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23 year olds rejection of his baby sister :(

  • 20-06-2009 06:31PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi,have to go unregistered for this for obvious reasons.
    Ok I recently had a baby girl 3 months ago and when we told my son (23) and his sister that there was a baby on the way he wasn't impressed at all but his older sister (25) was and has been brilliant all the way through the pregnancy and now helping out with the baby etc but my son just wouldn't accept the fact that we were having another baby at our age-I'm 44 and so is my husband.

    At first he was saying how we're too old and it'll be hell for everyone at this age having a new baby in the house and how me and his dad can kiss goodbye to ever having any peace and quiet in our retirement age etc and basically said he wants nothing and no involvement in it's upbringing and how I shouldn't be thinking that he would and will be there for me and the baby when it's born as he won't (and isn't) .

    All the way through the pregnancy it was his sister that was always there and giving a helping hand and me and my husband really thought that he would come round once the baby was born but he hasn't and I'm just hurt that he's rejecting her like this :( .
    Now he's not nasty about her or behaving badly towards her he behaves as if it's a friends child or something and that me and his dad or just minding it for example if he would be upstairs and she'd start to cry or anything he'd shout that the baby needs something and wouldn't check on her himself or if he sees me with her on my own with nobody else in the house struggling to feed her etc he won't help me he blanks me and walks on by !

    Another thing is if he is in one room say watching tv and me or his dad or sister come in with her he'll get up and leave :( I've tried talking to him and so has his dad and sister but he just sticks to what he said first when I was first pregnant.
    What on earth can I do to get him to bond with her or accept her ?? she's such a lovely little girl and it's so sad that he's being like this towards his own sister :( .
    The funny thing about it is when she'd be upset or crying and if he was to walk into the rooom a big warm smile comes on her face when she'd see him and she'd stop crying :D but he doesn't pay any heed :(,arrgh what to do ???
    Thanks for reading so sorry about the length I needed to let it out !


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Comments

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    So basically, he's happy to live under your roof, being provided with food and shelter and heat and water etc etc, but isn't happy for a baby to do the same?

    At 23, if I was you, I'd be telling him it's your roof and if he's that unhappy, for the baby's sake he has the option of improving his attitude or moving out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    or you could just kick him out and move the new child into his room


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,184 ✭✭✭neuro-praxis


    Agreed. Ask him to improve his attitude or get out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 342 ✭✭white apples


    Definately - lose the attitude or move out. He's acting like a spoiled child (no offence).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Things will probably improve after a while. Dont expect him tp help out with the baby, after all its not his. Dont go on to him about the baby or how he doesnt do anything with her. Im the same age as your son and if I was in his position I wouldnt be too happy expecting to do things or help out with a new baby. If I wanted that I could have one of my own(Im female) IMO you should just behave normally to your son and after a while he might be more receptive to the baby and if he walks out of a room just let him.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,513 ✭✭✭Sleipnir


    Give him time and he'll come around. Telling him to get used to it or get out will only make things worse.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 127 ✭✭evogirl


    he really needs to grow up. he's acting like a child. i'd be telling him to pack his bags if he continued this behaviour. its not good for you or the rest of the family. you have enough on your hands with a new baby without him acting like one too.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,286 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    I'm with the lynchmob on this one.
    Hes 23 ffs- he is an adult- and if hes not happy about the baby- let him fend for himself. Its your house, its your rules- he puts up and shuts up- or he knows where the door is. Where does he get off on? The world doesn't revolve around him- if hes pissed off @ 23 with a new baby- by god the world is going to teach him a few choice lessons before long........


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,925 ✭✭✭✭challengemaster


    First of all, congrats on the newborn :)

    Unfortunatly, there's nothing you really can do about how he feels - nobody can force others to change their true feelings. Hopefully at some stage (maybe as she grows up) he might come around to the idea of it, and get on well with her, but as it stands, you can't force him to like her.

    I think he doesn't get the fact that you're both adults, and if you want to have more children, despite what age you are, really it's neither of your childrens business. As for making him move out - if it's in the best interests of your daughter, then by all means. It really does seem like an unfortunate ultimatum to have to come to, but not everything in life goes as planned. Maybe he might change his tune a bit if you mention to him about moving out, but if he'll do it for the right reason....who knows.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,060 ✭✭✭✭biko


    I'm on the other side here, if he doesn't feel as exited as you do then that's fine.
    Leave him alone and don't push the issue - he'll get used to/warm to the new baby eventually, some people need longer than others.
    Some people never get thrilled about babies and I think that should be respected too.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    While I agree with the above posters that his behaviour is unexceptable, I think telling him to change his attitude or get out is a bad move. It could severly backfire and the OP would feel a whole lot worse if her son left, and his feelings towards the baby would certainly not improve. If he wanted to leave because of the baby he'd have done so by now.

    OP, it's still early days, give it time and don't force the issue. That said, I think you should make him fully aware of how out of order you think his behaviour is.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the quick replies !
    Ok to clear a few things up he isn't saying anything nasty etc he's acting like she's not here whch is the best way to put it.
    And for those saying tell him to get out as it's our house,well he was living elsewhere when he joined the Guards and I asked him to move back in as his dad was working away and I was at home on my own at the ime and was having a bit of bother with gangs hanging around the road etc so he moved back in to keep me happy (this was before I got pregnant by the way).

    Also are you's saying that I should say to him if he doesn't start accepting the baby etc he has to go ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Hi,have to go unregistered for this for obvious reasons.
    Ok I recently had a baby girl 3 months ago and when we told my son (23) and his sister that there was a baby on the way he wasn't impressed at all but his older sister (25) was and has been brilliant all the way through the pregnancy and now helping out with the baby etc but my son just wouldn't accept the fact that we were having another baby at our age-I'm 44 and so is my husband.

    At first he was saying how we're too old and it'll be hell for everyone at this age having a new baby in the house and how me and his dad can kiss goodbye to ever having any peace and quiet in our retirement age etc and basically said he wants nothing and no involvement in it's upbringing and how I shouldn't be thinking that he would and will be there for me and the baby when it's born as he won't (and isn't) .

    Well my son is 18 and his friends Mum got pregnant and the older brother didnt takle it very well either. Same age about as your son.

    From the way I heard it the boys were trying to select college courses and carreers and the parents were going gaga and behaving like newly weds. Very strange. :D

    Its more like he is looking for a role and hasnt figured it out. I would imagine its more comfortable for him to look at it as a niece or nephew which is exactly how he should do really. Its also redefined his role with you and your husband.

    So maybe you should relax and understand that this baby thing is weird for him and unexpected especially at your age and he may be subject to some slagging from his mates.

    So if you look at him like the uncle bit rather than a Dad like figure it should be fine and as time progresses and the child grows he will develop a relationship with her. You have probably forgotten how awkward young men are about the whole baby thing.

    There is no-one as serious as a young Guard and of course he should stay at home.I will bet the male dominated Garda just makes for being slagged about a young sister.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭StormWarrior


    You're complaining that he doesn't help with the baby, but realistically, why should he? Just because he is living in the house (at your request)? Expecting someone who is not into babies to help out with one is a very big ask. Aside from that, maybe he doesn't even know how to care for a baby. If a baby was crying, I certainly would not know what to do about it aside from calling for it's mother. How should he know what to do, has he had any experience with babies? Even aside from that, some people really find the idea of caring for a baby horrifying. Not many 23 year old blokes would want to deal with a screaming baby or change a nappy, feed it or whatever, your son is not being unusual. You say he doesn't help when you're struggling to feed her, does he know how to help? If I saw someone struggling to feed a baby I would have no idea what to do. But that is beside the point, the baby is your responsibility, not his.

    As for bonding with her, just wait a while. He'll probably bond with her when she's old enough to talk. Not everyone likes babies you know, to him she's probably a crying, screaming inconvenience and you having a go at him will only make matters worse.
    You asked him to live in your house with a crying baby as a favour to you and now you're annoyed with him because he's not helping you look after her. IMO you are the one in the wrong here.

    Also, he has a job and presumably needs to get up in the mornings, maybe it's not easy when he's been kept awake by a baby crying.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Thanks for the quick replies !
    Ok to clear a few things up he isn't saying anything nasty etc he's acting like she's not here whch is the best way to put it.
    And for those saying tell him to get out as it's our house,well he was living elsewhere when he joined the Guards and I asked him to move back in as his dad was working away and I was at home on my own at the ime and was having a bit of bother with gangs hanging around the road etc so he moved back in to keep me happy (this was before I got pregnant by the way).

    Also are you's saying that I should say to him if he doesn't start accepting the baby etc he has to go ?

    Okay, maybe not. But it's very unfair that you reared him, now he has a baby sister and seems to be pissed off that you're rearing her too. I mean, its not like the baby can move out.

    What is his precise issue? That he thought you were too old? Well, him having a childish attitude isn't going to send it back where it came from. This is the type of behaviour you'd expect from a spoiled teenager to be honest.

    What I'd do is sit him down, (with just yourself and the husband in the room) and explain that the baby is a) here and b) staying, and that his attitude is not helpful or appreciated.
    That unfortunately for him, you and your husband are grown adults and made the decision, and it's your house, and your child.
    Tell him that he doesn't have to be a second father to the child, but he will be expected to treat her the same as any of his other siblings.

    Failing that, then yes, I would ask him to look elsewhere for somewhere to live, since he's obviously so unhappy with a baby in the house.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭StormWarrior


    Don't forget that he's living in the house as a favour to his mum because she asked him to, she is not the one doing him a favour here.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,779 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Don't forget that he's living in the house as a favour to his mum because she asked him to, she is not the one doing him a favour here.

    True, but this doesn't give him the right to make judgements. FFS - who is 44 too old to have a baby??

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 342 ✭✭white apples


    Well if you asked him to move back in then what I said earlier is wrong. You can't really just turn around and ask him to move back out again.

    I agree with giving him a bit of time. Maybe you could try to have a conversation with him to let him know how it makes you feel when you see him acting this way towards his sister. He could be afraid that he may end up having to take care of her all the time, and he's only young and wants his freedom. This is understandable.

    He probably just needs to figure out what type of relationship is expected of him in this situation and weigh that up with what he wants.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,060 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Children will never appreciate what their parents did for them until they become parents themselves.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 96 ✭✭Polleta


    To me it sounds like a simple case of jealousy. When my youngest brother was born my other brother was 6 years old.(I'm older than both) I was very excited but my brother was really angry and wouldn't look at my brother.. he used to try grab my parents arms when they were holding him to get some attention. Being the eldest your place in the family is set and I guess your son thought his place as youngest was set too until recently. Now you have a new little one who has taken his place. He feels like you have no place for him in your life anymore and life revolves around this new miracle.

    He will come around in time but perhaps all he needs is a little bit of one on one with his dad or you for a few hours. I know he's 23 but lets be fair about it even as adults we crave our parents attention, pride and validation.

    Maybe I'm way off here but the mind is a funny place.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Magnus wrote: »
    Children will never appreciate what their parents did for them until they become parents themselves.

    True. But if my 18 year old son came around to my house saying meet your grandson I would say great but Im not changing any nappies.

    If it was his sisters child he wouldnt be expected to look after it and why should this be any different.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Nowhere did the OP say he she wanted him to look after the child, checking on a crying sister hardly qualifies as 'looking after'.
    Another thing is if he is in one room say watching tv and me or his dad or sister come in with her he'll get up and leave
    he blanks me and walks on by
    he was to walk into the rooom a big warm smile comes on her face when she'd see him and she'd stop crying but he doesn't pay any heed

    She's not asking him to be a second mother to the child, but the above behaviour is hardly acceptable. There's a bit of a difference between looking after a baby, and getting up and leaving a room if it's brought in.

    He's blanking both the child AND his own mother.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,557 ✭✭✭LD 50


    Things will probably improve after a while. Dont expect him tp help out with the baby, after all its not his. Dont go on to him about the baby or how he doesnt do anything with her. Im the same age as your son and if I was in his position I wouldnt be too happy expecting to do things or help out with a new baby. If I wanted that I could have one of my own(Im female) IMO you should just behave normally to your son and after a while he might be more receptive to the baby and if he walks out of a room just let him.
    I doubt things will get better. He's had nearly a year to come to terms with it, or to at least try to get to know the baby.
    If it was me, I'd tell him you arent happy with his behaviour, and if he cant be nice, then perhaps he should move out. He's probably already thought about it, but might need a kick one way or the other.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Silverfish wrote: »
    Okay, maybe not. But it's very unfair that you reared him, now he has a baby sister and seems to be pissed off that you're rearing her too.

    What is his precise issue? That he thought you were too old?

    Tell him that he doesn't have to be a second father to the child, but he will be expected to treat her the same as any of his other siblings.

    Failing that, then yes, I would ask him to look elsewhere for somewhere to live, since he's obviously so unhappy with a baby in the house.

    He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

    As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out ! :(


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

    As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out ! :(

    Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.

    If you can't talk to him, then there's not much you can do, I suppose you just have to accept the way things are, because in a situation where he can't accept it, then something has to give.

    So just continue on as normal I suppose, and hope he accepts her in time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Silverfish wrote: »
    Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.

    If you can't talk to him, then there's not much you can do, I suppose you just have to accept the way things are, because in a situation where he can't accept it, then something has to give.

    So just continue on as normal I suppose, and hope he accepts her in time.

    I see what you're saying it's just hard and heartbreaking to see you know :( and this is what I'm trying to figure out,what to do ? try talking or leave it and risk him drifting totally apart forever ! :(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

    Young guards are very serious and the world is all black and white. The training is fairly intense and his view of whats nice and normal has been upset. It will take him time to adjust.


    As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out ! :(

    I can accept that you love your baby and like every other new Mum want everyone else to be as excited as you are. He has joined one of the most traditional occupations there is.

    Forcing an issue thats made him uncomfortable is a bit much. It does take time and it seems you are a bit upset that he is not as excited as his sister or as you are.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,772 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I have a bunch of nieces and nephews and would have no hesitation helping out. Now, I may not have been expert at everything, but neither would I leave a crying baby alone.

    How about arranging a bonding evening with him, where you get someone to mind t he baby and you spend time just with him? It might help him open up and relax.
    Silverfish wrote: »
    Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.
    Indeed, ambivalence is anger.
    CDfm wrote: »
    I can accept that you love your baby and like every other new Mum want everyone else to be as excited as you are. He has joined one of the most traditional occupations there is.
    I'm not sure if its that far, all she is asking for is some common decency.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I see what you're saying it's just hard and heartbreaking to see you know :( and this is what I'm trying to figure out,what to do ? try talking or leave it and risk him drifting totally apart forever ! :(

    I'd say definitely talk to him. He's making you unhappy and awkward in your own home because despite being 23, he's still pretty immature to be acting like his sister doesn't exist a year after being introduced to the idea.

    Whether it's jealousy or immaturity about pregnancy or his parents being sexual beings he has to cop on and I don't think just humouring his behaviour at this stage is really an option. If he's not happy, he needs to move somewhere else- for his own benefit if nothing else. I'd make it clear you really want him to stay and be an active part of your family but stress that family now includes your baby daughter and he needs to accept that.

    I would agree with previous posters that helping out with his baby sister or doing any baby duties should be voluntary, but walking out of the room when someone else comes in or ignoring anyone is not on. Is there any way you could think of that the baby and your son could bond? I think it's inevitable that as she get older and starts crawling and speaking and moves from the reliant to the interactive stages that he will come around but anything that may speed up that process would be worth a try.

    It could also be that as he was so unforgiving when the news was announced and all through your pregnancy that it's nothing more than stubbornness and pride preventing him relenting and bonding with his sister - have you tried opening the door to communication with a present from her to him with a note attached saying "Sorry I was such a shock to you, thought my big brother might like this Wii though I may be found chewing on it at some stage xxxx" or something to that effect?

    Hope you work something out soon.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 436 ✭✭Meller


    I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to be helping out and looking after her... it's great that your older daughter is, but he's a young guy who probably just has no interest in kids and probably doesn't even know how to treat one.

    Leave it and force as little as you can on him as possible. He's probably just being stubborn at this stage; it's been a year or whatever, he'd probably be too embarrassed to just suddenly change his tune and start acting all loving towards her. If he does start acting better, don't mention it to him... just ignore it and leave him get on with it. It'll probably take time, don't expect him to do much, and if you call him out about it it'll delay progress even further.


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