Bullying

LegacyUser

I would be very grateful for the opinions of people who have been bullied or people who may have been bullies when they were in school.

My daughter is 11 and is being bullied in school. She will not go into yard at break anymore, instead she minds the babies. I think there are a few ringleaders but it seems the whole class joins in. She is slagged a lot, and is isolated by most of the class. She cries about it most evenings, and is really down about it. However she does not want me to go to teachers about it as she says the kids will hate her more.

Pls any advice on how to deal would be welcome, I'm worried sick that my lovely girl will lose all self'confidence.

LegacyUser

What are they bullying her about? Is there something specific, or is it just that she's been unlucky enough to be the one they gang up on?

star-pants

I'm very sorry to hear that - it is a very awkward position to be in (you). And horrible for your daughter. I'm afraid I've no advice as such but perhaps in the Parenting forum there might be more people with advice or experience.

Persiancowboy

An incident like that took place in my 11 year old daughter's class last year. A group of girls decided to pick on one particular girl for no apparent reason. This group was led by what they call a number of "strong personalities" - a euphemism for spoilt brats.

The parents of the girl being bullied went to the school. After lodging their complaint the parents of the bullies were all summoned to the school and warned about the conduct of their daughters. The "victim" was offered a transfer to another class but decided to remain where she was. I know her parents - they were seriously considering moving her to another school but decided to give it one more go. Things have greatly improved now and the clique that was involved in the bullying seems to have broken up.

You really cannot allow your daughter's situation to go on indefinitely. I would strongly advise you to contact her teacher or school principal to make them aware of what is going on. Schools have a duty of care to all their pupils and are obliged to act when matters of this kind are brought to their attention.

Best of luck.

bluecell99

This happened my eleven year old nephew recently.Similar to the previous posters story his mother went to the school principal.He telephoned the parents and met them in the school with the bullies.The parents had no idea what little Johnny co were up to.

It was made clear in no uncertain terms that if it did not stop immediately the young fellas wouldbe expelled,the Department of Education informed and their future acceptance into another school could not be guaranteed.

Seems to have done the trick.Nephew is happy out again.Seems they were picking on his ability in maths which apparently is very high and he takes it in his stride.

Botton line is act decisively and make sure it is taken very ,very seriously by these public servants in the school.

Hippo

You must go to the principal/relevant teachers immediately. You will be amazed how effective this can be. But please act soon, this is making your daughter's life a misery.

ecdl07

Tell her to stand up to the bullies no I don't mean hit them I mean go out into the yard and talk to friends and if they go near her tell her to laugh in their face! I'm still in school and every time somebody has told a teacher the bullying has got wrose!

b12mearse

It's very sad to hear but I think she must learn to to deal with it herself. By all means you can give her all the advice and encouragement she needs. But its times like these that shape our direction in life and how we deal with such problems. Its all about learning.
She might be giving people reasons to bully her. She needs to look inside herself. Maybe people feel threatened by her.
You need to look into more.

Kimia

How would she be 'making' someone bully her? That's crazy!

It's an awful situation. I agree somewhat with the above, in the sense that she will have to learn how to deal with bullies at some stage in her life. However, if she's miserable and alone you have to step in.

Why don't you ask her exactly what happens when they bully her? And if it can be solved with her standing up for herself well and good. If not and she's terrified to deal with them (I can imagine - I remember being a young girl!) then step in.

i hate bullies!!

b12mearse

Kimia wrote: »

How would she be 'making' someone bully her? That's crazy!

It's an awful situation. I agree somewhat with the above, in the sense that she will have to learn how to deal with bullies at some stage in her life. However, if she's miserable and alone you have to step in.

Why don't you ask her exactly what happens when they bully her? And if it can be solved with her standing up for herself well and good. If not and she's terrified to deal with them (I can imagine - I remember being a young girl!) then step in.

i hate bullies!!

I never said 'making'. I said she might be giving people reasons to bully her.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but thats utter twaddle b12mearse, no 11 year old should have to stand up to a gang of bullies. No one should have to put up with any sort of abusive behaviour in their dayly life. If someone was getting bullied in a working environment it would be the boss's responsability to deal with the problem NOT the victims. No adult would be told to suck it up and face up to bullying and abuse. If an adult is not expeted do this, why would we expect an 11 year old to be able to do the same?!

Go straight to the headmaster with this, there the only person who can sort this out really.

This aint the good ole days where kids would get a bit of name calling, be told to buck up by the only people they can trust and then face down the bullies and maybe make friends and the bully buys them a cherry soda. This kind of thing destroys kids if its given a chance to.

Hippo

b12mearse wrote: »

It's very sad to hear but I think she must learn to to deal with it herself. By all means you can give her all the advice and encouragement she needs. But its times like these that shape our direction in life and how we deal with such problems. Its all about learning.
She might be giving people reasons to bully her. She needs to look inside herself. Maybe people feel threatened by her.
You need to look into more.

This is, no offence, complete rubbish. You cannot expect that a child can necessarily stand up for herself under every circumstance. 'She may be giving people reasons to bully her'. Unbelievable nonsense.

johnathan woss

b12mearse wrote: »

I never said 'making'. I said she might be giving people reasons to bully her.

Reasons such as? ...

Standing out?
Being good at maths?
Having a gift for music or art ?

Edited cause I was a bit annoyed :pac:

But I don't see how an 11 year old could give valid "reasons" to be bullied, honestly.

allandanyways

Get a teacher involved to keep an eye on your daughter in school, and if the girls who are bullying her used to be her friends (i.e. you used to talk to their mothers) PERHAPS have a word with them and see if they can sort out their own daughters' behaviours.

I was bullied something horrendus when I think back on it now, the girls used to spit on me as they went to the bin and leave notes in my cubbyhole saying everyone hated me and that they wished I would die. They used to ring my house phone and ask for me in a friendly voice and then scream abuse at me. Do not underestimate how absolutley horrible and coniving children as young as 10 can be.

You need to tackle this problem NOW before it gets any worse, the children will not stop unless an adult gets involved. I tried to stand up for myself and it wasnt until the girls cut a chunk out of my hair and tried to set fire to the hood of my jacket that I had to get my mam to talk to the teacher and the other mams.

It is NOT something an 11 year old should have to go to, and in all honesty, I cannot understand why teachers cant see some of the carry on that these bullies go on with, even the isolation element. I know this is a bitter perspective on things, but bullying, even in cases not as extreme as mine, can have long lasting effects well into adulthood and I just couldn't bear the thought of my youngest sister (who is 11) having to go through what I went through. Children of 11, in most cases, will NOT stand up for themselves for fear of further rejection.

OP, GET INVOLVED, find out exactly who is bullying her and get the teacher and other parents involved and sort these brats out before it gets any worse.

b12mearse

I'm just basing my opinion on experience.

LegacyUser

could you try and get her to join a drama group or youth club? I read somewhere that if you are getting and get good at something eg music or sports it helps because it make the other kids look up them

LegacyUser

OP - I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. This is one of the worse things that can happen to any child. It is very hard on the parents too as they feel helpless. I really do feel for you all.

I was bullied very badly when I was about your daughters age. My parents stepping and spoke to the headmaster and this did not help me at all. To be honest it made it worse for me. My headmaster spoke to the whole class about it and it only made things worse.

My mother spoke to one of the bullies mothers and that helped for about 2 days and then it got worse again.

I think if you are going to the headmaster you need to make sure they speak to the parents and make it very clear that there is a risk of expulsion. If the headmaster is not willing to do this I would ask that they do nothing (it could make it worse).

If all else fails I would suggest you move your daughter to another school where she can make new friends.

b12mearse - this is an 11 year old girl - regardless of what she has done/said or what reasons she has given them. They have no right to bully her or have her in tears every evening. Grow up it is attitudes like this that allow bullys to exist in this world

Hippo

b12mearse wrote: »

I'm just basing my opinion on experience.

I'd say most of us are on this thread.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all your replies.

Well my daughter started crying again yesterday evening when I asked her how school went. Only 2 kids are allowed to go and help mind the junio infants, and 2 other girls decided she wasn't going to do it. She has been using this as her safe haven up til now. So she was back in the yard, and was again left totally isolated, no-one would play with her.

Ther is a ringleader, and the rest of the class are following his lead I think. It is mostly slagging and then isolation.

She joined this school over a year ago as we had moved house, so I dont know about moving school again.

I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

silverharp

Ensure that your daughter has a good social life outside of school , it will put things in perspective for her and will help her come to the obvious conclusion that the problem is with them and not her. Based on her interests get her involved in local clubs etc. , with the summer coming up get into some summer camps if possible.

I cant imagine that the whole class is picking on her so maybe organise a couple of outings for her to invite some of her classmates to , bowling etc.

All this in tandam with the formal routes suggested by other posters.

bullpost

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thanks for all your replies.



I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

You would need to be very careful here. If this happens without the teachers being aware there is a problem, it could backfire on your child and make it difficult to identify the bullies.
To me it sounds like its so bad for your child that involving the teachers confidentially is the only way to go - as a previous poster pointed out, they have a duty of care towards the pupils.

LegacyUser

bullpost wrote: »

You would need to be very careful here. If this happens without the teachers being aware there is a problem, it could backfire on your child and make it difficult to identify the bullies.
To me it sounds like its so bad for your child that involving the teachers confidentially is the only way to go - as a previous poster pointed out, they have a duty of care towards the pupils.

Yes in an ideal world it should be handled by the school, they have their anti-bullying policy and on paper it looks great. Unfortunately the reality is not always so good, as previous posters pointed out. Of course I would go to the teachers and ask them to treat confidentially but my daughter insists that even if they were all given a talk on bullying they class would think it cam from her. Maybe anxiety has clouded her vision but thats the way she sees it. I should point out its a very school, just one class per year.

LegacyUser

OP - I would suggest you try to ask some of the "non ring leaders" over for some fun. Cinema and mc Donalds, Sleep Over, bowling, etc

Make it as fun as possible for them. Let her try to build some friendships with these other people. SOme of them are probably very nice but just afraid if they sand up to the ring leader they will be bullied next.

After she has made one or two friends inform the teacher of what went on and ask them to keep an eye on her. Tell them not to do anything to single her out or draw ateenetion to it but just to be aware this happened and to watch for signs of it happening again. Then if she is fistey enough tell her if the bully is mean to her again to stick up for herself. she will have some friends and confidence at this stage. I didn't stand up to my bully and it is something I regret to this day.

Help her make the friends first even if you have to arrange something every week for the next number of weeks.

LegacyUser

Hey OP so sorry to hear about your daugther. Bullying is something that I feel stongly about because I experienced it when I was your daugthers age.

I was bullied at the end of primary school and tbh it effected me throughout secondary school. My confidence was absolutely crushed, I had no self-belief and very low self-esteem. If you don't deal with this properly OP it's just going to get worse and the worse it gets the more it will effect your daughter. I would hate for anyone else to feel the way I was made feel. The bullying was bad enough, but looking back now about 10 years later, I suffered an awful amount and even though I wasn't bullied in secondary school, the bullying previously still had an enourmous effect on me.

Sorry I don't mean to scare you. But I just feel it's important thet you're more pro-active than reactive. I was the same as your daugther I pleaded with my Mum not to go into the school and tell my teacher. But things got so bad that I realised things couldn't get any worse and that teling the teacher was the best thing. In the end the teacher had a word with my bully. Now the situation wasn't 100% great after but it certaintly had improved. My bully said she didn't realise what she was saying/doing was so bad and didn't realise the way she made me feel.

Communication i key so keep talking a lo to your daugther, maybe get her to write a dairy everyday and she can report what happened each day (I wish I would have done this) and this might sound a bit brash but getting her talking to a physcologist will do no harm. Make sure and tell her that her bully/ies are insecure and jealous. They pick up on tiny things to do with the way you act and make them worse the rest of th class are obviously just going along with it.

Maybe get her to read some of these replies. I am a happy person now with my confidence back, please don't let these children spoil your childs childhood.

Best of luck. Report back, I'll be thinking of you.

bullpost

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes in an ideal world it should be handled by the school, they have their anti-bullying policy and on paper it looks great. Unfortunately the reality is not always so good, as previous posters pointed out. Of course I would go to the teachers and ask them to treat confidentially but my daughter insists that even if they were all given a talk on bullying they class would think it cam from her. Maybe anxiety has clouded her vision but thats the way she sees it. I should point out its a very school, just one class per year.

But surely it is best to approach them and put your trust in them rather than not doing so based on the fear that they might not solve this problem. After all your entrust them with your childs safety each day.
If they fail to act or solve the problem satisfactorily then at least you can assess whether its a suitable school to send your child in future.

Hippo

You have to try and take the pressure off your poor daughter. I don't think it's a good idea, as another poster suggested, to invite some of the kids over and disarm them that way, that's just putting the responsibility on her shoulders to 'get on with them' and I don't think she should be put in that position. Talk in confidence to the teachers first.

b12mearse

Read the story of Richard Kulinsky, he was bullied in school. He dealt with the problem quite sufficiently.

johnathan woss

IMO an 11 year old boy who orchestrates bullying against an 11 year old girl like that is a complete and utter coward.

I am not a parent but if I was and I found out that my 11 year old lad was leading the bullying against an 11 year old girl who had only been in the school a year I would be unspeakably ashamed.

Nevyn

b12mearse banned for advocating murder.

John Mason

look, you need to go the school.

times have changed and schools are terrified of being sued over this type of thing

for your daughters safety you need to tell the school. what happens if she suddenly snapes and belts one of the other kids ? she will be the one branded the bully and may be expelled, you will not get her in to another school

allowing your child to deal with this crap on a daily basis is an absolute disgrace.

LegacyUser

I was bullied horribly at this age as well and it ruined my teenage years to an extant.

I don't have kids but I'd like to believe schools are better nowadays so you should approach.

And work on the social angle with her. I saw a programme where adults were doing bullying roleplays with bullied kids, to show them and encourage them to give a smart answer. Also try to foster friendships, even one other friend and ally in the classroom is all she needs. And make sure she meets other kids through extra carricular stuff.

Be careful that she doesn't take on your anxiety about this too. She make get more upset about your emotions and clam up to save your feelings. Thats what I did unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thanks for all your replies.
I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

OP, you are advocating your 11 year old resorts to violence instead of taking this to the teachers??? Im sorry I see your desperation but she cant, cant do that. Why would you risk your child getting in trouble instead of informing the school shes the victim. Help your child, dont make it worse for her.

I was bullied horribly in school and telling doesnt make it worse. Its the oldest advice in the book but you have to call the bully's bluff!!! If they get in trouble they'll know your child is not an easy target and not worth the hassle of giving grief to, they're not getting anything out of it.
I work in a school, and Ive seen their anti bullying policy and I know this sort of thing is handled better these days. To be honest you just have to put your faith in the school.

I feel for you, I really do, bullying is heartbreaking but try the school. Tell them your fears of retribution for going to them, talk to them. They arent going to want this to continue anymore than you. If it was a child in my class, Id want to do everything I could as best I could to sort it out.

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

I would be very grateful for the opinions of people who have been bullied or people who may have been bullies when they were in school.

My daughter is 11 and is being bullied in school. She will not go into yard at break anymore, instead she minds the babies. I think there are a few ringleaders but it seems the whole class joins in. She is slagged a lot, and is isolated by most of the class. She cries about it most evenings, and is really down about it. However she does not want me to go to teachers about it as she says the kids will hate her more.

Pls any advice on how to deal would be welcome, I'm worried sick that my lovely girl will lose all self'confidence.

I have just seen this...

Almost 40 years ago the same thing happened to me...at the same age...

On two seperate occasions, the whole school - 500 kids, formed a mob to taunt me...

After which the school had to let me stay in the classroom at break.

I was very smart, very tall, and a bit different...and people can be very cruel to anyone who is different.

Given 40 years to think about it, I still can't see what I could have done to avoid, or stop it...except be a totally different person...

She is very wise to choose to stay and mind the babies...but she really needs to truly stand up for herself...

...and that means not just hurting but getting GOOD AND MAD enough to want you to tell the teachers and get these spiteful children brought to account...

Not because it will stop the bullies, it may not, but to get her used to EXPECTING, and DEMANDING, the same rights, and treatment as anyone else...

My heart, honestly, goes out to her...

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, thanks for all your replies.

Well my daughter started crying again yesterday evening when I asked her how school went. Only 2 kids are allowed to go and help mind the junio infants, and 2 other girls decided she wasn't going to do it. She has been using this as her safe haven up til now. So she was back in the yard, and was again left totally isolated, no-one would play with her.

Ther is a ringleader, and the rest of the class are following his lead I think. It is mostly slagging and then isolation.

She joined this school over a year ago as we had moved house, so I dont know about moving school again.

I also am reluctant to go to the teachers as I am acutely aware that if they dont handle it properly, it can make matters worse.

I know this sounds crazy, and it is not what I thought I would ever consider, but what if she tackled the ringleader. She is small but feisty (great hurler!) and I think it might send a message to all of them, stop him in his tracks and not make the others kids hate her for going to teachers etc. Am I mad...? I am just so desperate to put a stop to it....

Don't even think about it...

She can't hope to handle him...and how this could end scares me...

Technically the other kids "hate" her already...how much worse could it get?

Go to the teachers...maybe she could be allowed to mind the juniors permanently?

Unless the school can sort this out you need to move her...

What can she learn under those circumstances?

adagio

Hi Op,

Sorry to read of you daughters plight.
The consequences of bullying can leave a lasting impression upon ones consciousness for years after - I have personal experience of this.
I think you have to decide immediately what to do as this bullying must stop.
Do you:

• Follow the appropriate channels within the school?
• If you know who the ring leader is, contact their parents directly?
• Remove you daughter from the environment.. i.e. change schools?
• Request that your daughter stands up to the bully/Bullies?

The honest answers is any one of the above 'could' resolve the issue but what are the con/pros of each? Each of the above could also make the matter worse! But you have to choose and asap for your daughters sake.

My money would be on taking a broad proactive approach. I would go through the appropriate channels within the school and make the point strongly that you want definitive action and follow up from the school (remember it is the schools responsibility and they possibly should have spotted this behavior during the break).
I would also combine this with increasing your daughters social impact - anything she has an interest in?
Discuss the bullying with you daughter and explain why people bully.. if you don't know.. please research (power/identity..etc).

Keep strong and know that all bullies are weak beings who are trying to compensate for their own inadequacies.

I wish you well and my thoughts are with you daughter.

Cheers.:pac:

The Sweeper

OP, you need to figure out what you want to happen before you go to the teachers.

You can't make people befriend your daughter. However, if they stop victimising her, other children who don't dislike her but were also afraid of being bullied may be happy to approach her.

What I would advise - and this is from personal experience again at that age - is that you go to the head of the school, explain what is happening and then tell them what it is you want them to do. The best outcome is if the parents of the bully are informed of the bully's behaviour, and asked to deal with it, and told that there will be follow-up assessments of the situation to ensure it IS changing. Suggest that the bully or bullies be detained inside at lunch breaks for a week, instead of your child having to hide inside away from them.

It's important to find out how the group behaves when the ringleader is removed from the situation. They may disperse and no longer bother your child.

I was a very, very intelligent kid - skipped subjects in school because I could already do them, that sort of thing. I also spoke properly (e.g. pronounced all letters, didn't use slang, had a vocabulary with words of more than one syllable, etc.) so the other children in our working class estate decided I was "posh" and slagged me for being posh. They outright picked on me when I was small - pulling hair, stealing things I had, pinching, slapping, etc.

The problem was that the kids who were older than me did the physical bullying, and as we grew up their siblings, who were on average a year younger than me, took over with the verbal end of things.

From the age of about 11 to 15 I couldn't walk from my parents house to the main street - about 100 yards - without a flock of them milling around me like hyaenas, shouting and laughing and singing songs they made up. Their average age was about 12-18 months younger than me. There were about 10 of them. Because they were younger, I ignored it completely every time it happened, refused to respond, occasionally shouted a witty reply back but to be honest they were too stupid to appreciate it.

It had long passed the status of 'harassment' when I finally realised that, if it continued, I might actually snap one day and murder one of them. Every single time I left the house, the verbal started. "Oh look at you, you think you're so cool in your black trousers, [wolf whistle], you're such a snobby bitch, woo woo snobby bitch won't talk to us, you're a stuck up fcuking cow" <--- every day, every time I went out. If I walked out with my parents they just sniggered and made faces. If I walked home with my friends, they sang songs at us - you know, stuff where your name rhymes with something rude.

I went home to my mother, the queen of turning the other cheek for whom it was a source of scorching embarassment that I was picked on, and obviously something that I was encouraging somehow - and I told her that unless she did something to sort this out, I was afraid that I would hospitalise the little scrote who was the 'ringleader'. She was horrified, and I took her by the shoulders, aged 15, and looked her in the eye and said "This has been going on for years, and you know it, and you've ignored it, and now if you don't sort it out, I will."

I went out for the day. She rang the father of the boy who was the ringleader - he lived about 30 yards away, but she didn't want to go to the house. She told him what had been happening and told him 'My daughter hasn't been able to walk from the house to the street for years without abuse from the kids in this estate, and your son is the ringleader'. I don't know what else she said.

A couple of hours later, the chief scrote appeared on the doorstep. I wasn't home. My mom was. She told me he could hardly stand up or speak for the bawling he was doing. It took him three tries to get out his apology because he was sobbing so hard.

She reckoned his father may have leathered him or at least roared bald-headed at him for a couple of hours - got the full story out of him and so on. See all the kids parents KNEW they were doing it, because we had an open plan estate and they cold SEE them and HEAR them and it was so OBVIOUS. It was just generally accepted that that's what happened - that girl from the corner house she just comes and goes and our kids swear at her and call her names and spit at her and that's just what happens - all because I never complained, and neither did my parents. The ringleader's father, furious that his son was singled out, was the one who went to the parents of the other kids.

They never made a sound at me again. I was able to walk out of my house without fear of a running commentary on how I was wearing my clothes or my hair, the colours I had chosen, the look of me that day, my personality, and all of the other pointless little things that bullies pick on.

OP, you NEED to be the champion for your child. She can't fix this yourself, and the bullies need to leave her alone - trust me, lack of friends isn't the worst part of being bullied. If you're left alone to get on with it, you'll find some friends that like you and suit you. If you're singled out for abuse every day, nobody will want to hang out with you, and you won't know whether you're coming or going most of the time and you can't defend yourself.

If you don't fix this, your kid will carry scars for life - and I don't mean "Oh I was bullied so I can't cope with being shouted at". I mean scars like a pathological need to please other people, or a vague sense of personal self worth; an inability to stick up for herself, difficulty getting herself out of bad situations. If she keeps mixing with the small children and avoiding kids her own age she may end up slow in maturing, which brings other problems with it.

LegacyUser

OP here just to say thanks again for all replies, it is most welcome.

I get the feeling from some replies that I am seen as a passive "o what will I do" hand-wringing type. This is not true. I posted becuase I find myself in the position of not actually knowing what is the best way to approach this - not because I am dithering about whether I should do anything. Comments like "letting this go on is a disgrace" are eh..unhelpful.

@ MAJD - your post is really helpful. I know that bullying can leave many scars, and in a way this is why I want my daughter to have some control over how we handle this. She is emphatic that she wants to face up to the main bully and that my speaking to her teacher will only make matters worse. She is a clever kid, and I can't disregard this. I will try and reach some compromise with her - at any rate I am definitely going to make the school aware that I am fully aware of what is going on.

twanda

Hi OP,
Please go to the school, and make sure that they agree to handle it quickly and effectively, otherwise tell them you will go to the education authorities.
Bullies are cowards and if they and their parents are approached by the school it will be a big shock for them!

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

She is emphatic that she wants to face up to the main bully and that my speaking to her teacher will only make matters worse. She is a clever kid, and I can't disregard this. I will try and reach some compromise with her - at any rate I am definitely going to make the school aware that I am fully aware of what is going on.

She is clever...but this is a mistake on her part...it's not a child's mistake...a lot of adults make it regularly.

In truth it DOES feel better to strike back in a direct way. Victims of crime often recover far more quickly if they even managed to try and fight back...but that doesn't mean they weren't exacerbating the situation they were in.

The harsh truth is that you can't turn a bully around alone, you can just waste a very long time trying.

Try explaining "learned helplessness" to her. That when someone makes you feel weak, and powerless, it starts to work a little bit like hypnosis...In that state, people have actually been held prisoner just by believing that, if they try to leave, something bad will happen.

Bullies play this card all the time.

Ask her why she thinks it will makes things worse to talk to her teacher, what does she actually think will happen that will make things worse?

She might find that if she thinks about it, she can't actually think of anything, except "somebody told her so", or "everybody knows that".

Another option is to talk to the boy's parents...even the most macho, neanderthal brute of a man is unlikely to be to impressed by his son picking on a GIRL...and there is no guarantee his father will be a macho, neanderthal brute of a man at all...he might be very nice and reasonable. (Contrary to popular belief, bullying is not always learned from parents.) He might even be genuinely horrified.

...and I am betting that, if the boy has a single Mum, a (diplomatic) ten minute chat, and he is SO DEAD that he will be asking roads for permission to cross them after she has finished with him.

LegacyUser

twanda wrote: »

Hi OP,
Please go to the school, and make sure that they agree to handle it quickly and effectively, otherwise tell them you will go to the education authorities.
Bullies are cowards and if they and their parents are approached by the school it will be a big shock for them!

I guess what I was trying to assess is whether going to the school, calling in parents and so forth is definitely the best way to handle. I don't doubt that the school will take the matter seriously, it is just that this may not necessarily stop the bullying - and may make matters worse for her. Thats a serious risk - and at the end of the day I just want a happy kid, who is happy in school, by whichever (reasonable) means possible, rather than feeling better myself for having done something about it.