Cheated on my wife with her sister

LegacyUser

Ok first off i am not proud of what has happened and i am racked with guilt. I made a stupid mistake the weekend when my wifes sister stayed over in our house. We ended up getting very drunk and she came on to me when my wife was in bed and we ended up having sex and i am now racked with guilt.

I am feeling so ****ty and i do not know what to do, i was thinking of coming out and telling her the truth but i am fearful of what could happen as there are kids involved and her sister is also married with kids. I know it takes two to tango but i have known for sometime that her sister has had an interest and she tried it on a few times before but nothing ever happened.

The worst thing is she keeps texting looking to meet up again which i have not responded to as clearly this was a huge mistake. She obviously thinks we have done nothing wrong to be pursuing the matter further.

I am at a loss as to what to do so advice would be greatly appreciated, i appreciate i come across as a total pr1ck but this is the first time something like this has happened in our relationship of 9 years.

snowy2008

drunkeness can never be used as an excuse, her sister really must be something else, like what sort of a person does that to a family member, and kids are involved too, its despicable, you two deserve each other, if i was to give any advice it would be tell your wife before her sister gets around to it, your poor wife and kids

Crotchety

Don't tell the wife and ignore the sister. If the sister says anything tell the wife she's lying because she has a thing for you and wants to break you up.

SarahSassy

Lowest of the low for (a) cheating on yoru wife, (b) doing it in your own home, (c) doing it with her sister and (d) blaming her.

What kind of a man (and I dont mean to insult men) are you? You have now effectively destroyed 3 families, your own, the sisters and your wife's parents family... Shame on you. Tell her and let her move on and meet someone nice...

Out of curiosity, is the sister a blood sibling to your wife?

VaioCruiser

♫ wrote: »

Don't tell the wife and ignore the sister. If the sister says anything tell the wife she's lying because she has a thing for you and wants to break you up.

Agreed. Mouth SHUT. tell the sister it ends now and never gets told .. to ANYONE.

It was dumb dumb thing to do and that is being generous to you. As far as judging - I don't believe that is what we are here for. It's for you to decide.

LegacyUser

Yeah Id go with that keep schtum otherewise you will cause an unmerciful amount of grief for everyone. Make sure there is no texts or evidence that might hang you. If she tells your wife deny it down to the ground.

LegacyUser

that's what deathbed confessions are made for, and even then i'd think twice about it.

your punishment is to carry the secret forever and never be able to share it.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Lowest of the low for (a) cheating on yoru wife, (b) doing it in your own home, (c) doing it with her sister and (d) blaming her.

What kind of a man (and I dont mean to insult men) are you? You have now effectively destroyed 3 families, your own, the sisters and your wife's parents family... Shame on you. Tell her and let her move on and meet someone nice...

Out of curiosity, is the sister a blood sibling to your wife?

OP here
Do you not think i already know what i have done is extremely bad.
She is a blood sibling although i fail to see what this has to do with it. I know i have majorly fcuked up here and i also know the implications of my actions and the devestation this will cause. I have never done anything like this before (or again) but i need to know what is the right thing to do in this situation. Be honest or cover up and keep distance from the sister.

Xiney

Alright - we have established the following things with which the OP agrees:

1) OP messed up big time
2) His wife's sister also messed up but this does not in any way absolve the OP
3) OP doesn't know what to do


So. Advice. Restating the above facts is not useful anymore.

SarahSassy

I had my own reasons for asking if they are blood relations...

You cant tell her. You know you cant but you need to make this up to her for the rest of your days... The sister sounds like a bit of a loon so the sooner you tell her this was a once off the better. Finish it with the sister before it starts.

GigaByte

Unregistered wrote: »

i am racked with guilt

How are you going to feel when you look your wife in the eye and say "I love you" with this guilt in the back of your mind?

If you're ranked with guilt now you would be best to own up now, it's not going to go away.

LegacyUser

I've told you what to do and you've said it yourself. Cover up and keep away from the sister. Avoid all contact with her. If in time your wife ever questions this and pushes you on it say it is because she came on to you one night when she was drunk and you thought that this was the only way to handle the situation without causing her upset.

LegacyUser

I just hope to god you used protection.

And learn from your Big Mistake.

I feel so sorry for your wife & kids.
I think since your sister in law is not feeling
guilty than she may tell your sister what has gone on
between you two. put it this way if she is capable of sleeping with you on your
sister there is no stopping her.

Crotchety

Don't say anything. You'll forget about it eventually.

LegacyUser

Do everyone a favour and don't say a word to anybody, ignore the teenage outrage on this thread and tell sis in law that it won't be happening again, ever.

wasper

♫ wrote: »

Don't tell the wife and ignore the sister. If the sister says anything tell the wife she's lying because she has a thing for you and wants to break you up.

Ditto,
Learn from it & move on.

Silverfish

How much do you trust her sister not to confess?

Because you're not just relying on yourself to keep it from your wife, you're relying on her sister to keep the secret too.

If there's one thing I've learned, is that these things always come out, especially if both of you have issues with drunken behaviour.

By not telling your wife, you're adding lying on top of the cheating, and that's just a complete slap in the face.

Crotchety

Yes but like I said deny it when she does tell.

Xiney

Musical Note and bobbysands81

Both infracted for unhelpful posting (these have been deleted)

Please have a read of the forum charter, further unhelpful posts will earn you a ban.

Ta.

Xiney

Samanthawho

I can't even belive this story is true, but if it is be a man and tell your wife. You deserve everything you get! Why should you live a happy life with her when you do not love or respect her. Tell her the truth

evogirl

its a tough one. id say dont tell her. you say it was a once off and you're obviously very guilty. Nothing good will come out of telling her, only hurt. the only thing is, as said already, how much can you trust her sister to keep quiet.?

Crotchety

Sorry about my earlier post there. Yes. Don't tell her because you will ruin yourself and your wife and kids.

petethebrick

Horrible situation there OP.
Have been in a similiar situation before. I cheated on my girlfriend who I was living with at the time. It was with a drunken threesome with two girls which made the situation worse/ more difficult to confess to.
I never did but was racked with guilt/ couldn't sleep etc. Broke up eventually for other reasons but the relationship hadn't been the same since my cheating.

If you think you'll be able to deal with keeping it secret long term and also that your wives sister won't say anything then maybe to say nothing is the best advice. Some people are able to handle living with the guilt and others aren't I think. Whatever you do good luck!

Silverfish

♫ wrote: »

Sorry about my earlier post there. Yes. Don't tell her because you will ruin yourself and your wife and kids.

No, he did that by sleeping with the sister.

LegacyUser

Samanthawho wrote: »

I can't even belive this story is true, but if it is be a man and tell your wife. You deserve everything you get! Why should you live a happy life with her when you do not love or respect her. Tell her the truth

Who said he doesnt love and respect her? It was a drunken shag. Dishonest yes but no harm done.What is there to achieve by telling his wife other than casting himself into the wilderness not to mention causing havoc in the whole family?

hobochris

Samanthawho wrote: »

I can't even belive this story is true, but if it is be a man and tell your wife. You deserve everything you get! Why should you live a happy life with her when you do not love or respect her. Tell her the truth

The only problem is he is not the only one that will be effected by this. What about the kids?

Granted He made a mistake and deserves punishment but do his kids should the op and his wife split?

although on the other had, the sister sounds like she could be the type to blackmail the op for more sex and whatever else she thinks he can give her.

Xiney

ONCE AGAIN (last time)

The OP would like advice on what he should do.

He's already accepted that he acted badly.


Advice only from this point on. Anything else will be considered OFF TOPIC and will get infracted/deleted/banned for repeated offences.

Crotchety

Take a leaf out of the book belonging to the good church woman Maud - wife of Flanders.

"Please somebody, think of the children".

The Simpsons

The children need you so don't break up.

~me~

be a man and tell her.

Terodil

You should tell her, you owe that much at least to your wife! Get her out of the dark and let HER decide if/how she sees the future together with you. Don't worry about her sister (she should own up too anyway). This is between you and your wife.

Honestly, if you don't own up now you will not only have made one terrible mistake, you will have added another conscious decision to hurt her even further by keeping her in the dark. What bigger insult/hurt can you come up with than keeping a presumably/formerly/... loved one in the dark?

Samanthawho

He should have taught about his kids, before sleeping with their aunty!! A lot of families in this day and age only have 1 parent, and i know its not nice, but they would probably better off without him. He has no respect for his wife, and no self control over who he sleeps with, drunk or sober, he should not have done it, and he should tell his wife, and take it like a man. He deserves everything he gets. He took his wife for granted and is too afraid to tell her the truth. Its is wife, not a girlfriend or fiancee, his wife! He should have known better

Spencer87

Is the sister more of a babe than your wife? This could work out as a tasty little bit on the side for you @pace

LegacyUser

Firstly- continue to ignore the text messages from the sister. Dont even engage her. She is looking for any attention and even negative attention (i.e Go away!) will feed her need. DOnt tell her anything about how you feel. As she took advantage of your drunken state she will take advantage of your vulnerable guilty state and before you know you'll be roped in. (im not saying that she is 100% responsible which has already been discussed). Women are very smart at getting what they want- i know because i am one.

This situation is a persons worst nightmare- especially when you love someone. To be drunk and out of control like that has essentially ruined your life- i would make a point to never get that drunk again. If you cannot have a drink and stay in control then give it up. Otherwise- learn to stop when you need to.

In one way- i would say do not tell her, for the sake of the kids. Your penance is to carry that for the rest of your life.

In another way- what real quality will your relationship hold if you are lying to her for the rest of your life?

I dont know- but at the end of the day, if i were the wife to a man who cheated, and we had young children, i would rather he not tell me for the sake of the kids. In my opinion, as a mother, i would rather sacrifice my relationship to preserve my children's mental and emotional wellbeing.

What i will say to you though is, if you decide not to tell her, you need to go talk to someone about it- go see a counselor. You need to go to someone who can help you move forward and also deal with the guilt inside you. Otherwise you'll do damage to yourself in the long term by burying it up.

It may also do you good to see where in your relationship you can improve things- look for any little cracks within your relationship that could be repaired. You need to re-light the spark.

Trinity

You have no idea of the damage that will be caused not only to your wife but your children if you tell her

While i am all for honesty i have seen the devastation this type of thing can cause with a domino affect on everyone around you for years to come

You had better hope your sister in law is not as stupid as she sounds

Sibling jealousy to the extreme imho

iguana

A woman who will come on to her sister's husband until he shags her and then start texting him indicating she wants to do it again, will tell her sister what happened at some point. The odds of you keeping this from your wife are miniscule.

Your options are to tell your wife yourself or wait for the sister to tell her. You have to decide which will be worse. Obviously if your sister-in-law tells her you can try to accuse her of lying, but the doubt will be there in your wife's mind and she will ask around and the chances are that your story won't add up.

I honestly think the more you lie the less chance you have of your wife forgiving you. And the longer it takes for this to come out the more you will lie. And I don't honestly see any way that this won't come out. The other woman is her sister. Even if your s-i-l doesn't tell your wife she is likely to tell someone else, who could easily tell your wife. There is no way your wife won't find out at some point.

SarahMc

iguana wrote: »

A woman who will come on to her sister's husband until he shags her and then start texting him indicating she wants to do it again, will tell her sister what happened at some point. The odds of you keeping this from your wife are miniscule.

+1, there is a very dysfunctional dynamic between this woman and your wife, thats some ace she has up her sleeve, and she WILL use it.

But whoever tells your wife, I honestly can't see her forgiving you, and the marriage being saved. Really its thinking about which way will cause the least damage to your relationship with your children and wife in order that there is some form of salveagble relationship, whatever that may be.

SarahMc

SarahMc wrote: »

+1, there is a very dysfunctional dynamic between this woman and your wife, thats some ace she has up her sleeve, and she WILL use it.

But whoever tells your wife, I honestly can't see her forgiving you, and the marriage being saved. Really its thinking about which way will cause the least damage to your relationship with your children and wife in order that there is some form of salveagble relationship, whatever that may be.

How in god's name can there be any kind of salvageable relationship by not just cheating but lying on top.
Christ, the advice I see on here - protect her by lying to her, protect the kids by lying to her, give me a break. What a load of horses*.
He's already cheated on her. It's done. None of this "try and salvage the relationship" crap is up to him anymore.
He does NOT get the right to decide FOR her whether she should stay in the relationship or not by lying to her. He gave that up when he cheated.

The devastation would not be caused by the honesty, it HAS BEEN caused by him cheating.
Honestly, this is completely mindboggling.

The only problem is he is not the only one that will be effected by this. What about the kids?

What about them? He should have thought of them before it was done; now it's done and mouthing platitudes and advising them to pretend to play happy families after a huge betrayal like that, wtf?
:mad::mad:
Yeah, let's teach the kids that lying to mommy is perfectly ok because it'll make him feel better in some sort of patronising self-conscience easing.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Toots

OP, the advice I always give when someone posts a thread like this is: If it was a once off random occurrence (say with a stranger) and there's absolutely no chance at all that your wife will find out, and it absolutely positively 100% will never ever happen again, then say nothing. However, if there's even the slightest chance that she'll find out, tell her before somebody else does.

The sister sounds like a bit of work, and if she is as infatuated with you as you say, then there's a chance that she might have the misguided notion that telling your wife would drive you into her arms. I would text her and say what happened was a mistake, it will never happen again, and you don't wish to hear from her again, other than at family functions where avoiding her would be impossible. Then you need to suck it up and tell your wife.

NilByMouth

Say nothing.What she doesnt know about wont hurt her(or the kids).Unlike some boardsies I cant tell the future so i dont know if the sister will land you in sh1t or not.

If she does,admitt to it and deal with all the sh1t then.

People do make mistakes(and some seriously fcuk up like yerself)but it doesnt nessarily mean you dont love her or that it was any more than just sex..

Having said that..stupid..stupid

Crotchety

Don't say anything. You might get lucky and die a happy man without her ever finding out.

Terodil

♫ wrote: »

Don't say anything. You might get lucky and die a happy man without her ever finding out.

How can you be happy when you are living a huge lie? not just that, actually making somebody else live a huge lie too?

That takes a lot of thick skin.

Nervous Wreck

Tbh, I think this is one of those cases wherein the advice you seek here is useless. The decision is already made in your head (at least for the moment). If you were going to tell your wife, you would have done so by now. You'll keep quiet for as long as you can and if the time does eventually come that you're overwhelmed by the guilt, you'll blurt it out and cry and beg for forgiveness.

There is no 'right thing to do' in this situation (not objectively anyway). You already know that you've committed the crime. The aftermath is just that. And it's totally subjective. There's no advice anyone here can give you. You'll stay quiet for as long as the situation and your conscience will allow.

Good luck to your wife.

Crotchety

Yes. No point is asking us. Half us say Shut up. The other crowd say tell her. You should go and seek professional help or something. You GP might be able to help. Good Luck

Famous45

Put your cards on the table, you have a very poor hand, but the best hand doesn't always win so there is some hope that your wife will, over the course of a while, understand that you made a huge mistake but everything you had is still worth having.

The sister has obviously very little respect for her entire family and as much as you are at fault, she did in a way force you into it. If you let this lie, she will have superior control of you and I reckon the next few years of your life could be made hell from her.

Own up and face the consequences but do not go down without a fight and do what you have to prove to your wife that she is the one you want to be with.

It's a crisis and one I hope you overcome.

LegacyUser

Keep your mouth shut and dont do it again. If you tell wife, then your marraige (if it survives) will never be the same. I repeat, mouth shut - if you feel guilty contribute to charity, or do some sort of penance (the lake place) but say nothing to wife.

Crotchety

No please don't own up. You're not the first lad to sucumb to a tasty piece of foreign flesh. It's natural. You're wife won't find out unless the sister tells her. But you can tell your wife she's jealous of you and wants to break you up. Don't let one mistake ruin your life.

~me~

its natural to find someone else attractive, its not natural to sleep with your wifes sister.

Terodil

♫ wrote: »

You're not the first lad to sucumb to a tasty piece of foreign flesh.

Reading this, I feel ashamed to share the fraction of humans called 'men' with you. This is so wrong from start to finish that my usually steadfast grip on reason and self-control is rapidly failing.

Crotchety

It's still natural to find the sister attractive. It's healthy to sleep with them. That's what fella's chat about down at the pub. It's not as if he slept with his sister, is it!

Crotchety

Terodil wrote: »

Reading this, I feel ashamed to share the fraction of humans called 'men' with you. This is so wrong from start to finish that my usually steadfast grip on reason and self-control is rapidly failing.

It's true. He isn't the first fella to play away games, is he? Some men get sick of the same woman all the time. It's part of the male psycho.