Arguing

bubblewrap

Basically, because of the reasons in my other threads, me and my partner row a lot. He said I never stop nagging, I am always on his back, questioning everything, controlling him etc and I do agree....what I need to know is, how to stop this.

How can I chill out more?

I want us to get on like when we first met.

jim o doom

I have similar problems - but with temper instead of nagging - and also being a bit controlling - me, I just try to "mentally unclench" (fists not buttcheeks)

I mean the only one who can effect this change is yourself - so when you think you are being unreasonable - or even nagging - you just need to take a breath and tell yourself to let it go!

Other than that there's also therapy!

sammyv

I am in the exact same position, he has said this is the worst few months that he has ever gone through...as i am emotionally draining on him.

Every conversation we have, i turn it into about us

But i say if im that bad, leave me, we have no ties. And he says untrue...he loves me too much to leave. should this not be enough for me.

We are on a make or break week now

so i gotta keep my mouth shut

shellyboo

How do you stop nagging him and chill out more?

Um, chill out and stop nagging him. Like, when you nag him - don't. Just stop doing it. It really is that simple.

bubblewrap

I speak too soon though, before my brain engages. I just need to learn to control that but it is difficult.

He says everytime he says anything, I also turn it into us in a negative way. Like for example, "I will be working late tomorrow" he sometimes says, when he comes home I will ask him if he really was working or was he with a woman. No person needs that, especially when the ones who are always actually doing that get away with it.

If he is stressed over work or money, I think it is me and start asking him what I have done wrong, he wants his own space when he is stressed and to me I start thinking there is someone else on the scene because he won't go near me, but do you blame him? Me and my issues on top of his other stresses.

I actually feel quite sorry for him. I hope I am wrong in that he has been up to no good.

If he says he is inviting friends round, I get angry because I want it to be just us, I hate being like that. He pays half the rent, he should be able to make that decision, I am just selfish and possessive.

sammyv

Such simple advice, easier said then done. So far today, i've been good (cos we havent spoken yet )

Oh The Humanity

shellyboo wrote: »

How do you stop nagging him and chill out more?

Um, chill out and stop nagging him. Like, when you nag him - don't. Just stop doing it. It really is that simple.

+1

Nagging and whinging are BAD habits to get into. Like any bad habit you need to make a decision to stop and then stop.

If you find yourself slipping up, correct yourself and move on. If you are doing it automatically then you will need to employ willpower and ask you partner to prompt you if you slip up.

Nagging is lazy, its a way of tranferring your frustrations on to someone else. If something is bothering you, sort it out yourself. Life is hard work, get used to it.

If your nagging is emotionally draining other people it will eventually drive them away.

Its not something that just 'happens' that you cannot control, YOU are the only one who CAN control it. Take personal responsibilty and STOP.

I'd better stop now.....cos Im nagging!

bubblewrap

That is good nagging though, I need it!!

Orls, I am the same as you totally. I get so jealous of people with normal feelings and normal relationships.

I don't know why I am so low in confidence, even he said last night he is there by choice, why do I keep telling myself I am not good enough and he wants other girls? It is so silly but it is so hard to stop thinking that way.

I will have to think and take a deep breath if I feel myself about to nag. I need to speak positively but all I do is drag him down.

Has anyone any tips on things we could do together to bond again and have fun?

Drinking isn't a good idea, I am even worse on that!

shellyboo

Orls81 wrote: »

Such simple advice, easier said then done. So far today, i've been good (cos we havent spoken yet )

It's not easier said than done, because I've done it. Believe me... life is A MILLION times easier when you don't nag. Just chill the fcuk out. If you can't be civil to the person you're supposed to love, then what the hell hope is there?

We go through life being polite and civil to colleagues, family members, strangers, Gardai, bus drivers - every day, no matter how foul a mood we're in. To say you can't be the same way (polite, civil) with a partner is just a cop out.

Bubblewrap, if you find it hard to stop yourself, ask him to alert you to your behaviour. A simple "this is what I'm talking about" from him will make you realise what you're doing and stop. If needs be, leave the room, take a break for ten minutes, THINK about what's just happened and what you *really* want to say... often you'll realise you were totally overreacting, other times you'll realise that you ARE mad, but not about the thing he's just done/said, and other times you'll realise you're annoyed for good reason. Then you can go back and *calmly* explain what's wrong. No shouting, no tears, no anger. Just communication.

Nagging is not the way to solve problems in a relationship, it only creates more. So just... stop.

cantdecide

Tell your BF that he mustn't answer you when you nag. Add to that maybe apologizing when you do it. Diffuse it by removing the demand for an immediate answer and avoiding petty squabbling.

'were you really with another woman tonight?'
<just glares>
'okay, I'm sorry'

You must tell him that you're very insecure now and you know it's wrong and you won't keep doing it forever.

bubblewrap

cantdecide wrote: »

Tell your BF that he mustn't answer you when you nag. Add to that maybe apologizing when you do it. Diffuse it by removing the demand for an immediate answer and avoiding petty squabbling.

'were you really with another woman tonight?'
<just glares>
'okay, I'm sorry'

You must tell him that you're very insecure now and you know it's wrong and you won't keep doing it forever.

He does do the glare now and again because he is sick of answering the same questions. I told him he has a slight part to play in making me feel secure in the relationship, I know I am responsible for my actions and thoughts but a little support from him won't go amiss.

He needs to realise that I don't WANT to be like this and being shouted at for it doesn't help. But I do understand why he gets so angry, he has had it for the past 18 months.

sammyv

yes, its not like he is going to turn around and say, yes i was, and she was lovely!!

i really am gonna have to cop myself on.

Its ridiculous, its not like there is a gun be held to his head to stay with me....or you bubble!!!

bubblewrap

I know you are right, no man who wanted to stay with their gf would admit cheating so there is no point whatsoever in keep asking!!

It is more the thought of him with someone else that hurts me more than wondering if he actually has, if you get me...I keep imagining all sorts and it makes me sick!!

I do think sometimes though if I started to be extra nice and back to my old self, he would hopefully feel too guilty to do it, or keep it from me.

He is a nice lad but he has a past history of cheating on his ex but like I said on the other thread, they were together a lonnnnng time and I don't know what the relationship was like but still, no excuse to cheat!! He swears it was the end when it happened, they were living together but seperate if you get me then that was supposedly when it happened, they were technically together but not!

I don't know, it is all so confusing and also not my business so I need to look to the future.

cantdecide

Don't wait until that moment of jealousy to demand reassurances. I hope you've told him in the cold light of day that you need and will continue to need a lot of extra support and understanding...

I hope he acknowledges this. I especially hope he stops this shouting business though...

bubblewrap

cantdecide wrote: »

Don't wait until that moment of jealousy to demand reassurances. I hope you've told him in the cold light of day that you need and will continue to need a lot of extra support and understanding...

I hope he acknowledges this. I especially hope he stops this shouting business though...

He doesn't always shout, it is generally an exhausted 'please don't start'. He only shouts if I keep at it, I hate being like this.

I told him this morning in fact, if he makes me feel wanted (he hasn't at the moment because he is sick of me) then I will start feeling better about myself and the relationship and he agreed to this so the only thing is now, where do we start?

How can he make me feel better?
How can I make myself feel better?

We need to do more things together but I can't think what, I want to date him again.

cantdecide

bubblewrap wrote: »

He doesn't always shout, it is generally an exhausted 'please don't start'. He only shouts if I keep at it, I hate being like this.

I told him this morning in fact, if he makes me feel wanted (he hasn't at the moment because he is sick of me) then I will start feeling better about myself and the relationship and he agreed to this so the only thing is now, where do we start?

How can he make me feel better?
How can I make myself feel better?

We need to do more things together but I can't think what, I want to date him again.

Before I got to the end of that, I was thinking, 'they need a holiday together' and then you said it for me...

Sinall

Believing in yourself is easier said than done, I know! Maybe try to remember these things when you get the urge to nag/when you get paranoid:

• he is with you because he wants to be - nobody is forcing him
• you can appreciate that he is a nice person, try and realise that you are a nice person too

It sounds like it's low self-esteem, like you can't believe that deep down he wants to be with you. Honestly, if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be.

At the risk of sounding a bit "new-agey" - try some positive affirmations to improve your self confidence. A friend of mine swears by a book called Positive Visualization by Shakti Gawain.

bubblewrap

I would lovvvvvvvvvve a holiday, last year when we went away, we got on so well, it was lovely. We must just be caught up in the humdrum of life and we are taking it out on each other.

How can I be confident and interesting and show him I am all he needs?! I feel low and unworthy, it isn't right.

sammyv

Sinall wrote: »

Believing in yourself is easier said than done, I know! Maybe try to remember these things when you get the urge to nag/when you get paranoid:

• he is with you because he wants to be - nobody is forcing him
• you can appreciate that he is a nice person, try and realise that you are a nice person too

It sounds like it's low self-esteem, like you can't believe that deep down he wants to be with you. Honestly, if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be.

At the risk of sounding a bit "new-agey" - try some positive affirmations to improve your self confidence. A friend of mine swears by a book called Positive Visualization by Shakti Gawain.

Yes my boyfriend give me a sheet of positive affirmations before, i used them for a while, then stopped, but they worked when i did them properly. I might invest in that book.

bubblewrap

Sinall wrote: »

Believing in yourself is easier said than done, I know! Maybe try to remember these things when you get the urge to nag/when you get paranoid:

• he is with you because he wants to be - nobody is forcing him
• you can appreciate that he is a nice person, try and realise that you are a nice person too

It sounds like it's low self-esteem, like you can't believe that deep down he wants to be with you. Honestly, if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be.

At the risk of sounding a bit "new-agey" - try some positive affirmations to improve your self confidence. A friend of mine swears by a book called Positive Visualization by Shakti Gawain.

Thank you, he says all of the time, believe me if I didn't want to be here with you, I wouldn't be. I am spoiling what could be a brilliant relationship, I look back to who I was when we first started dating and I wish I was her again, so happy and laid back and confident.

I have been mostly single through my life so I guess I wasn't thinking it would add up to anything which may be why I wasn't so obsessive back then, now I don't want to lose the man I love to a dirty affair or ONS - all I want is for him to be faithful.

Sinall

It's good that you are aware that this is a problem and that you are willing to look for solutions - well done! It's a step in the right direction.

You need to change the way you think about yourself and then you will become more relaxed with him.

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

I do think sometimes though if I started to be extra nice and back to my old self, he would hopefully feel too guilty to do it, or keep it from me.

You've got sort of a point here, but you're still thinking about it arseways. Your self esteem is sh1t, to be perfectly honest.

Why do you think the only reason that your bf wouldn't cheat on you is out of guilt? You should really, really think more of him. He's not an animal, he can control his urges. You should really give him more credit than that.

But anyway... you do have a sort of point. What type of girl do you think a man would prefer to be with? A nagging, jealous, insecure one; or a trusting, happy-go-lucky, confident one? By nagging him, you are making yourself an undesirable partner. You're pushing him away. You're cutting your own nose off to spite your face.

You need to work on being the best gf you can be, and stop worrying about FORCING your bf into being a good bf. You can't do that, all you can control is how you act. And when you're being the perfect gf, he has no excuse not to be the perfect bf. He won't have any complaints, any reason to go elsewhere. Beyond that, there is NOTHING you can do. Nothing. Do you realise that?

bubblewrap wrote: »

I told him this morning in fact, if he makes me feel wanted (he hasn't at the moment because he is sick of me) then I will start feeling better about myself and the relationship and he agreed to this so the only thing is now, where do we start?

How can he make me feel better?
How can I make myself feel better?

You can't foist the responsibilty of making you feel good on your bf. Your self-esteem is your own responsibility, I'm afraid. You can't blame him because you're insecure, he didn't cause it and it's not his issue... it's your issue.

So him being more attentive, while it will of course be nice, it won't fix your thought process. You have to do that.

As for making yourself feel better... I guess you need to sit down and think about things that you like about yourself. A list of your good points. Ditch any false modesty, if you know you're pretty then accept that. Funny, clever, honest, loving... all good points that could apply to your personality. Think about the things that make you a good catch, that make your partner WANT to be with you - and start to eliminate the things that would make your partner not want to be with you.

Other people have nothing to do with it, you can't worry about the actions of others - all you can control is YOU. Once you accept that, you'll be a lot more content.

cantdecide

bubblewrap wrote: »

I would lovvvvvvvvvve a holiday, last year when we went away, we got on so well, it was lovely. We must just be caught up in the humdrum of life and we are taking it out on each other.

How can I be confident and interesting and show him I am all he needs?! I feel low and unworthy, it isn't right.

You are all he needs by the sound of it and you are interesting but in your own head, you can be absolutely nothing without confidence and self esteem.

I think I've told you in another thread that every morning when you get out of bed, you must say to yourself 'I'm a happy, contented and confident person' and eventually, you'll realise it's true. I still do it.

bubblewrap

Thank you all so much, you know this is probably the best forum I have ever used. Apart from reading the odd thread about how clever some men think cheating is, I have enjoyed it here and have had some excellent advice!

Thank you so much. I am going to re-read all of these replies until it sinks in!!

I know I need to work on myself and I do have good points, I am very good looking (so I am told), I am very loving and thoughtful, honest, faithful, caring, intelligent, it is all good written down but my brain just doesn't want me to believe it!

sammyv

try the positive affirmations....google them, and it will bring up lots of helpful links.

I am going to start these again. Nothing to loose...everything to gain

bubblewrap

I will try that too!

I can't understand after all the crap he went through (all his exes slept with his best mate!!) and he trusts me 100%. He has reason to but why can't I be relaxed like him?

Sinall

Orls81 wrote: »

try the positive affirmations....google them, and it will bring up lots of helpful links.

I am going to start these again. Nothing to loose...everything to gain

+1

Hope it goes well for you!

cantdecide

bubblewrap wrote: »

why can't I be relaxed like him?

Do you feel like he's too good for you?

bubblewrap

No not at all, I just think there are too many women out there who look good and may catch his eye.

I should give him more credit, there is always going to be temptation but it is out of my control whether he gives into it.

sammyv

Exactly, i spoke to alot of my friends about this, some with boyfriends, and some with husbands.

Each of them said they can never say for certain that their partner will not cheat on them, but they have to put it out of their minds, or it would destroy them. If someone will cheat, they will cheat, nobody can do anything to stop them.

One of them said they were 100% sure their partner would never cheat. she found out he did last week :eek: egg on her face.

So we should just enjoy what we have, if they cheat, well so be it. But lets not make it our fault by nagging and moaning and ruining what we have, and making our b'f's so miserable.

I love him, he loves me, im with him, he's with me...end of story.

By the way people....im brilliant, and he so lucky to have me..so there :P



(did that sound convincing )

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

No not at all, I just think there are too many women out there who look good and may catch his eye.

I should give him more credit, there is always going to be temptation but it is out of my control whether he gives into it.

You really *do* need to give him more credit. Pet, you're probably gorgeous. Look at it this way - I'm a big girl, far from what anyone could call conventionally attractive - most girls who walk down the street are probably better looking than me. That's not modesty, that's a fact. But I *know* my bf is not going to cheat on me, because first of all, he's not like that, he's a good guy. Second of all, why would he?! He has me! He liked me enough to go out with me in the first place, he's clearly into me... why cheat?!

You have to realise that all this worry is really just in your head. And I know how you feel, you like him SO much that you're scared you're going to lose him... but in order to prevent that you need to stop worrying about other women and start working on the things you can control.

cantdecide

Do you know why it's a fixation on him cheating?? You sound so well balanced otherwise. Knowing how much it p's him off, I think it might be a sub conscious attempt to sabotage yourself and the relationship?? (I've seen it a lot). If he reassured you often, could you see yourself finding another way of nagging him?

bubblewrap

Oh yeah, once we rectify one situation I will always find something else, it is a nasty obsession and neither of us deserve it because we would get on so well if it wasn't for these issues.

I think I need to strike a balance between being insecure and too complacent (me? yeah right! :pac:) because being complacent can also cause it as it makes you lazy. Like Orls friend saying her man would never cheat, then he did. She must have thought she could possibly get away with things (not neccessarily bad stuff though) because 'he would never cheat' (I don't mean that in a bad way Orls, just a possibility).

Think I am rambling now. Yes apart from my nagging and jealousy, he does love me and feels lucky to have me (or probably at least he did!)

sammyv

maybe some people were just born naggers!!!

I wonder alot of the time if im such a nag, and moaner and love to argue, why is he with me.
But then he tells me, cos you are brilliant, and fun, and caring, and understanding, and gorgeous and fit. He says im always there for him, always looking out for him, and he knows no matter how crap his life gets, i'll be there to comfort him and give him hugs and love. He says overall im a really really nice special person.


So i suppose i am brillaint.

and bubblewrap im sure your boyfriends thinks the exact same.

bubblewrap

Aaah thanks, he does think I am brilliant when I am in nice mode so I need to keep it up. Cheating should be the last of my worries, I am hurting someone I love by being horrible and there is no need. If he cheats, its done. At the moment it is guilty until proven innocent but it is a very destructive way of thinking, one that will never end...until it is too late and he walks.

I feel stuck in this, I need medical help!

Sephiroth_dude

I only had quick glance through the thread op,but what makes you think hes cheating?Is he acting odd or what?

wicklori

Bubblewrap... I am not trying to be at all smart, I really mean the next statement... I think it might be really worthwhile for you to think about counselling for yourself.
I have been reading your posts recently and it is clear to me that you are feeling pretty troubled. It feels like you get advice on one issue here and that no sooner puts your mind at ease than something else rears it's ugly head to torment you.
You would not believe the difference 5/10 sessions of counselling would make to your peace of mind.
I'm not saying this as any form of negative judgement. I know what it's like to be worrying about every single thing about your relationship all of the time. It's soul destroying, and believe me, counselling really helps-provided you commit to it and find a counsellor you can build a good working relationship with.

bubblewrap

Thanks, I may just do that - this is what my mind is like, one thing gets sorted then I am looking for something else to worry about.

No he isn't acting odd or anything, he is pretty open with stuff although he now says he has to be careful what he says to prevent me kicking off (I do kick off over slight things sometimes) so I need to prove to him I am cool and calm.

Counselling does sound good, I have also been looking into hypnotherapy but not sure if that would be successful.

wicklori

Wouldn't be a big advocate of hypnotherapy to be honest. Maybe try good old talk-therapy first?

bubblewrap

Yeah I guess you are right, hypno can be pricey.

I tend to place my happiness on him, like if he sends a text which comes across a bit arsey, I get upset then when he calls I realise I took it out of context and all is well again. I am sick of being like this.

wicklori

Lookit don't be beating yourself up! At the end of the day, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be. He knows and loves you for the person you are.
The way you are describing your thoughts are liked up with insecurity and a lack of self-esteem. These are terms people bandy about all the time, but they are really common and totally fixable!
Even doing some talking to yourself in the mirror can help a little-you are a good person who deserves to be happy-now go convince yourself!
You deserve this relationship, and him... Sounds like wishy-washy pop psychology but try it!

bubblewrap

Thank you!

I am going to do my best, it is so hard but I will get there. I have already put my phone away because usually I have it on my desk waiting for a text off him but I am being strong - a small thing but I feel better for it.

I find it hard though if he says he is going out somewhere, I always react badly then regret it. I want to just be cool with it and say, oh ok, just don't stay out too late etc instead of going in a sulk thinking he is meeting other women. :rolleyes:

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

I find it hard though if he says he is going out somewhere, I always react badly then regret it. I want to just be cool with it and say, oh ok, just don't stay out too late etc instead of going in a sulk thinking he is meeting other women. :rolleyes:

So, BE cool with it. DON'T go into a sulk. You're not going to just magically stop feeling the way you do, you have to work really hard and force yourself to not be so accusative.

So the next time he says he's going out, think of this thread. Don't go into a sulk. And if you do go into a sulk, don't beat yourself up. When you realise you were being silly, send him a text saying "I'm sorry I got annoyed, I was being irrational, have a good time and I'll see you later."

You have to work at changing your behaviour, it won't just happen on its own. And I know it seems totally impossible right now, but just take little steps.

sammyv

But do you not think that he should maybe start going out less, if he knows what way she feels about it?

Im not saying totally not go out, everyone needs their own space and time...but for the time being, maybe just cut it out, until things get a bit more normal?

shellyboo

Orls81 wrote: »

But do you not think that he should maybe start going out less, if he knows what way she feels about it?

Im not saying totally not go out, everyone needs their own space and time...but for the time being, maybe just cut it out, until things get a bit more normal?

That depends on how often he's going out, really. If it's a normal amount and it's innocent, why should he stop? Just because she feels bad about it doesn't mean he should stop doing it, to be fair. He's really not doing anything wrong.

This issue is not her bf's fault and he shouldn't be being punished for it.

bubblewrap

He goes out once or twice a week really, mainly after work drinks or visiting friends. Don't get me wrong, he does take me out - we go for drinks quite a lot but with my frame of mind, once a week without me is more than enough! I know that is unrealistic and I do agree with Orls, for the time being, he should be making an effort to make me feel 'safe' and not purposely going out just because he fancies it and his mates want to go out. I think until I feel normal, I should be number one.

Is that me being selfish or does it sound ok?

I don't expect him to stay in with me all of the time but at the moment, I feel fragile.

Das Kitty

bubblewrap bubblewrap bubblewrap.

Going on your numerous posts recently I can really tell that you have self esteem issues. Even here you thank those who are hardest on you, you think you deserve the harshest response.

I don't think your boyfriend can fix this issue, you need to get your head sorted out.

You need to get to a place where you feel you deserve to be happy, that your other half is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him.

You are a person who is worth something missus!

The nagging stems from you feeling crap about yourself, simple as that. If you start to love yourself a bit more you won't nag anymore.

bubblewrap

Interesting, I never saw nagging being that, just thought it was because men are frustrating!

One thing I do need to stop doing is thinking I am right all of the time, that makes things 10 times worse.

You know, I always knew I had low confidence but this is bordering on self hatred and I have no idea why, it must be deep rooted because on the surface I don't particularly dislike myself.

I am all so confused with everything.

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

He goes out once or twice a week really, mainly after work drinks or visiting friends. Don't get me wrong, he does take me out - we go for drinks quite a lot but with my frame of mind, once a week without me is more than enough! I know that is unrealistic and I do agree with Orls, for the time being, he should be making an effort to make me feel 'safe' and not purposely going out just because he fancies it and his mates want to go out. I think until I feel normal, I should be number one.

Is that me being selfish or does it sound ok?

I don't expect him to stay in with me all of the time but at the moment, I feel fragile.

It's a bit selfish, pet. Once or twice a week is nothing really. As for him staying in with you until you feel better... there's nothing actually "wrong" with you, you're not sick or anything... you're just feeling insecure. He shouldn't have to curtail his social life to mollycoddle you when you're feeling fragile... because, by the sounds of it, you feel that way almost all the time. He'd never get to go out if you had your way.

Think about it the other way around... what if he told you he didn't want you going out without him because he didn't want you talking to men?! You'd be furious! Everyone would be in here abusing the fella for being too controlling of you.

Everybody in the whole world feels insecure, everybody has the same fears as you... you just need to learn to deal with them better. Counselling would be a great idea - and not hypnotherapy. There's no quick fix for this, you need to overcome it yourself, in your own head.

Great post by Das Kitty above, as well. Good advice there.

bubblewrap

I am a bit selfish aren't I? I can handle the after work drinks where he is out a few hours but I don't think I could handle a full blown night out - I would be worried sick, you know what it is like in clubs. I constantly worry in case someone invites him to a club or something. This is no way to live.

Even now he says he is visiting his mum and dad after work and I am there worrying that it may be something else.

I am definately getting help, I can't live like this.

sammyv

well my b'f goes out every weekend that we are apart, which is 1-2 times per month. Proper full blown sat night out on the town with his boys.
sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesnt. if he is with his friends that have partners, then i dont really pass any remarks.

He doesnt go out during the week, and we always go out together when im there, or he is here. so 1-2 sat nights per month...ok or not?

I cant tell him to stop, cos im not a total control freak. When we live together he will be cutting it down to 1 night per week, which is ok.

He's a big child actually, i see what he's like when he is with his mates, i think women would only put a dampner on their childish fun and revelry!!