Oh, baby!

pikachucheeks

Ladies (and lurking gentlemen!)

I've been pondering this question for the past few weeks, just wondering what you all have to say on the topic - would you be happy to date someone who had a child from a previous relationship/marriage/one-night stand/whatever?

My personal feeling is that if I liked the person, I would.
I'd even be happy enough to play happy families!
The thought of being twenty and having to deal with the responsibility of a child in the early stages of a relationship is tough though!

miss.lost

pikachucheeks wrote: »

the responsibility of a child in the early stages of a relationship is tough though!

For me the child wouldnt be the problem but id find it kind of hard to deal with the fact that the other woman/man will always be a part of my partners life

seanybiker

my missus has a child and I get on with him more than his biological father. He is me little buddy. Some laugh off him.

minidazzler

I'm male and 19, my honest answer, given my Age. No. I couldn't, I just want fun, and definitely don't wanna fcuk with some kids mind by being there for a few weeks then breaking up with his/her mam.

pikachucheeks

minidazzler wrote: »

don't wanna fcuk with some kids mind by being there for a few weeks then breaking up with his/her mam.

That's a good point, actually.

It would be hard to be casually involved with someone who had a child, because the child might emotionally attach itself to you, or you to them.

That could be very difficult!

Crumble Froo

me and my fella met online, and after a year and a half of that, we met up in person... i was probably more worried about meeting his son than meeting him.

granted, his son was in his early/mid teens by the time i was on the scene, but it's still quite nerve-wrecking.

as it happens, we get on quite well, and he's rarely out without the hat i bought him for his last birthday! his mother, of course, is on the scene, but we've rarely met (although there are quite a few mutual friends, so it is weird to hear her mentioned on nights out with them), but for the most part, it's cool. pretty good set up.

Pherekydes

My OH's daughter still calls me Dad (at 24), so yes is the short answer.

Kiera

Have gone out with lads with kids and have never had a problem with it. I'm 30 this year and most of the guys i meet have kids now-a-days.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Otis Driftwood

Speaking personally I probably couldnt do it and I have steered clear of a couple of nice girls in the past because of this.The first few months of a relationship are key and I feel that having a child on the scene adds a totally new dimension to things.I guess part of it is to do with what minidazzler said,causing confusion in the childs life.That may sound like a cop out and maybe it is but thats just how I feel.However I would applade anyone that can get by this.I know a couple of people in similar situations,one friend is engaged to a girl with an 8 year old daughter.Its just not for me though.

Crumble Froo

well, if i had a child, i certainly wouldnt introduce it to just anyone i dated... for the first few months, you could date just me. if i think, and we have a conversation about the relationship maybe going somehwere, it's ok to intro the child to the relationship then, but i certainly wouldnt bring every first date round to the house before bed time...

Otis Driftwood

Crumble Froo wrote: »

well, if i had a child, i certainly wouldnt introduce it to just anyone i dated... for the first few months, you could date just me. if i think, and we have a conversation about the relationship maybe going somehwere, it's ok to intro the child to the relationship then, but i certainly wouldnt bring every first date round to the house before bed time...

LOL,I do realise that.The start of a typical relationship is about 2 people but when there is a child involved that makes 3 people that have to be considered and the child is going to take precedent every single time,or if not,it should.It adds a different dimension to procedings.With myself,if I meet someone Im into I want to spend alot of time with them,going on dates,getting to know them etc but when a child is involved it takes more planning eg babysitters.Off the cuff nights out would generally be a no-no because of the other element.How many people on here have been asked on a date,or been the asker,on a random night and at short notice and been able to drop what they were doing and go for it without a second thought.Alot Im sure.Unfortunatly with a child that cant really happen.Ya get me?

aoibhebree

I think that if I was single, it would just be closed-minded to write off a potential boyfriend just because he had a child from a previous relationship. It's not really ideal, but if I liked the guy it wouldn't bother me. I'd be more concerned about what his relationship was like with the child's mother - any unresolved feelings, or would there be likely to be a lot of tension/fighting about the child, etc.

I have to say though, I don't think it would be fair to meet the child or have anything to do with it until I knew the relationship was going to be a long-term thing.

Crumble Froo

ah yeah, i getcha. but for the sake of an occasional 'oh **** the kid/babysitter's fallen through, ill have to catch you next week'.

if i liked someone, i certianly wouldnt let a child get in the way... though if the child disliked me, after we'd met, i suppose that would put a certian other spin on things, though fortunately ill never be in that position, i hope.

Snowie

Not perticularly.... I guess the mother father situation could cause a few problems here and there...
Also the hole does she want me to be a father figure etc.... would play my mind a little.
But if it felt good it wouldnt bother me at all....

Ghost Train

Would probably put me off a bit. But depends on the person and situation.

Pythia

It would put me off at this age - 23. I think if you're a lot older, there's a high likelihood of it, but I wouldn't want extra baggage at this age.

Lockstep

pikachucheeks wrote: »

Ladies (and lurking gentlemen!)

I've been pondering this question for the past few weeks, just wondering what you all have to say on the topic - would you be happy to date someone who had a child from a previous relationship/marriage/one-night stand/whatever?

My personal feeling is that if I liked the person, I would.
I'd even be happy enough to play happy families!
The thought of being twenty and having to deal with the responsibility of a child in the early stages of a relationship is tough though!

I'd be sound with it. Kids are great.

John Mason

it would completely put me off

its one of the first questions, i used to ask potential partners

Pherekydes

aoibhebree wrote: »

I think that if I was single, it would just be closed-minded to write off a potential boyfriend just because he had a child from a previous relationship. It's not really ideal, but if I liked the guy it wouldn't bother me. I'd be more concerned about what his relationship was like with the child's mother - any unresolved feelings, or would there be likely to be a lot of tension/fighting about the child, etc.

True. In my own situation, the other parents (both) had fecked off to England and had no hand act nor part in the rearing of their kids. We were left to our own devices. No messy visitation rights and very little residual emotions from the kids about their absent parents. The kids from the two marriages are all adults now, and we have a 'second' family. We dated for a while, and then started bringing our kids out at the weekends to places like the zoo or the seaside and we all got used to each other gradually. Kids will accept anything if it's introduced gradually. After 5 months we went on a family holiday to Butlins and after that there was no going back.

I heard last week my ex had remarried. Maybe I should marry my OH? But it's only been 19 years. Maybe wait another while?

Toots

I wouldn't really be put off by a partner having a child already. There are a couple of things that would make me tread more carefully in the relationship though.

I wouldn't want to meet the child until I was sure that the relationship with their dad was serious, and even then I'd be unsure how to act around the child ie: wouldn't want them to think I was trying to take their mother's place. Also wouldn't want the child to get attached to me only for me and their dad to split up.

Nor would I want to risk getting attached to the child only to split up with the father. Someone close to me is in this position currently. He met his (soon to be ex)wife when her son was 6 months old. The dad wasn't on the scene, and my friend has been father to this child for his whole life, he loves the kid to bits and would literally do anything for him. The wife has now left him and is basically using the kid as a weapon to get him to give her what she wants. Basically if things aren't going her way, she stops letting him see the child. She stopped him seeing the kid for 9 months and it just broke his heart, and the child's too, and because the kid isn't biologically his, he has absolutely no rights to see him at all.

CoachBoone

Kids are cool, I have a younger Bro and the mother is a childcare/foster mum so I guess I would have some sort of experience with it.

I enjoy spending time with Kids though. I dont think my partner having a kid would be any hindrance on the relationship at all. Depending on the age of the child Im sure there would be things to deal with but they're are things to deal with in every relationship and tbh, not many of them are as cool as kids.

I would, of course, not be happy if I thought the relationship was harming the kid in any way, thats not right. I dont mean the typical "moms new boyfriend" but if it was a case where the child wasnt getting used to me, or was getting too used to me or was thinking I was the father then Id have to take a step back I think.

Overall, nah man, Kids are cool.

joes girls

ok well i have 3 kids......and if im out lookin for a man its for me......not my kids they have a dad.....if i let any man back into my life fulltime he would have to know my kids would always come first....

helimachoptor

For me I'm not sure, I would need to know that the girl wanted me for her and not as a new daddy for her child and then also you have to realise that another man is going to be a big part of her life aswell.

allabouteve

Pherekydes wrote: »

True. In my own situation, the other parents (both) had fecked off to England and had no hand act nor part in the rearing of their kids. We were left to our own devices. No messy visitation rights and very little residual emotions from the kids about their absent parents. The kids from the two marriages are all adults now, and we have a 'second' family. We dated for a while, and then started bringing our kids out at the weekends to places like the zoo or the seaside and we all got used to each other gradually. Kids will accept anything if it's introduced gradually. After 5 months we went on a family holiday to Butlins and after that there was no going back.

I heard last week my ex had remarried. Maybe I should marry my OH? But it's only been 19 years. Maybe wait another while?

A grown up story. Well done all concerned.

I wouldn't rush into marraige though, besides they say the first thirty years are the hardest!:D

Personally older kids wouldn't put me off, but I'd be still afraid of the fallout on them if things went belly-up. Its something I'd take really slowly and make sure I was able to handle before getting to be a huge part of the kids life.

MJOR

don't think it'd put me off to be hinest... when i was a younger mjor it would have but not anymore

sam34

have to say it would totally put me off.

i have made teh decision that i never want to have kids, i just dont have that maternal instinct/drive/gene/whatever.

i certainly dont want to be stuck with someone else's kids!

tbh, for me , it would be a deal-breaker.

i know that may seem like im cutting off my nose to spite my face, but, meh, thats a decision im willing to take.

(altho i did once go to a fortune teller who told me i would nt have my own kids but that i would end up with a man who had a son from a previous relationship.......

/sits back and waits for fate and above comments to bite me in the ass...

Stheno

For me it wouldn't put me off (I'm 35) but there would be a couple of important factors:

1. The age of the kids, I'm not good with small kids, so I'd find that very difficult.
2. Accepting that the kids would always come first regardless (although I'd expect a parent to do that, it would be accepting it, if that makes any sense?)
3. Being sure that I'd not be accepted to have any sort of a "replacement mammy" role.

holdmyhand?

my ex had a kid and i didnt meet her untill we had been goin out for 6 months purly because he didnt wanna bring me into it when i could be gone 2mo.... then it was a slow intro like meetin up for coffee as his friend etc.

i suppose the fact he was always open and honest about it is what made it ok for me.... like he told me straight off the bat. i also had a high opinion of him as it had been a one night stand and he had always been there for the girl and made sure he was part of his daughters life. it was nice to see like.

i suppose also im not a very jealous or needy person.

we broke up because he was moving to spain, because his daughters mother was moving there and bringin her....... while i was upset, it was so amazing he was givin up his life here so he could be near her.

short answer yes.

Fast_Mover

Would totally put me off!

It's not as I hate kids or anything..I'm a primary school teacher. Just don't need the extra baggage. Relationships are hard enough without adding a child to the equation.

Malari

I wouldn't get involved with anyone who had kids before. It's just not for me. I am not having kids myself and I don't particularly like them.

Apart from that, I couldn't deal with the whole problem of the ex being on the scene. Total deal-breaker.

metaoblivia

I'd be inclined to say it would put me off, but it all depends on the particular scenario. Right now though, I'm just getting used to the idea of a long term relationship and the responsibility that comes along with that without a kid in the picture. So a kid could very well spook me at this stage.