Pregnancy: Please dont jump down my throat!

Mentalmidget

I need your help ladies..and any gentlemen!I am a newly married woman in my early thirties with a BIG phobia, pregnancy and childbirth. This is not a minor fear of the whole process, I am entirely freaked out by the thoughts of a baby growing inside of me, and moving around, not to mention the thoughts of organs growing inside my womb. This is something i feel i cannot talk to many, if any, people about as the usual answers i get are ´sher you´ll get over it when it happens´or íts the most natural thing in the world´-i REALLY don´t think i will. I should clarify that I love children and would like to have children some day. My really worry is that I am a newly wed and am already under pressure to have children by all my inlaws. Of course, we have discussed children and when this was a vague concept I of course agreed. Faced with the reality of carrying a baby for nine months, i am really starting to panic. If there is any one out there with a similar fear or any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.

Jemmy

First thing that i feel should be asked is have you talked to you new OH about this fear you've developed since?

Redpunto

if most people really sat down and thought about everything you have to go through while pregnant, the childbirth, the sleep less nights, the constant worry, the financial issues, the place would be seriously unpopulated. You're over thinking things.

Mentalmidget

He has always known about my ´fear´but assumes it´ll ´pass´or that i´ll get over it. In many ways, I probably thought the same but it doesnt seem to be happening. The more details I hear about my friends that are pregnant or have given birth, the more scared I become.

Nevyn

You need to go to your dr and get a referal to someone who can help you deal with or understand your tocophobia.

trilo

Okay i shall in a way say thank you for this post. I have those feelings too (well i think i would if i were to be preggers) of a baby inside me and the feeling of it been an alien. Even freaks me out to see the baby kicking even though i know how amazing it is. My younger sister has the same feelings as me. It's wierd.
(I compare it to the following....The first time i wore fake nails it took so much resistance to stop me pulling them off as i felt alien like kind of and it really really felt awlful, like it was something attached to me that wasn't meant to be there.)

OP i would advise you to talk to your GP or even perhaps talk to a psychotherapist about your concerns. It is a real issue for you and is a big thing if you do wish to become pregnant and feel content and safe and alleviate what concerns or worries you have.

g'em

Redpunto wrote: »

You're over thinking things.

Phobia's aren't based in logic - overthinking has nothing to do with it.

Mentalmidget - as Thaed said you might want to consider talking to someone more qualified to help you deal with this. While your phobia might be hard for some people to understand, it's very real to you and it's affecting you and your partner.

There's actually a forum on boards dedicated to Phobias - someone there may have experience with a therapist in the area that could help?

Jemmy

Thaedydal wrote: »

You need to go to your dr and get a referal to someone who can help you deal with or understand your tocophobia.

Have to agree with Thaed here, think you should go talk to someone about it.

Mentalmidget

Mentalmidget wrote: »

I need your help ladies..and any gentlemen!I am a newly married woman in my early thirties with a BIG phobia, pregnancy and childbirth. This is not a minor fear of the whole process, I am entirely freaked out by the thoughts of a baby growing inside of me, and moving around, not to mention the thoughts of organs growing inside my womb. This is something i feel i cannot talk to many, if any, people about as the usual answers i get are ´sher you´ll get over it when it happens´or íts the most natural thing in the world´-i REALLY don´t think i will. I should clarify that I love children and would like to have children some day. My really worry is that I am a newly wed and am already under pressure to have children by all my inlaws. Of course, we have discussed children and when this was a vague concept I of course agreed. Faced with the reality of carrying a baby for nine months, i am really starting to panic. If there is any one out there with a similar fear or any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.

I was about to post "why do you want help just tell them to sod off if you don't want kids", but you say you would like to have children.
Well, then talk to a GP about your tocophobia
And in the meantime may I refer you to
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=59057353&postcount=55
for help in dealing with your inlaws

seanybiker

been a man I obviously cant have a baby but it must be a really scary feeling the thoughts of someone growing inside you. I asked my other half how she felt and she said she loved it. She told me the feelings and all that and to be honest it really freaked me out.
Best of luck in the future and I hope ye have loads of healthy babies

Salome

You're not the first person to feel this way but I'm sure that talking to a doctor who specialises in phobia treatment may be able to help you and hopefully ease your fears.

old boy

one would assume if one got pregnant ones hormones takes over.

fgal

Mental Midget... Finally someone I can relate to!! I have shared your thoughts on childbirth and pregnancy for as long as I can remember!!
I've always thought I would get over it as everyone used to tell me but it aint happening!!! I see it as the ultimate self sacrifice.. that my body is completely taken over and unlike most things there is no getting away from it.. you have to go thro with it.. the whole idea of childbirth makes me go into a blind panic!!

Other people seem to see it as a natural thing... do they ever share these thoughts? This is something I think alot of people dont want to admit.. its assumed if you're a woman you should embrace it without question.

Is there anyone out there who has shared these thoughts and gone ahead with pregnancy and got over it... would love to hear... cos actually like MM would like kids but afraid this wont go away...!!

Birdie086

This phobia is a lot more common than people think, have to agree with others here, go and see your doctor and he might be able to refer you to someone who can help. The pressure of being a newlywed musnt help. Everyone saying when's the next day out ie. the christening ect. I'm a lone parent, my son is nearly three and all the time ppoeple say time now for the nest one. Are they mad, I dont even have a partner!!

LouOB

Am +1 on this issue here
I think part of my own phobia comes from when I was a teenager. And all the 'pregnancy' stories about. It becomes a fear that you will get pregnant young end up on benefits and your live is 'ruined' - kind of thang.
Then as I got older and understood the process of making babies, the fear got worse. 'Dont put that thing near me without a raincoat'
Even friends who have had children - do you want to feel them kicking. I did once - wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh alien....

I think it was false teaching - dont get pregnant rule - when we were younger. If I ever do end up having kids Id teach them about STI's etc. Your child having an early pregnancy is survivable, your own child contracting something 'terminal' and dying before you, is unbearable to think about. IMO

GirlInterrupted

I think a feeling this strong is phobic, and only treatment will help.

I understand where people are coming from when they say feeling a kick is somehow alien, but its still an experience I'm looking forward to, and if the OP wants to have children, its a shame her phobia is denying her the happy anticipation.

yellowbrickroad

I always had a "phobia" about giving birth, i used to say that when i'd be six months preggars i 'd be in the hospital already, out of fear of having it somewhere in public and going through the pain etc, but in the last few years i found out its difficult for me to get pregnant, i need fsh injections, but doc told me there are a lot of risks, so its a no no for me, i kind of would like a baby but its too risky, at the same time i don't lose sleep over it, yeah i agree with the others first things first, go to doctor, thats a problem you got on your hands there, second, tell your in laws to F*ck off and keep thier cake hole shut, its your body and your the one who has to carry the baby and go through the pregnancy, as for your husband, tell him the same thing and someday you will get pregnant, and he's your husband so of course he loves you and will do anything for you, so tell him to have a word with his family and explain that its stressing you out and putting pressure on you, and also your married to him not them so they've no right sticking thier noses in

giddybootz

Wow...and i get called a weirdo for having a pregnancy phobia!! Nice to know I’m not alone!! Even being beside a heavily pregnant woman freaks me out a bit (eughhh if her waters break I think i would die on the spot)

Some of my very maternal mates think I am being insulting to them because they are so looking forward to being at the point in their lives where they are preggers. Some mates have gotten upset with me and said it is just too unnatural for a woman not to want to experience pregnancy and childbirth.

Luckily i really don’t think i ever want children....never have. Since i was a little girl (25 now) I always said I don’t want kids and if i ever do I know I will want to adopt.

OP is adoption an option you and your hubbie would look at?

giddybootz

giddybootz wrote: »

Some of my very maternal mates think I am being insulting to them because they are so looking forward to being at the point in their lives where they are preggers. Some mates have gotten upset with me and said it is just too unnatural for a woman not to want to experience pregnancy and childbirth.

Nice mates :rolleyes:

yellowbrickroad

Ah poor Giddybootz haha, your not alone theres loads of girls like us out there, your preggers mates can't very well say anything other than their looking forward to it coz its not as if they can do anything about the fact that their preggers other than wait for baby to come out! And its not unnatural to feel like that, it creeps me out too, na i don't want kids at all, my boyfriend is the same, so thankfully i don't have a bloke thats crying he wants to be a daddy, i wouldnt be mentally or pysically fit for a child to be honest i love my sleeps to much and then the thoughts of the terrible 2's everyone talks about, then theres the worry, then theres the cost, THEN theres the teenage years oh God no haha, at least if we got a cat or dog we can shout at them and close the door on them when their barking and lock them out and not get arrested! and as for adopting, i wouldnt be able for the day when they come in and say, yeah thanks for giving me a good life but i want to "find my inner self" and find out who my REAL parents are , so its a no no for me , i'd rather see the world come in and out when i please, dont get me wrong kids are great and babys are cute but its not for me ,

moonbabe

Why are you even having this conversation, none of you should have the right to have children, giving birth is the most beautiful experience in the world, as for you Yellow Brick Road, you don't even have the right to give your opinion it's just as well you can't have children and you should not even consider adopting! If you recall you were the one crying on boards that your boyfriend is a cross dresser, these people should be locked in a cage and the key thrown away, you with them.

Wibbs

moonbabe take a week off for insulting other posters. Attack the post not the poster is a very basic forum rule. Opinion is valid, insults are not. Please learn that before posting in this forum again. If you can't your ban will be permanent.

Mentalmidget

Thank you all so much for your support and understanding. it really helps that some others feel or have felt the same. I am, however, APPALLED by the sentiment in moonbabes post. It beggars belief that anybody could take pleasure in someone else having difficulties becoming pregnant, i am stunned. I also take offence to 'these people' and being 'locked in a cage' just because I don't jump for joy at the thoughts of being pregnant. Thinking seriously about the pros and cons of being pregnant is not 'unnatural', it is intelligent. Too many people have 'band-aid' babies in an effort to fill whatever void they have in their own lives and in their own relationships. The fact that I am thinking so thoroughly about bringing a child into the world is me being a responsible person. If i do have a child, I will teach him/her to be tolerant of all people, whatever their feelings or opinions, not jump down their throats because they don't think exactly the same. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is not an accessory that you can replace next year, its for life.

yellowbrickroad

moonbabe, thats a disturbed post you just posted!

Walls

I think the fact that you have serious hesitations and concerns about being pregnant just means you're sane. I've seen perfectly sane women diven batty by the demands and discomforts of pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing. We are the normal ones, I can assure you.

However, you want to have children. I'd say have a chat with someone who has had kids. Firstly, you'll learn it is possible to survive having them, and also raising them. Remember no one is born knowing how to do this, everyone is a completely beginner for their own children. And take a deep breath. You'll do fine.

Wibbs, they don't pay you enough, Love.

Doghouse

I feel very similarly about pregnancy. I don't have a specific 'phobia' about childbirth though it's certainly not something I'd be looking forward to pain and injury-wise. However, the thought of having something growing inside me makes me feel sort of faint. I have a phobia - if you'd call it that, personally I think it's not necessarily a groundless fear - of parasites and I sort of feel the same about pregnancy. As I get older this fear is changing and improving slightly so hopefully in a few years I mightn't feel this way about it but for the moment it still freaks me out.

yellowbrickroad

The truth of the matter is, if I could have kids naturally without complications, i'm sure i would ,but, by getting them fsh injections, theres so many risks that i couldn't take, i would have to be monitored daily at the hospital, the whole birth thing freaks me out and some people would go to any lenths to have a child but i wouldn't so that tells me i'm not really mad about having one, a friend of my sister is constantly thinking about having a baby but she can't have kids and cries each time she see's one or hears one, when i hear one crying i run the other way, i know i wouldn't be able for one, i get really exhausted sometime because of medication i'm on and just know i wouldn't have the energy, but hey why buy a book if you can borrow from library, in other words, when my friends all start having kids, we can invite them around to our house and then when their tired and bored and start screaming , we can just open the door and say bye bye! heeheee

Dudess

These fears seem perfectly reasonable and logical to me - people who see it as nothing but "beautiful" and something any woman would want "naturally" (otherwise there's something wrong with her) seem like the weird ones to me - or else they're just massively deluded.

The Irish Examiner did a special in its weekend supplement on the difficulties of motherhood - very interesting stuff. Some scarily honest testimonies like:
"What do you think of motherhood?"
"It's awful."
"Ah yeah, but it's got its good points surely? And you wouldn't have it any other way at the end of the day?"
"Nope. All awful."

There seems to have been a shift and it would be an interesting thing to research. Makes sense though - mere decades ago, women didn't have a choice to be anything other than mothers so when there was no alternative, they were less likely to question things... but now obviously, it's a very different story. At the same time though, women still feel obliged to have children. And yet they've all this other stuff to achieve in life too.
The idea of pregnancy doesn't freak me at all (but to have a phobia of it makes perfect sense) however I've heard so many horrific things about birth (I don't mean "soiling" oneself - that's one of the least horrible aspects I've heard about, to be honest). And the idea of life after birth... while I know I'd fall in love with the little bundle (well I truly hope I would - some of the most seemingly maternal women you could meet have trouble bonding with their babies if post-natal depression kicks in), a lot of motherhood seems pretty darn tough and scary.

Post-natal depression, infanticide and abuse, or merely just not enjoying being a mother... these are not new things.

Not all women are cut out for parenthood - having the necessary equipment isn't enough. We've been saying that about some men for quite a while now, maybe we need to face up to the fact that it can apply to some women also.

Ciks

This is all Hollywood's fault - Alien and Rosemary's Baby!

Seriously though, and Old Wives Tales and such don't help. How come the minute you do get preggers people start telling all the horrible stories and none of the nice ones?

Dudess

Ciks wrote: »

This is all Hollywood's fault - Alien and Rosemary's Baby!

LOL - I think you have something there!

Seriously though, and Old Wives Tales and such don't help. How come the minute you do get preggers people start telling all the horrible stories and none of the nice ones?

I know. Some of the stuff I've heard about pregnancy, and especially birth, is horrendous. The only thing that would bother me about pregnancy is morning sickness, but at least that's not forever... although my friend's mum was saying she was sick for a solid nine months with one baby. My friend said it's kinda like being hungover... every day. :eek:
Birth itself though - holy crap. Seems akin to torture. And the cramps are supposed to be the most intense menstrual pains multiplied.

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

Birth itself though - holy crap. Seems akin to torture. And the cramps are supposed to be the most intense menstrual pains multiplied.

Any time I think I'm over my issues with pregnancy I read something like this ;P

Only thing that makes me feel better was hearing my aunt recently the day after birth talking about planning the next one in some months' time. Me: :eek: are you serious ?? Her: ah yeah sure it's grand, plus I got the happy gas!

Ciks

Yeah, the birth thing is what scares most people I think. Yet i'd love a natural birth (if ever I got to that point) - obviously I've been brainwashed!
I'd probably be gasping for an epidural 20 minutes in :P
... Seems funny that people look down their noses at women who opt for pain relief during labour. I mean, would they sneer at someone wanting a shot before having, say, a tooth removed?

Ciks

Ciks wrote: »

Yeah, the birth thing is what scares most people I think. Yet i'd love a natural birth (if ever I got to that point) - obviously I've been brainwashed!
I'd probably be gasping for an epidural 20 minutes in :P
... Seems funny that people look down their noses at women who opt for pain relief during labour. I mean, would they sneer at someone wanting a shot before having, say, a tooth removed?

Oh I think if I do it I'll be yelling for the pain relief before it starts

Ciks

Hehehe, not a bad idea

Dinkie

I'm even scared of the epidural. I don't want kids for the forseeable future anyway, so I'm not even thinking about it.

This thread has freaked me outthough - but i'm glad I'm not the only person scared by pregnancy.....

littlebug

I don't know why it's always the horror stories you hear...
Anyway, just to let you all know it's not always THAT bad. My 2 were relatively easy and quick. Painful yes but nothing I couldn't handle.
Just so you know....

I'm grand with the whole pregnancy thing.
It is the idea of childbirth, that makes me queasy.
And consequently nobody but nobody is allowed to share gory details with me. Ever. It is bad enough that I discovered the maternity pad section in tesco. :mad:
I aim to be taken completely unawares by the other horrors.

Ickle Magoo

I think a healthy fear of pregnancy & birth is quite common. The first thing I did on finding out I was pregnant was burst into tears, absolutely horrified. I didn't enjoy pregnancy at all so even those that who half want to get pregnant are not skipping through meadows of pastel & blooming gorgeously!

Ciks

Dinkie wrote: »

I'm even scared of the epidural.

Hehehe, this reminds me of Kim in Scrubs:

"I hate pain so much I’m hoping there’s a pill you can give me so that getting the epidural itself won’t hurt."

2SWEET

When i found out i was pregnant on my first child i was terrified of the whole experience ahead, including the thought of having something growing inside, Thankfully for me it didn't last!! It was like the hormones did take over and once i got to 12 weeks and was over the morning sickness i enjoyed every minute of it!!
I'm now on my 3rd pregnancy and still enjoying knowing that there is a prefect little person growing inside of me, it's the best feeling in the world!!
The best advice i've ever been giving by another mother,was 10 yrs ago during my first pregnancy, she was a total stranger to me, a customer in the cafe i was workin in.. all she said to me was every woman is different and so every pregnancy is different, trust your own instincts and don't listen to the horror stories, it's all worth it when you finally get to hold your baby and you haven't really ever loved someone until that moment!! It's stayed with me to this day and during all 3 of my pregnancies i remembered her words!

livvy

For my first pregnancy i spent the whole nine months getting ready for a "labour" - not a baby - i was so consumed with what was ahead of me. Im now pregnant with my second and i couldn't give a continental !!! Drugs are wonderful - epidural all the way!

Dudess

It's just hard to know I suppose.

Two women I know who vowed never to have children and weren't big fans of them... and a bit scared of them... are the ultimate earth mothers now. Don't think my cousin was too crazy about having children either but she'll be having baby number 2 soon and seems pretty darn chuffed about the prospect.