how much to give?

Nanoc

Hey All,

I'm sure this has been answered a few times already but as a couple going to a friends wedding how much would be the "norm" to give?

Toots

However much you can comfortably afford to give.

Some people might expect €100-€200 from a couple attending their wedding, but I don't think there should be a set amount. Sure there was some woman on here a while ago moaning cos one of her bridesmaids 'only' gave her €150 as a gift :rolleyes: People (well, most people) don't invite family and friends to weddings to get presents, they invite them cos they want them there to share their day.

As I said, whatever you can comfortably afford, it's expensive enough going to a wedding as it is. If you find that whatever cash gift you can afford looks a bit 'light', you could always buy them something they'd really like instead.

Emerald Lass

Toots85 wrote: »

However much you can comfortably afford to give.

Some people might expect €100-€200 from a couple attending their wedding, but I don't think there should be a set amount.

+1 - anyone who moans about how much they are given as a gift a rude and ignorant and probably only invited you in order to help fund the wedding (it unfortunately has been known for couples to add extra names to the list purely based on financial reasons :mad:)

Give what you can afford, and also I think it is relevant whether or not you are invited to the full shebang or just the afters, and also how close you are to the couple.

sorry I cant help and give a 'set amount' to make your life easier, but as a bride to be I can't even imagine expecting a certain amount from people! some people keep saying 'when you get your wedding money buy this or that' and I reply, but I don't know what I'll get, only to be told well you get this or that much from every one so you can be expecting x amount in presents! :eek: nonsense! my elderly aunty Joan will not be giving me €100 and nor would I expect her to!

Enjoy the day.

Thumpette

Sorry to bring this off topic a little, but what about people who are getting married abroad? We will at least be going to 2 weddings abroad over the next couple of years, as my BFs friend group are reaching that age. I personally think if we are shelling out the guts of 500 euro on flights and another few hundred on accomodation the couple should insist on their invitations not to get any presents. Anyway invitations have arrived, and no such mention.

Has anyone else had similar experiences- or better still gotten married abroad? What did you feel/ expect in this case?

Thanks

bensoneb

Personally if I were getting married abroad I wouldn't expect any presents at all. My guests presence would be enough and I would be really grateful that they travelled.

Talk to other people who are going and suss out what the majority of people are doing as it would be awful to be the odd one out. Or perhaps suss out the bride / groom to see what they're expectations are. You can do this by maybe talking to the bridesmaid / groomsman so that they can raise it in a discrete way.

Emerald Lass

thumpette - I would def say that wedding abroad = no pressies. and most people marrying abroad agree with this and make it very explicit and mention it in the invitations. Given that this has not happened I would presume they want pressies also. Greedy IMO.

On another thread people are saying that their weddings abroad are working out cheaper for the guests blah blah - I think your post also proves that a lot of time this is not actually true, but most people will not admit to the couple that they are inconvenienced and out of pocket for a wedding abroad.

If these couples DO expect a present also, I find that incredibly greedy and rude when the cost of attending the wedding is greater than the average Irish wedding. Cheeky buggers!

Thumpette

Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this. The people who are getting married are lovely- not at all greedy etc. I think the problem is that most of the group of friends come from very well off backgrounds where they dont consider money as so much of an issue. If it wasnt in short supply I'd be happy to give what I could, but to be honest the cost of getting there and staying there is gonna have me saving before and after as it is.

I saw once on a wedding invitation 'Your presence is our present'... Cheesey as it was, I thought that was a lovely sentiment.

I think peple just need to be more considerate, especially in *cough* the current economic climate. This may be the biggest day of your lives, and you may be happy to splash out, but for your guests it falls somewhere between a nice day out tou are happy to share, and an expensive obligation.

Malari

I've been to about half a dozen weddings in the last year, so I've read a number of these threads whenever they pop up.

What I've noticed is that there seems to be a big discrepancy between what the couple getting married says they expect, and what is the "going rate".

For every wedding bar one which I attended, the couple insisted they didn't want anything, our presence was enough, etc. Yet guests seem to have agreed on an acceptable level of cash, which varied between €150 per couple to €150 each, to cover the cost of your meal.

There's this "keeping up with the Jones" attitude which I think must have developed during the Tiger years, whereby people boasted about how much they were giving for a wedding gift and this has somehow become the acceptable donation level.

Like most other posters I would say give what you can. Or give a gift that you think they would like. Include a gift receipt if you want. But STOP with the checking up on what everyone else is giving because it only leads to elevated levels of acceptable norms!

Iago

I'd normally give €200 for us both.

On the subject of foreign weddings, I think if you can't afford it you shouldn't go, but if you do go and there's no mention of no presents then you should buy one. Fully understand the costs involved, but from what I can see a lot of people get married abroad both to keep the costs down for themselves and give people the option of backing out of attending and therefore saving the guests money to.

If the wedding is in Ireland it's very hard not to attend, but if it's abroad then you can avoid going if it's too expensive.

mikemac

50 euro each.
If that doesn't cover the cost of the meal, where exactly are you dining?

So at most 100 per couple, if you are on your own something lower then this

aviendha

mikemac wrote: »

50 euro each.
If that doesn't cover the cost of the meal, where exactly are you dining?

So at most 100 per couple, if you are on your own something lower then this

Unfortunately if you look at any wedding brochures online, 50 euro won't cover the cost of the meal

Emerald Lass

aviendha wrote: »

Unfortunately if you look at any wedding brochures online, 50 euro won't cover the cost of the meal

well unless they are offering something above and beyond the ordinary then if they pay more than €50 they are being ripped off. Its not the guests responsibility to fork out to help pay for their bad decision.

My wedding meal is €42 per head, five courses and there is no melon starter! so its not like its a crap option for that price. The hotel originally wanted €50, but I got them down to €42.

If a couple is paying more than that for a meal then they should be able to afford it without the expectation of cash gifts to pay for it. €50 per person is a fair amount for a meal in a hotel in the day - you woldn't pay more than that if you weren't at a wedding.

Emerald Lass

Here is a sample menu from my hotel for €45 (just as proof that under €50 a good menu can be had) and hotel is 4* BTW.

Starter:
Terrine of braised ham hock & guinea with freshly toasted brioche, served with a rhubarb, ginger & star anise compote
(Veg option available)

Soup course:
Freshly made made soup (couple can choose from various options)

Main course:
Grilled rib eye steak, fresh cut chunky chips with green beans in bacon & béarnaise sauce
Or
Vegetarian risotto of wild mushrooms, asparagus & freshly shaved parmesan (v) cheese

Dessert
Granny smith apple, pear & berry crumble with hazelnuts & crème fraiche vanilla ice-cream

To finish
Tea or coffee, wedding cake.

aviendha

Wow Emerald_Lass!! I never implied that couples expect guests to "fork out for their bad decisions" - I'm not even engaged, let alone planning a wedding!!
I'm just observing what has been experienced by some of my friends.

I'm not denying that a wedding meal can be had for €50 - this will change depending on venue or location in the country - I'm just saying that for many people it can cost more than that (it's not just the meal, it's the afters, the wine, the toast etc so you cannot compare it to a regular meal in a restaurant). Also, depending on where you live, you may be restricted in options for a reception and such a monopoly by hotels sometimes means very little scope to haggle on prices.

Of course people do not budget to include gifts, gifts are a bonus but not expected and no, couples do not expect you to cover the meal:

I was simply making the point that if one was to base the level of the gift on the value of the meal (as was suggested above by a poster) then to assume that €50 will definitely cover it might be incorrect. That is all.

aviendha

Emerald Lass wrote: »

well unless they are offering something above and beyond the ordinary then if they pay more than €50 they are being ripped off. Its not the guests responsibility to fork out to help pay for their bad decision.

My wedding meal is €42 per head, five courses and there is no melon starter! so its not like its a crap option for that price. The hotel originally wanted €50, but I got them down to €42.

If a couple is paying more than that for a meal then they should be able to afford it without the expectation of cash gifts to pay for it. €50 per person is a fair amount for a meal in a hotel in the day - you woldn't pay more than that if you weren't at a wedding.

I never implied that menu's under €50 were crap. Nor did I imply that >€50 was a fair price to pay for a menu, wedding or not. I'm just stating the facts that were available to friends who were planning weddings recently.

Emerald Lass

No fair enough - I take your point. but I was likewise just pointing out that past ways of 'calculating' gift amounts, and 'fair' prices is now out dated. hopefully the whole 'keeping up with the jones' and getting things on loans over 20 years is dying out. I just wanted to point out that now in the climate we are in people have to start looking at the overinflated prices they seem convinced they 'have' to pay, cos 'thats what weddings cost'! I'm just wanted to point out that a lovely wedding in a good hotel with a good meal and trimmings can be done for a fair and reasonable price. Some hotels are still rubbing it in, but that is where we all, as consumers need to make a stand and haggle and basically not accept the whole 'thats what a wedding costs' myth.

and you are right, the cost of the meal is no reflection on the quality of the meal.

And it would be great if it were always true that couples do not factor in presents when working out how big a wedding they will have, but sorry to say I know of 3 people recently, recession and all, who have had this very attitude. It is very rude IMO but it is out there. And the couples with this attitude should be ashamed of themselves, but unsurprisingly they're not!

galah

Ah sure, was it not Eddie Hobbs himself who advised it as 'good practise' to invite as many guests as you can, so that you make 'money back' through presents and thus pay for your extravagant wedding?

I couldn't believe it when I heard it.

Also, I truly hope this 'calculating presents' thing dies out - if I expected people to 'cover' their meal with a monetary present, I'd sell tickets to the event and be sure that costs are covered...

Emerald Lass

galah wrote: »

Ah sure, was it not Eddie Hobbs himself who advised it as 'good practise' to invite as many guests as you can, so that you make 'money back' through presents and thus pay for your extravagant wedding?

bloody little poison gnome that he is!

roseym

Quite frankly, I find the suggestion that we aren't entitled to gifts just because we're getting married abroad, to be quite rude. Yes it is nice to have our guests there sharing our day with us, but we're not forcing anyone to come out with us, and it would really irritate me if I had someone moaning about all the expense they put themselves to on our behalf. I'd rather they stayed at home. If they cannot make it we will completely understand, but to arrive hands swinging is just plain old rude.

In any event, we actually picked going abroad because it's cheaper overall for both us AND the guests (and of course for the sunshine)...I posted this on another thread -

"When I tot up the cost of two nights in Italy compared to two nights in Ireland I get the following (based on prices at venue I have booked in Italy and excluding outfit/pressie costs)

Ireland
two nights accom with breakfast = €160
travel there and back = €30
Drink for two days = €70
Food = €20
Total = €280

Italy
two nights accom with breakfast = €100
two days parking in Dublin airport = €9 (when booked online)
return flights = €60 (I recently booked return flights for two to Rome and it came to €117 total)
Airport transfers = covered by venue
Drink for one day= €15 (open bar for entire wedding day is included in our wedding package and guests can drink all they want the following day for €15 if they want)
Food = €20
Total = €204

I think my estimate for drink at the Irish wedding is probably quite conservative at that. I'd prob spend that on the wedding day alone! I have based the Irish travel and accom costs on my own situation where both of our "sides" and most of my friends will all have to travel fairly long distances to get to where I grew up and would also need two nights in accom."

Aside from people probably needing two nights accomodation, a lot of hotels insist on minimum two night bookings in Ireland.

We decided that seeing as people would have to travel anyway we may as well have it someplace sunny. We picked our location so that it is easily accessible on a daily basis by budget airlines, and picked our venue because it does reasonably priced accomodation for guests. If guests choose to make a holiday out of it before/after the big day then great for them. Just like anyone getting married at home we will be putting a lot of effort and expense in to ensure our guests have a great time. I don't expect €100 per guest or the colour of it, and I don't hope to "cover the cost" of my venue, but I don't think to expect some sort of gesture of goodwill towards our future together is greedy. You wouldn't go with hands swinging to a birthday party would you?

CathyMoran

You dont need to give money or a gift going to a wedding - the couple are getting married and just want you there to witness it, that is enough...if you are giving something while cash does help a small present that has a lot of meaning in it will mean far more in the long run.

Toots

roseym wrote: »

Quite frankly, I find the suggestion that we aren't entitled to gifts just because we're getting married abroad, to be quite rude. Yes it is nice to have our guests there sharing our day with us, but we're not forcing anyone to come out with us .......but to arrive hands swinging is just plain old rude.

In fairness the poster who made the comment about no presents for a wedding abroad did say 'personally' she never said that you aren't entitled to gifts if you get married abroad.

We picked our location so that it is easily accessible on a daily basis by budget airlines, and picked our venue because it does reasonably priced accomodation for guests. If guests choose to make a holiday out of it before/after the big day then great for them. Just like anyone getting married at home we will be putting a lot of effort and expense in to ensure our guests have a great time. I don't expect €100 per guest or the colour of it, and I don't hope to "cover the cost" of my venue, but I don't think to expect some sort of gesture of goodwill towards our future together is greedy. You wouldn't go with hands swinging to a birthday party would you?

It's good that you were so considerate towards your guests, but unfortunately not every couple would be so thoughtful. I was at a wedding in Crete (it was my OH's brother so we couldn't exactly not go) and the only way to get to Crete was to go with a package operator, because there are no scheduled flights out to there, so we were looking at having to go for a week at the minimum.

We ended up getting the flights and accommodation for €500 per person, then there were outfits (luckily cheaper for the sun wedding because it wasn't as formal) then there was also the cost of food for a week, drinks, and then taxi fares, because the apartments we were staying in were miles away from the wedding venue, so it cost us about €100 return in the taxi. All in all, the cost was nearly €2k, whereas his other brother got married in Ireland, and it only (:rolleyes:) cost us about €800, which included my outfit (OH was groomsman), drink at wedding, bed and breakfast in hotel. €150 of that was spent on a voucher for the wedding present.

I think it really depends on the couple, and where they pick for their venue. In my experiences getting married abroad definitely works out better value for the couple, you just wouldn't get the same kind of wedding over here without paying a huge amount of money (imagine the bill for an open bar in Ireland :eek:), but it really depends on where they go as to whether it works out better or worse for the guests.

Personally I wouldn't dream of showing up at a wedding without a present, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a huge one A meaningful token gift would be just as nice, if not nicer than a cash gift.

Emerald Lass

roseym wrote: »

Quite frankly, I find the suggestion that we aren't entitled to gifts just because we're getting married abroad, to be quite rude.

to arrive hands swinging is just plain old rude.

sorry but you are not "entitled" to a present. I think you miss the whole concept of a gift - i.e it is something you are given as a token by THEIR CHOICE. It is certainly not an ENTITLEMENT and to say so to me is JUST PLAIN OLD RUDE! you invite people for the pleasure of their company, not for a present. If you feel you are 'entitled' to a present, then I would question your motives for inviting people! You choose to get married, but virtue of getting married does not in any way entitle you to get rewarded for it! :eek:

roseym wrote: »

You wouldn't go with hands swinging to a birthday party would you?

no I wouldn't so if it came to it and I couldn't afford to attend and give a present I probably wouldn't go. Likewise, most 'parties' fo not require a week off work, a plane ticket and a lot of time and effort to attend, never mind expense. I think you need to get things in perspective.

So are you saying you would rather guests not attend, than attend empty handed? sorry but I find that quite bad form on your part.

roseym wrote: »

When I tot up the cost of two nights in Italy compared to two nights in Ireland I get the following (based on prices at venue I have booked in Italy and excluding outfit/pressie costs)

Ireland
two nights accom with breakfast = €160
travel there and back = €30
Drink for two days = €70
Food = €20
Total = €280

Italy
two nights accom with breakfast = €100
two days parking in Dublin airport = €9 (when booked online)
return flights = €60 (I recently booked return flights for two to Rome and it came to €117 total)
Airport transfers = covered by venue
Drink for one day= €15 (open bar for entire wedding day is included in our wedding package and guests can drink all they want the following day for €15 if they want)
Food = €20
Total = €204

sorry but I find your figures quite biased in your own favour, on several points.

Firstly, you include the cost of travel to the venue in your Irish list, but you do not include the price of travel to the departure airport in your Italian one. How do you expect your guests to get to the airport (Dublin/Shannon/Cork)? Also not all guests may necessarily live in Dublin, so if they live further afield (other than Shannon or Cork) then they have that additional cost. Also the €9 per day parking means that there is only 48 hours, but if the wedding is on Sat, and they depart on Friday and return Sunday they will actually have a minimum of 3 days parking which would be €27 minimum.

Secondly, flights - you only get them cheap if you book them well in advance or last minute. I have just checked flights to Rome for the same week of my wedding and the cheapest is €112.58, and that does not include any checked in bags, which are almost a certainty given that people will be bringing an outfit for the day. And flights in high season are not necessarily cheap and cheerful.

Thirdly, the consideration you put into the hotel costs can equally be put in to an Irish wedding - ther is no way I would expect my guests to pay €160 per person for accommodation. The accommodation in my hotel, because we made it a requirement of the booking and ensured they gave a good deal, is only €33 per person per night, B&B. Their normal rate is €66 pp/pn room only, so we are getting 50% for our guests plus breakfast.

Fourthly, something you cannot quantify - time. A two day trip to a wedding takes exactly that - 2 days. If the wedding is abroad, in addition to the 2 nights abroad, you have the travel to the airport, and the 2-3 hours in the airport prior to departure on both ends. So as a comparision, a wedding in Dublin, and guests coming from Cork - four hours driving then arrive at venue. four hours return journey - total travel time, 8 hrs. Wedding in Italy, for guests from Mayo - nearest airport Dublin - 3hrs minimum travelling, plus check in 2 hours before, plus 1 hour flight time, then transfer to venue 30 mins - total travel time ONE WAY 6.5 hrs. Total travel time 13 hours. Out of a two day trip that is a lot IMO.

Finally, if a wedding is in Ireland, the very point is that they don't have to spend 2 nights away if they don't want to. If it is in Ireland, they can arrive the morning of the wedding, stay the night and leave the following day. At a push if money really is an issue for them, they can arrive on the day, one of the couple can not drink, and they can leave that night (within reason I appreciate - no one is going to drive to Cork at 1am)

Look as I have said before I have no issue with people choosing to marry abroad - its your day, your choice. but I find it really insulting to imply that the guests are equally better off because you are doing them the big favour of having it abroad. you are not. It is rarely cheaper - maybe in some cases, the same price, but rarely cheaper.

Another thing people don't consider - my cousin is marrying abroad at the end of the summer. Another family member cannot go simply because of the cost and difficulty of having the children taken care of for a minimum of 3 days. Most of the family are attending, so there is no one still at home to step in. They cannot afford to take the children aswell due to the price of flights, and as the kids are still quite young it is proving difficult to find someone willing to take them for 3 days (remember all close friends/family will be at the wedding). Do people even consider issues such as child care, and the awkwardness of travelling so far? or is it just the 'cheaper' argument? I also can't go to the wedding, because flights go out on Tuesdays and Saturdays, the wedding is on Saturday, so in order to go I would have to take a week off work, and I will not have enough paid holidays left because of my own wedding.

Look, I know it may seem like I am totally against weddings abroad, but honestly I'm not. As I said before I was considering it myself. But at no point when I was thinking of it did I seriously think I was doing my guests a favour, saving them money etc. I was very aware that if my guests attended then it was a wonderful effort on their part, and that I would be very greatful that people would put themselves out for our day.

Please, just be honest - the choice to marry abroad is a selfish one. And that is your perrogative - its your big day. But that is what it is -it is not an act of philantropy on your part to save your guests money or give them a holiday!

roseym

Emerald Lass wrote: »

If you feel you are 'entitled' to a present, then I would question your motives for inviting people! You choose to get married, but virtue of getting married does not in any way entitle you to get rewarded for it! :eek:

Ok to be fair my choice of word there was poor, I don't feel as though I'm entitled to a gift just for getting married. But I do think it's rude to attend a wedding, or any party for that matter, and not at least have given some sort of gift. Be it €20 in a card, a picture frame, something hand made, or a bit of help with wedding prep - any gesture to show good will towards our future together is appreciated. But if a good friend/member of family (as the guests are at weddings abroad) came out for the weekend, enjoyed the food, enjoyed the music, enjoyed the free booze etc and couldn't see fit to make any small gesture at all I WOULD think them rude. It's plain old manners and I don't see how you could argue otherwise!

So are you saying you would rather guests not attend, than attend empty handed?

Yes that's what I'm saying. If the few close friends and family we have asked really can't afford to come to the extent where they can't even buy/make a small gift between a couple then I would rather they stay at home. Would you prefer that they crucify themselves financially trying to do something they can't afford?


Ok then regarding what you say about prices, I forgot about the travel to the airport, so that would prob be another €30.

they will actually have a minimum of 3 days parking which would be €27 minimum.

The cost of the parking in Dublin Airport can be €4.50 per day in long-term car park when booked online, which I will state in my invites. If you don't believe me then have a look here https://www.dublinairport.com/parking/prodbook.asp?pr=dubiw&p=p so it's just another €4.50 if you want to include a third day.

Secondly, flights - you only get them cheap if you book them well in advance or last minute.

The cheapest flights are certainly not available last minute! That is when they charge through the nose for them, literally flights at least double in price in the last week before departure, and there is a considerable jump in the last month. We will be sending our invites out 6 - 8 months before our wedding so if guests can't nab a good deal at some stage with that many months notice then they'll have no-one to blame except themselves.

If someone is only going for two nights they don't need to check baggage - there's a 10kg allowance with ryanair that I frequently travel over and back between Ireland and the UK using. And I went to a wedding in Ireland using it too, had gift, dress, shoes, woolen shawl, makeup, jewellery, and clothes for the rest of the wkend in my 10kg.

The accommodation in my hotel....is only €33 per person per night, B&B.

That's a fantastic rate on your hotel accomodation, well done on that! I priced around in my locality and no-one came back with a quote anywhere near that, although maybe if we had entered into full-scale haggling with them we would have gotten some reduction. I based my figures towards the lower end of what we were told - one place had prices of €185 per person per night for three of its ten rooms! Obviously accom is going to vary hugely across the board though. We still haven't made a firm booking with my venue in Italy (going out to do the final haggle face to face at the end of April) so hopefully we will get something off the cost of our pre-haggle price too. Fingers crossed!

In relation to the time, granted it is more time consuming to travel to Italy, or anywhere abroad, but do you really spend three hours in an airport prior to flying?! I fly regularly and you only need to check in 45 mins beforehand, and you only need to check in at all if you bring baggage - otherwise you just check in online. 1 hour is more than enough time to be there in advance. The majority of my guests will be travelling from Cork, Kerry, Galway, Clare, Dublin, Germany, Belfast, Newcastle, London and Australia to a wedding that would have been in Wexford if it had remained in Ireland. So you can see that timewise, whether they would have been travelling to Wexford or to Dublin Airport and then on to Italy it would be much of a muchness. If time is a concern, Ryanair do excellent rates on internal flights. For example I know a flight from Cork to Dublin costs €10. Anyway, personally I know I'd much prefer spend a few extra hours travelling to Italy than to Wexford!

but I find it really insulting to imply that the guests are equally better off because you are doing them the big favour of having it abroad. you are not.

I never said I was doing people a big massive favour by getting married abroad - all I did is point out to you that it isn't necessarily the highway robbery that people think it is. Obviously if people are expected to hire cars to get to villas in the back of beyond then the cost will be mental, but I have been very conscious to date of people's costs and keeping it as low as possible for them. To be fair, you do seem to have gotten a very raw deal with your cousin's wedding, and I do think people marrying abroad should consider the logistics/finances of it for their guests. However, it isn't fair to tar all weddings abroad with the one brush.

Re your point on child care, that has been a major issue for us. Several parents have specifically asked us to exclude their teenagers from the invitations. Bearing that in mind, we have decided to have an over 21s wedding abroad as we simply couldn't take the risk that everyone would decide to take their kids (adding another 47 people to our list). As a compromise we're having an informal party with bouncy castle, finger food, non-weddingy music at my parent's house when we come back, and will have this on the invitations also. People can make their own choices as to what they want to do. An invitation is just an invitation at the end of the day - it isn't compulsory!

We are going abroad because we can't afford the whole big Irish shebang. My fiance is quite well known through GAA, through being a publican's son, and through his own business, and feels he "has" to invite a crazy amount of people if it is in Ireland, which we cannot simply afford. We are receiving no financial assistance from anyone, I am a student working part time, and H2B is just out of college and setting up his business (which is construction related so no big bucks there in these economic times!). This wedding is pressing us to the limit even with the cut-backs we are making (we're going to live together paying rent of €170 per month total once I'm finished in the UK). We investigated our options before deciding on going abroad and it's the only thing that works for us. It's not necessarily a selfish decision - it was our only viable option, and I don't feel we should be called greedy or selfish for making a decision that is right for us.

We are inviting our nearest and dearest friends and family and will somehow find a way to get the money if they all decide to come. That's our decision and we wouldn't have it any other way. The key here is that it is the guests own decision to accept. If people decide to attend a wedding they should be prepared to take all that comes with that acceptance with good grace.

esharknz

Thumpette wrote: »

Sorry to bring this off topic a little, but what about people who are getting married abroad? We will at least be going to 2 weddings abroad over the next couple of years, as my BFs friend group are reaching that age. I personally think if we are shelling out the guts of 500 euro on flights and another few hundred on accomodation the couple should insist on their invitations not to get any presents. Anyway invitations have arrived, and no such mention.

Has anyone else had similar experiences- or better still gotten married abroad? What did you feel/ expect in this case?

Thanks

Yeah, mine is abroad and I've said no presents/money but people aren't listening it seems. I think it's because I've had to travel to attend theirs (not that I minded - loved my holidays in the Cook Islands and Japan).

Give what you can afford. I've always given what it might cost the couple to feed me. Anyone who moans about how much they received from someone needs to get over themselves. Not everyone has money to throw around.

sbudnikblues

You should give whatever you can afford. Weddings can be expensive for guests. Many are required to travel, book overnight accommodations, attend stags and hens, buy rounds of drinks, oh, and lets not forget the expense of a nice outfit. Oh, and grooming expenses: shaves, haircuts, hair dos, nails, etc.

People should just be happy to see each other. I know I didn't care what I got for my wedding; I didn't have a lavish wedding hoping to rake in tons of cash at the end of it all.

Emerald Lass

roseym wrote: »

Yes that's what I'm saying. If the few close friends and family we have asked really can't afford to come to the extent where they can't even buy/make a small gift between a couple then I would rather they stay at home.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
I find that quite appalling TBH. you do realise you are coming across as a bridezilla?

On a practical level I would not personally want people making me home made gifts, (which lets be honest may end up looking like Tat) just for fear of turning up empty handed. If my guests cannot afford a present they cannot afford it, and thats fine. To make them feel guilty about it is appalling! what would you do with these home made gifts? probably put them in a box in the attic never to see light again! If someone cannot afford a present after shelling out to attend then thats fine - I certainly wouldn't expect them to be having blue peter moments making home made gifts just so that the bride doesn't get offended!

livvy

I with Emerald Lass on this one. Having your wedding abroad means serious bucks for the guests. A wedding present, in my opinion, should not be expected. Weddings are gone really expensive - hen nights, stag nights and cash gifts all add up. Throw in flights, accommodation and time of work and you are in big money territory.

roseym

Emerald Lass wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
I find that quite appalling TBH. you do realise you are coming across as a bridezilla?

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding me. What I said is that I wouldn't like to put people under the financial pressure to come at all if by doing so they then find themselves in a position that they cannot even afford a SMALL token gift, an "it's the thought that counts" type gift. We can catch up before/after the wedding if they can't afford the expense and fuss of the big day, and I don't think to give people that flexibility is in any way bridezilla-ish.

People just need to stick to doing what they can afford - if they can't afford to go to a wedding, then they should simply decline the invite.

And maybe you would turn your nose up at it and throw it in the attic, but I would love a handmade gift. While you may not like it, I like the sentiment and thought put in to it - but each to their own. No need to slate me for it!

But I think you're determined to do that anyway. So off you go.

Emerald Lass

roseym - I am only going on your own actual words. You said that if a guest could not even give you a token gift you would rather they don't attend. That is what you said. If I misunderstand I am sure you can appreciate why?

As for turning my nose up at a gift - I never said that. I was just pointing out the more realistic situation - nice and all as they may be, chances are they would be stored away somewhere. And personally, I would not be inclined to go doing 'make-and-do' just to please the bride after I've spent perhaps the guts of €500 to attend the wedding. You might love a handmade gift, but not everyone would love to make one! more time and expense you are looking for from your guests - is travelling across an ocean not enough of an effort?

I was supposed to have a wedding abroad, but plans changed as my dad would not have physically been able to attend. For our wedding abroad we were planning on having only 10-20 people come from Ireland. At no stage did I expect that they would also bring a gift, when they were putting themselves out so much financially and time wise to attend my wedding. The fact they would attend really would have been enough. And if they hadn't have bought a pressie I never would think 'cheeky sods, they could of at least bought something for €20'.

I know a number of my guests attending the Irish wedding will not have the money to give presents - quite a few have lost jobs or had pay reductions. I will not be in any way insulted that they don't buy a gift - a nice card with a nice sentiment and their presence is enough, as it is alot for them. Likewise when we have our Turkish wedding party at the end of the year, again most of the guests will not be able to afford a present, and they will not be thought any less of.

davgtrek

This stuff annoys me when I hear people expecting at least €150 etc.
anytime we have been invited to a wedding it costs the bones of €100 just for a sitter for our kids from 1pm - 1am ( 12 hours ) throw in the usual wedding expenses for guests, maybe accommodation etc. you've spend at least €200+ just to get going to the event. They were driven mad by the celtic tiger and thats on top of the couple who generally have their house and belongings well sorted anyway before getting married so its either the his & hers swarasky crystal toe clippers or cash that they are after. i'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would rather not get invites.

I have also felt at the last few ones i attended that generally people are now bored with the conventional weddings. the usual hotel receptions stuff, the crap bands etc.etc...... unless one can get fairly sauced up then they are a long and arduous day....

Trinity10

People put a lot of thought and effort into weddings and also who to invite. To downright say you'd rather not be invited is truely unkind. Why put yourself throught it, just decline the invite. I'm sure the bride and groom would rather you didn't come if you were only doing it out of a sense of duty.

Emerald Lass

Trinity10 wrote: »

I'm sure the bride and groom would rather you didn't come if you were only doing it out of a sense of duty.

while I am sure this is true of some couples, unfortunately it is not true for all couples.

I was talking about this to my friend last week actually, and she in turn was chatting about it in work. Yesterday she rang me in shock to tell me a truly appalling story.......

A girl she works with blatantly said at work that she is inviting people to her marriage abroad knowing FULL WELL they will not attend. In fact she has no desire for some of the invited guests to attend. BUT by inviting them and pretending that they want all these people there, they will still get presents from most of them! My friend almost choked on her lunch, but this bridezilla just shrugged and said 'well weddings are expensive, this way I get to save money on the wedding by not having so many people, but I get the same presents as if I had a big Irish wedding'!!!! :eek::eek::eek:
she didn't see the harm in it!

I was totally gobsmacked and shocked! As was my friend (hence her reason for rushing to tell me about it! lol)

Now I know she is (hopefully) an isolated case, but she is someones friend, and her poor mates and family are being used!

Thankfully she has not invited anyone from work! lucky escape for my mate! lol

bloody Eddie Hobbs again encouraging couples to think of the wedding as a financial opportunity! man has a lot to answer for :rolleyes:

aviendha

Emerald Lass wrote: »

while I am sure this is true of some couples, unfortunately it is not true for all couples.

I was talking about this to my friend last week actually, and she in turn was chatting about it in work. Yesterday she rang me in shock to tell me a truly appalling story.......

A girl she works with blatantly said at work that she is inviting people to her marriage abroad knowing FULL WELL they will not attend. In fact she has no desire for some of the invited guests to attend. BUT by inviting them and pretending that they want all these people there, they will still get presents from most of them! My friend almost choked on her lunch, but this bridezilla just shrugged and said 'well weddings are expensive, this way I get to save money on the wedding by not having so many people, but I get the same presents as if I had a big Irish wedding'!!!! :eek::eek::eek:
she didn't see the harm in it!

I was totally gobsmacked and shocked! As was my friend (hence her reason for rushing to tell me about it! lol)

Now I know she is (hopefully) an isolated case, but she is someones friend, and her poor mates and family are being used!

Thankfully she has not invited anyone from work! lucky escape for my mate! lol

bloody Eddie Hobbs again encouraging couples to think of the wedding as a financial opportunity! man has a lot to answer for :rolleyes:

that is truly awful behaviour.. but I don't think that is typical of most couples getting married, and I really doubt that couples "think of a weddding as a financial opportunity" considering the huge cost of weddings and a lot of people actually take out loans to pay for them, so the dollar signs in their eyes are the debt/cost of the wedding rather than an opportunity for a quick buck.

Maybe I'm an exception to the rule, but my experience with friends is that weddings put an enormous financial strain on them.... but then thankfully I'm not friends with that wagon!!! :eek:

Emerald Lass

well I hope it is the exception to the rule, but since I got engaged I have been told by several people who have been married recently/are getting married that the best way to pay for it is to ask for cash from the guests as gifts, and that having a small wedding costs more in the end cos you get less cash gifts! and I have heard that sentiment from more than one person.

galah

That's ridiculous!
What happens if you 'expect' so much money to pay for your wedding, and then you don't get it (cause people give less, or nothing at all)? Will you then have to take out a loan?

Geez, I really struggle to understand people's minds sometimes...And what on earth do they base their calculations on?

In our case, I *think* some of the German part of the family will give gifts for our wedding, since they don't have to travel that far - but from the rest of them, travelling from all over Europe, we don't expect a penny (and we said so on the invite). Thus, we made sure we have all the money to pay for our wedding, and did not factor in any gifts at all.

Someone should definitely punch Eddie Hobbs for putting this idea into people's minds.

Emerald Lass

sorry to brake the bad news but it is true - for example, once the dress,suits, flowers, cars, cake etc have been accounted for, the only difference in price for many weddings is the number of sit down meals. A lot of people look at it this way - 1 more couple is 2 x €50 for meal (as a illustration, meal may be more or less), generally most couples give €100-€200 as a gift. so if you are paying €50 per meal, 2 extra people costs you another €100, so you will at least recover the cost of this, and if they give you €50 or €100 more then this goes towards the other wedding costs. The more guests you invite, the more chance of money! I have seen it advised on a few websites, on the wedding channel a wedding planner advised a bride of this (all be it in the US, but still). It is something that people do think about.

I think this recession will give a lot of couples a shock - esp those who booked their weddings over a year ago. Much as I hate this recession and the strain it is putting on everyone, it will hopefully get rid this greedy, excessive mentality people have.

misssaucie

We attended a Wedding in Spain last year and the week cost us about €2000 on just flights (peak season) and accommodation. We would have loved to buy the couple a present but simply couldn't afford it after that and as a result we have been kinda "avoiding" calling to their home in case they are still expecting us to arrive with something. I think if you decide to get married abroad you should definitely put a small note in with the invites to say something like "your presence is our present" to take the pressure off.

Thumpette wrote: »

Sorry to bring this off topic a little, but what about people who are getting married abroad? We will at least be going to 2 weddings abroad over the next couple of years, as my BFs friend group are reaching that age. I personally think if we are shelling out the guts of 500 euro on flights and another few hundred on accomodation the couple should insist on their invitations not to get any presents. Anyway invitations have arrived, and no such mention.

Has anyone else had similar experiences- or better still gotten married abroad? What did you feel/ expect in this case?

Thanks

Emerald Lass

see? I told you that there were people out there counting on wedding gifts to pay for the wedding!

tinkerbell

Not everybody has a big mad expensive wedding that they can't afford and expect guests to fund the cost of it.

Plus I'd say the days of "daddy" paying for the wedding is practically over, most couples pay for their own wedding nowadays.

sbudnikblues

Emerald Lass wrote: »

see? I told you that there were people out there counting on wedding gifts to pay for the wedding!

I know there are people out there that count on others to pay for their wedding. However, when I was getting married I didn't rely on anyone else to pay for what I couldn't afford. I don't bank on something I don't have. SIMPLE ECONOMICS. Live within your means. Don't buy things with a credit card unless you have the money in your bank account today to pay it off. It's the mentality of expecting to get a big return in the future that got people into this economic crisis that we're in in the first place.

It's nice to have a big wedding that's beautiful and that can accommodate lots of people, etc. But the bride and groom need to be practical and work within a budget that does not exceed their means.

rom

mikemac wrote: »

50 euro each.
If that doesn't cover the cost of the meal, where exactly are you dining?

So at most 100 per couple, if you are on your own something lower then this

Supermacs don't do weddings unfortunately

Wedding for 150 people (leaving out all the costs that you don't personally benefit from )

1 Person
Drinks reception = 5 Euro
Meal - 45 Euro min
Wine plus corkage = 10 Euro
After dinner drink = 5 Euro min
Late food & tea/coffee = 5 Euro
Chair covers = 4 Euro
Party favors = 2-5 Euro (I'll take 2 euro for you)
Band 2k/150 = 13.33 Euro
DJ 400/150 = 2.66 Euro
Cake = 500/150 = 3.33 Euro
Bar extension = 420*/150 = 2.8 Euro

= 98.12 Euro

* nice government tax

These are costs of things that you benefit directly.

In this I don't expect you to pay for the photographer which 2.5k min, flowers, dress, suits, car, church, etc as that has nothing to do with you.

So if you think 50 Euro is ok then fine but personally I think 100 per person is what you should give for a wedding in Ireland.

Climate Expert

misssaucie wrote: »

We attended a Wedding in Spain last year and the week cost us about €2000 on just flights (peak season) and accommodation. We would have loved to buy the couple a present but simply couldn't afford it after that and as a result we have been kinda "avoiding" calling to their home in case they are still expecting us to arrive with something. I think if you decide to get married abroad you should definitely put a small note in with the invites to say something like "your presence is our present" to take the pressure off.

More fool you for going.

If anybody expected me to spend over e500 of my money because they want to go through with their own little fantasy day out, I'd soon put them in their place.

These are costs of things that you benefit directly.

Benefit? How? Most of the time its a case of being somewhere you don't want to be.
If you put on a party, you invite people and you pay for it. Not your guests.

bangersandmash

rom wrote: »

In this I don't expect you to pay for the photographer which 2.5k min, flowers, dress, suits, car, church, etc as that has nothing to do with you.

So if you think 50 Euro is ok then fine but personally I think 100 per person is what you should give for a wedding in Ireland.

Your formula for calculating the expected level of a gift is an elaborate joke, right? I would have thought that most people would expect the hosts to pay for the items that you've listed. After all it's their choice to have an expensive venue, chair covers, favours, DJ+band etc. An expectation that the guests should cover these items is pretty selfish. If the bride and groom want to throw an elaborate party they should be prepared to pick up the tab.

This artificial connection between the cost of the day and the financial value of gifts should be severed. The Eddie Hobbes wedding mentality is one of the more vulgar aspects of the last decade, something that would be best forgotten.

Still I have to say that the idea of the guests paying €4 per head to get the "benefit" of the chair covers is quite amusing :rolleyes:

Emerald Lass

bangersandmash wrote: »

Your formula for calculating the expected level of a gift is an elaborate joke, right? I would have thought that most people would expect the hosts to pay for the items that you've listed. After all it's their choice to have an expensive venue, chair covers, favours, DJ+band etc. An expectation that the guests should cover these items is pretty selfish. If the bride and groom want to throw an elaborate party they should be prepared to pick up the tab.

This artificial connection between the cost of the day and the financial value of gifts should be severed. The Eddie Hobbes wedding mentality is one of the more vulgar aspects of the last decade, something that would be best forgotten.

Still I have to say that the idea of the guests paying €4 per head to get the "benefit" of the chair covers is quite amusing :rolleyes:

+1
totally agree with you on this. my eyes nearly popped out of my head reading the list of 'benefits'.

I'm inviting people to my wedding because I want them to share in the celebration of my marriage - not so as I have people to help pay for the wedding.

Also this poster obviously didn't shop around - if I were vulgar and materialistic enough to calculate my expected gifts as they have done, my total would be more along the lines of:

1 Person
Drinks reception = OP: 5 Euro -Ours: not needed. Tea, coffee and scones included in the price from the hotel, so my cost €0
Meal - OP: 45 Euro min. ours: €38.50 with dessert, €32.50 without (we are forgoing the dessert as the wedding cake will be dessert)
Wine plus corkage = 10 Euro (ours, same)
After dinner drink = 5 Euro min (ours same, but instead of after dinner drink having an open toast)
Late food & tea/coffee =OP: 5 Euro Ours €3.75 per head
Chair covers = 4 Euro ours: 2.50 each (but personally, my choice, would not consider it something that would cause the guests to have a bad time were I not to supply it)
Party favors = 2-5 Euro (I'll take 2 euro for you) ours: same, 2 each, for a total of 100
Band 2k/150 = OP 13.33 Euro ours: - no band. And if I were to have it, again I would not consider it a benefit' to the guest seeing as it were my choice.
DJ 400/150 = OP 2.66 Euro ours: our very excelleny DJ is €300 for the entire night and also ceremony music, and as there will only be 100 ppl, our cost comes in at €3
Cake = OP: 500/150 = 3.33 Euro ours cake €300 to feed 100 ppl, so €3per person, and if I were to go for a larger cake to feed 150 ppl (which I did price so I am sure of this price) would be €420= €2.80
Bar extension = OP 420*/150 = 2.8 Euro ours: €0 per person (originally €150 so would have been €1 per person, but as we were smart enough to haggle we got it thrown in)


so posters total:
= 98.12 Euro

our total would be: (were we cynical enough to calculate that way)
= €61.55

Difference of €36.57 which is over 33% more!

* nice government tax
As for this???? well its nothing to do with the government and everythign to do with the hotel. Hotel gets a licence for the year, not per event. so €420 pays for the application, every €420 after that is pure profit, and getting paid to MAKE MONEY!!!!!! and any hotel who takes a booking for 150 people wedding and charges for a bar extension needs a slap! seriously

If you expect your guests to foot the bill for your choice to spend more money than necessary that is totally unnacceptable IMO.

And what about the cost for the guest to attend - clothing (ok optional in the sense that they could wear something they already have), travel to/from wedding, accommodation, time off work, babysitter etc etc etc.

If you were to think of your wedding this way then you would have to individually have a balance sheet for each guest - well mary had to travel from Cork so she spent more than €98 so she gives no gift. But John lives only 10 mins away, so he should give €150.

Biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard in my life.

I am very glad I am not attending your wedding.