Kids want to live with their dad

LegacyUser

split with kids father 5 years ago and have been going out with new boyfriend over 4 years now and he moving in soon. have three kids 7, 9, 12 and eldest two have say they want to go live with their father cos boyfriend moving in!!! what do i do????? kids have been living with me alone for the last 5 years and gone to stay with there father every second saturday afternoon til sunday evening. their father has told them lots of lies about me and my new boyfriend and said new bf is the reason i left their father which is not the case. he has said he dont want kids near new bf and has transferred these feelings onto kids through guilt enducing comments etc...

ogriofa

Hi, I haven't been in your posiion, but I have been a kid...
Your kids will feel like you chose your boyfriend over them, and they'd be right!

I'd do whatever it took to keep them with you. Easy decision.
Get your priorities straight!!

Is there another way you can ease him in? Staying for weekends or something?

LegacyUser

ogriofa wrote: »

Hi, I haven't been in your posiion

Obviously. Should the OP forgo love, happiness, sex life, a relationship all because her ex lied to the kids?

OP, could you come up with some compromise? There might be other attractions, the older two might be allured to a bit more freedom with their father, you never know. Would the father be happy to be with the kids permanently after all this time on his own?

I hope it works out and he gets over the fact that you are getting on with your life, I hope he grows up and starts thinking of the kids again.

Gone Drinking

Kids come first.

Put off moving your boyfriend into the house until they've warmed to him a bit more. They might never warm to him, in which case, i wouldn't move him in at all.

Ishindar

your x is out of order here big time. so therefore i would ask him to rectify his misendevour ASAP and any further badmouthing etc may result in you playing hardball in the courts. after all u need to protect your kids from bad influences.

Pherekydes

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Kids come first.

Put off moving your boyfriend into the house until they've warmed to him a bit more. They might never warm to him, in which case, i wouldn't move him in at all.

I agree with this. Your kids need to feel comfortable around your new bf. They need to see for themselves that what your ex is saying about him is lies. You need to take it slowly and carefully.

Cabbage Brained

You have a duty to provide for your kids and ensure that they live in a safe home, but you do NOT have a duty to be unhappy or single for your kids. If their problem with your boyfriend is irrational, well then that is their problem. Let them live with their Dad for a while until they see sense. They are kids and have to live by your rules; of course you have to sacrifice a lot for your children, but you do NOT have to sacrifice your happiness.

If you are committed to this guy and in a long term stable relationship, as it seems you are, then you are completely entitled for him to move in with you and your kids.

If your husband continues with the lies and continues to poison your kids against you and your partner, then I would contact some sort of relevant authorities, because this is mental abuse and really is not fair on your kids.

Taltos

Not a nice choice

but here is what I see you have in front of you.

1. Stay as is; do what your 9 & 12 yr olds want you to do. Wait for all your kids to move out of home when they are in their 20s and try again; you partner might hang around.
2. Move him in; your kids move to your ex. Feel that you have chosen partner over them. Something that may scar them but will scar you with feelings of guilt and may ultimately spell end of the relationship
3. Talk to them - find out what their fears are; why are they so against this. Reaffirm your love and committment to them - but if they love you as much as you love them - they should want to see you happy.

I would go the route of 3 - though depending on the situation I might want to involve a third party / mediator - possibly even a professional.
As it is they are hearing tales from their Dad - and that is NOT responsible or adult; and being kids they cannot yet process or fully understand everything going on.

I would not give up though.
Do you really want to left alone when they all move out wondering what could have been.

Be strong and show your love - and if necessary get a counsellor to help you find the best arrangement for you all.
While your kids deserve to be happy and loved - so do you - unless of course your choice of partner is dangerous if you get my drift. Be aware they might have a very valid reason apart from your ex not to like this guy - be prepared to hear it and to listen to them. Do not react or blame - but listen and really hear what they are saying.

ogriofa

Taltos wrote: »

Not a nice choice

but here is what I see you have in front of you.

1. Stay as is; do what your 9 & 12 yr olds want you to do. Wait for all your kids to move out of home when they are in their 20s and try again; you partner might hang around.
2. Move him in; your kids move to your ex. Feel that you have chosen partner over them. Something that may scar them but will scar you with feelings of guilt and may ultimately spell end of the relationship
3. Talk to them - find out what their fears are; why are they so against this. Reaffirm your love and committment to them - but if they love you as much as you love them - they should want to see you happy.

I would go the route of 3 - though depending on the situation I might want to involve a third party / mediator - possibly even a professional.
As it is they are hearing tales from their Dad - and that is NOT responsible or adult; and being kids they cannot yet process or fully understand everything going on.

I would not give up though.
Do you really want to left alone when they all move out wondering what could have been.

Be strong and show your love - and if necessary get a counsellor to help you find the best arrangement for you all.
While your kids deserve to be happy and loved - so do you - unless of course your choice of partner is dangerous if you get my drift. Be aware they might have a very valid reason apart from your ex not to like this guy - be prepared to hear it and to listen to them. Do not react or blame - but listen and really hear what they are saying.

I think this is very good advice - considering we only have your post to go by, but this seems spot on to me!

LegacyUser

ogriofa wrote: »

Is there another way you can ease him in? Staying for weekends or something?

ugh whatever you do, dont do that!!

My mam did this to us and we were so pissed off. We kept saying just admit hes moving in and she was like oh hes not moving in ... Kids arent stupid, don't treat them like they are.

Oh and my brother and I both moved out when were were 18, my mams still home with her horrible boyfriend (wonder if hes "moved in" yet?) wondering why we dont call to see her as often as she'd like.

I do agree if you move him in you're choosing him over your kids by the way, sorry to be harsh but its true.

Bottle_of_Smoke

He only see's his kids every second Saturday? If that's due to you not allowing him more contact I don't blame him for lying to them.

If not then reason with him. Explain the kids are best off seeing both parents and its for their own good that they get on with your partner.

PirateShampoo

Put ur foot down with the kids, let the boyfriend move in and tell them there not moving in with the Father.

If you dont, and the bf doesnt move in the kids will blackmail you with "i want to live with daddy" everytime they want something.

LegacyUser

The kids' father is perfectly entitled to not want his children share a house with a strange man.

A 12 year-old child is not going to be too happy about staying in a house where some "other" man is riding his/her mother.

The children are at a delicate stage and one must be very careful about affecting them in these formative years.

Let the children move out and live with their dad.

tbh

kids will get used to it. I was in your kids position. Of course they don't want the bf moving in, it's not what they are used to. Tell them they don't have a choice, and it'll be grand in six months.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

A 12 year-old child is not going to be too happy about staying in a house where some "other" man is riding his/her mother.


.

I dont know of any 12 year old (or adult for that matter) that are happy with the thoughts of their mother "riding" (as you so eloquently put it) anyone, at anytime in any house.

Taltos

tbh wrote: »

kids will get used to it. I was in your kids position. Of course they don't want the bf moving in, it's not what they are used to. Tell them they don't have a choice, and it'll be grand in six months.

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Put ur foot down with the kids, let the boyfriend move in and tell them there not moving in with the Father.

If you dont, and the bf doesnt move in the kids will blackmail you with "i want to live with daddy" everytime they want something.

Both of these are spot on here.
But to lessen the impact to your kids talk to them - let them know that just because OH is moving in does not take away from your love for them.
At the end of the day though they are kids and you are the adult so you have the responsibility to tell them what to do - even when they don't like it.
Unfort you have a rotten ex in the mix - that is why I was suggesting easing this in - using mediation or something. Basically allowing your kids to feel they have been heard. As young as they are they cannot remember whatever it was like before. I think if handled properly and the home is a loving one - with "firm" guidelines for behaviour - that this can turn into a win-win for you - you just might have some pain first.

You know the convers - OH is not your daddy - but I do love him and I need you all to show him the same respect you show me, bla bla bla

If you go this route - they are less likely to demand to live with their Dad - but even if they do - would that be really such a bad thing? Allowing them to live with their Dad and building a friendship with him? Scary yes - but if it leads to happiness in the long-run...

There is a small chance here - they are repeating back what they have been told to say - ie the EX is still trying to control your life. Some idiots use kids like that - see them as extensions / tools and do not realise what they are sacrificing by using their own children like this.

OS119

tbh wrote: »

kids will get used to it. I was in your kids position. Of course they don't want the bf moving in, it's not what they are used to. Tell them they don't have a choice, and it'll be grand in six months.

thats fine, except that they do have a choice - and daddy will waste no time in making sure they know it.

if you play hard ball, so will he - and unless there's something very wrong with him as soon as a court hears your elder kids say they want to live with daddy and not mummy and her homewrecking (as far as they are concerned, and thats the only veiw that matters) boyfriend, then you can kiss them goodbye.

if your kids don't like your boyfriend - for whatever reason - then you're on a hiding to nothing. unlucky, but thats the price of being the one who 'gets the kids'.

tbh

OS119 wrote: »

thats fine, except that they do have a choice - and daddy will waste no time in making sure they know it.

until they are 18, they do what their mammy tells them Courts know what kids are like, and they are not going to remove anyones' kids unless there's a clear and present danger. Otherwise judges would be pulled off the golf course every time a child with separated parents wasn't allowed watch spongebob.

LegacyUser

I know it doesnt seem fair..but as someone who can relate, i would ahve said the same as the kids i.e live with father.

You can do what you want...such as invite b.f to move in
But- kids should also be allowed do as they want.

Whilst you may want both ways (kids & bf), you have to accept the fact that the kids are entitled to do as they wish. you cannot force them to live with someone they prefer not to. TBH i think its actually kind of selfish on your part...purely because i can relate to the kids and theres nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your parents move on. To have this reminder forced upon you every day with a new partners presence is not enjoyable. If going to live with their father is their preferred situation, so be it. You have to accept the consequences of your choice.

as a young adult, i know i would have left home in that situation. Its very difficult for kids to accept 'new' people who they think may be a threat to an existing parent such as the father..

i know people wont agree but kids are loyal to their own blood...and its tough dealing with a broken home

treat the bad mouthing as a separate issue

Think of the future also...dont force anything on your kids that they may remember and resent you for...

Kimia

Unregister88 wrote: »

You can do what you want...such as invite b.f to move in
But- kids should also be allowed do as they want.

you have to accept the fact that the kids are entitled to do as they wish.

You have to accept the consequences of your choice. ...

What a ridiculous, insane post. Don't listen to this crap OP. I can't believe this poster is saying that kids have the right to do whatever they want. What a load of bullsh*t.

I have been in this situation as the kid. My sister was the same, giving my mom a hard time etc when she met her new (now husband) bf.

It takes time that's all. Although why do you call him your new bf if he's with you 4 years? That stuck out to me.

Ease him in. It will of course be very strange for your kids to see your bf move in, they may feel disloyal to their father, who seems to be stirring things up himself.

Talk to them. Assure them that they're your number one priority but that *** (whatever his name is) also makes you happy. Do things together, even if it's just movies and a takeaway. Normalise the bf into your current situation.

I wouldn't go down the line of 'Right kids he's moving in and that's that'. I would talk to them and say that it's something you're considering. If they throw tantrums ignore it. And have a word with your ex - tell him back off telling the kids that because it will come back and bite him in the ar*e when they're older and know they've been manipulated.

Splendour

tbh wrote: »

until they are 18, they do what their mammy tells them Courts know what kids are like, and they are not going to remove anyones' kids unless there's a clear and present danger. Otherwise judges would be pulled off the golf course every time a child with separated parents wasn't allowed watch spongebob.

Unfortunately kids don't have to do what their mammy tells them. My ex went for custody of both our children and the courts left one kid with their Dad and one with me on an interim arrangement. This 'interim' arrangement went on so long that my son got well settled down in his Dad's and at the age of 13 his Dad brought him into court where he my son) stated he wanted to stay put. (Funny actually, the Dad is living with someone and I'm not)

OP, it is a difficult situation for you, and I understand only too well about the bad mouthing from your ex. It can be extremely difficult to counteract this. I don't even try, but yet I wonder if I'd told my kids some 'home truths' about their Dad would it have made a difference.

Is this man moving in with you an absolute necessity? I appreciate you love him and want to set up home together but I also appreciate where your kids are at. You could as has been suggested, talk to your children and see what their fears are and exactly why they don't like him. I'm not from a separated family myself but I imagine I would absolutely hate my mother bringing another man into the house. It could also happen with your ex if they moved in with him,he could at some stage want someone to move in with him. You could maybe point this out to your 12 year old but the others are probably too young.

Now I absolutely hate people saying the 'if I were you' line but I'm gonna do it anyway... If I were you, I'd put my kids above any man-for the next few years at least. After my separation I went out with a guy for a couple of years (we didn't live together). Around this time I'd been thinking about moving house. ( I live in an area where my kids have no pals at all & thought it'd be good for them to have local friends).However because of my relationship with this man and me stupidly thinking we'd get married, I put off moving house. This man is now well gone (getting married to some other gal) and I missed the boat for moving. In my case though the kids really liked this guy.
Now I'm not suggesting your man is gonna leave but it can happen. If you guys love each other enough, you can surely wait. Your kids are just that kids who are vunerable and need to be protected as much as possible. I also think kids don't mind so much if Dad has a partner but think it's different with their Mom.

Sorry about the ramble and probably not much help but just my thoughts on the situation...

LegacyUser

Does their father actually want them living with him full-time? That would be a pretty big change from one weekend a fortnight. Does he work full-time, where do the kids currently go after school, does he currently ever take them to doctor's/dentist's appointments, after-school activities, sports etc?

The thing to avoid would be the kids getting the impression that they are not wanted in either place, eg., Dad doesn't have time for them and mum is too busy with her new boyfriend. But I think they can get used to the idea if you talk to them properly. Sit them down and ask them about their worries, eg., "tell me about how you think things might be different for you when X moves in? Are you worried about us not being able to do <whatever> together anymore?"

Reassurance will go a long way - as long as you take their concerns seriously in the first place and give them serious answers.

neuro-praxis

Unregister88 wrote: »

But- kids should also be allowed do as they want.

...you have to accept the fact that the kids are entitled to do as they wish. you cannot force them to live with someone they prefer not to.

! Kids should not be allowed to do as they want. That's something reserved for adults. Kids do what Mum thinks is best, and that's the end of it.

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote: »

! Kids should not be allowed to do as they want. That's something reserved for adults. Kids do what Mum thinks is best, and that's the end of it.

The sexism is rife on this thread. If the kids want to live with their Dad, should they not have that choice? If that's what the kids really want, would it be wise to stop them? Why is it that whatever Mum says is the be all and end all. Why stop them? Is he a bad dad OP?

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

TIf the kids want to live with their Dad, should they not have that choice?

reminder: 7, 9, 12.

Would you trust them with any other big decisions perhaps?

This is nothing to do with the fact that they live with their mam. Mam, dad it's irrelevant. If you let a 12-year old dictate terms, you're screwed forever.

edit: to re-iterate, all my comments on this thread are made with the following assumptions:

* the mam is sound enough

* the bf is a nice guy

* the dad doesn't want the mam, or the kids, but feels put out that they are moving on

*The kids are protesting more so because they want to maintain the status quo (they are kids, after all)

Kimia

Unregistered wrote: »

The sexism is rife on this thread. If the kids want to live with their Dad, should they not have that choice? If that's what the kids really want, would it be wise to stop them? Why is it that whatever Mum says is the be all and end all. Why stop them? Is he a bad dad OP?

Oh ffs, it's not sexism it's common sense. Look up sexism in the dictionary please.

I'll all for dad's having equal rights, but this is ridiculous. He's obviously not showing himself in the best light either, if he's just trying to turn the kids against her.

JJJJNR

I think this is a terrible situation to be in, I wouldnt fancy being on any side of this.

I feel sorry for all involved its some head wreck..

Sounds like they are resisting for a reason... Does sound a bit one sided with the whole "we're together 4 years etc I'm divorced 5". Ex is a liar etc. The Kids would be used to the bf if you were together that long I think, the 12 year old would have been 8 years old so plenty of time to adjust to a new face etc unless you didnt tell the kids about the BF up till recently which is exactly what it sounds like..

If that is the case well then I think I'd want to move in with dad also... !

Also Im not condemning anyone here but it might be worth putting a date (like six months) to when your BF is going to move in, as that would soften the blow compared to being told he's moving in next week etc.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

............... He's obviously not showing himself in the best light either, if he's just trying to turn the kids against her.

That is, of course, what his ex-wife is telling us.

Any father should be concerned about a strange man moving in to live with his children.
Will this strange man be involved in rearing his children? Feeding them? Educating them? Disciplining them? Or, God forbid, bathing them?

OP needs to stand back and see how many people are affected by whatever decision she makes.

Kimia

True. I have the same assumptions as TBH though and that's where that came from.

Of course we don't know the full story. I wouldn't call him a 'strange man' after 4 years though, unless the children have only recently met him?

Kimia

And leave out the 'god forbit, bathing them' bit. That's insane. The kids are old enough to bathe themselves except maybe the 7 year old. That's just giving it a whole other level of creepiness unnecessarily.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Oh ffs, it's not sexism it's common sense. Look up sexism in the dictionary please.

Done and done:

Sexism,

attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles.

It's clear that your opinion that automatically the kids are best placed with their mother is influenced by a commonly held gender based stereotype. You've also dismissed the Dad as just trying to get the kids because he is put out that the mother is moving on and you haven't for a second considered that maybe he really does want to live with the kids. Your attitudes are the very definition of sexism.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Done and done:

Sexism,

attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles.

It's clear that your opinion that automatically the kids are best placed with their mother is influenced by a commonly held gender based stereotype. You've also dismissed the Dad as just trying to get the kids because he is put out that the mother is moving on and you haven't for a second considered that maybe he really does want to live with the kids. Your attitudes are the very definition of sexism.

Well said.

I'm shocked that so many are so quick to dismiss the dad as a prick.

tbh

Kimia wrote: »

And leave out the 'god forbit, bathing them' bit. That's insane. The kids are old enough to bathe themselves except maybe the 7 year old. That's just giving it a whole other level of creepiness unnecessarily.

that reflects more on the person who posted it than anything else. If the poster feels that a man bathing a child who his not his own is only doing it for a sexual reason, that raises ALL KINDS of questions about that posters field of experience.

It's a disgusting, lazy, ignorant comment to make.

Kimia

When did I ever say that the dad was a 'prick' and that he wasn't allowed to take the kids. All I said was that KIDS should not be ones to make that decision.

I also said that I have answered based on certain assumptions which are in TBH's post if you bothered to look at anything before getting your high horse.

I also said that I have been in this situation as the kid, and that I can answer from that point of view (it'll take time, ease him in etc) and I am in no way a sexist.

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

split with kids father 5 years ago and have been going out with new boyfriend over 4 years now and he moving in soon. have three kids 7, 9, 12 and eldest two have say they want to go live with their father cos boyfriend moving in!!! what do i do????? kids have been living with me alone for the last 5 years and gone to stay with there father every second saturday afternoon til sunday evening. their father has told them lots of lies about me and my new boyfriend and said new bf is the reason i left their father which is not the case. he has said he dont want kids near new bf and has transferred these feelings onto kids through guilt enducing comments etc...

Uhm.. Believe me. When your divorced parents bring in new spouses to the situation, they don't need anyone from the other camp to tell them to feel really awkward about it. I mean just think about it. What does a divorce-kid really want? His/Her parents back together. And you've just gone and taken that little hope-nugget and shoved it down the toilet as far as an adolescent is to be concerned. They want things to go back to the way they were, not be dragged through your new relationship. Theyre not dumb. It makes sense they would want to move into their Dads because frankly he is now offering a much more familiar environment for them at the moment.

It has nothing to do with child brainwashing. Its just really quite simple. You bring a strange man into the home and tell the kids this is your new replacement for daddy (I dont care how you word it - your kids arent stupid) and wtf do you expect?

They have every right to go live with their father. And like it or not, its their choice. Its in fact the first thing they get to decide for themselves when a Divorce happens (excluding extreme circumstances).

What can you do about it? Make the transition as smooth as possible. Do not turn this into something its not. And do not do or say anything that will alienate your children. Particularly, bad mouthing your ex. Again, Kids are not fickle. They hold each of their parents in high regard. And you talking bad about the other simply makes them resent you.

tbh

wtf do you expect when you tell your kids you have to move house?
wtf do you expect when you tell your kids they have to change school?
wtf do you expect when you tell your kids the dog they loved had to go to live in the country?
wtf do you expect when tell your kids they can't get a pony from santy?

you expect them to whinge for a bit, then you expect them to get used to it. It's called a Life Lesson.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

just wondering, are both these posts written by the same person?

Because, if the person who defined sexism is the same person who wondered if the mothers boyfriend will be..."god forbid"..bathing the children...you need to seriously look at your attitude.

They're not by the same person.

Kimia

Overheal wrote: »

And do not do or say anything that will alienate your children. Particularly, bad mouthing your ex. Again, Kids are not fickle. They hold each of their parents in high regard. And you talking bad about the other simply makes them resent you.

Hello?? the OP said that the father is bad mouthing HER to the kids.

And what happens if the dad gets a new girlfriend? The kids are entitled to move back to the mom's? Oh wait..

Do you think the man should put his life on hold too? I think that their relationship broke up, they have kids, they are the priority yes. But THAT DOES NOT MEAN that they should stay at home all the time, make no new friends, go out with noone new, etc, for the sake of the kids. That's ridiculous and very unfair, and to be honest, as a child of divorced parents, I wouldn't wish that on my mum or dad. They deserve to be happy.

IIMII

tbh wrote: »

until they are 18, they do what their mammy tells them

Not quite true, they aren't prisoners. Kids are only governed by a parents wishes as long as they allow themselves to be governed. When a child goes on strike on a matter of principle to them, they can be very obstinate. To be honest, if I was in this situation where I was going to have a new live in partner, I'd open up the child sharing arrangements completely and allow the kids to come and go as they pleased. For one thing, it would give the OP more space to develope her relationship with her new partner, and secondly and more importantly it would give the kids space to deal with it without being forced into the same confined space as the new partner in a claustraphobic manner. Think you need the help of the daddy on this one OP, you can't move on without his support and in a strange way the best way not to have him undermining your relationship with your new partner may be to let him see that the new relationshiop may be beneficial to him as well in terms of the extra time he may have with the kids too

Nevyn

Overheal wrote: »

They have every right to go live with their father. And like it or not, its their choice. Its in fact the first thing they get to decide for themselves when a Divorce happens (excluding extreme circumstances).

Not in this country overheal.

flas

why should the kids automatically go with the mother,father has as much right to have his kids live with him...

dlofnep

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Having your boyfriend live with you while the kids are there is going to destroy the emotionally.

You don't seem to care about your children, and if you do - you care about your boyfriend a whole lot more. They don't want him there - so either respect your children's wishes until they warm more to your new BF - or let them live with their dad.

tbh

dlofnep wrote: »

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Having your boyfriend live with you while the kids are there is going to destroy the emotionally.

you know this for a fact, do you?

My parents split up when I was 12. My mam's partner moved in some years later. I didn't want him to. I'm grand, emotionally, btw. My mams attitude was "it'd be easier if you went along with it, but it's happening either way". Spot on, I feel.

You don't seem to care about your children, and if you do - you care about your boyfriend a whole lot more. They don't want him there - so either respect your children's wishes until they warm more to your new BF - or let them live with their dad.

let me guess -you don't have kids, right? btw - she's been with the bf 4 years. Hardly new, agreed?

Nevyn

Do I think that parents should put their lives on hold completely for their kids? No.
Do I think that the utmost should be done to make the transition as smooth as possible? Yes.
Do I think the Op should delay? Yes
Do I think that the children should be split up between homes? No
Do I think the father of the children is acting out to his own issues? Yes.
Do I think what is he doing is unfair? Yes
Do I think that both parents should have tired to sit down like adults and talking about this matter before the children were put in the middle? Yes.

Op I suggest you take the time to read as much as you can on blended families
and encourage your partner to do the same.

http://www.blendedfamilyresourcecenter.com/
http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

IIMII

sunflower27 wrote: »

they probably want mummy and daddy living together but that isnt going to happen either.

Call me Shrek but I like people coming for visits, but I like to see them go. Having a foreign object landed into the (single parent) family can be a real bone of contention (imagine if your kids decided unilaterally to move their own boy/girlfriends in!). Might be great for mammy, but the to the kids it could be an invasion of their space
Simple things, you are a girl and you get up to go to the toilet, yer man has left the seat up or left his underwear on the land, I dunno.
Never, mind the mammy and daddy bit, kids value their space too

IIMII

Thaedydal wrote: »

Do I think that the children should be split up between homes? No

That's not a big deal, loads of kids do that and it is grand. The kid's friends travel between homes, it's no big deal. They live in both communites, nothing difficult there.

Big probs tend to be focus around the grown ups and the rows

Nevyn

By split up I didn't mean joint custody I mean 1 or 2 of the children having a different primary home.

Overheal

Kimia wrote: »

Hello?? the OP said that the father is bad mouthing HER to the kids.

Whats her proof? Every divorcee assumes defacto their ex is badmouthing them. I take the OPs exclaimation with a grain of salt.

And what happens if the dad gets a new girlfriend? The kids are entitled to move back to the mom's? Oh wait..

They would be.

Do you think the man should put his life on hold too? I think that their relationship broke up, they have kids, they are the priority yes. But THAT DOES NOT MEAN that they should stay at home all the time, make no new friends, go out with noone new, etc, for the sake of the kids. That's ridiculous and very unfair, and to be honest, as a child of divorced parents, I wouldn't wish that on my mum or dad. They deserve to be happy.

That would be entirely up to him. I offered the child's PoV. I never said anybody has to put their life on hold. The only thing I did say was the kids have some right to choose with which parent they want to spend time with. (Well, not in Ireland I guess. Thx Thaed. But Irish divorcees I've known have typically given their kids the choice regardless).

Please don't put words in my mouth.

LegacyUser

There is always two sides to every story. I’ve seen this going on my self where my ex gf thinks I am totally against her and her happiness. She is married now and I've nothing against her husband or herself. I think people can loose all sight in these situations. The children do come first. Not your b/f.
Maybe you should try and TALK to your ex. You might be able to resolve this.

Amazotheamazing

Lot of bad advice on this thread, imo.

The kids in question are old enough to decide who they want to live with. The OP mightn't believe that, or respect their decision, but a Court will.

It's outrageous that the kids see so little of their father, and considering he's made it clear they can live with him, we have to ask why is he seeing so little of them now? Does he want to see more of his children than he does at present? If he does, why is he being prevented from doing so?

My youngest daughter is 16...my partner in life and myself have decided that we will move in together when she is 18 and in college ..it just wouldn't be fair on either party to do it at the moment..even though my daughter likes him his is not her father and its her home as well as mine.. im lucky that my daughter is at the age she is, so it wont be long until she is an adult and doing her own thing

i think there a window of opportunity about these thing...its interesting that your youngest child isn't looking to move in with there dad...children under 6 seem to be more flexible and adaptall about this sort of situation.

i get on fairly OK with my ex most of the time iv had the badmouthing me as well nothing nasty mostly putting me down the same as when we were together all you can do is ignore it.... children grow up and then there not so influenced by what one parent says about another.

your going to put your relationship with your bf under a lot of pressure if he move in..he is moving in with a woman who has 3 children who are not his it will trow up lots of issues ...for example discipline no 12 is going to listing to a man who isn't there father ( espeshly if its a boy ) different parenting styles etc