So the friend I adore had a successful date!

LegacyUser

I have posted here before about a girl that I have fallen badly for.

The next few days was going to see me meet with her and tell her my feelings. Others thinks she may feel likewise, I suspect she will not but I need to get it off my chest.

Today she tells me she had a successful date and over the past few days. i didn't ask anything else but have felt sick all day. The bus may have passed! I know it is only one date but I do feel that selfish and all as it is now is the time I must approach her (even though she is one of my best friends) and ask her direct or else live with regrets.

Any thoughts. Should I just let her get on with whatever she is doing and hope that she will be happy.

tolosenc

One date. She didn't get married.

TALK TO HER.

LegacyUser

It's only one date she doesn't know the person at all - yet
So get in there and talk to her before it's too late
Life is too short to wonder about the what ifs, the worst she can say is no.
Good luck

Otis Driftwood

Tell her ASAP mate.

CDfm

Its just one date -but if she is into the guy your timing might be wrong.

Less of telling your true feelings unless you are going to tell her you think she is really hot. You are trying to exit friendzone.

LegacyUser

I hate to say it but in HER eyes you have fallen into the 'lets just be friends' trap. She DOESN'T see you as potential dating material and possibly doesn't even view you in a sexual light otherwise she would have picked you over this other dude.

Take home advice .. next girl you see that you like don't try the nice guy routine. Switch it up and let her know that you see her as a potential partner and not as platonic friends.

Whatever you do .. DON'T take nedtheshed's advice. You will just make yourself look like a total loser. Just chalk it down to experience and move along to the next girl. Simple really.

LegacyUser

It is a date, even if its a series of dates and they are hitting it off you should tell her if that is how you really feel.

Let her make her choice, and respect it.

But if you don't you will only regret it and drive yourself mad, not accepting that she is with somebody else and blaming yourself.

Otis Driftwood

To me,a couple of days feeling like a bit of a loser is worth the risk my friend.
At least you know where you stand and you can move on.

Munster_Gal

Tell her. At least then you'll know and you can try to move on!

Wibbs

Very possible friendzone. Now you can tell her, but then the cats outa the bag and the friendship is on very shaky ground. The chances are pretty high she suspects already. In which case game over for anything more. If she doesn't and may feel the same then telling her may have the desired effect. Don't get too emotional when you tell her. Just say out straight, that you like her and could see something good out of this and ask her what she feels about that. Dont use words like "love" etc.

If she says lets be mates, then you're in a bind. If you stay around as her "mate" then her new relationship(if it is one) is going to be in your face. It'll also stop you meeting someone else. If it was me? If I suddenly felt romantic towards one of my women mates, I would back off and most likely cut all contact until that passed.

Wagon

She only went out with this lad once. May as well tell her, at the very least it'll give your head a little rest when you know the answer.

getcover

For your own sake, just tell her how you feel. Don't go through your life wondering about might have beens, or regrets that you didn't try.
Don't worry about it being akward in the future, if it's the end of a friendship because of honesty, then it ain't much of a friendship. If you are really friends, you'll both get over it and it will work itself out.
Don't ever let things go unsaid, when a conversation will probably do a lot to sort it all out.

SarahSassy

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Aloysius Flyte

Unregistered wrote: »

I have posted here before about a girl that I have fallen badly for.

The next few days was going to see me meet with her and tell her my feelings. Others thinks she may feel likewise, I suspect she will not but I need to get it off my chest.

Today she tells me she had a successful date and over the past few days. i didn't ask anything else but have felt sick all day. The bus may have passed! I know it is only one date but I do feel that selfish and all as it is now is the time I must approach her (even though she is one of my best friends) and ask her direct or else live with regrets.

Any thoughts. Should I just let her get on with whatever she is doing and hope that she will be happy.

Has it occured to you that she might have told you about the amazing date to see how your reaction would be? Given that you haven't done anything about your feelings in the past and she's tired of waiting?

Lay your cards on the table. If you don't you'll regret it.

CDfm

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Has it occured to you that she might have told you about the amazing date to see how your reaction would be? Given that you haven't done anything about your feelings in the past and she's tired of waiting?

Lay your cards on the table. If you don't you'll regret it.

I agree.

None of this feeble lost puppy stuff either. More like " I like you a lot and think you are incredibly hot". Kinda like wow -rather than feel sorry for me.

indieguy

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

Has it occured to you that she might have told you about the amazing date to see how your reaction would be? Given that you haven't done anything about your feelings in the past and she's tired of waiting?

Lay your cards on the table. If you don't you'll regret it.

I agree.... Thats been my experience in the past....I came to know later on that she went out just for a casual date and nothing was going to click between them..but as I didnt say anythin , she was gone.... Give it a shot....

hobochris

Grow a pair,Man up and tell her!

If you don't the regret will consume you.

msg11

Its always 50/50.. Just give it a try, but if you want too win then be prepared to lose.. :rolleyes: . Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all the advices.

I have arranged to meet her in the next couple of days and will tell her how I feel.

One part of me says yes maybe it is a game she is playing - she has been paying me particular attention over the last day or two, needless phone calls etc, but I do genuinely believe that she really enjoyed this date. Good for her - it is not somebody she knew previously, and he is 5/6 years older than her so it is very early in the day. Even if she into him I guess all I can do is regret sitting on the fence and ask her to make her own choice.

On the other hand - the friend zone - is obviously the very realistic place for me.

zxcvbnm1

Man - you gotta tell her.

I was in the exact same position in the past i.e. a friend who i really fancied the pants off.

I suspcted she didn't feel the same though.

I told her anyway as i would have exploded otherwise.

She wasn't interested.

Don't regret it for a second though.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.



On the other hand - the friend zone - is obviously the very realistic place for me.

I have just grabbed a tissue - dont give in to it.

pearljamfan

id let her know how u feel, otherwise youd always wonder what if, if ure really friends then any awkwardness will go away after a while id say and youll be able to laugh about it. but girls do play awful games so she might just feeel the same way, u never know until u say it!! let us know how u get on.

LegacyUser

On thing that annoys me about some of the blokes here is the typical Irish guy crap they spout. The 'man up and grow a pair' philosophy that seems to be rife here. Seriously take it from me you are going to make yourself come across as completely desperate and needy. She is going to feel completely awkward and make excuses and want to be out of your company asap.

Srsly don't make a complete klutz of yourself. This isn't some fairy tale nonsense where she is going to fall into your arms and say 'oh darling I feel the same way and was waiting for the day you would say that'. It will be awkward, and highly uncomfortable for her and make you look like a complete bone head.

LegacyUser

Talked47 I don't think the poster is expecting "fairytale" stuff to happen.

Maybe he will feel stupid, and look desperate but if this girl is any kind of friend she should just be flattered, maybe feel awkward. Depending on how he conducts himself afterwards i cannot see why they can just move on if her response is negative.

I know if any of my male friends were to approach me like that i would admire them for having the guts to say it so openly and put friendship on the line. The poster should insist that this girl takes time to think things through - she may get a shock!

Leah-G1

Most girls I know make it really obvious(or somewhat obvious) when then like someone. If she has'nt left serious hints I would think twice about telling her the whole truth. Play your cards close to your chest...flirt with her when you are out and try and get some vibes before putting yourself out completley...If you feel the vibes are romantically good,go fer it (i.e touching back,laughing at all your jokes,leaning in close etc etc) but if she is acting like normal be careful.Throw a few hints and suss it out?Have you even got any friends who could help you? nothing better than the ole girly chat in the toilets to find out the real truth!

Its easy for everyone to say "go for it,only live once etc" .You want to keep some amount of pride. If one of my male friends said it to me..I'll be honest and say I would be mortified.Could end up being a highly embarrassing situation so please please be careful!

Thinking about it,I cant think of a time when a platonic relationship changed because one person confessed their undying love.Dont get me wrong...relationships do change but I think both people know when that is happening.

Best of Luck regardless!

CDfm

Leah-G1 wrote: »

Its easy for everyone to say "go for it,only live once etc" .You want to keep some amount of pride. If one of my male friends said it to me..I'll be honest and say I would be mortified.

At the same time if you have a guy as a friend and he is crazy about you it would be a lot better for him to be straight up rather than not. Embarassing maybe -but a lot better than a drunken alternative.

So maybe your woman leads OP on and is a tease well now is her chance.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Really appreciate all the views. The diverging opinions are certainly giving food for thought. I still think I owe it to myself to say what I feel at this stage. It may be selfish, but otherwise is there a falsness to our friendship until this is resolved?

Some more background. I am 31, she is 30. We have similar interests. Would meet up and go for dinner together frequently. Same values, and same future plans. I am shy, she is outgoing. I do believe friendship is a good starting point for a relationship. The thrill and excitement of getting to know somebody isn't there but we both would like to meet somebody and settle down and maybe the answer is there starring at both of us.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Some more background. I am 31, she is 30. We have similar interests. Would meet up and go for dinner together frequently. Same values, and same future plans. I am shy, she is outgoing. I do believe friendship is a good starting point for a relationship. The thrill and excitement of getting to know somebody isn't there but we both would like to meet somebody and settle down and maybe the answer is there starring at both of us.

OP - I thought you were much younger and now am more confident you should .

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Really appreciate all the views. The diverging opinions are certainly giving food for thought. I still think I owe it to myself to say what I feel at this stage. It may be selfish, but otherwise is there a falsness to our friendship until this is resolved?

Some more background. I am 31, she is 30. We have similar interests. Would meet up and go for dinner together frequently. Same values, and same future plans. I am shy, she is outgoing. I do believe friendship is a good starting point for a relationship. The thrill and excitement of getting to know somebody isn't there but we both would like to meet somebody and settle down and maybe the answer is there starring at both of us.

In my experience when a girl has strong feels for a man who is a friend, they withdraw from the man, avoid them, because they don't know what to do around them because of their feelings.
You seem to be in the friends zone to me, and it's completely different for males and females, a man can go from friend to lover easily it doesn't work like that for woman, they need the initial stark and attraction.

CDfm wrote:

OP - I thought you were much younger and now am more confident you should .

better than tv isn't it

If you are going to tell her, do it strong, don't wimper "I love you"
Talk yourself up first, say how you meets lots of girls and none of them do it for you, and you've come to realise it's because there not you.
I was chatting up this smart, hot girl the other night and it suddenly hit me that I was wasting my time becuase it's you I fancy.
I'm not asking you to marry or anything, lets go on a date, date and see what happens, I know this is a lot to drop on you, so I'll let you think about it for a few days and give you a call then to see how you feel. Then walk away, if you're lucky she'll run after you and kiss you, you'll live happily ever after

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Don't get too emotional when you tell her. Just say out straight, that you like her and could see something good out of this and ask her what she feels about that. Dont use words like "love" etc.

As a woman in the same position as the OP I'm wondering, what do people think is the best way to approach a man about this kind of thing? In the same way or is it different? I don't want to freak him out!

CDfm

unregged_lady wrote: »

As a woman in the same position as the OP I'm wondering, what do people think is the best way to approach a man about this kind of thing? In the same way or is it different? I don't want to freak him out!

Well its not really any different. I think the hard part is avoiding the friendzone thing without being awkward.

Bite the bullet and keep it simple - like some posters say not spouting goo or gibberish is impotant. So keep it real. I would say go to somewhere confortable like shopping or say a gallery for lunch.

Words might be " I like you in those jeans - but you know I think you are incredibly hot anyway" or " Funny thing -I was on a date and found myself wishing it was you" . A bit mushy......but its unavoidable.

So a short statement that opens the issue up naturally in a quiet place that might be a bit romantic without making it heavy or embarressing would be good.You only have to say around 15 words or so.

Anyone else any ideas of where and what to say,

Joey the lips

Tell her how you feel before its to late

but dont forget to remind her that if she does not feel the same you still want to be friends because although you love her you would understand her feelings but never want to loose her as a friend

Best of luck

panda100

CDfm wrote: »

Words might be " I like you in those jeans - but you know I think you are incredibly hot anyway" ,

Oh god no please dont say this! Its a bit creepy when you find out someone you just view as a friend secretly finds you 'incredibly hot'.

I've been in the situation a few times where male friends of mine have declared romantic feelings for me.The fact that you say she is outgoing,like myself, leads me to believe that If she was intrested in you romantically she would have said something to you by now.
However, honesty is the best policy and you should lay your cards on the table. I think the best approach is to tell her that you've been thinking about her a lot recently and that you think you have feelings towards her that could be more than friendship.
That keeps its vague enough to cover yourself if she rejects you but also will let her know that you have romantic inclinations towards her.

cantdecide

Joey the lips wrote: »

...remind her that if she does not feel the same you still want to be friends...

I would do the opposite and tell her 'I know it might end our friendship but that's what I'm willing to do to find out', or something to that effect...

Playing the odds, she may not want to see you for a while. That must be the basis of your approach.

panda100 wrote: »

Oh god no please dont say this! Its a bit creepy

+1

No point being creepy and over familiar in order to find out the lie of the land. I think that if she was in any way open to the suggestion, these techniques could be enough to tip her back the other way.

Just come out with it and be confident.

CDfm

panda100 wrote: »

Oh god no please dont say this! Its a bit creepy when you find out someone you just view as a friend secretly finds you 'incredibly hot'.

I've been in the situation a few times where male friends of mine have declared romantic feelings for me.

I disagree and am on the OPs side.

The OP isnt a perve or a schoolboy and if he is wasting his time on this woman he needs to know- being friends with her and her actively dating is an emotional cost for him -so maybe its time for him to say something or end the friendship.He wants a relationship and by not resolving this -it can hold him back.

Maybe he is the type of guy we all know that goes out and pays for dinner and shopping trips and is being treated like a boyfriend. It happens.

I have female friends who are "hot" but they are friends and no romance whatever but really great friends.

The OP is shy and wants a woman for more than friendship and sees this woman as having the correct potential.

If this leads to the OP saying right - I am a nice guy and want a nice woman and it would improve my life. I am going to start with my friend and if she ain't available I am going to really go for it elsewhere -then thats a really good and positive thing.

CDfm

cantdecide wrote: »

No point being creepy and over familiar in order to find out the lie of the land. I think that if she was in any way open to the suggestion, these techniques could be enough to tip her back the other way.

Just come out with it and be confident.

So saying you have a nice ass in them jeans would be totally wrong.

Maybe the words are wrong but hey - can you make a suggestion to the OP on how he can go and say it without feeling stupid and gormless.

cantdecide

I can do improv....

"So I have something to tell and you may not like it but I hope you do.

You probably know that I've always enjoyed your company and admired you. The problem is I've actually developed feelings for you.

I have to admit that when you told me about your date last week I was a little heartbroken to say the least so I've decided before you get into something with another guy to grab the bull by the horns and just come out with it and ask you out.

I hope you say yes but I do know that if you say no that it might damage our friendship but I've realised that it's just too important to me to not say something"

Nice and light hearted...

panda100

CDfm wrote: »

I disagree and am on the OPs side.

The OP isnt a perve or a schoolboy and if he is wasting his time on this woman he needs to know- being friends with her and her actively dating is an emotional cost for him -so maybe its time for him to say something or end the friendship.He wants a relationship and by not resolving this -it can hold him back.

Maybe he is the type of guy we all know that goes out and pays for dinner and shopping trips and is being treated like a boyfriend. It happens.

I have female friends who are "hot" but they are friends and no romance whatever but really great friends.

The OP is shy and wants a woman for more than friendship and sees this woman as having the correct potential.

If this leads to the OP saying right - I am a nice guy and want a nice woman and it would improve my life. I am going to start with my friend and if she ain't available I am going to really go for it elsewhere -then thats a really good and positive thing.

Yes I agree to your general sentiment but as the op is shy, coming out with a James Bond type 'You look hot in those jeans' is a bit too lothario and creepy coming from a friend. Unless he's a naturally cheeky chappy guy who can get away with that type of compliment.

Personally after reading the op's posts I think he should go for something more like this: 'Look Ive been thinking a bit about you recently and I think I have feelings for you that are a bit deeper than just friends. I dont want to harm our friendship by saying this because I think your a really special person and I value your friendship a lot. But I just feel that I should tell you how I feel because I dont want to regret not having told you what a beautiful person I think you are inside and out'.

cantdecide

panda100 wrote: »

Yes I agree to your general sentiment but as the op is shy, coming out with a James Bond type 'You look hot in those jeans' is a bit too lothario and creepy coming from a friend. Unless he's a naturally cheeky chappy guy who can get away with that type of compliment.

Personally after reading the op's posts I think he should go for something more like this: 'Look Ive been thinking a bit about you recently and I think I have feelings for you that are a bit deeper than just friends. I dont want to harm our friendship by saying this because I think your a really special person and I value your friendship a lot. But I just feel that I should tell you how I feel because I dont want to regret not having told you what a beautiful person I think you are inside and out'.

+1

Just don't be wet as a haddock's swimsuit either...

CDfm

panda100 wrote: »

Personally after reading the op's posts I think he should go for something more like this: 'Look Ive been thinking a bit about you recently and I think I have feelings for you that are a bit deeper than just friends. I dont want to harm our friendship by saying this because I think your a really special person and I value your friendship a lot. But I just feel that I should tell you how I feel because I dont want to regret not having told you what a beautiful person I think you are inside and out'.

I am not suggesting he changes his personality but it sounds like he wants a real girlfriend.

Your chat up line is more like a speech from the dock- the poor girl will have died of boredom and something that wont lead to a response like "{Name} I thought you were gay". This is chat up day and not gut spilling day.

Maybe something like " I am really looking for a girlfriend right now - do you have any nice friends -some one like you- you can introduce me too"

cantdecide wrote: »

+1

Just don't be wet as a haddock's swimsuit either...

I am not well known being delicate in my use of language. Surely someone can suggest something a bit less lively that puts OP in the meat market.

LegacyUser

Something like - We have been friends for a while, I think you are beautiful and love being around you and think we could be very good together. I don't know if you have given it any thought, but maybe you would and i'l call you in a couple of days

LegacyUser

OP - I went thru a relationship GAP -my choice. I am shy with women and outgoing enough otherwise.

My first dates with my girlfriend of 6 months were Gaffe Central Station. We met for coffee and in 20 mins I had managed to comment on her boobs and look up her skirt. I was mortified (she would say terrified). Next date was a struggle - I managed to mention her well fitting jeans and long legs.

What made me do it - the Gaffes were nervousness.Feck - as I learned if she had been put off or hadnt picked up on my nervousness-she wasnt for me.Having close friendships with women helped me because I wanted to date a woman and not a girl. G/f is also very career minded & intelligient and she says herself intimidating. So its no harm to raise the bar a bit.

Final tip. Being close friends with women helped me.

So OP. Good luck and you sound like a good man.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Something like - We have been friends for a while, I think you are beautiful and love being around you and think we could be very good together. I don't know if you have given it any thought, but maybe you would and i'l call you in a couple of days

Isn't this a bit girlie and he doesnt want her to think of him that way no more.Where is the Sheik of Araby on his white charger or Cork farmer on his combine harvester?

norrie rugger

Unregistered wrote: »

I have posted here before about a girl that I have fallen badly for.

The next few days was going to see me meet with her and tell her my feelings. Others thinks she may feel likewise, I suspect she will not but I need to get it off my chest.

Today she tells me she had a successful date and over the past few days. i didn't ask anything else but have felt sick all day. The bus may have passed! I know it is only one date but I do feel that selfish and all as it is now is the time I must approach her (even though she is one of my best friends) and ask her direct or else live with regrets.

Any thoughts. Should I just let her get on with whatever she is doing and hope that she will be happy.

I chickened out of telling a friend and regretted it for a bloody long time. The friendship fizzled out (naturally with distance, partners etc) but regretted not acting for an age

cantdecide

norrie rugger wrote: »

...The friendship fizzled out...but regretted not acting for an age...

They always do and that's why most friendships are worth ending over romantic feelings...

It's easy to think you're doing the right thing by just being there for your friend but when you fall for her, don't say anything out of respect and then you end up not seeing her any more as the friendship fizzles, it's easy to see then why you should just come out with these things...

norrie rugger

Leah-G1 wrote: »

Most girls I know make it really obvious(or somewhat obvious) when then like someone. If she has'nt left serious hints I would think twice about telling her the whole truth. Play your cards close to your chest...flirt with her when you are out and try and get some vibes before putting yourself out completley...If you feel the vibes are romantically good,go fer it (i.e touching back,laughing at all your jokes,leaning in close etc etc) but if she is acting like normal be careful.Throw a few hints and suss it out?Have you even got any friends who could help you? nothing better than the ole girly chat in the toilets to find out the real truth!

Its easy for everyone to say "go for it,only live once etc" .You want to keep some amount of pride. If one of my male friends said it to me..I'll be honest and say I would be mortified.Could end up being a highly embarrassing situation so please please be careful!

Thinking about it,I cant think of a time when a platonic relationship changed because one person confessed their undying love.Dont get me wrong...relationships do change but I think both people know when that is happening.

Best of Luck regardless!

Wher is that movie clip, where they say that guys do not get hints?
I think it went along the lines of " you could walk up to him naked carrying a sign saying 'I Love You' and he still would not get it, unless you actually tell him"

norrie rugger

cantdecide wrote: »

They always do and that's why most friendships are worth ending over romantic feelings...

It's easy to think you're doing the right thing by just being there for your friend but when you fall for her, don't say anything out of respect and then you end up not seeing her any more as the friendship fizzles, it's easy to see then why you should just come out with these things...

Bingo

CDfm

norrie rugger wrote: »

Bingo

....even if you say them badly

LegacyUser

Hi there, iv been readin about the op's prob for the last few days and even tho i am only ever a lurker i felt like i had to throw in my tuppence

Bout 6 yrs ago, a close friend of mine, who id been friends with for years, asked me if id like to be with him..completely out of the blue, i had absolutle NO romantic feelings for him..(im not a conceited bi-atch, i was seriously NOT confident, wouldnt have dreamt he liked me..i thought was one of the lads..)

Obv i was mortified, i kinda just laughed it off, he'd had a few drinks and had just broken up with someone so i got onto him about just lookin for a handy rebound etc etc(in a jokey, ha ha, im going to dye of embarrasment if i dont laugh it off kindof way)

Thinks were kinda awkward between us for a bit, but both of us were tryin extra hard to pretend to be normal..dont get me wrong i absolutely loved this guy to bits as a friend, all my other friends were all on to me that we'd be prefect together but i just didnt think of him like that..

ANYWAY..girls being girls, i kinda thought about it and thought about it and one night..after a few too many..i decided feck it, our friendship cant be the same regardless..why not give it a go..so i cornered him, interrogated him about his motives(again, doubtful that he could actually want me..) and we ended up kissing...and OH MY GOD..everything changed..

there was such a spark, i could never have seen it coming, i thought that if we did get together id kinda have to force myself into thinking about him differently but it just happened, after that first kiss i was completely in love with him..(corney to the extreme i kno!!)

He was not my type, i didnt fancy him before but it just worked..from the first night we fell into the absolutely best relationship i ever had, we were so comfortable together beacuse of the friendship but the passion was there beause that side of things was all new...

im happy to say we are still together, just bought a house and have been engaged since christmas..im so so lucky that he forced me to open my eyes(and im never allowed to forget it lol)..girls can be so blinkered to whats right in front of them..

I know its hard but i think you should ask her out..not in an intense "ur all i can think about" way..keep it light, if she says no...dont be disheartened, its prob just her first instinct..you'l have planted the seed and give her time to think about you in her own time...

im eternally grateful to my OH for having the guts to take a chance..imagine wat we would have missed???..dont live to regret your fears!!!
sorry bout the long post, good luck

norrie rugger

CDfm wrote: »

....even if you say them badly

As long as you say them

CDfm

this is getting seriously mushy and its all blokes:pac: