How could I have done this?

LegacyUser

So... I'm going unreg for this..

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We love each other very much, and we plan to get engaged in the next year or so.

For a couple of those 7 years we split up, mainly because he wanted to go travelling and I didn't - felt kinda pushed into it, also because he was my first boyfriend and I was starting to get scared of what it would mean to end up marrying my very first.

He left to go travelling, I was supposed to follow him a few months later. I began to have more and more doubts, I began to dread the idea of going. Nothing could get me excited about it, although I did feign it to myself and others... Then, I got drunk one night and ended up at a houseparty, and fell asleep with 2 friends, a girl and guy. The guy was coming on to me, I felt uncomfortable with it (although I had been flirting earlier in the evening) and the girl took him into another room to let me sleep.

The next morning in my half sleep I found myself kissing someone, and then fully woke up to the realisation I was having sex. I stopped.

The guy had got into bed with me and started ... and I had responded. I told him it was a mistake, I regretted it, I explained I hadn't really been awake.

But I knew that this was a huge warning bell for my relationship, how could this have happened? I was gobsmacked at myself.
So I rang him, and explained I couldn't go through with meeting him to go travelling. Gave him a lot of other valid reasons. I never told him I had slept with someone else. We broke up.

Now, this guy I cheated on him with? After I had broken up with my bf, I ended up sleeping with him once or twice when I was extremely wasted - but in full knowledge of what I was doing, I am still friends with him, see him like a brother these days.

So then? After a couple of years the original OH came home, we were just friends for a while, and then fell totally back in love with each other.

And the guilt of what I did is driving me crazy. I can't tell him, mainly because it would hurt him so much, and destroy his trust in me, also because I feel it would be selfish - just assuaging my own guilt, and lastly because I am selfish, and I don't want to be distrusted.
I love him so much, and I hate having this horrible secret from him.

Sorry, not sure what my question is.

finbarrk

Well if you were apart from him for 2 years I doubt that he expected you to remain celibate for that length of time. I doubt if he did either.
You should say nothing about it and move on. You didn't do too much wrong anyway.

madbev90210

Is the secret what happened? Or who it happened with? I mean, theres a good chance he slept with other people on his travels! Have you asked him? Also, was it just this one guy you slept with when broke up with your partner? If so, your doing well!

Dont feel guilty, you'se werent together and no ones perfect. Ye have lived apart and have been brought back together again, perhaps for a reason, look forward to the future. but if its eating you up yhat much, I know id have to talk about it and start with a clean slate.

Good luck

kmart6

No reason to feel guilty unless ye were actually still going out when you slept with the other guy! No other need to feel guilty about it!

LegacyUser

Sorry, i wasnt clear.

He went away, i was to follow him. After a month or two (we were still together, but long distance) I ended up sleeping with this guy. A day or two later I rang my bf in NZ to break up. I never went to meet him on his travels. We maintained our friendship while he was away, and rekindled the relationship when he came back.

Whatever about the boyfriend - if I woke up to find someone having sex with me while I was too drunk to even feel it, I'd be calling the guards.

Joey the lips

I am not sure either but it apears you do have a problem with drink. This is where I would start!

RossFixxxed

She woke up TO THE FACT. As in she slipped into it with a few drinks, AWARE of what she was doing. This does not seem to be an assault scenario, rather a swept away moment.

I'd lay off the drink. Look if you don't want to be with the guy, then just keep it broken up. Get away from them both and look after yourself. You're not meant to dread being with someone!

LegacyUser

OP, hate to tell you but I doubt your OH was a monk while travelling. Relax and stop worrying.

petethebrick

No big deal at all OP. That's what happpens a lot when couples go their separate ways for periods of time. You've nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion^^

happyfriday

Ok so you made a mistake while drunk with the other guy but then you broke up with your boyfriend (I'm sure guilt aswell as the fear of commitment helped in that decision) I think by breaking up with him after sleeping with someone else you did the totally correct thing but it’s been 2 years down the line, that’s a long time ago, things change and now it sounds like you are ready to totally commit. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

RossFixxxed

RossFixxxed wrote: »

She woke up TO THE FACT. As in she slipped into it with a few drinks, AWARE of what she was doing. This does not seem to be an assault scenario, rather a swept away moment.

I'd lay off the drink. Look if you don't want to be with the guy, then just keep it broken up. Get away from them both and look after yourself. You're not meant to dread being with someone!

I read it as she was literally half asleep after drinking loads. If you don't fully realise you're having sex, you're too drunk/out of it to be doing it. She said she had felt uncomfortable with the guy, he had gone to another room and sneaked into hers during the night. If I even woke up to find a guy beside me in bed, uninvited, I'd hit the roof.

LegacyUser

Can never understand the whole 'I had too much to drink' reasoning.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];60844375]I read it as she was literally half asleep after drinking loads. If you don't fully realise you're having sex, you're too drunk/out of it to be doing it. She said she had felt uncomfortable with the guy, he had gone to another room and sneaked into hers during the night. If I even woke up to find a guy beside me in bed, uninvited, I'd hit the roof.[/QUOTE]

i agree. this totally sounds like rape to me.
maybe the OP could clarify this (i.e. at what point did she realise someone was there in her bed? was it just the kissing? or had it moved beyond that?)

Sinall

[quote=[Deleted User];60844375]I read it as she was literally half asleep after drinking loads. If you don't fully realise you're having sex, you're too drunk/out of it to be doing it. She said she had felt uncomfortable with the guy, he had gone to another room and sneaked into hers during the night. If I even woke up to find a guy beside me in bed, uninvited, I'd hit the roof.[/quote]

This is how I read it too. They went to sleep in separate beds (after he had previously been hitting on her and she didn't reciprocate) and then she woke up to find him in the bed with her and realised they were actually having sex....

I would be pretty shocked if that happened to me. And pretty angry too.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments.

I suppose half of me wants to just forget it. To be honest I had, I suppose it comes back to haunt me in the middle of the night sometimes.

The guy I slept with, sigh, I dunno. He's a nice guy, and he apologised to me a million times about what happened... I don't really know why he got into bed with me... you know that half-awake, half-still dreaming in the morning feeling? I don't remember him starting to kiss me, I just woke up to it and I had been responding in my half sleep.

The part I feel bad about is responding at all. And not stopping it. And never telling my bf.

I guess this guilt is just what I'll always have to feel... I don't know, I think maybe for the sake of honesty I should tell him. I know about his own small indiscrepancy... he has the right to know about mine?

By the way, this all happened *before* we broke up. A month or two after he left, but at the time he was expecting me to follow him. In the couple of years he was away we both were with other people and thats grand... Just this one was while we were still together.

Jesus, I just hate that I could be the person who cheats, and hurts a good person. I feel like, if I could do it, I who love him so absolutely, couldn't anyone do it to anyone?

Astrogeek

I really don't think you cheated. If I told my boyfriend what happened to you, happened to me, he wouldn't be angry at me, he will kill the other guy.

Oh The Humanity

OP, you are beating yourself up about not much at all. To an unhealthy degree. You sound slightly obsessed with the episode.

Put it out of your mind and move on.

Your boyfriend possibly did stuff too while he was away so stop worrying, its water under the bridge.

OP I think it's said sometimes that people who were assaulted can often blame themselves for it to an unhealthy degree. Perhaps you should, even once or twice, talk to a professional about what happened. If you'd forgotten about it and moved on I wouldn't say this, but since you're so obsessed with it and guilting yourself about it, I really feel it would be best if you should talk to someone.
Needless to say, someone sneaking into your room and doing that to you while you're incapacitated AND asleep is absolutely criminal and should have been report. Reacting in your sleep (god, you could even have thought it was your bf if you weren't awake, and that's why you were responding) and stopping it as soon as you become aware isn't "cheating."

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments.

I suppose half of me wants to just forget it. To be honest I had, I suppose it comes back to haunt me in the middle of the night sometimes.

The guy I slept with, sigh, I dunno. He's a nice guy, and he apologised to me a million times about what happened... I don't really know why he got into bed with me... you know that half-awake, half-still dreaming in the morning feeling? I don't remember him starting to kiss me, I just woke up to it and I had been responding in my half sleep.

The part I feel bad about is responding at all. And not stopping it. And never telling my bf.

I guess this guilt is just what I'll always have to feel... I don't know, I think maybe for the sake of honesty I should tell him. I know about his own small indiscrepancy... he has the right to know about mine?

By the way, this all happened *before* we broke up. A month or two after he left, but at the time he was expecting me to follow him. In the couple of years he was away we both were with other people and thats grand... Just this one was while we were still together.

Jesus, I just hate that I could be the person who cheats, and hurts a good person. I feel like, if I could do it, I who love him so absolutely, couldn't anyone do it to anyone?

Sorry but a guy getting into bed with you without invitation and proceeding to have sex with you while you're asleep is rape. No matter how much of a 'nice guy' he paints himself as.

LegacyUser

hi everyone...

I can't tell you what its like to hear people say that what happened isn't all my fault... I guess if it wasn't that this was a good looking affable guy, and I was at a party amongst all his friends, (who are all my own close friends now) I would feel more like it was done to me than I let it happen....

I'm not a stupid girl, I can hear myself say it was my fault, I led him on, and think that this is what someone who was asaulted by a friend might say.

I guess I maybe I did flirt, but I never intended for what happened to happen. I did not make moves to even kiss this guy. And maybe I spent too much time reassuring him (and myself I suppose) that what happened was ok, so that I wouldn't think about the consequences of it NOT being ok.

I suppose it might sound like I'm consumed by it... I'm not really, it's just very recently I've had these ... flushes of guilt in the night about it. I am in the process of trying to find 'someone to talk to' about other things, so I'll talk to that person about this.

I still think I might tell my boyfriend, but I'll hold my horses on that one for a little while.

Thanks so much to everyone. Sometimes I suppose, you just need to get something off your chest.

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like you were sexually assualted, couldn't come to terms with the idea and slept with the guy again to reassure yourself that you consented. Being smashed on all occasions says a lot about how you felt about his guy and yourself. I seriously think you should seek some professional advice on this one, not for the sake of your EX who went travelling, but for yourself. You have to come to terms with the fact that the worst thing you did on the night was getting drunk, what happened while you were asleep is rape and your reaction to it is denial of the fact that it was rape. Just because you smile and make eyes at a guy doesn't give him the right to climb into your bed while you're asleep and proceed to rape you.

Don't share this with your ex, because being a guy I know I'd find it very hard not to confront the man who assualted you. Talk to a professional, I'm sure someone else posting here will post up contact details of the some organisations who can help you get counselling. It's unlikely at this stage you can get a prosecution but at least you may be able to get peace of mind about your own actions and feel less of a dependence on alcohol to blank it all out.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

The guy I slept with, sigh, I dunno. He's a nice guy, and he apologised to me a million times about what happened... I don't really know why he got into bed with me... you know that half-awake, half-still dreaming in the morning feeling? I don't remember him starting to kiss me, I just woke up to it and I had been responding in my half sleep.

The part I feel bad about is responding at all. And not stopping it.

Looks to me like you have dealt with it in a very mature way. It takes two in this kind of confused situation.

Jesus, I just hate that I could be the person who cheats, and hurts a good person. I feel like, if I could do it, I who love him so absolutely, couldn't anyone do it to anyone?

I just don't buy into the obsession with judgment, OP. We make mistakes. What matters is what we do afterward. Do we learn. Do we change. Don't be beating yourself up about it.

Take the experience and use it to make you a better person.

all the best

bSlick

[quote=[Deleted User];60853085]Sorry but a guy getting into bed with you without invitation and proceeding to have sex with you while you're asleep is rape. No matter how much of a 'nice guy' he paints himself as.[/quote]

You are changing the story (where did she say she was fully asleep?) and the point you are making in your postst is a load of nonsense, half the one night stands that occur out there these days happen when one or both parties are so locked/hungover that they are not fully aware of it, can't remember it 100% clearly, or sometimes can't even remember it at all. The OP wasn't fully asleep, as she says herself she was half asleep or "half awake, half still dreaming in the morning feeling", a common feeling after someone's been drinking. She wouldn't have been operating at 100% clarity of thought but with 95% of one night stands out there either both or one of the participants are in the exact same situation because they have drink taken. There is a world of difference between having drunken hazy sex with someone and getting raped in your sleep.

The guy got in beside her and rather than telling him to leave she starts kissing him, then proceeds to have sex with him, and you call that rape? If your definition of rape was considered the standard you'd have half the country locked up in mountjoy.

It is outrageous to suggest that the op has been raped when she was kissing the guy, had sex with him and then when she told him to stop, he stopped. That's not rape, and it's an insult to girls who have actually been raped to suggest it is.

bSlick

bSlick wrote: »

You are changing the story (where did she say she was fully asleep?) and the point you are making in your postst is a load of nonsense, half the one night stands that occur out there these days happen when one or both parties are so locked/hungover that they are not fully aware of it, can't remember it 100% clearly, or sometimes can't even remember it at all. The OP wasn't fully asleep, as she says herself she was half asleep or "half awake, half still dreaming in the morning feeling", a common feeling after someone's been drinking. She wouldn't have been operating at 100% clarity of thought but with 95% of one night stands out there either both or one of the participants are in the exact same situation because they have drink taken. There is a world of difference between having drunken hazy sex with someone and getting raped in your sleep.

The guy got in beside her and rather than telling him to leave she starts kissing him, then proceeds to have sex with him, and you call that rape? If your definition of rape was considered the standard you'd have half the country locked up in mountjoy.

It is outrageous to suggest that the op has been raped when she was kissing the guy, had sex with him and then when she told him to stop, he stopped. That's not rape, and it's an insult to girls who have actually been raped to suggest it is.

Read the post! She went to bed, he went to a different room and she woke up to find herself having sex with him! What do you think rape is? Do you think you have to be grabbed by a knife wielding stranger in the street? There is a world of difference between going to bed WITH someone and sleeping with them while drunk and going to bed alone and waking up in the morning with a guy in your bed, a guy you have never been with before and 'may' have flirted with during the evening. She wasn't even awake enough to realise what she was doing! If he had been equally drunk, he would have also been passed out in bed, not coming into her room, getting into her bed and having sex with her while she was too drunk to consent.

Sinall

IMO, going to sleep on your own and then waking up to find somebody already having sex with you is not consensual. That's my reading of what happened.

To the OP, it sounds like this is really worrying you. Try to let the idea of cheating go. Getting in touch with a support group or similar might be of benefit to you.

bSlick

[quote=[Deleted User];60857766]Read the post! She went to bed, he went to a different room and she woke up to find herself having sex with him! What do you think rape is? Do you think you have to be grabbed by a knife wielding stranger in the street? There is a world of difference between going to bed WITH someone and sleeping with them while drunk and going to bed alone and waking up in the morning with a guy in your bed, a guy you have never been with before and 'may' have flirted with during the evening. She wasn't even awake enough to realise what she was doing! If he had been equally drunk, he would have also been passed out in bed, not coming into her room, getting into her bed and having sex with her while she was too drunk to consent.[/quote]

You read the post. Because you are incorrect when you say she woke up to find herself having sex with him. She says she 'fully woke up to the realisation i was having sex', not that she literally woke up from a sleep state. She firstly describes herself as half asleep, which by default means she was half awake. :rolleyes: Then she also describes it as being "half awake, half still dreaming in the morning feeling". So she wasn't unconscious, therefore she wasn't asleep. It's a standard state of consciousness for someone who's been drinking the night before.

And as I said, if there were laws against having drunken hazy one night stand sex whilst being half awake, half asleep you'd have half the country locked up in mountjoy. Tons of people up and down the country are having one night stands every weekend and can't even remember what they did or how it starteed alot of the time, they were so out of it. Are you actually trying to say that it is automatically rape if a women has sex that she can't fully remember it because she was drunk? Because that is ludicrous, especially with the culture in Ireland today where lots of women actually go out and get drunk and aim to have sex at the end of the night.

So what if he got into her bed, she wasn't asleep, she didn't tell him to go, instead she started kissing him and had sex with him. It would be a different story is she was actually ASLEEP and didnt give consent, that's straight up rape. But she wasn't asleep, her mind was hazy from the drink but she was conscious and was a willing participant until such time as she decided and when she asked him to stop, he stopped.

bSlick

Sinall wrote: »

IMO, going to sleep on your own and then waking up to find somebody already having sex with you is not consensual.

I agree, but she WAS NOT ASLEEP. She says so twice herself. It would be great if people would read the posts and not start making up stuff.

Sinall

bSlick wrote: »

I agree, but she WAS NOT ASLEEP. She says so twice herself. It would be great if people would read the posts and not start making up stuff.

I have read the posts. And as I said in my previous post, my opinion was based on my understanding of what she said. It seems that we have different understandings.

Either way, she did not invite this guy into her bed. It sounds to me (again based on my reading of the posts) that he arrived in unannounced and started making moves on her. She didn't say that she remembers him getting into the bed, just that when she woke up he was there and that something was going on.

We are dragging this off topic and I don't see how this is helpful to the OP. Sorry OP.

petethebrick

Em - the OP obviously didn't think it was an assault or rape or any of that - she says she shagged him a few times again after that.

bSlick

Sinall wrote: »

I have read the posts. And as I said in my previous post, my opinion was based on my understanding of what she said. It seems that we have different understandings.

Well I pointed out the parts where she referred to her state of consciousness and it was plain obvious the she was not unconscious. Why don't you take those same sentences/phrases I quoted and explain how how came to the conclusion that she was not conscious. Because you won't be able to.

Either way, she did not invite this guy into her bed. It sounds to me (again based on my reading of the posts) that he arrived in unannounced and started making moves on her. She didn't say that she remembers him getting into the bed, just that when she woke up he was there and that something was going on.

Your right, it's called making a move, romantic encounters don't usually start with a legal contract, one or both parties make a move and the other either is up for it or not. In this case he got into bed with her, and rather than telling him to leave she was kissing him and had sex with him, so I think that can be counted as consent.

And she never said she woke up (from a sleeping state) and he was there as you put. That makes him sound like some kind of pervert. As I pointed out she said she was in a 'half awake, half still dreaming' and then that she 'fully woke up to the realization she was having sex'. Basically your standard hazy drunken one stand encounter.