Husband doesn't want children but won't admit it. Help!!

LegacyUser

I have been married for several years and with him for over ten. Just before we got married, my husband said he wanted to enjoy the first year of marriage just being the two of us. In the subsequent years, he managed to delay starting a family. Thinking I was being a good wife and not wanting to push him, I reluctantly agreed. Now we are both in our mid thirties and I have given him the time he wanted. Late last year, I put the foot down. Our relationship went t*ts up and he refused to start a family saying that our marriage needed to get back on track before we thought about a family and maybe in two years time we might start. Looking back, I think he created some problems to hide behind. I have asked him straight out if he wants children and he says he does. However, he knows that if he admits he does not want kids, I will be gone in a heartbeat.

I think years ago he knew that he didn’t want children but thought one day, something would click into place and he would want to be a dad, but that has not happened. I have listened to his many lectures on ‘how kids will not change our life’. We have tried counselling, but got nowhere.

Now, I have two things playing on my mind...

Do I want to be with someone who has deceived me for so many years?

If he does agree to have children, how do I know that he is doing it just to keep me, and if so, what type of Dad will that make him?


I am contemplating leaving. I want to be with someone who wants the same fundamental things as I do and has a pair of balls to tell the truth.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Munster_Gal

I know you're married and with him a long time but If you are 100% sure that you want to have children and he's not wiling to give you that then I think you need to think about yourself.

You shouldn't give up who you are and what you want for anyone. You need to talk to him and find out for sure and make it clear in his mind and yours, what you want.

faceman

Is the desire to have children stronger than your love for your partner? Sounds like you are starting to resent your partner. You need to be clear with him as to when you want to start trying for a baby and talk to him about it.

Your husband could be afraid of being a parent and feels he can't talk about it.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I am contemplating leaving. I want to be with someone who wants the same fundamental things as I do and has a pair of balls to tell the truth..

Why not just tell him that and see what he has to say.

Vegeta

Beruthiel wrote: »

Why not just tell him that and see what he has to say.

Makes sense to me.

CDfm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Why not just tell him that and see what he has to say.

+1 if you are together you should have some sort of life plan but it should work both ways.

Financially how are you fixed and do you intend to return to work?

Piste

To be honest It doesn't make sense to me that your desire for a relationship with a potential child is greater than your desire to be with your husband =/

Firetrap

It doesn't make sense to me either but I guess that's because I've never had a burning desire to reproduce the species. Some women seem to want to have kids more than others. I think the OP needs to have a heart to heart with her husband and explain how she feels. Including the bit about leaving I think.

SuperTyper

I understand where you are coming from (as a mum of 2). I'd have a long chat with your hubby, see where he is coming from, see what is he afraid of. 10 years is a lot to throw away without trying to understand him. Good luck and I hope you can resolve things.

CDfm

Piste wrote: »

To be honest It doesn't make sense to me that your desire for a relationship with a potential child is greater than your desire to be with your husband =/

the opposite is also true if he doesnt want to have children with her

maybe he gets vibes about it.

LegacyUser

sounds to me like you've already checked out of that relationship anyway. some of your comments seem emotionless. If having a child is more important than your relationship with your husband, I'm sorry. leave for both your sakes. you can both be much happier am sure.

Kidchameleon

Hi OP,

Sorry about your situation, it must be so so hard for you both. Just a thought, could your husband be infertile? It can happen that an infertile man will keep making excuses not to have kids rather than admit his 'soldiers' dont work. This would be a huge issue for a man, as it would make him fell less of a 'man'. I know a couple who this happend to, went on for years and years until he finally came out with it, she had no idea...

Good Luck!

dudara

I really don't understand the desire for children being more important than your partner, the man you committed for life.

You really shouldn't have gotten married without a clear commitment on both parts about children. You can't hope that someone will come around to your point of view once you're married.

Latchy

Unregistered wrote: »

Now, I have two things playing on my mind...

Do I want to be with someone who has deceived me for so many years?

If he does agree to have children, how do I know that he is doing it just to keep me, and if so, what type of Dad will that make him?

Nothing to say if you did have children that your husband wouldn't fall into fatherhood for all the right reasons OP .Like some women might settle for having the kids first and deal with the husbands hang up ( if any ) for having them . That is an issue only you can resolve .You need another heart to heart .If he really doesn't want them ,except on conditions ( to keep you ) then his piorities are obiously all wrong but his feeling /emotions could change if any kids come along .

just my 10 cents

Latchy

Latchy wrote: »

Nothing to say if you did have children that your husband wouldn't fall into fatherhood for all the right reasons OP .Like some women might settle for having the kids first and deal with the husbands hang up ( if any ) for having them . That is an issue only you can resolve .You need another heart to heart .If he really doesn't want them ,except on conditions ( to keep you ) then his piorities are obiously all wrong but his feeling /emotions could change if any kids come along .

just my 10 cents

Or she could end up being regarded as one of those evil women pregnancy-trappers. Having children where they're both not fully committed unless he agrees to be a sperm donor and then take off - is not a good thing!

Latchy

bluewolf wrote: »

Or she could end up being regarded as one of those evil women pregnancy-trappers. Having children where they're both not fully committed unless he agrees to be a sperm donor and then take off - is not a good thing!

The sperm doner just happens to be her husband, not some stranger .But I see what your saying .To be honest if husband has told her that he will one day want to have kids but now backing off ,then it's he and not her who is reneged on the deal.She wants them ,he doesn't ,what does she do ? .If her desire to have children is stronger then hubby reasons ( just to keep her ) then she has to decide if she really does want to have these children to this man ( should he change ) .That sadly is OP 's problem and not an easy one to resolve for anybody in such a situation .

LegacyUser

Me again.

My problem is that he said he did want kids when we first met now it's crunch time and he is coming up with every excuse not to start a family. He has put me off for five years and wants to put them off for another two! I asked him what would he do if in two years time I couldn't havn children because we left it to late and more than likely I would blame him. His response 'that was something he'd have to live with'. My other problem is getting him to admit it. He has promised me he wants children, but trying to delay having children for seven years is not actions of a man who wants a family. I could easily just come off the pill and not tell him, but I am not kind of person.

I love him greatly, but if push comes to shove I would rather enhance my life with children than be two 70 year old farts with no family around us.

A huge part of this is, that he won't come clean and keeps leading me up the garden path. As I said before, he won't admit it out of fear of me leaving, some of his family member have also doubted that he wants children.

It's so hard seeing all of my family with their children and my friends becomming pregnant.

It's tearing me up.

Thanks for the rant.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I asked him what would he do if in two years time I couldn't havn children because we left it to late and more than likely I would blame him. His response 'that was something he'd have to live with'.

That's something he'd have to live with?!
Seriously. Am I the only one seeing that comment as incredibly selfish, insensitive and thoughtless?

You married him because he came with the package of being open to having kids.
You are now in your thirties, and he is acting the bollix.
Were I in your shoes I'd now be at a place where I would be looking at this in black and white.
I am not one to sit back and wait for years while someone pulls their finger out and tries to make a decision.
Decide now or fuk off. Yes, I know that's not for everyone but gone are my days of indecison. Life's too short.

I love him greatly, but if push comes to shove I would rather enhance my life with children than be two 70 year old farts with no family around us.

You have stated that you want kids more than him.
Now, if you are serious, it's time to call a halt to his apathy and tell him it's now or never.
He's had long enough to come to terms with this. You have the right at this stage to insist on an actual, real answer.

It's tearing me up.

Have you told him this?
If not, why not?

Nitxteha

You have been very patient so far and he's acting like a selfish child. I can understand your fustration. Tell him if his idea of growing old is growing old alone, that that's not yours. You are not in your early twenties or have just met so he must have an idea of what he wants.

On the other side, in a relationship you have to give an take. On this respect it's only you giving by being so patient. He could also think how important having children is for you, and if that's what makes you happy he can give it a try.

Some men act like having children would be like chopping their arm off or something like that...I really don't understand it. As if they had to go in labour themselves ...

My idea of marriage is to take care of each others needs (physically and emotionally) and to form a family. If you discussed this already before getting married and he agreed on having kids, ask him what made him get cold feet.

Regarding walking away or not that's a very hard decition and it's only you who can decide. If you married him is because he's a good man to you, or?

My advice anyways is to persue your own happiness, with whatever decition you have to make, life is too short.

SarahSassy

Another side issue, assuming you got married in a catholic church the priest would have asked if you would accept the children God would give you - if he said yes then he is breaking thsi vow too. I dont like the fact that he is playing God with your desire to have kids. I would ask him for an ultimatum.. Its not fiar and not right to lead you on.

CDfm

I agree with Berutiel but would add that having children is a huge commitment and that some people want to be child free.

Wanting a child does affect your lifestyle big time and you really need to work out who will do what.

You need to be able to say -well I will stay working or give up working etc or any of those things and what your plans are.Can you say what your plans are?

It would really help to write down what you want and how this would affect your life and the finances and whose job it is to do what as a life plan?

Oh The Humanity

He is making a fool of you and you are right to be mad with him.

His refusal to admit it is adding insult to injury, he is playing with you and deliberately wasting your time, with no compunctions whatsoever. You have a decision to make, even if he did somehow agree to have them now could you stomach looking at him for the next 20 years after what he has done?

You are obviously having difficulty standing for this treatment and I dont blame you.

Who the fcuk does he think he is?

If he had no intentions of having kids and he knew you did, so pretended to go along with it in order to trap you, then he did indeed enter into the marriage concealing a material fact. You have perfect grounds for divorce.

seamus

I don't think it's fair to be immediately jumping on the "he's lying", "he's treating you like crap" bandwagon. He could very well be lying to himself - as you suggest convincing himself that one day he'll be ready and not wanting to consider the possibility that he just doesn't want them.

He may also be scared in general. That is, he likes the idea of having kids but the prospect terrifies the crap out of him.

Either way, if he can keep putting it off long enough, he'll never have to confront it because it won't become a reality, and subconsciously that may be what he doing. Like before your leaving cert you hope that a nuclear war or something starts so you'll never have to sit it - mentally sticking your fingers in your ears and just hoping the problem goes away.
It may not be that he's cynically sabotaging the chances of children. That doesn't excuse it though, and you have a need for a "We are sitting down tonight and nobody goes anywhere until a decision has been made", kind of talk.

partyguinness

Is he infertile without telling you?

Latchy

Might it be that fatherhood and the hard work / responsibilities that come with it terrify him ?

_Kaiser_

OP.. aside from this ongoing issue about having kids, how are things otherwise between you?

Do you get on well, have a good social/sex life? How are things financially? Are you both working/in secure jobs etc...?

All of these things can and should play a part in the decision to start a family. Maybe there's another reason that he doesn't (yet) want to start a family?]

I'm with my OH a year now and the question has come up as well (she already has an 8 year old from a previous relationship, but would like another). In our case however, times are tough at the moment as I'm facing potential redundancy in the next few months and of course bills have to be paid.

To my mind then, at the moment (key words there), now would not be the ideal time to be adding to our family, as the last thing I personally would want to do is to bring a child into the world that I couldn't properly support and be there for.

Maybe your husband is worried about something like this as well?

CDfm

The more I read this the more I think that you never really discussed the children issue more than superficially .

There is a pre-marriage checklist on a mens help site that is useful to both women and men who find it difficult to ask the difficult questions about marriage family and finances.

Here is an extract and the link to the full questionaire is below but dont be put off by the sites title or you will miss lots of good stuff which is applicable to men or women.

Marriage and family
• What does the institution of marriage mean to you?

• How much do you want to be married? Why?

• What do you believe marriage would contribute to your life?

• What are you prepared to give up in order to be married? And how do you feel about that?

• How important is monogamy to you? Why?

Our future life

• How important is having children to you?

• As specifically as possible, why do you want children?

• What would children add to our lives together?

• How would you define the role of a father?

•How would you define the role of a mother?

• If the husband went out to work and the wife chose to stay at home, perhaps to look after our children, how would you feel about that?

• How demeaning is the idea of looking after a marital home if I was the person who went out to work?

• How would you want us to divide our labour?

• What needs to happen to ensure that you don’t ever feel as though you’re being taken advantage of?

• How much might you resent putting your career on hold in order to have children?

• If you had children, how much would you want to continue working? Why?

• If you had a choice of career or children, what would it be and why?

• What would you do if you discovered you were pregnant today?

• How would you expect me to respond?

You and me

• Why do you want to be with me?

• What do you want more of from me?

• What do you want less of from me?

• What do you believe I get from our relationship?

• What do you contribute to our relationship?


Carefully listen to what is said to the last two questions in particular. How much of what is said is actually about what your partner wants from the relationship and is not what they actually contribute?

If you would like to download the 'Due Diligence Checklist'

click here and the questionaire is in the downloads section.

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

Another side issue, assuming you got married in a catholic church the priest would have asked if you would accept the children God would give you - if he said yes then he is breaking thsi vow too. I dont like the fact that he is playing God with your desire to have kids. I would ask him for an ultimatum.. Its not fiar and not right to lead you on.

If I made that assumption I'd have a new torn for me, as has happened, but seeing as how you brought it up........... she's also on the Pill. So I don't think God is going to be taking sides here regarding their assumed Catholic credentials :rolleyes: Nice try though.

seamus wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to be immediately jumping on the "he's lying", "he's treating you like crap" bandwagon. He could very well be lying to himself - as you suggest convincing himself that one day he'll be ready and not wanting to consider the possibility that he just doesn't want them. He may also be scared in general. That is, he likes the idea of having kids but the prospect terrifies the crap out of him.

+1

Important to remember that the biological clock for men is basically silent compared to women. He's not getting the same 'now or never' message that the OP is receiving. Some men just forget that women are different when it comes to these things.

Mr Benevolent

Here's a thought. If your husband said he'd found out he was infertile, would you be so eager to get rid of him?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm a 34 yr old chick as well and have been through this.

My husband was dragging his feet as well. His main argument was that his mother (mother of seven) had her last child at 44 so why couldn't I? He didn't seem to have any real grasp of normal biology. Lifestyle issues were also his concern - wanted more travel...

He pulled that tired old 'so having a baby is more important than the relationship' line. I had to go away and think long and hard, eventually I came back and said 'yes, actually right now it is. I love you and always will love you. If our love is so strong and you don't want to be the father of my kids then lets split up, I'll meet someone else or do sperm donor and we can get back together (or not) when I'm forty cause I have the rest of my life to have relationships but only a few years to become a mother.'
I left a man at 29 for the same reasons so I why decide something else now? He understood then how deep that ran and the upshot of it is...

....we've been trying for a year and a half and no joy. (So far doctors have found nothing wrong with either of us).But we are in it together. So the moral of the story is stick with your dreams and for gods sake don't leave it too late. Infertility investigations/treatments take years if you do have problems.

In reply to the poster who asked what if he couldn't have kids? I think we would probably do sperm donation. He (now) would like to be a father (but says he wouldn't be gutted if he wasn't) but just as importantly he understands my desire to be a mother (he literally did not understand the desire before, not his fault). Love is not selfish, he says having kids or not doesn't mean all that much to him, so a biological child wouldn't be essential to him but he understands what it means for me and is here for the longhaul. Men are not like us (though I know lots of broody 39 yr old fellas!!) - I've sure your OH loves you. Perhaps he just doesn't understand?

As for the 'get pregnant anyway' suggestion... a friend of mine did that with her longterm bf at 38. He'd been leading her on for years but with no commitment. (I suspect a few of my other friends have done it as well). So anyway, she got pregnant and he worked out she'd done it deliberatedly. He tried to pressure her into abortion. Three years later, he is madly in love with his baby daughter... and they are still together though its still a difficult relationship which may not last. But I've asked her, and no, she doesn't have regrets.... I just wanted to share that story with you.

Recently I've started to accept that I may never have kids and if that is the case I'm not going to let it ruin my life. But I'd rather face infertility than look back and think I never tried. And if 'trying' meant going back out into the world in search of someone new.... well, I think you already know the answer to that.

Best of luck love.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Another side issue, assuming you got married in a catholic church the priest would have asked if you would accept the children God would give you - if he said yes then he is breaking thsi vow too. I dont like the fact that he is playing God with your desire to have kids. I would ask him for an ultimatum.. Its not fiar and not right to lead you on.

Also this is grounds for annulment. I would be out of there personally. You have been more than patient with him.

LegacyUser

I think you need to be honest with yourself and realise that there most likely are reasons why he is not wanting to have children with you.

What issues was he saying to you were are to blame for the relationship falling apart?