How do I break up with the love of my life?

LegacyUser

It has just come to light that my OH and I want different things out of life namely kids. I do and he doesnt. We are living together, had discussed it but he has changed his mind... The way things have been going I know I cant live with it but I love him so much.. He is so nice on a day to day basis but the way he is planning on living his life seems all onesided (other things as well as the kids issue).

It is upsetting me so much it is making me so stressed. I wish there could be common ground but I dont see it and I do resent him for changing his mind with regard the kids issue.

How do I make a final decision, knowing I love him so much and that our day to day life is so perfect. How do I say away when I love him so much?

Kimia

Because your happiness should be more important to you than his.

I mean that in the nicest possible way OP. Fundamentally, that's the way it should be. You can't compromise on something like this because if you do you are giving up too much and you will resent him eventually for this.

The only way you'll ever break up with someone who is the love of your life is (however unbelievably horrible and heartbreaking it is) is to remember that to be with him (not wanting kids) is to not be yourself, and for me, that's something I would not be able to do, no matter how much I loved him.

pikachucheeks

I totally agree with Kimia.

At the end of the day, it comes down to this question : Who do you love more; you or him?

Fundamentally, if you both want different things from life, the relationship can't work as one or both of you will remain unhappy.

If you stay in the relationship, you'll be unhappy as he doesn't want to have children and you do. This is clearly upsetting you and will continue to upset you. He might then feel pressured and he'll be unhappy as well.

I wouldn't recommend staying in the relationship, hoping he'll "come around" or "change his mind", as if this doesn't happen, you'll be heartbroken. There'll also be an under-lying ticking clock that will no doubt cause him a lot of stress and strain.

You need to think of yourself as an independent person, rather than one half of a relationship! - what do YOU want from life?
If he isn't able to provide the things that will make you happy, then the relationship does have to end, for both your sakes. That might sound cruel, but it's the truth.

Terodil

pikachucheeks wrote: »

At the end of the day, it comes down to this question : Who do you love more; you or him?

Fundamentally, if you both want different things from life, the relationship can't work as one or both of you will remain unhappy.

Let me disagree here.

1. Saying that you should always come first in a relationship is painting the relationship much flatter than it usually is. The flaw in this kind of simplistic utilitarian view is that it doesn't allow for recursive connections: Your happiness should, can, and will be based on the other's and the other way round.

2. A basic rule of conflict resolution is that you need to look at interests, not positions or even people. Reducing it to a 'you or me' question is going into the fundamentally wrong direction. Why did he have a change of heart? What does he expect from life? Why do you want kids so much? What does he, what do you want from life? What do you both not want? And most importantly, when do you want it? And once you've established that, is there some kind of compromise?

To me it's clear that the OP loves her bf very much. She would cut one of her hands off, as it were, to save the other. Hardly a beneficial outcome, and suggesting she go this way without pointing out the dangers is doubtful.

So before you turn this into a 'him or me' question, OP, please reconsider and put *everything* regarding the questions in 2. onto the table.

- Do you want to give up a loving relationship, the chance of growing old together with a great partner (at least that's what I read from your post) for the potential joys of having kids, at the possible cost of ending up in a brittle relationship that falters as physical attraction fails?

- Kids are not always pure joy either. It is certain that your life will change fundamentally; you'll give up most of your freedom. It's quite probable that the kids may turn out to not be the paradise you imagined them to be (beware the 'the grass is greener' syndrome in this context). Kids can be a terrible drain and turn out to be horrible, no matter how good your education or upbringing. I'm speaking from personal experience here.

I think these are the two fundamental questions that you have to trade off. It's not a simple him-or-you question. Of course you may find another partner that is just as loving as your current one, but the word 'may' is the operative one. Given how important this choice is for you, I'd like to suggest some counselling, OP. Get somebody professional to help you sort your thoughts out.

cnocbui

OP. Just imagine yourself at the age of 60 looking back at a life without kids. How that feels in your imagination should tell you what course to take.

rubayat

cnocbui wrote: »

OP. Just imagine yourself at the age of 60 looking back at a life without kids. How that feels in your imagination should tell you what course to take.

I will second that!

Things are ok now but as life ticks by and you have no kids ,no family of your own and no grandkids to look forward to it will be a regret you will have forever!

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so far...

He has a kid from a previous relationship and doesnt get to see him as often as he would like. He is 46 and I am 38. He has recently made a massive career jump and needs flexibility where he lives to make it work. All his reasons are good but it doesnt change where I stand. he holds all the cards and should have known his own mind before now..

He treats me so well and I love him SO much and we could have a very nice life. I dont know if I leave him how long it will take me to get over him, ages I would imagine, and then do I go back out and try to meet someone in time for me to have kids... I dont want anyone else but I am so annoyed that I am in this place right now. I understand where he i coming from but am so hurt cos I am stuck in this hole.

Oh The Humanity

I dont buy that he changed his mind. I think he knew all along and he has chosen to reveal it now that he knows you are in too deep and stuck like a butterfly on a pin.

He has pulled a fast one on you. The career flexibility thing is just not a good enough reason to deprive the woman you are supposed to love of her last chance at a natural child.

I dont see why his wishes should supercede yours. I think he has led you on quite deliberately to a stage where there is really no going back and now you have Sophies choice.

Put that to him.

LegacyUser

I have and he swears he didnt do that. He says he thought he could do it til push came to shove....

weird

Terodil wrote: »

Let me disagree here.

1. Saying that you should always come first in a relationship is painting the relationship much flatter than it usually is. The flaw in this kind of simplistic utilitarian view is that it doesn't allow for recursive connections: Your happiness should, can, and will be based on the other's and the other way round.

2. A basic rule of conflict resolution is that you need to look at interests, not positions or even people. Reducing it to a 'you or me' question is going into the fundamentally wrong direction. Why did he have a change of heart? What does he expect from life? Why do you want kids so much? What does he, what do you want from life? What do you both not want? And most importantly, when do you want it? And once you've established that, is there some kind of compromise?

To me it's clear that the OP loves her bf very much. She would cut one of her hands off, as it were, to save the other. Hardly a beneficial outcome, and suggesting she go this way without pointing out the dangers is doubtful.

So before you turn this into a 'him or me' question, OP, please reconsider and put *everything* regarding the questions in 2. onto the table.

- Do you want to give up a loving relationship, the chance of growing old together with a great partner (at least that's what I read from your post) for the potential joys of having kids, at the possible cost of ending up in a brittle relationship that falters as physical attraction fails?

- Kids are not always pure joy either. It is certain that your life will change fundamentally; you'll give up most of your freedom. It's quite probable that the kids may turn out to not be the paradise you imagined them to be (beware the 'the grass is greener' syndrome in this context). Kids can be a terrible drain and turn out to be horrible, no matter how good your education or upbringing. I'm speaking from personal experience here.

I think these are the two fundamental questions that you have to trade off. It's not a simple him-or-you question. Of course you may find another partner that is just as loving as your current one, but the word 'may' is the operative one. Given how important this choice is for you, I'd like to suggest some counselling, OP. Get somebody professional to help you sort your thoughts out.

Really good advice!

weird

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thanks so far...

He has a kid from a previous relationship and doesnt get to see him as often as he would like. He is 46 and I am 38. He has recently made a massive career jump and needs flexibility where he lives to make it work. All his reasons are good but it doesnt change where I stand. he holds all the cards and should have known his own mind before now..

He treats me so well and I love him SO much and we could have a very nice life. I dont know if I leave him how long it will take me to get over him, ages I would imagine, and then do I go back out and try to meet someone in time for me to have kids... I dont want anyone else but I am so annoyed that I am in this place right now. I understand where he i coming from but am so hurt cos I am stuck in this hole.

Wow, I am not trying be mean here but you're 38 and more importantly he is 46 isn't that a bit too late in life to be having kids? This seems kind of unrealistic to me.

Oh The Humanity

Broken HEart wrote: »

I have and he swears he didnt do that. He says he thought he could do it til push came to shove....

Well, you know....he may not even have done it consciously.

He's been a father before so he knew what would be involved 'when push came to shove' -so thats a bit lame really. I am not saying he did it in a malicious way, he is probably half unconscious about it, justifying it to himself in whatever ways made him feel ok about it.

You will get men who wait until after the woman is trapped to announce they dont want kids just as you will get women who will 'accidentally' fall pregnant with a reluctant partner.

These are the unconscious games the sexes play against each other. Its a battle of different desires in life. If all was fair neither sex would manipulate the other, but in reality it is common.

Your back is against the wall here. You dont have time to break up, be single for a year or two meet someone else, be with them 2 or 3 years and start talking kids again.

He can't plead 'I thought I would be able to and now I cant'
It was all discussed, now he 'changes his mind'

Not good enough !
Thats just pi$$ weak in the circumstances. He is going on about his job etc, what about your needs?

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Your back is against the wall here. You dont have time to break up, be single for a year or two meet someone else, be with them 2 or 3 years and start talking kids again.

This is where the issue is... I dont have the time to try to meet someone nice to have a family with. Anyway I want(ed) it with him. They why's or why nots dont really matter now.. The fact is I dont know how to leave him or if I should.

Oh The Humanity

Broken Heart wrote: »

This is where the issue is... I dont have the time to try to meet someone nice to have a family with. Anyway I want(ed) it with him. They why's or why nots dont really matter now.. The fact is I dont know how to leave him or if I should.

I hear you and sadly no-one can make the decision but you. I feel that you will grow to resent him over the coming year or two if you remain as birthday after birthday ticks by and the reality sinks in.

I know its a big thing to have a child with someone, that is why he should have very explicitly examined and explored his feelings a long time before now and not led you on like this.

My heart goes out to you OP.

iguana

Sorry if this sounds mean, but how do you see things going if you do split up? You are 38 now so your fertility is past it's peak. If you take time to heal from this relationship and meet someone new who you want to have a family with you will possibly be 40 or more by the time you try to conceive at which point you may never succeed in getting pregnant. At your age the odds of you having a baby are already lowered and the get lower every month.

If you split up would you be doing so with the determination of getting pregnant immediately by having unprotected one night stands or through artificial insemination? If that's on your mind are you prepared for being a single parent? Or to face failed attempts or miscarriage on your own?

I'm not saying that you should stay in a relationship you are fundamentally unhappy in. And I do think that for a lot of people the desire to have babies is stronger than the love we feel for a partner, which is natural as procreation is an evolutionary imperative, while monogamy may not be. But it is worth considering that ending this relationship is not necessarily going to mean that you will be able to have children.

weird

weird wrote: »

Wow, I am not trying be mean here but you're 38 and more importantly he is 46 isn't that a bit too late in life to be having kids? This seems kind of unrealistic to me.

Uhm...My Mum was 40 when she had me..
In answer to your question Definitely NOT.

weird

Deleted User wrote: »

Uhm...My Mum was 40 when she had me..
In answer to your question Definitely NOT.

So when you were 20, she was 60, more like a grandmother's age. Also, your man is 46 ffs does he really wan tto be dealing with a 10 year old at age 56?

weird

sunflower27 wrote: »

Women can have children on their own. There is nothing to say OP that you can't be a single parent. I know it's probably not what you want, but it's an option, and being a single parent doesnt mean you will be alone forever. I have a good few friends that are single parents and in very happy, fulfilling relationships with men that are not their children's fathers.

yeah, she can can have a child without a partner, but it's not ideal. You can drive a car with your feet if you had to but it's not recommended.

Children need a mom and a dad.

Terodil

iguana wrote: »

But it is worth considering that ending this relationship is not necessarily going to mean that you will be able to have children.

... or be happy with whatever 'sperm donor' the OP comes across with. I agree, Iguana.

I know, OP, that you're not looking at it that way, not all the time at least, but some of the advice on this thread certainly feels like that. I'm really, genuinely surprised that the need for progeny is so overbearing that you would consider tossing a perfectly good relationship out of the window just to make sure that your genetic material survives for one more generation. Because as I pointed out before, a kid is no guarantee for happiness, not at all! Are you sure you're not swooning over some kind of illusion of your future self here? [1]

I decided to take another look at your OP right now, and it strikes me that in fact, you may not be happy in your relationship. You say that he's looking at a lot of things in a very one-sided way. What do you mean? Is he being egocentric? Deep, deep down, you will know the truth: Are you happy with him, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Leave kids out of the equation, it's not fair on anybody involved, least of all the kids. They won't be able to repair a damaged relationship, and they're not required to sustain a happy relationship. If anything at all, they're a stress test.

---
[1] P.S. sorry if I'm coming across as harsh now but... don't give me that 'biological need' crap. If that were true, I'd have to run around jumping as many women as I possibly could just so I could maximise the probability of my gene pool surviving. We've well transcended that point long, long ago.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am very much in the same situation as you. I am 39, my boyfriend and I discussed it all and now he is fumbling and bumbling when it comes down to the nitty gritty. I am also facing the choice of facing up to living with someone who I feel has deceived me. I wont leave him because I dont want a baby at any cost, but there is resentment there now that he could have done this to me.

You can get your FSH and progesterone levels checked with a few simple blood tests at the doc. I did and my results came in perfect, I had the same levels of fertility as a woman in her 20's.

Its so hard to read in magazines and tv and hear everyone telling you how hard it is and how your fertility declines month on month. My God -when people lecture you as if you are not already PAINFULLY AWARE! Its CRUEL !!

Still though I am not going to leave him as I dont just want any child, I wanted his. I can understand its a come down from planning a family with someone you love to suddenly being cast loose on your own being told to get busy with the turkey baster. No way.

Its such a painful place to be in. I dont think men understand what they put us through with giving us false hope and then taking it away. Its devastating.

weird

weird wrote: »

So when you were 20, she was 60, more like a grandmother's age.

Yes she was and got on fine thanks.

Also, your man is 46 ffs does he really wan tto be dealing with a 10 year old at age 56?

Well wait for it my dad was in his 50's when I was born.
He helped me with my home work,taught me how to drive,had lunch in the UCD canteen etc etc etc.

Honestly - Sometimes I worry about the here and now attitude displayed in a post like yours.

It's perfectly possible to have hopes and dreams in your late 30's towards a family and have a plan touch wood right through to your 80's.

Terodil

sunflower27 wrote: »

So a single woman in her late 30s should just accept that children are not for her because she doesnt have a bf/is married?

Where was that even suggested? Did I miss something?

The Recliner

This thread is veering off topic. Please keep it relevant to the OP

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for your comments. I happen to agree with most of them and they have all crossed my mind.. I know I am getting on.. I am fully aware of this but I made my point to him early that I would like to have kids...

I have no intention of tricking him or anyone else to have a child. Its the biggest compliment I could give him that I want to have his kid. Its because its him I want a child not just to have one...

We are together just over a year.. It was all very easy at the start but he seems to have huge committment issues now. Saying he want to be with me forever but then he changes his mind on this and is not sure now if he ever wants to get married. He said I am pressurising him and I cant change how he feels but i just want to know whats on the table or not.

We would have a lovely life but on his terms re kids and marriage... I just dont know what to do. There are pro's and cons for all actions and at the end of the day the only one I have to worry about is myself (him separately).

I know having kids is a lottery and may never happen with anyone.. I think what hurt the most is that he told me he feels pressurised. I am insulted by that. Can I not ask him whats what????

Oh The Humanity

I think what hurt the most is that he told me he feels pressurised. I am insulted by that. Can I not ask him whats what????

Of course you are entitled. He is being disingenuous. I think women are damned if they do, damned if they dont to be honest.

If you are up front early (as you need to be at your age as society never tires of ramming down your throat) you will be accused of pressuring him.

If you keep your counsel until he is 'ready' (never) then you will have played yourself and let him string you along while you wait patiently for nothing.

It doesn't solve your problems but if he accuses you of pressuring him, remind him in no uncertain terms that he moved the goalposts on you and that is foul play in anyones book.

He chose to enter into a relationship with a childless woman in her late 30's, any fool knows what that means so dont let him play the ingenue.

But like you said before, the whys and wherefores are all beside the point now......

Broken Heart

Broken Heart wrote: »

Thanks to all for your comments. I happen to agree with most of them and they have all crossed my mind.. I know I am getting on.. I am fully aware of this but I made my point to him early that I would like to have kids...

Early on is only within the last 12 months though.Thats a very very short space of time.I got the impression from your earlier posts that the 2 of you were going out with years and that after putting in all that time with him,he has now dropped a bombshell.
You now tell us this has all transpired in a matter of months.Thats put a whole new complexion on this which I will get to in a minute.

We are together just over a year.. It was all very easy at the start but he seems to have huge committment issues now. Saying he want to be with me forever but then he changes his mind on this and is not sure now if he ever wants to get married. He said I am pressurising him and I cant change how he feels but i just want to know whats on the table or not.

To be blatantly honest with you , the 1st 6 months were early days in yours or anyones relationship.
You are talking about marriage after only a year and by the sounds of things were talking about it several months ago which would have been like only 6 months into the relationship?
Your blokes misgivings are very understandable in that light to be honest.
He's not in the same headspace as you at all on this I'd imagine and never was possibly.

We would have a lovely life but on his terms re kids and marriage... I just dont know what to do. There are pro's and cons for all actions and at the end of the day the only one I have to worry about is myself (him separately).

This may sound blunt but if you are only with him a year,I'd take a step back if I were you and be certain of what it is you really do want.
Theres a danger that if you were talking babies and marriage after only 6 months that you are besotted and not thinking clearly at all yourself.
How well do you really know him is what you need to ask.

I know having kids is a lottery and may never happen with anyone.. I think what hurt the most is that he told me he feels pressurised. I am insulted by that. Can I not ask him whats what????

As I said,theres a danger that you are a lot more vested in this relationship than he is.
that and the danger that you have allowed your judgement and gut instincts to be clouded by the rush you had in the last year by being with him.
Be carefull,talk to some one close you trust and be sure of what it is you want.

LegacyUser

The guy is 46 and only going out with the op a year and is being quizzed on wheither he will commit to children or not, tbf it does sound like a fairly pressurised situation, I appreciate that the op needs to act quick but the guy is well within his rights to decide at his age that commiting to children for the next twenty years is not for him.

Im in my late twenties my father is 49 with all 3 of his children now out of the house and living their own lives, and he has a great life because of the time it affords him. Realistically at 50 you have 15 years when you can expect good health and the ability to do the things you want to do yourself and generally enjoy life, I can completely understand not wanting to pass on that and be dealing with children and the restrictions on your life as a result.

If the op does love her bf then imo she would be better off staying with him and accepting that she may have missed the boat on the children issue.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Realistically at 50 you have 15 years when you can expect good health and the ability to do the things you want to do yourself and generally enjoy life, I can completely understand not wanting to pass on that and be dealing with children and the restrictions on your life as a result.

While I'm here I may aswell speak again for the people who don't think like that.
Sure lots marry young and will have their 60's to twilight travel the world in early retirement but each their own.
It's possible actually that the op's bf because he already has a child doesnt have that priority any more.
It's also possible that he doesn't want another committment.

If the op does love her bf then imo she would be better off staying with him and accepting that she may have missed the boat on the children issue.

Though the op has said it's just this guy that is making her feel like she wants his child,it's a strong subconscious urge to want to re produce and my opinion on what she has told us so far is that her besottment with this man is clouding that for her.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

As I said,theres a danger that you are a lot more vested in this relationship than he is.
that and the danger that you have allowed your judgement and gut instincts to be clouded by the rush you had in the last year by being with him.
Be carefull,talk to some one close you trust and be sure of what it is you want.

I know it seems like I am the one rushing it but he was the one asking me in month 2 or 3 what I wanted out of life and I told him. He rushed the relationship and we were genuinely happy. He was the one making plans for our lives and where we would live when retired etc and I bought into it. I did becuase I thought what he was saying was what he wanted. Even yesterday he admitted he wants us to grow old together...

I was single for many years before meeting him cos I would rather be single than with the wrong man. I held back and followed his lead and double checked everything he said re kids and marriage. I dont want this now - I just wanted to know what was on the table. I do see where you are coming from but he asked me to live with him. He introdued me to his family and kid and I believed it all.

I stood by him when he had very tough times and didnt jump the boat until I asked what was what....

I can see that he can feel this but why keep talking about when he retires, where we will live etc but at the same time I am pressurising him re marriage...

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Though the op has said it's just this guy that is making her feel like she wants his child,it's a strong subconscious urge to want to re produce and my opinion on what she has told us so far is that her besottment with this man is clouding that for her.

What I mean by that is that I am not going to go out (if single) and get knocked up by some randomer after Copper Face Jacks in order to have a kid. I wont be going down the solo adoption route or artificial insemination. I would love to have a mini-him. Thats all. Besotted yes but also getting my eyes sharply opened.

CDfm

weird wrote: »

Wow, I am not trying be mean here but you're 38 and more importantly he is 46 isn't that a bit too late in life to be having kids? This seems kind of unrealistic to me.

+1 I really agree here and thats not saying its impossible but running around with a 5 year old at 50 plus is more grandfather territory.

I mean you have talked about where to live in retirement.

Can you accept what you have or is the baby/child need too much.

Right so we've established that he see's you as his lifes partner?

To be honest,we the posters cannot walk in your shoes other than give you guideline opinions/advice.

I find this whole thing suspect,I mean opinions chopping and changing in a matter of months when there has only been months to the relationship in the first place.

You'd be better off by far now I think,to go get someone close that you trust and pour out whats been going on and whats been said.
Show them this thread so as to articulate some of what we have been saying and take it from there.

You don't have to settle down with this guy ,you know.
I mean,I'm thinking that despite your several chats and with the chopping and changing ,that you don't really know him at all.
My final piece of advice is the same as my previous post.
Take a long hard deep look at this Lady before you go making any more mistakes.

LegacyUser

I dont blame you for being confused, he is giving you very mixed messages here.

My boyfriend is doing the same. Pointing to babies on the telly going 'Ahhhhhhhhh', dotes on my nephew and nieces, goes out of his way to tell me after we were babysitting the other day how his friend was slagging him on the phone saying we were just getting practice in etc

All his friends and my friends and both our families are led to believe BY HIM that we are going to announce our news any day.

But when it comes down to it he does nothing. I just dont know why men go on like this.
I think they are all talk and when it comes time to put their money where their mouth is they rear up.

I despair of men sometimes I really do. Total double standards, if a woman was to trap a man into a relationship and then move the goalposts about something important she is called all the manipulative b1tches under the sun.

But if a man does it, its the womans fault for 'pressuring him' -even though they agreed a course of action by mutual discussion. And I dont mean the woman dictating while the man sits like a nodding dog, I mean actual plans and ideas and talk coming from the man that is totally opposite to his actions.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I find this whole thing suspect,I mean opinions chopping and changing in a matter of months when there has only been months to the relationship in the first place.

Why is it suspect?

I thought it was natural to talk about what you want in a relatioship before you get in too deep...

I just cant reconcile the guy who says he wants me for the rest of his days but yet he changes his mind about this.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont blame you for being confused, he is giving you very mixed messages here.

But when it comes down to it he does nothing. I just dont know why men go on like this.
I think they are all talk and when it comes time to put their money where their mouth is they rear up.

I despair of men sometimes I really do. Total double standards,

Sorry but finances are really important to this and how do you handle all this.

There are several due dillegence tests on line on partners and children etc and if anyone wants one click here http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_dilligence.html

Dont be put off by the source its quite extensive and you can amend the questionaire to both genders and your situation.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Sorry but finances are really important to this and how do you handle all this.

I am not OP, I was just empathising with her. When I mentioned 'men putting their money where thier mouth is' I meant it figuratively not literally.

Broken Heart

Broken Heart wrote: »

Why is it suspect?

I thought it was natural to talk about what you want in a relatioship before you get in too deep...

I just cant reconcile the guy who says he wants me for the rest of his days but yet he changes his mind about this.

Suspect is not the word I wanted to use.
Circumspect was the word I wanted to use.

You've said it yourself in your last line there.
I/we have just fleshed that out a bit more for you.

You really really do have to think about this much more than you have been doing.
Oh and Remember-lifes there for enjoying too.
Try to think of the best choices you make as being tied in with what would make you enjoy it the most,what would make you fullfilled in other words.

If that means moving on-so be it - consider it another lesson chalked up.
The day we stop making mistakes is the day we have died to be honest so don't worry if you decide to move on.

iguana

Broken Heart wrote: »

What I mean by that is that I am not going to go out (if single) and get knocked up by some randomer after Copper Face Jacks in order to have a kid. I wont be going down the solo adoption route or artificial insemination. I would love to have a mini-him. Thats all. Besotted yes but also getting my eyes sharply opened.

If you don't want to be a single parent and don't believe you have time to start a new relationship to have a baby within (which you possibly don't, unfortunately) why are you considering ending the relationship? The options you have, that you want to take, are to be childless with him or childless alone. I can completely understand ending a year long relationship with someone you love because you want fundamentally different things from life. But ending the relationship when you don't plan on pursuing the life you want is a different matter entirely.

Be completely honest with yourself, are you considering leaving him in the hope of him realising he doesn't want to lose you and changing his mind?

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

Be completely honest with yourself, are you considering leaving him in the hope of him realising he doesn't want to lose you and changing his mind?

Absolutely not - 100% sure that wont happen. As I said above, I dont believe in trickery. I am just sad that it didnt happen organically and I am sad that he didnt think before he talked a year ago...

CDfm

Broken Heart wrote: »

Absolutely not - 100% sure that wont happen. As I said above, I dont believe in trickery. I am just sad that it didnt happen organically and I am sad that he didnt think before he talked a year ago...

I doubt that its trickery but in the cold light of day when he reflected on kids maybe the potential for something going wrong was too much.

Similarily you were happy with childfree and single and didnt "need" a child until you got together with him.

Do you mind me asking how are you both fixed homewise jobwise and financially for children.

CDfm

CDfm wrote: »

I doubt that its trickery but in the cold light of day when he reflected on kids maybe the potential for something going wrong was too much.

I'd go deeper and suggest the other possibility that since he has a child,he's fulfilled that ambition.
That does tend to weaken the male parenting urge a bit especially when you are heading for 50.

People that age that I know anyhow don't think like you've suggested.
It may be a common idea enough for someone in their 20's in 2009 to be thinking that thye would think like that in their 40's alright but thats not to say they'd think it when they do get to their 40's.
I actually know plenty of people having kids aged mid 30's to mid 40's.
Nature allows it for a reason

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Do you mind me asking how are you both fixed homewise jobwise and financially for children.

Fine but he works away a lot over the summer and this is another issue for him. He cant see his son all the time and doesnt want to be a distant Dad again. I understand it but he is looking for new jobs so we can be closer and realistically another year will have him sorted. Both have permanent and safe jobs. Not loaded but can pay the bills. He moved industry and has the opportunity to earn mega bucks but would need to move around a bit for this...

Taltos

Think you need to lay all your cards on the table one last time for him but only after you do some real heavy thinking.

Are kids that important to you that you are willing to leave the "love of" your "life"?

If so then you need to go to him with this information.
Not too sure if I really buy that last year he wanted kids and now does not - the reason I say this is I decided in my teens I no way wanted any of that. Now in late 30s and happier than ever at that decision. However around my own nephews and neices I am all ahhh / oooh. But it is a HUGE relief to walk away after a few hours. The thoughts of putting up with all that screaming not to mention the stench - gives me the sweats.

What I am getting at here is either - he really has changed his mind - and if walked through the reasoning might be willing to change it back.
OR - he actually always felt like this and nothing you say or do can convince him otherwise.
If it is the 2nd OR here - then if you want the kids you need to leave - he will not change his mind - know this as I will never do so - just went to far as to get the snip to ensure there could never be any little accidents.

So please - think it through & when you have all sorted out in your head talk to him. Let him know how you feel - but be willing to hear what he really wants - you will either work it out or split.
The big question though: If you accept this now and end up childless - is there a risk in later life you will hate him for it? If the answer is maybe or / yep - then run. Don't do this to yourself.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I doubt that its trickery but in the cold light of day when he reflected on kids maybe the potential for something going wrong was too much.
.

I mean I would not resort to trickery - dumping him to hope he would come running.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Think you need to lay all your cards on the table one last time for him but only after you do some real heavy thinking.

Are kids that important to you that you are willing to leave the "love of" your "life"?

If so then you need to go to him with this information.
Not too sure if I really buy that last year he wanted kids and now does not - the reason I say this is I decided in my teens I no way wanted any of that. Now in late 30s and happier than ever at that decision. However around my own nephews and neices I am all ahhh / oooh. But it is a HUGE relief to walk away after a few hours. The thoughts of putting up with all that screaming not to mention the stench - gives me the sweats.

What I am getting at here is either - he really has changed his mind - and if walked through the reasoning might be willing to change it back.
OR - he actually always felt like this and nothing you say or do can convince him otherwise.
If it is the 2nd OR here - then if you want the kids you need to leave - he will not change his mind - know this as I will never do so - just went to far as to get the snip to ensure there could never be any little accidents.

So please - think it through & when you have all sorted out in your head talk to him. Let him know how you feel - but be willing to hear what he really wants - you will either work it out or split.
The big question though: If you accept this now and end up childless - is there a risk in later life you will hate him for it? If the answer is maybe or / yep - then run. Don't do this to yourself.

He says that when it was all hypothetical then he thought he would be happy to have kids but now that its close to / potentially a reality he doesn’t want to for a number of reasons – work location, age, change of having a sick child etc etc etc…. I don’t think he thought it through seriously…

I don’t know if I will hate him. How can anyone predict that? I worry that I will stay with him, for him and be very happy but he will change his mind and run off with a young wan and have kids….

He consistently tells me he loves me and acts like he does but this tells me he may not… My brain is in a whirlwind and it wont slow down to allow be predict the future…. I don’t know how anyone can know how they will feel in 5 years time…

CDfm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd go deeper and suggest the other possibility that since he has a child,he's fulfilled that ambition.

I know plenty of Dads with access problems who are divorced etc who would not want to put the emotional investment into another child especially at the risk of loosing them or having to start over again.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I know plenty of Dads with access problems who are divorced etc who would not want to put the emotional investment into another child especially at the risk of loosing them or having to start over again.

This is the big issue.. He has huge problems with access. I would love him to have more access and went as far as doing up a room for the kid for when he comes to visit so he will feel at home...

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I know plenty of Dads with access problems who are divorced etc who would not want to put the emotional investment into another child especially at the risk of loosing them or having to start over again.

Well thats not good enough. If thats how he felt he should have come clean in the first place instead of leading the poor girl on.

As I said, total double standards by men on this one, they trick the girl into a relationship and then come up with the bombshell that they dont want kids after all and everyone makes excuses for the 'poor man' -oh he is pressured. Pressure he created himself by pretending to want kids just to suck her in.

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE LED HER ON. I can understand you wanting to break it off OP in pure disgust at what he has done. It is emotional cruelty of the most manipulative and selfish type.

If a woman tricks a man into a relationship based on false pretences she is vilified as an untouchable, but men are allowed do this till the cows come home and no-one says sqat.

Women are so afraid of being seen to pressure men into anything that they stand on the sidelines in relationships like bystanders waiting to be thrown a bone terrified of being accused of being a pushy sperm stalker.

Yet men in no way return the thoughfulness, they fiddle while Rome burns month with their drama 'oh i want kids' this month, oh i dont know now....etc etc
At the end of the day half of these men that say they dont want kids go on to have them with someone else, its just difficult to take them seriously.

LegacyUser

I don’t know if I will hate him. How can anyone predict that? I worry that I will stay with him, for him and be very happy but he will change his mind and run off with a young wan and have kids….

OP, in the same shoes have agonised over all this as well , Ay theres the rub, it always happens. The patient woman who waits for their partner to meet them halfway and wants a child by negotiation and agreement and would never trick a man always comes up the loser.

Its the pushy b1tches who resort to manipulation and trickery that end up with the man and the kids.

Still though I wouldnt sink to their level either.

Broken heart

Broken heart wrote: »

He says that when it was all hypothetical then he thought he would be happy to have kids but now that its close to / potentially a reality he doesn’t want to for a number of reasons – work location, age, change of having a sick child etc etc etc…. I don’t think he thought it through seriously…

In all fairness this is an example of where you are not thinking properly about this.

What you are saying your other half came out with there doesn't hold water when all this is inside a 6 to 12 month time frame.
It *could* be the case of course if he see's this latest opinionating by you as pressure.
It certainly looks like pressure as there's such a short time involved.

CDFM wrote:

I know plenty of Dads with access problems who are divorced etc who would not want to put the emotional investment into another child especially at the risk of loosing them or having to start over again.

Fair point.
However if thats the case it just [in my opinion] underlines the possibility that this relationship is so young that the guy realises that it could easily go pear shaped still.

In other words it suggests he's not in the same head space as the OP,his other half as regards the relationship.
He has his ideals and she has hers,it's just that he's not happy to take the risk and that speaks volumes.

I'm not contributing anymore to this thread as I'll only end up repeating what I said earlier repeatedly and that is that the op should think long and hard now and get someone close to talk to this about who can see and crystalise a lot more than we do.

Zulu

cnocbui wrote: »

OP. Just imagine yourself at the age of 60 looking back at a life without kids. How that feels in your imagination should tell you what course to take.

...who's to say the op can have kids?
Imagine looking back after throwing away that love, for children, and then not concieving.