Are there women who look for "jerks"?

Lorrs33

Like another post here, I got this from Sex and the City. The episode discussed relationship patterns and some of the women dumped a really nice guy because they preferred men who treated them like dirt. Is this real, or is it just a stereotype created by American TV?

Nevyn

I don't think they know they are looking for jerks, I do think that they may have a screwed
up idea of what or how they are meant to be treated in a relationship due to their first relationship or how their parent's relationship was and end up not seeing how unhealthy
that pattern is and still try to recreate it.

Both men and women do that.

Wibbs

Plus "jerks" have some of the traits albeit badly expressed of actually emotionally strong, secure and high social value men. More than the "nice" guys anyway. If a woman, especially a younger woman has had little contact with an actually emotionally secure man, meets a jerk she may well mistake his BS for strength.

Its like the other thread here about male authority figures. They trigger these feelings. Even if they're not like that in reality.

It depends on the woman though. Some like to be the stronger, more dominant person in the relationship and quite a few men want to be the submissive one. I would say the woman is usually the more submissive, in the relationship at least. Not in the rest of her life though. I've known very powerful women in business, that were the submissive ones at home... well passive is a better word maybe.

Pyr0

I've heard a few stories of wimmen going after assh0les "because they're assholes", get treated like sh!t and begin to moan about it :rolleyes:

tangerinepuppet

I think most of us (or just the lucky ones?) see sense in the end. I have had enough of the massive A-holes and now I'm back with a lovely fella who treated me really well years ago.

star-pants

Thaed & Wibbs said it right.

Nearly all my relationships have been crappy - in the sense that I get mistreated & don't realise. My very first boyfriend cheated on me with two others and then got back with his ex and everyone knew (i got a call from mutual friend telling me) thus that was how I got broken up with. He didn't even speak to me. Granted I felt awful, but I think that set the basis for some of my future bfs, I'd always manage to make excuses, always be the one to make the effort etc. Thus when I got a decent bf I wasn't sure how to react, I felt like a princess at how I was being treated (normally!!). And I still always assume if something's wrong, that it's my fault. And I would find it hard to say a bad word about ex's.

I certainly don't go seeking bad guys - far from it, I just don't seem to have much luck.

Wibbs

Pyr0 wrote: »

I've heard a few stories of wimmen going after assh0les "because they're assholes", get treated like sh!t and begin to moan about it :rolleyes:

Funny I know what you mean. My take? Women in general, require more emotional stimulation than men(they tend to need more external social emotional stimulation than men too). If they don't get that emotional stimulation from a healthy source, they will replace that requirement with unhealthy stimulation, either from an outside source or from within. Something bad takes up the slack. Kinda similar to a drug abuser. If someone is not happy, they seek another source for that happiness, in that case drugs.

IMHO that's what is happening when men describe some women as wanting "drama". It's not that they want drama for the most part, but because of upbringing/previous relationships, they've not had good emotional stimulation, they may not know what the good stuff is, so they go for the approximate replacement. Then you get the attraction to bad boys, throw in that they look like strong men to inexperienced women and all bets are off. They'll do that in otherwise ok relationships if they feel the guys attention is slipping, or they feel they're not getting enough engagement from the guy. They'll go off on one, which has the double effect of stimulating themselves emotionally and getting his attention. Pretty much every so called "drama queen" I've known followed that general pattern.

star-pants wrote:

I certainly don't go seeking bad guys - far from it, I just don't seem to have much luck.

Maybe. Or there aren't that many actual good guys out there. Or maybe there are, but they're just not the right good guy for you. I know men who are good men and women who are good women, but I wouldnt pair them up as they wouldnt be good for each other. They would be ok, but wouldnt quite gel.

TBH, I'm glad I'm a bloke. I've met more ok enough women, than men. Emotionally I mean.

Elle Victorine

I don't think people go out of their way to find a**holes in a way. I think it's just sometimes what happens. I went out with guys who were all completely different and they ended up being a**holes and the most recent is amazing. Think Sh*t just happens sometimes.



That said I do know youngwans who seem to go out of their way to go for youngfellas who treat them baddly...and the same for my male friends.

jellie

i dont think there are women who consciously look for a**holes.

but i do think there are women who will look for someone/ANYone, and others that just want some drama.

then theres others who go out with what appear to be perfectly nice men but are really just a**holes pretending to be nice & dont reveal their a**holeness until its too late.

Latchy

You could also add the amount of single /married women who are in physical abusive realtionships with ' Jerks ' .Some continue with these men along the lines of '' I really love him , he will change ' then others have little choice and stay out of fear .The fear is also stronger if their are children involved and she has to depend on him for financial domestic security .

Nevyn

star-pants all of your exs are human, they are all flawed and have thier failings.
These things don't make them bad people just people.

tbh there is nothing more liberating then to be able to day out loud then the following
"at times [insert ex name] was a complete prick to me", seriously take a deep breath
and try it.

Because you break up cos the realtionship is broken and you know that being honest
with yourself helps the process and part of that is saying the above. Too many women
feel like it's totally thier fault when that is not the case. It takes two.

Just because your ex may have been at time a complete and utter prick doesn't mean
he is that way generally or will bet that way to someone else, it just mean that things
didn't work between you and a way could not be found to make them work.

Acknowledging that an ex was at times a complete prick means we are looking at
things which happened in the relationship so that we can guard against them the next
time around.

star-pants

Sorry I didn't mean to bad mouth them, they were all decent in their own way I know.

Nevyn

star-pants wrote: »

Sorry I didn't mean to bad mouth them, they were all decent in their own way I know.

It is not bad mouthing them it is being honest to yourself.
That is where the" at times" part comes in, bad mouthing
them would be saying that all the time they were pricks.

Which is never the case cos if it was we'd have dumped their asses long
ago and not have looked back and would not entertain any guilt or conflicted emotions what so ever.

The "to me" acknowledges that there were two of you in it and that
in the context of your romantic relationship ( which is a very, very different
one from the friendships he has with other people or any other romantic relationship he was in or will ever be in ) there were times he was a prick.

Salome

In my own experience, I have gone for some eejits in my time. Looking back at them, I chose these men because I knew the relationship wouldn't work out. I think I was subconciously chosing these men because I knew deep down, I wasn't capable of letting down some defences and letting someone into my life.

Then I seriously fell for someone, the whole shebang but he wasn't available to me.

I think that was a seismic event - I realised I wanted the whole relationship and everything that went with it. I think I just opened myself up to the possibility of a real and honest relationship and when a decent, lovely, wonderful man came along, I didn't sabotage it as I might have done in the past, I went with it - and it changed me.

I do believe that some women choose jerks as a self-defence mechanism to avoid the realities of a proper happy relationship but I think it's something that can be overcome when the woman is happy in her own skin.

Apologies for the Oprah-type babble but it's how it felt to me at the time!

Black Swan

Dating is to sort out the jerks, so that you don't get stuck with one.

RossFixxxed

Maybe because there isn't that fine a line between 'strong personality, confident and driven' and 'oblivious, self absorbed dick head'?

Also it's not 100% of these guys are total jerks, they may be very ill suited to their partner, or their partner may just bring out the worst in them. I know people who have that effect on me!

R

I think the comments about whether a fella is a jerk or just a jerk at times and in a particular relationship are fairly spot on.

We've all seen it happen where a fella seems to treat a girl like crap, then he has a wonderful relationship with the next gf. I used to think it was like they learned alot from their crap relationship and then went on to be the perfect bf in their next, but in reality it was probably alot to do with how the two people in the relationship reacted off each other. (if you get what I mean...)