Should I bring her to her dad's funeral?

LegacyUser

im lost on this one, somone please provide me with advise.

I have a 13yr old daughter who's father left when I was pregnant. Despite attempts on my part, to get him to see her, he never did. He lives local though so I would have seen him around the village and he ignored me/us for practically the past 13yrs.
My daughter has no contact with his family either - he didn't have a good relationship with them himself.
So my daughter knows very little of him - other than he's her biological father, but that she has a step-dad (I married when she was 5) who she adores.

So recently I had heard he was ill. I don't ask after him, but I'd heard someone chatting in the local shop about him (he has an unusual surname). I wasn't sure how ill until I was told yesterday that he has weeks/maybe days to live.

There will obviously be a funeral and I don't know what to do. This man has obviously known he was going to die for some time and yet has STILL not shown an interest in his daughter (I thought people want to sort out their past when they're dying?) so he hasn't changed since I knew him. Still a selfish, sad man.

So do I tell my daughter when he dies? Do I bring her to the funeral? Or do I leave it and tell her when she's older.

I am completly all over the place - on the one hand, yes I know he's her father and she has a 'right' to say goodbye to him (even though she's never said 'hello') but on the other I'm wondering WHY would I put this grief upon her? Why would I make her go through the emotion of 'My daddy has died' when she's never even known her daddy?

If I tell her how ill he is and bring her to the funeral, she'll tell her friends that her dad has just died, the school will become involved (they have support groups for kids when they go through bereavement) but she's never known him, so she won't be 'going-through' bereavement??? And yet he's still her father. Am I making any sense?
What would you do? and please keep in mind that she's also 13..and has all the hormones to prove it!

goodmum

I woudln't bring her, but that's just me.
I don't see why you should be left to 'pick up the pieces' when he's gone when you've spent 13yrs raising her with no input from him. However, I'm biased because am in a similar position myself except my ex isn't ill.
Having said that, you will have to tell her at some point in her life...god, that's an awful situation.

Xiney

I can remember what I was like at 13. All in all, at 13 I know I would have appreciated making the decision for myself, because I was "grown up".



If I read your post correctly, her biological father is only gravely ill, not dead yet. I would ask him (possibly through family) one more time, if he would like to see his daughter. If he says no, don't mention it to your daughter. If he says yes, ask your daughter if she would like to see him. Explain that it will not be a happy visit, and it might be scary.

If she says yes, then bring her to see him.

If he dies, ask her if she would like to go to the funeral. No pressure. Explain that the family may be cold towards her (especially if she was not wanted at the hospital)

This way, whatever happens, you have let her make her own decision for the most part. She will respect you for that, and she won't be back here in 10 years making a PI thread saying "I wasn't allowed to go to my dad's funeral... it's still bothering me"

Davidth88

I am with Xiney on this , speak to your daughter and ask her how she feels about this.

LegacyUser

OP here
Yes he's gravely ill. I heard it second hand but I had it confirmed this morning. He has 3 weeks max and is at home with hospice care.

He obviously doesn't want to see her. Why would I contact him again? He has known about this for one year and it was a terminal diagosis from the start. He had no chemo etc because it had gone too far (its cancer). So he has known about this for a year and he has never tried to contact her.

But my biggest fear is of course, like you said...that she'll be here in 10 years saying 'My mam didn't tell me my dad died and now I'm insane' or something similar..

I am very, very angry at this man. The anger from 13years ago wasn't this bad. I am so angry that I have to make this decision and that my daughter, either way, will be affected by his death...

Xiney

Your daughter isn't going to be insane! Don't worry about that

If you're sure he won't want to see her then there's no point in asking I suppose.

I'd still tell her that he has died, and see how she reacts. If she asks to go to the funeral, then tell her you'll go with her and she can leave if she feels uncomfortable at any time.

ManOfMystery

Don't let your anger cloud your judgment. The only person who's opinion should matter in this is your daughter's.

Explain things to her, and leave it with her to think about - the decision is in her hands, no pressure at all. 13 is young, but it's not that young that she can't grasp the severity of the situation and make a decision.

LegacyUser

Thank you.

I just hate the way she is going to be left with the legacy of 'My dad died when I was 13' even though he has never been a dad to her.

I'm afraid to tell her that he's ill because she might ask if she can go and see him and like I said, he hasn't contacted her so if I was to contact him and ask could she visit (on his deathbed) and he said no.....

The first few years of my daughters life were tough to say the least (single, no support, no money, no job etc etc) - I was the typical lone parent (and I hate that phrase!).

but things changed when I met hubby and we now have a wonderful life, we really do. Even though it was so tough at the start, I must have been doing something right because she is a very good kid (even though I say so myself!) and has always been.

And now this...I thought we were past the whole 'daddy' thing and the emotions she felt when she was younger....I really did....She's starting secondary in september and is already anxious about that...

Xiney

Your daughter's real dad isn't dying.

This guy is really nothing more than a sperm donor.

badolepuddytat

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Don't let your anger cloud your judgment. The only person who's opinion should matter in this is your daughter's.

Explain things to her, and leave it with her to think about - the decision is in her hands, no pressure at all. 13 is young, but it's not that young that she can't grasp the severity of the situation and make a decision.

+1
I take it that your daughter knows that he is her father? If you're in a small village she may have heard already and be afraid of upsetting you by asking to make contact with him. Just a thought, maybe off the wall but I definitely think you should be honest and open with her as this is an important part of her life, regardless as his failings to you and her when she needed a father figure. Best of luck op.

Minxie123

God that's a tough one. Personally I would tell her what's going on an let her decide whether she wants to go to the funeral or not. I know she's still very young but at 13 you'd be probably be surprised at how much she can process. I know you don't think she will be grieving but I don't agree with that. She will need to grieve for the father she never had and the father that she never will have and she is entitled to that. I think if you don't tell her about this and she finds out at a later stage that you knew and didn't say anything you'll have a whole heap of trouble on your hands. I can understand that you are reluctant to put her through all of this but I really don't think you should keep all of this from her.

If it were me, I would go and talk to him first.
Just in case he hasn't contacted because he rightly felt that he hadn't a right to look for support from you two. If that went well.
Then I would ask her what she wants to do about talking to him before he dies.

Barracudaincork

She should know that he doesnt want to know her, its not your fault but at least your being honest and showing him for exactly what he is. I know you are trying to protect her from feeling hurt by this, but she has her step-dad in her life, you cant make excuses up for her real Dads behaviour, it wont protect her in the long run. Im sure you always tell her that honesty is the best policy.

I think the hardest part will be dealing with how she feels about how she is supposed to feel, if she feels bad for not feeling sad or not caring as she never knew the person etc that may be harder for her to deal with or understand. Talk to her about it all.

**Timbuk2**

Contact the father first and ask if he wants to see his daughter.

Only tell your daughter if he says yes, because if you told your daughter that her father is dying but he doesn't want to see you, she would feel rejected.

If you do tell her, she probably won't know how to react. She probably won't be that sad herself, but she won't know what to say to you as she might think that you are sad.

the_syco

Xiney wrote: »

Your daughter's real dad isn't dying.

This guy is really nothing more than a sperm donor.

Agreed 100%

OP, from your post, the dude was never a father to her. She never knew about him. So why bring it up now? So he can deny her? So she gets her head f**ked up because the sperm donor never wanted to see her? So that it may affect her relationship with men on a subconcious level for the rest of her life?

F**k that. She's better off not knowing him.

tbh

OP, you have the make the right call on this because obviously you can't change your actions after the guy has died. There are two issues here as I see them:

1. Should you get in contact?
Absolutely you should. You should contact her father on the off-chance that he's ashamed of the way he treated his daughter and doesn't think she'd want anything to do with him. You don't owe this man anything, but I think your daughter would appreciate your courage in years to come, if you give her a chance to meet him. If you talk to him and he's not bothered, then don't say anything to your daughter.

What you are trying to anticipate here is, 20 years down the line, your daughter finds out what happened and asks you why you didn't give her the chance to talk to her father while she still could. If you can say that you called him and he didn't want to meet her, it'll be easier for her to understand.

2. The funeral
If your daughter has no contact with her father, then I wouldn't subject her to the funeral. Too many people from his family who will obviously see her as a part of him, and may put pressure on her to have contact with them. I'd sit her down about a week afterwards, tell her he's died and ask her if she wants to visit his grave with you. Allow her to say her goodbye in private, if she wants to.

CDfm

Im with tbh but I would go and I would bring her or give her the option of going. I think it would be a good thing for her as in the future she would know that he is dead and gone etc. It would also show her you mean no ill will and if you are going anyway she will too as she will know you dont think its wrong or that you and your partner would not be offended that she attends. I hope you get what I am trying to say.

Funerals are for the living and not for the dead and he has relatives brothers,sisters, parents still alive etc who in time your daughter may be in contact with.

Your daughter is a kid and does not need to know whatever crap you went thru with her Dad but may need to know who he was etc. She had her confirmation last year etc and who knows what goes thru little girls minds.She may have questions for you and of course a bit of sugar coating is appropriate sometimes. This is one of those times.

On the school counselling etc -you are the parent -they cant do this stuff without your permission as thats your job.

Its better that you handle this thing with her in a way that you have it under control.

I know some wont agree but thats what I think.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

He obviously doesn't want to see her.

Can we be certain of that? If he is ill and worried or depressed, he might be thinking that you won't want to know.

He might have 3 weeks, but he might have much less. Perhaps you might contact your local doctor or clergy and ask them would it be worth your while.

Barracudaincork

I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

I really urge you to talk to her about this and be honest, it may be hard but being honest will help in the long run.

LegacyUser

OP i have a daughter who is the same age as yours and her father has seen her about 15 times in the last 13yrs despite the fact we had been married 2 yrs before we split she was only a few months old at the time. He had an accident a few years ago and I understood from talking to others that he was on deaths door, at no stage did he or his family get in contact but I do recall the feeling of what to do, or more importantly what to do in the best interest of my daughter. Her Dad sends her cards at xmas and birthdays usually but will ignore her if he meets her on the street.

Personally speaking I would not subject my daughter to contacting him before he dies to let him know there was no ill feeling, bloody hell there is alot of ill feeling on my account given the way he has treated our daughter, the innocent on in all this. Consider if it was the other way around and god forbid your daughter was sick do you think he or his family would come to her bedside, I guess not, if someone is that selfish there is just no changing them. Again if you were not living in the same town as him and didn't know about his situation there is nothing you could do about it, it is more the circumstances you've found yourself in that means you have to make the call.

You know your daughter best, does she talk about him, ever? If not then I would write her a letter setting out exactly your fears and worries and your reason for not letting her know that this was going on in her life and keep it somewhere safely for her until she asks about him, be it in a month or a few years time. Personally I wouldn't attend my ex-h funeral, it would be just hypocritial and of course if your daughter goes you need to be there to support her. Again be careful that his family might see her as being able to hold onto a bit of him, does she really need the upset, I for one would not put or allow my daughter to go through it especially given 13 years have past.

Good luck to you and your daughter whatever you decide.

I

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection!

tbh

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

I really urge you to talk to her about this and be honest, it may be hard but being honest will help in the long run.

I think that's fair enough if the guy just dropped dead out of the blue, but the fact that the mother knows he's dying complicates things. She's making a decision on behalf of her daughter that could affect her daughter for years to come. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.

I think the OP has the right to come to whatever decision she thinks is best for her daughter, and to be honest I'd back her whatever she did. But again, with one eye on the future, she needs to be able to explain to her daughter that she didn't just cut the father out because of the OP 's personal feelings toward him (whether those feelings are justified or not will be irrelevant to the OP's daughter, I would imagine).

gillo_100

I know its slightly off topic to the issue you are worried about and I also know little about the area but the issue of inheritance occured to me.

Considering the amount of contact the father may not want to leave anything, nor may you want him leaving anything, to your daughter.
However since he is dying at a young age he may not have will and afaik inheritance would default to closest next of kin, i.e. daughter. Its just something you may want to consider and get advice on.

In terms of whether or not to tell her in my opinion I would, at 13 she is old enough to fully understand the situation and make her own decisions, with your support.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection!

I didnt say she would get used to rejection, i said she wont be any more rejected there is a difference.

Barracudaincork

tbh wrote: »

I think that's fair enough if the guy just dropped dead out of the blue, but the fact that the mother knows he's dying complicates things. She's making a decision on behalf of her daughter that could affect her daughter for years to come. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.
quote]

She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.

CDfm

Victor wrote: »

Perhaps you might contact your local doctor or clergy and ask them would it be worth your while.

Very practical idea

Barracudaincork wrote: »

tbh wrote: »

I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.
quote]

She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.

This is sensible to.

Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection

You say she is happy and now say she has OCD. Whatever it is you think yourself its the right and ethical thing to make some type of contact deep down inside or you wouldnt have posted. You dont want her to have other issues.

Also you know that to make a drama out of it would be wrong.

Weighing up what you have seen posted so far what is your instinct and inclination.

tbh

Barracudaincork wrote: »

She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.

yeah but if her dad was alive, she could make contact. Once he's dead, that option is gone forever.

LegacyUser

You say she is happy and now say she has OCD. Whatever it is you think yourself its the right and ethical thing to make some type of contact deep down inside or you wouldnt have posted. You dont want her to have other issues.

Also you know that to make a drama out of it would be wrong.

Weighing up what you have seen posted so far what is your instinct and inclination.[/QUOTE]

CDfm

Sorry your miss reading the posts, I posted about my daughter getting OCD when she sees/meets her father, not having it all the time. And to clarify I'm not the OP I'm just someone who has similar circumstances to her.

Barracudaincork

tbh wrote: »

yeah but if her dad was alive, she could make contact. Once he's dead, that option is gone forever.

Which is exactly why i said she should tell her daughter now, while the man is still alive.

tbh

my bad, we agree, sorry

Barracudaincork

tbh wrote: »

my bad, we agree, sorry

No worries

LegacyUser

Op again. Firstly, thanks so much for input - it's really helping.

I'll just clarify a few things.

He was diagnosed 11.5months ago. I wrote to him 8 months ago (not knowing he had a terminal illness). 'Here's your annual note, your daughters address & contact number (my mobile) should you decide you would like to contact her)'. I've always tried to keep the lines of communication open even though there has never been a reply. It was always my 'defence' to my daughter for when she hit puberty and her dad became this 'hero' in her head, when I became the baddy. 'Why did you not let me see him...' etc. I have written every year so that unfortunately for her, she will know the truth.

So bottom line, he has known he could contact her since he was diagnosed. If he was going to have a miraculous change of heart, I'm guessing he'd have had it then.

He has a house and has worked all his adult life. Here's the funny bit. He's a primary school teacher and 'loves kids' !!!!!!!! Oh the irony.

So I will welcome with open arms, any and every financial gain that my daughter receives from him after his demise. She deserves every single penny and I will fight tooth and nail for her to get it.

I like the idea of telling her he has died soon after and offering to bring her to his grave. That sounds like something we could do. She hasn't attended any funerals as both our parents died years ago and so far, all our families are alive & well. I really think her 'first' funeral shouldn't be his.

Keep the opinions coming...its genuinely helping me figure this out - I've been a mass of emotions about it and my head is clearing thanks to writing it down, and reading your replies, so really, thanks.

badolepuddytat

Hi op, I see that you have your childs interests at heart and would have overlooked any bad feelings you have in order to facilitate a relationship. I wonder if now is the time to talk to your daughter to see if she wants to instigate an attempt at communication? It is probably best for her if it goes through you so you can shield her from a negative reaction but if she were to write a personal letter or ask to visit him it might elicit a different reaction. This is all dependent on how she feels she would like to go about it, maybe she would not feel any need to contact him. It may also be that he isn't in a position physically or emotionally to cope with such a meeting anymore but positive interaction between them could be very good for your daughter. I definitely think you should talk to her before he passes away though.

MissFlitworth

I'd probably make one last effort, maybe through a friend or family member of his, to see if he wants to see her (obviously only if he genuinely wants to and is prepared to be nice to her when he sees her, no sitting around sulking or being a pr*ck cos he was pushed into something he didn't want) Only because I'm thinking that if he got your letter a few months after being told his cancer was terminal he might not have been thinking straight. It's not for his benefit at all, I can totally understand how angry you'd be at this man, just so that when your daughter is older and asking questions you can hand on your heart say that you did everything you could so that she could meet her dad before he died.

It sounds like a supremely crap and stressful situation for you to have to deal with, hope you're getting looked after while it's all going on

MissFlitworth

Oh, and no matter what course of action you take your daughter is going to be fine, sounds like she has a rocking mother who's doing her best to keep her safe and well

LegacyUser

OP here.

Bit of confusion above.

It's not my daughter with OCD but another poster, also going unreg.

So my daughter is happy and adjusted and doesnt appear to have any issues about her father.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again. Firstly, thanks so much for input - it's really helping.

I'll just clarify a few things.

He was diagnosed 11.5months ago. I wrote to him 8 months ago (not knowing he had a terminal illness). 'Here's your annual note........ I have written every year so that unfortunately for her, she will know the truth.

So you have always tried to do the right thing -well why stop now.

I like the idea of telling her he has died soon after and offering to bring her to his grave. That sounds like something we could do. She hasn't attended any funerals as both our parents died years ago and so far, all our families are alive & well. I really think her 'first' funeral shouldn't be his.

Ouch at the bitter and twisted bit -but we dont have forced heirship in Ireland and its up to you to resolve bits and pieces with him now as when he is dead and gone its to late.

Any residual pension rights could just go when he dies.So I wouldnt plan dancing on graves or spending an inheritance just yet.

LegacyUser

Op again.

I just wanted to ask people never to underestimate the power of these boards - really. 2 hours ago I posted and my head was a mess. 2 hours later and it's clearing (slightly)!. This has helped me more than you'll ever know - there are few people who I can genuinely talk to about this issue because (of course) they wonder why I ever bothered to continue to keep the door open for him etc etc. If they were in my place, they said they'd have ignored him completely, treating him the way he treated me etc.

But I've done it all for my daughter - Amy. She's a wonderful kid and I think it's genuinely important that when she gets to 'that age' when she wants to 'find herself', I can hold my head up high and tell her I did the very best I could do for her. I hope and pray that there will be no stages in her life when this issue really messes with her head.

Anyhoooo....I'm going away for the weekend so can't get back here until Tues...but thanks again for your input - give yourselves a pat on the back for taking the time to write a post and help a stranger. Because that's what you've all done.

Btw...i'll be back and will keep ye posted....tx

mufc4lfe

i would say no

the_syco

I second the idea of going through the priest. He should acknowledge what you're trying to do, and will be able to give feedback. A letter is one way, at least with the priest, you can say to your daughter in years to come that you tried to contact him through letters, and even the parish priest.

Dravokivich

the_syco wrote: »

I second the idea of going through the priest. He should acknowledge what you're trying to do, and will be able to give feedback. A letter is one way, at least with the priest, you can say to your daughter in years to come that you tried to contact him through letters, and even the parish priest.

Parish Priest is just a man in black to someone without religion....

shellyboo

Dravokivich wrote: »

Parish Priest is just a man in black to someone without religion....

Or, a man in black who is a big figure in the community and might know the family in question, and could possibly arbitrate between them.

Religion has very little to do with it - the priest might just be in the right position to help.

metrovelvet

If he is that ill he may not be mentally fit enough to even remember he has a daughter let alone read a letter. I would regularly find my father reading the newspaper upside down,asking me who the **** I was,and for train tickets to philadelphia. In a hospital in the US, hed often comment on how social these twickemham apartments are.

It may already be too late,i suspect it is. Dont let the first and last image of her father be a dying man. It aint pretty.

As for inheritance,talk to whomever he has given power of attorney.

LegacyUser

Well I believe today's the day...he had the last rites during the nite and hasn't got long (hours I believe)... So my daughter won't get to meet him at all now. I haven't even told her he's sick as I didn't want to ruin the weekend away...which brings me back to my original question about whether to bring her to his funeral which will be sooner than I anticipated...I feel sick

tbh

I would still say no. Don't take her to the funeral. You think you should because you want her to be able to say goodbye. She can do that at anytime, and, imo, it would be better to do that away from the eye of his family.

If you had a son that died, and you found out that he actually had a child, and that child would be present at the funeral, it would be like a second chance at having your son back. That's totally understandable. Even if his family know about your child, seeing her at the funeral will no doubt prompt them to put pressure on her - however well meaning - to "rejoin" their family.

If she has that decision to make, it shouldn't be at her fathers funeral. I would say, don't go, go later in the week instead where she can be on her own at the grave. If she wants to meet his family after that, grand, you can cross that bridge later.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Well I believe today's the day...he had the last rites during the nite and hasn't got long (hours I believe)... So my daughter won't get to meet him at all now. I haven't even told her he's sick as I didn't want to ruin the weekend away...which brings me back to my original question about whether to bring her to his funeral which will be sooner than I anticipated...I feel sick

I think you should. Personal opinion and being a Dad and all that.

I can't see what harm it would do anyway as opposed to the speculation she will have if you leave it open. I hope you dont mind me saying with your choice of words etc it does seem to be all about you and a bit flippant. I am sure being on his death bed sort of ruined the Dads weekend too.

So if its about you not wanting to go to the funeral -then make your mind up.Just don't pretend its about your daughter.

miss no stars

That's a little harsh.

Sit her down and tell her the full story. Tell her that you wrote to him every year, that you tried to get him to see her. Tell her everything you've said here (about him getting contact from you after his diagnosis yet still not contacting). Just the facts in as unbiased a manner as you can. Give her the respect that she deserves as a young adult.

This is her choice to make - not his and not yours. Suggest options like those outlined above and do it now!

LegacyUser

'Personal opinion and being a Dad and all that'

And therein lies the difference. You are a dad and would deserve your child/children at your funeral. He was never a dad to his daughter.

'I hope you dont mind me saying with your choice of words etc it does seem to be all about you and a bit flippant.... am sure being on his death bed sort of ruined the Dads weekend too'

I didn't want to ruin my daughters weekend, not mine. We were in a theme park in france and she had been looking forward to this break for months. So it was her weekend I didn't want to ruin by telling her that a man who decided long ago, that he just didn't want to be a father to her, was dying.

'So if its about you not wanting to go to the funeral -then make your mind up.Just don't pretend its about your daughter'

Well of course this is about me too. Of course it is. I am not pretending that I am completely detached from this situation. This man is the father of my child whether I like it or not but I would rather not go to his funeral and mourn a man, in my eyes, who rejected my daughter AND me when we needed him most. While I have long gotten over his rejection of me because I am an adult and have moved on with my life, I am not sure that I want my daughter to feel she has to mourn for this man. It is about her emotional well-being, not mine.

LegacyUser

Thanks miss no stars.

Thats exactly what I'm going to do. I'll tell her tonight when I get in from work and let her decide what she'd like to do. I'm guessing she'll want to go and if she does, I'll be as discreet as I can there i.e. not get involved with his family.

They have also known about my daughter for 13years but in their wisdom, have also chosen to ignore her.

CDfm

miss no stars wrote: »

That's a little harsh.

It may sound that way - but the OP does come accross a bit callous and it gives me the feeling that the original problem may not have been a Dad only issue or all that one sided.

Its just a feeling that there is a reason she herself doesnt want to go to the funeral that she has kept to herself and repeating her script to her may not be helpful.

OP thats not having a go -but Im divorced and it would not be an easy job to handle no matter how its dressed up.

EDIT: OP there are times to bite your lip and keep stuff in so as not to hurt someone else -so be brave.

LegacyUser

I never said it was one sided OR that it was a dad only issue.

Never.

It was almost 14yrs ago when he decided he didn't want to become a father after all. I am under NO illusion that he has convinced himself that it is because I am a pyscho and he just couldn't deal with me. And that this is the story he has told anyone who cares to ask.

And if that's the justifcation he has chosen to stick to, or the excuse he has used for 13 years, then there's nothing I can do about that.

And of course I can't PROVE that I am not a psycho on this site, and I won't even attempt to.

But the bottom line is whether I am a psycho or not, he had a daughter for 13yrs who he chose to ignore, because of his hatred towards me, and now it's too late for her to meet him. I have written to him every year to 'keep the door open' for him. So I've done as much as I could do and now I will have to support my daughter through the next few days/weeks or however long it takes for her to 'recover'.

And if my tone comes across as angry, well as I stated in my first post, I am VERY angry at him for dying and leaving behind a teenager who won't know where her emotions are with this situation. Like I said previously, I have always put my daughter first in this issue but I am also human and won't pretend this isn't also about me.