Partner on gay website

polly_wolly

Hi everyone,
I could really do with some advice. I am engaged since last November and we are really happy, but a couple of months ago I found my fiance on a gay website. When I confronted him he said he was just curious to see what it was all about. I was very uneasy about it and it took me a few weeks to stop obsessing about it. He swore he was not interested in men and it was just something he wanted to see out of interest. This afternoon I was on the computer to find something for work and I found in his history that he has been on gay chat a number of times. He says he just wants to talk to other guys about life in general and it's nothing to do with his sexuality.
Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any straight guys found themselves on gay sites out of interest? Id love to hear a guy's opinion on this. He has no gay tendancies whatsoever and our sex life is almost too active!!
Any advice greatly appreciated, Im very panicked!! Thanks.

star-pants

Ok, my feeling would be if he wants to talk to guys about life in general what's wrong with a maybefriends type site or a social site? Why does it have to be a gay site?
I'm a girl and if I wanted to talk to other females about life I wouldn't go for a lesbian site...

If he's going for 'curiousity' what's still holding his interest?

Liam Byrne

star-pants wrote: »

Ok, my feeling would be if he wants to talk to guys about life in general what's wrong with a maybefriends type site or a social site? Why does it have to be a gay site?
I'm a girl and if I wanted to talk to other females about life I wouldn't go for a lesbian site...

+1,000,000

I'm straight and while I'd like to think "each to their own" and "live and let live" you wouldn't catch me within a million miles of a gay site; no reason to be there.

Plenty other places - like here, for example - that you can chat to people with similar interests - or even opposing views.

The "curiosity" explanation convince me, tbh....

polly_wolly

I said that too but he said it was late at night and nobody was chatting on msn or the other ones..
He says Im getting in a flap over nothing.

themacdaddy

I would have to agree with star pants. Personally I find it extremely odd if he says he's not interested in men and is logging onto gay website. Being a hetrosexual male I would never have any interest in logging on to gay websites. He obviously has at the very least a interest in the gay side of life. I feel he is not being honest with you, and maybe even himself.

star-pants

polly_wolly wrote: »

I said that too but he said it was late at night and nobody was chatting on msn or the other ones..
He says Im getting in a flap over nothing.

Sounds like an excuse to me.
Oh it was really late so clearly only gay guys would be online?

late at night is when some sites really come alive.
whether he's making excuses to you or to himself, I'd want to know the real truth before I got married.

shellyboo

I dunno, this is an odd one.

It's a bit strange to say the least that he's on a gay website, but if all he's doing is chatting with blokes, then I don't see the harm in it. Can you ask him to show you emails or chats he's had to ease your mind? If he's truly not hiding anything he won't mind you seeing, right? And I don't think he can legitimately begrudge you asking - I think any girl would be freaked out by their bf being on a gay site!

If he shows you, and they're fine, then leave it I'd say. If he doesn't show you, you have a problem.

The way I'm looking at it is, worst case scenario. Worst case scenario here is that he's gay... there's nothing you can do to change that or stop it. So why fret about it? Ask to see the chats. Take it from there.

DenMan

Does he have any friends who are gay by any chance OP? Maybe he is trying to relate to them to improve his friendship. I had a friend in the UK who did that. Some people find it easier that way. You definitely need to talk to him about it more. I imagine he had to fill out a questionaire when he registered his account.

Boston

The vast majority of straight men will be curious about homosexuality at some point in their life. Most won't "Do" anything but rather they'll shrug it off and eventually not care, some will pick the brains of their gay friends (or chat on-line if they have none), download abit of gay porn maybe or kiss anther guy. A few may even sleep with another man. The fact remains that most of these guys will be straight.

You, however, don't sound like the type of person who could handle her partner being curious without flipping out, thus he can't talk to you about it.

LegacyUser

there is something very fishy going on here.....fair enuff...it sounds mildly plausible that he may have checked out a gay website on a one off occasion out of curiousity but to repeatedly log on to one over a period of times tells its own story.

i think he might be bi-sexual....his story just doesn't add up at all. he probably doesn't want you or probably anyone else to know...hence his cover-up story. as a straight guy, i'm not exactly sure what his game is... u got to consider the possibility that he may have or intends to have sexual encounters with other men....thats pretty much what those websites are intended for i guess.

i can tell you from personal experience that a similar thing happened to me. i checked the history on a computer and found similar websites. i managed to figure out who had been on those websites and was completely shocked! never in a million years would i have thought that that person would have gay tendencies but there you go.....you never can tell!!!!....and this just wasn't gay chat....this was ads left by gay blokes to meet other guys for casual sex and other graphic messages.

i guess your just going to have to confront him about it....but it seems like he wants to keep it covered up so i guess he'll just spin u another tale. maybe the best thing to do is to check out what exactly he's looking at....if he really is bi or meeting other gays, then there should some trail of evidence somewhere if he hasn't covered it up already!

StormWarrior

I know one straight bloke who's checked out gay websites from curiosity and several straight girls who've checked out lesbian sites. It's not toally unheard of, but then it's not really that normal either. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and defo get him to show you his computer history files or whatever as proof. If there's a possibility that his sexuality is in doubt best to find out now, not a few years down the line when you get divorced and your kids are from a broken home.

cafecolour

polly_wolly wrote: »

He has no gay tendancies whatsoever and our sex life is almost too active!!

This is an odd one. In general, I'd say closeted gay men who are trying to 'fake it' with a female partner would try and avoid most sexual activity.

He could either be bi, he could be curious, or he could just be an attention whore - and found (not incorrectly), that he can get attention/flirt with gay men easier than with women, and may consider it 'safer' if he's hetero as he knows it won't lead to anything. This is what it sounds like he's claiming.

Having said that, let's take the 'gay' out of the equation. Let's say you found your fiance posting his profile on a dating site and chatting online with random women. Not necessarily the most reassuring for a future husband.

polly_wolly

Thanks all for replying. Ive had it out with him and Ive discovered through his computer that he didn't look at any gay porn and was actually chatting to guys on line about our relationship! Ive been ill recently and he said he didn't know who else to turn to to ask advice and gay guys are generally sensitive. So even though Im mad that he went to a gay site to chat instead of a hetro one, at least I know he's not trying to meet other guys.
Thanks for your honesty.

Liam Byrne

Boston wrote: »

The vast majority of straight men will be curious about homosexuality at some point in their life.

First I've ever heard of that, and if it's true - which I doubt - it obviously puts me into the minority! :eek:

OP - if it were the male-targetted half of a dating site (containing girls only) would you be asking the same questions as to his intentions, or would you just assume that he was looking to score ?

tolteq

polly_wolly wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I could really do with some advice. I am engaged since last November and we are really happy, but a couple of months ago I found my fiance on a gay website. When I confronted him he said he was just curious to see what it was all about. I was very uneasy about it and it took me a few weeks to stop obsessing about it. He swore he was not interested in men and it was just something he wanted to see out of interest. This afternoon I was on the computer to find something for work and I found in his history that he has been on gay chat a number of times. He says he just wants to talk to other guys about life in general and it's nothing to do with his sexuality.
Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any straight guys found themselves on gay sites out of interest? Id love to hear a guy's opinion on this. He has no gay tendancies whatsoever and our sex life is almost too active!!
Any advice greatly appreciated, Im very panicked!! Thanks.

Could he be bisexual? Do you ever catch him "looking" at other men?

Mr Benevolent

I personally wouldn't speak to a anonymous gay person online about my relationship. I'd talk to my girlfriend, or failing that my brother or sister or best friend or someone else. Actually he sounds like he's had time to invent an story... guys are great at far-fetched excuses.

I wouldn't bother being suspicious though - if there's a problem you'll notice it before long. He might be a bit bi, but he wouldn't be at all alone in that.

LegacyUser

Confab wrote: »

I personally wouldn't speak to a anonymous gay person online about my relationship. I'd talk to my girlfriend, or failing that my brother or sister or best friend or someone else.

Yes but isnt everyone on here talking anonymouse about their problems? i know this isnt a gay site but maybe her boyfriend doesnt know that much about forums? i am not saying this is the answer but its possible

RossFixxxed

If he doesn't know it's a gay site then there is something severly wrong with his brain. It's a bit odd, i'd have though it would be straight guys checking the lesbian sites!!

I'd be a little worried. Is he very covert online? Is there anything else in his history on that theme...? Does he ever check guys out?

If I wanted to make some more male friends a gay site doesn't seem the logical place to start tbh... That would be for dating really! And since there's so many 'maybefriends' type sites out there....

shellyboo

polly_wolly wrote: »

Thanks all for replying. Ive had it out with him and Ive discovered through his computer that he didn't look at any gay porn and was actually chatting to guys on line about our relationship! Ive been ill recently and he said he didn't know who else to turn to to ask advice and gay guys are generally sensitive. So even though Im mad that he went to a gay site to chat instead of a hetro one, at least I know he's not trying to meet other guys.
Thanks for your honesty.

Well, that's good news! I think that's totally harmless, tbh

Boston

Liam Byrne wrote: »

First I've ever heard of that, and if it's true - which I doubt - it obviously puts me into the minority! :eek:

Why would you "hear" about it. Are you the type of person other heterosexual lads are likely to disclose this information to?

RossFixxxed

That's.... good.... Still weird though. 'More sensitive'... what about women, and hetro blokes...?

Well all's well that ahem, ends well....

LegacyUser

Well, it depends on what kind of site it is.
Not sure if I'm allowed to mention names but if it's gay@ar then that's a sex hook-up site then you should be worried but if it's something like gaire then no. that's a forum that has gay, straight, bi whatever on there and the forum deals with all kinds of issues (many have nothing to do with sexuality).
so find out what kind of site it is first.

Liam Byrne

Boston wrote: »

Why would you "hear" about it. Are you the type of person other heterosexual lads are likely to disclose this information to?

It was your assumption, and my reply is fact.

But if you're going to query me like that, let me do the same :

Have YOU met the vast majority of heterosexual guys, or listened to them ?

Are you the type of person that most - actually, to quote yourself "the vast majority of..." - heterosexual guys (and we're talking on a global scale - not just those that you know) HAVE disclosed this to ?

Or was your assumption just off the top of your head ? If so why say "the vast majority..." ? If you'd said "some" or "a good few"....or even if you'd started your sentence with "I reckon...", then I'd probably have agreed with you or had no basis to query your post.

But based on what you posted, it seems to me like you have absolutely no basis for your posted-as-fact statement, so it's ironic for you to query me as to why I would "hear" anything, since you couldn't have "heard" or deduced anything to support what you said above.

Boston

Obviously it's based on the people I've encountered in my life. That is the basis for my statement. You have not answered my question. You doubt my assertion because you have not "hear" of it before, but I ask you, are you the type person likely to hear about it?. Do you have a frame of reference? Just because you have not heard about something does not make it false. Everything you know, at some point of time you did not know. Your ignorance is hardly justification for scepticism.

Also, it was not Ironic. It would have been Ironic if you ultimately turned out to be sexually ambivalent.

Liam Byrne

Boston wrote: »

Obviously it's based on the people I've encountered in my life. That is the basis for my statement.

Then you have no basis to say "the vast majority....", since you don't know. By all means, qualify it by saying that the vast majority of people you know, but don't make outrageous claims that you can't support.

Boston wrote: »

You have not answered my question. You doubt my assertion because you have not "hear" of it before, but I ask you, are you the type person likely to hear about it?

I doubted your assertion not because I haven't "heard" of what you described before (in individual terms), but because I haven't heard a claim of that magnitude before. And I reckon you can't make claims re the majority - let alone "the vast majority" of the male population without backing it up.

But to answer your question : if it were as common as you implied, then yes - I would be perfectly entitled to assume that I would have heard of it.

Remember : YOU made a claim that "the vast majority" of people think that way.....it's not like I claimed that no-one does, but it's up to you to support your claim that "the vast majority" does.

If I claimed "the vast majority" of people were 100% straight, you'd be entitled to query it.

Boston wrote: »

Just because you have not heard about something does not make it false. Everything you know, at some point of time you did not know.

True. And therein lies even more irony; since I might have encountered maybe one or two people who - if I chose to consider or dwell on such things - fit your earlier claim, then it follows that there are lots of people who don't.

So if you start encountering more people, then you might be less inclined to post what you posted earlier....i.e. you might learn that "the vast majority" was an inappropriate phrase.

Boston wrote: »

Your ignorance is hardly justification for scepticism.

And your experience is hardly justification for unfounded extrapolation as to "the vast majority" of the population.

You might as well have said that "the vast majority of people aren't - say - black" - if none of the "people [you]'ve encountered in [your] life" are.

And therefore you'd be wrong to extrapolate on that basis.

Boston wrote: »

Also, it was not Ironic. It would have been Ironic if you ultimately turned out to be sexually ambivalent.

It is ironic. You stated something that you now admit to be based on your experience, and implied it as a wider fact; I stated my exact experience and you quizzed me on it. That's ironic.

Boston

You still haven't answer my question. You stated that you had never head of something, and concluded that therefore it does not exist. I asked are you in a position to have ever heard about it in the first place? The fact you have three times refused to answer that question tells me you are not, that your assertion was merit-less.

Kinsey estimated that nearly 46% of the male population had engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities, or "reacted to" persons of both sexes, in the course of their adult lives.

He also found that 37% of males had at least one same sex experience to orgasm.

Since I include males who are simply "Do nothing", I think it was a perfectly valid assertion to say that the vast majority of males will be curious as some point in their life. Most of those will not act on it, however.

EastWallGirl

I heard that the research methods used by Kinsey and his team were not the best.

OP it sounds genuine. Last year I found a picture on our hard drive and it was the week I was away and I asked my husband to find out where it came from end of story, He said 'how?' I said 'I do not care, but please find out'. I think if you find something on the computer that changes the parameters of the relationship, you should be able to query it and if someone wants to experiment beyond the parameters of the relationship they need to tell you.

Happy ending, his mate visited and it was a girl he had been seeing.

Liam Byrne

Boston wrote: »

You still haven't answer my question. You stated that you had never head of something, and concluded that therefore it does not exist.

AGAIN you're incorrect. I NEVER claimed that "it does not exist" :rolleyes:

FFS, I actually said that the word "some" would be appropriate and reckoned that I knew one or two cases personally!

So I haven't a notion where you got the idea that I said it didn't exist!

What I stated was that I had not heard the claim (or any evidence) that "the vast majority of heterosexuals" were curious.

Boston wrote: »

I asked are you in a position to have ever heard about it in the first place? The fact you have three times refused to answer that question tells me you are not, that your assertion was merit-less.

My assertion was 100% truth. Yours was not.

Boston wrote: »

Kinsey estimated that nearly 46% of the male population had engaged.....or "reacted to" persons of both sexes, in the course of their adult lives.

OK, so we're on 46%.....seems high to me, but let's assume that Kinsey's estimate is bang-on, and so we have 46%....

Hang on....no we haven't, because if that's 46% of the male population then that 46% INCLUDES gay men and bisexuals.

And YOU said that :

Boston wrote: »

The vast majority of straight men will be curious about homosexuality at some point in their life.

So that 46% is irrelevant, unless you find a figure for the number of people who are gay or bi (usually taken as being 10% - 15%, but the general view is that perceptions re discrimination keep that low) and so of that 46% that you quoted, only approx 30% - 35% (i.e. one-third) would be heterosexual.

Boston wrote: »

He also found that 37% of males had at least one same sex experience to orgasm.

WTF ? Completely irrelevant to the discussion. Those 37% include gay and bisexuals and are already included in the figure that you quoted earlier.

Boston wrote: »

Since I include males who are simply "Do nothing", I think it was a perfectly valid assertion to say that the vast majority of males will be curious as some point in their life. Most of those will not act on it, however.

And therein lies my major problem with your claim (an "assertion" has a basis in fact), as you have absolutely no basis on which to determine how many of the remaining two-thirds are "curious".

It probably isn't 0%, since I'll agree that there will be curious people who don't act on their "curiosity", particularly on a relatively major one like this, but it could be 5%, or even 10%.....

But it would need to be ANOTHER 20% to give you a bare majority @ 50 - 55%, nowhere NEAR a "vast majority".

We're going WAY off-topic, but the fact is that unless you supply a figure for those "who are simply do nothing", you cannot claim as fact any more than 33% of the heterosexual population based on the figures you provided.

And until you come up with proof of an actual figure to make up another 50% to bring your total to over 80%, you simply CANNOT claim that "the vast majority" is "curious".

RossFixxxed

Woah, put down the handbags and take your own pedantic arguments outside of this PI! OP if you are happy with what you have seen etc, then that's a relief! I hope things work out!

Boston

Your maths is flawed. You still haven't answered my question.

Liam Byrne

Ah, forget it - I've better things to do than point out facts and figures to someone who chooses to ignore them, spout rubbish and chooses to skew my earlier statement.....as Ross said (and I said earlier too) we're going WAY off topic.....

My final word on this is :

I don't need to answer your question, because your question accuses me of a statement that I never made.

And the maths is spot-on for anyone who cares to read the facts; 46% - (10%-15%) = approx 33%, which is MILES away from the minimum 80% required for a "vast majority".


Anyway, OP - despite claims to the contrary, SOME hetero males may be curious, but IMHO most aren't.

While it appears from your later posts that your partner isn't curious, his behaviour and explanation are certainly a little odd, since most people would look elsewhere for relevant advice from people with experience of similar things (although that said, people do go to priests for marraige counselling ).

So maybe it's something to keep an eye on, because I wouldn't be convinced by his story.

Best of luck!

Silverfish

Boston and Liam Byrne, this is the end of it.

Thanks.

polly_wolly

No I honestly don't think he is bi. When he explained why he did it, it kind of made sense. He's a typical guy with typical male friends. Ive had some personal illness issues and it's freaked him out a bit. He didn't want to tell his friends because they wouldn't be the most sensitive or good for advice. He said if his friends came to him for advice on a serious matter he'd probably be rubbish too- he's not the sensitive type! So he wanted to talk to someone who might guide him without laughing it off.
As I said he has no gay tendancies and is sex mad! So it makes sense after all:)

Boston

I wasn't saying he was Bi. The vast majority of straight men will be curious about homosexuality at some point in their life. Most won't "Do" anything but rather they'll shrug it off and eventually not care, some will pick the brains of their gay friends (or chat on-line if they have none), download abit of gay porn maybe or kiss anther guy. A few may even sleep with another man. The fact remains that most of these guys will be straight.

As an aside, he'd probably thought you'd be more comfortable with him talking to Gay guys rather then possibly straight women about your relationship, i.e. you wouldn't see them as a threat.

polly_wolly

Thats exactly what he said. He told me I know him well enough to know he isn't gay so chatting to gay guys is a non-threatening action, whereas if I found him chatting on-line to girls......different story.
I totally jumped to conclusions at first but thankfully this makes a whole lot more sense. And he guy he was talking to actually gave him great advice about our relationship so in hindsight it was kinda worth it:o

Liam Byrne

As long as you're happy, Polly - that's all that counts.

Glad you got it sorted.

:cool:

LegacyUser

Polly...what was the site that was used?

Why wouldn’t he talk to his family? To people in work?

I know a guy who was engaged too. He was also logging onto gay chat sites, and ultimately hooking up with men. His girlfriend didn’t have the faintest idea.

He got married last summer, and he's still logging onto the same site. Sometimes, people are just very good liars.

Boston

sounds fishy wrote: »

Polly...what was the site that was used?

Why wouldn’t he talk to his family? To people in work?

I know a guy who was engaged too. He was also logging onto gay chat sites, and ultimately hooking up with men. His girlfriend didn’t have the faintest idea.

He got married last summer, and he's still logging onto the same site. Sometimes, people are just very good liars.

Maybe he doesn't want to bring his personal life into the work place? Maybe he's not close to his family? Why would that be odd.

Zaph

Boston wrote: »

I wasn't saying he was Bi. The vast majority of straight men will be curious about homosexuality at some point in their life. Most won't "Do" anything but rather they'll shrug it off and eventually not care, some will pick the brains of their gay friends (or chat on-line if they have none), download abit of gay porn maybe or kiss anther guy. A few may even sleep with another man. The fact remains that most of these guys will be straight.

As an aside, he'd probably thought you'd be more comfortable with him talking to Gay guys rather then possibly straight women about your relationship, i.e. you wouldn't see them as a threat.

Boston, Silverfish already requested to desist from that line of discussion and yet you repeat your earlier post almost verbatim. Infracted for ignoring mod instruction.

LegacyUser

My friend discovered her fiance was having gay chats. It really shocked and upset her. He came up with some story about having a high sex drive and having done all the regular stuff and agreed to never do it again. So far all good but I know the doubt will always be in her mind. But some people (her fiance?) are very good at compartmentalising and maybe thats ok. I think thats what she's chosen. Your bfs story doesn't sound very likely tbh, though of course you know him. (?)

I've been with guys before who told me they've been with men (and are over it) and that was ok with me. Though a friend of mine was led on by an actively bi bf for two years and found out the truth by accident. Honesty is the main thing here. Let him know its ok for him to be honest with you, though he may find that very difficult. And then work out what you can accept.