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Should I bring her to her dad's funeral?

  • 29-05-2009 11:20AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    im lost on this one, somone please provide me with advise.

    I have a 13yr old daughter who's father left when I was pregnant. Despite attempts on my part, to get him to see her, he never did. He lives local though so I would have seen him around the village and he ignored me/us for practically the past 13yrs.
    My daughter has no contact with his family either - he didn't have a good relationship with them himself.
    So my daughter knows very little of him - other than he's her biological father, but that she has a step-dad (I married when she was 5) who she adores.

    So recently I had heard he was ill. I don't ask after him, but I'd heard someone chatting in the local shop about him (he has an unusual surname). I wasn't sure how ill until I was told yesterday that he has weeks/maybe days to live.

    There will obviously be a funeral and I don't know what to do. This man has obviously known he was going to die for some time and yet has STILL not shown an interest in his daughter (I thought people want to sort out their past when they're dying?) so he hasn't changed since I knew him. Still a selfish, sad man.

    So do I tell my daughter when he dies? Do I bring her to the funeral? Or do I leave it and tell her when she's older.

    I am completly all over the place - on the one hand, yes I know he's her father and she has a 'right' to say goodbye to him (even though she's never said 'hello') but on the other I'm wondering WHY would I put this grief upon her? Why would I make her go through the emotion of 'My daddy has died' when she's never even known her daddy?

    If I tell her how ill he is and bring her to the funeral, she'll tell her friends that her dad has just died, the school will become involved (they have support groups for kids when they go through bereavement) but she's never known him, so she won't be 'going-through' bereavement??? And yet he's still her father. Am I making any sense?
    What would you do? and please keep in mind that she's also 13..and has all the hormones to prove it!


«13

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 160 ✭✭goodmum


    I woudln't bring her, but that's just me.
    I don't see why you should be left to 'pick up the pieces' when he's gone when you've spent 13yrs raising her with no input from him. However, I'm biased because am in a similar position myself except my ex isn't ill.
    Having said that, you will have to tell her at some point in her life...god, that's an awful situation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,085 ✭✭✭Xiney


    I can remember what I was like at 13. All in all, at 13 I know I would have appreciated making the decision for myself, because I was "grown up". :)



    If I read your post correctly, her biological father is only gravely ill, not dead yet. I would ask him (possibly through family) one more time, if he would like to see his daughter. If he says no, don't mention it to your daughter. If he says yes, ask your daughter if she would like to see him. Explain that it will not be a happy visit, and it might be scary.

    If she says yes, then bring her to see him.

    If he dies, ask her if she would like to go to the funeral. No pressure. Explain that the family may be cold towards her (especially if she was not wanted at the hospital)

    This way, whatever happens, you have let her make her own decision for the most part. She will respect you for that, and she won't be back here in 10 years making a PI thread saying "I wasn't allowed to go to my dad's funeral... it's still bothering me"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,181 ✭✭✭Davidth88


    I am with Xiney on this , speak to your daughter and ask her how she feels about this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here
    Yes he's gravely ill. I heard it second hand but I had it confirmed this morning. He has 3 weeks max and is at home with hospice care.

    He obviously doesn't want to see her. Why would I contact him again? He has known about this for one year and it was a terminal diagosis from the start. He had no chemo etc because it had gone too far (its cancer). So he has known about this for a year and he has never tried to contact her.

    But my biggest fear is of course, like you said...that she'll be here in 10 years saying 'My mam didn't tell me my dad died and now I'm insane' or something similar..

    I am very, very angry at this man. The anger from 13years ago wasn't this bad. I am so angry that I have to make this decision and that my daughter, either way, will be affected by his death...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,085 ✭✭✭Xiney


    Your daughter isn't going to be insane! Don't worry about that :)

    If you're sure he won't want to see her then there's no point in asking I suppose.

    I'd still tell her that he has died, and see how she reacts. If she asks to go to the funeral, then tell her you'll go with her and she can leave if she feels uncomfortable at any time.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Don't let your anger cloud your judgment. The only person who's opinion should matter in this is your daughter's.

    Explain things to her, and leave it with her to think about - the decision is in her hands, no pressure at all. 13 is young, but it's not that young that she can't grasp the severity of the situation and make a decision.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you.

    I just hate the way she is going to be left with the legacy of 'My dad died when I was 13' even though he has never been a dad to her.

    I'm afraid to tell her that he's ill because she might ask if she can go and see him and like I said, he hasn't contacted her so if I was to contact him and ask could she visit (on his deathbed) and he said no.....

    The first few years of my daughters life were tough to say the least (single, no support, no money, no job etc etc) - I was the typical lone parent (and I hate that phrase!).

    but things changed when I met hubby and we now have a wonderful life, we really do. Even though it was so tough at the start, I must have been doing something right because she is a very good kid (even though I say so myself!) and has always been.

    And now this...I thought we were past the whole 'daddy' thing and the emotions she felt when she was younger....I really did....She's starting secondary in september and is already anxious about that...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,085 ✭✭✭Xiney


    Your daughter's real dad isn't dying.

    This guy is really nothing more than a sperm donor.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 162 ✭✭badolepuddytat


    Don't let your anger cloud your judgment. The only person who's opinion should matter in this is your daughter's.

    Explain things to her, and leave it with her to think about - the decision is in her hands, no pressure at all. 13 is young, but it's not that young that she can't grasp the severity of the situation and make a decision.
    +1
    I take it that your daughter knows that he is her father? If you're in a small village she may have heard already and be afraid of upsetting you by asking to make contact with him. Just a thought, maybe off the wall but I definitely think you should be honest and open with her as this is an important part of her life, regardless as his failings to you and her when she needed a father figure. Best of luck op.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 180 ✭✭Minxie123


    God that's a tough one. Personally I would tell her what's going on an let her decide whether she wants to go to the funeral or not. I know she's still very young but at 13 you'd be probably be surprised at how much she can process. I know you don't think she will be grieving but I don't agree with that. She will need to grieve for the father she never had and the father that she never will have and she is entitled to that. I think if you don't tell her about this and she finds out at a later stage that you knew and didn't say anything you'll have a whole heap of trouble on your hands. I can understand that you are reluctant to put her through all of this but I really don't think you should keep all of this from her.


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  • Posts: 11,928 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    If it were me, I would go and talk to him first.
    Just in case he hasn't contacted because he rightly felt that he hadn't a right to look for support from you two. If that went well.
    Then I would ask her what she wants to do about talking to him before he dies.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    She should know that he doesnt want to know her, its not your fault but at least your being honest and showing him for exactly what he is. I know you are trying to protect her from feeling hurt by this, but she has her step-dad in her life, you cant make excuses up for her real Dads behaviour, it wont protect her in the long run. Im sure you always tell her that honesty is the best policy.

    I think the hardest part will be dealing with how she feels about how she is supposed to feel, if she feels bad for not feeling sad or not caring as she never knew the person etc that may be harder for her to deal with or understand. Talk to her about it all.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 7,396 Mod ✭✭✭✭**Timbuk2**


    Contact the father first and ask if he wants to see his daughter.

    Only tell your daughter if he says yes, because if you told your daughter that her father is dying but he doesn't want to see you, she would feel rejected.

    If you do tell her, she probably won't know how to react. She probably won't be that sad herself, but she won't know what to say to you as she might think that you are sad.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,308 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Xiney wrote: »
    Your daughter's real dad isn't dying.

    This guy is really nothing more than a sperm donor.
    Agreed 100%

    OP, from your post, the dude was never a father to her. She never knew about him. So why bring it up now? So he can deny her? So she gets her head f**ked up because the sperm donor never wanted to see her? So that it may affect her relationship with men on a subconcious level for the rest of her life?

    F**k that. She's better off not knowing him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    OP, you have the make the right call on this because obviously you can't change your actions after the guy has died. There are two issues here as I see them:

    1. Should you get in contact?
    Absolutely you should. You should contact her father on the off-chance that he's ashamed of the way he treated his daughter and doesn't think she'd want anything to do with him. You don't owe this man anything, but I think your daughter would appreciate your courage in years to come, if you give her a chance to meet him. If you talk to him and he's not bothered, then don't say anything to your daughter.

    What you are trying to anticipate here is, 20 years down the line, your daughter finds out what happened and asks you why you didn't give her the chance to talk to her father while she still could. If you can say that you called him and he didn't want to meet her, it'll be easier for her to understand.

    2. The funeral
    If your daughter has no contact with her father, then I wouldn't subject her to the funeral. Too many people from his family who will obviously see her as a part of him, and may put pressure on her to have contact with them. I'd sit her down about a week afterwards, tell her he's died and ask her if she wants to visit his grave with you. Allow her to say her goodbye in private, if she wants to.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Im with tbh but I would go and I would bring her or give her the option of going. I think it would be a good thing for her as in the future she would know that he is dead and gone etc. It would also show her you mean no ill will and if you are going anyway she will too as she will know you dont think its wrong or that you and your partner would not be offended that she attends. I hope you get what I am trying to say.

    Funerals are for the living and not for the dead and he has relatives brothers,sisters, parents still alive etc who in time your daughter may be in contact with.

    Your daughter is a kid and does not need to know whatever crap you went thru with her Dad but may need to know who he was etc. She had her confirmation last year etc and who knows what goes thru little girls minds.She may have questions for you and of course a bit of sugar coating is appropriate sometimes. This is one of those times.

    On the school counselling etc -you are the parent -they cant do this stuff without your permission as thats your job.

    Its better that you handle this thing with her in a way that you have it under control.

    I know some wont agree but thats what I think.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,772 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    He obviously doesn't want to see her.
    Can we be certain of that? If he is ill and worried or depressed, he might be thinking that you won't want to know.

    He might have 3 weeks, but he might have much less. Perhaps you might contact your local doctor or clergy and ask them would it be worth your while.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

    I really urge you to talk to her about this and be honest, it may be hard but being honest will help in the long run.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP i have a daughter who is the same age as yours and her father has seen her about 15 times in the last 13yrs despite the fact we had been married 2 yrs before we split she was only a few months old at the time. He had an accident a few years ago and I understood from talking to others that he was on deaths door, at no stage did he or his family get in contact but I do recall the feeling of what to do, or more importantly what to do in the best interest of my daughter. Her Dad sends her cards at xmas and birthdays usually but will ignore her if he meets her on the street.

    Personally speaking I would not subject my daughter to contacting him before he dies to let him know there was no ill feeling, bloody hell there is alot of ill feeling on my account given the way he has treated our daughter, the innocent on in all this. Consider if it was the other way around and god forbid your daughter was sick do you think he or his family would come to her bedside, I guess not, if someone is that selfish there is just no changing them. Again if you were not living in the same town as him and didn't know about his situation there is nothing you could do about it, it is more the circumstances you've found yourself in that means you have to make the call.

    You know your daughter best, does she talk about him, ever? If not then I would write her a letter setting out exactly your fears and worries and your reason for not letting her know that this was going on in her life and keep it somewhere safely for her until she asks about him, be it in a month or a few years time. Personally I wouldn't attend my ex-h funeral, it would be just hypocritial and of course if your daughter goes you need to be there to support her. Again be careful that his family might see her as being able to hold onto a bit of him, does she really need the upset, I for one would not put or allow my daughter to go through it especially given 13 years have past.

    Good luck to you and your daughter whatever you decide.

    I


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

    Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    I dont think she will feel rejected that a man she has never met doesnt want to meet her. She is 13 and no doubt realises that he doesnt want to know her, if not he would of been in contact with her or her Mum over the past 13 years. She wont feel anymore rejected.

    I really urge you to talk to her about this and be honest, it may be hard but being honest will help in the long run.

    I think that's fair enough if the guy just dropped dead out of the blue, but the fact that the mother knows he's dying complicates things. She's making a decision on behalf of her daughter that could affect her daughter for years to come. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.

    I think the OP has the right to come to whatever decision she thinks is best for her daughter, and to be honest I'd back her whatever she did. But again, with one eye on the future, she needs to be able to explain to her daughter that she didn't just cut the father out because of the OP 's personal feelings toward him (whether those feelings are justified or not will be irrelevant to the OP's daughter, I would imagine).


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭gillo_100


    I know its slightly off topic to the issue you are worried about and I also know little about the area but the issue of inheritance occured to me.

    Considering the amount of contact the father may not want to leave anything, nor may you want him leaving anything, to your daughter.
    However since he is dying at a young age he may not have will and afaik inheritance would default to closest next of kin, i.e. daughter. Its just something you may want to consider and get advice on.

    In terms of whether or not to tell her in my opinion I would, at 13 she is old enough to fully understand the situation and make her own decisions, with your support.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection!


    I didnt say she would get used to rejection, i said she wont be any more rejected there is a difference.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    tbh wrote: »
    I think that's fair enough if the guy just dropped dead out of the blue, but the fact that the mother knows he's dying complicates things. She's making a decision on behalf of her daughter that could affect her daughter for years to come. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.
    quote]

    She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Victor wrote: »
    Perhaps you might contact your local doctor or clergy and ask them would it be worth your while.

    Very practical idea
    tbh wrote: »
    I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, for example, my maternal grandfather died when my mam was three and a half, and I know that 50-odd years on, she still wonders what he was like.
    quote]

    She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.

    This is sensible to.


    Totally disagree with this statement my daughter has been ignored by her father for the best part of her life and she gets O.C.D. symptoms (diagnosed via gp) almost everytime he looks at her when in town or if she sees him, no one gets used to rejection

    You say she is happy and now say she has OCD. Whatever it is you think yourself its the right and ethical thing to make some type of contact deep down inside or you wouldnt have posted. You dont want her to have other issues.

    Also you know that to make a drama out of it would be wrong.

    Weighing up what you have seen posted so far what is your instinct and inclination.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh



    She is going to wonder what her dad is like if he was alive too, death does not stop the wondering when you dont have contact with someone.

    yeah but if her dad was alive, she could make contact. Once he's dead, that option is gone forever.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You say she is happy and now say she has OCD. Whatever it is you think yourself its the right and ethical thing to make some type of contact deep down inside or you wouldnt have posted. You dont want her to have other issues.

    Also you know that to make a drama out of it would be wrong.

    Weighing up what you have seen posted so far what is your instinct and inclination.[/QUOTE]

    CDfm

    Sorry your miss reading the posts, I posted about my daughter getting OCD when she sees/meets her father, not having it all the time. And to clarify I'm not the OP I'm just someone who has similar circumstances to her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    tbh wrote: »
    yeah but if her dad was alive, she could make contact. Once he's dead, that option is gone forever.


    Which is exactly why i said she should tell her daughter now, while the man is still alive.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    my bad, we agree, sorry :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 773 ✭✭✭Barracudaincork


    tbh wrote: »
    my bad, we agree, sorry :)

    No worries :)


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