Do you think this sounds like a real issue?

Sallyanne3

My bf is always confused, and forgetful & dare i say delusional.

Confused: Really agressive about what he believes i have said even though it may be about something that isn't really his concern, and that i have never said in the first place.
He tends to really hear something entirely different to what i say and it causes frightening rows. He will never ever admit that he just hasn't listened to me, and this in turn leaves me v cross and confused myself.

Forgetful: He says i have never mentioned an issue to him at all and he knows nothing about it.

Delusional: He says i have said things that i know i have never ever said, but that links in with confused.

I cant talk to him as he says i turn everything around and make things his fault, and that i don't accept my part of the proceedings. At this stage i'm actually not sure what is true.

It has become abuden this sitaution as he is forgetful in every area especially financial.
He is working 3 days a week but still makes more money than i do, but he forgets to pay all the extras in our life like annual tv licence, house insuranace life insurance, dog foods and our food. i pay all and those aren't small fees when you earn 350 p/w and my share of mortage, loans, esb, and the above underlined matters by myself. I can't buy luxuries like cans of drink and go out all the time drinking.I can't even afford to visit pennies and buy knickers!!

He goes on so badly about things i have told him that i am unhappy about, saying pretty much how dare i?, andsays i don't respect him, i put him down in public, i get too loud after a drink, i'm lazy at home, i don't spend enough time with him, i don't give him enough free time for himself.
He drinks so much esp at the weekends, so we are guaranteed to have rows. I now try to get away to friends houses more for weekends which is causing more rows as he feels i am abandoning him.
He won't accept that their is anything wrong here.

I don't know what to do and i am actually very scared.

This doesn't sound right does it?

He also is very suspicious and i now have a lock on my phone as he invades my privacy by searching my phone, i have caught him but he denies it.

prinz

Yes it does. It sounds like the drink is having an adverse effect on his personality. It often causes memory problems, apathy, confusion, and even slight delusions up to paranoia - like you said imagining conversations etc. Your post seems to revolve around alcohol so there you go, problem solved.

While you're thinking about help for him, think about some help for yourself. When you look at "cans of drink" as a luxury item you're missing out on, you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol yourself.

karen3212

Do you two argue more than anything else?

Have you tried setting up a joint account - from which all the essentials and bills can be paid from - I know you called them extras but a lot of them are essentials especially food. That may help prevent the money arguments at least.

It seems you two have a huge communication problem and can't talk to each other at all. If you don't get help or try to communicate without arguing, and you don't enjoy this kind of relationship - then I think you should call it a day.

Oh The Humanity

OP, he sounds terrible. I dont like the fact that you feel scared. Also the fact that he has become divorced from reality and is dragging you down with him until you dont know which way is up.

None of this is good at all.

Did you say you two have a mortgage together?

biko

He seems to have major issues, what they are I'm not sure about. Insecurity?
Was he always like this or has it started recently or escalated?

Sallyanne3

We have had big fights about his drinking,but he says all men like him drink the way he does.
He would have up to 14 cans every day of the weekend and a few pints in the pub. Then during the week(from Tuesday on normally) will have at least 6 cans a night.

Is this normal?

He manages to turn everything around onto me, also says that i am not liked locally as people think i am a bitch to him and put him down publicly. I can't say i'm sure i don't ,cos i don't know what i do myself at this stage.

I can be very scathing of him being loud and overbearing in public when he's got drink in him, and i know i am known to be sharp tongued.

How can i deal with this when he says there is no problem on his part?I feel there is and that i'm not equipped to deal with it.

Can't figure out what to do, as for me to change i would become a shell if i was to be what he seems to want (visualise little yes woman saying yes sir/no sir, 3 bags full sir)

All in all i love him to bits and i want to help him, no one else seems to care about him, least of all his family, i don't want to drop him, we've gone too far for that.

What can i do? I can't force him to look about help and i have suggested couples councelling but he says no.

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

We have had big fights about his drinking,but he says all men like him drink the way he does.
He would have up to 14 cans every day of the weekend and a few pints in the pub. Then during the week(from Tuesday on normally) will have at least 6 cans a night.

Is this normal?

No. He has a drinking problem. You also have a problem with drink and his drinking.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

I can't buy luxuries like cans of drink and go out all the time drinking

shellyboo

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

We have had big fights about his drinking,but he says all men like him drink the way he does.
He would have up to 14 cans every day of the weekend and a few pints in the pub. Then during the week(from Tuesday on normally) will have at least 6 cans a night.

Is this normal?

No, it most certainly is not. He has a drinking problem.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He manages to turn everything around onto me, also says that i am not liked locally as people think i am a bitch to him and put him down publicly. I can't say i'm sure i don't ,cos i don't know what i do myself at this stage.

And this would be mental abuse. He's convinced you that you're in the wrong even though you can't think of anything you've done wrong.

Please get out of there as soon as you can. This relationship is not healthy for you.

Sallyanne3

Yes we do have amortage together.
And we have a joint account. We apy most things through that, but he only pays esb, mortage and loans.
I pay the rest, usually by tranferring the money after iv paid a cheque. His money is always in cash but he is always broke, which baffles me as i earn less but still pay all these other costs.

Yes karen u right, we can't talk as every time we do it explodes. My feelings are that he blames me for every little thing and my head is about to explode.
But i really am convinced there is something badly wrong with him mentally.
We have had issues before, but in fairness, it is becoming really bad now in terms of his anger, forgetfukness, confusion and paranoia.
Things are escalating badly. whats next?
I want to help himthough, but i think i'll end up going the same way at this rate.
The fear i have is because he gets extremely verbally agressive, and on occassion has been a little physically aggressive, in terms of manhandling.

How can i sort this out?

Please don't say just by leaving him... (i know thats what the majority of people will say!)

beth-lou

I don't know where you are getting evidence of her having a drinking problem prinz, that line you quote does nothing more than show that she thinks buying cans of drink are a luxury, a luxury that she can't afford.

He however, does have a drinking problem. A serious one, and not only is it affecting him, but now he is transferring it on to you. It is only going to get worse. All the problems you have outlined are due to his drinking. The manipulation, the blame, the twisting of what you say. You are not going to get any sense out of him unless he stops drinking. He will keep putting oyu down, that's what alcoholics do. They blame, all the while absolving themselves, so they can continue drinking.

Contact AL Anon and get some advice on how to deal with this. It is a support group for people affected by alcoholics, similar to AA but for family and friends and it will help you to see clearly how his behaviour is impacting on you.

My advice would be to get away from him. You are not married and you haven't mentioned kids. Trust me, he is no where near getting help with his problem and and he will lead you down a miserable path. You may have a mortgage, but you don't mention kids, so that's good.

Please look after yourself and get in touch with al anon to get some support.


Al-Anon Ireland Family Groups provide understanding, strength and hope to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else's drinking.
www.al-anon-ireland.org

shellyboo

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

I pay the rest, usually by tranferring the money after iv paid a cheque. His money is always in cash but he is always broke, which baffles me as i earn less but still pay all these other costs.

He's spending it on drink. I'd bet my life on it.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

But i really am convinced there is something badly wrong with him mentally.
We have had issues before, but in fairness, it is becoming really bad now in terms of his anger, forgetfukness, confusion and paranoia.
Things are escalating badly. whats next?

I'm no doctor, but I've grown up around enough alcoholics to know that these are classic signs.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

I want to help himthough, but i think i'll end up going the same way at this rate.
The fear i have is because he gets extremely verbally agressive, and on occassion has been a little physically aggressive, in terms of manhandling.

How can i sort this out?

Please don't say just by leaving him... (i know thats what the majority of people will say!)

AND he's been physically aggressive?? You KNOW what you have to do. You have to leave him. You have to.

Oh The Humanity

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

We have had big fights about his drinking,but he says all men like him drink the way he does.

ok so you can see there is a problem.
But then he says there isn't -do you feel thats an end to it?
You can't just obediently accept everything he says as law.
Look with your own eyes, gather evidence, do not seek his approval of your opinion. You saw, you made a judgement, stick to that and believe in your own judgement. Dont allow him to contradict what you can see with your own eyes.....stop giving him so much authority.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He would have up to 14 cans every day of the weekend and a few pints in the pub. Then during the week(from Tuesday on normally) will have at least 6 cans a night.

Is this normal?

Nope.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He manages to turn everything around onto me, also says that i am not liked locally as people think i am a bitch to him and put him down publicly. I can't say i'm sure i don't ,cos i don't know what i do myself at this stage.

I can be very scathing of him being loud and overbearing in public when he's got drink in him, and i know i am known to be sharp tongued.

He says, she says. Why do you place so much importance on what he says? He is a drunk who by the sounds of it will say mass to deflect attention away from his own problem. He can say black is white, it doesn't make it true. YOU have to start deciding what is fact, what is true and being unshakable about it. What he says is really not relevant.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

How can i deal with this when he says there is no problem on his part?I feel there is and that i'm not equipped to deal with it.

You cant deal with him OR his problems, only he can. He is deeply in denial. You are trying to do the impossible. The reason you don't feel equipped to deal with this is it is not a job anyone can do.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Can't figure out what to do, as for me to change i would become a shell if i was to be what he seems to want (visualise little yes woman saying yes sir/no sir, 3 bags full sir).

It still wouldn't matter even if you did become little Miss Submissive and polished his a$$ crack while he downed cans on your cash all day. It doesn't make a blind bit of difference what you do. All this self sacrifice you are putting in is waste.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

All in all i love him to bits and i want to help him, no one else seems to care about him, least of all his family, i don't want to drop him, we've gone too far for that.

Listen to me, you cant help him, he doesn't want or deserve your help. He wants your cooperation in being a good little girl and enabling him to get on with what he loves most. Drinking. That what you are to him.

Oh and as for having come too far, its been a long road yes, but look back on it. How it has been is how it is going to be. If you are going to be with him, its going to be like this.

Its never too late to bail on a relationship like this.Are there kids and possibly a mortgage there? Difficult, difficult things to sort out but not impossible.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

What can i do? I can't force him to look about help and i have suggested couples councelling but he says no.

Its up to you. He is not interested in changing so the choice is:

Accept things as they are and live with it.

Leave/Get him to leave.

beth-lou

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Yes we do have amortage together.
And we have a joint account. We apy most things through that, but he only pays esb, mortage and loans.
I pay the rest, usually by tranferring the money after iv paid a cheque. His money is always in cash but he is always broke, which baffles me as i earn less but still pay all these other costs.

He is drinking his money away. He is an alcoholic.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Yes karen u right, we can't talk as every time we do it explodes. My feelings are that he blames me for every little thing and my head is about to explode.
But i really am convinced there is something badly wrong with him mentally.
We have had issues before, but in fairness, it is becoming really bad now in terms of his anger, forgetfukness, confusion and paranoia..

As I said, he is an alcoholic.

Things are escalating badly. whats next?
I want to help himthough, but i think i'll end up going the same way at this rate.

You can't. Only he can help himself out of this one and by the sounds of it he is only getting started.

The fear i have is because he gets extremely verbally agressive, and on occassion has been a little physically aggressive, in terms of manhandling.

How can i sort this out?

Leave. You can't sort it out. He can, if he is willing to address his drinking problem.

Please don't say just by leaving him... (i know thats what the majority of people will say!)

Ok, but there isn't anything else anyone can say that will fix it. He is in denial himself, and by the sounds of it, so are you. By staying with him, you are enabling him and supporting his behaviour. Tell him you can't live like this anymore and you love him, but he needs to address his alcohol problem if oyu are to have a future. The the best you can do. After that it's really up to him.
You or the drink......or you can stay with him and live like this for as long as you can stand it. I know it's heart breaking to watch someone you love destroy themselves like this, but you need to look after yourself.

Sallyanne3

i shouldn't haev said about the aggression as he hasn't hit me, just lifted or moved!

Thanks i'll look at the al-anon website.

Didn't pick up on Prinz saying i have a drink problem!! i think he meant that i have one as long as my partner does.
But just to confirm i do take a drink, and i like a few too many occassionally, but not a heavy drinker myself. ( I never did have a high tolerance, so maybe i'm blessed!)

I can see what is happening kind of, but you know what? i'd love to put him into enforced abstinence! tough love kind of.
Not sure drink is totally the problem though, maybe i've sent him mad too!

But bigger picture is true, no drink= no problems

shellyboo

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

i shouldn't haev said about the aggression as he hasn't hit me, just lifted or moved!

You're seriously in denial if you think being "moved or lifted" doesn't count as aggression.Would being 'moved' have involved a shove or two maybe?

Any physical aggression is too much, SallyAnne. Please get in touch with Al-Anon or someone who can help you with this... you clearly can't see how dangerous a situation you're in.

beth-lou

Sallyanne, my Mam and my brother are chronic alcoholics.
The advice I am giving you is from experience and years of "trying to fix" them. It is time wasted as it didn't make a blind bit of difference. In fact the more I played into their bull the easier I made it for them to continue.

Please, please, please look after yourself and do contact al anon. You will meet lots of people just like you and the stories you will hear will be just like the one you're telling us here. It's sadly too common and the self doubt you have is as a result of his manipulation of your better nature. Ignore the nasty venom that comes out of his mouth, it means nothing and is nothing more than twisted thoughts from an alcoholic mind. There is no rational involved and rarely any truth, so please don't believe it. Get support and you will get stronger.

x

Oh The Humanity

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

I can see what is happening kind of, but you know what? i'd love to put him into enforced abstinence! tough love kind of.

If only! But he has to be the one to decide it.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Not sure drink is totally the problem though, maybe i've sent him mad too!

I hope you're joking...it sounds like you are the only sane thing in his life!
Anyway, you do know there is a huge link between mental illness and substance abuse?

Its considered a bit of a 'chicken and egg' thing by professionals, as in they often dont know which came first, the mental illness or the drinking/drug taking.

There is a school of thought that says people who suffer mental health problems have a much higher incidence of alcoholism than the so called general population and yes that is true.

But what is ALSO true is that in many cases symptoms lessen greatly with the discontinuation of using alcohol/drugs.

So thats why they say its a chicken and egg situation, one causes the other and no one knows which came first.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

But bigger picture is true, no drink= no problems

True. But I think for that to be achieved, you have to stop enabling him (paying the bills etc) and let him see what a real mess he is actually in.

When he realises that, you might get some progress.

prinz

beth-lou wrote: »

I don't know where you are getting evidence of her having a drinking problem prinz, that line you quote does nothing more than show that she thinks buying cans of drink are a luxury, a luxury that she can't afford.

He however, does have a drinking problem. A serious one, and not only is it affecting him, but now he is transferring it on to you

Tbh anyone living in an environment of alcohol abuse shouldnt be looking on cans of drink as a luxury.

My opinion anyway. Plus the OP has said her drinking becomes an issue between her and her OH when he has been drinking.

Alcoholism is very rarely a singular problem. It becomes a problem for family, friends, etc, as you've said yourself. It's a problem for Sallyanne now as much as for her OH.

Sallyanne3

I am aware that the aggression is a big factor. Its strange but he thinks as long as he never hits its ok.
Also he hates hearing of guys being physically abusive to their partners.

I just know that sometimes i have been too single-minded about how i think things should be.

He has a complicated past. (i won't go into it but trust me)

Also when he talks he gets very slurry, he also jumps from one topic to the next. That links in with the memory loss also, he forgets he even said something. He told me once this is because he's dsylexic. This is a case of blaming something else definitely, as i don't think his dsylexia is that bad, and plus this is only getting very noticeable recently.

He does something constantly that he says is something i do: he interrupts your conversation before you finish what you're saying and moves in a different direction on it. It s not only me he does this with.

When he doesn't have something done now or when he has made me unhappy about something he has started this bowing and saying 'sorry sorry sorry' and then giving out as he says i never apologise. I find this bowing thing scary and disturbing.
Also i am aware and have told him that i only make apologies were necessary and unlike him, i certainly don't make apologies the way he does about thaings that i will repeat again with the same lack of consideration the next night.

I have asked friends if i do this alot and they have said no, that whilst i talk a lot i'm a good listener too!

Only one of my friends really knows what is happening at the moment and she is also saying to end it. I'm caught.
I know i'm being weak, but my sympathy is outweighing everything.

does everyone on this thread believe the drink is totally to blame i wonder? He has given it up twice for a week or so at a time and he has been itching for a drink, saying he is just bored and wants a drink.

I'll have to give some good consideration to whats all been said here, cos i'm just not happy at the moment.
Belive it or not i'm still wondering if this is my fault though.
I'll print this out.
I'm also afraid to start trying to talk to him about whats going on with us as it will end up nasty i'm sure and i'll be scared.

I sound like i'm on a rant!
But it is good to have an outside opinion. If only he could give you his side now!

Sallyanne3

To clear up a matter there again though, i never drank much b4 i met my partner.
I know it didn't suit me. I'm one of these people who's voice gets louder and they go home very early, intoxicated!Mind you though it takes so little i rarely get a hangover!
Im happier with coffee tbh.

N/B though, he smoked alot of hash when he was younger, and also went thru a phase of a lot of cocaine 6 months ago, when made him irritable i think.than thank god he couldn't afford it.

Sallyanne3

Would it be fair to say that he is not necessarily an alcoholic yet but may be on the road to it?He is only 28,and i am only 26

beth-lou

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

N/B though, he smoked alot of hash when he was younger, and also went thru a phase of a lot of cocaine 6 months ago, when made him irritable i think.than thank god he couldn't afford it.

I was just about to ask about coke. The constant interupting and butting into conversation kind of hinted at that. Are you sure he's not doing that too on the sly. That would explain the irritability, paranoia and the aggression, as would the alcohol. He actually sounds very like my brother.

Make no mistake about it, you are living with an alcoholic.
What you do next is up to you.

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

does everyone on this thread believe the drink is totally to blame i wonder? !

No.He's also to blame by not facing up to it. However everything you have mentioned to my mind ties into the serious side effects of prolonged alcohol abuse.Slurred speech, lack of concentration, different strain of though in the middle of a conversation etc - are not common symptoms of dyslexia.

He has no side in this. There is no defence.Drinking 70+ cans of drink at home, not to mention the pub, in a week, is an alcoholic. He's going to have more excuses than OJ Simpson.

beth-lou

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Would it be fair to say that he is not necessarily an alcoholic yet but may be on the road to it?He is only 28,and i am only 26

Oh he's an alcoholic, and without meeting him I can tell you that. i'd bet my house on it.

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Would it be fair to say that he is not necessarily an alcoholic yet but may be on the road to it?He is only 28,and i am only 26

I think it's fair to say his brain is well and truly riddled, he's on the road to having the capacities of a parsnip.

Alcoholic, past hash abuse, and a serious phase of cocaine? Lovely guy.

Sallyanne3

He is also seriously paranoid about being called stupid. sometimes says people are trying to call him that.
If we have words ,which we do, and i get frustrated by what he says, or doesn't remember, i'll say 'stop acting stupid', or worse still ' are you stupid or something' and i can't seem to help it now.
My anger is very thinly veiled now, adn its not helping.

My dad id coming to stay with us soon, and to do a bit of work for us, and i'm starting to get worried what he will end up saying to my dad, He'll probably tell me an my dad in a fit of drunkenness some night to get out as this 'is my house long before it was yours' (it was remortgaged by us, but he already had it)and when he is like that you really can't talk to him, and if like me you try to walk away he follows.

I'm praying he says nothing to my dad who is only doing us a favour.


Guys you have all been very helpful to me so far, thanks very much.

Sallyanne3

he not on the coke now, would it still be affecting him?

Sallyanne3

' he's on the road to having the capacities of a parsnip.'

You made me laugh there tho!:):rolleyes:

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

' he's on the road to having the capacities of a parsnip.'

You made me laugh there tho!:):rolleyes:

Yup glad you got a laugh out of it, you probably dont get many opportunities to do so.

However the fact remains that these symptoms he is exhibiting are actually reflecting parts of his brain that are dead/dying/and shutting down.Pretty alarmingly for someone so young.

Probably won't be as funny when he can't even lift a can for himself any longer.

iguana

Here's what I suggest you do. Leave, it doesn't have to be forever, just for now. Go stay with somebody who you can talk to about what's happening, don't feel like you are betraying his trust, if you need to talk to someone then do so. If you are close to them, tell your parents. If it's a possibility take a week off work and go see a friend you haven't seen in a while or do something you've always wanted to do. Do this because while you separate it will be best for you to do something that you enjoy and which will rebuild your confidence.

Taking some time out of this situation will show you how bad things are now. Your quality of life has probably been chipped away bit by bit over the last while and a break is really what you need. This will be good for you and it will help you decide if you really want to go back to your current living conditions. Then take it a day at a time, no decision you make has to be permanent unless you want it to be. But it's hard to make any decision when you are living in the type of environment you describe.

I won't sugar coat it, but your bf will probably use your absence to drink more. But this isn't a bad thing for you as it will only fast forward things to a point they would have reached anyway and you will have a different perspective about it if you aren't living with it. And you never know, he may find that he doesn't want to sit by himself everyday getting drunk. He may see himself how he actually is and seek help. But he won't do that while you are at home with him, taking care of him, never letting him see the actual consequences of his actions and instead providing him with a focus to divert his anger away from himself.

But most importantly, you need to take care of you.

prentice

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Would it be fair to say that he is not necessarily an alcoholic yet but may be on the road to it?He is only 28,and i am only 26

age has nothing to do with it ..

it really depends to his reaction to not drinking that would define it..

Drinking that much is the behaviour of an alcoholic.

If he can reduce it down to a reasonable amount per week without verbal ,mental or physical abuse then he not.

prentice

prentice wrote: »

age has nothing to do with it ..

it really depends to his reaction to not drinking that would define it..

Drinking that much is the behaviour of an alcoholic.

If he can reduce it down to a reasonable amount per week without verbal ,mental or physical abuse then he not.

Bit is still someone with a drinking problem.. The hash probably wrecked his short term memory. It should improve in time though.

Nevyn

He is abusive, he doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusive.

He is mentally abusive to wards you.
He is emotionally abusive to wards you.
He is financially abusive to wards you.

He abusive enough to you that you are having to leave your home on a regular bases to avoid abuse.

The drink any current or past drugs do not excuse his behaviour.

He is trying to control you and keeps picking at you making it all your fault so you try fix it and make excuses for him.

I would suggest that you please consider moving out for a while before it gets worse
and that at least you look at attending an Al anon meeting to get support.

Sallyanne3

I told him last nite gently that we can't go on the way we are, and that i want to have a proper talk with him 2nite.
Told him money isn't the biggest problem in the realtionship, its something a lot bigger than that ,which is the souce of all our issues.
I said it is something that is rotting his brain.
I also said i am sure he has issues he needs to talk about to do with me.
He replied to that that there isn't anything he needs to talk about.


B4 i said any of this i told him that i am in love with him, i do love him, and i really care about him, otherwise why would i be so worried and worked up?I hugged him when i was saying this.

So hopefully guys we may at least get started properly talking about things..
Just fingers crossed it doesn't become a row.

Any tips for how i can avoid this happening?

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

Any tips for how i can avoid this happening?

Make sure both of you are sober.Take it from there.

Sallyanne3

I don't think that will be an issue for me, nor him, unless he borrows money from sum1(not me) .

He doesn't want this talk, i know he'll go mad at anything i say, so i really was thinking about how to counteract this, as in using my own reactions to calm things down, but sure its a leaning process that i've already tried so many ways that it wasa dumb question anyway!!

But thanks,

shellyboo

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

I don't think that will be an issue for me, nor him, unless he borrows money from sum1(not me) .

He doesn't want this talk, i know he'll go mad at anything i say, so i really was thinking about how to counteract this, as in using my own reactions to calm things down, but sure its a leaning process that i've already tried so many ways that it wasa dumb question anyway!!

But thanks,

SallyAnne, I think you need to decide what you're going to say before you go in there, say it, and leave - not necessarily for good, but just to be in a different place to him.

Think to yourself now what the issues are, lay them out in your head in a list. Write them down if you need to - by the sounds of things he's going to twist your words and argue with you, so you need to be clear on what it is you want to say to him.

When you've said your piece, give him a chance to reply. If he shouts, get up and walk out of the house. Go to a friend's house. Just make it clear to him at the start that this is a discussion, not an argument, and if he gets aggressive, just leave for a few hours to let him calm down.

Hope that helps a bit.

beth-lou

I think you need to say
1. That you love him.
2. That you think he is an alcoholic.
3. Is he going to address his problem?

When he denies his drinking problem, you then have to tell him that you can't live like this anymore. His drinking is hurting you, you have to think of the future and if it is to continue as it is now, it's very bleak. And then you need to leave, let him hit rock bottom and get himself out of the sorry state he is in.

That's what you hsould do. From your posts though, this is not what you will do. You are going to let him run rings around you with his acid tongue and tell you all the things he thinks are wrong with you. You'll question yourself again, you'll blame yourself, excuse his behaviour as "normal", and keep going for a while more until something drastic happens or you just can't bear it anymore.

I really feel for you. You are in the depths of alcoholism too, even though he is the one who is drinking. He has dragged you right down there with him. Lots of people do the same, it's textbook, until you can do no more and finally you get the courage to leave. Please do get in touch with al anon. They will help you to understand what is going on and give you the tools to look after yourself. Even if you don't feel ready to leave yet, it would be good for you to get their support while you are trying to cope with the situation. Try not to let him manipulate you, and remember it is the drink talking, even if he is sober, it is still his main motivation and that is what drives him and controls him and he will do his best to keep you in this situation. He needs you to keep him afloat. When you decide to cut him free, he might get the help he needs.

All the best and look after yourself. x

Oh The Humanity

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He doesn't want this talk, i know he'll go mad at anything i say, so i really was thinking about how to counteract this, as in using my own reactions to calm things down, but sure its a leaning process that i've already tried so many ways

Sallyanne, YOU cant control his reaction. You are doing the CLASSIC enabler thing of trying to modify your own behaviour to make things ok.

You really have to listen to me and believe me YOU CANT.

Only he can, I know you know in your heart exactly what he is going to do. He is gonna flip. He is not going to like what you are going to say. He will use every dirty trick in his arsenal to get you to retract any ultimatum and make it all go back to normal (his normal)

Make no mistake the main trick in his arsenal is your pity of him. This is one of the worst and most difficult things not to be taken in by.

The person will make you believe that only YOU can 'help' them. You HAVE TO stay with them etc Its so difficult not to give in when you love the person.

Thats the worry I have for you at the moment. You are only in your 20's -think about 10 more years of this, 20 more, 30 more......

You have time now to change things. Its got to a point where you are starting to compartmentalise parts of your life...am I right?

You are already wondering how you are going to shield certain facts from you Dad. Your partners behaviour is unpredicable, he could make a scene or worse. What will your Dad think?

Ah please dont go down the road you are thinking. Love eventually becomes a prision with an alcoholic.

username123

SallyAnne,
The last 2 posts have said pretty much everything I would have said.

If you tell him you believe he is an alcoholic you can be guaranteed he is going to throw all of his toys out of the pram. He will more than likely become aggressive and bullying - its a way of making you stay away from a subject he doesnt want to discuss. He is probably also in denial.

I would agree that he could be doing coke on the side, although if he is drinking enough then that can induce the paranoia etc....

Turning things round on you is just a way of manipulating you and causing you to lose belief in yourself - all to the end of leaving him to his drinking.

You are young to be in this situation - your self esteem is being chipped away every day. You are DEFINITELY doing the classic enabler stuff, you need to learn how to behave in the face of alcoholism.

Please please go to Alanon - you dont have to change anything else in your life except going to a meeting - and there you will learn the tools to deal with this problem.

And by the way - you have NEVER 'come too far' with someone to leave them, not even if you have 6 kids for them and no income - there is ALWAYS a way for you to change your life and its up to you to find it.

With your youth you could easily make it away from this situation relatively unscarred (time to heal etc...but overall a good chance to recover).

Listen - think of the future, would you like to be in this situation only more cowed by him and more scared as your life goes on? Would you like to have kids for him who will grow up and wonder why the hell you didnt leave him or worse, who become like him and begin to abuse you also?

I promise you, end stage alcoholism is not pretty and they will take down many around them as they pass into the final stages, it affects everyone in contact with the alcoholic and you dont want to walk out of a graveyard in 30 years time thinking that you wasted your life and now the person you wasted it for is gone and you are alone because everyone else stayed away from you because of him.

username123

Just wanted to add, read this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

It helps explain how denial works in an alcoholic situation.

Plus if you want to ask me ANY questions about Alanon feel free to ask on this thread or pm me - I have a list of countrywide meetings if you need to know where to find one.

Just so you know, my father was an alcoholic, never found recovery, died (with my mother) in an alcohol related accident - left behind a totally destroyed family, my sibling has major issues, I myself found Alanon long before my father died and it saved me from possibly dying myself from stress related illness and depression.

You are NOT alone - there are plenty of people in your situation who find the way forward.

Sallyanne3

Thanks again all.

I spoke with him last nite. as in i did the talking and he refused to comment just saying'what do you want me to say?'

I told him that this is not wer i wamt to be in 10 years, wondering if he would ever change.
I also said that his physical condition as well as his mental/emotional condition is getting really bad, and could he not see this?
I told him that his memory is shot,he doesn't remember things and sometimes he does and its distorted, its affecting him day to day, he is slurring his speech after 1 drink, and his speech is getting a bit impeded in general every day and he gets so aggressive and paranoid with drink, not just with me, but in general also.
I also told him that as he wouldn't talk to me then when he has no drink in him not to come to me at the weekend wen he is full of drink.

He tried to goad me telling me how i think im perfect.
I told him i'm not in any way perfect, but that we couldn't properly address any issues we have until we sort the main one, which is what he's doing to himself and therefore us.

But then he started working on something hes doing at the house and wouldn'y listen to me by putting his headphones and ear protectors on.

I text him then cos he saying i won't stay this way wit him,But that i really do love him but that love doesn't conquer all.

After a while he watched a match on tv,
and i put 3 questions to him:
Does he think he is on the road to alcoholism?
Answer: he doesn't know

Is he seeing someone else?
Answer: No, but are u? as you go away for 24 hours at a time to your 'friends'

(i do do this basically cos one of my mates is far away and i have to bus it, and also to get some peace, i also know he has never and would never cheat, i wouldn't either)

Do you really want to be with me?
Answer: doesn't know any more, cos of the way i'm behaving.

That was all! I made us supper and went to bed, he then text me and said he really does love me, i said back to him the same, and that that wouldn't change, but other things had to.

I feel there is going to be a blow up now,and i'm nervous.

Well something has to give but it can't be me this time, it needs to be the way he conducts his alcohol consumption.

I'm preparing for the worst and looking at renting the house out as he can't afford to pay mortgage on his own.

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He tried to goad me telling me how i think im perfect.

They're the words of someone who realises he has a problem himself.

Good work though.It's not a nice situation but it has to be done. For the both of you.

Sallyanne3

thanks, yea, its fingers crossed from here but i'm not pushing him really, and i hope i'm being positively supportive, but i need results.

In the mean time we are having some normal conversation, not just about us. I hope he doesn't really think i'll drop the subject because of that.
I want to show him we can sort things out without making a huge deal of things and sacrificing normal life.
Is that a bad idea?

He doesn't know yet my thinkin on renting the house if we don't get progress and probably won't allow it but i know there are ways around it.
I think i should probably keep that option to myself for now.

prinz

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

thanks, yea, its fingers crossed from here but i'm not pushing him really, and i hope i'm being positively supportive, but i need results.

There won't be immediate results. It rarely works that way. This is going to be along hard struggle - provided he wants to change. If he doesn't then it might be time for you to go your own way.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

In the mean time we are having some normal conversation, not just about us. I hope he doesn't really think i'll drop the subject because of that.
I want to show him we can sort things out without making a huge deal of things and sacrificing normal life.
Is that a bad idea?

No it's not. Try to have a normal life, relationship. As long as by normal you don't mean regular consumption levels.Every time you sit down for a chat point out that you want it to be a sober one.

Sallyanne3 wrote: »

He doesn't know yet my thinkin on renting the house if we don't get progress and probably won't allow it but i know there are ways around it.
I think i should probably keep that option to myself for now.

I would for now. Just keep talking to him. Try to get him to admit to himself and to you that he has a problem. When that's done you can begin to workout a way foward - hopefully.

beth-lou

Well done Sallyanne for taking the first step and not having a full blown row.

Did you actually tell him that you think he is an alcoholic?
Did you tell him that he needs to get treatment or you're leaving?

I think the softly, softly approach can work in some situations, but not in this one. You need to be more direct, so there's no confusion, for his sake and yours. Otherwise it might be a big shock if you move out.

Lay it on the table, be honest but calm and let him make his decision.
You're half way there, but you still have a way to go.
Don't get angry, there's no point, just tell him what you feel.
Stop asking him how he feels. Tell him how you see it.
The rest is up to him.

Sallyanne3

Yes, i think you mean show him that he can still function as a fun loving human being without drink!

It will be a battle but hopefully we get there. He is not someone who really appreciates the simpler things in life at the moment unless its cheap alcohol..

If i could get him to stop drinking at home it would be a huge improvement tbh.

I'm preparing for one way or the other.

I have had no confirmation from him that he will try to change yet, as you know, but if he starts to change behaviour without actually saying anything, for the better, i guess thats a start.

I'm not sure if i should expect all or nothing on the drink front all the same, as in i actually don't expect miracles, maybe small steps, but should i be aiming higher with it?..

Oh The Humanity

Yep Well done Sallyanne Stick to your guns and keep getting out of the house when you can.

Pop into an Alanon meeting -its for the partners and family of alcohilics, to support you and help you keep thinking clearly.

You dont have to speak if you dont want to, just listen if you like

Take care and mind yourself x

Sallyanne3

I actually told him that i think he is on the road to becoming an alcoholic, i didn't say he was yet. but that i wasn't prepared to be in the saem or worse sitaution with him 10 years time.

you answered the question i just posed about the softly softly approach as i wrote it i think..

Sallyanne3

Hi there Prinz, no i don't mean regular consumption levels!! but he is going to try and justify himself that just a pint or two in the pub is ok,which it is in theory, but then hel want to have cans at home, but for some reason i think its not ok at home as he behaves differently

beth-lou

I suppose you can let him try to cut back and see if he is capable of it.
If he can keep it to the weekend, and his general demeanor improves then perhaps you can go this route.

But if he can't, and he continues the way he is now, what will you do?
This is a very hard decision, but you need to think about this possibility so you are mentally prepared to deal with it.

Again well done, and I second the al anon recommendation.