Big fight with fiancée about cleaning

LegacyUser

Basically my situation is this.
A few years ago met a lovely girl. Had a nice uncomplicated relationship. About 18 months ago I moved in to her flat and while she was a bit bossy I didn't

mind. We are engaged to be married the wedding is in 3 months.

I lost my job about 3 weeks ago and since then have been looking everywhere and anywhere. My girlfriend supportive but worried. I went for an interview in a

Pizza place on Monday and I found out today that I didn't get that job. Thing is that I didn't want it. It paid less than half my old job and I reckon I

will have a new (real) job soon enough. I guess that's what they felt too. I only went for it to keep busy really and so that I could say to myself that I

would take any job I got.

Anyway yesterday she asks me will I clean the flat while she's at work. So I did. I cleaned it it till it shone. Polished the blinds. Cleaned on top of

all the presses. Polished everywhere. Mopped the floors . Wiped the skirting board. Cleaned the windows; you name it. Had to go out and left expecting

some well earned kudos.

Herself was raging. She said that I had moved everything. The pictures weren't in the right places. The cutlery drawer was misarranged (I had taken

everything out and cleaned the cutlery drawer). 'The washing powders and bottles not in the right places'. She couldn't find her hairclips. Why couldn't I

have put everything back where I found it. She had 'walked from room to room getting angrier and angrier'.

Did I really think that she 'had spent 2 years getting this apartment the way I [She] like it so that you [me] could fuc k it up?'.
Why was I smirking at her. Why wouldn't I talk to her. What was I getting annoyed about?



Then she asked me to leave.

So now I am at a friends house.

Any advice?

AnnieB82

Hi there, well I would say her reaction is way over the top. If you really made such an effort then she should appreciate that even if a few things are not where they belong. Maybe she thinks you did it on purpose - you know the whole 'do a job badly so I wont be asked again' thing. Or else if you generally don't help with the cleaning etc, she possibly could've had anger boiling up for the last while.
Either way throwing you out is a bit much I think. Maybe you should explain that you really made an effort and that you don't think she treated you fairly. Maybe for the next time you can make more effort to put things back where they belong...

Lab_Mouse

She threw you out over you doing the cleaning?She over reacted badly.You done nothing wrong let her say sorry.With a wedding coming up that would set the alarm bells ringing.

At least she wont ask you to do the cleaning again:D

Also you have been living with her for year and a half so she shouldnt see it as her flat now..

good luck hope you get it sorted

star-pants

You cleaned & went out & when you came home she was fuming?

Now I know I'm very specific about where things are and how I like them and I can get irritated if they get moved etc. Like years ago my mother cleaning my room would move things about and I'd get really annoyed & frustrated and have to fix everything (perhaps a little ocd). But what your fiancé has done is waaaaaay OTT... throwing you out because you put things in the wrong place?
All I can assume is that she came home, went for things that weren't there, got more annoyed as she looked around the house (perhaps an element of you not doing it right so you wouldn't be asked again -- not saying you did this, but she might have thought it) and by the time you came home she was fuming. Maybe she felt you didn't care about the place enough to remember where things were. Again not saying that's what you did but trying to explain her mind.

Either way she'd no right to ask you to leave because you hadn't done things to her standard. I assume you found it funny at first her being mad? and then you said she was asking why you wouldn't talk to her/what were you getting annoyed about?... may I ask what transpired there? Did ye have an arguement or did she just ask you to leave?

I would suggest ringing her and telling her you thought she'd be pleased you'd done your best to clean the place, that you hadn't realied that you'd misplaced stuff but that she shouldn't be so mad at you for that. And hopefully she'll have calmed down and ye can talk it out.

MrMojoRising

nicely played OP. you'll never be asked to clean again

Lillylilly

OP, it doesn't sound like your cleaning was the real issue behing her throwing the wobbler!! Not unless she's a big organised clean freak, which you never mentioned!
My boyfriend always messes my stuff up when he cleans, but sure it's not like he throws it out- it still exists, just in a different spot!!!
Maybe she is stressing about the financial implications of you losing your job, final preparation for the wedding and just the doom and gloom of every day life at the mo!! I don't mean to sound sexist (I am a girly, after all), but it could've been the hormones too!!!
If she answers your calls/ texts, I'd say be all sweet and softly softly, but acknowledge that there's clearly something else on her mind. Maybe she just needs to talk about her concerns/ fears.

Good luck,

L.

seamus

About 18 months ago I moved in to her flat

There's your problem right there. She still thinks it's "her flat", and you're just the annoying lodger who doesn't put stuff back in the right place.
This girl needs to cop on; You're getting married therefore it's no longer "her place" it's your (plural) place. If she can't get out of that mindset, then I'd suggest that you start from scratch and find a new place for both of you to get the way you like it.

My OH similarly has a "place" for everything, whereas I'm much more fluid and I'm happy so long as something can be found again. I've softened her up mostly but when I move something and she doesn't like it, she tells me why she has it in the place she does. 99% of the time she has a logical reason why something is in its place, which means that I remember the next time. But at the same time it's *our* house and I can bloody well move whatever the hell I like.

Gazza22

Lillylilly wrote: »

OP, it doesn't sound like your cleaning was the real issue behing her throwing the wobbler!! Not unless she's a big organised clean freak, which you never mentioned!
My boyfriend always messes my stuff up when he cleans, but sure it's not like he throws it out- it still exists, just in a different spot!!!
Maybe she is stressing about the financial implications of you losing your job, final preparation for the wedding and just the doom and gloom of every day life at the mo!! I don't mean to sound sexist (I am a girly, after all), but it could've been the hormones too!!!
If she answers your calls/ texts, I'd say be all sweet and softly softly, but acknowledge that there's clearly something else on her mind. Maybe she just needs to talk about her concerns/ fears.

Good luck,

L.

I agree with most of what you said above, this has to be another issue which has surfaced from this argument. However regarding the piece in bold, if i was the OP i certainly wouldn't be "all sweet and softy softy" about this situation. His OH is way out of line for doing this, being asked to leave when there's only three months to a wedding?

I'd let her contact me and be all sweet and softy! A normal person would realise the flaw in this arguement by now so she needs to contact the OP.

Nitxteha

You know people by their reactions. It's fair that you clean the house if you stay at home at the moment, but if she wanted things done differently she should have said quiet and nicely. There are more important things in this life.

She may be worried because you are getting married and you don't have a job right now..However, it's only in times of difficulties when you see if your partner really cares. When you get married is for the good and the bad, for good times and bad times, etc..or?

Sooner or later you are going to get a job, but she's going to be the same person. If she's going to have these reactions in bad times, think twice about getting married.

Good luck.

themacdaddy

Jeeez mate if she throws you out over that I think you may be in a spot of bother down the line regarding your relationship. Marriages are not all plain sailing and if she can do that over cleaning imagine what could happen if some real problem occurs.

However maybe the cleaning may not be the real reason for getting so angry. Maybe it is all the stress and tension of the wedding and your lack of job/income etc. If this is the case IMHO this is still not a valid reason to get so angry.

Has she ever acted like this before? Is her behaviour out of the norm or is this a common occurence?

If I were you I would not contact her. Let her come to you. I think she very much over stepped a boundary here.

ceegee

Tell her the cop the f**k on! She's way out of line, its not *her* apartment, you both live there and she needs to get a grip.
Personally I'd react badly in a situation like this and go out of my to way to rearrange stuff slyly over the next few days. Childish and counterproductive but satisfying.

JJJJNR

Be honest now, when you say you "had" to go out, did you come back pissed.

If not I would seriously be considering my options, this going off on one is a serious indicator of whats in store for you.

Lillylilly

Gazza22 wrote: »

I agree with most of what you said above, this has to be another issue which has surfaced from this argument. However regarding the piece in bold, if i was the OP i certainly wouldn't be "all sweet and softy softy" about this situation. His OH is way out of line for doing this, being asked to leave when there's only three months to a wedding?

I'd let her contact me and be all sweet and softy! A normal person would realise the flaw in this arguement by now so she needs to contact the OP.

I'm just saying that if it was me throwing a wobbler about something that didn't matter, I reckon that I'd be all upset and broken and would appreciate my boy being all sweet and nice.
She thinks he he did something wrong so if he appears to have his tail between his legs to start the conversation, he'll make her open to chatting to him!! She clearly isn't his number one fan anyway!!

I reckon this approach would work with me....... am I just a psycho girl?!?!?! haha!!!

L.

Hagar

Unregistered wrote: »

Then she asked me to leave.

So now I am at a friends house.

Any advice?

Stay there.

LegacyUser

She needs to understand that she has had 18 months of you going along with her way of doing things in the flat, now it's time for her to compromise.

What kind of a way is that to treat the person you supposedly love above all others? When you think about it, if you had a cleaning lady and she moved everything around (while doing an excellent job on the actual cleaning), you would still not be justified in ranting and raving at her - you'd have to sit down with her and point out calmly that the agreement you have is that you pay her to clean and it's important to you that everything is replaced carefully, so could she please keep that in mind in future.

So if you wouldn't talk to a cleaning lady like that, why on earth would you talk to the love of your life with such disrespect? I think she needs to learn a lot more about compromise, mutual respect and dealing with conflict before you get married OP!

I would sit her down and tell her that while her stuff is obviously important to her, being treated with respect and consideration is important to you. Ask her how does she see your married life progressing - does she assume that she will make ALL the decisions about living arrangements, how to organize things, and you will ALWAYS be obliged to abide by her wishes like a servant? Tell her that you expect her to find a more constructive way of sharing her feelings with you in future - and PLEASE stand your ground OP!

Cormb

MrMojoRising wrote: »

nicely played OP. you'll never be asked to clean again

Perhaps a case of the adage of "do it wrong the first time, and you'll not be asked to do it again"

OP - it certainly sounds like she over-reacted and under-appreciated your efforts. I have come across people like that before and theres no pleasing them no matter what you try (in my experience).
Is this the first time this has happend? or has there be other occurances?

if its only the once, maybe its just something shes particularly fussy about?

bicardi19

I wouldnt call her. just sit back and wait for her to come grovelling.
Trust me it will happen.

puglover

Ok seriously, Does anyone here actually think that this reaction is purely because her stuff was moved???

Cop-on, the girls is stressed, OH lost his job leaving her as sole earner, wedding day is looming in 3 months & OH can't seem to get a job. If you've told her your thoughts on working in the pizza place ie. you didn't actually want it, you're holding out for a "real" job, then I wouldn't blame her for being on edge. She probably thinks you didn't even try.

Bit of advice jobs are few and far between at the moment, you could be waiting a long time for this "real" job so you should take an opportunity that comes your way.

Also, why did gf have to ask you. You're out of work, probably spending most of your days doing nothing. You should have the place sparkling & dinner on the table when fiancee arrives home imo.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

Ok seriously, Does anyone here actually think that this reaction is purely because her stuff was moved???

Cop-on, the girls is stressed,

Sorry, not good enough. Everyone gets stressed. The OP is probably doubly stressed about losing his job when he has the burden of normally being expected to be the provider. The PI here is about the way she chooses to express her reaction - she has a choice whether to throw a wobbly or not. Your loved ones are not a punching bag for your frustrations. Part of being adults is that we don't throw tantrums, we find a way to express our feelings with respect.

Now everyone makes the wrong choice every so often, but again, part of being an adult is admitting when we were wrong and apologising.

Oh The Humanity

puglover wrote: »

Ok seriously, Does anyone here actually think that this reaction is purely because her stuff was moved???

Cop-on, the girls is stressed, OH lost his job leaving her as sole earner, wedding day is looming in 3 months & OH can't seem to get a job. If you've told her your thoughts on working in the pizza place ie. you didn't actually want it, you're holding out for a "real" job, then I wouldn't blame her for being on edge. She probably thinks you didn't even try.

Bit of advice jobs are few and far between at the moment, you could be waiting a long time for this "real" job so you should take an opportunity that comes your way.

Also, why did gf have to ask you. You're out of work, probably spending most of your days doing nothing. You should have the place sparkling & dinner on the table when fiancee arrives home imo.

What?

NO WAY.

If she's stressed then she needs to suck it up like the rest of mankind and like OP obviously does.

She's not a child, being stressed is part and parcel of being an adult, it DOES NOT give her the right to throw an unreasonable wobbly.

Does she not think OP is stressed himself?

If she is so bl00dy stressed maybe they chould postpone the wedding, which imho is as financial burden they dont need at this time.

From the post she just sounds demanding and selfish.

kmick

She asked you why you were smirking - damn - is she a teacher by any chance? If you were not unemployed Id say hit the road.

puglover

If she's stressed then she needs to suck it up like the rest of mankind and like OP obviously does.

Does she not think OP is stressed himself?

Doesn't sound all that stressed to me at all. Only person OP mentioned was worried was fiancee. He's not even too pushed about getting a job, said himself he didn't want it.

Meanwhile Fiancee has to carry the burden of being the sole earner in the house.

She's not a child, being stressed is part and parcel of being an adult, it DOES NOT give her the right to throw an unreasonable wobbly.

Who says she is being unreasonable? sounds like OP is sitting around, not getting a job, and leaving all the worry to his Fiancee.

If she is so bl00dy stressed maybe they chould postpone the wedding, which imho is as financial burden they dont need at this time.

Yeah good idea, I mean do you realise how much has proabably been spend at this stage on deposits etc? Do you think they can afford to lose out on that?

From the post she just sounds demanding and selfish.

How exactly???

LegacyUser

these are obviously very stressful times for both of ya BUT this is a bad indicator. Its also the male female divide and if she doesn't have the decency to be grateful for such a thorough job nor the respect to bite her lip ( even though she is vastly out of line ) I would seriously consider the future here. marriage & especially kids will throw up vastly more stressful situations than what happened over the flat and a few spoons in the fork drawer so beware.

its also a typical female reaction and whats even more frustrating is that some female reply's suggested you being nicey nicey and ask her whats wrong. WTF let her come grovelling and if she doesn't then bail.

out of curiousity is she a teacher like another posted asked.

Wagon

puglover wrote: »

How exactly???

Throwing her fiancee out cos he didn't put the stuff like her hair clips back in the right place after he cleaned the house from top to bottom would be a very good clue.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

Ok seriously, Does anyone here actually think that this reaction is purely because her stuff was moved???

Cop-on, the girls is stressed, OH lost his job leaving her as sole earner, wedding day is looming in 3 months & OH can't seem to get a job. If you've told her your thoughts on working in the pizza place ie. you didn't actually want it, you're holding out for a "real" job, then I wouldn't blame her for being on edge. She probably thinks you didn't even try.

Bit of advice jobs are few and far between at the moment, you could be waiting a long time for this "real" job so you should take an opportunity that comes your way.

Also, why did gf have to ask you. You're out of work, probably spending most of your days doing nothing. You should have the place sparkling & dinner on the table when fiancee arrives home imo.

+1

Yep i think there is two sides to every story and it would be interesting to hear the other side,

You may have had an argument with your other half, its a normal thing to argue about and i am questioning why you have spoken so badly on here about someone you are about to marry?

Its a trival thing really, a real man would try and see beyond it and deal with the Underlining issues at hand, instead of looking for people on here to dog her, its obviously not about the cleaning,

Do you respect and love her or what?

LegacyUser

OP, you are getting married in 3 months? By the sound of things there is more going on here than meets the eye.
Your fiancee is stressed and stretched to the limit with wedding on the horizon..she sounds like she has snapped. I doubt if it's to do with the cleaning at all.
You and her need to stop playing silly beggars, meet up (it doesn't matter who rings who) and clear this up.
If she's getting cold feet then ask her why. Make sure she wants to marry you or you could end up like me (my OH kept changing his mind about wedding, we married had kids and then he decided it was all a "mistake")...
As for the job thing,well you don't love someone for their money do you? Life is full of ups and downs so your fiancee will have to deal with them.
TBH once kids come along you are really on only one income cos with creches costing 1000e+ a month the second income is eaten up.....my point is 20years ago people were told that if they couldn't live off just one income they shouldn't get married AT ALL. With the end of the celtic tiger people are getting caught trying to live a double income lifestyle.
You both have to show a bit of maturity, and her throwing you out of the home a few weeks before you take vows is childish and I would be hearing big Warning Bells if it were me.

puglover

Wagon wrote: »

Throwing her fiancee out cos he didn't put the stuff like her hair clips back in the right place after he cleaned the house from top to bottom would be a very good clue.

Sounds to me like hair clips were the straw that broke camels back. It's prob a case of too little too late on the OPs part. This doesn't make a person selfish or demanding!!

John_Mc

puglover wrote: »

How exactly???

She kicked her Fiancee out of the apartment because he moved things when cleaning the place from top to bottom.

You obviously didnt read the OP if you're asking how she's demanding and selfish :rolleyes:

To the OP, I'd seriously be considering any future with a woman like this!

MelonieHead

Unregistered wrote: »

About 18 months ago I moved in to her flat

Unregistered wrote: »

We are engaged to be married the wedding is in 3 months.

How long did you know each other before moving in together? It sounds like you're getting married awfully fast. Ideally it would have been preferable if you'd gotten to know each other a little better first, perhaps avoiding situations like these. Ideally when two people get married they go back to "their" house afterwards, not "his" house or "her" house.

The two of you really need to have a conversation. I don't think the issue has anything to do with the cleaning either. If it is then you should seriously, seriously consider calling off the wedding. Cancelled arrangement are cheaper than divorce proceedings.

Nevyn

Have you ever 'cleaned' the place before ?

bicardi19

Unregistered wrote: »

these are obviously very stressful times for both of ya BUT this is a bad indicator. Its also the male female divide and if she doesn't have the decency to be grateful for such a thorough job nor the respect to bite her lip ( even though she is vastly out of line ) I would seriously consider the future here. marriage & especially kids will throw up vastly more stressful situations than what happened over the flat and a few spoons in the fork drawer so beware.

its also a typical female reaction and whats even more frustrating is that some female reply's suggested you being nicey nicey and ask her whats wrong. WTF let her come grovelling and if she doesn't then bail.

out of curiousity is she a teacher like another posted asked.

I agree and Im a woman. If I ever treated my husband like this he'd never lift a finger in the house again. Plus the fact I have more respect for him than to throw a major wobbly.
I thank him for making an effort and say yum yum when he makes dinner.:o Which is not exactly the truth.
We have 4 kids and whatever he does is greatly appreciated even if he doesnt do it the way i would like it done.