Boyfriend feels I've trapped him for getting pregnant

LegacyUser

Hi there,
Ok well I'm pregnant and my boyfriend of 2 years (we're both 21) feels I've now trapped him and ruined his life as a result of this,some background-when we first got together he was very reluctant to have sex as he wsa terrified of getting me pregnant but I managed to talk him round after some time.

We both talked about if I was to get pregnant and what we'd do,he out right said there's no way he could manage a baby and would want me to have an abortion to which at the time I also agreed so everything was fine but when I realised I was pregnant I felt differently and warmed to the idea.

When I told him he almost fainted and just couldn't get over it (neither could I as I was on the pill and we used condoms sometimes too but anyway that's irrelevant now) he then went on about what were we going to do i.e have an abortion and I said I didn't want to and that I'm going to have our baby,he then went on how he would have never had sex with me if he knew I was going to have it if I did get pregnant and referred back to the discussion at the very start of our relationship and said that I've now trapped him for life and that all his plans are over cause of me.
I didn't really say anything to this and just let him vent on,then he left.

We haven't really spoke about it since last week when I told him and he hasn't said anything to me but I just know he absolutley resents what I'm doing to him by having this baby and it hurts so much,he was planning on going on to do a honours degree in college but has now decided not to and has basically just given up on everything he had his heart set on which is breaking my heart to see him do.

We still both live at home but he would spend nearly every night over at mine and now when he does he either sleeps in the spare room or if he does sleep in my bed he won't even hold or cuddle me anymore which is killer .
Just don't know how to bring him roound or how to get him being ok about this,sorry for the long post .

LeixlipRed

Did he not trap himself by getting you pregnant? He sounds like a selfish git tbh and you'd wanna tell him to cop on to himself.

amybabes

sorry to be so blunt, but does he not realise that the days of having to stay with someone just because they have a child for u are long over!!
i know 2 girls, who have babies less than a year old and are with new partners who arent the fathers, one of them met the new guy when she was pregnant. if he wants to leave u, theres not much u can do about it, u will be left holding the baby. think about YOURSELF first....and then consider him and his feelings, because if ye break up, YOU will be the principal carer for this child for the next 20 years....id say 18 only im in my 20s and my parents are still supporting me through uni/i live at home.

fact of the matter is, i have seen a good few of my friends have babies young....very few of them have stayed together with the mother/father of the child. put yourself first....is this what YOU want, are u prepared to do this on your own if he abandons ship.
im sorry, but u cant be blamed for this, and how dare he not cuddle you and support u....whats stopping him from doing his degree, ur the one wholl be at home looking after it!

Wagon

I'm going to look at this logically. And very honestly.

LeixlipRed wrote: »

Did he not trap himself by getting you pregnant? He sounds like a selfish git tbh and you'd wanna tell him to cop on to himself.

No actually, he didn't. He didn't intend to get her pregnant and he took all proper precautions.

Hurtgirlfriend wrote: »

We both talked about if I was to get pregnant and what we'd do,he out right said there's no way he could manage a baby and would want me to have an abortion to which at the time I also agreed so everything was fine

So you made an agreement on what to do...but then

but when I realised I was pregnant I felt differently and warmed to the idea.

And what...you just expect him to go along with the idea??

When I told him he almost fainted and just couldn't get over it (neither could I as I was on the pill and we used condoms sometimes too but anyway that's irrelevant now) he then went on about what were we going to do i.e have an abortion and I said I didn't want to and that I'm going to have our baby,he then went on how he would have never had sex with me if he knew I was going to have it if I did get pregnant and referred back to the discussion at the very start of our relationship and said that I've now trapped him for life and that all his plans are over cause of me.

He's right! you both decided on what to do if it ever happened and you both agreed to it and suddenly you changed your mind!?

You need to look at the facts here. he didn't want to have sex because he didn't want a child. you talked him around to the idea and then he agreed but had a long talk explaining his side and you both agreed to a solution. Just because you are pregnant doesn't give you the right to call all the shots. It's his life too. he's put it on hold for this child as well but you both agreed to something and then you just decided that it wasn't important when it happened! that's not on at all. if you want the baby, fine. but don't expect him to stay around just because you suddenly say so.

have you actually warmed to the idea? or do you just not want to get an abortion? if it's a case where you dont want to go through an abortion (which is fair enough and i can understand that) then consider adoption.

LegacyUser

LeixlipRed wrote: »

Did he not trap himself by getting you pregnant? He sounds like a selfish git tbh and you'd wanna tell him to cop on to himself.

Well it takes two so it's not all his fault and I just feel like maybe I am trapping him after I assured him I wouldn't want a baby either and talked him round to getting the fear of getting me pregnant out of his head and now its happened and I'm doing the opposite of what I assured him.

He's like a zombie now,gone so quiet and seems so down and sad.

neuro-praxis

Anyone who is not ready to face the possibility of a child in the equation is not ready for a sexual relationship. He is essentially a child. You are right to be hurt and angry: he is badly mistreating you here. You are entitled to change your mind about something as important as an abortion. He may not be ready for a child but the reality is that one is coming, he is 50% responsible and he needs to deal with this.

I don't understand why you are tolerating his silent/cold response. You need to have some hard words with him. Doesn't he have any decent men in his life who can make it clear to him that he needs to man up?

You two need to sit down and work out your future together (if you believe you have one). I have seen many young unexpected parents make it through college. It's hard but it can be done. There is a lot of support out there and families are often willing to help out.

Good luck. I hope you work it out and become a very happy family.

drunkmonkey

Hurtgirlfriend wrote: »

Just don't know how to bring him roound or how to get him being ok about this,sorry for the long post .

He should eventually come around, he's acting a bit childish, he can still do his degree, having a baby is no excuse just to give up...
He's going to have to straighten his head out a bit, I'm sure his mam will be having a serious word with him if he keeps acting up, if granny or grandad thought he was pushing for an abortion i'd say they'd be disgusted..

I don't agree with wagon, he's been a bit tough on you just like your boyfriend, it's happend, your going to have to work through this together weather he likes it or not...

Best of luck to the both of ye, it's eventually all make sense, keep the chin up...

Wagon

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Anyone who is not ready to face the possibility of a child in the equation is not ready for a sexual relationship.

Not completely true. pregnancy is always a possibility but they both agreed to a solution if it ever happened. That's a very good thing and i think he was a man about it (a lot of lads wouldn't even have it cross their minds and would happily just ride away). And then she went back on her word which in this case effects them both very deeply. so in effect, yes. she has indeed trapped him.

amybabes

are u prepared to do this alone?
because thats what it comes down to. u shouldnt have to talk him around, thats not a good sign that hes going to last the course.
are ur family going to be supportive?

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Anyone who is not ready to face the possibility of a child in the equation is not ready for a sexual relationship. He is essentially a child. You are right to be hurt and angry:

while agree with you on one level, he also has a "right" to be equally hurt and angry, as the OP has changed the goalposts a few times. At the start he was reluctant to engage in sex as he was terrified and obviously against the notion of a kid. Then she in her own words "talked him around" to the idea after some time. She was on the pill and they used condoms.

Then they both talk about what would happen in the event she did get pregnant and they and she agreed that they wouldn't keep it.

Then she changes the goalposts when she does find out she's pregnant. Riiiiight. It may be her body, but it's both their lives and the kids if it is born.

Now yes he does have to shoulder much of this, he stuck his bits in her bits repeatedly, but I can understand his reaction. TBH old as I am, mine would be not so far away, though there would be less of the silent treatment. I would also be suspicious of how careful she was with the pill. Now I may well be wrong, probably would be, but that suspicion would be there, especially if piled on top of her pushing the sex angle in the beginning and then discussing what would happen in the event of a pregnancy and the turnaround therein.

I find it interesting that on the one hand it seems it takes two to tango and that's a choice, yet on the other hand any thing that happens from said tango is down to the choice of one, yet both will end up with the ramifications of that choice.

There are two sides to every story. Like all threads here. His side is as valid. As it should be, because if she does decide to carry to term and give birth there will, or should be two of them in this.

While she has the choice to carry to term, he also has the choice to walk away and not be a part of that. Indeed it's the only choice he has in this. That is not a healthy situation, no matter what one's feelings are on the matter.

OP you need to let him calm down, but you also need to see his side and let him be aware of that. Then maybe you can move forward regardless of the outcome.

LegacyUser

Sorry but how in the hell can you get pregnant using the pill and condoms?
Scary!

I don't blame the bf. I'd be raging too.
He doesn't seem as bad as people are saying though - he has put his college plans on hold which shows that he plans to be involved anyway.

OP you need to make plans with a view to doing this on your own (with financial support from him) at the very worst case scenario. If he becomes involved then that's a bonus really. Sucks but it's life I suppose, as the only obligation he has here is a financial one.

Good luck.

neuro-praxis

Yes, to Wibbs and Wagon. But the fact is she is pregnant and does not want to abort. We can talk about her mistakes and his hurt but a baby is on the way, and this needs to be dealt with, as does the future of their relationship.

Every time I go for an x-ray I am asked, as every woman is, if there is a chance I could be pregnant. As I am sexually active, even though I am careful, the answer always has to be YES - of course there is a chance.

This is the reality.

herya

Wagon wrote: »

No actually, he didn't. He didn't intend to get her pregnant and he took all proper precautions.

While I generally agree with the tone of your post, he did not take all precautions. Pills fail - which is common knowledge - and if he wanted to be absolutely sure he should have put a condom on every single time.

mardybum

You know as a woman, I think the tendancy is to feel that men who don't immediately say " Don't worry love, we'll get through it, I'll support you no matter what decision you make" are sh*theads.

But the reality is that this guy, who had heightened fears of pregnancy and *told* you that he would prefer an abortion is basically in mourning for a life he had expected and now will not happen.

For you hormones kick in that make you want to nurture the baby, for him it's pretty much a realisation of a terrible fear.

That is not to say that the life that's ahead of you now won't be good or happy, but it will certainly different to how either of you had planned.

I would imagine that after a while the reality of the situation will sink in for this guy, your relationship may never be the same but the likelihood is that the guy will want to have a role in the baby's life.

Give the guy some space, then try and talk about the future you may have. Be encouraged that it's usually possible for both young parents to complete college. Tough as f*ck, but possible. Remember that however painful this relationship is atm, or may become your baby is now the most important thing for you to keep healthy.

K-9

Without getting into the debate about the rights and wrongs, he needs time to gather his thoughts. The guy is basically in shock.

I was there, though obviously not the exact circumstances. It could be the making of him.

The one thing he doesn't need, is being forced into doing something.

Something to bear in mind Hurtgirlfriend, especially the irony!

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Yes, to Wibbs and Wagon. But the fact is she is pregnant and does not want to abort.

Yet she did and agreed to same? It's ok for her to change her mind and now his view being decided as "childish"? What if he wanted to keep the child and she decided nope I'm taking the boat? In that case many would be all for it on the choice and yet again he would be seen as childish for not going along with that. This BTW is not about abortion, it's about a double standard of blame that's applied here.

We can talk about her mistakes and his hurt but a baby is on the way, and this needs to be dealt with, as does the future of their relationship.

Hardly much of a relationship if he sticks to his guns. Her mistakes(and backtracking) are the cause of his hurt. I would be pretty sure that he will see this as a black and white situation. If a fellow guy mate pulled this kind of switcheroo he would be scraped off as a bad bet by most guys. She talked him around to the idea of sex, then she took the pill. Then he wore condoms sometimes. Why only sometimes BTW? His idea or yours, or just in the moment?

Yes I agree that this needs to be talked about, but giving him the impression of him being the bad boy and him not having any choice is not the way forward. If he is any way headstrong he will drop her like a hot stone if backed into such a corner on the face of such mind changing.

K-9

Unregistered wrote: »

Sorry but how in the hell can you get pregnant using the pill and condoms?
Scary!

It happens for loads of reasons.

neuro-praxis

But what difference does it make, honestly, to ascribe blame? They both knew she could get pregnant, and they both agreed to an abortion, yes. For a woman then to change her mind has got to be acceptable - simple as. Do you suggest forcing her to have an abortion?

I don't have a problem with his view. I have a problem with his response. It doesn't need to be all jumping for joy and happiness, but it needs to be (at the very least) practical.

So he's shocked. He's also drowning in self-pity. I don't have a lot of sympathy for sulking behaviour in grown men.

Charcoal

I have a huge amount of sympathy for both of you. I'm inclined to agree with Wagon's perspective. It sounds like your BF holds those views for a reason - does he know someone who believes that their life was ruined as a result of a pregnancy?

What you haven't told us in your post, is how you plan to support this child yourself - and as some other posters have mentioned, there is every possibility that this could happen now or further down the line. Have you told your parents, would they help you out? Are you working yourself?

You should not have an abortion unless you are happy that it is the right choice for you, and it is unfair of your BF to put pressure on you to do so. Equally it is unfair of you to expect him to accept your decision to keep the baby and come around to it.

Have you contacted the crisis pregnancy agency?

K-9

neuro-praxis wrote: »

But what difference does it make, honestly, to ascribe blame? They both knew she could get pregnant, and they both agreed to an abortion, yes. For a woman then to change her mind has got to be acceptable - simple as. Do you suggest forcing her to have an abortion?

I don't have a problem with his view. I have a problem with his response. It doesn't need to be all jumping for joy and happiness, but it needs to be (at the very least) practical.

So he's shocked. He's also drowning in self-pity. I don't have a lot of sympathy for sulking behaviour in grown men.

Not getting into the abortion point as it goes round in circles.

I don't like his response but if he's being honest? Remember, he has been honest up to now.

Many mothers are in self pity when they find out. They take time to think, come to a decision and move on.

He's doing the same.

Women generally are known for empathy. Time to use it! See I can generalise too! Does NO good.

We can all tell him to man up etc., means nothing!

mardybum

neuro-praxis wrote: »

So he's shocked. He's also drowning in self-pity. I don't have a lot of sympathy for sulking behaviour in grown men.

Jesus, it's hardly sulking! FFS they both have had what amounts to a major trauma. The OP had time to slowly realise that she might be pregnant, take a test, process the info and decide to keep the baby. He had nothing.

I don't think there is right or wrong to this argument. Abortion, (especially in this country where debate is ongoing re the 'evil/'right') is a tender contentious issue, and I believe its unsuprising that a girl might change her mind.

So they're basically both in a crappy situation through no fault to her or him, they sound like they were having a normal sex life...

Enough of this 'he's a selfish/childish whatever', give the dude a break.

K-9

mardybum wrote: »

Jesus, it's hardly sulking! FFS they both have had what amounts to a major trauma. The OP had time to slowly realise that she might be pregnant, take a test, process the info and decide to keep the baby. He had nothing.

Exactly! And Often forgotten!

Women often have time to consider the situation and often will not tell the man because of nerves over his reaction.

Then they they just come straight out with it and tell him just like that, despite them having spent days and weeks worrying about it, but expect joy and happiness when they just announce it!

Not being smart! Think about it!

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

But what difference does it make, honestly, to ascribe blame?

Well you did and continue to do so even in this post. He's childish, he's "drowning in self pity", he's "sulking". I'm just attempting a balance. She could equally be accused of persuasive behaviour and going back on her word, when the reality kicked in.

They both knew she could get pregnant, and they both agreed to an abortion, yes.

Yep.

For a woman then to change her mind has got to be acceptable - simple as.

Yet he hasn't changed his mind, yet he has to suffer her doing so? So it's alright for her to be capricious in his eyes but not him?

Do you suggest forcing her to have an abortion?

Do you suggest forcing him to look after and support a child he doesn't want and may abandon?

I don't have a problem with his view. I have a problem with his response. It doesn't need to be all jumping for joy and happiness, but it needs to be (at the very least) practical.

And his practical answer seems to be have an abortion as they agreed.

So he's shocked. He's also drowning in self-pity. I don't have a lot of sympathy for sulking behaviour in grown men.

I reserve an equal lack of sympathy for inconstant grown women, who don't keep their word from one day to the next. As I say, this is little enough to do with abortion or not, it's down to a double standard where it's alright for her to magically change her mind that's alright, it's her right to do so, yet he must accept the consequences? Again if she wanted to not keep the pregnancy and he wanted to, this double standard would still be in play. Why should he not have the right to at least not be happy with this and want her to keep her word? It may be her choice, but his life is forfeit to that choice.

To be completely honest, if it was me in this situation? I would walk. I know, not a popular answer, but there it is. I can't abide inconstant people, men or women or those men or women who can't keep their end of a promise discussed by both. If this was about babies or a simple car loan that was reneged I would feel similar, though having a child we both decided we didn't want and then to feel I was being bullied into "manning up", while she is free to girl down and change her mind would simply not fly with me. I find it interesting when people talk about a 50/50 responsibility in many areas of life it always seems like one person usually has the heavier 50%.

K-9

Wibbs wrote: »

Well you did and continue to do so even in this post. He's childish, he's "drowning in self pity", he's "sulking". I'm just attempting a balance. She could equally be accused of persuasive behaviour and going back on her word, when the reality kicked in. Yep. Yet he hasn't changed his mind, yet he has to suffer her doing so? So it's alright for her to be capricious in his eyes but not him?
Do you suggest forcing him to look after and support a child he doesn't want and may abandon?

And his practical answer seems to be have an abortion as they agreed.

I reserve an equal lack of sympathy for inconstant grown women, who don't keep their word from one day to the next. As I say, this is little enough to do with abortion or not, it's down to a double standard where it's alright for her to magically change her mind that's alright, it's her right to do so, yet he must accept the consequences? Again if she wanted to not keep the pregnancy and he wanted to, this double standard would still be in play. Why should he not have the right to at least not be happy with this and want her to keep her word? It may be her choice, but his life is forfeit to that choice.

To be completely honest, if it was me in this situation? I would walk. I know, not a popular answer, but there it is. I can't abide inconstant people, men or women or those men or women who can't keep their end of a promise discussed by both. If this was about babies or a simple car loan that was reneged I would feel similar, though having a child we both decided we didn't want and then to feel I was being bullied into "manning up", while she is free to girl down and change her mind would simply not fly with me. I find it interesting when people talk about a 50/50 responsibility in many areas of life it always seems like one person usually has the heavier 50%.

I respect your opinion, but I don't think I'd walk, but I'd say we will never agree there.

I will not get in the support a child he doesn't want point, as that leads to another can of worms, never mind the abortion one!

The inconsistentcy, agreed. Some women will say, it's about a baby etc., but yet, if it was the father wanting to keep the child, many of the same women would be arguing for the right to have an abortion, so it doesn't wash!

The responsibility part does tend to be very selective!

herya

Wibbs wrote: »

To be completely honest, if it was me in this situation? I would walk. I know, not a popular answer, but there it is. I can't abide inconstant people, men or women or those men or women who can't keep their end of a promise discussed by both.

Normally I'd be inclined to agree with you as I appreciate blackandwhiteness myself. But there is an extra factor called life at play - contraception fails, the girl changes her initial "reasonable" decision when she experiences actual pregnancy. Both things are not unheard of.

Could she reasonably promise their contraception will be 100% foolproof? Could she promise that she would have an abortion under any circumstances? It was naive of him to expect and foolish to believe such promises. Life's not so simple. And at 21 did he really need to be coerced to have sex with his girlfriend?

Tough situation but she's inconsistent & he is naive.

fonpokno

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't blame him if he walked away. He was honest with you from the very start, aired his fears and was very practical and truthful about the fact that he couldn't cope with a baby at his age and it seems to me he was quite mature about the whole situation. I can understand why he feels like his life is over and that he's trapped. You really need to give him time to process this huge bombshell that's been landed on him.

I'm female but if I was in his situation I would be absolutely furious that you changed your mind and thus changed my life. He now has the choice to give up his own hopes and plans for his own future at only 21 or to walk away from you and the child and potentially regret it forever.

I know you've decided you want to keep the baby how are you going to provide? Do you have a job? Will you keep it after the baby is born?

You still live at home so are your parents willing to raise another child? Or will you move out, and if that's the case how will you afford that? Whether you're on your own or not it's going to be a struggle.

You have to consider the possibility that you may have to raise this baby on your own.



Edit: just reading this it may sound slightly like an attack but it's not in the least, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

zuroph

I came in here expecting to think he was wrong, but having read it, i've changed my mind.

Personally, I dont agree with abortion, but whatever, people can choose. Thats not in discussion here.

The deal is he didnt WANT to have sex, wanted to be extra safe, and explicitly talked about abortion etc. For you now to change your mind is fair enough, but you have to accept that, just as free as you are to make your mind up, he is AS free to not change his.
A lot of people in this thread have said he's being unreasonable, and that its 50% his fault. surely then, its 50% his choice?
If you want to keep the baby, its going to be time to tell him he's not trapped and he's free to leave. He didnt want this child, and now you do. You may feel differently when you think about doing it alone, but thats your choice.
If you dont want to "trap" him, let him go. sit him down, tell him why you've changed your mind, and offer to break up. Then the ball is in his court and he can freely decide what he wants.
TBH it sounds like he's trying to stick around despite the scare you've given him, and he needs an option.

best of luck with it

K-9

herya wrote: »

Normally I'd be inclined to agree with you as I appreciate blackandwhiteness myself. But there is an extra factor called life at play - contraception fails, the girl changes her initial "reasonable" decision when she experiences actual pregnancy. Both things are not unheard of.

Could she reasonably promise their contraception will be 100% foolproof? Could she promise that she would have an abortion under any circumstances? It was naive of him to expect and foolish to believe such promises. Life's not so simple. And at 21 did he really need to be coerced to have sex with his girlfriend?

Tough situation but she's inconsistent & he is naive.

I completely agree with the above and I'd a point to counteract that and it's gone!

They both know 100% that contraception is not guarenteed. She knows his views, yet she continues a risky activity with somebody who has let it be 100% known, his views! He has to take responsibility, but so has she.

However, he should not use that as a get out clause. I Suppose my point is, neither should she!

K-9

fonpokno wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't blame him if he walked away. He was honest with you from the very start, aired his fears and was very practical and truthful about the fact that he couldn't cope with a baby at his age and it seems to me he was quite mature about the whole situation. I can understand why he feels like his life is over and that he's trapped. You really need to give him time to process this huge bombshell that's been landed on him.

I'm female but if I was in his situation I would be absolutely furious that you changed your mind and thus changed my life. He now has the choice to give up his own hopes and plans for his own future at only 21 or to walk away from you and the child and potentially regret it forever.

I know you've decided you want to keep the baby how are you going to provide? Do you have a job? Will you keep it after the baby is born?

You still live at home so are your parents willing to raise another child? Or will you move out, and if that's the case how will you afford that? Whether you're on your own or not it's going to be a struggle.

You have to consider the possibility that you may have to raise this baby on your own.



Edit: just reading this it may sound slightly like an attack but it's not in the least, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

Damn it, I'll do the Godwin equivalent on this thread. If you have sex, there is no 100% way of guarenteeing no pregnancy! There!

Even if you are as careful as humanly possible there is that chance. After that it is up to personal CHOICE.

Choice being the important word. Nobody can force their choice on anybody else, well, barring fathers who want to keep the baby, over mothers who don't!

ronivek

In my opinion yes; you have trapped him by deciding to keep the baby. Whilst it is rare in life for anything to be black and white; the deciding factor for me in this instance is him seeking from you explicit agreement that were you to get pregnant you would have an abortion. Even were you not on the pill and had never used condoms; I don't believe that is relevant. You're pregnant. You agreed with your boyfriend if that ever happened that you would get an abortion. You have changed your mind and grossly abused his trust.

Was he naive to expect you to stick to that agreement? Possibly. Does it somehow justify what you're doing to him? No; I don't think it does. Whilst it is your right to decide to keep the baby; you need to accept that you are for all intents and purposes making a decision for three people. You're deciding on the well being and future of you, your baby and the father.

Have you talked to anyone who can be completely objective here? You need to seek out someone who can give you the advice you need before you completely commit to having this baby; assuming you haven't already done so.

Nevyn

www.postiveoptions.ie

K-9

ronivek wrote: »

In my opinion yes; you have trapped him by deciding to keep the baby. Whilst it is rare in life for anything to be black and white; the deciding factor for me in this instance is him seeking from you explicit agreement that were you to get pregnant you would have an abortion. Even were you not on the pill and had never used condoms; I don't believe that is relevant. You're pregnant. You agreed with your boyfriend if that ever happened that you would get an abortion. You have changed your mind and grossly abused his trust.

Was he naive to expect you to stick to that agreement? Possibly. Does it somehow justify what you're doing to him? No; I don't think it does. Whilst it is your right to decide to keep the baby; you need to accept that you are for all intents and purposes making a decision for three people. You're deciding on the well being and future of you, your baby and the father.

Have you talked to anyone who can be completely objective here? You need to seek out someone who can give you the advice you need before you completely commit to having this baby; assuming you haven't already done so.

It isn't a signed contract and it should never be. I'd say the same if it was decided not to have an abortion in the same circumstances.

Deciding on something hypothetically is totally different from the practical side, especially in a case like this.

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's deeply upset, and in fairness, his college life won't be the same and he was probably really looking forward to that + travelling etc. His life will be much better in many ways but the one he planned is gone forever and that's hard to deal with.

The sleeping in the spare room/not being affectionate is probably a last dash attempt at getting you to have the abortion, but the fact that he's there means he's likely to be around for the baby.

If I was him I know there's no way I could "walk" knowing my child needs a father and I guess he knows that too, he just wishes he wasn't in the situation.

Part of me thinks you should have the abortion after what you agreed but its just not that simple for this situation and no one has the right to condemn you for changing your mind.

The relationship will be dead within a few months after the baby's born, he'll prob be a good father but the underlying resentment won't be fixed. He more than likely sees you in a much different light now so don't get your heart set on living happily ever after as a family.

Annie Bananie

OP - before you think about what YOU want or what you BF want..
Think of the CHILD first, if you keep it, how will its life be? Will it get the life you always wanted for your child?

I do not envy you. Life is full of hard choices you always wished you never had to make. But I wish you best of luck whatever you deside.

Rb

Wow, the poor guy

Op, you have trapped him. He has either two choices, he can do the "right" (by those judging him) thing and stay around for the baby or do the "wrong" thing and walk out to leave you raise the child by yourself. There is enormous social pressure on him to stay, and I'd imagine this is what he's currently battling i.e if he walks, will his family/friends make him an outcast etc etc.

He should walk and leave you to raise this baby by yourself. It may not be the "right" thing to do in general but in this situation it certainly is.

To those suggesting that their relationship can recover and they can live happily ever after, I certainly do not think so. She couldn't even be trusted to take her pill properly after this, let alone trusted on other decisions or areas they have planned in life. She has, in effect, screwed him over on one of the biggest things she could and is certainly not worth trusting in the future.

He's 21 and wants to get his degree and do something with his life. Judging by the fact you purposely mentioned that it's an honours degree he's after, it would suggest you don't have one yourself and this baby could be the only thing you really have going on at the moment.

I truly hope he walks and goes on to do everything he has planned. Good luck with it.

While there's no use crying over spilt milk, I think ideally OP should really have sat down with the bf and maybe told him she was CONSIDERING keeping the pregnancy. But at the end of the day, OP made an agreement with the bf and is now reneging. That's not a nice thing to do to your partner on any subject, let alone something as life changing as this. It certainly breaks the trust and I doubt there's any going back from here.
It's possible for pregnant women etc to go to college take the year out then continue etc, a girl in my year did it, so whether he decides to "stay" or not he should be definitely firmly encouraged to still go to college.
Personally I feel he should just walk. It's your choice whether to carry a pregnancy or abort of course, but it's not up to you to force your partner to help you with the pregnancy by deception.

Good luck to you, and to him.

Shivers26

How would you feel about doing it alone? Would your family support you and help out?

I fell pregnant when I was 15. My then boyfriend was 21. We split up when I was pregnant because I had my hands full with a teenage pregnany and trying to do my Junior Cert. Anyway, I had my son when I was 16. I did my Leaving Cert, went to college and I have a degree and a diploma. I work F/T and last year I bought my own house. My sons father chose not to be in his life until 3 years ago (he was 7).
Moral of the story: young pregnancy does not necessarily mean the end of your life but it does mean you have to work harder.

Maybe in time your BF will come around and maybe he wont but you cant force him to be on board with this when you knew from the start he had no interest in having a baby. He is being silly and immature saying he is not going to do his degree.
Whatever happens and whatever you both decide I hope things work out for you.

Depuy lady

This sounds like deja vu to me!

Op,

I was in the situation you were in 5 years ago. I got pregnant at 20 while I was in college and because I knew my daughters dad would have wanted an abortion I said nothing to him for ages until it was too late to abort. He didnt want a baby because he had just gone back to college as a mature student. (Abortion is something personally I couldn't go through with)

What I did was wrong but I knew I'd survive fine on my own if I had to with my daughter. When I did tell him he flipped for about a week but admitted he had an idea all along I was pregnant. I told him i'd be fine on my own and he left. But after a week or so he called to my place excited about the baby.

With regard to college I had decided I would complete my exams in May, have my dd in the summer and go straight back to college in September. I won't lie it was hard being a mom and a student but I got through it just fine with the support of my family. I made sure I got a good degree so I could give my dd a good start in life.

We got back together after my daughter was born and what a disaster of a relationship we had for almost 4 years. We were only staying together for the sake of our dd. We spent our time fighting, he got physical towards me because he resented me. I ended up a wreck, depressed, a complete nervous wreck. The day we broke up we both agreed we'd be a lot better off and it would be a lot more healthy for our dd.

Because we were in a relationship for the wrong reasons and because he felt he had to stay with me for the sake of our dd we are now ina situation where we dont speak and I'm afraid of his temper. Ive changed as a person to the point where Im receiving counselling to make me happier.

3 weeks after we broke up I met my current partner and Ive never been so happy, he has no issues with my dd, he has a fantastic relationship with her.

There are plenty of men out there who have no problem taking on women with kids. As my partner says my dd is a major bonus to our relationship and he feels priveleged that she has so much time and love for him.

I guess the reason Im posting this is to help you see staying with a bf or gf just for the sake of a child is totally the wrong thing to do. Your bf does feel trapped and he has a right to but don't make him feel anymore trapped by trying to make him stay with you if he really doesn't want to.

Your an adult now, your going to be a mom soon and I guess in my opinion you should focus your energy on your baby and your health right now.

You can still have a great future even with being a mom so young.

You need to have faith in yourself right now.

There is loads of help out there for young mom's.

Trust me - I always swore I'd never have children and if I can survive motherhood and come out of a violent relationship with a smile on my face, feeling confident about my mothering skills you can too!!!

If you need to talk feel free to PM me

Kimia

She did NOT trap him. It was a consequence of BOTH of their actions.

They are both adults. At the end of the day he could have stuck to his guns and not given in to her when she tried to 'talk him round'.

They are both to blame (for want of a better word) for this pregnancy. I can understand his view, and the OP's. He doesn't want the baby, fair enough, his views were apparent before they started having sex. She does, because she is actually pregnant now, and dealing with the hormones, maternal feelings etc, that comes with being pregnant.

It's not fair to lambast one of them, this baby was conceived by BOTH of them. You both have to sit down and talk this through like adults. Give your boyfriend time to adjust - it's a huge shock to him, especially with his views.

Give the girl a break - she didn't RAPE him ffs - they both made this baby.

If she doesn't want to have an abortion, she doesn't have to. If he doesn't want to raise the child, he doesn't have to.

Bad form out of the both of them - if you can't deal with the possibility of having a child, don't have sex. Simple as.

John Mason

Well, you have decided to keep the baby and to hell with his feelings.

Personally, i think you should tell him, as it is your decision to keep the baby and you broke the agreement on a termination.

That he can get on with his life and have nothing to do with the baby financially or otherwise.

by forcing him to stick by you,you are in fact, trapping him

ellie1

This thread is very odd today.

I think that getting pregant and having an abortion is not something you preplan for. It is really not realistic to sit down and say "mmm in the case that all contraception fails, if you do get pregannt, lets decide now what to do....ok thats agreed lets abort if pregnancy occurs" It is not a emotionless plan b in case all else fails. For people to sugget that she is wrong and trapped him because she agreed before hand are being very unfair. She sees this pregnancy as a BABY and suggesting that she was wrong because she choose to have a BABY, is not right. Sometimes having the baby is the more difficult option.

He should Rb:walk and leave you to raise this baby by yourself. It may not be the "right" thing to do in general but in this situation it certainly is.

Op, if he wants nothing to do with you. let him go. There are resorces available for you out there.

Rb:To those suggesting that their relationship can recover and they can live happily ever after, I certainly do not think so. She couldn't even be trusted to take her pill properly after this, let alone trusted on other decisions or areas they have planned in life. She has, in effect, screwed him over on one of the biggest things she could and is certainly not worth trusting in the future.

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on. He has been in a relationship for two years. If he didnt want her to get pregnant and was so fearful. He shouldnt have had sex.

Rb:He's 21 and wants to get his degree and do something with his life. Judging by the fact you purposely mentioned that it's an honours degree he's after, it would suggest you don't have one yourself and this baby could be the only thing you really have going on at the moment.

This is very harsh and unkind. The op trapped the her bf because he has a degree and wants to do something with his life. She may also want to do something with her life. And even if a baby is the only thing the op has going at the moment, how dare you imply that it is in someway worthless.

Op, If you want have the baby. H/she will bring you more joy and happiness than you can ever imagine. I have learned more from my child than I have from my university honours degree education. if the father dosent want any part of it, let him go. If he does, encourage him to go to college and get his education. Having children young does not mean you give up on your dreams, it just means it takes a bit longer to get there but makes it more worthwhile!!!

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Well, you have decided to keep the baby and to hell with his feelings.

This is the part I have the biggest issue with and is the undercurrent in a lot of the replies here. To hell with his feelings? Nice.

Personally, i think you should tell him, as it is your decision to keep the baby and you broke the agreement on a termination.

That he can get on with his life and have nothing to do with the baby financially or otherwise.

by forcing him to stick by you,you are in fact, trapping him

That would be fine if he didn't have the very clear legalities of paying maintenance for a child he does not want. She holds all the cards there too. She can pursue him through the courts for that. He pretty much has no recourse legally, unless someone can point me to a law of this land that allows him to sign away his paternity. Now ideally he will want to be part of the childs life and then if they both act like adults that can be accommodated, though sadly all too often the child gets stuck in the middle.

Again hopefully this does not occur and many parents are not together as a couple and do share the raising of their child and do it well. But for the sake of argument, let's say he does decide enough is enough and that he wants nothing to do with the child or her. What then?

As the law stands(and please again correct me if I'm wrong), he has no rights as far as doing that. He simply can't walk away and live his life. He is legally bound to that child as far as maintenance is concerned(though his legal rights elsewhere are less clear). This is not a debate on maintenance or abortion as such, it's about trust and consistent behaviour. It's about on the one hand saying it's 50/50 as far as getting pregnant, but it's not 50/50 the second that happens, even though there was a discussion and as such a "verbal contract" in place if that eventuality happened. A contract that has been unilaterally broken. I'm just trying to get across the point that this guy has no options really and if he's feeling that, I am not surprised he feels betrayed or lied to, or wants out, never mind his feelings of mistrust towards her.

ellie1

ellie1 wrote: »

This thread is very odd today.

I think that getting pregant and having an abortion is not something you preplan for. It is really not realistic to sit down and say "mmm in the case that all contraception fails, if you do get pregannt, lets decide now what to do....ok thats agreed lets abort if pregnancy occurs" It is not a emotionless plan b in case all else fails. For people to sugget that she is wrong and trapped him because she agreed before hand are being very unfair. She sees this pregnancy as a BABY and suggesting that she was wrong because she choose to have a BABY, is not right.

Nobody is suggesting she is wrong to choose to have a "BABY", we are all explicitly stating that she talked the bf into having sex with her under the definite agreement that they would abort should she become pregnant. She knew how very strongly he felt on the subject and insisted on going ahead anyway on this one condition. Now she's gone back on her word and broken his trust. Regardless of what you think one can and cannot plan for, they agreed on it and she broke that.

If a guy told his fearful gf not to worry, he'd marry her and support her etc (pulling an example out of thin air) should she get pregnant now let's please have sex, then ran off at the first sign of trouble, I doubt people would be standing up for him quite as much?
It's the broken trust and viewing of taking away their options which is the problem here. They're supposed to be in a relationship, that means 50-50.

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on. He has been in a relationship for two years. If he didnt want her to get pregnant and was so fearful. He shouldnt have had sex.

How nice it is to sit on a high horse and say "don't have sex". They did and have to move on from there.

Wibbs

ellie1 wrote: »

well he couldnt be trusted to put a condom on.

Equally she could not be trusted to stick to an agreement, after from her own words she talked him around to the idea of full sexual intercourse where that agreement was part and parcel of that talking around, he may also even be thinking she couldn't be trusted to take her pill. I mean if she appears to him unable to keep her word, I can understand his position. From an objective angle, she has broken more of the trust, so bashing him unequally is hardly on.

There are two of them in this. It took two of them to make this pregnancy happen, yet there is only one of them is deciding the fate of both their futures and the childs.

They do need to sit down and discuss this when he calms down. The sooner the better. If she is bent on keeping the baby, then she has to discuss with him what he wants to do. If he wants to be a part of this after he calms down then they have to work out how that will work, but equally if he wants to walk away, then she may have to accept that too.

Wibbs

bluewolf wrote: »

If a guy told his fearful gf not to worry, he'd marry her and support her etc (pulling an example out of thin air) should she get pregnant now let's please have sex, then ran off at the first sign of trouble, I doubt people would be standing up for him quite as much?
It's the broken trust and viewing of taking away their options which is the problem here. They're supposed to be in a relationship, that means 50-50.

+1 Nail on the head. I would put money he would be lambasted for that. Double standards go both ways with both genders. I would not defend a man for operating on those standards and I would not defend a woman for the same thing just because she's a woman. No way.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

You're both 21 op. A baby is going to royally **** with what chance you have of getting a decent job and a comfortable life. Are you really sure you're ready to settle down and scrape by?

Depuy lady

Sean_K wrote: »

You're both 21 op. A baby is going to royally **** with what chance you have of getting a decent job and a comfortable life. Are you really sure you're ready to settle down and scrape by?

Sean

I think your comment is very unfair, I had a baby at 21, my dd did not royally mess up my life as you put it. And i certainly didnt scrape by. I supported myself and my dd while going to college full time. And as I chose not to take a year out I was deemed not able to claim any beneifts except the OPW and even on that I didnt scrape by. My dd was a great motivation to be successful in life. She made me more determined to get a good degree and a good job. Because of her as a motivation Im 26, out of college close to 3 years on well over the €40k pa. I think given the situation the OP is in people should help her feel a bit more postive and show her that life is not all bad as a single mom

ellie1

I am not condeming the ops boyfriend. However, I just disagree with pre aranged preceedures just in case you get pregnant. Nobody knows how they will feel. Given that its human life (to some)we are talking about I really feel that it cannot be as simple as okay we will abort if you become pregnant, okay lets have sex.

How nice it is to sit on a high horse and say "don't have sex". They did and have to move on from there.

I am directing that at everybody condeming the op. There is always a risk of pregnancy.The simple fact is if you dont want to run the risk of pregnancy and be financially responsible for the next 18years, dont have sex, that applys for both male and female.

we are all explicitly stating that she talked the bf into having sex with her under the definite agreement that they would abort should she become pregnant.

Oh come on, it hardly took huge negotiations on her behalf to get him into bed.

.
Op, your partner can choose to walk away. And let him. He may feel you did undeed break the agreement and his trust. Give him space to get used to idea.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Depuy lady wrote: »

Sean

I think your comment is very unfair, I had a baby at 21, my dd did not royally mess up my life as you put it. And i certainly didnt scrape by. I supported myself and my dd while going to college full time. And as I chose not to take a year out I was deemed not able to claim any beneifts except the OPW and even on that I didnt scrape by. My dd was a great motivation to be successful in life. She made me more determined to get a good degree and a good job. Because of her as a motivation Im 26, out of college close to 3 years on well over the €40k pa. I think given the situation the OP is in people should help her feel a bit more postive and show her that life is not all bad as a single mom

I was deliberately painting an extreme picture because imo the financial side of things should be given a lot of consideration.

If you want to work or study then you'll be left with crippling creche bills (that is, if you can't unload the kid on close family). You're going to have to work a lot of hours (in a difficult economic climate) to pay for it and live comfortably.

The more you work, the more you pay and the less you see your kid.

Depuy lady

Sean_K wrote: »

I was deliberately painting an extreme picture because imo the financial side of things should be given a lot of consideration.

If you want to work or study then you'll be left with crippling creche bills (that is, if you can't unload the kid on close family). You're going to have to work a lot of hours (in a difficult economic climate) to pay for it and live comfortably.

The more you work, the more you pay and the less you see your kid.

Whether your married, or living with a partner or a single mom your going to have to pay for childcare and your going to have balance your work life and home life. You shouldn't just class single moms inthis bracket.

And also I don't think its fair to say unload the kid on close family, unload makes them sound like a burden which children are not.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Depuy lady wrote: »

And also I don't think its fair to say unload the kid on close family, unload makes them sound like a burden which children are not.

I think you're looking at things through rose-tinted spectacles.

Kids cost time and money. This makes them a burden. Yes it may all be worth it, but they're still a burden. Life may be happier with them but it's easier without them.