Friend's wife pregnant, I might be father

LegacyUser

This is a bit long but I'm in an awful state, sick with worry.

Got myself in a mess, a few weeks back I had sex with a close friend's wife. Wasn't planned or an affair. We have always gotten on really well and I did have a crush on her years ago but I never thought about it much. I had to call over to their home, not revealing reason why as it could identify me but it is genuine. Afterwards me an her were sitting over coffee and having a good time, I felt it was getting a bit flirty but still thought nothing of it. In my defence she is incredibly good looking with a perfect body and she made the first move. We ended up having sex in her house.

After sex it wasn't awkward we were actually quite coupley but next day she texted me begging me to keep my mouth shut and that it was a mistake. I was a bit upset I must admit but it was obviously not in my interest to say anything if she wasn't interested.

However the other night my friend delightedly tells me she's pregnant, and that they've been trying for a while. I almost dropped my drink in shock but managed to hold composure and I don't think he noticed. I feel awful after congratulating him as I know he's going to remember that moment when this mess is over.

When we had sex we didn't use a condom, I had one in my wallet but she put me in before I'd even thought of getting it. I assumed she was on the pill because she didn't suggest a condom so I didn't even pull out and I did ejaculate. Before I heard she was pregnant I'd actually mentally noted to go to a GP for an STI check but I'm thinking of asking for valium instead now.

I think theres a good chance the baby's mine. Especially seeing as they've "been trying for a while" - maybe he has a fertility issue.
Its tearing me apart because on one hand I don't want to get attached to the idea if its not mine but on the other I want to be there for her and the baby during pregnancy if it is mine. Rang her mobile today she keeps rejecting the calls. Have texted her with no replies.

I think I should maybe just tell my friend, but if the baby's his that would be completely pointless. I also have a girlfriend of over a year. Can DNA tests be done before birth?

Do any guys have experience of being unsure about paternity during a pregnancy? I don't know how I can last 7-8 months like this. Have had a public panic attack already, something which hasn't happened in 4 years.

username123

Wow. What a mess.

I will try not to be judgemental here but just to be practical.

DNA test before birth - I dont think they will do that to establish paternity, there ARE genetic tests that can be done on unborn child but there are risks associated and establishing paternity can wait til child is born rather than risk child in womb.

I really think you need to talk to the lady involved, if she is rejecting calls from you can you call round the house? I mean, is she willing to have and raise child as her husbands and expect you to keep the whole thing a secret?

Beyond that I think you need to stay quiet for now. Telling the husband is not going to be viewed as the noble thing to do. It will (possibly) wreck their marriage, ruin his excitement about the baby in case it isnt his, ruin your friendship etc... Are you willing to take responsibility for all of this - and take on being a father to the baby - even if afterwards it turns out that the baby isnt yours?

You need to talk to her and both of you need to decide whats to be done.

LegacyUser

This happens more often then you'd think. Best thing is to keep quiet – everyone will be happier.

ellie1

Do you know how many weeks pregnant she is?
Could she be a couple of months pregnant therefore deleting you from the equation? There is no way of knowing if you are the father till after the birth.

I think you should continue trying to contact the woman and asking her about the above issues. Maybe pop around to her house when her partner is not there and talk to her. Maybe she is afraid to talk to you as you may be the father. Thread carefully though. Although there is a possibility you are the father, there is a possibility you are not.

Stheno

Most couples tend (afaik) to wait for a certain amount of time before they tell other people they are expecting a baby, usually 8-12 weeks, so just asking your mate how long she is pregnant might help you.

That aside, if there is a possibility that you are the father once you establish how long she is pregnant, then you will have to talk to her. It's an awful situation to be in for you all.

Pete4779

for around 1 in 10 children, the married father is not the biological father (i.e., the wife has become pregnant by another man, i.e., due to female infidelity in the marriage). Your situation is far from unusual, and it's more of a natural occurence. Perhaps indeed it was that your friend is having fertility issues, his wife knows it and wanted to get pregnant, at least from someone she had a more than fleeting bond with.

for around 1 in 3 children, the biological father is *not* the male in the relationship (that is unmarried and married relationships). (http://www.cambridge.org/catalogue/catalogue.asp?isbn=9780511239571&ss=exc)

don't worry about, move on and add it to your brain file on how life is a lot more complicated than your previously thought. This is life, you are more attractive as a sexual partner for that woman at that point in time. It's not your fault. If she wanted you as a partner in the pregnancy, she would have answered your calls.

To set your mind further at ease, remember that around 60% of married men have an extra-marital affair at some point during the marriage.

andyone

denile...denile... denile.... its not just a river in africa.....

Smushbush

wow..to be honest i would say keep it quiet, theres so many things that might and might not be that it can easily be kept quiet...as the studies say, it's not an unusual thing to happen, so dont feel to down about it!

graham41

I think it will simply serve no purpose to disclose to your friend what happened
cover your mickey the next time

MarkR

Most people keep pregnancies to themselves for about three months in case of early problems. How far along is she?

Beruthiel

MarkR wrote: »

Most people keep pregnancies to themselves for about three months in case of early problems. How far along is she?

Totally agree.

OP you said you had sex a few weeks back.
Nobody goes around telling people after a few weeks that they are pregnant.
Nearly everyone waits till around the 3 months.

ellie1

wow..to be honest i would say keep it quiet, theres so many things that might and might not be that it can easily be kept quiet...as the studies say, it's not an unusual thing to happen, so dont feel to down about it!

Would you feel down if you may have got sombody pregnant especially a friends wife.

I think it will simply serve no purpose to disclose to your friend what happened
cover your mickey the next time

He could be the father of this child. Lets hope it doesnt happen again.

don't worry about, move on and add it to your brain file on how life is a lot more complicated than your previously thought. This is life, you are more attractive as a sexual partner for that woman at that point in time. It's not your fault. If she wanted you as a partner in the pregnancy, she would have answered your calls.

I think this is all bull**** responses. The op needs to establish if he is the father of the child whether that be before or after the birth. I get the impression the op wants to be a father to this child. So advicing the op or anybody to walk away, wear a condom and not to feel down is immature, unresponsible and heartless. No wonder there is so many children without fathers in their lives given this advice.

LegacyUser

For God's sake keep your mouth shut and get on with your life!Best case scenario, if it's yours, you ruined their marriage, the child will only be seen by you on occassional weekends, if ever, and will have the stigma of being the reason his mum wound up being branded a tart. As well as single. Also, ur friend might knock your teeth into the back of your head, or his mates will, and with good reason. Apart from anything else, she aint gonna want to see you. Your only gonna hurt people. If it aint yours, youve ruined their marriage and fkd everything up for em. You in a lose-lose, just cos ur getting guilty now, dont compund your mistake by trying to make yourself feel better.
be a man mate, keep your mouth shut whatever the outcome and remember the magic words when you meet your mates child......."he/she has your eyes mate". Then convince yourself its true.
And thats all she wrote. Its that simple. Next time your in that situation, try and imagine how you would want your mates to treat your wife.

Kidchameleon

ellie1 said:

"I think this is all bull**** responses. The op needs to establish if he is the father of the child whether that be before or after the birth. I get the impression the op wants to be a father to this child. So advicing the op or anybody to walk away, wear a condom and not to feel down is immature, unresponsible and heartless. No wonder there is so many children without fathers in their lives given this advice."

+1

Aloysius Flyte

Unregistered wrote: »

For God's sake keep your mouth shut and get on with your life!Best case scenario, if it's yours, you ruined their marriage, the child will only be seen by you on occassional weekends, if ever, and will have the stigma of being the reason his mum wound up being branded a tart. As well as single. Also, ur friend might knock your teeth into the back of your head, or his mates will, and with good reason. Apart from anything else, she aint gonna want to see you. Your only gonna hurt people. If it aint yours, youve ruined their marriage and fkd everything up for em. You in a lose-lose, just cos ur getting guilty now, dont compund your mistake by trying to make yourself feel better.
be a man mate, keep your mouth shut whatever the outcome and remember the magic words when you meet your mates child......."he/she has your eyes mate". Then convince yourself its true.
And thats all she wrote. Its that simple. Next time your in that situation, try and imagine how you would want your mates to treat your wife.

+1

You have no remorse about sleeping with your mates wife and potentially breaking up a marriage and a family. It's all about you isn't it? Not about the family you are planning on breaking up. And before you say, the child needs to know his father, that's B******t. Say that to all the adopted children out there. Do the decent thing in this sorry mess that you have created and keep your mouth shut.

LegacyUser

I don't think I can forget about it for a number of reasons.
They live near all my family and friends so I'm going to constantly hear about and worry about the child.

What if the father finds out for whatever reason when the kid is like 12,18 or even 30? That would tear him apart so much more than finding out now while he has a chance to have a family of his own. I'd like to ask all the people telling me to keep quiet how they'd feel if that happened to them.

I was told not to tell anyone yet as they're waiting until 3 months to make it fully public. I should have asked how long shes pregnant but I was in a state of shock. I guess its possible they dont know either yet. I don't want to approach the topic with him as I'm afraid I'll just panic. The thing is, even if I find out she conceived before we had sex I'm not going to be convinced she's telling the truth. She'll probably convince herself its not mine even if the chances are high

Im terrified theyll move away somewhere and I'll never know, thats why I think I should tell him rather than her

dragona

I suggest you shut up and put up. What you seem to forget is that the baby might NOT be yours. And then what? Possibly isn't yours. Might be. Might not be.

If it is, you'll find out at some point.Maybe.And next time maybe you will think twice before having sex with someone elses wife.

Pete4779

ellie1 wrote: »

I think this is all bull**** responses. The op needs to establish if he is the father of the child whether that be before or after the birth. I get the impression the op wants to be a father to this child. So advicing the op or anybody to walk away, wear a condom and not to feel down is immature, unresponsible and heartless. No wonder there is so many children without fathers in their lives given this advice.

Sure he does, but the only reason to do it so far is to alleviate his own anxiety. There is a high liklihood that this marriage is in trouble already, so the result is a broken marriage, broken friendship and a child seeing his mother and father on alternate weekends, with the knowledge when he is older that parents are not a couple because they just happened to get funky one night.

Nice, a great outcome for everyone including the child. What I am suggesting is he do the mature thing, accept what he did and learn from it for the future. The woman clearly is and is shutting him out. Sure he feels down, but that is life. In a few months, he can visit his happily married friends expecting their first child. Do you really think that couples keep no secrets and everything is always truthful and that that really is the best thing?

Life is complicated, it;s not black and white. Think down the road to the lives of all parties concerned and see really what the best outcome is.

LegacyUser

You need to speak to her asap and find out if you are potentially the biological father. If I thought I may have a child on the way, there's NO WAY I'd keep quiet and pretend nothing ever happened. I'd do everything in my power to firstly: find out for definite if the child is or isn't yours (by way of DNA test and NOT on the word of your friends wife - as she'll probably say it isn't just to keep you quiet & also so that her dirty little secret isn't discovered by the hubby!) and secondly: I'd be in the childs life if the kid IS proven to be yours.

People make mistakes all the time. But fact of the matter is, this COULD be your child so don't leave it be until you find out or you'll regret it!!!!! It's too late to worry about your friends feelings at this point. What's done is done. His relationship is obviously not a strong one if his wife would do that to him.

It's a tricky situation but chances are if you don't address it now, it will eat away at you and at SOME point in the future, the truth will all come out! Imagine your friend finding out in years to come that not only did you have a fling with his wife, but you may have fathered the child he thought was his for X amount of years! That would be a hundred times worse than finding out NOW as he'd be after getting attached to the kid!

**Also, in relation to some of the comments above:
You need to grow up! I don't condone cheating or affairs and I believe that the husband has a right to know the truth. Brushing the truth under the carpet is not going to resolve this issue. What if the child (God forbid) at some point in the future, had to get tests done in hospital for some reason and only THEN the hubby discovers that OOPS, your not actually the father but your friend is!!! That would REALLY mess with a persons head. This is somebody's life we're talking about. This man most likely trusts his wife and wants to start a family. He deserves better and should know what sort of woman he's married to! If it turns out NOT to be his kid, he might wanna get a clean break and meet someone who loves him enough to be faithful**

Zack21

Holy crap!! Wow!! On one hand he's your friend and secondly it could be your kid??

I think that you should stop running and confront her and if she says otherwise tell her that you'll come clean to your mate, but then again she coul;d be left with the kid?? you really need to sit back and think how long she has been pregnant and how long ago you did it.

CaptainSkidmark

maybe she wanted you to impregnate her?

considering she put it in without a condom.

have you ever been at the house before just the 2 of ye and has there been flirting being going on?

LegacyUser

CaptainSkidmark wrote: »

maybe she wanted you to impregnate her?

considering she put it in without a condom.

have you ever been at the house before just the 2 of ye and has there been flirting being going on?

We always got on but no real flirting. This thought has crossed my mind, but its a bit absurd to me. She's only approaching late 20s so I doubt she's worried that shes in danger of being beaten by her biological clock.

Anyway she called tonight. Seemed really scared. Said its not mine but hasn't been for a scan yet so how can she be sure?

I was thinking of threatening to tell him unless she promises me a DNA test but I'm afraid she'll move away. She also said she'd make my life hell if I told, I'm not sure what she means by that but I've considered the worst.

I'm really at a loss and pretty angered by her threat. I think I should perhaps make the DNA threat when the baby's born so it would be more difficult for them to disappear.

unregistered wrote:

You need to speak to her asap and find out if you are potentially the biological father. If I thought I may have a child on the way, there's NO WAY I'd keep quiet and pretend nothing ever happened. I'd do everything in my power to firstly: find out for definite if the child is or isn't yours (by way of DNA test and NOT on the word of your friends wife - as she'll probably say it isn't just to keep you quiet & also so that her dirty little secret isn't discovered by the hubby!) and secondly: I'd be in the childs life if the kid IS proven to be yours.

This sums up my exact feeling. The losing a friendship isn't a big issue because after what I did I don't think I deserve his friendship. Can't even look him in the eye without feeling extreme remorse and self loathing.

**Also, in relation to some of the comments above:
You need to grow up! I don't condone cheating or affairs and I believe that the husband has a right to know the truth. Brushing the truth under the carpet is not going to resolve this issue. What if the child (God forbid) at some point in the future, had to get tests done in hospital for some reason and only THEN the hubby discovers that OOPS, your not actually the father but your friend is!!! That would REALLY mess with a persons head. This is somebody's life we're talking about. This man most likely trusts his wife and wants to start a family. He deserves better and should know what sort of woman he's married to! If it turns out NOT to be his kid, he might wanna get a clean break and meet someone who loves him enough to be faithful**

Thanks for that, what I'm thinking exactly and I don't know how people telling me to be quiet can be so hypocritical/blinded.

LegacyUser

I dont usually come on here and bash people with responses but you call this person a close friend. Im glad I don’t know you. That’s the ultimate betrayal and you deserve all the anxiety and crap with this. On the other hand you cant sit there and do nothing. Id have to find out and if that means hurting more people then it has to be done. Wait until he/she is born and do a DNA test then. Leave it be until then and don’t open your mouth unless you are the dad.

You got yourself in this mess when you wrecked you mates marriage and possible family so good luck although she is not much better

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

You need to speak to her asap and find out if you are potentially the biological father. If I thought I may have a child on the way, there's NO WAY I'd keep quiet and pretend nothing ever happened. I'd do everything in my power to firstly: find out for definite if the child is or isn't yours (by way of DNA test and NOT on the word of your friends wife - as she'll probably say it isn't just to keep you quiet & also so that her dirty little secret isn't discovered by the hubby!) and secondly: I'd be in the childs life if the kid IS proven to be yours.

People make mistakes all the time. But fact of the matter is, this COULD be your child so don't leave it be until you find out or you'll regret it!!!!! It's too late to worry about your friends feelings at this point. What's done is done. His relationship is obviously not a strong one if his wife would do that to him.

It's a tricky situation but chances are if you don't address it now, it will eat away at you and at SOME point in the future, the truth will all come out! Imagine your friend finding out in years to come that not only did you have a fling with his wife, but you may have fathered the child he thought was his for X amount of years! That would be a hundred times worse than finding out NOW as he'd be after getting attached to the kid!

**Also, in relation to some of the comments above:
You need to grow up! I don't condone cheating or affairs and I believe that the husband has a right to know the truth. Brushing the truth under the carpet is not going to resolve this issue. What if the child (God forbid) at some point in the future, had to get tests done in hospital for some reason and only THEN the hubby discovers that OOPS, your not actually the father but your friend is!!! That would REALLY mess with a persons head. This is somebody's life we're talking about. This man most likely trusts his wife and wants to start a family. He deserves better and should know what sort of woman he's married to! If it turns out NOT to be his kid, he might wanna get a clean break and meet someone who loves him enough to be faithful**

Have to agree with this 100%. We're not playing in the shallow end of teenage relationships here. You're swimming in the deep end here and we're talking about lives and families and health and even legal issues. If you're man enough to stick it in his wife, you're man enough to deal with being honest.

Shivers26

Firstly, maybe give things a few days / weeks to calm down a little bit. Then I would suggest meeting with her and telling her how you feel about all of this and ask her how she feels. Try and find out how many weeks along she is if you can. That may not really help though as its calculated using LMP rather than possible conception dates.

There is a good chance the child is yours and there is a good chance its not. The fact is there is nothing you can do to clarify this until its born. Ask her calmly if she would consent to a DNA test when the baby is born and tell her you will keep quiet until then. It will do no good to tell her husband now. All that will do is damage their marriage further and he may end up being the father of the child.

Could be well off the ball here, as I'm basing this on a just a few lines of text, however it sounds to me like you really want this kid to be yours and that you want this because you have a thing for your "friends" wife.


For all the people who think that I'd be "immature" or be acting like a "teenager" for saying this, do you really honestly think that destroying a marriage, and having this kid brought up by the mother alone (Sounds like she wants nothing to do with the OP) is the best case scenario?

Babooshka

Wibbs wrote: »

Have to agree with this 100%. We're not playing in the shallow end of teenage relationships here. You're swimming in the deep end here and we're talking about lives and families and health and even legal issues. If you're man enough to stick it in his wife, you're man enough to deal with being honest.

Completely agree. And Op you haven't even mentioned your girlfriend, or being worried because you love her and wanted a future with her...I feel sorry for her to be honest. Don't wanna be bashing you as obviously you're worried enough but not once have you said anything about her apart from the fact she exists, I find that very strange.

prinz

Wibbs wrote: »

Have to agree with this 100%. We're not playing in the shallow end of teenage relationships here. You're swimming in the deep end here and we're talking about lives and families and health and even legal issues. If you're man enough to stick it in his wife, you're man enough to deal with being honest.

I agree with this, but on the other hand should the unborn child have to "deal" with his being honest?

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

Could be well off the ball here, as I'm basing this on a just a few lines of text, however it sounds to me like you really want this kid to be yours and that you want this because you have a thing for your "friends" wife.

For all the people who think that I'd be "immature" or be acting like a "teenager" for saying this, do you really honestly think that destroying a marriage, and having this kid brought up by the mother alone (Sounds like she wants nothing to do with the OP) is the best case scenario?

Agreed.Really comes across as selfishness to me.

Babooshka wrote: »

Completely agree. And Op you haven't even mentioned your girlfriend, or being worried because you love her and wanted a future with her...I feel sorry for her to be honest. Don't wanna be bashing you as obviously you're worried enough but not once have you said anything about her apart from the fact she exists, I find that very strange.

Yup had noticed that too.Odd indeed that the OP doesn't seem to question the knock-on effects to his own life/relationship.

littlebug

scaredman wrote: »

Anyway she called tonight. Seemed really scared. Said its not mine but hasn't been for a scan yet so how can she be sure?

.

What a mess
If they were trying for a baby she will likely know her cycle well and know when she was likely to have ovulated. Pregnancy is dated from the first date of the last period and if she had a regular 4 week cycle she is likely to have ovulated 2 weeks after that date. If you could find out the estimated due date from your friend in a casual way it could make things a lot clearer and decisions easier to make.

"when is she due?"
"eh,,, december"
"oh really what date? my nephew/ friend/ whoever/ is in dec too"

Estimated due date is is 40 weeks from 1st day of last period so conception would be due date minus 38 weeks.

This is all assuming a regular cycle.

themadchef

My thoughts.

You were drinking coffee so it wasn't a drunken mistake she made.

Every woman knows where they are in their cycle, especially if they are trying to conceive. She was either pregnant at the time and knew there was no consequense of having unprotected sex with you (from a pregnancy point of view) or she was trying to get pregnant. Surely no one can believe anyone in their late twenties has unprotected sex while off the pill and thinks there wont be consequences. It's too unbelievable.

calahans

I agree with some of other posters - I would think that she premeditated the action. Not using a condom etc. However, I think you were a willing participant. You dont come across as genuiely remorseful, you sound like you want her and dont care about your alledged friend.

There are two courses of action:

Tell your mate, ruin your friendship, damage (fatally?) their relationship, damage your friend psychologically, (potentially) ruin the childs childhood (as I dont think you will end up with her if she is dumped).

Or say nothing. Your friend is happy, the child will have a loving father, the wife will have her secret.

I would pick the second, as some others say, it may not be yours

Africa

I think it was premeditated as well. It may be yours, but she wanted it, and more than likely as a 'present' to her fella, because they have been trying for a while.

Seriously, i dont think you should say anything to ruin it, but you have a right to know. Tell her you want a paternity test, and thats it. Dont let your mate know...

SarahSassy

If you do insist on telling him then dont wait til after the birth as it would be a huge kick in the teeth for him after going through such an emotional experience.

LegacyUser

Wow!, well what you did as a friend is horrible and selfish, she is your friends wife, you just don't go there. I also would blame her aswell, it takes 2 to tango and you were both willing participants and she was fully aware she was not on any birth control, so I don't think much of her either!. She has put her poor husband and unborn child in a terrible situation and the potential hurt is massive.
You need to shut up, you are rambling an afwal lot about this baby being "your child", well there is also a big chance it is not. I agree with other posters, you were man enough to sleep with her so be man enough to shut up!.
You do need to speak with her properly and try to come to some agreement about a DNA after the birth that her husband won't find out about. Another lie I know, but do it for the childs sake esp if it turns out he is the father, so they can have a normal loving relationship.

You do make me sick though, so does she. You are very selfish and with friends like you, who needs enemies, poor bloke telling you about the pregnancy already,must have you down as a close friend!. Your poor girlfriend aswell, while you are at it, let her go, she deserves better!.
My husband had a "friend" who tried it on with me once, they were very close friends to. I was shocked (gave him a right slap across the face) and I told my husband straight away, thankfully they are no longer friends. So, there are plenty like you out there, but plenty of women willing to participate and hurt decent spouses!.

Aloysius Flyte

scaredman wrote: »

I don't know how people telling me to be quiet can be so hypocritical/blinded.

Blinded? Yes maybe, by disgust about what you have done and your attitude.

What makes you think that you have a moral right to this child? You honestly think that you would be a better father than your friend? Your friend is someone who loves his wife, is committed to his wife and wants create a family.

You on the other hand are happily willing to break up a family and show NO remorse for what you have done. What kind of role model is that?

Who do you think is going to make a better father and create a nurturing and secure family environment? Stop being so selfish and self-absorbed. It's about the child now, not the parents. The child deserves the best family environment possible. And do you think, that if your 'friend' finds out in 12, 20 years time he's not going to love the child?

I could be wrong, but my understanding of legalities, is that the Irish state protects that family here and you have no rights to question fatherhood of the child once mother is married.

I am speaking as someone who has been exposed to a similar situation through people close to me and trust me, that family is better of without you in it's life.

omahaid

Its hard to believe so many people here are telling the OP to keep quiet. If I was this womans husband I would certainly want to know that I am raising someone elses child. It's in the childs best interests to know, its in the husbands best interests to know and its in the OP's best interests to know. So, the OP should make all efforts to find out the truth for the childs sake at least.

Joey the lips

As far as I am aware once the couple is married the law automatically assuemes he is the father obvious I suppose so you would have to go to court to get a court order proving your the father. This is my understanding of the procedure

Are you prepared to do this for a child you might never see anyway?

Its a difficult one for you but there is a lesson in it. One dont assume that "She" is protected use your own two. Dont ever have sex without protection if there is a risk of an STI.

It seems this is only an issue cause she is pregnant but really you have a major struggle to get anywhere which will leave you all enemies, Is there a chance that her relationship is that much trouble that she may leave her husband and hook up with you anyway? Is there chance you dont want this much commitment

silvine

Jesus man if you tell anyone it will the equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb on your friends/family. Are you prepared for those consequences?

I'd sit it out and wait till she gets back to you. Like other posters mentioned there's a good chance it's not yours anyway.

herya

Stay away from your mate, he's the innocent party in all this!

But do chase and talk to the wife. As everybody else is saying it might not even be yours, she might have decided not to use protection as she knew she was pregnant already.

jon1981

your poor mate!! :mad:

Drummerboy2

Well. You are the friend from Hell. First of all, you have sex with your friends wife. Now, out of pure selfishness you want to get involved in the birth of their child. They are a married couple and should be allowed enjoy the joy of a baby without having to entertain your notions. What you done was wrong, don't do any more damage. You could very easily break this couple up. And what about your own girlfriend, do you not care about her?

Faith

You might be the father, but you're probably not. They're trying for a baby, they've probably been having an awful lot of sex. You had sex with her once. Statistically speaking, it's very unlikely that it's yours. When the chance is that small, I'd be keeping quiet.

I think there's a lot more going on, like other posters have speculated. You sound like you really want this child to be yours - why? Have you thought about what it'll do to your friend and your girlfriend if you announce that you think this baby is yours?

LegacyUser

the exact same thing happened to me 10 yrs ago.I never see my son and have not seen my friends in about 9 yrs.I feel regret over cheating on my wife and have never looked at another woman since.I know my son is in a stable family and never even thought of telling my friend.I also know that he's not really my son in the normal way and that my ex friend is really his father.Do what I did get checked for an std and pray to god that no one ever finds out

VeryBerry

themadchef wrote: »

My thoughts.

Every woman knows where they are in their cycle, especially if they are trying to conceive. She was either pregnant at the time and knew there was no consequense of having unprotected sex with you (from a pregnancy point of view) or she was trying to get pregnant.

+1

As others have said, the very first thing you absolutely must do is find out how many weeks pregnant she is.

If you have any doubts if she's telling you the truth, ask to see a report from an early scan. They're usually very accurate for dating purposes.

Heineken Helen

Shivers26 wrote: »

There is a good chance the child is yours and there is a good chance its not. The fact is there is nothing you can do to clarify this until its born. Ask her calmly if she would consent to a DNA test when the baby is born and tell her you will keep quiet until then. It will do no good to tell her husband now. All that will do is damage their marriage further and he may end up being the father of the child.

I agree with this... tell her you will never say or do anything once you get written proof that the baby's not yours. But there's nothing you can do til the baby's born. Meet with her and stay CALM... don't freak her out, don't make her think she needs to worry about you telling her hubby, just have a calm chat.

But absolutely you have the right to know... and a kid has a right to grow up knowing exactly where it came from and who its dad is.

Just one question though... IF it turns out it's yours... what then????????

Lollipops23

OP i think you should have a good think about why you really slept with her??you say it like it's perfectly normal to shag your "mate's" wife...it's not!!

tbh my gut tells me she was already pregnant when she slept with you and that's why she never suggested a condom...which,if you think about it, is kind of worse!plus she never considered STIs which could lead to a miscarriage or be passed on to the baby:eek:

Have a quiet chat with her and find out how many weeks she is. it seems unlikely that they'd tell the world if she was only a few weeks gone.

upmeath

Unregistered wrote: »

This happens more often then you'd think. Best thing is to keep quiet – everyone will be happier.

Really? :eek:

Pete4779 wrote:

for around 1 in 10 children, the married father is not the biological father (i.e., the wife has become pregnant by another man, i.e., due to female infidelity in the marriage). Your situation is far from unusual, and it's more of a natural occurence...

...for around 1 in 3 children, the biological father is *not* the male in the relationship (that is unmarried and married relationships). (http://www.cambridge.org/catalogue/c...1239571&ss=exc)

Bear in mind that the sample used is 280,000 paternity tests. Paternity tests are more often than not taken in situations where there is already some form of uncertainty and perhaps mistrust between partners. For almost 1 in 3 paternity tests to return results that justify taking them in the first place doesn't mean its common for the father of the child to be someone else in society at large.

When I read these two posts first I nearly shat myself, I couldn't bear to father a child with my partner doubting it was my own or even knowing it was someone else's with her.

LegacyUser

Ok, bit of an update.

She phoned this morning and agreed to meet with me. Had a long chat about the whole situation. It turns out she has had a scan and the dates suggest I could be the father. However, as they were also having sex regularly around that time its 50/50.

I asked her about not using a condom and she said shes so used to not using one with her husband it didn't occur to her. They've been trying for around six months and was on the pill vefore that. She promised me she hasn't slept with anyone else and I've prev been tested for STIs so I don't think there's a risk there. She said things haven't been great between her and husband because he's been pushy about trying for a child and its causing tension. She said sex wasn't good because it seemed as if it was only for one purpose, he's also been working a lot and according to her isn't as affectionate. I guess that's why she cheated with me.

I'm really worried for her now. I think she's accepted the gravity of the situation and realises not telling him is potentially far worse. Her husband has an interest in genetics and I think he would pick up, maybe even instinctively look out for unusual features. Some things she said suggested she's thought of suicide. She's dispairing and is considering an abortion and claiming a miscarriage, which is obviously better. However I know she's very pro-life and that could mess her up as well

I told her I would stand by her if its mine but she just held off breaking down. She's horrified by the thought of humilliating her husband. I think if it is his child he could forgive her which she somewhat agreed with.

I also broke up with my girlfriend. Didn't tell her the reason why though. I don't think she'd forgive me if she knew and maye if I truely loved her I wouldn't have slept with my friend's wife. I'm too distracted to continue with her and I think it would be much worse for her if I string her along.

We're still stuck in a dilemma though. Say nothing for 9months and DNA test the child whilst in the meantime he builds up his hopes and holds the child when its born thinking its his, then find out its not. Or tell him now and hopes he forgives her if it is his child. The abortion option is looking increasingly appealing I must say.

aloysius flyte wrote:

Who do you think is going to make a better father and create a nurturing and secure family environment? Stop being so selfish and self-absorbed. It's about the child now, not the parents. The child deserves the best family environment possible. And do you think, that if your 'friend' finds out in 12, 20 years time he's not going to love the child?

I wouldn't walk away from my responsibilities. I think having two parents who aren't in a relationship is better than the possibility that he will find out and walk away. Of course he would still love the child but he's also be torn apart unimaginably by the revelation and wouldn't be able to deal with seeing the child, which I think is completely understandable.

vorbis

wow, OP what you did was probably the nastiest thing you could do to a mate. However, the bulk of the blame for the cheating rests on his wife. She's the one who's put her family at risk. One could argue that you might even have a moral obligation to tell your friend what kind of woman he is married to.

Regards the baby, the best course of action would be to wait until the birth and then have a DNA test. If its yours, you'll definitely have to tell your friend. No man should be duped into raising someone else's child. The breakup of the family is mainly due to the wife.

If its not yours then you have a difficult decision to make. You can remain quiet and let them get on with their lives or come clean. Personally, if I were the husband in this scenario I wouldn't want to know. Although there is the high probability that she'll cheat again. Tough situation OP.

*Honey*

scaredman wrote: »

She's dispairing and is considering an abortion and claiming a miscarriage, which is obviously better.

scaredman wrote: »

The abortion option is looking increasingly appealing I must say.

You are both adults - you both had sex, she is married and it wasn't a drunken shag or anything like that (not that that's an excuse).

So face up to it ... you are honestly talking about aborting a child that may be her husband's and passing it off as a miscarriage? Are you kidding me??? It's highly likely this child isn't yours. You could be aborting a child "just in case". This child is completely innocent here - this child is the victim of all this. You talk about abortion and miscarriage like it's all so easy and normal and will solve everything.

If anything, it will make it all a million times worse.

Be a man and accept that you've done wrong - but for God's sake, do not destroy a marriage and abort a child because it might be yours.

I can't actually put into words how f*cked up I think you are ... stay away from this family, you are nothing but poisoning it.

Victor McDade

Unregistered wrote: »

the exact same thing happened to me 10 yrs ago.I never see my son and have not seen my friends in about 9 yrs.I feel regret over cheating on my wife and have never looked at another woman since.I know my son is in a stable family and never even thought of telling my friend.I also know that he's not really my son in the normal way and that my ex friend is really his father.Do what I did get checked for an std and pray to god that no one ever finds out

Thats ****ed up

OP, the kid deserves to be brought up knowing who its father is. A DNA test after the birth should be the way forward, your "mate" doesn't need to be told yet for peace sake