Explain Irish weddings to me! (please)

ozchick

I know that weddings here are different to at home and just wondering what the usual is.

We have been invited to a wedding- got an 'evening invitation' which mentions the church (early afternoon) and and an evening reception at 8.30 in another County.

I believe here and in the UK there is a reception (meal?) after the wedding and then often a party after that which some get invited to just one and some to both. (Didn't have an RSVP on it?)

Is that how it works? Would it be more of a party at 8.30 than a meal?

And how tarted up does one get for an Irish wedding these days? Well for the evening bit anyway? Wear same thing to church and the evening? Suits for guys?

Buy a nice gift and take to the evening reception?

Appreciate your help!

Seoid

That's pretty much it - there's the ceremony, then a meal and then a party. Usually after the meal the room is rearranged and there's a band and/or a DJ and dancing/drinking until closing time. If numbers are tight for the meal a lot of people might be invited to the party afterwards but not to the meal and it seems like that's what you're invitation is for - especially as your invite doesn't have RSVP on it and they'd need to know exactly how many are coming to the meal in advance.

So you can either go to the ceremony, go off and have dinner by yourself and then go to the reception at 8.30 or you can skip the ceremony and just go to the reception. How well do you know the couple?

If there's no dress code on the invitation I would go with suits for a guy and a pretty dress for a lady.

Is it much different where you're from? How do they do it in Australia? (I'm guessing that's where you're from)

IanCurtis

Anyone and everyone gets invited to the reception as (a) it cost the bride and groom nothing extra and (b) you would bring them a gift.

If I don't get invited to the wedding and dinner, then I don't go...end of story. I wouldn't expect it of anyone I invited either, it's just crap really.

Oz weddings are head and shoulders above anything in Ireland...everyone there, free bar...

By the way, you'll have to pay for all your drinks too

Seoid

It depends on the couple and the situation.
I still think it's possible some people invite people to the evening reception because they'd like to have them there!! I wouldn't bring a gift to an evening reception though.

And weddings are expensive enough without having to cover everyone's drinks costs as well.

IanCurtis

Yes it depends, but personally I'd be pissed off big style if a friend invited me to his wedding reception only, along with the rest of his 40 office colleagues!!!

Ozchick - don't bother with it.

havana

Not everyone can afford to have everyone they would like to share their day with at the meal. Or provide free drink all night. I would always bring a gift even if only going to the reception but then i've only been invited to weddings of good friends or family. I wouldn't probably spend as much as if i was going to the reception.

I'd still wear a nice dress and trousers and shirt is ok for the guys.

havana

IanCurtis wrote: »

Yes it depends, but personally I'd be pissed off big style if a friend invited me to his wedding reception only, along with the rest of his 40 office colleagues!!!

Ozchick - don't bother with it.

On the one hand people moan that the amount of money spent on weddings these days is crazy and then people moan if they don't get an invite to the whole day. I wouldn't expect anyone to invite me to the entire day- except my sister! No matter how close i was, although of course i would love to be there. I'm just happy to share any of the day with my friend.

implausible

Ozchick, are ya sure that there is a big meal involved?An 'evening invitation' is usually just the party, not the church as well. (Correct me if I'm wrong).

Maybe, it's the church, a small family meal and a big buffet in the evening?

IanCurtis

Oh yeah, I also meant to say you feel like the biggest div on the planet walking in at half eight when everyone is half-pissed and you've missed pretty much everything.

It's a bit like joining your friends on Paddy's Day an hour before closing time.

Ozchick - seriously don't bother. And there ain't gonna be a meal, you'll be lucky to get a poxy ham sandwich.

havana

IanCurtis wrote: »

Oh yeah, I also meant to say you feel like the biggest div on the planet walking in at half eight when everyone is half-pissed and you've missed pretty much everything.

It's a bit like joining your friends on Paddy's Day an hour before closing time.

Ozchick - seriously don't bother. And there ain't gonna be a meal, you'll be lucky to get a poxy ham sandwich.

I'm surprised you get invited to ANY weddings! :-)

IanCurtis

Deep down you know I'm right. There's no way you would invite a good friend to the reception only.

It's two-fingers to them.

havana

Surely it depends on the wedding. More and more people are going for smaller weddings. Yeah if a really close friends didn't invite me but invited other friends of 'equal status' i would be put out but there is nothing to indicate that this is a very close friend of the OP

IanCurtis

Which is better - wedding just for family and select friends, no afters

or wedding just for family and good friends, all A.N.Others invited to reception only

havana

For me? Somewhere hot. Immediate family and couple of closest friends who all bugger off afterwards or let us bugger off and don't expect us to holiday with them for a week after (",)

seamus

Ian, how do you know the couple aren't just having a meal with their families only and then inviting everyone else to join them later? That's the usual reason why people do a separate evening invitation.

Trampas

OP has not mentioned how they know the person(s) getting married.

I work with 40 people in my department do you expect me to invite them to the whole day?

They will all be invited to the afters.

Same with herself.

As said already weddings are expensive and not everyone can afford to invite the world.

Sounds like the world was invited to IanCurtis wedding

IanCurtis

seamus wrote: »

Ian, how do you know the couple aren't just having a meal with their families only and then inviting everyone else to join them later? That's the usual reason why people do a separate evening invitation.

No it's not, that's just crap talk :rolleyes:

The vast majority of traditional Irish weddings have about 100-150 guests. The rest are invited to the afters.

I've been to seven weddings in the last 12 months and they are always the same.

The OP wants to know what the story is and I'm telling her - if you're invited to the afters only, you're not in the inner circle of friends and family...that's just the way it is. Personally, if I'm not in the circle, that's fine by me. I won't be missed in that case. But I ain't turning up like a lemon at 9:00pm when the day is all over bar the shouting, it's embarrassing if nothing else.

To summarise - don't bother going.

iguana

IanCurtis wrote: »

The OP wants to know what the story is and I'm telling her - if you're invited to the afters only, you're not in the inner circle of friends and family...that's just the way it is.

I've been to the afters of lots of weddings, some were of work colleagues that I didn't know that well and would have been more "friendly" with rather than actual friends. Is it insulting? No, and I don't understand why anyone would think it is. Someone doesn't know me terribly well but likes me well enough to invite me to their wedding, it's a compliment. And the night is hardly over, all I've missed is standing around while photos are taken, a sub-standard meal (as wedding meals usually are) and some boring speeches. The actual fun part is the afters, and as usually at least half the guests are only arriving for the afters it isn't as if you'll stand out.

I've also gone to the afters of weddings of relatives of my friends. I have 23 first cousins, so for the most part I've only gone to the afters of the weddings of aunts and uncles. And once they start getting married it will be the same for my cousins.

Expecting to be invited to the whole wedding or not at all is, to be quite frank, the all or nothing attitude of a toddler. I have lots of friends who I wouldn't consider close or best friends, but that doesn't mean we don't care for each other.

IanCurtis

I still don't think you get it. If I'm not invited to the wedding, then I don't go to the afters.

I would take it as an insult from a good friend, and couldn't be arsed going to a work colleague's or someone I hardly knew.

If you're that hard up for a night out, good for you, but I'm not.

Edit - Ah, I see you mod the Weddings forum.... so you just like going to weddings then, anyone will do... that's not really the norm though

asdasd

Oh yeah, I also meant to say you feel like the biggest div on the planet walking in at half eight when everyone is half-pissed and you've missed pretty much everything.

The solution there, Ian old boy, is to get pissed somewhere else with other people who are invited to the afters ( probably you know some - work mates etc.).

I am delighted to get invited to afters from people I dont know so well. Even a cash bar. Generally there is someone there I know ( it tends to be work colleagues) and that's a knees up in itself.

Plus I can dance to cheesy music.

seamus

IanCurtis wrote: »

No it's not, that's just crap talk :rolleyes:

The vast majority of traditional Irish weddings have about 100-150 guests. The rest are invited to the afters.

I've been to seven weddings in the last 12 months and they are always the same.

In my experience of weddings, most people don't opt for "afters" unless they're having an exceptionally small wedding.

The OP wants to know what the story is and I'm telling her - if you're invited to the afters only, you're not in the inner circle of friends and family...that's just the way it is. Personally, if I'm not in the circle, that's fine by me. I won't be missed in that case. But I ain't turning up like a lemon at 9:00pm when the day is all over bar the shouting, it's embarrassing if nothing else.

Must be great to be so black-and-white Ian. So you have great friends and nothing else? You have no other type of relationship?
You don't have acquaintances, you don't have people you bump into on nights out who are friends-of-friends and you have a laugh with, but wouldn't consider them your best mates? You don't have workmates that you'll chat to, but the only thing you have in common is work?

I would consider getting new friends if their wedding dinners are over by 8.30 and everybody's "shouting".

iguana

IanCurtis wrote: »

I still don't think you get it. If I'm not invited to the wedding, then I don't go to the afters.

I would take it as an insult from a good friend, and couldn't be arsed going to a work colleague's or someone I hardly knew.

If you're that hard up for a night out, good for you, but I'm not.

Edit - Ah, I see you mod the Weddings forum.... so you just like going to weddings then, anyone will do... that's not really the norm though

No, I actually quite seriously dislike most weddings. Bad food, bands who play "music for everyone" ie, trite pop that was out at the time of grandparent's weddings, speeches that are about as funny and entertaining as herpes, hours of waiting around for stuff to happen and then it happens and it's crap and it all costs a huge amount of money for both those getting married and often the guests. I've only ever been to two weddings that I would think of as not being crap, my own, which was just a party at our house. And my one of my uncle's who had a fancy dress halloween wedding.

However I do like celebrating important occasions with people I care about. And not everyone I care about is a close friend. As I mentioned I have a large extended family, expecting my aunts/uncles/cousins to pay for a meal for 40+ extra people or stomping my foot and not attending would be downright nasty and selfish. Your attitude really stinks, it's unbelievably selfish and narrow-minded. I wouldn't go to any big expense to attend wedding afters, I wouldn't travel halfway down the country, I wouldn't pay for a hotel, I wouldn't buy a new outfit. And I'd either club together with a group to buy a present or give them a bottle of sparkly.

I don't know anyone who only has close friends and doesn't have other friends who they like a lot. You may be the exception, perhaps you only have 3 or 4 friends and a very small family so you could easily afford to pay for dinner for everyone you know, but most people have more friends and relatives who they would like to celebrate their wedding with, but have to draw the line somewhere.

Photojoe

havana wrote: »

For me? Somewhere hot. Immediate family and couple of closest friends who all bugger off afterwards or let us bugger off and don't expect us to holiday with them for a week after (",)

Wow that is quite selfish. You expect them all to join you on your expensive holiday just as a bit of window dressing for yourselves to enjoy for a day.

IanCurtis

iguana wrote: »

Your attitude really stinks, it's unbelievably selfish and narrow-minded.

I'm selfish? You had your wedding reception in your gaff!?!? How much did you make from that excuse for a party?

HAHAHAHAA

ozchick

Thanks to everyone for the helpful replies. And to everyone else...what a laugh! LOL!!:D

We will bother! It's the first wedding we've been invited to here (been here about 20 months) and will certainly go to the ceremony and the afterwards party thing. It won't be a huge p*ss up. (well maybe some relos will!) We know them a bit from church so that is why we got the invite. I think we will still get them a pressie as we really like them as people and are happy to see them get 'set up' with stuff. Thanks for the tip on the drinks too. I agree you can't invite everyone - we couldn't for our daughters wedding, though that was interstate from us.

In Oz a wedding is generally the ceremony, often some arvo tea for all those there (and the hangers on or those you can't afford to invite to the full meal) often that is when the wedding party go off and have pics taken and then a reception, full meal, usually in the evening. Depends on what time the wedding is. Reception centres that cater mainly for weddings aren't as popular as they used to be (cos they basically rip you off, charging for everything from the covers on the chairs to a 'special' knife to cut the cake - read knife with ribbon tied on it) A lot of people now go to wineries, plenty of those where we come from and many of them have a function room or restaurant that can be used, some even have accommodation suites that can be booked. Had a couple of friends who did this, wedding party and family booked in for about 3 nights and were 'on location' for the day as sometimes it can be an hour or two drive from the city. Some book a restaurant instead and it's often dancing and the meal and speeches.

Not sure how weddings are expensive for the guests, but if you care enough about the people and want to celebrate such a special occasion with them, then it's no chore!

Hope those with issues on weddings can get over them

havana

Photojoe wrote: »

Wow that is quite selfish. You expect them all to join you on your expensive holiday just as a bit of window dressing for yourselves to enjoy for a day.

I was being a bit tongue in cheek... My ultimate nightmare would be a huge wedding away for 2 weeks with dozens of people and everyone in each others pockets the whole time. I'd much rather bring my close family and friends away somewhere quiet for a few days and then spend time just the 2 of us. So no i don't expect anything of anyone or see those i love as window dressing. 60 hangers on would be window dressing. I have no desire for a big wedding

havana

Photojoe wrote: »

Wow that is quite selfish. You expect them all to join you on your expensive holiday just as a bit of window dressing for yourselves to enjoy for a day.

I was being a bit tongue in cheek... My ultimate nightmare would be a huge wedding away for 2 weeks with dozens of people and everyone in each others pockets the whole time. I'd much rather bring my close family and friends away somewhere quiet for a few days and then spend time just the 2 of us. So no i don't expect anything of anyone or see those i love as window dressing. 60 hangers on would be window dressing. I have no desire for a big wedding

iguana

IanCurtis wrote: »

I'm selfish? You had your wedding reception in your gaff!?!? How much did you make from that excuse for a party?

HAHAHAHAA

I asked guests to make a donation to Oxfam's appeal for victims of the South Asian earthquake, which had happened the year before but was seriously low on funds.

Conway_Damien

IanCurtis wrote: »

Yes it depends, but personally I'd be pissed off big style if a friend invited me to his wedding reception only, along with the rest of his 40 office colleagues!!!

Ozchick - don't bother with it.

People aren't made of money here ya know, alot of people invite family to the whole thing and like to have everyone else come and enjoy the evening with them. Its not just for gifts etc, besides its up to u what kind of gift you give , if any....

U should count yourself lucky to be invited in the first instance...with your attitude i am surprised u get invited to any! they obviously consider you a friend to invite you to any part of "their" special day, so you should be grateful

MariMel

IanCurtis wrote: »

No it's not, that's just crap talk :rolleyes:

The vast majority of traditional Irish weddings have about 100-150 guests. The rest are invited to the afters.

I've been to seven weddings in the last 12 months and they are always the same.

The OP wants to know what the story is and I'm telling her - if you're invited to the afters only, you're not in the inner circle of friends and family...that's just the way it is. Personally, if I'm not in the circle, that's fine by me. I won't be missed in that case. But I ain't turning up like a lemon at 9:00pm when the day is all over bar the shouting, it's embarrassing if nothing else.

To summarise - don't bother going.

Wow.......If I thought that people thought like you then I wouldnt be having an evening do.
We are having a small wedding, immediate family (siblings/parents) godparents and our 2 best friends at our wedding. Still bringing it in at 50 people. This is what we both wanted.
This by no means means that we dont want our evening guests (150 extra and counting) to come, nor do we think any the less of them.
It was our decision to have a small wedding, planning and financing a wedding in 8 months is not easy when you want to do it debt free.

For our evening guests we have arranged the normal finger food(minus sandwiches) a chocolate fountain, a joint speech with myself and my OH(thinking or doing the ring exchanging in the evening too) and something rather unique with our cake choices......all to help our evening guests know how important they are to us and how grateful we are that they took they time to celebrate our day with us.

Each to their own.....its the couples days and they are free to spent it however and with whoever they choose.

Conway_Damien

IanCurtis wrote: »

No it's not, that's just crap talk :rolleyes:

The vast majority of traditional Irish weddings have about 100-150 guests. The rest are invited to the afters.

I've been to seven weddings in the last 12 months and they are always the same.

The OP wants to know what the story is and I'm telling her - if you're invited to the afters only, you're not in the inner circle of friends and family...that's just the way it is. Personally, if I'm not in the circle, that's fine by me. I won't be missed in that case. But I ain't turning up like a lemon at 9:00pm when the day is all over bar the shouting, it's embarrassing if nothing else.

To summarise - don't bother going.

And u know this HOW????

IanCurtis

MariMel wrote: »

Wow.......If I thought that people thought like you then I wouldnt be having an evening do.

WAYYHAYYY

At last the penny drops!

Congratulations - you've just saved yourself and a lot of people a lot of hassle.

MariMel

IanCurtis wrote: »

WAYYHAYYY

At last the penny drops!

Congratulations - you've just saved yourself and a lot of people a lot of hassle.

Just wondering if you read my post and not just the first line of it???

We are having an evening do and quite a large on at that..... we have friends, family and work colleagues that are only too happy to spend a few hrs to help share our day with us.

And as I said we have plans in place to make the evening as important a part of our day as the ceremony/main meal with our families.

You said that you wouldnt want to turn up at 9pm when its all over....dont know what weddings you have been at.....last few i have been to I dont think I have left before 2am........a whole 5 hrs after you say the day is over!!!!!

Ian.....can you just accept that each person is free to invite who they choose to whatever part of the day they can
(a) afford to
(b) actually want to share the ceremony with only very close family
(c) not feel obliged to invite neighbours.....relatives they havent seen in years....and work colleagues or even people they know could not afford to take a day off work and are therefore actually much happier with only evening invites


OP do you know anyone else who has received an invite that you would comfortable enough asking what their plans are?
normally if the invite states you are invited to an evening reception then that what it is.....but most evening invites dont mention the church that the ceremony is in, unless of course the evening reception is in a church venue. And yes you are right....short and trousers for the man.....dress or dressy trousers and top for the woman is the usual 'dress code' for a wedding do.

Lastly OP hope you enjoy sharing what is a very special day for the couple.

IanCurtis

MariMel wrote: »

Just wondering if you read my post and not just the first line of it???

We are having an evening do and quite a large on at that..... we have friends, family and work colleagues that are only too happy to spend a few hrs to help share our day with us.

And as I said we have plans in place to make the evening as important a part of our day as the ceremony/main meal with our families.

You said that you wouldnt want to turn up at 9pm when its all over....dont know what weddings you have been at.....last few i have been to I dont think I have left before 2am........a whole 5 hrs after you say the day is over!!!!!

Ian.....can you just accept that each person is free to invite who they choose to whatever part of the day they can
(a) afford to
(b) actually want to share the ceremony with only very close family
(c) not feel obliged to invite neighbours.....relatives they havent seen in years....and work colleagues or even people they know could not afford to take a day off work and are therefore actually much happier with only evening invites


OP do you know anyone else who has received an invite that you would comfortable enough asking what their plans are?
normally if the invite states you are invited to an evening reception then that what it is.....but most evening invites dont mention the church that the ceremony is in, unless of course the evening reception is in a church venue. And yes you are right....short and trousers for the man.....dress or dressy trousers and top for the woman is the usual 'dress code' for a wedding do.

Lastly OP hope you enjoy sharing what is a very special day for the couple.

....Yawn......As soon as I read this: "....to spend a few hrs to help share our day with us." I puked, then fell into a coma.

iguana

Take a 2 week break Ian.

RC_Galway

We're getting married in a few months and we are inviting people to the afters. I think its a terrible attitude that people would consider this an insult. Our wedding will prob be around the 180-200 mark as it is. My father has 8 sisters (all of whom are married and have at least 2 kids each). My mother has 5 brothers. My fiancee is an only child and has so has been invited to all his relatives weddings over the years. He also has a large extended family that he is close to. So by the time you add in relatives alone, its quite a high number.

At this number people will already be squished in the church! So we couldn't possibly ask any more to the full day. But we have friends that we would love to see there so we will ask them to the afters. So for practical reasons and cost we cannot invite any others to the full thing. I have been invited to the afters of weddings and don't see the prob - it can be a great night. At the end of the day the person can choose whether to go or not (whether they are invited to the full day or the afters)