Bf looking at other women

LegacyUser

Ive been with my boyfriend nearly a year and the other night he has said it would be the last time we go out together to a pub/nightclub.

Every time we go out I accuse him of looking at other women (which he does and Im not imagining it) He always does this.
I have told him that I dont care what he does when he's with the lads but at least have some respect for me while hes out with me.

I dont mind him looking at the odd random girl but he seems to "pick" a certain girl or group of girls and justs keeps glancing over at them. He goes as far as to switch seats if he cant see her/them anymore. He ALWAYS does this!!!!

Not to sound cocky but I would say I am an attractive girl so I wouldnt be thinking "shes prittier than me"

Neither of us has cheated while in the relationship and I trust him 100%. Its just annoying me so much!!!!

My quetion is why do you lads do it?
Do yous do it while with your girlfriend and if so why? (im just trying to understand)
Also girls, do your boyfriends do this and what do you do?

Thanks

/rant over :-)

Thanks

ellie1

While its okay to have a glance at other people and perfectly normal. I find it highly disrespectful that he is so obvious about it. Moving seats to oggle girls while you are there.
You seem quite resonable and aware that men may do this while with there friends. I presume you have discussed this with him and he is not hearing you at all. While I am not advocating playing games, how would he feel if you did the exact same thing back to him and you move seats to oggle some guys?

Katgurl

its annoying alright but it really really really doesn't mean anything. if i were you i would not pay the blindest bit of notice and concentrate on enjoying your own night out - dancing / chatting to everyone etc.

You'll probably find he'll start spending the night trying to get two minutes of your attention.


Also enjoy the fact that you are undoubtedly getting checked out by a good percentage of the other guys in the bar.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't worry at the end of the day he's with you and you are just going to drive him away by being so possesive. I'm a firm believer in "you can look but you can't touch". Once he is not cheating you shouldn't be worrying, I sometimes subconsiously check out men without even realising till my boyf says it to me.

Lolabugs

Oh my god my OH does this too! So annoying.
At first I thoght to go over and start chatting to another bloke but then I thought making him jelous wont solve anything

Anyway boys wil be boys and of course he WILL look at other girls while with the lads but as you said, he should have some respect while he's with you... Sorry but i still Cant Believe that he would swap seats!!!!!:eek:

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is the same, I despise it. I told him the "all men do it" excuse just doesn't cut it for me, I don't ogle men, and you know why? Because I am happy with who I am with, I love him, I fancy him, there is no need to look at anyone else.

What if a girl spots him eyeing her up then reciprocates? It could go further and I hate it, especially if you aren't there. I would sooner be there to keep my eye on him rather than happily letting him do it with the lads because "the lads" could egg him on to go further, you know what men are like. No offence but men do not go against the grain of their mates unless they want to be called chicken sh*t or something equally as similar.

who007

stoplookingNOW wrote: »

My boyfriend is the same, I despise it. I told him the "all men do it" excuse just doesn't cut it for me, I don't ogle men, and you know why? Because I am happy with who I am with, I love him, I fancy him, there is no need to look at anyone else.

What if a girl spots him eyeing her up then reciprocates? It could go further and I hate it, especially if you aren't there. I would sooner be there to keep my eye on him rather than happily letting him do it with the lads because "the lads" could egg him on to go further, you know what men are like. No offence but men do not go against the grain of their mates unless they want to be called chicken sh*t or something equally as similar.

Wow.
Do you not have the self confidence not to worry about him going off with a woman just cos he looks at her?
You feel you need to be there 'to keep an eye on him'?

'No offence but men do not go against the grain of their mates unless they want to be called chicken sh*t or something equally as similar' ???

No offence but you are thinking of possibly teenagers, not men.



Oh, and btw... we all do it

kevmy

Well as a guy I have to say it's pretty much hardwired in to look at girls. It's just we like how they look and thats that. If we didn't we wouldn't ever go out with anyone.

Having said that naturally you would certainly look less when you are with your gf (thats not to say we don't look) and you shouldn't ever really ogle. Switching seats at the bar to check out girls when you are with your gf is defo out of order.

As for general glancing, well it's like having a really nice painting by a great artist, you have it and you never want to give it up however when you get the opportunity to take a look at another picture by the same artist you can't resist

Bottle_of_Smoke

stoplookingNOW wrote: »

My boyfriend is the same, I despise it. I told him the "all men do it" excuse just doesn't cut it for me, I don't ogle men, and you know why? Because I am happy with who I am with, I love him, I fancy him, there is no need to look at anyone else.

What if a girl spots him eyeing her up then reciprocates? It could go further and I hate it, especially if you aren't there. I would sooner be there to keep my eye on him rather than happily letting him do it with the lads because "the lads" could egg him on to go further, you know what men are like. No offence but men do not go against the grain of their mates unless they want to be called chicken sh*t or something equally as similar.

Well men and women are different and that's a really really low and inaccurate view you have of men. Lots of guys would be pissed off at someone who cheated on their girlfriend, particularly in front of them.

I do think the OPs boyfriend is out of order though. Has no respect for her. Nothing wrong with checking girls out but when you're with your girlfriend you should be subtle, and she really shouldn't notice.

Give out to him, tell him its ridiculous and explain how it hurts you.

Mr. Incognito

Men Look. Get over it. It's hard-wired into us. Touching on the other hand is different.

If he's not being subtle about it, well then teach him some tact. Moving seats with your missus there is a bit far imo.

Crash Bang Wall

Look but dont touch would be fair enough as far as Im concerned.

Dont tell me you wouldnt check out a group of cute guys!!!

Redpunto

The excuse that all men will look is a load of b*llix,,,,, does he not have enough self control not to do this, at least when youre around.

How you proceed really depends on how big a deal it is to you, I would find it very hard to be dealing with that every time yed be going out, if he knows how much it upsets you he should stop.

If he doesnt stop then id seriously consider why he "needs" to do it.

LegacyUser

Redpunto wrote: »

if he knows how much it upsets you he should stop.

Thing is he swears blind that he's not doing it and keeps saying that Im just being paranoid!!!

He isnt the brightest crayon in the box as I can CLEARLY see that he's doing it.
As other people have said, if he did it subtly I wouldnt bat an eye lid but its just that fact that he makes it soooo obvious.

Next time were out and he does it, Im not even gonna give him a warning Im just gonna walk out turn my phone off and go home. Maybe THEN he'll get the message!!!!

Dudess

That's unacceptable behaviour OP - it's not a case of you being insecure, it's a case of him being out of order. Eye up another nice-looking girl because you just can't help yourself, fair enough... but blatant constant looking - even to the point of swapping seats! - that's just obnoxious.

And guys don't "all" do that. What nonsense. I agree most guys would have a look now and again - it's only natural, nothing wrong with it - but not a full-on "project" like the OP's boyfriend's.

Terodil

Redpunto wrote: »

The excuse that all men will look is a load of b*llix,,,,, does he not have enough self control not to do this, at least when youre around.

How you proceed really depends on how big a deal it is to you, I would find it very hard to be dealing with that every time yed be going out, if he knows how much it upsets you he should stop.

If he doesnt stop then id seriously consider why he "needs" to do it.

I think we really need to distinguish between 'looking' and 'staring/flirting' here.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'looking'. I think it is indeed natural if you aren't totally drunk or dumb. I'd look at pretty beetles or strange-shaped clouds the same way, without thinking much, just registering interestedly. Perhaps I'd get some idea for a present for my OH if I see some clothes that I think would go her pretty. Dunno.

And then there's staring/flirting/leering. TBH switching seats in order to stare at one particular girl during an entire evening is clearly over the top.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Too many people here are comparing the OP with the OP in the following thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055401091

Very unfair comparison.

Like I said I am attractive so it wouldn't be a case of "he's looking at her cos shes prettier"
I am a confident girl with absolutly no insecurities.
I am 99.9% sure he wouldn't cheat on me.
My point is that I start to feel upset and disrespected. What he does with the lads or on his own is none of my business in my opinion.

On the topic of staring/looking/gleering.... he just keeps looking in the direction of said girl/group every few seconds. As I said before I wouldn't mind if it was the odd girl/group but its the same girl/group the whole night!!!

Dudess

Some people here are comparing the OP with the OP in the following thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055401091

Very unfair comparison.

Unregistered wrote: »

you are just going to drive him away by being so possesive.

Crash Bang Wall wrote: »

Dont tell me you wouldnt check out a group of cute guys!!!

I see ye missed the bit where she said he practically focuses on other women for the night - even to the point of swapping seats.

stoplookingNOW wrote: »

I don't ogle men, and you know why? Because I am happy with who I am with, I love him, I fancy him, there is no need to look at anyone else.

You mean because you really fancy your man, you've completely stopped finding any other men attractive? Not possible I'm afraid. And a quick glance is not ogling.
And who said anything about a "need" to look at others? Sometimes you just look - sh1t happens.

What if a girl spots him eyeing her up then reciprocates? It could go further and I hate it, especially if you aren't there. I would sooner be there to keep my eye on him rather than happily letting him do it with the lads because "the lads" could egg him on to go further, you know what men are like. No offence but men do not go against the grain of their mates unless they want to be called chicken sh*t or something equally as similar.

Oh dear. Serious trust issues there.

who007 wrote: »

Oh, and btw... we all do it

You all do what the OP's boyfriend does?

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Nothing wrong with checking girls out but when you're with your girlfriend you should be subtle, and she really shouldn't notice.

I don't think it should be a case of "only do it in such a way that she won't notice" - that's actually kinda sneaky IMO. The odd glance - all's cool, just no staring.

Redpunto wrote: »

The excuse that all men will look is a load of b*llix,,,,, does he not have enough self control not to do this, at least when youre around.

I'd imagine all men will look but all men won't go overboard like the OP's boyfriend. It's not about having or not having self control, it's about being human.

Crash Bang Wall

Maybe its me being abnormal, but going out with a bird if she was chatting/checking out fellas etc etc, I wouldnt be too bothered for the simple reason:

I know shes coming home with me!!!

If you really want to "fix" him tell him the next nite ye go out that if hes caught staring he aint gettin any 2nite.....should sort him out.

Personally not wanting to sound smart arsed or anything, but I think ur over reacting

LegacyUser

my god! how can so many people think that its ok for your other half to stare at others to the extent where he moves seat if he cant see them anymore! I think its completely out of line, and I wouldnt be so confident that he wont cheat on you if he is staring other women out of it - while in your presence!!
I am not the best looking girl in the world so when I go out with my bf i know there are plenty of better looking women around, and im sure he has an oogle when im gone to the bathroom or whetever, but he would NEVER be so insensitive as to stay staring at some girl when im there.. and if he did I would definately be really hurt. And i dont think thats a case of me being insecure, i think its just called respecting your partner. Sher half the time Ill point out a girl with massive boobs of whatever, he'll look, we'll both have a laugh about it, and then he'll tell me there not as nice as mine!!! even tho its a blatant lie its nice that he wants me to feel good.
I think most women would feel hurt in this situation.

LegacyUser

I dont think the OP is over reacting at all. She accepts that men look sometimes but her OH is actively going out of his way by switching seats to do this whilst with his girlfriend. Im a guy and Id never do that, sure I look but not when im with my girlfriend and id never ever just lear at a girl like some men do. I actually hate when I see men do this, it really annoys me! So OP, yea, I think you have a right to be angry at him.

Dudess

Crash Bang Wall wrote: »

Maybe its me being abnormal

More like you haven't read the opening post properly.

going out with a bird if she was chatting/checking out fellas etc etc, I wouldnt be too bothered for the simple reason:

I know shes coming home with me!!!

Except it's not as simple in the OP's case as just chatting to/checking out people.

Personally not wanting to sound smart arsed or anything, but I think ur over reacting

Fear of infidelity aside, would you not consider it rather rude of your partner to make a point of not just looking, but becoming engrossed in another guy/a group of guys for much of the night? And then swapping seats in order to get a better view? It would be bad manners for anyone to do that, not just your boyfriend/girlfriend.

John Mason

lol relax he is only looking:rolleyes:


my oh on monday night outside on "JAYSIS, look at the legs on that, i would be bet into her"

so what, i do the same to him

you need to chill out

Dudess

Well I'm generally very relaxed too but the following would piss me off no end:

I dont mind him looking at the odd random girl but he seems to "pick" a certain girl or group of girls and justs keeps glancing over at them. He goes as far as to switch seats if he cant see her/them anymore. He ALWAYS does this!!!!

It's just ill-mannered.

LegacyUser

I think ill just do what I said before... next time were out ill just leave and turn my phone off. He'll probably get the message about how much its pissing me off!

Oh and by the way Ive used the no sex card waaaay too much LOL

Good to see other people agree with me I thought It was just me being a b1tch cos I already knew most guys do the same. (apart from the swapping seat thing)

kevmy

Really what seems to be the issue is more of a bad-manners/insensitivity issue more than anything else.

Don't know how you can solve that really, except that bad manners are generally habits which can be gotten rid of but only when the person makes the effort.

Nevyn

It's one thing to look, we all do it, it's another to let the person you are with see you looking not everyone is comfortable with that and some people are not comfortable
with comments being passed.

If I was seeing someone and we were out, looking and passing comment would not bother me
but the level of disrespect shown by expecting me to change seat so they can have a better view
would have me seething and them experiencing the sharper side of my tounge and being told
that I did not find it acceptable.

If they did not respect me and kept that type of behaviour up then they would find themselves
having a break up conversation.

Myggel

As a guy, yes we all look but I'm trying to think of the different ways:

1. Look and get caught if you want the girl to know. Usually when you're single and looking to pull or not single but out with mates (acting like the lads but know you're not going to do anything and sure the attention is great)

2. Looking but not getting caught. The day to day 'grazing' of talent but don't want anything made of it. Like when you're walking down the street, at work or out with you're gf.

Doing no 1 when your out with your gf is simply not done. It's not looking it's flirting and is highly disrespectful. He turns his seat to look at them? F*&k off, if I did that to my gf she'd drop me there and then and rightly so.

Remember this could be the start of him sidelining you so have a long think about whether the games are worth it.

Just remembered classic Seinfeld episode about catching a look. It's like looking at the sun, you look in the general direction but never stare straight at, you might go blind!

Joey the lips

Men look and i dont see the problem. I love madly my OH but i find I look at others. actually her brother would call me over in a pub to look at someone. Weird No!

I was best friend with her brother before I met her so we are just carrying that on. The difference is I go home with my O/H every night.

I know she does it. Her confidence is a lot stronger than mine so she makes a laugh of it.


I do think though your fella is wrong to make it obvious on front of you and I think you were right to say it.

But i really think what will be will be. He loves you so he will stay with you but if you dont like it. You tell him YOUR not going out with him. You lay it down on your grounds!

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

Oh and by the way Ive used the no sex card waaaay too much LOL

In my opinion, punishing your partner by withholding sex should NEVER be resorted to. It's one thing to just not be in the mood, but to deny him/her it to get back at them is just petty and nasty.

topper75

Unregistered wrote: »

Im not even gonna give him a warning Im just gonna walk out turn my phone off and go home. Maybe THEN he'll get the message!!!!

He's out of order with the leering (looking Is OK).

This sentence above though suggests you could focus better on communication. Women can talk to each other with these passive-aggressive hints. Men don't do hints. Don't expect him to understand anything, other than you being slightly crazy, if you behave as above.

shellyboo

topper75 wrote: »

This sentence above though suggests you could focus better on communication. Women can talk to each other with these passive-aggressive hints. Men don't do hints. Don't expect him to understand anything, other than you being slightly crazy, if you behave as above.

Yes, exactly.

OP, if you want him to "get the message" why don't you just TELL HIM the message? No need for childish tantrums and game-playing.

Blue_Wolf

thrill seek, bit of fun, catch the eye, its harmless but I can see why that would annoy you.

LegacyUser

Men know looking is wrong, and they still do it. They say they do it when the gf isn't there, why do it at all then?

kevmy

Unregistered wrote: »

Men know looking is wrong, and they still do it. They say they do it when the gf isn't there, why do it at all then?

It's not wrong.

I wouldn't consider it wrong at all. If I didn't like the look of women then I probably wouldn't be interested in my gf.

It's wrong to ogle or leer ok but a quick look is fine. I wouldn't mind if my gf looked at other guys.

But if my gf was around I'd much prefer to look at her anyway and to obviously ogle another woman when your gf is about is disrespectful to her. I mean if you can't keep your attention on her while you are with her then somethings up.

bubblewrap

My bf has looked at womens legs and stuff when I was there, I was not happy at all, I don't like my legs and for him to look at someone elses hurt me. I just don't know why men do it. If they are willing to look elsewhere (especially in front of their gf) then IMO they would be willing to do much more should the opportunity arise.

Dudess

bubblewrap wrote: »

I just don't know why men do it.

Sigh... Because they like the look of attractive things - the same way you and I and anyone else does. It's really not an impulse they should feel obliged to control. Be reasonable ffs... And start differentiating between a quick second look (which is only natural) and a long, lusty leer.

If they are willing to look elsewhere (especially in front of their gf) then IMO they would be willing to do much more should the opportunity arise.

That statement is so ****ed up I don't even know where to begin...

You don't seem to be able to appreciate that a guy randomly looking at a very good-looking girl is no different to him looking at anything else that's visually pleasing (painting, house, car, item of clothing, garden). It's just something basic that does not require any reading into. It's also not something he can help really - some of the talk here implies that a guy does this in a calculated way. It's just a random, arbitrary thing and certainly not something a guy should feel bad for. What do you propose he do when he spots a good-looking girl - shield his eyes as if there's just been a nuclear strike and quickly stare at the floor?
And interpreting such looking as something which implies he could do other stuff - that is such a messed up way of thinking.

Rob_l

Everybody looks the whole world is aware that everybody looks thats why the media advertise they way they do, why television shows market their hunky\pretty actors\actresses.

There is nothing wrong with looking!
Looking while out with your significant other in a lewd crude way that causes upset to your partner is perhaps not acceptable but too expect people not to look is crazy.

I mean how would you go through life, with your eyes closed? Out of fear that you may one day look at a woman who you think is attractive.

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

Men know looking is wrong, and they still do it. They say they do it when the gf isn't there, why do it at all then?

Because they can't help it (quick looking that is, not staring) and they like looking at beautiful sights.

Honestly, some people expect 1984-esque control of one's feelings and emotions.

bubblewrap

bubblewrap wrote: »

I just don't know why men do it. If they are willing to look elsewhere (especially in front of their gf) then IMO they would be willing to do much more should the opportunity arise.

Because they like looking at pretty things?
Honestly this is such an absurd overreaction I have no idea where to start. I have absolutely no idea how you can even remotely equate looking at someone with "doing much more" to them. If I see a shiny top/jewellery/etc in the window, I'm not overcome with the urge to break through the window and steal it. I might notice it's pretty, admire, and move on and forget about it.

If you don't like your legs work on your self confidence and stop obsessing over whether your bf is looking around or not. Or buy him blinkers. Better yet, never let him out of doors or watch tv in case he sees another female :rolleyes:

Men know looking is wrong, and they still do it

They don't "know" it's wrong. They may say it's wrong to appease a highly oversensitive, possessive girlfriend and keep the peace. Truth is, it's not "wrong".

Honestly people I would be far more worried if my bf was only with me because he hadn't noticed anyone better looking yet. Maybe you should think about that before obsessing about what direction they are looking in.

Nitxteha

He's looking for attention from you. Pay no attention to his behaviour. Ignore that attitude completely. He'll finally give up.

This is like children behaving bad and expecting a reaction from mothers. When they are ignored them they give up because they don't get the expected attention.

You trust him and he's with you, not with any girl he looks at. Let him look until he gets bored

Signpost

hmmm Is that you hunny??
I always do this and I never deny it. I like to know whats out there. Keeps herself looking sharp and keeps the bit of fire in the belly for both of us that there is other there if we dont keep it interesting! I dont see the badness in this. If the gf did it, which she doesnt?, it wouldnt bother me. I look at every woman regardless on a night out and after this explanation i think the gf would be worried if I didnt!

In case it is you... I love you loads and you are the only sexy lady for me, right now

Dudess

Signpost wrote: »

hmmm Is that you hunny??
I always do this and I never deny it.

You blatantly keep staring at a specific girl/group of girls for the night, including swapping your seat to get a better look at them if needs be? (What the OP's boyfriend does - not reasonable. Quite vile actually).
Or you just have a quick look here and there at really beautiful women (because it's in your nature, it's reasonable)?

I like to know whats out there.

That statement would tend to indicate you do make a point of being really blatant about it.

Keeps herself looking sharp

Ah yes, keep your woman/man on their toes - the basis of any respectful relationship.

Kimia

I just start laughing if my boyfriend does that and make a show out of him.

I don't care if he looks at women but sometimes I show him that he's not the only one who can 'look' and then I'll have a gawk at the male talent around!

bubblewrap

D'ya think just rolling your eyes at him would show that it is just silly typical male behaviour?

Tigger

is he allowed watch telly some of the girls on the box are put there based on their looks

look if he's looking when yer there he either ;
thinks there is nothing wrong with it and at least isn't being sly
or;
is bored with you

ask him, i don't know

Dudess

Tigger wrote: »

is he allowed watch telly some of the girls on the box are put there based on their looks

That's unfair on the OP - she's not bothered by her boyfriend looking at good-looking women when it's only natural... she's talking about the way he does it - having a policy of staring at women on nights out.

bubblewrap

There is a world of difference between gawping at a woman on the tv/in a magazine to an attainable woman in a pub/club.

_blank_

bubblewrap wrote: »

There is a world of difference between gawping at a woman on the tv/in a magazine to an attainable woman in a pub/club.

No there isn't.

I was out with my OH the other evening, Monday it was, in Dublin City Centre.

We went out for a smoke, and a girl walked past us with an amazing set of pins on her.

I commented, my OH looked, and said "oh yeah", we went back in, and continued our evening.

I get the feeling from you that if I was going out with you, and did the same, then you'd fire me to the sofa to sleep that night.

Which I find extremely weird.

bubblewrap

Why is it weird? I honestly think some people can be a little too complacent, for example my friend said don't worry all men look, my ex did it all of the time, yes her ex certainly did, he also doinked every one of them too behind her back.

I am not buying it, we all have boundaries and ogling other women, for me, is crossing just that.

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

Why is it weird? I honestly think some people can be a little too complacent,

Repleace 'complacent' with 'secure' and you might be on to something.

bubblewrap wrote: »

for example my friend said don't worry all men look, my ex did it all of the time, yes her ex certainly did, he also doinked every one of them too behind her back.

I am not buying it, we all have boundaries and ogling other women, for me, is crossing just that.

All men look - not all men cheat. There's a world of difference between looking and fcuking.

In the OP's situation, her bf is going too far... it's disprespectful to focus more of his attention on a girl/group of girls than he does on her. But a quick glance or a comment is merely that - an appreciation of something beautiful.

bubblewrap

look, just don't fcuk (will say that to bf tonight!)

Yes OP's bf is well and truly out of order, switching seats etc...my bf would be out the door if he did that to me.