What happens to single women in their 30's in Ireland?

LegacyUser

am I a dying breed?? feeling doom and gloomy...am 35 years of age...
what happens if I remain single all my life...find it VERY difficult to meet guys
how can I afford to buy a house on my own here...
am already drifting away from my married friends who have kids...
what kind of jobs can I do in my 50/60's?...

Am your bog standard working girl...little savings...travelled the world..hate my home town...parents alcoholics so no help there...done a few night courses dont get you anywhere...

Am in good health but all this worry is bound to make me ill...

LegacyUser

take a deep breath.

you're also quite funny...no theres lots like ya....
im single and 22. even at this age its hard ta find someone....
i understand it probably gets harder....
you want to find a decent guy without resorting to an online dating website....
k...you've tried night courses etc...personally i think you cannot get close to anyone at these things really....
what else.....eeerm....i suppose just keep going out and relax
pamper youself and look after your appearance religiously
the confidence that will follow from that will radiate when you in the company of others

good luck girl

LegacyUser

I'm single in my 40's and I have to say those thoughts about the future started creeping into my head a few years ago as well. I've been even worse & thinking about how I'll cope when I'm very old & need care so that's really depressing!

However I've decided that I just have to get on with it and there's no point in ruining my life now by worrying about 20 or 30 years time. I had gotten into a terrible rut & was allowing everything to get me down, but I'm now making an effort to go outside my comfort zone lately and do things I wouldnt normally do. Dont get into a depression about this. You need to enjoy your life now but also work on how you can make it better for the future. I've got a few years on you and if I'm prepared to keep trying then hopefully you can too!!

Firetrap

I'm the same age as you/single/female so I know where you're coming from. My guess is that you're in a rut and you're thinking about things way too much. The idea that the stress of this situation might make you ill is a bit alarming IMHO.

The main thing to do I think is to be positive and look at things you can improve in your life. You're 35 - still a relatively young person with lots to offer.

You say you've no savings - is there any way you can start saving now? What's done is done. Be glad you didn't buy a house in the past few years - you'd most likely be in negative equity now. House prices are falling so hopefully something will fall within your price range.

Drifting away from your married friends - unfortunately that's bound to happen but do make an effort to keep in touch. You're never too old to make new friends. Personally, I've never found night classes any good for making friends with people but getting involved in some sort of sport or club works better. I've got a friend who's in her early 40s and she continues to meet and befriend people through things like swimming, scuba diving, walking etc.

As for meeting guys...join the club! I wonder (and I'm not being horrible about this) are you coming across as desperate if you do socialise around men? That can put them off big time. If the usual avenues - I'm assuming pubs and clubs here - don't work, then it might be time to try something new. Internet dating perhaps? Or just work on making friends with people and you might meet someone through them.

LegacyUser

You are certainly not a dying breed.. There is nothing wrong with being 35, single and female. That's what I am and I'm enjoying things as they are. I'm not worried about being single or what age I am, I just take each day as it comes and am enjoying it.

A few years ago I recall asking similar questions, feeling a lot of doom and gloom and then I realized there is no point in worrying about those things. There is a lot more to life than that..

During that time, I managed to put by some savings every month and it felt like no time before I could get my own place and one of the reasons for that is that I was out there enjoying myself forgetting about the worrying things around me and time seems to fly when you occupy yourself with getting out and meeting people.

I'm involved in some sport and every week I go out and meet a lot of people. Sometimes when I'm not too busy through my sporting activities, I do a bit of internet dating and that has been enjoyable too. I also enjoy sitting in and having time to myself, so its important to get that balance too.

I see being single as having the freedom to do anything you want and when you want to do it. Even some of my work colleagues say I have a better social life that they do..

So don't worry about what other people are doing. Just relax, find something you like doing, take each day as it comes. Be good to yourself and enjoy things while you can.

LegacyUser

Am also a bog standard 35 yr old but in relationship and god knows that was hard to find!!!

Only scraped that one together at 33.

Also don't have house, very very very glad I didn't buy 2yrs ago... so there ya go, be thankful.

I had my age/singleness/houslessness freakout around the 30 mark. At the time I moaned to an older male friend (40s) that I was worried I'd end up living in a bedsit at 45. He wisely remarked that I wasn't that kind of person so don't worry about it. He also advised I go travelling again, and although things have worked out for me (sort of) I often think maybe I should have, and if I was single tomorrow thats what I would do. My other half is foreign, foreign men are so much more open and less hung up on issues than Irish men. And they love Irish girls. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. We're both still young enough for big changes, won't always be. Could you get a bit of money and take a year out and move somewhere?

2yrs ago I nearly bought on my own, but my mum told me to spend the money on having a good time instead and maybe move if I really felt stuck in a rut.

My mum did that when she was 35 and thats how she met my father :-)

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

you want to find a decent guy without resorting to an online dating website....

I'm not sure how internet dating is viewed by 20 somethings, but for 30 and 40 somethings it is a very pragmatic, practical and effective way of meeting someone.

Also, you say you hate your home town, are you living there? If so, why?

alfaromeo84

Ladies, we lads find the same concerns bother us too(i'm early 30's), where to meet someone decent, and down to earth, having a home of your own, etc.

But sometimes things take unexpected turns, and it all works out when the time is some bit right. At least thats what i'm hoping.

So try not to worry too much about it, like my mother trys not to say too often, there is always some shoe for a sock.

LauraLoo

Unregistered wrote: »

you want to find a decent guy without resorting to an online dating website....
good luck girl

i met my fiance on an online dating website. he was recommended to join as his friend met her OH on it. i joined it cos im in-sociable and wanted to meet someone.

To the OP: in relation to online dating:

What i like about it is that i can put myself out there, saying what i want and dont want in a man. He gets to do the same. So when you're looking at potentials, you can cross some off the list and put some on it. its more upfront than meeting people at a party or pub (where do irish people meet each other if its not via a friend or out drinking? its not like prince charming comes up to you in a shop and asks you out for a coffee- if he did he'd be branded as a weirdo.)

Now saying all of this- i did meet a few eejits on the site, but i just took it all with a pinch of salt until i found my man.Trust your gut- you could have 20 emails in your inbox. Theres no point in dating all 20 of them- just go for the ones who tick your important boxes.

good luck

ps: the link to the website i used is here: http://www.datinginireland.com/s/a/562/iedii?gclid=CM2ojrbDoJsCFd4B4wodVW15DQ

alfaromeo84

In reply to Lauraloo, why is it if a guy did approach a girl out of the blue to say she was beautiful and would she like to get coffee or whatever, he is regarded as a weirdo. I appreciate it that, that is what 99% of women would think, but why should it be the case.

Would the directness of it all be a refreshing alternative, and make a guy attractive as it shows he knows what he likes/wants, and is brave enough to go try and get it.

Tim Robbins

I hate hearing these stories. No-one should ever feel there's something wrong with them if they are not in a relationship. In fact the very worse thing you can do is think you have to be in a relationship.

You don't actually have to do or be in anything. I used to find when I was single, couples bored the cr*p out of me so I just politely avoided them. Some of them love been all smug and make comments about your lack of a relationship as if there's something wrong with you not having one.

Don't listen to the losers.

Tim Robbins

Unregistered wrote: »

im single and 22. even at this age its hard ta find someone....
i understand it probably gets harder....
you want to find a decent guy without resorting to an online dating website....

No offense a 22 year old giving advice to someone ten years older is unrealistic. When you're 22 you go out much more, probably up to 3 nights a week.

When you get older all that small talk and drinking can seem boring, immature, superficial and meaningless.

I have a few friends who all met stunners on the internet and I have many others who had a great laugh meeting loads of people they actually wanted to talk and meet.

If I could just revert to the OP. My advice to anyone is that anyone at any age at any relationship status should consider goals:
- Learn a langauge
- Finish a book
- Complete a masters
- Change career
- Write a song
- Get fit
whatever it's up to you.

This can really help people feel good about themselves and give a real sense of achievement and meaning.

Consider some goals for yourselfs and if you achieved them would being single annoy you as much?

alfaromeo84

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

In reply to Lauraloo, why is it if a guy did approach a girl out of the blue to say she was beautiful and would she like to get coffee or whatever, he is regarded as a weirdo. I appreciate it that, that is what 99% of women would think, but why should it be the case.

Would the directness of it all be a refreshing alternative, and make a guy attractive as it shows he knows what he likes/wants, and is brave enough to go try and get it.

I've been asked out like this several times. I don't think it's weird. The last time I said I had a boyfriend but wouldn't mind meeting up as friends (I was new in town and didn't know anyone). We met for a coffee and now we're pretty good friends and he's introduced me to loads of locals.

Oh The Humanity

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

In reply to Lauraloo, why is it if a guy did approach a girl out of the blue to say she was beautiful and would she like to get coffee or whatever, he is regarded as a weirdo.

Yes, he is. If some guy came up to me and said that I would be checking over my shoulder while mentally remembering where my wallet was. I'd be looking for the catch. Telling a stranger they are beautiful is overkill and would definitely get you categorised as weird in Ireland.

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

I appreciate it that, that is what 99% of women would think, but why should it be the case.

Because it is not the cultural norm. It reeks of desperation and insincerity.

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

Would the directness of it all be a refreshing alternative,

No, it would be intimidating and pushy!

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

and make a guy attractive as it shows he knows what he likes/wants, and is brave enough to go try and get it.

Unless you are Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell no it wouldn't.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Yes, he is. If some guy came up to me and said that I would be checking over my shoulder while mentally remembering where my wallet was. I'd be looking for the catch. Telling a stranger they are beautiful is overkill and would definitely get you categorised as weird in Ireland.



Because it is not the cultural norm. It reeks of desperation and insincerity.



No, it would be intimidating and pushy!



Unless you are Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell no it wouldn't.

And this is why I recommended dating foreigners earlier in the thread. Everyone is so bloody closed and judgemental in this country, its a wonder any of us have ever hooked up. If a guy chatted me up in a shop I would think:

a. fair play
b. I'm a lucky girl (considering this is Ireland)
c. if I found him attractive, yes, I'd go for a safe coffee in a public place & if he wasn't I'd handle it graciously so as not to discourage him chatting up anyone else.

Anyway op, regarding being single. If someone said you were going to meet the best bloke ever a year from now, you'd probably be absolutely fine and have the best single year ever, right? Its the not knowing thats a head wreck. Therefore ASSUME this will be your last single year ever, enjoy all the men you'll never get to date again now that you will soon be spoken for, and just get on with it.

orourkeda

Is being single such a bad thing? I dont think so. No point in a relationship for the sake of it either.

Firetrap

You're right. Better to be single than to settle for someone for the wrong reasons. Having said that, it can be lonely sometimes, especially when your friends are all hooked up and are starting to have kids. That changes things.

NickNolte

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Yes, he is. If some guy came up to me and said that I would be checking over my shoulder while mentally remembering where my wallet was. I'd be looking for the catch. Telling a stranger they are beautiful is overkill and would definitely get you categorised as weird in Ireland.



Because it is not the cultural norm. It reeks of desperation and insincerity.



No, it would be intimidating and pushy!



Unless you are Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell no it wouldn't.

OP - this is your problem right here. Irish men simply aren't willing to make any kind effort because of people like 'Oh The Humanity'. Certainly any single men your age (not that you're in any way old, of course) will be so browbeaten by the kind of judgemental, close-minded stupidity and cliqueyness of so many Irish women that they'll have just given up.

My recommendation is that you make it happen. If you see a guy you like, you chat him up. Imagine that for a forward thinking strategy!

Eve_Dublin

NickNolte wrote: »

OP - this is your problem right here. Irish men simply aren't willing to make any kind effort because of people like 'Oh The Humanity'. Certainly any single men your age (not that you're in any way old, of course) will be so browbeaten by the kind of judgemental, close-minded stupidity and cliqueyness of so many Irish women that they'll have just given up.

My recommendation is that you make it happen. If you see a guy you like, you chat him up. Imagine that for a forward thinking strategy!

Here we go....

Lilbreppintc

I dont see why you should find a man that asks you out in a shop or something wierd... Maybe hes just feels like making someones day? I like to do that with funny jestures Btw dont brand me as wierd. You shouldnt feel down about being single and there are plenty of benefits to dating online; one is that your more likely to act yourself and same with others that you are talking to. You will probebly be more open to ideas and people that you would most likely never meet irl.

Setting yourself goals is not a bad idea just kae sure you have a good chance of completing and dont forget lots of small acheivments added together make a big one!

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Here we go....

No. That's all actually.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

If someone said you were going to meet the best bloke ever a year from now, you'd probably be absolutely fine and have the best single year ever, right? Its the not knowing thats a head wreck. Therefore ASSUME this will be your last single year ever, enjoy all the men you'll never get to date again now that you will soon be spoken for, and just get on with it.

I think thats a brilliant piece of advice. I am sooo doing that. Im 29 yr old single girl. Career crises, and no savings (no debt really though). Loads of my friends are settled now, and I feel so far from that. I get so bored of the conversations sometimes, house, work, mortgages, partners etc and find myself going quiet. Plus its so hard to meet guys when your around your girls who are all settled with people.

I am gravitating towards single people I know who go to gigs, galleries, rent or move around and talk about interesting things. (Obviously its not just single people who do this). Even if I was in a relationship Id want it to feel young fun and free. I still feel like I am 24 sometimes.

Kipperhell

Speaking as a male in his mid 30s and in a relationship with single male friends I can say men my age avoid woman of their own age. All have experienced the desperate woman who is ready to settle down and is trying to establish a long term relationship in a short time. The guys don't seem to be looking at a clock where the woman seem to hear it all the time.

My female single friends often sound very desperate when talking about relationships. Some very strange crazy statements get said about not caring who they are with once they can have children has been heard more than once.

There are a few exceptions on both sides but generally like that. I would thinking worrying about it comes out and will likely deter men of your own age. So by that logic I would say don't worry about it if you want to find somebody.

I can only think about what it is like there but maybe an objective view is helpful

Karen_*

Well thats very heartening for the OP I'm sure to hear that men are avoiding her but that she's not to worry about it. Would they be the commitmentphobes by any chance? Sure no ones going to have a lasting happy relationship with them no matter what age they are.

As for any woman who doesn't care who she has her kids with well quite frankly she needs help.

Most of us want to meet someone we love and who loves us, not settle down with anyone just for the sake of it and have kids with them. The really desperate are the exception and not the rule but thing is they're noticed more.

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

Speaking as a male in his mid 30s and in a relationship with single male friends I can say men my age avoid woman of their own age. All have experienced the desperate woman who is ready to settle down and is trying to establish a long term relationship in a short time. The guys don't seem to be looking at a clock where the woman seem to hear it all the time.

My female single friends often sound very desperate when talking about relationships. Some very strange crazy statements get said about not caring who they are with once they can have children has been heard more than once.

There are a few exceptions on both sides but generally like that. I would thinking worrying about it comes out and will likely deter men of your own age. So by that logic I would say don't worry about it if you want to find somebody.

I can only think about what it is like there but maybe an objective view is helpful

Yeah, not terribly helpful. Avoiding is a bit harsh? Do they get to know the women first or is it an assumption?
There are guys like that, I dated some in the past, but I do think that most men in their 30s want to have children of their own.

OP hasn't said whether children are an issue or not.

However lets not pretend it isn't an issue for many single women. I'm a married 34 yr old chick, not long married and with lots of single friends many of them hitting the 38 mark. Its pretty obvious that you can have relationships at any age, but not kids. Wouldn't it be easier if you could separate the biology issues from the relationship issues? I know its easy for me to say as a married but if I was single I really think I'd consider sperm donation. Or going abroad travelling and coming back 'accidentally pregnant' as seems to have happened to a few girls I know recently (I think maybe they just met hot foreign lads with great genes and thought, why not?)

I realise this opionion will probably be slated. But I grew up with a single mother and TBH it wasn't that bad - and that was in the 70s/80s - nowadays there are alot more single people throughout the age groups: more chances of meeting someone later in life and alot of men don't seem to mind getting involved with a kid thats not their own. Sometimes I think my single friends with kids seem to find it easier to meet guys - perhaps because they don't come to the relationships with the same expectations and therefore less pressure?

Its a matter of priorities of course, and what kind of person you are. But you can always meet the love of your life at 44, you just can't have the kid then. The same with money. You can make it at age - but not get pregnant at any age. Just a thought.

Of course if kids aren't a priority, as they aren't for alot of my female friends, then sit back and relax!

Though the chances are the OP will still meet someone. Keep an open mind towards younger guys as well OP, a friend of mine hooked up with a 27 year old awhile back (she's 35) and I think it'll work out for them :-)

alfaromeo84

I know its frowned upon by the mods, but why not organise a boards meet up for the singles in their own counties. I'm sure i can't be the only one to have thought it, or suggested it before.

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

Speaking as a male in his mid 30s and in a relationship with single male friends I can say men my age avoid woman of their own age. All have experienced the desperate woman who is ready to settle down and is trying to establish a long term relationship in a short time.

But is that not just the way people handle lots of things as you get older? At this age, if I meet someone I know fairly soon if I want them or not. If I do want someone then I'm straight early on and if I don't, I'm not going to waste their time the way I might have in my twenties. The guys seem to have much the same attitude to be honest. Obviously you can't establish a long term rel in a short time but if two people like each other they should find out if they're on the same page. There's nothing wrong with being straight, it doesn't make you a bunny boiler, no more than I think a guy is a weirdo if he asks what I want from life on the third date (yes it has happened, men get broody too, shock horror!)

NickNolte

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah, not terribly helpful.

I thought it was really good advice to be honest. Men have emotional needs too even if they don't admit it. I'd imagine this is a trap that the odd woman falls into now and again. If a man gets a feeling that he's "Mr Right Now" and not "Mr Right" then chances are that he'll run a mile. I would.

SLUSK

So there are alot of single woman in their 30ies? where do they go? Is this an "untapped resource"?

But when you say you do not have much savings and worry about the future it makes you come across as a gold digger.

NickNolte

SLUSK wrote: »

So there are alot of single woman in their 30ies? where do they go? Is this an "untapped resource"?

No, just a bunch of birds in their 30's who thought that most normal, mortal men were beneath them in their 20's and now find themselves sitting on a shelf, realising that Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell aren't interested. So they just want to find some bloke that'll do to impregnate them and prevent them from looking like pathetic Bridget Jones types. Only to find that most guys in their 30's see right through them and aren't interested.

I wouldn't call it an untapped resource. More of a refuge of the damned, desperate and, untimately, shallow.

Eve_Dublin

NickNolte wrote: »

No, just a bunch of birds in their 30's who thought that most normal, mortal men were beneath them in their 20's and now find themselves sitting on a shelf, realising that Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell aren't interested. So they just want to find some bloke that'll do to impregnate them and prevent them from looking like pathetic Bridget Jones types. Only to find that most guys in their 30's see right through them and aren't interested.

I wouldn't call it an untapped resource. More of a refuge of the damned, desperate and, untimately, shallow.

Oh! You're back? You changed your mind? So here we go again.....

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Oh! You're back? You changed your mind? So here we go again.....

Not really much of a substantial contribution from your good self... but I've made my point. What's yours exactly?

I'lllearnye

NickNolte wrote: »

Not really much of a substantial contribution from your good self... but I've made my point. What's yours exactly?

You don't seem to have made much of a point at all. All you've done is tar a whole section of women with the same brush and vent your emotions on a woman who's looking for some advice

Eve_Dublin

NickNolte wrote: »

Not really much of a substantial contribution from your good self... but I've made my point. What's yours exactly?

I've nothing to add as I'm not in my 30s just yet (almost there! Eeek!) and I'm not single. I think the OP needs constructive advice though Nick instead of telling her your theory on why she's single. She seems quite down about it all, so much so that she's posted on here and she probably doesn't need unhelpful comments like this masked as advice right now. Think about it. Your only advice was telling her to chat up men. Not great, in fairness. I'll leave you to it, though.

Good luck OP!

NickNolte

I'lllearnye wrote: »

You don't seem to have made much of a point at all. All you've done is tar a whole section of women with the same brush and vent your emotions on a woman who's looking for some advice

Ah not really. You're too sensitive. I was just trying to explain why so many women in their 30's are finding it difficult to find a man. It's might have sounded like bitter misogyny. You can write it off as that or you can find some (God forbid) grain of truth in it.

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I've nothing to add as I'm not in my 30s just yet (almost there! Eeek!) and I'm not single. I think the OP needs constructive advice though Nick instead of telling her your theory on why she's single. She seems quite down about it all, so much so that she's posted on here and she probably doesn't need unhelpful comments like this masked as advice right now. Think about it. Your only advice was telling her to chat up men. Not great, in fairness. I'll leave you to it, though.

Good luck OP!

Hang on a second. I've been the only decent contributor to this thread.

OP - make and effort and chat men up instead of waiting for it to land in the bread basket. The fact of the matter is that no man your age is going to bother. They did it in their 20's and it didn't work. Be proactive. Don't listen to the female movement here. There are loads of great guys out there. Unfortunately by the time they get to your (our) age, they just don't see the point in chatting you up as you're likely to be like the rest. At 35, if you're still single and don't want to be, then take the risks.

Silverfish

Guys, please keep this on topic, if you have an issue with a post, report it.

NickNolte, don't attack people who come here for advice.

NickNolte

Silverfish wrote: »

Guys, please keep this on topic, if you have an issue with a post, report it.

NickNolte, don't attack people who come here for advice.

Right. Ban me for this if you like but I'm simply suggesting that the OP doesn't sit around like a wallflower and actually tries to chat a man up for a change instead of waiting for him to come to her. Where exactly did I attack anyone? My opinions may be controversial but I'm probably in a better position than anyone to give the OP advice.

Jesus, I've loads of good looking, wealthy, decent, geniune single mates (two of those qualities shouldn't matter that much but apparently they do). They're dying to meet a nice woman. The reason they'll never chat up the OP (as nice and genuine as she probably is) is because of the sheer abuse they've suffered in the past.

Pfft. I give up.

Eve_Dublin

NickNolte wrote: »

Ah not really. You're too sensitive. I was just trying to explain why so many women in their 30's are finding it difficult to find a man. It's might have sounded like bitter misogyny. You can write it off as that or you can find some (God forbid) grain of truth in it.

But you know there's a similar debate/discussion on this in humanities that you're partaking in. The OP is looking for advice, not theories on how she got to be single in her 30s. This happened before in PI and the thread was moved. I don't think I'llearnye is too sensitive but the OP might be. She doesn't deserve that kind of comment, you don't know her circumstances so I don't think you should be so quick to judge. This is an individual case...take them as they come like all PIs. She deserves respect like everybody else in here.

I'm going to get a slap on the wrist for this....

NickNolte

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

But you know there's a similar debate/discussion on this in humanities that you're partaking in. The OP is looking for advice, not theories on how she got to be single in her 30s

Yeah, you're actually dead right. I'll bail out now and wish the OP the best of luck in her hunt for a sperm donor and financier. :rolleyes:

Silverfish

I appreciate that you offered advice, NickNolte, but the fact is you also repeatedly attacked the poster.

Infracted.

Eve_Dublin, leave the modding to the mods.

NickNolte

Indeed. I'll accept my infraction and gracefully wish the OP the best of luck; along with the rest of the posters and mods on this thread. I hope it all works out for you and that you come to a satisfactory conclusion.

Kind regards to you all,
Nicholas.

Kipperhell

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah, not terribly helpful. Avoiding is a bit harsh? Do they get to know the women first or is it an assumption?
There are guys like that, I dated some in the past, but I do think that most men in their 30s want to have children of their own.

Not harsh at all. I was simply explaining that what men her own age tend to see and find a turn off. They aren't making assumption just learnt behaviour from experience. From my experience most 30s single men do not want children and to think they are will probably cause more issues. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but if you are looking for a particular type that there are not many of them it is probably best to know.

I think people can be supportive and also talk of the reality rather than actively lying to make somebody feel better. Men are often seen as emotional waste lands with little intuition. From what I see woman are used to having the upper hand of emotional intelligence and think they can hide their own feels like they are used to. However on the commitment issue men seem particularly visionary while the woman seem to be stomping around by the point people hit 30.

You can't fast track a long term relationship and I am amazed at my intelligent female friends hit 30 and then seemed to try that. The guys didn't get it either and don't feel that after a month or two there should be a big commitment. I don't think they are afraid of commitment just fast tracked ones.
So my advice is really to not worry or dwell on it because it makes the situation worse and is self perpetuating. Don't enter conversations with other singletons on it either as it is like a drug support group that gives out drugs. Men aren't really thinking any different way they just don't have the same urgency and should be respected for that rather than criticised. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

Not harsh at all. I was simply explaining that what men her own age tend to see and find a turn off. They aren't making assumption just learnt behaviour from experience. From my experience most 30s single men do not want children and to think they are will probably cause more issues. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but if you are looking for a particular type that there are not many of them it is probably best to know.

I think people can be supportive and also talk of the reality rather than actively lying to make somebody feel better. Men are often seen as emotional waste lands with little intuition. From what I see woman are used to having the upper hand of emotional intelligence and think they can hide their own feels like they are used to. However on the commitment issue men seem particularly visionary while the woman seem to be stomping around by the point people hit 30.

You can't fast track a long term relationship and I am amazed at my intelligent female friends hit 30 and then seemed to try that. The guys didn't get it either and don't feel that after a month or two there should be a big commitment. I don't think they are afraid of commitment just fast tracked ones.
So my advice is really to not worry or dwell on it because it makes the situation worse and is self perpetuating. Don't enter conversations with other singletons on it either as it is like a drug support group that gives out drugs. Men aren't really thinking any different way they just don't have the same urgency and should be respected for that rather than criticised. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar

Ah Jaysus, kipper hell, I know you're trying to help but you're also throwing out an awful load of old cliches.

I bet if the OP was the desperate/will-settle-for-anyone-to-have-kids type she probably wouldn't be in a single now. I actually DO know quite a few broody single men in their 30s, but just because someone else is in the same boat doesn't mean you'll connect. The pool is very small in Ireland, of both single men and women so of course finding a great match with such limited numbers isn't easy and hence the Great Irish Singleton Problem.
But if two people are afraid to even find out what each other wants out of life after a month or two (6 to 10 dates?) then it really is a case of the blind leading the blind.

The way I see it, if you scare the commitment phobes off sooner, you'll meet THE MAN quicker ;-)

Cause most people, male and female, will spend years messing around in long term , uncommital relationships, and then grap whoever's nearest when THEY'RE READY TO SETTLE. No point hanging around with someone who's not, and while yes, honey does work better than vinegar, you're also supposed to be adult in your 30s. Obviously you have to get to know if you want the person first...

Good advice on avoiding the singleton support groups though.

Kipperhell

Unregistered wrote: »

Ah Jaysus, kipper hell, I know you're trying to help but you're also throwing out an awful load of old cliches. etc...

I think you have done a very good job of illustrating how to ignore tried and tested knowledge by calling it a cliché and then spout the same information back. Speaking as a man if anybody was obviously rooting out who to take seriously I would avoid them not because of fear of commitment but dislike of pushy people. As I said a long term relationship in a short time is not possible.
If you are meant to be an adult by 30 then I suggest it is not very adult like to put your desires as number one in order to find a relationship where you need to share. I know there are broody men and I know they find woman in their 30s pushy and avoid them often seeing younger woman and settling down with them. Broody men don't seem any where close to broody woman and seems to be more fleeting in thoughts from my experience.

Two male friends broke up with long term partners over commitment insistence yet were well able to commit without being bossed about. Their exs are furious and are avoided now by nearly everybody. It is easier for a man to expand his options and he can always walk away if you try to corner him. Why anybody would want to enter a relationship with that at the start is really beyond me. If you can explain how it would be appealing to your average Joe who thinks more along the line of "what happens, happens" I'd like to hear it.

I don't think what you are saying is helpful in the real world but just reaffirming a flawed ideal. It would feel to me that straight away there would be an obstacle to natural progression following your advise.

The clichés you think I am using are real world people I know. I am not aware of any men that would be happy with a woman approaching the situation as you suggest and I know many dislike those who do. I think if you want to attract a partner you should be appealing to them not repelling them. You sound annoyed at how men see it rather than accepting the reality. Nobody like ultimatums implied or otherwise. I know most blokes have an issue with the term "dating" and the use of American social rules in Ireland too.

Karen_*

Have to say both Kipperhells points and the last posters are excellent.

OP there's always a Nick Nolte in every thread like this so while yes there is a grain of truth in what he says its full of sweeping generalisations.

Everyones different, different situations and different people and so there'll always be different outcomes. Don't panic but concentrate on your life and sorting finances and savings starting today. Take control of your life and things will happen for you and you are going to have relationships, they might not work out and you might still end up single but you might not. There's just no way of knowing.

Firetrap

Yeah, I think that's good advice. To be honest, whether you meet someone or not is in the lap of the gods to a certain extent. It's just as important to be pragmatic and do things that are tangible. Like starting to save up more money with the aim of buying somewhere to live. Looking into what you might need to do in order to enhance or change your career if that's what you want. Making changes to your life so that you meet more people and make more friends. There's no point in staring into the abyss and thinking that you're going to be an old cat lady. It might not happen.

LauraLoo

alfaromeo84 wrote: »

In reply to Lauraloo, why is it if a guy did approach a girl out of the blue to say she was beautiful and would she like to get coffee or whatever, he is regarded as a weirdo. I appreciate it that, that is what 99% of women would think, but why should it be the case.

Would the directness of it all be a refreshing alternative, and make a guy attractive as it shows he knows what he likes/wants, and is brave enough to go try and get it.

I honestly dont know. I agree- it would be a refreshing alternative...

Ive met my OH so i know i wont be on the dating scene again but before i met him i once approached a guy in a coffee house before. there were no other seats and i asked him if he minded if i join him. we sat in silence reading for a while and then i asked about his book. We had a good chat. If he hadn't of been a religious nut we could've ended up dating...

When i was single i used to hang around in the musuems, libraries and bookshops. Id go to places that i enjoyed- id go walking in the mountains etc. I would have loved it if a guy approached me in these places as i would know he had an interest in similar things. But at the same time it would be such an unusual occurance i would have some suspicions that he wanted something or was up to something... i honestly dont know why...

its sad really- as there are so many nice people out there, looking for nice people, but walking past each other on the streets afraid to make eye contact...

LegacyUser

Kipperhell wrote: »

I think you have done a very good job of illustrating how to ignore tried and tested knowledge by calling it a cliché and then spout the same information back. Speaking as a man if anybody was obviously rooting out who to take seriously I would avoid them not because of fear of commitment but dislike of pushy people. As I said a long term relationship in a short time is not possible.
If you are meant to be an adult by 30 then I suggest it is not very adult like to put your desires as number one in order to find a relationship where you need to share. I know there are broody men and I know they find woman in their 30s pushy and avoid them often seeing younger woman and settling down with them. Broody men don't seem any where close to broody woman and seems to be more fleeting in thoughts from my experience.

Two male friends broke up with long term partners over commitment insistence yet were well able to commit without being bossed about. Their exs are furious and are avoided now by nearly everybody. It is easier for a man to expand his options and he can always walk away if you try to corner him. Why anybody would want to enter a relationship with that at the start is really beyond me. If you can explain how it would be appealing to your average Joe who thinks more along the line of "what happens, happens" I'd like to hear it.

I don't think what you are saying is helpful in the real world but just reaffirming a flawed ideal. It would feel to me that straight away there would be an obstacle to natural progression following your advise.

The clichés you think I am using are real world people I know. I am not aware of any men that would be happy with a woman approaching the situation as you suggest and I know many dislike those who do. I think if you want to attract a partner you should be appealing to them not repelling them. You sound annoyed at how men see it rather than accepting the reality. Nobody like ultimatums implied or otherwise. I know most blokes have an issue with the term "dating" and the use of American social rules in Ireland too.

Well (me again) I'm using real world 'cliche's' too. I was straight fairly early on with my husband who I met at 33, incidentally he is Joe and he's ordinary enough (lol). I was also straight with the man before him who I was briefly engaged too (broke up for different reasons). Now the man before him... would have called me a pushy chick as yes, after a year, I pushd for commitment. He broke up with me and went out with another girl for three or four years - until she pushed for commitment and he dumped her, just like he dumped the 'pushy woman' before me! He's now single and looking for the next 'victim' (watch out girls..lol)...I suppose what I'm trying to say is that when it works it just works, as simple as that, and you can usually tell... by how you don't feel the need to play games anymore.

Nobody can ever really be manipulated into something they don't really want anyway.
You don't have to 'push' anyone into anything, just be straight about what you want and if it fits, it fits and if not no time wasted (I mean years & months, not weeks/2mths)

LegacyUser

I agree with a lot of what Nick Nolte said. I am in a relationship now with a wonderful 34 year old woman, but the girls I met in their 30s in Ireland were awful - questioning how much you had, what you drove, etc etc.

There was little or no sense of fun about them either. They were all work slaves, boring me about their "careers" all the time... I'd laugh at them thinking of all that money being spent going on holidays with their gay friends or getting the cat groomed.

As Nick alluded to, they should have copped themselves on in their 20s and got a bit of balance in their lives, rather than thinking single life was gonna be Carrie Bradshaw and cosmopolitans.

I was lucky to get out of that grizzly scene, very lucky.

annabellee77

What happens to women in their 30s????

Hmmmm.....nothing I guess but "I suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes, our entire bodies are covered in scales."