I just think it's so sad that in some cases, marraige means nothing anymore. If you aren't going to stay faithful, then fine. But don't get bloody married.

I hate to burst your bubble, but infidelity in marriage is nothing new. In fact, that it is not tolerated is the new thing - in the past it was something that was politely ignored as long as it was discrete.

The OP has an issue in that he feels he could cheat again and there is nothing stopping him. The moral high ground is not going to stop him, that is clear and so I suggested reason. If a man or woman cheats once, then (unless they are complete morons) they are very unlikely to be caught. But if they roll the dice over an over again, all those unlikely chances will add up - especially if you are talking about an affair.

The moral argument - or indignation - is frankly a waste of breath here. It's irrelevant.

partyguinness

One of the questions you have to ask yourself is:

"What would the g/friend think/react if she found out?"

Are you ready to deal with that?

A case of "Dont the crime if you cant do the time".

LauraLoo

maybe you dont feel guilty as she cheated on you before so somewhere inside you feel like it was owed to you. but that doesnt mean that the guilt wont hit you another time or in later years. Sometimes if we get a shock our feelings become numb. If cheating isnt in your esential nature you could very well be in emotional shock and simply not feel anything right now... but once your body processes the experience, your emotions will follow.

we shouldnt not cheat to avoid guilt. when we are in a committed partnership we shouldnt want to cheat. but sometimes, as its human nature, we want a new fresh and exciting experience.

You mentioned you were "the moral highground" before this encounter. Maybe after so long of suppression due to morals this can of worms is even more tempting.

Maybe, instead of cheating again, you could bring in some "excitement" to your relationship. Talk about some new sexual experiences with your OH and see if she is open to exploring new things. i have heard of different role playing experiences fullfilling desires. i.e. acting out a one night stand with each other (the karma sutra goes into this in more details)

Wurly

The Corinthian wrote: »

I hate to burst your bubble, but infidelity in marriage is nothing new. In fact, that it is not tolerated is the new thing - in the past it was something that was politely ignored as long as it was discrete.

The OP has an issue in that he feels he could cheat again and there is nothing stopping him. The moral high ground is not going to stop him, that is clear and so I suggested reason. If a man or woman cheats once, then (unless they are complete morons) they are very unlikely to be caught. But if they roll the dice over an over again, all those unlikely chances will add up - especially if you are talking about an affair.

The moral argument - or indignation - is frankly a waste of breath here. It's irrelevant.

I am well aware that it goes on and so am not in a bubble. I was giving my opinion. And I stand by that opinion.

My reasoning for bringing it up was to give the OP an insight as to how his wife may feel if she knew about his infidelity. It is entirely possible that he is not thinking about her at this moment in time. Rather, he is thinking of himself and how the situation is affecting him. If he thought more about how his wife would feel, it may bring on 'guilt' or whatever. Then, he may realise that he doesn't want her to feel that way at the hands of him. And so - he wouldn't want to do it again.

I think the 'moral high ground' is entirely relevant here tbh. Cheating is wrong - end of.

The Corinthian

partyguinness wrote: »

A case of "Dont the crime if you cant do the time".

LOL. By that logic we should never take any risks if the stakes are potentially, however improbably, too high - never cross a street, even at a zebra crossing, as there is always a chance a car will knock you over, however small.

LauraLoo wrote: »

Maybe, instead of cheating again, you could bring in some "excitement" to your relationship. Talk about some new sexual experiences with your OH and see if she is open to exploring new things. i have heard of different role playing experiences fullfilling desires. i.e. acting out a one night stand with each other (the karma sutra goes into this in more details)

Good advice.

Trí wrote: »

My reasoning for bringing it up was to give the OP an insight as to how his wife may feel if she knew about his infidelity. It is entirely possible that he is not thinking about her at this moment in time. Rather, he is thinking of himself and how the situation is affecting him. If he thought more about how his wife would feel, it may bring on 'guilt' or whatever. Then, he may realise that he doesn't want her to feel that way at the hands of him. And so - he wouldn't want to do it again.

Doesn't work that way. An animal rights activist can ask me all they want "how do you think the cow feels", but if I don't feel guilty about eating a burger now, I won't even after such a revelation. Unfortunately, you're confusing moral indignation (which makes you feel better) with practical advice (which is of practical use to the OP and may or equally may not make him feel better).

I think the 'moral high ground' is entirely relevant here tbh. Cheating is wrong - end of.

Yeah. Great, that's sure to convince the OP. Thanks for your opinion and hope you feel better.

LegacyUser

Trí wrote: »

True, it is. But I just feel - you choose to get married to the other person. Marraige is supposed to be about commitment and fidelity. I just think it's so sad that in some cases, marraige means nothing anymore. If you aren't going to stay faithful, then fine. But don't get bloody married.

Also, what makes this worse is that there is a child involved. His wife carried his child and gave birth to it. And he goes on a holiday and cheats on her?

People can say i'm taking the moral highground etc etc. But I would be absolutely crushed if my husband did this to me. Especially after me having his child.

I cannot believe the OP has no guilt over this. That's just my 2c.

Points taken about marriage, I would have had same view until this happened.
As someone else said it is not like I got married with the intention of cheating.......in fact completely the opposite...........I have always gone out of my way to avoid situations developing where it could be possible....... up until the last night of my holiday I would quickly kill any conversation and go back to my friends..... then out of the blue I did it.. I can't undo it.

But I am wondering on how to make sure it doesn't happen again..........like i said I no longer have the "high moral ground" or the fear of guilt (which made it easier to be faithful) I think Corinthian's suggestion of "reason" will do it.........especially as regards affair..........but what about if another random opportunity occured in the future where I could reason that I would probabley get away with it??????

I know she would be crushed. And I am thinking of her and how to reign in my thoughts and potential actions so that it all doesn't go to sh*t. Maybe I am on here to try to "develop" guilt?????


BTW She carried OUR child, I hate this "she had a baby for him" attitiude