what was the stupidist reason for staying in a relationship

shezzie

this wasn't me but my mate tried breaking it off with her finally ex boyfriend and each time he said he would kill himself,,,couldn't live without her etc...she believed and believed him....a while later she finally broke up with him and guess what he is still with us.....just thought it was a rediculous reason for staying with someone as if its not working emotional blackmail certainly wont make it work out....think he just didn't like being single so played the games....

Kya1976

I found it really daunting to end my last long term relationship(10yrs). I was scared of leaving the 'safety net' of the relationship.

Stheno

Kya1976 wrote: »

I found it really daunting to end my last long term relationship(10yrs). I was scared of leaving the 'safety net' of the relationship.

+1, it can be very difficult to move on from that which is familiar.

Kya1976

nouggatti wrote: »

+1, it can be very difficult to move on from that which is familiar.

Yeah for sure, glad I did it though.

Stheno

Kya1976 wrote: »

Yeah for sure, glad I did it though.

Good for you

shezzie

yeah me too was in one for just over eight years there is abit of the familiar and breaking free but am also so better of for it and now so happy in new relationship engaged now....:)

Lockstep

shezzie wrote: »

this wasn't me but my mate tried breaking it off with her finally ex boyfriend and each time he said he would kill himself,,,couldn't live without her etc...she believed and believed him....a while later she finally broke up with him and guess what he is still with us.....just thought it was a rediculous reason for staying with someone as if its not working emotional blackmail certainly wont make it work out....think he just didn't like being single so played the games....

I had the exact same thing.

Quality

My stupidest reason was I was young and it was my birthday the next week, so i wanted a pressie out of the poor fecker!! Dumped him 2 days after.:cool:

minidazzler

Stupidest reason I have ever heard is "Love", the kind of "Love", when you ask them why they love each other, they say they don't know, they just do!!!!

mollybird

if i'm too scared to be alone. some people i know will stay in a relationship till they meet someone new and will break it off then just before anything starts with new person. or waiting till that certain someone becomes available.

Nevyn

Promises that they would not hurt me like that again and they would get help but they did again and again
each one on top the previous ones before they had completely healed;
both while I was still in the relationship and each time we started to get close to giving it another try.
I'm stubborn and I wanted to believe them and they made such promises it wasn't until something broke
inside me that I closed that door and nailed it shut.

That's happened 3 times in my life, every time I have fallen in Love
and at this stage of my life I am starting to think I don't need the hassle.

me_right_one

shezzie wrote: »

this wasn't me but my mate tried breaking it off with her finally ex boyfriend and each time he said he would kill himself,,,couldn't live without her etc...she believed and believed him....a while later she finally broke up with him and guess what he is still with us.....just thought it was a rediculous reason for staying with someone as if its not working emotional blackmail certainly wont make it work out....think he just didn't like being single so played the games....

Ah you're being a bit harsh there. Yerman could be contemplating it every day, trying to pluck up the courage. She should have gone to a councillor or psychologist with him if he was saying things like that.

minidazzler

me_right_one wrote: »

Ah you're being a bit harsh there. Yerman could be contemplating it every day, trying to pluck up the courage. She should have gone to a councillor or psychologist with him if he was saying things like that.

He manipulated her into staying with him. That's not OK. She has no responsibility to him. Leaving him was for the best of her sanity.

Stheno

mollybird wrote: »

if i'm too scared to be alone.

In my opinion, it can be very lonely sticking with a relationship, just so you won't be "alone".

me_right_one

minidazzler wrote: »

He manipulated her into staying with him. That's not OK. She has no responsibility to him. Leaving him was for the best of her sanity.

He didnt manipulate her! How is confiding in someone that you're feeling suicidal manipulating? She had a responsibility as a decent human being to help this lad. If a complete stranger came to your door and asked you to call them an ambulance, you'd do it wouldn't you? And this wasnt a complete stranger!!! I think it was his sanity that was in question. If someone says something like that to you, then they have a serious problem.

Her best course of action would have been to tell this poor chap that their being together or not had nothing to do with his mental probs, and that she still wanted to be single, but that she'd help him by going to a GP, councillor, therapist etc. with him if he wanted. At that point, if he was faking or being manipulative, he would've just thought fcuk this. If he wasn't, then this girl could have saved a fella's life. And if he declined but actually killed himself, then she wouldnt feel guilty that she "made him do it". Of course she didnt, but the thought would go through your mind!!!! It would!!!! And if, as it turned out, they broke up and he didnt do it, well at least he can never say in years to come that she had some bad influence on his mental wellbeing

Nevyn

Don't leave me or I will hurt/harm/kill myself.
Totally and utter emotional manipulation.
No one should have to put up with that.

A person who does that is trying to make the other person responsible
for their actions and trap them into staying or as part of lashing out
to hurt the other person. Nothing would have me walk away quicker
then that. Yes I would alert their friends and family and make sure that
they have the contact numbers for people who can help them but there
is no way I would stay in a relationship with someone who disrespected
themselves and myself to behave in that way, esp if the relationship
had gotten to the stage where it was over.

Lockstep

minidazzler wrote: »

Leaving him was for the best of her sanity.

I'm not trying to be patronising, it sounds great to say this in hindsight.
I wish I'd got out of it sooner but when your with someone who's unstable, your not really thinking about the fact that they might be faking. The possibility that they might be serious about it (especially if they've a history of self harm etc) clouds your judgement.

consultech

shezzie wrote: »

this wasn't me but my mate tried breaking it off with her finally ex boyfriend and each time he said he would kill himself,,,couldn't live without her etc...she believed and believed him....a while later she finally broke up with him and guess what he is still with us.....just thought it was a rediculous reason for staying with someone as if its not working emotional blackmail certainly wont make it work out....think he just didn't like being single so played the games....

Actually a VERRRRY common thing. Have a had a few lady friends in the same boat (actually seems to be lads who do it more, or maybe it's just the girls who share this info about it). Really don't know what people are trying to achieve (and that's all it is 95% of the time; a game) with it, as if you can build a healthy relationship on that foundation or somethin.

The comfort zone/safety net thing is a big one. Im in the process of working through an amicable breakup with my current girlfriend and it's very hard to push yourself out of it, as you'll invariably have very many "lapse" moments and just want them back for comfort. I suppose that's where your mates come in (not for comfort!)

consultech

Thaedydal wrote: »

Don't leave me or I will hurt/harm/kill myself.
Totally and utter emotional manipulation.
No one should have to put up with that.

A person who does that is trying to make the other person responsible
for their actions and trap them into staying or as part of lashing out
to hurt the other person. Nothing would have me walk away quicker
then that. Yes I would alert their friends and family and make sure that
they have the contact numbers for people who can help them but there
is no way I would stay in a relationship with someone who disrespected
themselves and myself to behave in that way, esp if the relationship
had gotten to the stage where it was over.

You're rhyming scheme is all wrong btw.

:rolleyes:

star-pants

Thaedydal wrote: »

Don't leave me or I will hurt/harm/kill myself.
Totally and utter emotional manipulation.
No one should have to put up with that.

Agreed - that's a bit mental.
Manipulation is no way to get someone to stay. It has to be of their own free choice, else it's not a relationship.
Explaining that perhaps you harm yourself (nothing to do with asking a partner to stay) is only being honest and perhaps looking for help/support. But using that to get someone to stay is very unfair. If you have to manipulate/emotionally blackmail someone to stay with you then it's not a relationship. I have never and will never use such tools to convince someone to stay with me. I've been broken up with many times, and I've only ever pleaded with one, and that was mainly just to talk things out, not even to get them to change their mind.
A decision is a decision, it's not really up for debate.

I've been hurt in relationships but I've never particularly stayed because I was scared to be alone or anything. I've been hurt and usually just walk away when the breakup happens.

I've heard lots of reasons for staying in a relationship, not wanting to be alone, liking the company, etc. And I've had friends who have (IMO) emotionally mislead their OH to keep them around (even if they'd partially lost interest). It's very unfair.
People don't change, lying/manipulating won't help anyone, if one half decides its over then that's that. Threatening them won't help.

jellie

thinking that even though hed changed he was still the same boy he was when i met underneath all his crap.

but no, he hasnt. in fact the person i thought hed changed into mightve been the person he was all along, just v well hidden

barbiegirl

I was friends with a lady in her 50's in a previous job, who stayed with her abusive husband, because she didn't want to leave her house and because her daughter who knew the dad had been hitting mum for years said that if she did she's never talk to her again!!
Last time I talked to her he had beat the s*** out of her again. We lost touch unfortunately.

intermittentmay

He was a grey man, not very brilliant but a good person in general, and he was 85% deaf. I didn't love him but I felt guilty so I stayed with him out of pity.
Stupidest thing ever... Two years later he left me via sms... Serves me right!

Zzippy

consultech wrote: »

Actually a VERRRRY common thing. Have a had a few lady friends in the same boat (actually seems to be lads who do it more, or maybe it's just the girls who share this info about it). Really don't know what people are trying to achieve (and that's all it is 95% of the time; a game) with it, as if you can build a healthy relationship on that foundation or somethin.

The comfort zone/safety net thing is a big one. Im in the process of working through an amicable breakup with my current girlfriend and it's very hard to push yourself out of it, as you'll invariably have very many "lapse" moments and just want them back for comfort. I suppose that's where your mates come in (not for comfort!)

I agree, 95% of the time its lads and its emotional blackmail, but sometimes they really mean it. Happened a girl in college, she eventually broke up with her bf, in spite of his threats to harm himself. Two days later he jumped through a 3rd floor window. Survived but with extensive injuries.

Wibbs

consultech wrote: »

You're rhyming scheme is all wrong btw.

:rolleyes:

? Please play nice or don't post. Thanks.

consultech

Zzippy wrote: »

I agree, 95% of the time its lads and its emotional blackmail, but sometimes they really mean it. Happened a girl in college, she eventually broke up with her bf, in spite of his threats to harm himself. Two days later he jumped through a 3rd floor window. Survived but with extensive injuries.

It can be tough - and obviously having never been on the receiving end of such a threat permits me to be completely theoretical on the topic - but you really can't live your life in fear of those threats. A person capable of making those threats is in a certain position mentally because of a variety of contributary factors in their life, usually ironically hugely inclusive of the exact relationship they're desperately trying to preserve.

Cutting the chord is often the best thing you can do for these people, alllowing them to escape from their now-obvious dependancy state and develop as rounded, independant people.

LadyE

intermittentmay wrote: »

He was a grey man, not very brilliant but a good person in general, and he was 85% deaf. I didn't love him but I felt guilty so I stayed with him out of pity.
Stupidest thing ever... Two years later he left me via sms... Serves me right!

You said with a guy because you felt sorry for him? Wtf? thats just nasty! Damn right being dumped by text served you right!

Rozabeez

Emotional blackmail is disgusting, putting all that responsibility on someone you supposedly love if just messed up. I agree that I've heard of a lot of men doing this and only a handful of women, what gets me is that people still believe it when they hear the ex/OH say it. I know I never did and hey, he's still alive.

Snowie

I'm saying it SEX I stayed witha girl because the SEX was good...

intermittentmay

LadyE wrote: »

You said with a guy because you felt sorry for him? Wtf? thats just nasty! Damn right being dumped by text served you right!

Yes, you're probably right.

minidazzler

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I'm saying it SEX I stayed witha girl because the SEX was good...

That is actually a fantastic reason!!!

JaneyMc

I think the stupidest reason for staying in a relationship is fear of being alone. Once you have actually realised you don't want to be there or see any kind of future in the relationship you should bail as soon as possible imo.

I would rather be the person making myself unhappy, not someone else that I didn't want to be with just because I didn't want to be alone.

The amount of women ( I am not saying men don't do this, I just don't know any that do) that I know that being in a relationship is their number one priority in life. I just don't get it. No other person should define you and I don't see how someone you don't love can make you feel loved or whole.

I have one particular friend who is in a very mentally abusive relationship. They both treat each other like crap, and are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it should have ended a long time ago. Boith of them are desperately unhappy.

She won't leave because she doesn't want to be alone. ( I don't know him well enough to understand why he doesn't leave) She hasn't been single for more than 3 months in the last 10 years. I look at her and wonder why she just doesn't walk, but I know what she is like and she will not leave until either the first slap is thrown or there is literally nothing left to hold onto.

SeekUp

I've stayed with someone purely because I was too lazy to break it off. I hung around, all curt and moody until he got fed up with me.

consultech

That reminds me: A few years ago my mate was too chiken shit to break up with his girlfriend so he just got blind-eye pi$$ed 4 weeks in a row until she did it!!

Snowie

minidazzler wrote: »

That is actually a fantastic reason!!!

I know under normal circumstances they where but she wasnt normal.... :eek:

MintyLynzey

Its always hard to leave a long term realationship, the security is hard to walk away from!! but fair play to you guys that knew wat was best for ya =D

Lorrs33

Dumbest reason I stayed with my last boyfriend was because I loved the drama of the relationship. Thankfully I've moved past that now.

smileysurfer

Kya1976 wrote: »

I found it really daunting to end my last long term relationship(10yrs). I was scared of leaving the 'safety net' of the relationship.

Thats really understandable! I think its really hard to break free and face everything alone instead of as a couple

consultech

Lorrs33 wrote: »

Dumbest reason I stayed with my last boyfriend was because I loved the drama of the relationship. Thankfully I've moved past that now.

I'm curious; Were you actually consciously aware of this while you were in the relationship??? Very rare for this kind of thing to ever be more than a subconscious thing. Did u actually sit there goin "I love all this drama", or is it a very retrospective and "looking back...that's why I stayed in it etc etc" kind of reflection?

smileysurfer

SeekUp wrote: »

I've stayed with someone purely because I was too lazy to break it off. I hung around, all curt and moody until he got fed up with me.

Theres nothing worse in a relationship!
Well theres a few things a lot worse, but its not nice!

Kya1976

smileysurfer wrote: »

Thats really understandable! I think its really hard to break free and face everything alone instead of as a couple

And I think a lot of people would be scared of other peoples/family members reactions too. I noticed after I broke it off with my ex that a lot of people questioned my decision. Like some of my friends/family members seem to think if you have put 10yrs+ into it already you might as well stay.

me_right_one

SeekUp wrote: »

I've stayed with someone purely because I was too lazy to break it off. I hung around, all curt and moody until he got fed up with me.

Evil

The Sweeper

me_right_one, please keep it constructive

Lorrs33

consultech wrote: »

I'm curious; Were you actually consciously aware of this while you were in the relationship??? Very rare for this kind of thing to ever be more than a subconscious thing. Did u actually sit there goin "I love all this drama", or is it a very retrospective and "looking back...that's why I stayed in it etc etc" kind of reflection?

I wasn't consciously aware of it for most of the relationship. When I did become aware of it, I ended it

Pythia

A lot of my friends I had met through him and I thought my network would totally collapse if we broke up. I don't see those people as much anymore, but I found someone so much better in the end.

MadgeBadge

An ex asked me to stay with him during the break up not because he loved me, saw his future life with me etc. but because he thought he was too old to find anyone else....he was only 29!

pow wow

Thinking he would change and it would get better. Once a line has been crossed it's straight downhill, Rihanna and Chris Brown style.

Zee Deveel

Because he didn't know what he'd do without me, his mam already loved me, his brother thought I was great, his life meant so much more when I was in it, he barely even worried about his schizophrenia when I was around. Yes, he totally pulled the 'you make my mental illness better' card.

Less than 6 months later he was, I can't remember, either engaged, or moved in with a chick known for her, emm... 'bicycle' status around town. Live and learn, eh?