23 year olds rejection of his baby sister :(

LegacyUser

Hi,have to go unregistered for this for obvious reasons.
Ok I recently had a baby girl 3 months ago and when we told my son (23) and his sister that there was a baby on the way he wasn't impressed at all but his older sister (25) was and has been brilliant all the way through the pregnancy and now helping out with the baby etc but my son just wouldn't accept the fact that we were having another baby at our age-I'm 44 and so is my husband.

At first he was saying how we're too old and it'll be hell for everyone at this age having a new baby in the house and how me and his dad can kiss goodbye to ever having any peace and quiet in our retirement age etc and basically said he wants nothing and no involvement in it's upbringing and how I shouldn't be thinking that he would and will be there for me and the baby when it's born as he won't (and isn't) .

All the way through the pregnancy it was his sister that was always there and giving a helping hand and me and my husband really thought that he would come round once the baby was born but he hasn't and I'm just hurt that he's rejecting her like this .
Now he's not nasty about her or behaving badly towards her he behaves as if it's a friends child or something and that me and his dad or just minding it for example if he would be upstairs and she'd start to cry or anything he'd shout that the baby needs something and wouldn't check on her himself or if he sees me with her on my own with nobody else in the house struggling to feed her etc he won't help me he blanks me and walks on by !

Another thing is if he is in one room say watching tv and me or his dad or sister come in with her he'll get up and leave I've tried talking to him and so has his dad and sister but he just sticks to what he said first when I was first pregnant.
What on earth can I do to get him to bond with her or accept her ?? she's such a lovely little girl and it's so sad that he's being like this towards his own sister .
The funny thing about it is when she'd be upset or crying and if he was to walk into the rooom a big warm smile comes on her face when she'd see him and she'd stop crying but he doesn't pay any heed ,arrgh what to do ???
Thanks for reading so sorry about the length I needed to let it out !

Silverfish

So basically, he's happy to live under your roof, being provided with food and shelter and heat and water etc etc, but isn't happy for a baby to do the same?

At 23, if I was you, I'd be telling him it's your roof and if he's that unhappy, for the baby's sake he has the option of improving his attitude or moving out.

LegacyUser

or you could just kick him out and move the new child into his room

neuro-praxis

Agreed. Ask him to improve his attitude or get out.

white apples

Definately - lose the attitude or move out. He's acting like a spoiled child (no offence).

LegacyUser

Things will probably improve after a while. Dont expect him tp help out with the baby, after all its not his. Dont go on to him about the baby or how he doesnt do anything with her. Im the same age as your son and if I was in his position I wouldnt be too happy expecting to do things or help out with a new baby. If I wanted that I could have one of my own(Im female) IMO you should just behave normally to your son and after a while he might be more receptive to the baby and if he walks out of a room just let him.

Sleipnir

Give him time and he'll come around. Telling him to get used to it or get out will only make things worse.

evogirl

he really needs to grow up. he's acting like a child. i'd be telling him to pack his bags if he continued this behaviour. its not good for you or the rest of the family. you have enough on your hands with a new baby without him acting like one too.

The_Conductor

I'm with the lynchmob on this one.
Hes 23 ffs- he is an adult- and if hes not happy about the baby- let him fend for himself. Its your house, its your rules- he puts up and shuts up- or he knows where the door is. Where does he get off on? The world doesn't revolve around him- if hes pissed off @ 23 with a new baby- by god the world is going to teach him a few choice lessons before long........

challengemaster

First of all, congrats on the newborn

Unfortunatly, there's nothing you really can do about how he feels - nobody can force others to change their true feelings. Hopefully at some stage (maybe as she grows up) he might come around to the idea of it, and get on well with her, but as it stands, you can't force him to like her.

I think he doesn't get the fact that you're both adults, and if you want to have more children, despite what age you are, really it's neither of your childrens business. As for making him move out - if it's in the best interests of your daughter, then by all means. It really does seem like an unfortunate ultimatum to have to come to, but not everything in life goes as planned. Maybe he might change his tune a bit if you mention to him about moving out, but if he'll do it for the right reason....who knows.

biko

I'm on the other side here, if he doesn't feel as exited as you do then that's fine.
Leave him alone and don't push the issue - he'll get used to/warm to the new baby eventually, some people need longer than others.
Some people never get thrilled about babies and I think that should be respected too.

LegacyUser

While I agree with the above posters that his behaviour is unexceptable, I think telling him to change his attitude or get out is a bad move. It could severly backfire and the OP would feel a whole lot worse if her son left, and his feelings towards the baby would certainly not improve. If he wanted to leave because of the baby he'd have done so by now.

OP, it's still early days, give it time and don't force the issue. That said, I think you should make him fully aware of how out of order you think his behaviour is.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the quick replies !
Ok to clear a few things up he isn't saying anything nasty etc he's acting like she's not here whch is the best way to put it.
And for those saying tell him to get out as it's our house,well he was living elsewhere when he joined the Guards and I asked him to move back in as his dad was working away and I was at home on my own at the ime and was having a bit of bother with gangs hanging around the road etc so he moved back in to keep me happy (this was before I got pregnant by the way).

Also are you's saying that I should say to him if he doesn't start accepting the baby etc he has to go ?

CDfm

Stressed mam wrote: »

Hi,have to go unregistered for this for obvious reasons.
Ok I recently had a baby girl 3 months ago and when we told my son (23) and his sister that there was a baby on the way he wasn't impressed at all but his older sister (25) was and has been brilliant all the way through the pregnancy and now helping out with the baby etc but my son just wouldn't accept the fact that we were having another baby at our age-I'm 44 and so is my husband.

At first he was saying how we're too old and it'll be hell for everyone at this age having a new baby in the house and how me and his dad can kiss goodbye to ever having any peace and quiet in our retirement age etc and basically said he wants nothing and no involvement in it's upbringing and how I shouldn't be thinking that he would and will be there for me and the baby when it's born as he won't (and isn't) .

Well my son is 18 and his friends Mum got pregnant and the older brother didnt takle it very well either. Same age about as your son.

From the way I heard it the boys were trying to select college courses and carreers and the parents were going gaga and behaving like newly weds. Very strange.

Its more like he is looking for a role and hasnt figured it out. I would imagine its more comfortable for him to look at it as a niece or nephew which is exactly how he should do really. Its also redefined his role with you and your husband.

So maybe you should relax and understand that this baby thing is weird for him and unexpected especially at your age and he may be subject to some slagging from his mates.

So if you look at him like the uncle bit rather than a Dad like figure it should be fine and as time progresses and the child grows he will develop a relationship with her. You have probably forgotten how awkward young men are about the whole baby thing.

There is no-one as serious as a young Guard and of course he should stay at home.I will bet the male dominated Garda just makes for being slagged about a young sister.

StormWarrior

You're complaining that he doesn't help with the baby, but realistically, why should he? Just because he is living in the house (at your request)? Expecting someone who is not into babies to help out with one is a very big ask. Aside from that, maybe he doesn't even know how to care for a baby. If a baby was crying, I certainly would not know what to do about it aside from calling for it's mother. How should he know what to do, has he had any experience with babies? Even aside from that, some people really find the idea of caring for a baby horrifying. Not many 23 year old blokes would want to deal with a screaming baby or change a nappy, feed it or whatever, your son is not being unusual. You say he doesn't help when you're struggling to feed her, does he know how to help? If I saw someone struggling to feed a baby I would have no idea what to do. But that is beside the point, the baby is your responsibility, not his.

As for bonding with her, just wait a while. He'll probably bond with her when she's old enough to talk. Not everyone likes babies you know, to him she's probably a crying, screaming inconvenience and you having a go at him will only make matters worse.
You asked him to live in your house with a crying baby as a favour to you and now you're annoyed with him because he's not helping you look after her. IMO you are the one in the wrong here.

Also, he has a job and presumably needs to get up in the mornings, maybe it's not easy when he's been kept awake by a baby crying.

Silverfish

Stressed mam wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies !
Ok to clear a few things up he isn't saying anything nasty etc he's acting like she's not here whch is the best way to put it.
And for those saying tell him to get out as it's our house,well he was living elsewhere when he joined the Guards and I asked him to move back in as his dad was working away and I was at home on my own at the ime and was having a bit of bother with gangs hanging around the road etc so he moved back in to keep me happy (this was before I got pregnant by the way).

Also are you's saying that I should say to him if he doesn't start accepting the baby etc he has to go ?

Okay, maybe not. But it's very unfair that you reared him, now he has a baby sister and seems to be pissed off that you're rearing her too. I mean, its not like the baby can move out.

What is his precise issue? That he thought you were too old? Well, him having a childish attitude isn't going to send it back where it came from. This is the type of behaviour you'd expect from a spoiled teenager to be honest.

What I'd do is sit him down, (with just yourself and the husband in the room) and explain that the baby is a) here and b) staying, and that his attitude is not helpful or appreciated.
That unfortunately for him, you and your husband are grown adults and made the decision, and it's your house, and your child.
Tell him that he doesn't have to be a second father to the child, but he will be expected to treat her the same as any of his other siblings.

Failing that, then yes, I would ask him to look elsewhere for somewhere to live, since he's obviously so unhappy with a baby in the house.

StormWarrior

Don't forget that he's living in the house as a favour to his mum because she asked him to, she is not the one doing him a favour here.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

StormWarrior wrote: »

Don't forget that he's living in the house as a favour to his mum because she asked him to, she is not the one doing him a favour here.

True, but this doesn't give him the right to make judgements. FFS - who is 44 too old to have a baby??

white apples

Well if you asked him to move back in then what I said earlier is wrong. You can't really just turn around and ask him to move back out again.

I agree with giving him a bit of time. Maybe you could try to have a conversation with him to let him know how it makes you feel when you see him acting this way towards his sister. He could be afraid that he may end up having to take care of her all the time, and he's only young and wants his freedom. This is understandable.

He probably just needs to figure out what type of relationship is expected of him in this situation and weigh that up with what he wants.

biko

Children will never appreciate what their parents did for them until they become parents themselves.

Polleta

To me it sounds like a simple case of jealousy. When my youngest brother was born my other brother was 6 years old.(I'm older than both) I was very excited but my brother was really angry and wouldn't look at my brother.. he used to try grab my parents arms when they were holding him to get some attention. Being the eldest your place in the family is set and I guess your son thought his place as youngest was set too until recently. Now you have a new little one who has taken his place. He feels like you have no place for him in your life anymore and life revolves around this new miracle.

He will come around in time but perhaps all he needs is a little bit of one on one with his dad or you for a few hours. I know he's 23 but lets be fair about it even as adults we crave our parents attention, pride and validation.

Maybe I'm way off here but the mind is a funny place.

CDfm

Magnus wrote: »

Children will never appreciate what their parents did for them until they become parents themselves.

True. But if my 18 year old son came around to my house saying meet your grandson I would say great but Im not changing any nappies.

If it was his sisters child he wouldnt be expected to look after it and why should this be any different.

Silverfish

Nowhere did the OP say he she wanted him to look after the child, checking on a crying sister hardly qualifies as 'looking after'.

Another thing is if he is in one room say watching tv and me or his dad or sister come in with her he'll get up and leave

he blanks me and walks on by

he was to walk into the rooom a big warm smile comes on her face when she'd see him and she'd stop crying but he doesn't pay any heed

She's not asking him to be a second mother to the child, but the above behaviour is hardly acceptable. There's a bit of a difference between looking after a baby, and getting up and leaving a room if it's brought in.

He's blanking both the child AND his own mother.

LD 50

Unregistered wrote: »

Things will probably improve after a while. Dont expect him tp help out with the baby, after all its not his. Dont go on to him about the baby or how he doesnt do anything with her. Im the same age as your son and if I was in his position I wouldnt be too happy expecting to do things or help out with a new baby. If I wanted that I could have one of my own(Im female) IMO you should just behave normally to your son and after a while he might be more receptive to the baby and if he walks out of a room just let him.

I doubt things will get better. He's had nearly a year to come to terms with it, or to at least try to get to know the baby.
If it was me, I'd tell him you arent happy with his behaviour, and if he cant be nice, then perhaps he should move out. He's probably already thought about it, but might need a kick one way or the other.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

Okay, maybe not. But it's very unfair that you reared him, now he has a baby sister and seems to be pissed off that you're rearing her too.

What is his precise issue? That he thought you were too old?

Tell him that he doesn't have to be a second father to the child, but he will be expected to treat her the same as any of his other siblings.

Failing that, then yes, I would ask him to look elsewhere for somewhere to live, since he's obviously so unhappy with a baby in the house.

He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out !

Silverfish

Stressed mam wrote: »

He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out !

Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.

If you can't talk to him, then there's not much you can do, I suppose you just have to accept the way things are, because in a situation where he can't accept it, then something has to give.

So just continue on as normal I suppose, and hope he accepts her in time.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.

If you can't talk to him, then there's not much you can do, I suppose you just have to accept the way things are, because in a situation where he can't accept it, then something has to give.

So just continue on as normal I suppose, and hope he accepts her in time.

I see what you're saying it's just hard and heartbreaking to see you know and this is what I'm trying to figure out,what to do ? try talking or leave it and risk him drifting totally apart forever !

CDfm

Stressed mam wrote: »

He's not pissed off at her and doesn't go on like he is he just acts as if she isn't there really and that was his initial point that me and his dad were too old to be having another child and how it'll be such hard work at our age etc.

Young guards are very serious and the world is all black and white. The training is fairly intense and his view of whats nice and normal has been upset. It will take him time to adjust.

As I said he's not saying or doing anything so I can't ask him to leave because if I do I'd be saying "because you won't help out or like her etc you have to go " which I can't say because I can't force him to accept her so by asking him to leave I'd be suggesting just that i.e either start accepting her or get out !

I can accept that you love your baby and like every other new Mum want everyone else to be as excited as you are. He has joined one of the most traditional occupations there is.

Forcing an issue thats made him uncomfortable is a bit much. It does take time and it seems you are a bit upset that he is not as excited as his sister or as you are.

Victor

I have a bunch of nieces and nephews and would have no hesitation helping out. Now, I may not have been expert at everything, but neither would I leave a crying baby alone.

How about arranging a bonding evening with him, where you get someone to mind t he baby and you spend time just with him? It might help him open up and relax.

Silverfish wrote: »

Well, I didn't say he was pissed off AT her, but from your initial post saying he acts like she's not there, thats the actions of someone who seemed to be pissed off at the situation.

Indeed, ambivalence is anger.

CDfm wrote: »

I can accept that you love your baby and like every other new Mum want everyone else to be as excited as you are. He has joined one of the most traditional occupations there is.

I'm not sure if its that far, all she is asking for is some common decency.

Ickle Magoo

Stressed mam wrote: »

I see what you're saying it's just hard and heartbreaking to see you know and this is what I'm trying to figure out,what to do ? try talking or leave it and risk him drifting totally apart forever !

I'd say definitely talk to him. He's making you unhappy and awkward in your own home because despite being 23, he's still pretty immature to be acting like his sister doesn't exist a year after being introduced to the idea.

Whether it's jealousy or immaturity about pregnancy or his parents being sexual beings he has to cop on and I don't think just humouring his behaviour at this stage is really an option. If he's not happy, he needs to move somewhere else- for his own benefit if nothing else. I'd make it clear you really want him to stay and be an active part of your family but stress that family now includes your baby daughter and he needs to accept that.

I would agree with previous posters that helping out with his baby sister or doing any baby duties should be voluntary, but walking out of the room when someone else comes in or ignoring anyone is not on. Is there any way you could think of that the baby and your son could bond? I think it's inevitable that as she get older and starts crawling and speaking and moves from the reliant to the interactive stages that he will come around but anything that may speed up that process would be worth a try.

It could also be that as he was so unforgiving when the news was announced and all through your pregnancy that it's nothing more than stubbornness and pride preventing him relenting and bonding with his sister - have you tried opening the door to communication with a present from her to him with a note attached saying "Sorry I was such a shock to you, thought my big brother might like this Wii though I may be found chewing on it at some stage xxxx" or something to that effect?

Hope you work something out soon.

Meller

I think it's a bit unfair to expect him to be helping out and looking after her... it's great that your older daughter is, but he's a young guy who probably just has no interest in kids and probably doesn't even know how to treat one.

Leave it and force as little as you can on him as possible. He's probably just being stubborn at this stage; it's been a year or whatever, he'd probably be too embarrassed to just suddenly change his tune and start acting all loving towards her. If he does start acting better, don't mention it to him... just ignore it and leave him get on with it. It'll probably take time, don't expect him to do much, and if you call him out about it it'll delay progress even further.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

have you tried opening the door to communication with a present from her to him with a note attached saying "Sorry I was such a shock to you, thought my big brother might like this Wii though I may be found chewing on it at some stage xxxx" or something to that effect?

Hope you work something out soon.

I was thinking of doing something like that but wasn't sure but now someone else has suggested it in such a cute manner I think I'll try it.
And for bonding between me and him,it's just me and him at home now apart from her too.

cafecolour

It doesn't sound like he's rejected his baby sister, it just sounds like he has no interest in babies, which isn't uncommon in a lad his age. They might get on better when she gets a bit older and can play basic games and the like.

Overheal

Silverfish wrote: »

What is his precise issue? That he thought you were too old? Well, him having a childish attitude isn't going to send it back where it came from. This is the type of behaviour you'd expect from a spoiled teenager to be honest.

Does nobody else see it? Its sibling rivalry. Jealousy. Now you're right, he needs to grow up. But he's exhibiting the same habits of a youngest child who learns someone new is on the way. They get jealous because they arent the baby anymore.

Lad needs to grow up, but thats his ****ing problem in a nutshell tbh. It has nothing to do with hating babies or ye being too old. It has everything to do with him being jealous as hell. Its a child psychology issue that any parenting book will help you tackle.

CDfm

Victor wrote: »

I have a bunch of nieces and nephews and would have no hesitation helping out. Now, I may not have been expert at everything, but neither would I leave a crying baby alone.

How about arranging a bonding evening with him, where you get someone to mind t he baby and you spend time just with him? It might help him open up and relax.

Indeed, ambivalence is anger.I'm not sure if its that far, all she is asking for is some common decency.

I dont really think its ambivalence.

Without over analysising what I see is that you have a young man who has trained for a few years às a guard and thats a very conservative profession.

In Guard College he will have learned lots of stuff on society and demographics and crime.So he may be projecting and seeing the potential the downside(which is what Guards are trained to do) so maybe he is thinking to deeply.

Another thing is that young Guards are taught to detatch a bit from their feelings and that helps them deal with situations.

So dont be so critical with him and leave him come to terms with it which he probably do in his own good time.

Chucky the tree

Overheal wrote: »

Does nobody else see it? Its sibling rivalry. Jealousy. Now you're right, he needs to grow up. But he's exhibiting the same habits of a youngest child who learns someone new is on the way. They get jealous because they arent the baby anymore.

That's a huge leap so that's probably why nobody else sees it. Tbh if I was in OP's situation I'd probaly act in a similar way. Leaving the room is a bit much though but everything else seems fairly normal for most 23yr old males.

marbar

that's a bit of a sting. if you asked him to be there, then maybe he knows he can do what he wants
i'd say your best bet is to guilt him into it. not just for your sake, but it's pretty disgraceful to not care for your siblings. that's what big brothers are for
god knows i wouldn't have got far without mine.

StormWarrior

Silverfish wrote: »

Nowhere did the OP say he she wanted him to look after the child, checking on a crying sister hardly qualifies as 'looking after'.

That's not strictly true, she was complaining that he doesn't help when she's having trouble feeding the baby (although why she thinks a 23 year old bloke would know what to do is beyond me.)

OP, you said he moved back in at your request to help protect you from gangs. Maybe he really wants to leave and get his own place again but feels he has to stay to protect you? So he's living somewhere that he probably doesn't want to live for your sake and then you spring a crying baby on him, which has probably kept him up at night when he has work the next day. I think some people really need to cut this bloke some slack. Maybe his comment about his parents being too old to have kids was just shock? If my parents suddenly said to me "We're having another baby!" I'd be pretty shocked too. You can't blame someone for letting a comment slip in that situation.

philologos

He had a point concerning your retirement age, however, this is your decision, not your sons decision and he is acting like a right child himself about it. Again, this is a burden for you to bear not for him to bear. Considering he is 23 at this stage surely he should realise that he is no longer really a dependant of yours and should be getting on with his own life. I'd probably be a bit puzzled at my parents if they made this decision, but I think I would be behind them as much as possible were it to happen. It seems like moving out could be an option for him.

confusticated

Not to be too scaremongering, but if you asked him to move out he could see it as you choosing the baby over him, and that could backfire. I'd say leave him be, as some other posters said he could be much more comfortable with her when she's older and able to kick a football around etc - he would realistically be able to help better then maybe because she will be able to talk and reason with and that. He might just not know how to cope with a baby full stop, nevermind whose it is.

wylo

IMO, its just the baby thing, he should change when she becomes a small child. Personally ive no interest in babys but as soon as my nieces and nephews all reached 3 and 4 I got really attached to them.

Why should a 23 year old guy have to help with feeding a baby? It sounds like you expect everyone to be as enamoured of the child as you are. Not everyone likes babies. As someone said, would you expect him to help if it were his sister's baby? I could understand if he wanted to live there, but he's there at your request.

LegacyUser

I don't think it's jealousy at all TBH. You seem to be seeing him helping as bonding with her- which it isn't. He doesn't want to help at all with the baby and I think that's fine. He's 23 and it's not his baby- he probably just sees all the hard work and no fun.

Maybe let things settle down for a while? If you're asking for help or seem to be expecting help then stop. I know this seems harsh, and you're probably tired and could really do with the help but it reads to me that this 'hassle' is all he is seeing. So, if you take away that problem and let him relax into the situation in his own time it may help?
Also, once that hurdle is overcome and as baby gets older they will become more fun. He would have to be one hard person not to start enjoying that and then bond with her naturally.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];60797003]Why should a 23 year old guy have to help with feeding a baby? It sounds like you expect everyone to be as enamoured of the child as you are. Not everyone likes babies. As someone said, would you expect him to help if it were his sister's baby? I could understand if he wanted to live there, but he's there at your request.[/QUOTE]

Op here,thanks again for your replies . Of course I dont expect him to help out I meant by help like if he sees me needing a hand just for a second he doesnt that's what I meant by helping out its little things like that . Yes maybe he is just freaked out about the whole baby thing and but it hurts to think that when he sees I neede help sometimes that he doesn't seem to care if he had a baby and needed a tiny little bit of help I certainly wouldn't be able to just ignore it the way he does with me. Another thing I've been thinking of is maybe part of him not acknowledging her is that maybe he thinks I don't love him or have time for him anymore ?

CDfm

OP you are the Mum - is there some truth in what your son is saying. If you cant handle taking care of the child at 3 months without lots of help. How will you cope when she is 3 or in her teens?

You seem very needy BTW.

Are you sure you are coping well but physically and emotionally?

LegacyUser

I'd be very surprised if, at 23, he was feeling you didn't love him because of a new baby or was Jealous. I'd be pretty sure it's the work and help involved....

BroomBurner

CDfm wrote: »

OP you are the Mum - is there some truth in what your son is saying. If you cant handle taking care of the child at 3 months without lots of help. How will you cope when she is 3 or in her teens?

You seem very needy BTW.

Are you sure you are coping well but physically and emotionally?

That post is just so wrong, it's unreal. How you could get that the OP needed lots of help is unreal. Have you ever fed a baby? Sometimes you might need someone to pass you something while you're trying to hold the child and feed them/not let them fall, etc. You don't know exactly what kind of help the OP is talking about.

It does seem a little harsh that he's outright ignoring his sister. I can understand if he doesn't want to help out much with her, but ignoring her is an indication of something a little deeper. Maybe organise a baby-sitter and have some time with your son away from the house. Ask him how the job is going, etc. Make it about him, then maybe ask him is everything ok and that you understand he isn't there to help out with his sister, but that it's upsetting to see him ignore her like that. Don't put any ultimatums on him, just explain.

I'd like to second a previous poster, does anyone else in the family notice this behaviour? What have they said/done?

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OP you are the Mum - is there some truth in what your son is saying. If you cant handle taking care of the child at 3 months without lots of help. How will you cope when she is 3 or in her teens?

You seem very needy BTW.

Are you sure you are coping well but physically and emotionally?

I'm not saying I need lots of help at all ! I'm saying he doesn't offer to help when it comes down to normal common decency that anyone would offer to someone who might need a little hand,once again I am not nor is my husband expecting him or his sister to help with her upbringing but it's very hard to see her big brother act like she's nothing to do with him maybe if it was to happen with one of your children you might understand what I'm saying

Xiney

Here's the difference, CDfm:

When I do the shopping and I'm struggling to get bags in the door while unlocking it, I manage just fine on my own thank you.

However, if my (able bodied) friend/spouse/child ignored me while I struggled, I'd consider that very rude.

MIN2511

Hmmm...

I am 24, and recently my mum found out that she's got fibroid. I advised her to have her womb taken out and she declined... I was shocked, so we had a conversation and she said she might want a baby... My mum just turned 50 last week, and if she has a child now my siblings and i will pretty much act the same way your son is acting.

When your daughter is 18 you will be 62, even if you may be able to care for her until she's old enough if anything happens to either of your(your husband and yourself) now your 25yo daughter and son will be responsible for her...

btw, it's also embarassing telling your mates that your mum just had a baby...

Some people will slate me for what i just said but thats how i feel...

LegacyUser

BroomBurner wrote: »

Sometimes you might need someone to pass you something while you're trying to hold the child and feed them/not let them fall, etc.

Thank you this is what I'm saying about helping out ! 99% of the time I don't need any help but there's always that one time where I need a hand for 2 mins.

BroomBurner wrote: »

Ask him how the job is going, etc. Make it about him, then maybe ask him is everything ok and that you understand he isn't there to help out with his sister, but that it's upsetting to see him ignore her like that.

Tried before and he just says grand when I ask him how's things out on the beat won't talk to me anymore.
I have said to him before that she's his sister and he says he knows and that's it.
He hasn't even held her yet

BroomBurner wrote: »

I'd like to second a previous poster, does anyone else in the family notice this behaviour? What have they said/done?

Yea they all know what he's like towards her and he doesn't deny or hide it if asked he just says that he told us i.e me and his dad from the start the way he felt and how he isn't feeling any different.
His sister does try to get him to bond with her very subtly but it doesn't work and his dad just says if he doesn't want to know her he doesn't want to know her there's nothing we can do about it,we can't force him to.

She's such a lovely baby girl and I just know if he held her for a minute he'd loose this line of thinking he has towards her,he's good with babies some of his friends have children and his grand with them