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The joke isn't funny anymore??

  • 22-06-2009 11:54PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    Hope people can advice me on this one. This issue was pointed out again to me the other night by a guy that I got chatting to. This has come up a few times with guys in the past and I'm starting to wonder is it really a problem or if it's more their problem.

    Without blowing my own trumpet here...I'd consider myself to be a funny girl and nearly everyone who meets me would consider me to be the same (although there's nothing funny about this post...sorry :/ ). Some lads might think we're few and far between but I'm one of them. There ye go. It's always been this way...I was the joker at school, joker at college, joker wherever I've worked and lived, I'm the joker among my friends...I can easily get anyone laughing within a few minutes. I don't think I've too many talents, I've virtually none but I can make people laugh, that's all I know and I'll make no bones about it.

    But the problem is I think I might scare lads away. I'm generally only interested in funny lads who can make me laugh and this guy I was talking to the other night fitted the bill. We were laughing away and I thought things were going great...laughter being a natural aphrodisiac and all that but he asked me all of a sudden if I ever stop with the jokes and is it all an act? Could I not just be myself?? We weren't on a date...it was early morning at a house party, we'd met at the party and I thought it was the time and place for this kind of carry on but obviously not.

    This wasn't the first time someone asked me this. My ex of 2 years had massive problems with my sense of humour initially and told me at the start of our relationship that perhaps I was "too witty" for him and he couldn't keep up. He actually got sulky with me over this. The first fight we ever had was over this issue...he told me I was "too much" sometimes and he couldn't keep up with witty responses. I felt terrible. My logic behind it was if this is what attracted him to me in the first place (I was dressed up in some ridiculous chicken costume when he met me outside a pub...har har har), then maybe I should keep it up. That's what he liked most about me. I know I had him in tears the first night I met him and visa versa...I thought this was appealing to him and not a turn-off. I think I was wrong.

    Girls usually have "sense of humour" as something they're attracted to in a guy over looks but it doesn't seem to be the case with guys in my experience. Are lads intimidated by funny girls?? I pride myself in my ability to make people laugh and to tone it down would be to tone down a massive part of my personality. Why should I do that? This is what guys seem to want. The humour is not an act although if I'm regaling a story, I'd act and embellish the story a little bit putting on different voices, flailing my arms about but it's still part of who I am. As I said, I've been this way since I was little girl and that a long time to be "acting".

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not a walking talking clown, that would indeed be a head-wreak...I can be as serious as the next chick and I am most of the time but when I'm out, I have a laugh, I make people laugh...I make men who chat me up or who I'm chatting up....laugh! I'm being myself but some lads think it's an act or else they're accuse me of putting on an act because perhaps they're intimidated and it's their job to make ME laugh...or something. I'm a good-looking girl (I'm a right old big head tonight eh? Sorry..) and it's as if lads don't expect it from me. I've heard the compliment "You're good-looking AND your funny...usually it's one or the other with girls"...what does this mean? Why can't I be both?

    I don't know. What do you lot think?? Can someone explain the psychology behind this? Am I scaring men away??


«13

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    24 year old guy here - Whether or not some guys find you intimidating is not the issue here, its rather about you finding someone who likes you for you. You won't be able to change yur personality, and the right person will come along eventually who will appreciate your humour. Until then, keep laughing!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Wow, I have exactly the same problem!! What I've come up with is, these guys are kind of insecure and feel the need to vent that. I do think it can come as a surprise to some guys if a girl is quick and witty.
    F*ck it. It's their problem. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would be more than happy to go out with a smart, funny girl... hopefully!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Without knowing you, it's hard to say who has the problem here but if a few people have told you you need to tone the joking down a bit, then maybe there's something to it. You seem to very much identify yourself as the class clown, the joker and as a result you maybe think about it too much and you're striving to be that way. So while it might feel natural to you to others it could easily look likey you're putting on an act.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 5,903 Mod ✭✭✭✭irish_goat


    Being honest, girls who are always making jokes and (harsh as it sounds)generating craic turn me off. That's simply because I am kind of shy but really enjoy making girls laugh. If I'm out with a male friend who is constantly making jokes I'll tend to be quieter as well so suppose it's the same as with a girl. Just feels weird. But that's me, I know plenty of girls who are jokers and they get on fine romantically, just not with me. :p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    There are guys who get intimidated when they meet a woman who's funny and witty.
    Esp when they expect us to sit, be quiet and demure to what ever they hae to say and let them shine and tbh fúck that. Why dumb yourself down, if they can't handle it then they are not good enough for you.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,571 ✭✭✭herya


    Maybe you're playing on this one note too much. It might be tiring to be with somebody who is so strongly defined in terms of the mood they prefer. Variety is attractive.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 124 ✭✭Broad


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    Why dumb yourself down, if they can't handle it then they are not good enough for you.

    Absolutely right. Don't try to make yourself less of what you are - the less "dumb" guys will be able for and enjoy your wit and humour. You should not expect anything less.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,255 ✭✭✭anonymous_joe


    Most girls that I've met have been extraordinarily unfunny.

    Which is deliberate in part. Girls aren't expected to make jokes. It's the man's job to make the fragile little girl laugh.

    Quite a few of my friend's would be very threatened by a woman who could tell jokes, because in a way they feel it's their job. They also tend to think they're funnier than they are.

    The only advice I'd offer is this: if your personality is threatening some men, why would you want to be with them? I've never been happy with someone who didn't like me for me, it's easy to be with someone by being what you think they'll like, but what's the point? If a guy's threatened by your sense of humour, assume he's not comfortable with a woman whose his equal or better than him at something. Or that he's just not into jokes. Someone like that's clearly not for you...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    are you sure you're actually funny? some people think they're funny but are actually just snipey and sarcastic... which is often funny at first but wears very, very thin... very very quickly.

    If you're certain that you're actually a funny person and not an overbearing sarc-monster, maybe try mixing it up a little, as the poster above said. Being funny ALL THE TIME is not necessarily a good thing. If somebody is constantly cracking jokes and taking the piss it makes it difficult to get to know them on any meaningful level.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,556 ✭✭✭MizzLolly


    You're experiences aren't all that strange at all OP. I honestly do agree that some men are intimidated by a woman who can make people laugh. I reckon it's a fear of being 'upstaged' in a way, as if the gender roles are being reversed and you're the one making the guy giggle like a schoolgirl. ;)

    In my experience, men certainly do act differently to humourous women. Often, they feel intimidated and limit their interactions with the girl, though sometimes a woman's sense of humour can be seen as a sign of being 'too' approachable and too sociable. I'm having some bother myself at the moment with a guy in work who just constantly cracks onto me and no matter how often I say 'no' or tell him to back off, he makes light of it and thinks he can get away with it because I'm generally quite easy-going. Women and humour can be tricky but as one poster said above, it says more about the guy expecting you to lay down and be quite and allow him to take centre stage.

    Enjoy your sense of humour and don't let any of the dull folk make you feel like there's anything wrong with it! (it's a lack of personality in the guy, if you ask me!)

    :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭bigeasyeah


    I dont think it has anything to do with fellas being intimidated.
    When someone is all chat and jokes it becomes too much after awhile.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP! There's times I have often felt in your position.

    Personally, I have found the advantages of being proud of my sense of humour to far outweight the disadvantages. For a start, my male friends treat me as more of an equal than some of those 'quiet, demure girls' and I think I have a much better platonic relationship with them as a result. However, many of them were quite wary of me when they first met me, but I think that by sticking to your guns and being yourself, you will gain the respect of both potential friends and boyfriends.

    I am in a relationship with a guy who really appreciates my wit (I sound really big-headed now, sorry!), which is something that hasn't happened to me before. I think he is one of the wittiest people I have ever met, but we are not in competition with each other.

    I use humour to ease uncomfortable situations, such as meeting someone new, and I couldn't change this if I tried - Tbh, I don't see the point. And I don't see in the point in changing yourself either. It would make you miserable!

    I suppose what I'm trying to stay is just be yourself (Such a cliché, I'm sorry!), you don't want someone who will stunt a very inherent part of you - your sense of humour.

    People are attracted to confidence and it's obvious that you have that in spades - I wish you the very best of luck :) Apologies if I rambled a bit!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,333 ✭✭✭Zambia


    The Clown wrote: »
    But the problem is I think I might scare lads away. I'm generally only interested in funny lads who can make me laugh and this guy I was talking to the other night fitted the bill. We were laughing away and I thought things were going great...laughter being a natural aphrodisiac and all that but he asked me all of a sudden if I ever stop with the jokes and is it all an act? Could I not just be myself?? We weren't on a date...it was early morning at a house party, we'd met at the party and I thought it was the time and place for this kind of carry on but obviously not.

    Thats a stupid thing to say to someone on the first night..

    After a comment like that,even I have a better chance of going out with you and I am married and live in Australia, and not that pretty either...:o


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,187 ✭✭✭keefg


    Hmmm...tricky one, and something that can work both ways. most self-proclaimed funny/mad/crazy/zany/whacky people, regardless of sex, are very irritating.

    Take for example Davina McCall - Very attractive (looking) and is considered funny/mad/crazy/zany/whacky by a lot of people (mostly women from my experience). But I doubt I could spend more than five mins in her company before wanting to get away from her because she drives me mad.

    Then on the other end of the scale you have someone like Kathy Burke whom generally would not be considered as attractive in the looks dept as Davina but who is a very funny woman and someone I would much rather spend some time with.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's pretty difficult to know what these guys are thinking from what you told us in your opening post alone, but as many have alluded to some personality types just don't work with some people. Maybe some guys do feel intimidated by it, maybe some do find it a turn off, but at the end of the day (to use a cliche), the majority of guys you meet won't have a personality that fits yours right.

    I've actually been the guy on the other side in a similar situation to yours, although the details probably don't match up that exactly. In my case, I was with a girl I had a great laugh with, but she had problems coming out of that jokey state of mind, and into a more personal one. Maybe some guys can deal with that fine, but I found it a bit tough. You said you have no problems being serious when needed, so it's probably not the same kind of deal at all! I do sort of feel though, that a variety of emotions can be good at any stage of a relationship - be it the first couple of hours of meeting, or after 30 years of marriage. Laughter is great, as is romance, as is deep serious talking, as are moments of quiet peace - but none of them are really enough on their own. Connecting on a variety of levels can be key!


    At the same time, I could be talking rubbish :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    There are guys who get intimidated when they meet a woman who's funny and witty.
    Esp when they expect us to sit, be quiet and demure to what ever they hae to say and let them shine and tbh fúck that. Why dumb yourself down, if they can't handle it then they are not good enough for you.

    Woah, woah steady. Next thing you'll be saying women should drive and vote! What a crazy idea.

    Seriously there are guys like that, that get frightened/intimidated by women that are smart, witty, funny, independent, able to think for themselves. And those are the guys to stay about 100000 miles away from. It scares me that these losers even get women.

    However, if you were just joking all night, he may not know what to take seriously or not. There is a line between having a great laugh and just being a clown. Anyone's interest may wane after trying for two hours and getting nothing but jokes and no serious conversation. I've know people who were very funny in work, but crossed that line into clown!

    R


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I only go out with funny girls, girls who make me laugh and who I can be in stitches with. I haven't found one in ages. They have to be able to see the funny side of life and tell stories - and also listen to funny stories.

    It's not that the girl has to be funny all the time but has the ability to make me laugh.

    Same with friends - I generally only hang around with people who are witty/funny........

    I can't actually hang out with humourless people - I've actually stopped hanging out with two guys (friends of friends) because they were never funny. I always had a problem communicating with them. In fact, it wasn't just as they weren;t funny; they never could tell a story or relate an experience..... so it was conversation was a struggle.

    Anyway, girls, if you're funny (genuinely) then flaunt it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    Wit and the ability to be extremely funny all the time (if it's a natural one and not forced or contrived) is usually a sign of intelligence. Most of the funniest people I know are extremely intelligent and astute. men tend to be funnier than women because there's a competition element to it - we don't "need" to be funny because we don't compete like they do.

    I wouldn't worry about your wit being too much for a guy UNLESS you find it difficult to ever snap out of joke mode and use humour as a means of avoiding serious issues or emotions. Most famous example that springs to mind is Chandler in Friends - the joker who uses humour to cover up his discomfort with serious issues. It can be very aggravating for your OH if you use humour as some sort of unremitting shield.

    Having said that, sounds like some guys may just be intimidated by not being as funny as you. If so, that's their problem, and I'd steer clear of them. No different to them being intimidated by you being better at guitar/sport/driving than them. It's an ego thing, and no reason to dumb down your humour for.

    My OH has frequently told me I'm really funny "for a girl" and "the funniest girl he's ever met" but he has no problem with that. In fact I'm sure he likes it. then again he's still funnier than me so there's no sense of competition!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,503 ✭✭✭✭jellie


    do you know when to stop?
    Even people who are hilarious sometimes need to give it a rest. theres a time and place for everything.

    If thats not an issue then try not to let his comments bother you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    irish_goat wrote: »
    Being honest, girls who are always making jokes and (harsh as it sounds)generating craic turn me off. That's simply because I am kind of shy but really enjoy making girls laugh. If I'm out with a male friend who is constantly making jokes I'll tend to be quieter as well so suppose it's the same as with a girl. Just feels weird. But that's me, I know plenty of girls who are jokers and they get on fine romantically, just not with me. :p

    And thanks for being honest Irish Goat. Thanks to everyone else who responded as well. My sense of humour is definitely not of the cutting, scathing, sarcastic variety...I can be shy myself at the best of times...I'm not one of these loud, shouty women who think they're hilarious because the sheer amplification of what they're saying. I'm just funny and I know this because I make people laugh and always have. It's all subjective of course but I'd say generally I can get a laugh or two out of most people. I can act the gob-sh*te with the best of them and perhaps not a lot of men expect that from me, particularly because of how I look (I'm no stunner but I'm no Kathy Burke either...I'd be a good-looking girl, let us say). I'd come from the school of Adam and Joe, George Doors, Blackadder, Vick and Bob...ridiculous, stupid, silly humour...you know the kind.

    I've always made people laugh...that's how I was brought up...I come from a big family with a lot of hilarious brothers and perhaps they bred it into me. Some of you might take that as me growing up with the chuckle brothers but you're just going to have to take my word that they're funny, funny men. When I was in college, I found that a lot of the women who were funny took a back seat when the men were in funny mode but I didn't, I'd join in and because of this, I've a lot of very funny male friends...but nothing ever happened romantically with these guys. The women they DID choose to go out with were happy enough to take a back seat to these guys. That's cool but a little bit disappointing.

    I've no aspirations to be on stage or any of that shenanigans...I'll leave that to the funnier people...I'm happy enough to make friends and family laugh and visa versa.

    One poster could empathise and told me she always felt at an advantage because she felt equal to men on the humour front....I'd feel the same. I never feel intimidated by a funny man....I LOVE it, in fact. Humour for me is a two way thing and I expect to get as good as I give. Where's the fun in just sitting and waiting to be entertained??? This was the case with the guy I was chatting to the other night...we were having a great time, laughs galore...the "craic", if you will...but he just went cold on me all of a sudden and blurted out this comment I mentioned in my original post and I was shocked and disappointed. A few drinks were had so I'll take it with a pinch of salt.

    I was being funny because he was being funny...I was going with the flow of the conversation and if he came on all serious, I would've done the same.

    I've chilled out a lot in my old age (approaching 30) and I'm not the all singing, all dancing, jazz hands clown I might have been back in the day. I admit that might have been the case but not any more. Life has knocked that out of me to some extent and I'm more secure in my self that I know there's a bit more to me than that. I can be on serious mode with the best of them and I'm also friendly and kind to boot.

    I'm looking for a "gas" man but they don't seem to be looking for a "gas" girl from what I've encountered. I don't get this personally but I won't give up!

    Thanks lads and apologies for the long response....I'd be interested in hearing more opinons please!! All very interesting...thought it was just me.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    beenthere wrote: »
    I only go out with funny girls, girls who make me laugh and who I can be in stitches with. I haven't found one in ages. They have to be able to see the funny side of life and tell stories - and also listen to funny stories.

    It's not that the girl has to be funny all the time but has the ability to make me laugh.

    Same with friends - I generally only hang around with people who are witty/funny........

    I can't actually hang out with humourless people - I've actually stopped hanging out with two guys (friends of friends) because they were never funny. I always had a problem communicating with them. In fact, it wasn't just as they weren;t funny; they never could tell a story or relate an experience..... so it was conversation was a struggle.

    Anyway, girls, if you're funny (genuinely) then flaunt it.


    I'd be the same...I've little time for humourless people...all my friends are funny and I suppose I'm spoilt in that sense. This hasn't been the case with boyfriends though...thanks for this comment though. ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    I think there is a balance between light hearted, funny and serious. You can be serious, trust worthy and good to talk to and still funny! It's the danger of being a total flake I think.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    The thing I'd wonder is, and I believe pookie82 mentioned it above, do you avoid discussing things in a serious manner? If someone asks you a serious question, for which they want a serious answer, would you regularly make a joke out of it? Or do you avoid talking about your feelings by making jokes out of them?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Actually, I'm in a club where there are quite a few singles women around.

    I've hooked up with a few of them but the one I would like to go out with is the only one with a sense of humour similar to mine. Will ask her out soon.

    Nothing worse than going out with someone who doesn't laugh at your jokes. I was once told by a gf of mine : "that story is really boring - it's not funny". It was like a punch in the gut. When we arrived at the pub, we sat there with two of her friends. I started chatting to them and we had a great laugh together. My gf was sitting stony-faced. It was then I realised that it wsa never going to work out.

    Try internet dating! Seriously. If someone can't be humourful with all the time in the world to write a witty email (including time to edit, re-writes etc) then you know that it won't work out in person. It worked for me (well, until I was dumped).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Faith wrote: »
    The thing I'd wonder is, and I believe pookie82 mentioned it above, do you avoid discussing things in a serious manner? If someone asks you a serious question, for which they want a serious answer, would you regularly make a joke out of it? Or do you avoid talking about your feelings by making jokes out of them?

    Perhaps this might have been the case a few years ago because I'd feel uncomfortable talking about my OWN feelings and I'd make light of it. But no, I am a serious enough person now...I've grown up...but yeah, perhaps I'm not serious enough. I don't know. I'd be the friend my friends would confide in. I've been through a fair amount of crap in my life and I can empathise with a lot of people's circumstances.

    Maybe the humour was a way with dealing with all the crap thrown at me and I think that's how things were dealt with in my family...by cracking a joke about it! I look back and it might come across as bad taste for someone looking in from the outside but really, a lot of the stuff we had to deal with as kids in my family was out of our hands...it was too big a problem to find a solution to as we were only young so we'd laugh about it instead. That's how I cope with stuff.

    Maybe you've hit on something there...I was seeing a guy a few years ago said something similar to me as the other guy said the other night...after I broke up with him (I was moving country) he told me he'd be afraid I'd never let my guard down and let someone get close enough to me to fall for me properly. It struck a nerve, I'll be honest. This was a few years ago though and I think I've mellowed out a lot now...even toned down (not conciously) the humour. Maybe the humour thing WAS a barrier....jaysus....epiphany...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Male here. Going out with a girl that I consider to be a lot funnier than me, smarter than me etc and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I love it. Has me in stitches quite a bit. Sometimes I find myself laughing away on my own because of something she said/did days ago. Wouldn't want it any other way to be honest.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Male here. Going out with a girl that I consider to be a lot funnier than me, smarter than me etc and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I love it. Has me in stitches quite a bit. Sometimes I find myself laughing away on my own because of something she said/did days ago. Wouldn't want it any other way to be honest.

    That's very sweet, unregistered. Delighted you found someone you can have the craic with and nice to hear of other women not being afraid to be funny.

    Out of curiosity, can she tone it down and get serious as well? Can she talk about her feelings without making a joke out of them? Does she know when to tow the line and keep the balance??


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    The clown wrote: »

    Maybe you've hit on something there...I was seeing a guy a few years ago said something similar to me as the other guy said the other night...after I broke up with him (I was moving country) he told me he'd be afraid I'd never let my guard down and let someone get close enough to me to fall for me properly. It struck a nerve, I'll be honest. This was a few years ago though and I think I've mellowed out a lot now...even toned down (not conciously) the humour. Maybe the humour thing WAS a barrier....jaysus....epiphany...

    Humour is a very common defence mechanism. You don't necessarily need to tone down the humour, you just need to become more aware of when you're using it instead of dealing with the issue at hand, and work on that. If you always make light of the hard things you've gone through in life, I wouldn't be surprised if you partners felt like you weren't letting them get close enough to know how you really felt, and to see you being vulnerable.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    OP you sound deadly. seriously,im a girl and even i reckon that there aren't enough witty chicks out there. your ex sounds like he was too insecure to be with a girl who was more witty and confident than him, and your best off out of it.

    forget the lads who can't deal with you. screw them. any guy who wants you to change your personality is a dumbass.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The Clown wrote: »
    That's very sweet, unregistered. Delighted you found someone you can have the craic with and nice to hear of other women not being afraid to be funny.

    Out of curiosity, can she tone it down and get serious as well? Can she talk about her feelings without making a joke out of them? Does she know when to tow the line and keep the balance??

    Yep, she can tone it down sometimes which is all good too. I can't remember her making too many jokes when talking about her feelings - this is usually when I step in with a funny comment to lighten up the mood a little! And the balance is perfect in my opinion, most of the day she smiles which makes me smile :)


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