Am I spoiled?

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time poster going unregged.

A couple of weeks ago my car failed the NCT. I shopped around for ages to get the best quote and finally decided on a place that would do it for about €200. My parents are divorced and I rang my Dad about this. I explained that my hours had been cut back in work and I was really struggling so would he mind paying half. He didn't hesitate to agree and told me to book my car in and get it done, and he'd pay me on Monday. So that's what I did. It left me extremely broke, but I knew it was only for a couple of days. Monday came and went, as did Tuesday. I texted Dad today, even though I felt really guilty about doing so, and asked if he was still putting money in my account. He replied that he needed to get past Valentines (he has a girlfriend) and would see how his finances were then, but he would try and give me €20/30 then.

I didn't know what to say to him, I feel this is so unfair. After my car failed my NCT I knew I couldn't afford the repairs so I decided I would drive it until the NCT disc ran out and then I would start to get the bus but Dad told me that was stupid and he would help me pay. The only reason I got the repairs done was because he told me he would give me the money on Monday.

As mentioned my parents are divorced. As a child my parents were in and out of court as Dad wouldn't pay the £10 maintenance a week he was ordered to. Eventually Mum said she would leave him alone if he gave me €50 a week while I was in college. He did for 3 months and then nothing. I asked him to pay my insurance on my car instead which is €60 a month which he does, but I often have to hunt him down for it, letting my account go overdrawn. I have been working since I was 15 and have never taken a cent off my Mum while in college. Recently I had to sell a load of my possessions just to be able to buy food and I did so without complaint. I decided to go to college so I will be responsible for it.

And yet even though I pay my own way I feel so guilty at being angry at Dad for not helping me out with the car. I know I was the one who bought the car but he was never given Mum regular support so I think it's only fair that when I'm really stuck I turn to him. If he can afford to go off galavanting with his girlfriend a few times a week then he can afford to support his children. I have two other sisters who get nothing from him and they encourage me to ask him for money, but I feel spoiled for being annoyed when I don't get what I ask for. Am I wrong?

MJOR

I think you need to stand on your own two feet and stop looking for handouts. You are an adult and responsible for yourself.

smileysurfer

Hes your father and if your in trouble financially or struggling to get by during college then its only right that your parents support you when possible. I wouldnt feel guilty about it, you seem to be under strain because of this which isnt fair on you.And its not like your spoilt at all, and its also not like your asking for loads of ''handouts'' for unnecessary things, I presume you need your car to get to and from college.
Maybe If you speak to your parents openly about the pressure you are under and then together ye can find ways to overcome it.
Good luck

shellyboo

spoilt09 wrote: »

I feel spoiled for being annoyed when I don't get what I ask for. Am I wrong?

It's your car, you incur the costs for repairs, you shouldn't have asked your Dad for the money, you have no right to be put out that he doesn't have it. If you are an adult - and since you're driving a car I presume you are - your Dad is not obliged to support you anymore. As for promising it and then backing out - maybe he thought he did and when he looked, he didn't.

You've been left short €100, I dunno how you're going to make that up... I guess you'll have to cut back on something else this month.

John Mason

You obvisiously cant afford the car and are living completely outside your means.

get rid of the car, reign your spending in and learn to stand on your own two feet. you sound like a typical celtic cub IMO

EskimoErased

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

You obvisiously cant afford the car and are living completely outside your means.

get rid of the car, reign your spending in and learn to stand on your own two feet. you sound like a typical celtic cub IMO

+1

00112984

Rule of thumb, anyone who asks the "am I, like, spoiled or something?!" question usually is.

Seriously, you have a car you can't afford and that's nothing to do with your parents. Take responsibility for it yourself.

Ainm

I disagree with the others, you were willing to get rid of the car til your Dad said he'd have no problem giving you half. You don't sound a bit spoiled imo. Selling your possessions for food money instead of asking for a handout from your Mam? Fair play to you!

Although having said that, all the previous stuff with your Dad means you maybe shouldn't have been so quick to believe that you'd have the money by Monday.

Wagon

I don't think you're spoiled, but I also think you are living beyond your means. I also think your dad is only responsable to help out until you're only 18 and then you're more on your own, but having said that I've never been in your situation so I can't really call.

My advice is that he's proven he's unreliable with money to your whole family. So don't rely on him at all. It's not that he's scabby but he seems to only think of himself. You can't depend on someone like that financially so I wouldn't be looking at him as an option if your hands are tied. do you really need the car? Are you a commuter?

cantdecide

I've seen my folks help out my sister through most of her twenties as she's been taking her education further and further. However, they are not obliged to and both parties know this. If your dad behaves like a deadbeat, he probably is and you can't legislate for that other than not finding yourself reliant on him financially.

If your finances are that finely tuned that some routine car maintenance knocks you into the red, you're definitely living beyond your means. Get a cheaper car is always a very good option. You can get brilliant cars for €500 if you can insure 1.6/1.8s...(and btw, if your car is taxed, insured, in good working order with wheel trims and the like and kept clean, you won't have any problems driving without an NCT but I'm not advising that you do this....)

littlebitdull

I am going to slightly disagree. Your father said he would help you out, he said he would do something for you. In fact as you say yourself he talked you into spending your money.

So no I dont think your wrong to feel let down by your father. I know that even now - and I am in my 40's - if I asked my dad for a hand about something, and he promised he would do it - then he didn't or half-arsed did it - I would feel let down.

Ask him again. Remind him he siad he would do it.

Perhaps learn not to rely on him again - which is really sad when you think of it. After all we should be able to lean on our parents for support, and we should be able to trust them when they say they will give it to us.

As for what to do now to get past this ... would you get any return on your money if you sold the car? Sit down and work out if you would be better able to manage your money without it, after all bus tickets etc are going to cost money anyway. And there is nothing like the convience of the car at the end of the day. But only you can make that decision really.

Lollipops23

i'd be pissed off, but only because he went back on his word.if he promised you money then he should have given it to you. However, a car is a hige financial responsiblity and you should never get one without being able to run it.TBH your dad sounds like a tight git, refusing to support his kids, but the car is your responsibilty,not his.

username123

Op - you need to grow up.

You are financially responsible for your car - not your father.

Your father has proven to be unreliable in the past about money - so stop asking him for money then you wont be disappointed anymore.

Im amazed that youd ask someone who has clearly been useless about it in the past!!!

Initially I was thinking 'hmmmm...he did let OP down' - but then after reading that he has a history of letting you down as regards money (or making it a big hassle to get it off him).

So he doesnt support you - it happens. You are an adult with the means to support yourself.

I dont even think its a matter of being spoiled, its more a matter of realising that you are actually responsible for yourself in this life.

davyjose

Anyone who says you need to stand on your own two feet etc. etc., is missing the point entirely.
Ok, so maybe you have no right to be angry with your Dad over this single event, but you DO have a right to be angry at him for being a deadbeat father. I can entirely understand you having a "last straw" feeling towards him over this.
You need to seperate your overall feelings about how unfair he has been to you from this one event though. This, on it's own might look petty. If you are going to confront him you need to let him know how he has treated you in general.
But don't feel guilty, because I don't think your anger is stemming from him not giving you a lousy 100quid - it goes deeper than that IMO.

MJOR

If you have a car you have to run it simple as. I wish I had a car at 18. But i saved til i was 23 and taxed and insured and NCT'd it myself. You have to liive within your means. I understand your frustration but you are an adult and have to stand on your own two feet. Your Dad has his own life to run and we are in recession

paperclip2

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

You obvisiously cant afford the car and are living completely outside your means.

get rid of the car, reign your spending in and learn to stand on your own two feet. you sound like a typical celtic cub IMO

If shes living down the country then the reality is that she probably needs a car to get to work. Public transport is neither cheap or abundant down here.

Her hours have been cut back, so shes having to accomodate a reduced income. It can take a couple of weeks while you adjust your budget and as I know only too well cars dont time their breakdowns or neccessary maintenence to coincide with your cash-flow! She also shopped around to get the best value on the repairs.

She hasn't gone whinging to the mother who raised her but has already taken some pretty drastic action to meet her expenses in selling some of her stuff. As a parent I would much rather my kids came to me for help in these circumstances rather than trying to go it alone so drastically, if I have it to give, I'd give it. While you may see parental responsibilities ending at the age of 18, the reality is that if you care about someone then that can be motivation enough to help them out no matter the age. :rolleyes:

Yeah, her dads a lost cause and maybe she should have looked at his past history before trusting him, but sometimes its not about the money. Its about being cared for by someone who should care for you.

Best of luck OP. For the record, on the face of what you wrote in your opening post, you dont sound spoilt to me.

prentice

Im sorry but you sold some of your possesions to pay for food and you still have a car?

A car is not a congenital right.. Its a luxury which you clearly cant afford.

You are an adult. You have to take the hard measures to support yourself.

MagicMarker

If you had of said ''I asked my dad to pay half AS A LOAN'' i would have said you're not spoiled.

He's already paying your car insurance ffs.

dsg

Well if you had said "Dad paid for everything for me that I wanted as I was growing up, I got whatever I asked for, I always had lots of money and more than anyone else i know".......then maybe, just maybe, yes you are spoiled.

But you didn't say that, you explained the past and present financial situation with your father, so you obviously know what he's like with money, that he's maybe not very reliable (€50 per week promised and didn't materialise)......and yet you're still surprised that he didn't come through for you!

Pet, you can't afford to live the way you're living. You can't sell possessions to buy food, say nothing to your mum, your sisters, and yet hang on to a car that you so obviously can't afford and expect to get sympathy, instead of constructive advice, when "Daddy" doesn't come up trumps with €100.

Listen, we're all in a heap financially at the moment, we can sympathise with that, but you're not helping yourself. Take control of your situation. Write a list of income and expenditure.....you will probably see you can't afford certain things and need to downsize, college may be one of those things, probably the car, maybe rent.....but you need to eat!!!

Take control of your own life, don't rely on others for financial support. I wish you luck and I hope that you sort yourself out soon before this becomes a habit that proves too hard to break when you finish college and get out into the big bad world properly.

Beruthiel

Speaking as a parent, if you wish to own a car then you are the one who runs it.
There's no way in hell I'd help my daughter run a car.
I bought my first car 3 years ago. Before that I owned a motorbike for 10 years. Before that I cycled everywhere. Before that I used the bus.

Live within your means and sell the car.

paperclip2

prentice wrote: »

Im sorry but you sold some of your possesions to pay for food and you still have a car?

A car is not a congenital right.. Its a luxury which you clearly cant afford.

You are an adult. You have to take the hard measures to support yourself.

Shes worked since the age of 15. Shes putting herself through college. :rolleyes:
A car may not be a right but in parts of this country its a bloody neccessity!

If he didnt have to money to give for the car repairs, fair enough, all she did was ask, all he had to say was 'I'm sorry love, I'm really skint this month, I just can't', end of. But he said yes, led her on and dropped her in it.

Also speaking as a parent I would at least hope my kids would feel secure enough to ask me for a favour so I would at least have the option of helping them out if I could or if it was appropriate.

MagicMarker

paperclip2 wrote: »

A car may not be a right but in parts of this country its a bloody neccessity!

She already said in her first post that she could have got the bus.

beth-lou

Are you spoiled? No, definitely not.

Are you naive with regards to your father? Yes, absolutely, but it's understandable. Even though a parent has proved themselves to be unreliable, we still put faith in their promises. Ok so, it's your car, and perhaps you should be responsible for it's running costs, but you probably bought the car on the understanding that he would pay your insurance. This is perfectly acceptable for a parent to do, if they are in a position to do so, to help you get through college. If you had asked your father to help with repair costs and you were on here bitching and moaning that he refused to help then I would consider you to be expecting something that isn't due to you. However, you asked him for help, and he offered it, as a result of which you proceeded. He shouldn't have let you down.

Are you in a finacial rut? Yes, and you have to figure out a way out of it. It sounds as though you can't afford to run the car and maybe you should consider giving it up until you are in a better financial situation. Is there any other way to get to work or college?

I do admire your independence and reluctance to ask your mother for help. I completely understand your position with regards to your father, although I would advise that he has always let you down and will always let you down.

Best of luck in figuring out your options, I hope it all works out.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh on you. It sounds like you had to do a lot of growing up earlier than some people. It sounds like your dad never really was too bothered in supporting you. I think he owes you that much- that now when you do need his help, that he should give it to you if he says he will, especially if the requests aren't frequent. He went back on his word, and chose to buy his girlfriend gifts for some consumer hallmark holiday instead. I'd be well pissed off.

paperclip2

MagicMarker wrote: »

She already said in her first post that she could have got the bus.

Thats fair enough, but theres nothing in that to prevent her from asking her father for help. Her asking doesn't put him under an obligation to say yes.
What I find quite strange and slightly sad is the level of spleen directed at the OP for daring to ask her dad for assistance despite the fact that shes pretty much going it alone in the money stakes and has done for quite a while.

John Mason

beth-lou wrote: »

. This is perfectly acceptable for a parent to do, if they are in a position to do so, to help you get through college.

seriously :eek: my parents have some explaining to do then.

lets see, i put myself through college when i was 17 and am in the process of putting myself through a second time at the moment

i didnt get my first car until i was 30 cos i couldnt afford one

so that means my parents owe me 4 years car insurance and money towards both of my stints in college (would they also owe me money towards the purchase of my house - do you think)

HAPPY DAYS

beth-lou

Blue Peter badge on the way to you.

I'm 35 and still don't have a car, that's of no relevance here.

As I said if they are in a position to and it was offered which it was, then great.
He hasn't supported er in any other way throughout her childhood, so €60 towards car insurance to help her out is a nice gesture, but falls way short of his responsibilities as a father.

Did your father support you when you were growing up, put food on the table, pay the mortgage. Situations differ.

Maybe he wanted to do this out some sort of delayed guilt or whatever.
The point is, he agreed to something, which she acted on because of his agreement and then he backed out. He is in the wrong in this particular situation. The rest of it, well he's been an asshole toher and her sisters most of their lives and hasn't spolit them a bit. In fact I would say he has neglected his parental responsibilities overall. So I would have to argue that on the whole, she ain't spoilt. And in every other way is a pretty independent young woman.

paperclip2

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

seriously :eek: my parents have some explaining to do then.

lets see, i put myself through college when i was 17 and am in the process of putting myself through a second time at the moment

i didnt get my first car until i was 30 cos i couldnt afford one

so that means my parents owe me 4 years car insurance and money towards both of my stints in college (would they also owe me money towards the purchase of my house - do you think)

HAPPY DAYS

If you chose not to ask for help and, more to the point, if your parents chose not to offer it is a matter between you and them, not every family operates in the same way.

Lots of people are self supporting from a young age. I stopped relying on my parents at 17 and also put myself through college. My first car came at 26, my house at 29 and, as Beyonce says 'I bought it'.

True, no-one is owed anything, but that doesn't mean you dont retain the right to ask for help from your nearest and dearest. They retain the right to help or not.
I made sacrifices to get where I am today, some of them are ones that I dont want my children to have to make if I can help it. Thats my choice as their mother.

Lollipops23

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

seriously :eek: my parents have some explaining to do then.

lets see, i put myself through college when i was 17 and am in the process of putting myself through a second time at the moment

i didnt get my first car until i was 30 cos i couldnt afford one

so that means my parents owe me 4 years car insurance and money towards both of my stints in college (would they also owe me money towards the purchase of my house - do you think)

HAPPY DAYS

she said it was acceptable, not expected. if a parent is not in the position to help out the no one expects them to fork out,but they are allowed,if they feel they can and want to, to help out their kid if they're in financial trouble.

shellyboo

paperclip2 wrote: »

What I find quite strange and slightly sad is the level of spleen directed at the OP for daring to ask her dad for assistance despite the fact that shes pretty much going it alone in the money stakes and has done for quite a while.

It's less the asking and more the expectation. I'd most certainly ask my parents for money if I was truly stuck, but I wouldn't have a tantrum if they didn't have it to give to me. I wouldn't expect it as my due - which she seems to. I put myself through college and everything as well, I asked my parents for handouts for rent, food... but if they didn't have it, they didn't have it. It was koka noodles for a month and no going out so that I could cover said rent. End of.

The problem here is that your dad went back on his word. That is one thing I cannot STAND people doing. If you promise someone money, you should follow through. If your father didn't have the money, he should have just said no.

A car is not a congenital right.. Its a luxury which you clearly cant afford.

Hmm let me guess, do you live in a city? If I end up moving back in with my parents, a car would be a necessity as we have no public transport and it'd be 20-30 km at least to go to work. Cars aren't a luxury if you live in the middle of nowhere.

beth-lou

Are people reading a different thread to me?
She asked him for help and he agreed.
She is annoyed because he promised the money and on that promise she proceeded. He now offers a third of what he offered.
Had he not offered she wouldn't have proceeded.
Please read it again.

paperclip2

shellyboo wrote: »

It's less the asking and more the expectation. I'd most certainly ask my parents for money if I was truly stuck, but I wouldn't have a tantrum if they didn't have it to give to me. I wouldn't expect it as my due - which she seems to. I put myself through college and everything as well, I asked my parents for handouts for rent, food... but if they didn't have it, they didn't have it. It was koka noodles for a month and no going out so that I could cover said rent. End of.

Maybe I'm missing something but I sure as heck didnt get a sense of entitlement in the OP's post. Hurt, frustration, anger, yeah. But given the situation and past history thats kind of understandable. I do get a sense, though that shes no stranger to Koka noodles herself. But maybe thats just my personal interpretation of what and how she wrote....;)

metaoblivia

shellyboo wrote: »

It's less the asking and more the expectation. I'd most certainly ask my parents for money if I was truly stuck, but I wouldn't have a tantrum if they didn't have it to give to me. I wouldn't expect it as my due - which she seems to. I put myself through college and everything as well, I asked my parents for handouts for rent, food... but if they didn't have it, they didn't have it. It was koka noodles for a month and no going out so that I could cover said rent. End of.

And if the OP had asked for the money and the dad had said no up front, I would agree with you. But the dad said he would help, told her to get the car fixed and he would have the money to her in a few days. Then he changed his mind. In that instance, I would be a bit angry with my dad too.
I don't think you're spoiled, OP, but I do think you should spend more of your time figuring out your financial situation. Your father agreed to help you, then backed out putting you in a tight situation. That's not cool. But there's nothing you can do about your dad, aside from complain, which isn't high on the list of productivity. Crunch the numbers, see what you need to do to live within your means and change your lifestyle accordingly. That way, you won't be put in the position of asking others for assistance.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.

A lot of people keep saying to me that I'm living beyond my means and should get rid of the car. I think only one person was actually realised that I said I would get rid of the car and get the bus and my Dad turned around and said that no way would I do that because he would pay half. He actually offered to pay the full amount but I only asked for half.

I was fully prepared to stop using the car until he told me not to, you seem to be happily ignoring that.

As for living beyond my means, I'm earning circa €60 a week. I'm in college, I can only work part-time. I could work weekends but I'm in my final 4 months. Let's be reasonable here; I'm not going to work so much that my academic work suffers. I have been looking for other jobs with more hours but no luck so far. So what exactly should I do to control my spending? I never go out drinking and at weekends I sit in rather than go out. Should I just stop eating? I really don't know what else I can do. I spend €20 on petrol, a bus ticket to and from college costs the same. I spent €20 or less on food and put the rest off the €12000 loans I have had to take out to pay for books and rent.

Before you ask how I have so much debt, I don't get a grant and I genuinely have not taken a cent off Mum or Dad except the €60 a month I get for insurance. I have to take a €3000 each college year to cover rent/books/bills and €3000 X 4 years + insurance = a lot of debt.

McCABE1

OP have to disagree with some posters here. Your dad it seems never really cared enough for you financially. While I'm sure he loves you and is a good dad in other ways, parting with the cold hard cash was never his top priority, which unfortunately meant you lacked in certain areas throughout your life. You are not, and do not come across as spoiled. If you love somebody, you help them out, even if leaves you short. There are certain people in my life that I would do this for and family comes top of the list. He's your dad for heaven's sake, you needed the money and he agreed to give it to you. He got off so light with you during your childhood that I think you have every right to turn to him when you need help when you're an adult. Plus as was said earlier, he let you down and went back on his word. I dont consider that a good quality in a father.

paperclip2

OP- have you tried the student support fund in college. They might be able to get you over the hump.

beth-lou

spoilt09 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far.

A lot of people keep saying to me that I'm living beyond my means and should get rid of the car. I think only one person was actually realised that I said I would get rid of the car and get the bus and my Dad turned around and said that no way would I do that because he would pay half. He actually offered to pay the full amount but I only asked for half.

I was fully prepared to stop using the car until he told me not to, you seem to be happily ignoring that.

As for living beyond my means, I'm earning circa €60 a week. I'm in college, I can only work part-time. I could work weekends but I'm in my final 4 months. Let's be reasonable here; I'm not going to work so much that my academic work suffers. I have been looking for other jobs with more hours but no luck so far. So what exactly should I do to control my spending? I never go out drinking and at weekends I sit in rather than go out. Should I just stop eating? I really don't know what else I can do. I spend €20 on petrol, a bus ticket to and from college costs the same. I spent €20 or less on food and put the rest off the €12000 loans I have had to take out to pay for books and rent.

Before you ask how I have so much debt, I don't get a grant and I genuinely have not taken a cent off Mum or Dad except the €60 a month I get for insurance. I have to take a €3000 each college year to cover rent/books/bills and €3000 X 4 years + insurance = a lot of debt.

I think you are doing a pretty incredible job at juggling so little. Jesus, everything is so much more expensive now than it was when I went to college.

I don't know what advice to give you, other than to give yourself a big pat on the back for all your efforts so far. You are doing so well on a tiny budget.
Maybe explain the situation better to your Dad and ask him canhe give to you as a loan, or ask your Mam for €50 and him for €50 and you can offer to pay both back in the summer when you are free to do more hours or get a better job. I think it's remarkable the lack of bitternes in your post towards your Dad considering his record so far. You're nearly there, keep your chin up, it will work out. Maybe ask your college counsellor for advice regards finances.

Best of luck. You're not spoiled at all. x

VeryBerry

shellyboo wrote: »

It's less the asking and more the expectation. I'd most certainly ask my parents for money if I was truly stuck, but I wouldn't have a tantrum if they didn't have it to give to me. I wouldn't expect it as my due - which she seems to. I put myself through college and everything as well, I asked my parents for handouts for rent, food... but if they didn't have it, they didn't have it. It was koka noodles for a month and no going out so that I could cover said rent. End of.

I didn't get the impression that the OP expected her father to help her out, or that she was throwing a tantrum because he said no. It seemed to me that she was upset because she'd asked, he'd said no problem, but then let her down. And as the OP saw it, he let her down because he was so broke, but he wasn't so broke he couldn't take his gf out for dinner.

Obviously he's entitled to spend his money as he wants, but I'd feel disappointed if my Dad did that to me. I'd feel like he was putting his gf first. Again, he's entitled to do that, but I'd still feel upset. But maybe I'm reading things wrong.

paperclip2

beth-lou wrote: »

I think you are doing a pretty incredible job at juggling so little. Jesus, everything is so much more expensive now than it was when I went to college.

I don't know what advice to give you, other than to give yourself a big pat on the back for all your efforts so far. You are doing so well on a tiny budget.
Maybe explain the situation better to your Dad and ask him canhe give to you as a loan, or ask your Mam for €50 and him for €50 and you can offer to pay both back in the summer when you are free to do more hours or get a better job. I think it's remarkable the lack of bitternes in your post towards your Dad considering his record so far. You're nearly there, keep your chin up, it will work out. Maybe ask your college counsellor for advice regards finances.

Best of luck. You're not spoiled at all. x

What she said!

Six of One

spoilt09 wrote: »

If he can afford to go off galavanting with his girlfriend a few times a week then he can afford to support his children.

OP I don't think it sounds like you are spoiled but more that you are a bit resentful of your Dad's priorities?

You say your Dad thought it would be stupid for you to get the bus and leave the car just for the sake of the NCT, he probably did genuinely think so and want to help sort it. It sounds like hes overstreched himself and then had to decide who to let down, the girlfriend for Valentines or you. Easier to let you down. Unfortunate for you when you were depending on him. As previous posters have said, of course it is natural to feel hurt and frustrated at him for going back on his promise and also for this pointed reminder of who comes first. I don't think it was an unreasonable request you made, you needed a dig out and aren't you still technically a dependant whilst in full time education anyway?

Whether your Dad comes up with the rest of the cash for you or not, what you might need to take from this is that Dad is unreliable. Try accept where his life is now at and don't ask him for anything. If he can't let you down again maybe it will be easier to create some new, more equal kind of relationship with him in the future.

shellyboo

VeryBerry wrote: »

I didn't get the impression that the OP expected her father to help her out, or that she was throwing a tantrum because he said no. It seemed to me that she was upset because she'd asked, he'd said no problem, but then let her down. And as the OP saw it, he let her down because he was so broke, but he wasn't so broke he couldn't take his gf out for dinner.

Obviously he's entitled to spend his money as he wants, but I'd feel disappointed if my Dad did that to me. I'd feel like he was putting his gf first. Again, he's entitled to do that, but I'd still feel upset. But maybe I'm reading things wrong.

I think it's only fair that when I'm really stuck I turn to him. If he can afford to go off galavanting with his girlfriend a few times a week then he can afford to support his children.

I feel spoiled for being annoyed when I don't get what I ask for

This is what gave me the impression that she feels entitled to her Dad's money. She thinks it's "only fair" that he dig her out, and gets annoyed when she doesn't get what she asked for.

spoilt09 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far.

A lot of people keep saying to me that I'm living beyond my means and should get rid of the car. I think only one person was actually realised that I said I would get rid of the car and get the bus and my Dad turned around and said that no way would I do that because he would pay half. He actually offered to pay the full amount but I only asked for half.

I was fully prepared to stop using the car until he told me not to, you seem to be happily ignoring that.

As for living beyond my means, I'm earning circa €60 a week. I'm in college, I can only work part-time. I could work weekends but I'm in my final 4 months. Let's be reasonable here; I'm not going to work so much that my academic work suffers. I have been looking for other jobs with more hours but no luck so far. So what exactly should I do to control my spending? I never go out drinking and at weekends I sit in rather than go out. Should I just stop eating? I really don't know what else I can do. I spend €20 on petrol, a bus ticket to and from college costs the same. I spent €20 or less on food and put the rest off the €12000 loans I have had to take out to pay for books and rent.

Before you ask how I have so much debt, I don't get a grant and I genuinely have not taken a cent off Mum or Dad except the €60 a month I get for insurance. I have to take a €3000 each college year to cover rent/books/bills and €3000 X 4 years + insurance = a lot of debt.

OP, I feel your pain, I did it myself. Still paying off the loans 3 years later - still can't afford a car. You're right in saying the petrol and the cost of a bus ticket are the same, but you're not expected to put the bus through an NCT, keep it roadworthy and pay the insurance. You have to take into consideration ALL the costs. If you blow out a tyre tomorrow, who's going to pay for that? Your Dad as well?

If you can't afford to do these things yourself, you are living beyond your means - regardless of who promised to pay for them for you. You can't depend on other people to pay your way, because sometimes crap happens and they let you down. If your Dad is so unreliable with money then you really should not be depending on him to pay for things, since if you have to cover costs that he's promised, you could get behind on your debt repayments... and believe me, it's really not worth it.

Lollipops23

shellyboo wrote: »

This is what gave me the impression that she feels entitled to her Dad's money. She thinks it's "only fair" that he dig her out, and gets annoyed when she doesn't get what she asked for.

i dont think thats what she means at all. she wasentitled to his money throughout her entire childhood and didn't get it. she feels angry and let down, not because he didn't/couldn't pay but because he said he would, actively encouraged her to get the car fixed, and then changed his mind.

beth-lou

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i dont think thats what she means at all. she wasentitled to his money throughout her entire childhood and didn't get it. she feels angry and let down, not because he didn't/couldn't pay but because he said he would, actively encouraged her to get the car fixed, and then changed his mind.

Exactly. It's in the finer details. He said he would and then left her with a €200 debt as opposed to 100. She was prepared to give up the car, he told her not to. As a result she has a debt that she can't afford on top of the stuff she is managing.

And I would hope that if my kids get really stuck, that yes, they would come and ask me for help. If I can give it I will. If I can't I won't. But I certainly won't tell them to do one thing, get them into a situation they were trying to avoid and then say sorry love, I'm going to dinner instead, tough.
If he can afford to go galavanting to dinner with his girlfriend, then yes, he can afford to keep his word. He gave it, she acted on it and now he's left her in the lurch. She has every right to be annoyed about that.

The problem is in the finer details. She is doing an outstanding job of standing onher own two feet overall.

I really don't understand the position some people are taking and blithely ignoring the finer details. It's very unfair.

louisecm

I don't think you're spoiled, the issue here isn't the money really is it? Its that your dad said he'd do something and then went back on it (to your detriment obviously.)

Spud83

OP you said you could work weekends. If you work one weekend at minimum wage that should get you your €100.

Should you be pissed at your dad? yes I would be pissed at anyone that offered to help me out and didn't regardless of whether they were my Dad or not.

shellyboo

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i dont think thats what she means at all. she wasentitled to his money throughout her entire childhood and didn't get it. she feels angry and let down, not because he didn't/couldn't pay but because he said he would, actively encouraged her to get the car fixed, and then changed his mind.

Ok, she's angry because her Dad didn't support them when they were kids - that's got eff all to do with the fact that she's now an adult and should be supporting herself.

beth-lou wrote: »

Exactly. It's in the finer details. He said he would and then left her with a €200 debt as opposed to 100. She was prepared to give up the car, he told her not to. As a result she has a debt that she can't afford on top of the stuff she is managing.

And I would hope that if my kids get really stuck, that yes, they would come and ask me for help. If I can give it I will. If I can't I won't. But I certainly won't tell them to do one thing, get them into a situation they were trying to avoid and then say sorry love, I'm going to dinner instead, tough.

The problem is in the finer details. She is doing an outstanding job of standing onher own two feet overall.

I really don't understand the position some people are taking and blithely ignoring the finer details. It's very unfair.

Yeah, the finer details are xyz - but the big picture is, if you're going to rely on other people for financing, sooner or later they are going to let you down. End of. I highly doubt that her Dad did this in a malicious way. Many's the time I've called my Dad asking for cash and he says "yeah, no bother" and then later I get a call saying "I've checked my balance and I can only give you X". And that's my too bad for leaving myself short of money.

Of course she's doing a good job, well done her, pat on the back - but the fact remains that she is living beoynd her means. If she cannot afford to maintain the car with her own money, she realistically (since she has no reliable way of funding it) cannot afford it.

beth-lou

shellyboo wrote: »

Ok, she's angry because her Dad didn't support them when they were kids - that's got eff all to do with the fact that she's now an adult and should be supporting herself.





Yeah, the finer details are xyz - but the big picture is, if you're going to rely on other people for financing, sooner or later they are going to let you down. End of. I highly doubt that her Dad did this in a malicious way. Many's the time I've called my Dad asking for cash and he says "yeah, no bother" and then later I get a call saying "I've checked my balance and I can only give you X". And that's my too bad for leaving myself short of money.

Of course she's doing a good job, well done her, pat on the back - but the fact remains that she is living beoynd her means. If she cannot afford to maintain the car with her own money, she realistically (since she has no reliable way of funding it) cannot afford it.

Is she spoilt?

tbh

i don't think you are spoiled, I think you are angry. Your dad let you down over and over again, and despite yourself, you gave him another chance to help you and he let you down again. You're angry with yourself for making yourself vunerable to him again. It doesn't matter whether it was money for your car, for a diamond or for a life-saving op. he let you down and you're right to feel peeved, imo.

von Neumann

Hi Op, no I don't think your spoilt,
I think a lot of poster here are being way too hard on you.

Should you be pissed, absolutely.

It's swings and roundabouts, some times you ask for something, some time they will as for something.

If it was supposed to be any different, we would be hatched from eggs and able to fend for ourselves from day one.

shellyboo

beth-lou wrote: »

Is she spoilt?

Yep, she is, and so am I to be quite honest.