Ex back in touch

LegacyUser · 08-06-2009 2:03pm #1

Ok, I know this is a topic thats been done to death but tbh I think I'm coming undone here. Had a few other threads over the last while asking was it too soon to start dating etc, and how to deal with an ex who contacts by text now and then whenever she feels like it.

Basically we were engaged and broke up a few months before our wedding. She left due to thinking I'd been unfaithful. As it turned out she was wrong in this as I never have or could do that. Anyway I think at this stage she knows that. For peace of mind she told me she went for an STD check, was really hurtful to be told that but I sort of understood where she was coming from. That was all clear, I would have been really confused if it was anything else but she has said time and again that in her heart she could never trust me again, even if I had done nothing wrong the idea was implanted in her head. She said it's just the way she is, if she loses trust in someone it will never come back.

Anyway I was heartbroken by the whole thing, won't go into all the cr*p that went on, suffice to say it was a very messy breakup. I tried my best to be understanding etc and deal with contrary texts and calls but eventually a few months back I said enough! If she could not see herself coming back I could no longer be the shoulder to cry on when she felt lonely or down. It was just too painful as envitably after she had her "fix" of me through contact I wouldn't hear from her again for days or weeks.

Roll on a few months and things were starting to go well for me. I'd started dating, nothing serious, just harmless flirtations, dinner out, a few drinks, that type of thing. Confidence slowly returning but still down and not being able to help comparing each date with the ex. A massive improvement in mood though, noticed I was getting a lot more active and starting to plan my life again, things I wanted to do etc.

That is up until two weeks back. Out of the blue the texts started again. At first one or two late on a Friday night when she was obviously out saying she missed me. Then in the evening a few days later when she knew I was holding a bbq saying she wished she was there. Then the calls started, right in the middle of the bbq. Told her I couldn't talk, would be a bit of a cr*p host if I suddenly went all misty eyed on my guests. Told her she could call the following day if she really needed to talk and asked her was everything alright? She said everything was fine, just wanted to hear my voice. Called me twice more later that night and again for an hour two days later. No reason for the call, she didn't even say much. Got the distinct impression she just wanted to listen to me talking about whatever came into my head!

Anyway the texts have continued, I had over 120 that weekend over the course of 3 days, since then a further 80 or so, 40 of which were on this Saturday alone! Just strange, the texts are like they used to be whenever we were apart for a few days, playful and just seeing how I am. Teasing me, calling me pet names she had for me. I asked near the start why was she back in touch, did her family know she was in contact?

She said no her Mother would kill her, not because it's me, but just because we split over 8 months ago and she'd want to know what the hell she was doing? I asked what was she doing and she said she didn't know. Told her that I was starting to get foolish hopes revived, and she said she could never come back, I should know her by now?

Then asked was I dating at all. Didn't want to answer that as it's not something I would ask. She started making her own conclusions though so told her yes I'd been on a few dates but nothing serious. She said she felt like getting sick reading that. But what the hell does she expect me to do???

Anyway sorry for the long ramble. Just don't know anymore what the hell I'm doing. I've gone right down again since she got back in touch. Had a massive row with my brother over it who has been so good to me since it happened. I'd made my peace with her decision, it broke my heart as did saying a few months back I couldn't talk to her anymore. I'd started to get optimistic about things again, and regain my positive outlook. But even though I think I'm deluding myself, there is this insistent hope thats come back that in the end we will sort this out. Can't seem to get rid of it. Think it's the false hope more than anything that is killing me.

humanji · 08-06-2009 2:17pm

What you need to do is cut all contact with her. If she gets in touch with you again just tell her how badly she treated you and that you want nothing to do with her. She'll try emotionally blackmailing you into keeping in contact, but she's said herself nothing will ever come of it. She f*cked you over and is guilty about it. She's not getting in contact for your benefit, it's to ease her guilt.

As you saw before, you will start to feel better. But it will take time. Her getting in touch is a setback, nothing more. You'll move on from her because the only alternative is to have her making you feel miserable for the rest of your life.

Oh, and make up with your brother.

shellyboo · 08-06-2009 2:35pm

Unregistered wrote: »

the texts are like they used to be whenever we were apart for a few days, playful and just seeing how I am. Teasing me, calling me pet names she had for me...

...she said she could never come back, I should know her by now?

Unregistered wrote: »

Then asked was I dating at all...

...She said she felt like getting sick reading that.

What an utter headfcuk. Run, OP, as fast as your legs will carry you. How utterly selfish of her to insert herself back into your life when you were moving on.

This girl doesn't care about you, she's serving her own interests. She's bored, most likely, and she's definitely playing with you. Stop all contact immediately.

Zulu · 08-06-2009 2:38pm

You need to ask her to stop texting you.
She left you. Now she is gone. She needs to stay that way.

Ignore her texts. Dont read them - just delete them.

Move on.

paperclip2 · 08-06-2009 3:03pm

:eek:
Shes playing silly-buggers with you OP. It looks like she ripped your heart out with some half-a**ed excuse about feeling the trust was gone. You spend the better part of a year getting yourself back together and then up she pops and you open the door for round two.

She has made it obvious that your pain means sweet FA to her. If she had any genuine care for you she wouldnt be doing the things shes doing.

So say you get back together, whats to stop her deciding in a couple of months that, once more, the 'trust' is on the missing list and off she goes.:rolleyes: Then you are left with broken heart number two and, chances are, fewer people around to support you.

Think long and hard about this OP for your own sake then run, delete her number, delete all texts and avoid her like the plague.

LegacyUser · 08-06-2009 3:07pm

OP again. Yeah I've thought this since she reopened communication. It was so hard to tell her to stop calling/texting me the first time around. Just the idea of having to do it all over again makes me feel sick to my stomach. Found my appetite is gone again which I can't afford as I lost 3 stone in just over a month after we broke up and try as I might I can't put it back on. Good bit below what I should be. Sleep has gone to crap as well, managing around 4 hours a night now. Funny thing is when she first started contact again she kept saying how much she missed me, loved me, could never see herself with anyone else and was resigned to a life as a spinster. Bit dramatic I know. Noticed a change since yesterday, saying she was out on the beer but she thought it was weird she wasn't with me as yesterday went to an event that up until now we would have gone to together year in and out.

One reason I had the row with my brother who went with me (made up with him this morning and apologised,knew he was right last night,just didn't want to talk about it). Felt really down there without her. Anyway today got a text asking how was my head, said a bit tired and down. Get a reply saying she's a big hungover as well but has the day off. Chin up, you'll be grand.

Get the impression from that that she's had all the emotional support she needs for now and is doing fine again. This was one thing I'd noticed before (but forgotten). Each time she'd always start as down where I'd be ok doing my own thing. Once I seem to be down as well she then seems fine and thats when contact will peter out.

However she has asked me to meet next Saturday for coffee but no idea why. She now lives at home the far side of the country so this will be her first time in my area since she moved home. Said she wants to go to all "her" shops which she misses in my hometown so wants to meet me there for coffee too if I like?

one of the reasons I haven't cut contact yet. I know I'm setting myself up for yet another dissapointment (we've met 3 times since we broke up and each time at the end I realised she just wanted to see me, not be with me). Don't know if I should go but the eternal optimist in me says go. If I don't I'm afraid I'll just end up wondering what might have happened.

Taltos · 08-06-2009 3:14pm

Hi OP,

sorry to be replying to you again

As before this one is just out to wreck your head and your life in an effort to make herself and only herself feel better.

What you need to do is short and painful - but you saw before you were starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

1. DELETE all texts without reading
2. If they continue contact your service provider and request they block her number
3. Use caller ID on mobile & home phone - do NOT answer / pick up the phone if she calls you
4. Disable your answering service temporarily - why listen to any of that crap, it will just pull you down.
5. Next time you talk to her - and make sure it is the last time inform her - "your calls & texts are not welcome. I do not deserve or want your harrassment. Stop immediately or I will inform the gardai." Do not mention anything else or get drawn into your life in any manner - just repeat this once or twice and hang up.
6. Maybe also pop into your local garda station and seek some off-the-record advice on what else you can do to stop this person from ruining your life.

I am sorry if I am coming across as insensitive or harsh - but man - it is time to move on. She needs to let you go and let you get on with your life. If she really cared for you and I really mean this then - a) she would not have put you thru this in the first place (STI checks me a***) & b) would not be doing her best to make sure that you can only think about her. - How are you to move on when she is constantly in your face.

If the above does not work then consider changing your numbers and limiting who has access.

best of luck - I really hope you get this nutter out of your life for good to let you get on with yours.

T

shellyboo · 08-06-2009 3:18pm

Unregistered wrote: »

one of the reasons I haven't cut contact yet. I know I'm setting myself up for yet another dissapointment (we've met 3 times since we broke up and each time at the end I realised she just wanted to see me, not be with me). Don't know if I should go but the eternal optimist in me says go. If I don't I'm afraid I'll just end up wondering what might have happened.

Let me kill that curiosity for you, OP. Here's what's going to happen. She'll schmooze you until the day of the meeting, and when you get there she'll look amazing. You'll talk about your lives and she'll say how much she misses you, and you'll say how much you miss her. And then she'll let you give her a goodbye kiss... and then you'll crack. You'll ask her to get back and spill your guts to her.

And she'll put on a confused look and say "but we talked about this... I just want to be friends..."

And your heart will break all over again. Don't meet her, OP. For your own sake.

Barracudaincork · 08-06-2009 3:39pm

OP my heart goes out to you big time. This girl is nothing but a using shameful self indulged individual whos only concern is herself and her feelings.

The thing is this girl is not all bad, she has her good points and you know them, we boardies dont so we go on facts as we see them and as i see it she is being cruel the way she is treating you. If she really cared for you, the way she claims she would leave you alone. Why? well because you deserve better than this. She knows damn well what she is doing and dont think otherwise for one second, we are all responsible for our actions and she is no different, she is choosing to get your hopes up etc use you for her own satisfaction.

What i hope you can understand is that her treatment of you is not how you treat someone you love, someone you respect, someone you are loyal too, she doesnt treat you the way you should be, the way everyone should be. I know your hurting and its sad but the one person who can make this better is you and the one who can make it worse is her.

Break all contact, dont meet her, just put an end to it and do it TODAY!!

LegacyUser · 08-06-2009 4:25pm

OP again. Just wanted to say thanks to all who've posted. I know what she is doing is selfish and tbh the last 8 months have been an eye opener in more ways than one. Everything she has done in this period is so out of character with the girl I knew and fell in love with that at times I think someone else has her phone!

She's contacted me while knowing I've gone off on a holiday purely as a break from all the stress. Got texts while away saying she was looking through our old photos and crying. Whereas when she went on a holiday (I told her to go saying she needs a break) she would text me again saying what she was doing and I would love it, not the same without me. Told her to stop texting and just enjoy herself.

Anyway I know underneath it all she is still the same thoughtful sweet girl I fell for, the girl who would have done anything for me and was always thinking of me first. I know that I was stupid and put myself in a position where the conclusion she drew even if incorrect was the one anyone would draw. I couldn't understand why when all the facts finally emerged she couldn't change her mind. I know she had said some terrible things about me to her family that were untrue even if at the time she thought they were. I couldn't understand how after all we'd been through and knowing me more than anyone else including my family she couldn't of at least given me the benefit of the doubt.

At this stage I'd put all thoughts of what if and if only out of my head. What happened happened. At first I felt at fault but as time went on it became apparent to me that her reaction was so far over the top as to be surreal. Even good friends of hers who know the full story couldn't understand it and asked her what the hell she was doing? One of her best friends who with the best intentions tried to talk to her about it found herself without a friend afterwards.

Anyway I've got between now and Saturday to think of it. I know you all think I'm mad for even considering it, but I guess love is a bit mad, as well as thick. I should know better now and I know this whole meeting is probably for her own benefit. But I also know I will hurt her if I don't go and I could never do that intentionally. I'm not really the tit for tat type. More of a mug I suppose

catratbat · 08-06-2009 5:42pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyway I know underneath it all she is still the same thoughtful sweet girl I fell for, the girl who would have done anything for me and was always thinking of me first.

Really? Even though she behaved like....

Unregistered wrote: »

I know she had said some terrible things about me to her family that were untrue even if at the time she thought they were. I couldn't understand how after all we'd been through and knowing me more than anyone else including my family she couldn't of at least given me the benefit of the doubt.

Yup, thoughtful and sweet....

Unregistered wrote: »

I know you all think I'm mad for even considering it, but I guess love is a bit mad, as well as thick. I should know better now and I know this whole meeting is probably for her own benefit. But I also know I will hurt her if I don't go and I could never do that intentionally. I'm not really the tit for tat type. More of a mug I suppose

More of a mug? Yeah and boy does she know it...

This makes me so angry to see another person being played as a fool by someone who just wants a toy 'cos she hasn't seen a bit of action for a while.

And if ye did get back together?
If someone new and novel comes along she'll ditch you bleating about a 'lack of trust' (self-invented)...

Let her star in her own personal melodrama as that's what it is, live your life, you're doing so well... if ye got back together would YOU ever trust HER again?

humanji · 08-06-2009 6:11pm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP again. Just wanted to say thanks to all who've posted. I know what she is doing is selfish and tbh the last 8 months have been an eye opener in more ways than one. Everything she has done in this period is so out of character with the girl I knew and fell in love with that at times I think someone else has her phone!

She's contacted me while knowing I've gone off on a holiday purely as a break from all the stress. Got texts while away saying she was looking through our old photos and crying. Whereas when she went on a holiday (I told her to go saying she needs a break) she would text me again saying what she was doing and I would love it, not the same without me. Told her to stop texting and just enjoy herself.

Anyway I know underneath it all she is still the same thoughtful sweet girl I fell for, the girl who would have done anything for me and was always thinking of me first. I know that I was stupid and put myself in a position where the conclusion she drew even if incorrect was the one anyone would draw. I couldn't understand why when all the facts finally emerged she couldn't change her mind. I know she had said some terrible things about me to her family that were untrue even if at the time she thought they were. I couldn't understand how after all we'd been through and knowing me more than anyone else including my family she couldn't of at least given me the benefit of the doubt.

At this stage I'd put all thoughts of what if and if only out of my head. What happened happened. At first I felt at fault but as time went on it became apparent to me that her reaction was so far over the top as to be surreal. Even good friends of hers who know the full story couldn't understand it and asked her what the hell she was doing? One of her best friends who with the best intentions tried to talk to her about it found herself without a friend afterwards.

Anyway I've got between now and Saturday to think of it. I know you all think I'm mad for even considering it, but I guess love is a bit mad, as well as thick. I should know better now and I know this whole meeting is probably for her own benefit. But I also know I will hurt her if I don't go and I could never do that intentionally. I'm not really the tit for tat type. More of a mug I suppose

I'm sorry to hear that, but I know how it feels, so it's understandable. You're setting yourself up for a fall. There is no future with this girl, only a hell of a lot of heartache. I'm thinking that the "thoughtful sweet girl" you fell for didn't exist and the selfish manipulator you're seeing now is the real her. As bad as it sounds, I'm thinking her leaving was the best possible thing that could happen to you.

At the end of the day, it's your call, but don't make it blindly.

Wagon · 08-06-2009 6:33pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyway I've got between now and Saturday to think of it. I know you all think I'm mad for even considering it, but I guess love is a bit mad, as well as thick. I should know better now and I know this whole meeting is probably for her own benefit. But I also know I will hurt her if I don't go and I could never do that intentionally. I'm not really the tit for tat type. More of a mug I suppose

Who gives a flying fúck if she get's hurt?!?! for god's sake mate cop on here!! This is exactly the type of attutude you have towards her and this is why you are getting those texts!

There's a fine line between great optimism and great stupidity. And unless you tell this absolute retard to fúck off then you'll just do the damage to yourself all over again. she isnt interested in getting back with you. She merely wants the emotional support and gets a kick that someone out there is still pining for her. She treated you like crap. I'm also willing to bet that she never told her family that you never did cheat in fact. They still think you're the bad guy. to keep that going, she hasn't told her mother that she's back in contact.

I rarely say this but...get a new phone number. From the rate and frequency of the texts, she isn't going to stop until she gets her way. Get a new number, text all your mates the new one, and then burn the old sim card. get a nice new phone as well while your at it! Just literally cut all lines of communication and then your head wiill be at peace and you won't get dragged down again. I mean it, nothing good will come of meeting up with her.

LegacyUser · 08-06-2009 6:49pm

I know I'd be like you & I would have to go "just in case", however unfortunately I think you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment. If you are set on meeting her, then at least please go with the attitude that this is the last time & use it as an opportunity to tell her that you wont accept her behaviour any more and that you are moving on. You sound like too nice a person to be mixed up with somebody who is making you so unhappy.

Barracudaincork · 08-06-2009 7:07pm

A mug? thats an understatement! Try all the mugs made of bone china is how big a mug you will be if you go on Saturday.

You owe her nothing, nadda, zilch, you owe yourself a whole lot more!

This girl yes was once sweet, once being the key word, i mean without sounding flippant Hilter im sure was once a sweet kid! She changed and she treated you like crap back then when you broke up, look at how upset you were then, how much weight you lost etc All those things happened because of how she treated you.

Her treatment of you hasnt changed, she is still all about her she is not the girl you fell in love with and she wont ever be that girl again and your just fantasting if you think otherwise. We all have done it, dont get me wrong, thats how i know what your doing. We all wish and hope thats things have changed so we do things like you plan on doing on Saturday but no sooner that we do it we soon realise we are back to square one and nope the girl/guy hasnt changed.

Dont just think twice before you decide if you go on saturday or not, think 56,789 times!

Taltos · 08-06-2009 8:07pm

Hi OP,

going to meet her is totally within your perogative and I really do wish you the best.
I know right now you are struggling to reconcile your "blurred" memories of everything she did for you - to your memories of her being unreasonable and cruel to her friend who spoke up for you - to what you are seeing right now (a double dealing; two mouthed little princess).

People change over time, and some do not, instead what changes is our perception of them.

Be very very careful next week. Please let her take the lead - do not overcommit yourself. I know from reading your posts over the last while that you really do wear your heart on your sleeve - please please try to pull it back again a bit so that it is not stamped on one more time.

Even if (which I do not for one minute believe) get back with this girl your relationship will never ever be as it was. Her family etc will always doubt you, in fact she will probably also doubt you and throw this at you as well whenever she feels the need to dominate you again (note the key word here).

The final thing I will say to you is that you need to do what is ultimately best for you here. Even if that something makes you sad to begin with.
Hoping that you find a path where you will be happy.

LegacyUser · 10-06-2009 1:47pm

Hi Op here again. Thanks for all the replies and yeah I know you think me a mug. However there are two sides to every story and though I haven't gone into detail here her initial reaction to what happened was at the time justified, though all that has happened since is hard to forget. She made some very hasty spur of the moment decisions such as moving out and telling her family within 12 hours of the initial argument everything she thought had happened. Don't want to go into detail as it's fairly complicated, suffice to say the underlying issues that led to it were resolved by me and it finally became clear that I hadn't nor ever intended to be unfaithful. A lot of water had gone under the bridge at that stage though which made it very hard to find a way back for both of us.

She had said time and again that she wishes we had managed to talk about what was bothering me to begin with before everything went to hell. Ironically it was only when this occured that I was finally able to talk about it.

Anyway for this reason as well as others I have tried to be here for her, hoping that in time she would fully understand what had happened and the reasons behind it, plus the impossibility of a similar situation ever arising. I had given up on her ever trying to understand or accept what had happened several months back when it became obvious she had not taken in anything I or anyone else had said to her.

The recent contact has set me back to where I was when we first broke up. Without meaning to my hopes are back, I find myself dreaming about us, smiling and no longer sure if it's just because I'm in a good mood or is that mood caused by her texts. This was really confusing at the start of the whole thing as I never could tell where my mood stemmed from. It was only after I had broken all contact and had stopped counting the days since the last contact that I was sure my moods were because of me and me alone.

The texts have continued, about 40 yesterday and the same the day before. We've now reached a point where we are chatting as though one of us is away for a few days, talking not intimately but fondly like a couple. Joking with each other, asking how was our day etc and saying goodnight x before going to sleep. I've wanted to ask has she told anyone she is in touch with me as I've a feeling the answer would be no. Not sure how that makes me feel, gone from husband to be to dirty little secret that no-one can know about. As if she were ashamed of me. Not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway I decided to hold off on asking that or any other questions like it for the moment. She asked again if I will meet with her and I've said I will. I know I am almost 100% likely to be facing disappointment and heartache again but I need to be sure. I would never have given up on her, the biggest shock of this whole debacle was the speed with which she gave up on me. I don't know, I know this has been the biggest upset of her life as well as mine. I know she wishes with all her heart we were still together, married now and planning our family. I know she has been fighting with herself over this, heart and mind. She has said time and again she could never trust me again. I know I would find it hard to be comfortable with her again, but I think with time I could learn to trust her again. Maybe with time she could do the same?

Barracudaincork · 10-06-2009 2:37pm

OP I honestly feel that no matter what we say to you here you will justify your answer and stick up for her, you have your in love rose tinted glasses on.

Thats your bag, its your life and your heart, im not going to say anymore now, apart from i really wish you the best of luck in all of this and i really hope you dont get hurt again.

LegacyUser · 10-06-2009 2:43pm

Sorry OP yet again. I just reread what I wrote and realised it sounds like I want us back together no matter what the cost. To be honest I'm unsure about this. I thought I could never go back after all thats been said. But as it has never been on the table I've never really given myself the luxury of thinking about it.

Very easy to say "I'll never go back" to make yourself feel better, but hardly any point if the option isn't even there.

I'm not going to meet her to try and see if we can get back together. The ball is in her court for that. If there is no indication from her that she wishes to even consider the possibility than I will have to tell her contact ceases from the moment we walk out the door and will not be reopened. It's not an ultimatium, well I suppose in some ways in could be considered that.

I just don't see the point of this reenacting itself out 3 months down the road and ending up saying goodbye yet again. We've already done that each time we've met and countless others over the phone, and each time she will contact me again. It's just too draining to contemplate a future of goodbyes. I think with time and effort on both our parts I could see a possible future, but it would be one that would need to be very carefully considered. Until we start talking about that there is no point in me thinking futher on it and I have to continue planning just for me.

Zulu · 10-06-2009 6:21pm

<snip> sorry just read your reply

Wagon · 10-06-2009 8:39pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not going to meet her to try and see if we can get back together. The ball is in her court for that. If there is no indication from her that she wishes to even consider the possibility than I will have to tell her contact ceases from the moment we walk out the door and will not be reopened. It's not an ultimatium, well I suppose in some ways in could be considered that.

It's pretty obvious from this i can tell what you're doing and that's looking for some confirmation on where you stand. No harm in that, but make sure that you look very carefully at the situation when you do meet her.

I just don't see the point of this reenacting itself out 3 months down the road and ending up saying goodbye yet again. We've already done that each time we've met and countless others over the phone, and each time she will contact me again. It's just too draining to contemplate a future of goodbyes. I think with time and effort on both our parts I could see a possible future, but it would be one that would need to be very carefully considered. Until we start talking about that there is no point in me thinking futher on it and I have to continue planning just for me.

I'd still get rid of her to be honest but there's probably more to the story and you know better.

Be careful of one thing though. She's hanging onto you for emotional support from the looks of things. If she brings up talk of getting back together but follows with a "im not in the right place right now", or "need to be single" and "lets see where it goes" or any other horseshít, walk out that door and cut contact forever. Because she knows you still have feelings for her and can manipulate with them. This is how she'll keep stringing you on. Please be careful of this.

coadyj · 10-06-2009 10:02pm

hey op, sorry im a bit late replying to your story, from what I read people are telling you to run

Sounds to me like she is definitely still in love with you and you with her, why don't you give her a chance. There must have been a reason on your behalf for the break up

go for it, to be honest this is the classical boy meets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl again

If I'm off the mark fair enough, but I still say go for it.

Zulu · 10-06-2009 10:14pm

coadyj wrote: »

Sounds to me like she is definitely still in love with you and you with her, why don't you give her a chance. There must have been a reason on your behalf for the break up

Worst. Advice. Ever.

go for it, to be honest this is the classical boy meets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl again

Partially true, but, in reality more like:
1) boy meets girl
2) girl leaves boy
3) girl uses boy briefly while waiting for next boy
4) boy gets hurt

coadyj · 10-06-2009 10:36pm

Zulu wrote: »

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Yeah, not necessarily. We are unclear of the facts. From what I can gather she thought he cheated on her, which he didn't. She seems to realise this and hopes that because of her mistake she is not too late.

People do break up and get back together and sometimes are better off for doing so. She sounded devastated when he told her he was dating again and also seems to be happy when they are in contact.

OP, I really think from how you phrased it that she is still mad about you, but it looked like there was a lot of hurt on her side too.

To everyone else who thinks I'm off the mark, read how he describes her. He is not ready to move on from this and its totally worth giving it one more shot. I know there is a possibility of pain, but there is also the possibility of regarding this for the rest of his life. And of course, there is the possibility they will end up happy ever after. They were engaged to be married after all.

either way, i wish you the best of luck OP and would love it if you kept us up tp date on this matter.

coadyj · 10-06-2009 10:39pm

sorry one quick question OP, did you cheat on her or not?

LegacyUser · 11-06-2009 8:29am

OP again. Quick answer in reply to Coadyj. No I didn't. As I've said what happened is not that simple and could not be explained without a lot of background knowledge which I'm not going to divulge. Sorry, I considered writing about it, in fact I've just deleted a lengthy reply.

All I can say is as I've already said. At the time the natural conclusion was that I had been or was planning to be unfaithful. I wasn't but the reasons behind why what happened were complex and would be hard for a lot of people to accept, especially if emotionally involved. Thats all I am going to say on it, it's been done to death with family, friends, her and others. I'm not going into it here.

But yes, you are right in one respect Coadyj, she does still love me. I've never doubted this, or had reason to. She originally had good reason to doubt me but now knows this was never the case, I have always loved her, that never changed.

We've talked more about meeting and have both agreed it is a bit of a stupid thing to do. But she wants to see me, she told me she dreams about me everynight. I am the same, and I think even if nothing but more hurt comes from meeting her I will regret even more not seeing her.

Wagon · 11-06-2009 11:29am

Unregistered wrote: »

But yes, you are right in one respect Coadyj, she does still love me. I've never doubted this, or had reason to.

Really? She still loves you? You could have fúcking fooled me.

She originally had good reason to doubt me but now knows this was never the case, I have always loved her, that never changed.

So if that's the case then why didn't she take you back after it all came out that you did nothing wrong? Why didn't she say "oh grand! lets get this back on track" because that's what I'd do if i loved someone!

We've talked more about meeting and have both agreed it is a bit of a stupid thing to do. But she wants to see me, she told me she dreams about me everynight. I am the same, and I think even if nothing but more hurt comes from meeting her I will regret even more not seeing her.

If you sign on here afterwards and tell us that you are going to give it another go, ill eat my own hat. If i had one spare. She's trying to use you again just like she did over the last few occaisions of this happening. What Zulu wrote was accurate:

Partially true, but, in reality more like:
1) boy meets girl
2) girl leaves boy
3) girl uses boy briefly while waiting for next boy
4) boy gets hurt

I still say go and meet her if you want and get some closure but the woman sounds like a complete retard so dont get your hopes up that it'll be that simple. Just don't fall into the same trap again.

Zulu · 11-06-2009 12:36pm

Folks. Seriously. If you love someone and are engaged - you try to work out your problems.

If on the other hand, you would like to love someone; you have feeling towards someone; you care about someone; and you are engaged, and you are having doubts, you take an opportunity to pull out; to escape.

This girl may have loved you, but not enough to spend the rest of her live with you. She's keeping that love for another person. She took the opportunity to cancel the wedding and leave you. She pounced on this opportunity, and ensured she burnt the bridge by telling family & friends. She never wanted to go back. She left you, and she didn't have respect enough for you to tell you the truth. She took the easy way out - and to hell with you.

Now she's lonely. Now she misses the support and affection you show her. She doesn't miss you. She's still waiting for another person to share the rest of her life with. She's still looking for different man to share her bed.

Sorry buddy - but thats the truth of it.

Zulu · 11-06-2009 12:40pm

...oh, and get your ring back.

I'm betting she was so upset she forgot to give it back; she kept it.

b3t4 · 11-06-2009 12:52pm

Op, I'm not going to give you any advise on what to do as I know, from reading your replies, you're completely and utterly blinded by this girl and your feelings.

Learn your lesson but remember that when the lesson is learnt that it's not the end of the world, you will be able to manage and you will pick yourself up again.

A.

Zulu · 11-06-2009 1:00pm

b3t4 wrote: »

Op, I'm not going to give you any advise on what to do as I know, from reading your replies, you're completely and utterly blinded by this girl and your feelings.

Learn your lesson but remember that when the lesson is learnt that it's not the end of the world, you will be able to manage and you will pick yourself up again.

A.

Even though you did exactly what you set out not to do in the first sentence!

You're dead right.

OP, b3t4 is bang on here. You'll come through this and be stronger for it.

coadyj · 11-06-2009 8:13pm

here, is it sooooo impossible that she realises she made a mistake and wants
him back. You guys are telling him to run from someone he clearly still has feelings for. How is that useful advice?

The only person here who has made any sense is b3t4, which is something I mentioned earlier, give it a go, what harm can it do.

If you do get hurt again, you will get over it.

Wagon · 11-06-2009 8:57pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree with you on most points Wagon, but is there any need to use the term 'retard'? I find that really offensive.

Yep. Look at what she's doing:

She thought he cheated on her or was going to. Then it transpires that absolutely nothing of the sort happened. Then she says the trust is gone and has made him look like the bad guy. and she bombards him with messages every so often to keep him on a leash and stop him from moving on. Because all she thinks about is herself and refuses to let him move on until she is positive she doesn't need him anymore.

im just trying to help the chap and not see him post here at the weekend right back at square one. If you have a better word please PM me and ill analyse it. then if i feel that it goes with the flow of the post, ill edit it accordingly. Until then, the word stays.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2009 11:13pm

Ok,

I'm going to draw a few conclusions here from what you've posted.

Did you in some way lead her to believe that you were cheating on her, which led to the break up at the time? (for whatever reasons)

She seems a bit mental, yes, and confused. She'll get over it.

She's obviously told her family friends her conclusions about you eight months ago.

..Or whenever you broke up, ..and in her own set of beliefs (and maybe their's), feels like it's impossible to go back on that.

It seems that the two of you need to resolve this break up and maybe concentrate on the issues that can make you move on from each other rather than how much you still love each other.

That really never got any one anywhere.

From what I can gather there was a ****storm that ended the relationship.

In essence there are a few questions that need to be posed if you do meet up.

1) Is the reason she can't come back to you because she feels you misled her.
2) Is the reason she can't come back to you because she has told everyone you cheated on her and for personal or their beliefs... can't go back on that.
(if so she cares more about what people think, or the connection with family and friends, than being with you, that can be interpreted whatever way you like...but is that love?)

3) You both seem to have created your own demise, and if the above questions can't be overcome, say goodbye and change your number.

1-3 could easily be done over the phone and to the point with a clear head, without putting yourself through the misery of seeing someone.

LegacyUser · 15-06-2009 1:31pm

OP again. Well went much as I expected except we met two days running. First day had lunch, chatted about all types of banal stuff, family, friends etc but was only in the last few minutes when I walked her to her car that we talked about anything important. I asked did she want to met again and I got an ambigious answer. Said she was really happy being at home again, hadn't realised just how lonely she was without her friends etc and that there must have been something wrong with us if she felt like this.

I told her she had been like that when I met her, it was nothing to do with me, just she was already unhappy about living in Dublin where she'd already been a few years before I met her. Told her this was the reason I'd agreed to move with her to her hometown, because I wanted her to be happy. Only reason we were still here was because I couldn't sell my house and she knew that.

Anyway felt it had left too many things unresolved, she seemed more like she was asking me how can we make it work if she lives 2 hours away so I called her later and told her we needed to talk again. Also told her I'd wanted to kiss her the whole time I was with her in the afternoon and hold her hand. She asked why I hadn't? Up until Friday morning she was saying she was afraid of meeting me because she thought she'd just want to kiss me and where that might lead. When I met her though she kept stressing how happy she was at home with her friends and then said until she met me she wasn't sure how she felt, but meeting me she viewed me more as a friend. Not nice to hear, and to be honest she wasn't that convincing.

Met again on Sunday, this time totally different. Sat in her car and talked, exact same as meetings had been up until I told her no more contact. Very little eye contact, her not saying much. She said when she was in work on the Friday morning there was a conversation very similiar to what happened between us and the girls were asking each other what would they do if that happened? She said she realised then that it was still in her head and would never be gone. She had thought it was going but after that conversation she thought if it's still there after 8 months it will always be there.

She said she loves me completely, I'm the love of her life but she just doesn't seem to be able to get over that hump (her words). I told her then if that was how she felt then she could never contact me again and we left it at that, me in bits again but not showing it.

Anyway I got a text off her within half an hour saying she was sorry, she hadn't meant to upset me. Told her I wished she'd thought it through fully before contacting me, and considered the effect contact would have on me. The texts toward the end of last week were getting much more reconciliatory in nature, without wanting to I was starting to believe we could work it out.

Anyway she rang me later after I hadn't replied to her last text to see if I was ok. Said I was, just heartbroken again as I expected I would be, felt like I'd lost her all over again. Told her I'd guessed this would be the outcome but that I thought she was worth taking the chance on, just wished she thought me worth taking a chance on in return. Also asked when I had kissed her on the cheek to say goodbye I had the impression she wanted me to kiss her, had she? She said yes she had but was confused, thought it would be a mistake but really wanted to.

So again back to square one, but...., with a difference. Originally she had said not only could she not get over the trust issue, but that she also thought of me differently as a result and could never see herself with me again. This was constant for a long time, she just couldn't be attracted to me anymore. This has changed totally now. She admits she still loves me which she has said for the last 6 months, but now she also says she is still attracted to me like no other guy. She has told me she always dreams about me in that way and hopes as she goes to sleep that her dreams will be like that. The only thing is she can't get over her loss of trust and the reason behind it.

So there it is, slowly certain things have changed but the core of this is still there. That is loss of trust and how it happened. Everything else such as family and where she now lives is secondary to this. I feel progress has been made, and if she gave it a chance we would get over this. It's obvious at this stage that she wants to be with me, but just doesn't see how she can get over the original reason we broke up. I know a lot of you see her as manipulative, selfish etc, and to an extent I'd agree as my feelings haven't been high on her list of priorities whenever she's got in touch. But at the same time she was heartbroken, without intending to I hurt her so much. She knows now that what I did was not directed at her, but was more to do with something that had been bothering me for years and I've finally been able to sort out since. I told her this yesterday and she said that she had done nothing to me and it felt like I was trying to blame her, that the breakup was my fault. This wasn't said as a dig by her, and I explained I wasn't trying to blame her for anything, I was just trying to get her to understand the effect it has on me when she contacts me.

I don't know at this stage, I think I was starting to get on with things. I realised I still missed her all the time, and was still heartbroken, but I'd made my peace with it much as I hated given up on ever sorting this out. But at the same time, it's almost as if she is trying to get me to figure out how we can get over this, as if she wants me to just get in the car and drive down to her. To kiss her and prove that I still love her. I haven't done this because the last thing I wanted to be was a stalker. She said she couldn't be with me but her actions totally contradict this. I said as much last night on the phone, talked of just driving down to her and she didn't say don't. Told her I wanted to kiss her and she didn't say to not say things like that. Everything she is doing seems to be like she is waiting for me to make the first move but for one I don't know if I'm just fooling myself, also if it is the case, what move?

Zulu · 15-06-2009 2:15pm

Mind. Fuck.

IF she's serious - don't meet her again, unless you are in a room with a counsellor, and you are both committed to resolving the issue.

OP, your post hasn't convinced me of anything other than my original assertion. She's fucking with you (maybe not intentionally, but she is) and you are going to get burnt so badly. Sorry

OP, you've also avoided answering one thing: did you ever get the engagement ring back? Would you mind answering this question please?

Wibbs · 15-06-2009 2:49pm

Zulu, while I fully agree with the rest of your post, ease up on the badgering of the OP re the ring. If he wants to answer he will and if he doesnt that's his choice. Thanks.

Wagon · 15-06-2009 3:49pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Everything she is doing seems to be like she is waiting for me to make the first move but for one I don't know if I'm just fooling myself, also if it is the case, what move?

There isn't one!

I read your post carefully. Unfortunately you didn't get the closure you deserved because to her, there's none of that either. She knew that was why you were going to meet her because you wanted to see where you stood, and by avoiding questions, going back of forth and generally being a pain in the arse, you never got your closure and once again you're back at square one. Which is what she wants. Not because she wants to give it another go but because she likes the idea of someone lusting after her. Those people exist and your ex is one of them.

She doesn't care or respect you. Look at this:

She said she loves me completely, I'm the love of her life but she just doesn't seem to be able to get over that hump (her words). I told her then if that was how she felt then she could never contact me again and we left it at that, me in bits again but not showing it.

A very reasonable request by you. but then...

Anyway I got a text off her within half an hour saying she was sorry, she hadn't meant to upset me.

The bitch didn't even give you an hour to grieve. Shows how much respect she has for your feelings.

I'll be brutally honest here, you're acting like a fool at this stage. Not once were you given a straight answer of where you stood and you're forming opinions in your head that she wants you but is unsure herself. Rubbish. she doesn't want to get back with you. This is the proof here:

When I met her though she kept stressing how happy she was at home with her friends and then said until she met me she wasn't sure how she felt, but meeting me she viewed me more as a friend.

Also this:

Not nice to hear, and to be honest she wasn't that convincing.

she was indeed lying. She doesn't even see you as a friend. she sees you as an ex. One still pining after her and one she can use as an emotional crutch. Want more bloody proof??

Told her I'd guessed this would be the outcome but that I thought she was worth taking the chance on, just wished she thought me worth taking a chance on in return. Also asked when I had kissed her on the cheek to say goodbye I had the impression she wanted me to kiss her, had she? She said yes she had but was confused, thought it would be a mistake but really wanted to.

More headwrecking bóllocks.

So look at the result. you're right back at square one with a difference. ie. you think there's a chance you can make it work. Here's what will happen 6 months down the line

you spend time with her and are her shoulder to cry on when she's feeling down. You feel more and more confident as time goes on. then she meets someone else and the phone calls stop and the texting stops. you ring her and ask for an answer and she tells you that it's time you both moved on and she has someone new now. And where will you be!? At the bottom of a fúcking bottle wondering what you spent the last year and a half on.

get rid of your number and get a new one and delete all contact details etc... for your sake. because this will never work. Look at the logic: She found out you never cheated and she didn't think it was worth having another go. That's not the actions of someone who loves you.

ManOfMystery · 15-06-2009 4:52pm

OP I'm getting the impression here that, from your recent meetings with her, you seem to think that if you kiss each other all wrongs will suddenly be righted and the situation will fix itself.

The girl is a complete head****. Kissing her will only complicate the situation even more, and after the kiss there will no doubt be even more confusion on her part - whether she should have kissed your or not, whether it meant anything, etc.

She is making a fairly simple situation horribly complicated as it is. IMO, she's getting an emotional kick out of the fact that you're still after her but has no intention of committing to you. She'll continue to meet and lead you on until somewhere down the line you find out she has a new guy she's mad about.

There are a number of intelligent people in this thread who have been in similar situations and are giving you good advice, but if you continue to ignore it and continue on with your own ideas, what was the point of posting here? It's only going to end in disaster.

Zulu · 15-06-2009 5:16pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Zulu, while I fully agree with the rest of your post, ease up on the badgering of the OP re the ring. If he wants to answer he will and if he doesnt that's his choice. Thanks.

Wibbs - np.

LegacyUser · 15-06-2009 8:49pm

For your sake please get away from this person as soon as possible. She is just messing with your feelings and while you would like to believe that you will get back together again, she has no intention of that ever happening. She is being very selfish and you need to cut all ties & get on with your life. It wont be easy but you really need to do this!

gimme5minutes · 15-06-2009 11:39pm

The simple fact is that if she wanted to get back with you she would. She knows you are hanging on her every word and will get back with her in a second with her if she asked. So why hasn't she? Because she's not interested. She is feeding you a non stop stream of shoite and you are lapping it up and reading too much into it. Some of your posts read as delusional. She's bored and lonely up the other end of the country and you are giving her attention. Once she sorts herself out with another guy I imagine the texting will decrease big time, although Im sure she'll still be firing off the occasional text to keep you in check.

I also think your whole approach for getting back with her was wrong to begin with. Even if she had the slightest thoughts of getting back with you the vibes you were giving off were killing your chances. You were, and are, coming off as totally desperate and leaving the ball completely in her court, giving her all the power over you. No woman is attracted to a desperate man. You should've just said once these texts started 'Give me a straight answer, do you want us to try again? If not don't bother, contacting me again'.

Daftendirekt · 16-06-2009 1:12am

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say that I agree with most of what's already been said here.

Your last post was very telling, and if you read it back to yourself objectively, I think you'll see what I mean. It's obvious this person doesn't really care about you, and I really think at this point the only thing you can do is cut your losses and run.

To be honest, even if she did decide she wanted to give it another shot, how long before something like this happens again? Your relationship would be tarred by trust issues alright, but it'd be you who could never trust her, not the other way round.

I know it sounds harsh, but she's playing head games with you, and you're playing right into them. You don't don't want to believe it, but if you take a step back, you'll see it. You clearly still care about her and you seize on every little indication that she feels the same, while blatantly ignoring the obvious signs that she doesn't. But 5 years down the line, I can guarantee you'll look back on this and wonder why you didn't get out sooner.

No matter how hard it is, you REALLY have to cut contact with her. This woman is bad for you, and this won't end in a happy ending. The sooner you sever all ties, the sooner you can get on with your life. The next time she calls, don't answer; the next time she texts, don't reply. Maybe even change your number as another poster suggested.

And absolutely do NOT meet her again. You'll only prolong the agony. You were right to meet up once to see if you could get some closure, but as of now, you need to resolve to completely erase her from your life, no matter what.

I know it's painful, but it really has to be done. I hope you make the right choice, sooner rather than later, and walk away. Best of luck.

thebiggestjim · 16-06-2009 1:43am

OP you need to start listening to what people are saying on this thread. You are putting yourself in a very bad place.

togster · 16-06-2009 6:43am

OP, i really believe you will go down the path of trying to fix this.

At the moment she feels like you have the upper hand and that makes her insecure. As soon as you take a step towards her, she backs off. This is pretty common, when something goes seriously wrong in a relationship. People remember what was there, the love and security of it all, and try to see if it's still there. Ultimately it's not.

Look, i understand you want the girl back. She is not a bad person. You know that. You know she is capable of much more. I mean you loved her right? She can't be anything other than what you remember right? You believe that she (the woman you love(d)) is still there somewhere. And maybe she is.

If you really want her back. Cut contact. Wait and see what happens. Set yourself a timeline. Perhaps a year to achieve some goals. It's ok to think about her and be sad but not to the detriment of yourself.

People do stupid things when they are in love and falling out of it. She has done some stupid things and you have done some ridiculously stupid and pathetic things. No woman wants to see her man as pathetic. Cut contact, move on and be a man. Only then will you truly be happy, with or without her.

Come on man!

LegacyUser · 16-06-2009 10:13am

OP here, probably for the last time on this thread. Firstly @Zulu she never took the ring, it's been sitting in a drawer since she left. I've written a lot in reply to all thats been said here, and each time deleted it. Sorry but for a full understanding of why she has acted like she has and why I've allowed it to continue, a lot more information would need to be divulged, and to be honest I'm just not prepared to do that. There are those amongst family and friends who know the full story, and to an extent even they agree with most posters here, but they also understand why I have put myself in the firing line time and again even if it means getting battered emotionally everytime.

Anyway I'm moving on again. No contact since Sunday. If she does get back in touch again there will be no more meetings in a car, or prolonged texting etc. She has asked how can she get over what happened to start all of this. There are ways, couple counselling for one which I had suggested several times in the early days. If she still doesn't wish to at least try than that is the end of it for good.

Zulu · 16-06-2009 10:41am

Unregistered wrote: »

There are ways, couple counselling for one which I had suggested several times in the early days. If she still doesn't wish to at least try than that is the end of it for good.

Nice one OP - this is really sensible - fair dues.
Listen sorry for pushing the ring thing. TBH I was hoping she'd kept it as it'd have been easy to vilify her. And that mightn't have been the right approach to take.

Suffice to say - we've all been there at some stage, and maybe we all see parts of you in us, I know I do. Time really does change things - it can make us harder (it did to me); it can make us bitter (see all the men are all bastards/women bitches threads), but ultimately, like a death of a loved one, eventually the pain heals. Two thing to note though: 1) it won't heal if you dwell in it & 2) be careful for the bitterness - it's not a place you want to end up.

Listen - best of luck to you. And feel free to revisit this thread if you'd down or whatever. As i said, we've been there and are only happy to try and help/support.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2009 10:56am

@Zulu. Thanks mate, yeah I know this feeling well though never thought I'd be going through it again. Believe it or not I've posted a fair few times in the past giving advice myself, just never saw myself being the one to start a thread. I haven't become bitter, did that in the past after getting seriously f*cked over and just wasn't me. I've always made a point of approaching each new relationship with a clean sheet, don't carry bad experiences into it, but at the same time try to have learnt from them.

Everyone you met deserves to be judged on their own merits and not those from the past so I won't at least be going down that road. Think as relationships go this will always be the one I regret the most though as I did and do love her still as I know she does me, and what led to its end could have been fixed an awful lot easier than I'd ever imagined. Unfortunately it almost required something as traumatic as what happened for me to realise there was something that needed to be fixed. The only plus I can see coming out of this is that something that had caused me a lot of stress and depression since an accident before I met her has now been finally treated and at least I can enter into any new relationships without any ghosts from the past.

Thanks to all who have posted. I'd just like to also say try not to think of her too harshly, she always was a bit fragile, I knew this and was always very protective of her because of it. She had a beautiful soul, and I think her main fault was she committed everything to me. When her image of me was tarnished it literally destroyed her, and as a result of that me as well.

Fatloss08 · 16-06-2009 11:08am

why are people still giving advice ??????????

he obviously doesnt care

she's a mind fook , and i think op has no confidence or self esteem or back bone to tell this yoke to back thee f uck off

only gonna end in tears

she'll respect you more if you stand up and tell her she had her chance

Zulu · 16-06-2009 11:27am

Thats hardly helpful - plus it's ignorant. Had you bothered to read his posts, you'd know where the ignorance lies.

togster · 16-06-2009 12:23pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks to all who have posted. I'd just like to also say try not to think of her too harshly, she always was a bit fragile, I knew this and was always very protective of her because of it. She had a beautiful soul, and I think her main fault was she committed everything to me. When her image of me was tarnished it literally destroyed her, and as a result of that me as well.

See OP this is the problem. I've been there too recently. met a girl with a beautiful soul as you put it. Tried to save her, from herself and others.

When i "let her down" (not in a major way) she never looked at me the same again. It's tiresome being in a relationship when someone expects so much from you.

You have to know that she will be fine. A relationship break-up should not "destroy" someone. Relying on someone else to fill a gap or make you feel secure/happy will never end well.

I know you love her, but ask yourself this. Is the constant contact good for her? Is it helping her find a balance in her life? I can see you care about her, and if you won't think of yourself, think of her and what she needs right now. Perhaps it is to have to move on. Too much has happened. I have the T-shirt man, but i've stopped wearing it!

Ex back in touch

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