Bullying

LegacyUser

I would be very grateful for the opinions of people who have been bullied or people who may have been bullies when they were in school.

My daughter is 11 and is being bullied in school. She will not go into yard at break anymore, instead she minds the babies. I think there are a few ringleaders but it seems the whole class joins in. She is slagged a lot, and is isolated by most of the class. She cries about it most evenings, and is really down about it. However she does not want me to go to teachers about it as she says the kids will hate her more.

Pls any advice on how to deal would be welcome, I'm worried sick that my lovely girl will lose all self'confidence.

LegacyUser

What are they bullying her about? Is there something specific, or is it just that she's been unlucky enough to be the one they gang up on?

star-pants

I'm very sorry to hear that - it is a very awkward position to be in (you). And horrible for your daughter. I'm afraid I've no advice as such but perhaps in the Parenting forum there might be more people with advice or experience.

Persiancowboy

An incident like that took place in my 11 year old daughter's class last year. A group of girls decided to pick on one particular girl for no apparent reason. This group was led by what they call a number of "strong personalities" - a euphemism for spoilt brats.

The parents of the girl being bullied went to the school. After lodging their complaint the parents of the bullies were all summoned to the school and warned about the conduct of their daughters. The "victim" was offered a transfer to another class but decided to remain where she was. I know her parents - they were seriously considering moving her to another school but decided to give it one more go. Things have greatly improved now and the clique that was involved in the bullying seems to have broken up.

You really cannot allow your daughter's situation to go on indefinitely. I would strongly advise you to contact her teacher or school principal to make them aware of what is going on. Schools have a duty of care to all their pupils and are obliged to act when matters of this kind are brought to their attention.

Best of luck.

bluecell99

This happened my eleven year old nephew recently.Similar to the previous posters story his mother went to the school principal.He telephoned the parents and met them in the school with the bullies.The parents had no idea what little Johnny co were up to.

It was made clear in no uncertain terms that if it did not stop immediately the young fellas wouldbe expelled,the Department of Education informed and their future acceptance into another school could not be guaranteed.

Seems to have done the trick.Nephew is happy out again.Seems they were picking on his ability in maths which apparently is very high and he takes it in his stride.

Botton line is act decisively and make sure it is taken very ,very seriously by these public servants in the school.

Hippo

You must go to the principal/relevant teachers immediately. You will be amazed how effective this can be. But please act soon, this is making your daughter's life a misery.

ecdl07

Tell her to stand up to the bullies no I don't mean hit them I mean go out into the yard and talk to friends and if they go near her tell her to laugh in their face! I'm still in school and every time somebody has told a teacher the bullying has got wrose!

b12mearse

It's very sad to hear but I think she must learn to to deal with it herself. By all means you can give her all the advice and encouragement she needs. But its times like these that shape our direction in life and how we deal with such problems. Its all about learning.
She might be giving people reasons to bully her. She needs to look inside herself. Maybe people feel threatened by her.
You need to look into more.

Kimia

How would she be 'making' someone bully her? That's crazy!

It's an awful situation. I agree somewhat with the above, in the sense that she will have to learn how to deal with bullies at some stage in her life. However, if she's miserable and alone you have to step in.

Why don't you ask her exactly what happens when they bully her? And if it can be solved with her standing up for herself well and good. If not and she's terrified to deal with them (I can imagine - I remember being a young girl!) then step in.

i hate bullies!!

b12mearse

Kimia wrote: »

How would she be 'making' someone bully her? That's crazy!

It's an awful situation. I agree somewhat with the above, in the sense that she will have to learn how to deal with bullies at some stage in her life. However, if she's miserable and alone you have to step in.

Why don't you ask her exactly what happens when they bully her? And if it can be solved with her standing up for herself well and good. If not and she's terrified to deal with them (I can imagine - I remember being a young girl!) then step in.

i hate bullies!!

I never said 'making'. I said she might be giving people reasons to bully her.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but thats utter twaddle b12mearse, no 11 year old should have to stand up to a gang of bullies. No one should have to put up with any sort of abusive behaviour in their dayly life. If someone was getting bullied in a working environment it would be the boss's responsability to deal with the problem NOT the victims. No adult would be told to suck it up and face up to bullying and abuse. If an adult is not expeted do this, why would we expect an 11 year old to be able to do the same?!

Go straight to the headmaster with this, there the only person who can sort this out really.

This aint the good ole days where kids would get a bit of name calling, be told to buck up by the only people they can trust and then face down the bullies and maybe make friends and the bully buys them a cherry soda. This kind of thing destroys kids if its given a chance to.

Hippo

b12mearse wrote: »

It's very sad to hear but I think she must learn to to deal with it herself. By all means you can give her all the advice and encouragement she needs. But its times like these that shape our direction in life and how we deal with such problems. Its all about learning.
She might be giving people reasons to bully her. She needs to look inside herself. Maybe people feel threatened by her.
You need to look into more.

This is, no offence, complete rubbish. You cannot expect that a child can necessarily stand up for herself under every circumstance. 'She may be giving people reasons to bully her'. Unbelievable nonsense.

johnathan woss

b12mearse wrote: »

I never said 'making'. I said she might be giving people reasons to bully her.

Reasons such as? ...

Standing out?
Being good at maths?
Having a gift for music or art ?

Edited cause I was a bit annoyed :pac:

But I don't see how an 11 year old could give valid "reasons" to be bullied, honestly.

allandanyways

Get a teacher involved to keep an eye on your daughter in school, and if the girls who are bullying her used to be her friends (i.e. you used to talk to their mothers) PERHAPS have a word with them and see if they can sort out their own daughters' behaviours.

I was bullied something horrendus when I think back on it now, the girls used to spit on me as they went to the bin and leave notes in my cubbyhole saying everyone hated me and that they wished I would die. They used to ring my house phone and ask for me in a friendly voice and then scream abuse at me. Do not underestimate how absolutley horrible and coniving children as young as 10 can be.

You need to tackle this problem NOW before it gets any worse, the children will not stop unless an adult gets involved. I tried to stand up for myself and it wasnt until the girls cut a chunk out of my hair and tried to set fire to the hood of my jacket that I had to get my mam to talk to the teacher and the other mams.

It is NOT something an 11 year old should have to go to, and in all honesty, I cannot understand why teachers cant see some of the carry on that these bullies go on with, even the isolation element. I know this is a bitter perspective on things, but bullying, even in cases not as extreme as mine, can have long lasting effects well into adulthood and I just couldn't bear the thought of my youngest sister (who is 11) having to go through what I went through. Children of 11, in most cases, will NOT stand up for themselves for fear of further rejection.

OP, GET INVOLVED, find out exactly who is bullying her and get the teacher and other parents involved and sort these brats out before it gets any worse.

b12mearse

I'm just basing my opinion on experience.

LegacyUser

could you try and get her to join a drama group or youth club? I read somewhere that if you are getting and get good at something eg music or sports it helps because it make the other kids look up them

LegacyUser

OP - I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. This is one of the worse things that can happen to any child. It is very hard on the parents too as they feel helpless. I really do feel for you all.

I was bullied very badly when I was about your daughters age. My parents stepping and spoke to the headmaster and this did not help me at all. To be honest it made it worse for me. My headmaster spoke to the whole class about it and it only made things worse.

My mother spoke to one of the bullies mothers and that helped for about 2 days and then it got worse again.

I think if you are going to the headmaster you need to make sure they speak to the parents and make it very clear that there is a risk of expulsion. If the headmaster is not willing to do this I would ask that they do nothing (it could make it worse).

If all else fails I would suggest you move your daughter to another school where she can make new friends.

b12mearse - this is an 11 year old girl - regardless of what she has done/said or what reasons she has given them. They have no right to bully her or have her in tears every evening. Grow up it is attitudes like this that allow bullys to exist in this world

Hippo

b12mearse wrote: »

I'm just basing my opinion on experience.

I'd say most of us are on this thread.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all your replies.

Well my daughter started crying again yesterday evening when I asked her how school went. Only 2 kids are allowed to go and help mind the junio infants, and 2 other girls decided she wasn't going to do it. She has been using this as her safe haven up til now. So she was back in the yard, and was again left totally isolated, no-one would play with her.

Ther is a ringleader, and the rest of the class are following his lead I think. It is mostly slagging and then isolation.

She joined this school over a year ago as we had moved house, so I dont know about moving school again.

I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

silverharp

Ensure that your daughter has a good social life outside of school , it will put things in perspective for her and will help her come to the obvious conclusion that the problem is with them and not her. Based on her interests get her involved in local clubs etc. , with the summer coming up get into some summer camps if possible.

I cant imagine that the whole class is picking on her so maybe organise a couple of outings for her to invite some of her classmates to , bowling etc.

All this in tandam with the formal routes suggested by other posters.

bullpost

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thanks for all your replies.



I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

You would need to be very careful here. If this happens without the teachers being aware there is a problem, it could backfire on your child and make it difficult to identify the bullies.
To me it sounds like its so bad for your child that involving the teachers confidentially is the only way to go - as a previous poster pointed out, they have a duty of care towards the pupils.

LegacyUser

bullpost wrote: »

You would need to be very careful here. If this happens without the teachers being aware there is a problem, it could backfire on your child and make it difficult to identify the bullies.
To me it sounds like its so bad for your child that involving the teachers confidentially is the only way to go - as a previous poster pointed out, they have a duty of care towards the pupils.

Yes in an ideal world it should be handled by the school, they have their anti-bullying policy and on paper it looks great. Unfortunately the reality is not always so good, as previous posters pointed out. Of course I would go to the teachers and ask them to treat confidentially but my daughter insists that even if they were all given a talk on bullying they class would think it cam from her. Maybe anxiety has clouded her vision but thats the way she sees it. I should point out its a very school, just one class per year.

LegacyUser

OP - I would suggest you try to ask some of the "non ring leaders" over for some fun. Cinema and mc Donalds, Sleep Over, bowling, etc

Make it as fun as possible for them. Let her try to build some friendships with these other people. SOme of them are probably very nice but just afraid if they sand up to the ring leader they will be bullied next.

After she has made one or two friends inform the teacher of what went on and ask them to keep an eye on her. Tell them not to do anything to single her out or draw ateenetion to it but just to be aware this happened and to watch for signs of it happening again. Then if she is fistey enough tell her if the bully is mean to her again to stick up for herself. she will have some friends and confidence at this stage. I didn't stand up to my bully and it is something I regret to this day.

Help her make the friends first even if you have to arrange something every week for the next number of weeks.

LegacyUser

Hey OP so sorry to hear about your daugther. Bullying is something that I feel stongly about because I experienced it when I was your daugthers age.

I was bullied at the end of primary school and tbh it effected me throughout secondary school. My confidence was absolutely crushed, I had no self-belief and very low self-esteem. If you don't deal with this properly OP it's just going to get worse and the worse it gets the more it will effect your daughter. I would hate for anyone else to feel the way I was made feel. The bullying was bad enough, but looking back now about 10 years later, I suffered an awful amount and even though I wasn't bullied in secondary school, the bullying previously still had an enourmous effect on me.

Sorry I don't mean to scare you. But I just feel it's important thet you're more pro-active than reactive. I was the same as your daugther I pleaded with my Mum not to go into the school and tell my teacher. But things got so bad that I realised things couldn't get any worse and that teling the teacher was the best thing. In the end the teacher had a word with my bully. Now the situation wasn't 100% great after but it certaintly had improved. My bully said she didn't realise what she was saying/doing was so bad and didn't realise the way she made me feel.

Communication i key so keep talking a lo to your daugther, maybe get her to write a dairy everyday and she can report what happened each day (I wish I would have done this) and this might sound a bit brash but getting her talking to a physcologist will do no harm. Make sure and tell her that her bully/ies are insecure and jealous. They pick up on tiny things to do with the way you act and make them worse the rest of th class are obviously just going along with it.

Maybe get her to read some of these replies. I am a happy person now with my confidence back, please don't let these children spoil your childs childhood.

Best of luck. Report back, I'll be thinking of you.

bullpost

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes in an ideal world it should be handled by the school, they have their anti-bullying policy and on paper it looks great. Unfortunately the reality is not always so good, as previous posters pointed out. Of course I would go to the teachers and ask them to treat confidentially but my daughter insists that even if they were all given a talk on bullying they class would think it cam from her. Maybe anxiety has clouded her vision but thats the way she sees it. I should point out its a very school, just one class per year.

But surely it is best to approach them and put your trust in them rather than not doing so based on the fear that they might not solve this problem. After all your entrust them with your childs safety each day.
If they fail to act or solve the problem satisfactorily then at least you can assess whether its a suitable school to send your child in future.

Hippo

You have to try and take the pressure off your poor daughter. I don't think it's a good idea, as another poster suggested, to invite some of the kids over and disarm them that way, that's just putting the responsibility on her shoulders to 'get on with them' and I don't think she should be put in that position. Talk in confidence to the teachers first.

b12mearse

Read the story of Richard Kulinsky, he was bullied in school. He dealt with the problem quite sufficiently.

johnathan woss

IMO an 11 year old boy who orchestrates bullying against an 11 year old girl like that is a complete and utter coward.

I am not a parent but if I was and I found out that my 11 year old lad was leading the bullying against an 11 year old girl who had only been in the school a year I would be unspeakably ashamed.

Nevyn

b12mearse banned for advocating murder.

John Mason

look, you need to go the school.

times have changed and schools are terrified of being sued over this type of thing

for your daughters safety you need to tell the school. what happens if she suddenly snapes and belts one of the other kids ? she will be the one branded the bully and may be expelled, you will not get her in to another school

allowing your child to deal with this crap on a daily basis is an absolute disgrace.

LegacyUser

I was bullied horribly at this age as well and it ruined my teenage years to an extant.

I don't have kids but I'd like to believe schools are better nowadays so you should approach.

And work on the social angle with her. I saw a programme where adults were doing bullying roleplays with bullied kids, to show them and encourage them to give a smart answer. Also try to foster friendships, even one other friend and ally in the classroom is all she needs. And make sure she meets other kids through extra carricular stuff.

Be careful that she doesn't take on your anxiety about this too. She make get more upset about your emotions and clam up to save your feelings. Thats what I did unfortunately.