I have done something silly

LegacyUser

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we get on really well but i have a really good male friend who i have a slight crush on, only thing is he is approaching 50 and i am 20. We ended up going out for drinks and i went back to his and slept with him and i feel so guilty but part of me wants to meet him again tomorrow as my boyfriend will be away. I cant stop thinking about this guy as the sex was so fantastic.

Salome

You've cheated on your BF - what do you want us to tell you? Go for it cos the sex was great? Cop on to yourself.

Profiler

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we get on really well but ...

Time to be honest with your partner of 4 years, you owe it to him.

For what it is worth I can't see you two seeing out the 5th year.

LegacyUser

dam right u have done something silly.
if u have had the balls to go off with another bloke,
at least have the balls to tell your partner of 4years face to face exactly what you have been up to.
and do not see or go near the 50 year old until you have talked to your partner.

Sarah W

Silly? Is that what you call cheating on your partner? Perhaps you should balance it by doing something sensible by telling him about your act of 'silliness' and let him decide....

Oh, and what do you do if you have a 'major' crush on someone??!

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we get on really well .

You get on well? Like friends do? Should this not read, "and we love each other very much"

Unregistered wrote: »

but i have a really good male friend who i have a slight crush on .

Stop right there, the minute he becomes a crush, you deal with it or walk away. WHY? 4 years spent with a man who loves you is why.

Unregistered wrote: »

only thing is he is approaching 50 and i am 20. We ended up going out for drinks and i went back to his and slept with him .

Nothing i can add here that every other post hasint covered other than if you want live the single "oh but the sex was so hot" life, go for it, but do not make a mockery out of your boyfriend.

Unregistered wrote: »

and i feel so guilty but part of me wants to meet him again tomorrow as my boyfriend will be away. I cant stop thinking about this guy as the sex was so fantastic.

Guilty how? You are looking forward to meeting the guy again.

NickNolte

You need to grow up and have some respect for people.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we get on really well but i have a really good male friend who i have a slight crush on, only thing is he is approaching 50 and i am 20. We ended up going out for drinks and i went back to his and slept with him and i feel so guilty but part of me wants to meet him again tomorrow as my boyfriend will be away. I cant stop thinking about this guy as the sex was so fantastic.

Forget the judgmental moralists sweetheart. Let's look at where you stand now. Ignore the 'cheating' rubbish. You've been dating but you are not engaged or married. So you have a crush on an older man and want more of him. It's not that unusual. he is experienced and clearly your relationship with the bf is perhaps underwhelming.

I say go ahead and spend more time with your older guy and see what happens. Are you prepared to lose your existing bf ? Do you think that it can work between you and the 50 yo ? Do you want to have a great fling and then start from scratch looking for another partner ? Maybe it was coming to a natural end anyway ? These are some of the things you need to think about.
As someone who is close to 50 mark, I would say that it would be a rare 50 yo who could sustain a relationship with a 20yo. There is so much generational difference. So it would probably be a beautiful time, but limited. However maybe that's enough. Beautiful experiences are part of life.

All the best.

NickNolte

Don't allow yourself to be appeased. You're a betrayer and cheater. Most importantly, have at least a small amount of respect for your b/f and tell him you've been screwing another man so he can go and get himself tested for STD's.

stepbar

Ah, ease up on the girl. The lad she's with is probably her first bf. If it's not to be so be it. There's probably other issues that made her go down this road. I'd be having a chat with the bf TBH. It seems like the current relationship has run it's course.

epik

VaioCruiser wrote: »

As someone who is close to 50 mark, I would say that it would be a rare 50 yo who could sustain a relationship with a 20yo. There is so much generational difference. So it would probably be a beautiful time, but limited. However maybe that's enough. Beautiful experiences are part of life.

All the best.

lol. Of course you'd endorse that sort of thing!

Seriously though OP, tell your bf. Deal with the **** and move on. I'm not saying I approve or anything but it'd be hypocritical of me to judge you. I've been on both sides and its horrible. Deal with it.

VaioCruiser

epik wrote: »

lol. Of course you'd endorse that sort of thing!

With respect, I would really appreciate if you would stick to the issue and not make personal judgmental remarks about me. You don't know me, you don't know my life.

epik

VaioCruiser wrote: »

With respect, I would really appreciate if you would stick to the issue and not make personal judgmental remarks about me. You don't know me, you don't know my life.

You're right I don't know you or your life and for what its worth that remark was in jest. My apologies if you took offence to it. However saying it would probably be a beautiful time when you don't know her or her life either is a bit rich IMO. It may be! Who knows? Life is a game as you just remarked in another thread, but have respect for all players.

Zaph

epik wrote: »

lol. Of course you'd endorse that sort of thing!

epik, unhelpful and off-topic posts can earn you an infraction and/or ban. Kindly read the charter before posting again.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

With respect, I would really appreciate if you would stick to the issue and not make personal judgmental remarks about me. You don't know me, you don't know my life.

VaioCruiser, if you have an issue with a particular post please use the report post function rather than responding on-thread. Thanks.

Liam Byrne

stepbar wrote: »

It seems like the current relationship has run it's course.

It should have been clear that it has "run its course" before she cheated.

If a pint is gone flat and you order a new one, you don't leave the flat one there in case you're still thirsty after the new one.

OP, "silly" isn't the word. You should have respected your (ex) boyfriend enough to end it before going off with someone else.

VaioCruiser

epik wrote: »

You're right I don't know you or your life and for what its worth that remark was in jest. My apologies if you took offence to it.

I accept. I wasn't offended. I just prefer we don't go down that road, as we all have issues and it will get us all no where.

However saying it would probably be a beautiful time when you don't know her or her life either is a bit rich IMO.

You may well feel that. But that is my opinion and that is what we are offering here. I believe life is for the living.

It may be! Who knows? Life is a game as you just remarked in another thread, but have respect for all players.

Read my post again again - I say that life is NOT a game... and if you read my posts you will see how much I respect others and avoid judgments, unlike many others.

All the best.

zxcvbnm1

May i add there is something paticularly unwolesome about a 50 year old shagging a 20 year old.

In my book he is a sleaze.

Liam Byrne

BTW, I have to say that I love the "slight crush" description!

If I ended up sleeping with everyone I had a "slight crush" on, I'd be worn out! :P

OP, whatever about the judgement(al) calls on your initial action and lack of self-control, DO NOT take the opportunity of your b/f being away to meet this guy.....if you want to meet him again, do the decent thing and end it with your b/f FIRST.

epik

@VaioCruiser - Fair enough.

Take it easy.

VaioCruiser

epik wrote: »

@VaioCruiser - Fair enough.

Take it easy.

U2

VaioCruiser

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

May i add there is something paticularly unwolesome about a 50 year old shagging a 20 year old.

In my book he is a sleaze.

In my book that is a very age-ist and judgmental thing to say. I'll be honest and say that the age difference makes me feel that it is not going to work.. and not the wisest thing to do, on both sides. But both are mature adults and I don't accept there is anything sleazy about two grown adults sharing affection for each other.

All the best.

Tea_Bag

End it with both the guys. apologise profusely to you're ex bf for not respecting him, or yourself, and then think wisely where your relationship with the 50 yo guy will go. your life is just starting now and his is closing, as far as being an active member of a relationship (that you'd be expecting)

VaioCruiser

Tea_Bag wrote: »

End it with both the guys. apologise profusely to you're ex bf for not respecting him, or yourself, and then think wisely where your relationship with the 50 yo guy will go. your life is just starting now and his is closing, as far as being an active member of a relationship (that you'd be expecting)

Even more outrageously age-ist stuff. How appalling to really think that a 50 year old person life is closing ??? as an active member of a relationship ?? How can this possibly be a serious comment ?

Eun

girls like you make me sick, im sorry to say but you do! And the fact that hes 30years older???? whats wrong with you??!

*Page*

op
tell your bf, break up with him and hook up h your older man....

you have no respect for your current partner so at least have the kindness not to lure him in to staying with you.

As for you want another Shag from a mam around the same age as your father then go for it. Some say age is just a number (i think its wrong to be with someone that old but thats just me)....

what do you want advice for really?
what do you want to hear
"aw it can happen to anyone... its ok"
"go you, you bagged an older man!!!"
"your boyfriend loves you and will forgive you"


None of these things matter, it wasnt an acident, it was a choice.
if you do it again its because you chose to...
if you lie to your bf your a worse person than you just protrayed yourself to be (not saying you are)....
take the higher road and tell your bf, dont have sex with the older guy again.... one time is enough to hurt your bf... you dont need to turn the blade again.... And dont stay with your bf!!!



from me....

a slightly bitter person who has been cheated on by an x partner..... So knows how your bf will feel....

seanybiker

leave your boyfriend for his sake. Least then he can go off and easily find someone better than you.

Tea_Bag

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Even more outrageously age-ist stuff. How appalling to really think that a 50 year old person life is closing ??? as an active member of a relationship ?? How can this possibly be a serious comment ?

im not being ageist in the way you believe i am.

Do you HONESTLY believe a 50 yo man would be able to support a relationship with a 20 yo emotionally and physically? how would it go down with her family/friends? do not say "the only important thing is they love each other" cause a) its just a crush, and b) a social life is pretty important to young people, and when your friends have a couples night out, how would it make you feel if a friend of yours brought their dads friend with them? or, just as likely (little, admittedly), you'd know the guys son/daughter, cause you went to school/college with them

god knows theres more to it than sex. with viagra huge hefner can happily have sex untill he dies, which will probably be when he's 101 years old. and the OP stated the sex was fantastic. but you need more than that. lots more.

C0ward

Grandad hit the jackpot

Wibbs

C0ward Take a week off and please read the charter of this forum before posting again. Thanks.

wasper

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we get on really well but i have a really good male friend who i have a slight crush on, only thing is he is approaching 50 and i am 20. We ended up going out for drinks and i went back to his and slept with him and i feel so guilty but part of me wants to meet him again tomorrow as my boyfriend will be away. I cant stop thinking about this guy as the sex was so fantastic.

You are only 20 & too early to settle with one person. I say take advantage of you BF being away. Many lads will go with an older woman for the experience. So I don't see why it should be different for women.

Front

wasper wrote: »

You are only 20 & too early to settle with one person. I say take advantage of you BF being away. Many lads will go with an older woman for the experience. So I don't see why it should be different for women.

Or she could do the decent thing and end it with her bf before shagging this dude again.

End it with the BF. No need to tell him you shagged someone else if you are ending it anyway. If you are going to try stay with your BF, you should tell him.

IMO if you see this bloke again before you sort things out with your BF you are a nasty piece of work and deserve to be alone long after this older man gets bored of you and kicks you to the kerb

Nitxteha

what you did is not silly, it's totally wrong, and you know. Don't try to easy your conscience by looking for positive comments here.. Talk to your boyfriend. You are going to break his heart.

All acts have consequences and we have to think before acting, specially when our acts can hurt a third person. If you wanted to "experiment" with other people, as someone suggested, you should have ended your relationship first.

star.chaser

Unregistered wrote: »

we get on really well

Says it all really Sounds like your getting mixed up between boyfriend and longterm F$!£buddy. As for that dirty old fella filling you up with drink so he could have his wicked ways with you :rolleyes: can't blame him really though. throwing a sausage up o connell streeet is the phrase that comes to mind tight is right?

LegacyUser

star.chaser wrote: »

Says it all really Sounds like your getting mixed up between boyfriend and longterm F$!£buddy. As for that dirty old fella filling you up with drink so he could have his wicked ways with you :rolleyes:

Couldn't agree more. OP, your boyfriend doesn't seem to mean very much to you, at all.

SNIP

Wagon

How about you break up with your boyfriend first before you sleep with someone old enough to be your dad again? Don't do it behind his back because he'll be over you faster when he sees how far you are willing to go for a shag.

"Silly thing" my bollocks.

snowy2008

ah your only young, maybe the op is going thru a phase of thinking that since guys mature slower than girls, maybe the 50 yr old was on her wave lenght or maybe had lots of cash,l either way its unacceptable and wrong, the man was 30 and she wasnt even born! op, smart yourself up, finish with your boyfriend and avoid the old man, you need to discover yourself!

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

both are mature adults

Both mature adults? A typo i'm assuming? Both adults a better choice of words maybe. And in responce to some of the other replies saying this relationship will never work. Eh, Somehow don't think either of them expect this to blossom into a long term, loving, trusting relationship. Silly is just looking for a good shag while grandad is looking for tightness and wrinkle free.

givyjoe81

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Forget the judgmental moralists sweetheart. Let's look at where you stand now. Ignore the 'cheating' rubbish. You've been dating but you are not engaged or married. So you have a crush on an older man and want more of him. It's not that unusual. he is experienced and clearly your relationship with the bf is perhaps underwhelming.

I say go ahead and spend more time with your older guy and see what happens. Are you prepared to lose your existing bf ? Do you think that it can work between you and the 50 yo ? Do you want to have a great fling and then start from scratch looking for another partner ? Maybe it was coming to a natural end anyway ? These are some of the things you need to think about.
As someone who is close to 50 mark, I would say that it would be a rare 50 yo who could sustain a relationship with a 20yo. There is so much generational difference. So it would probably be a beautiful time, but limited. However maybe that's enough. Beautiful experiences are part of life.

All the best.

I find it hard to believe this isnt a piss take if not your living in la la land, and thats an understatement. Go ahead and spend more time with the guy? So she can jump his bones some more?!:rolleyes: Christ, its wrong, end of, no justification or rationale.

Would you be happy if your 20 year old daughter was sleeping with a 50 year old?! You'd be justificably angry too.

daveyboy_1ie

Is this your first time you cheated on your bf, or is this a regular occurance?

LauraLoo

This isnt "sex and the city"

This is a real life, real feelings, real self esteem and a real heart that you're breaking whether your boyf knows about the cheating or not.

Break up with the boyf before you do it again- as a mark of respect for him. You may not be in love him after 5 years but surely you do love him? Even as a friend? at least give him some respect.

As for the owfella- everyones life experience is different and maybe this is part of yours- i dunno. Its not up to anyone to judge whether its right or wrong when you are making a conscious decision about it. Thats up to you to discern whether its right or not for you. J

Liam Byrne

Take the age thing out of it completely, and you have a post where the OP is looking to "take advantage" of her b/f being away to shag someone she has a "slight crush" on.

Regardless of the age of the "crush" (it's her business who she fancies or wants to jump) the fact is that she's acting like a bitch to her b/f....

Once is bad enough; twice - and planning it while he's going to be away - is WELL out of order.

Finish with the b/f and then personally I don't care who she spends her nights with - that's her business.

But she should do the decent thing FIRST (actually, she should have done that before the original shag, but that can't be undone now).

She has no regard or respect for her b/f WHATSOEVER, and should leave him so that he can find someone better.

Astrogeek

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Take the age thing out of it completely, and you have a post where the OP is looking to "take advantage" of her b/f being away to shag someone she has a "slight crush" on.

Regardless of the age of the "crush" (it's her business who she fancies or wants to jump) the fact is that she's acting like a bitch to her b/f....

Once is bad enough; twice - and planning it while he's going to be away - is WELL out of order.

Finish with the b/f and then personally I don't care who she spends her nights with - that's her business.

But she should do the decent thing FIRST (actually, she should have done that before the original shag, but that can't be undone now).

She has no regard or respect for her b/f WHATSOEVER, and should leave him so that he can find someone better.

Well said!

ManOfMystery

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Take the age thing out of it completely, and you have a post where the OP is looking to "take advantage" of her b/f being away to shag someone she has a "slight crush" on.

Regardless of the age of the "crush" (it's her business who she fancies or wants to jump) the fact is that she's acting like a bitch to her b/f....

Once is bad enough; twice - and planning it while he's going to be away - is WELL out of order.

Finish with the b/f and then personally I don't care who she spends her nights with - that's her business.

But she should do the decent thing FIRST (actually, she should have done that before the original shag, but that can't be undone now).

She has no regard or respect for her b/f WHATSOEVER, and should leave him so that he can find someone better.

Hit the nail on the head

VaioCruiser

givyjoe81 wrote: »

I find it hard to believe this isnt a piss take if not your living in la la land, and thats an understatement. Go ahead and spend more time with the guy? So she can jump his bones some more?!:rolleyes: Christ, its wrong, end of, no justification or rationale.

Would you be happy if your 20 year old daughter was sleeping with a 50 year old?! You'd be justificably angry too.

Sorry to disappoint but I don't feel the same kind of prejudiced moral and age-ist outrage you appear to feel. She is a mature adult and I believe people should have more respect for that. I stand by my advice.

Wibbs

I think everyone needs to take a step back and try and give understanding advice and not just the usual kneejerk responses.

Oryx

Morality is over there for this post >>>>>>>>

I think too, that the age difference is irrellevant to what has gone on here. You slept with a guy you fancied (only slightly, mind) and the question is, why? And why are you so excited, in spite of your guilt, and wanting to do it again?

Sounds to me like you feel like you owe your bf a debt of commitment because youve been together for so long. But at the same time need to live like a single girl, you need to do the things single girls your age do. To live out some mad dreams. Youve practically grown up with your bf, he is naturally a regular part of your life you may find it hard to live without. (Hence the cheating rather than leaving him first).

But your acting like a big girl, sexually liberated and all that, so its time to do the hard stuff that goes with that. Leave your fella, comfortable and all as he may be. Youve clearly outgrown the relationship or at least need to spread your wings. Leaving now might mean you preserve your self respect and dont become buried in feelings of guilt about what you are doing. It will be hard, but you NEED to do this. Hes not right for you or you wouldnt be sabotaging it by sleeping with someone you only mildly fancied. (Even if that turned out well in the end).

MelanieC

Look, I'm not going to get into the details of this which some people have become caught up in (age etc) but I will say this much -
You do not love your boyfriend. Observe -

• In your original post you never once mentioned love, you said ye simply "get on well".
• You referred to your cheating on him as a "silly thing", not a terrible unforgivable thing like you would if you had cheated on someone you actually are in love with.
• You not only cheated on him already but are considering doing it again - if you really felt bad about deceiving a loved one you would not even be able to think about repeating it.
• You say you feel guilty but posting this here and gushing about how good the sex was and how you want to do it again reeks of gossip and bragging, not guilt and heartbreak.

So, bottom line - You are not in love with your bf so do the decent thing and let him go.
Regardless of what else has or hasn't happened a relationship cannot survive healthily without love and there is no love here (on your side at least) so there is essentially no relationship. End of story.

partyguinness

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Forget the judgmental moralists sweetheart. Let's look at where you stand now. Ignore the 'cheating' rubbish. You've been dating but you are not engaged or married. So you have a crush on an older man and want more of him. It's not that unusual. he is experienced and clearly your relationship with the bf is perhaps underwhelming.

I say go ahead and spend more time with your older guy and see what happens. Are you prepared to lose your existing bf ? Do you think that it can work between you and the 50 yo ? Do you want to have a great fling and then start from scratch looking for another partner ? Maybe it was coming to a natural end anyway ? These are some of the things you need to think about.
As someone who is close to 50 mark, I would say that it would be a rare 50 yo who could sustain a relationship with a 20yo. There is so much generational difference. So it would probably be a beautiful time, but limited. However maybe that's enough. Beautiful experiences are part of life.

All the best.

Exactly..hedge your bets...and who cares about hurting other people sure as long as you are having a "beautiful experience"..who cares..eh?:rolleyes:

That is the saddest most selfish advice I have ever read..:(

Wibbs

I would personally tend to agree with Liam Byrne.

Anyway, take the age thing out of it as Oryx wrote. It's blindsiding some I feel. The fact is the OP is being dishonest with her current partner. That is the thing she needs to address first and foremost IMHO.

If she is unhappy in her current relationship then I would say she should leave it. Simple as. Forgetting the "moral" angle for a second, it's the emotional fallout that would concern me. For her partner, for her and even the other guy. There are emotionally immature and/or vulnerable 50 year olds out there too. Age doesn't always bring sense in my experience. Sometimes quite the opposite. The fact someone has reached certain milestones in life can often bring a blind hubris in quite a few(indeed if not most IME).

So people instinctively view cheating as a bad bet, for many reasons, sometimes bad reasons, but just as often for good ones. We can go on about life's rich tapestry and moral equivalence and go with the flow etc, but where people can get emotionally hurt I figure sod that. This goes double for her boyfriend who unless he is abusive to her is the innocent party in this three way tale. He's the baseline with the most to lose in this. Then her and her lover follow.

Now lets get to the age thing. Lets forget about lack of things in common for a second, the usual reason given. Many couples do alright with very different backgrounds. I would also agree with VaioCruiser in that this lasting any way long is unlikely. However I don't agree with his take of going with the flow at all as it smacks too much of self centered behaviour for me. But that's cool, always best to have two sides.

The biggest issue I would have with these may september relationships is often the emotional power is too far one way. I'm 42 and compared to my 20 year old self? I could wind up the average 20 year old woman who was interested in me like a clockwork toy. With an immature 20 year old? I could impersonate Mystic Meg and damn near tell you what she was going to next. It would be far less of an equal relationship than one where the age gap and stage of life was less. Pretty much why I would avoid it like the plague. Hey I am well aware that this can be part of the attraction for the younger woman. The idea of being directed and caught up in the whole thing. Being led by a mature man and all that. That can be very powerful mojo to many, especially if they're used to many guys their own age being more acquiescent. Yes she has some power too. Her youth which is likely to be the main attraction for the guy in the first place. The thing is for most people, men and women just out of their teens, their self knowledge is rarely sufficient enough to make it more an equal relationship by comparison.

So OK OP, you are attracted to the 50 year old. Good for you. Whatever floats your boat. You say you get on with your BF, but the passion sounds lacking somewhat. You've hit the 4 year mark and the initial zing is well gone. You've also been going out with him a long time at that age. They are very formative years and perhaps you feel the need to spread your wings. Natural enough, so you look around. You see other men where once you ony had eyes for your BF. Again natural enough.

But and it's a big but, if you respect the memory of how you used to feel about your BF of 4 years, then respect that memory enough to leave the lad cleanly, to try to give him the best chance of moving forward, or if you feel the love is still there but dormant, then try to fire up that zing again. Don't be an in the middle person. It ends up doing no one any good, least of all you. See it as a learning experience. Hey if you leave your BF, have the great sex and passion with the half century dude, but don't put too much of your heart into it. Go and cop off with guys your own age, go mad in Ibiza or wherever, whatever you need to do(so long as your safe).

OK as usual I witter on. Short answer as above; If you respect the memory of how you used to feel about your BF of 4 years, then respect that memory enough to leave the lad cleanly, or try to fire up that zing again.

shaz22

I would look at the reason why you went off with this other guy, is there something missing in your relationship? are you unhappy?

Toots

OP, as others have said, it sounds to me like things have fizzled out with your current BF. If you want to pursue things with this other guy (either full on relationship or something more casual), then that's for you to decide. I'd say if you really want to be with him again, then go for it, but end things with your BF first.

Please don't try carrying on a relationship with your BF and this other guy, for several reasons.
1. It's incredibly disrespectful, and even if you're no longer in love with your BF, there's no excuse for treating him this way.
2. There's always the chance that you could catch something from this guy, and pass it on to your BF. It'd be hard enough for him to find out that you'd been cheating on him without being left a 'parting gift' for his troubles.
3. I don't know whether or not your BF would take a break up well, or whether things would turn nasty, but you can be damn sure it would make things pretty acrimonious between you if he were to discover you were sleeping with someone else behind his back.

I don't mean this to sound smart, but are you sure this other guy wants to meet up again? Has he been in touch since? If you found out that he didn't want to see you again, would it affect how you're feeling now about your BF? Would you still like to sleep with him again? I think either way you should end things with your BF because the impression that I get from your post is that your relationship is more of a friendship now.