It's all very serious these days, let's talk about murder.

Dragan

Okay, so you have just killed someone. I am not too fussed about who it was or why. What i want to know is how do you get rid of the body?

Realistically, looking at your own life as it stands now, if you were driven to it, carried out the evil deed and were left with one corpse on your hands...how would you go about disposing of it so as to get away with murder?

In short, what's the best way for me to get rid of this dead hooker?

Mena

Bathtub of acid?

Wagon

Dragan wrote: »

Okay, so you have just killed someone. I am not too fussed about who it was or why. What i want to know is how do you get rid of the body?

Realistically, looking at your own life as it stands now, if you were driven to it, carried out the evil deed and were left with one corpse on your hands...how would you go about disposing of it so as to get away with murder?

In short, what's the best way for me to get rid of this dead hooker?

I hear the best thing to do is feed em' to pigs.

Quazzie

When it comes to removing a dead body, getting rid of all the body parts is crucial. Use the bathtub for minimal mess when chopping up the body. Sharp knives, hacksaws and axes work best for dismemberment. Throw a dinner party and serve your victim to your guests. Leg bones make excellent stock for soups and stews. Any left over bones can be fed to the dogs or baked until they can be crumbled up and spread around a garden later.

K-9

Watch Fargo.

Min

You could ring the Gardai and they would remove the body for you.

4zn76tysfajdxp

I don't know about getting rid of the body but the first thing I'd do is take a picture of it, post it in the photography forum and get post of the day. That would be lovely.

Earthhorse

Green bin for bio-degradables, isn't it?

Dlite

Pour some sort of plastic over it, but into a clear box and leave it in The Ambassador Theatre.

Abi

I feed the pigs with mine.

Dragan

K-9 wrote: »

Watch Fargo.

Why? That will be two hours of my life i won't be getting back.

*looks at hooker* Then again, better off than him.

I mean her.

AnonoBoy

Karsyn Future Recorder wrote: »

I don't know about getting rid of the body but the first thing I'd do is take a picture of it, post it in the photography forum and get post of the day. That would be lovely.

But if you didn't take any pictures then it wouldn't have happened so you'd get away with it.

"Pics or it didn't happen." and all that.

Wibbs

Too slow. Big placcy sheet. put body on same. Dress in old clothes. Wear a hat. Cut body into manageable pieces. Cut off hands and head. Any tattoos remove and burn. Dump bits of bodies in different river mouths so they get washed out to sea. Use biodegradable bags. Think of the environment people. Animals and decay will do the rest. Get old clothes and soak in bucket of bleach until they start to fall apart. Burn same. Try and be a serial killer in summer. The cold preserves forensics for longer. Deny everything to police if arrested. I've said too much.....:D

4zn76tysfajdxp

Dragan wrote: »

Why? That will be two hours of my life i won't be getting back.

*looks at hooker* Then again, better off than him.

I mean her.

It, now.

arybvtcw0eolkf

Dragan wrote: »

Okay, so you have just killed someone. I am not too fussed about who it was or why. What i want to know is how do you get rid of the body?

Realistically, looking at your own life as it stands now, if you were driven to it, carried out the evil deed and were left with one corpse on your hands...how would you go about disposing of it so as to get away with murder?

In short, what's the best way for me to get rid of this dead hooker?

Hire a mobil tree shredder and feed the bitch to the fish!.

.

AnonoBoy

Dlite wrote: »

Pour some sort of plastic over it, but into a clear box and leave it in The Ambassador Theatre.

Slice and Dice first.

MagicMarker

There are a number of things needed to dispose of a body.

Bathtub
Hacksaw
Copious amount of industrial strength bin liners
An old truck
A weird limp where by you drag your foot on the ground behind you, all the good murderers have them.
Denis Taylor glasses

Puddleduck

Ring the gardai and tell them that there is a body in your house, when they come round to arrest you claim to be scitzophrenic or that you were killing the devil.

Alternativly...eat her/him (again)

K-9

Dragan wrote: »

Why? That will be two hours of my life i won't be getting back.

*looks at hooker* Then again, better off than him.

I mean her.

If you don't watch it, it will be 20 years of your life you will not be getting back.

Plenty of stiffies for you in prison though.

Wibbs

Quazzie2002 wrote: »

When it comes to removing a dead body, getting rid of all the body parts is crucial. Use the bathtub for minimal mess when chopping up the body. Sharp knives, hacksaws and axes work best for dismemberment. Throw a dinner party and serve your victim to your guests. Leg bones make excellent stock for soups and stews. Any left over bones can be fed to the dogs or baked until they can be crumbled up and spread around a garden later.

Better bet.

Dragan

Wibbs wrote: »

Too slow. Big placcy sheet. put body on same. Dress in old clothes. Wear a hat. Cut body into manageable pieces. Cut off hands and head. Any tattoos remove and burn. Dump bits of bodies in different river mouths so they get washed out to sea. Use biodegradable bags. Think of the environment people. Animals and decay will do the rest. Get old clothes and soak in bucket of bleach until they start to fall apart. Burn same. Try and be a serial killer in summer. The cold preserves forensics for longer. Deny everything to police if arrested. I've said too much.....:D

The only thing you really forgot was the finger prints ( just burn them off ) and teeth ( hammer to get them out, hammer to smash them ).

But yeah, i am starting to worry a bit about your "lady killer" title now.:pac:

4zn76tysfajdxp

Mairt wrote: »

Hire a mobil tree shredder and feed the bitch to the fish!

Do you feed trees to your fish?

Davei141

I would take it to a Weekend at Bernie's.

Earthhorse

K-9 wrote: »

Watch Fargo.

Or Weekend at Bernie's.

Earthhorse

Davei141 wrote: »

I would take it to a Weekend at Bernie's.

God damnit.

For about 2 weeks in my new house, all we could watch was the Discovery channel. At least 90% of it was made up of forensic shows. That all of season 3 of CSI on DVD.

When committing a crime, pack some weights into your shoes. Also, maybe wear bigger shoes than you normally would. This way, if you do leave footprints, they will get your shoe-size and weight wrong.

Maybe the best way of dealing with dead bodies is to figure some way of hardening them, paint them with a gloss and pretend they were manakins.

Latchy

Da deep blue sea for the fish's to feed on .

If you could stick her into a large suitcase and get her on board the holyhead ferry your laughing ,people will be to busy geting sick to notice her go over the side .

Dragan

Deleted User wrote: »

Maybe the best way of dealing with dead bodies is to figure some way of hardening them, paint them with a gloss and pretend they were manakins.

That would be sweet! And, if i can get another one, i can put on a saucy puppet show!

Wibbs

Dragan wrote: »

The only thing you really forgot was the finger prints ( just burn them off ) and teeth ( hammer to get them out, hammer to smash them ).

Noted......and thank you. Use all metal knives, saws and hammers. easier to sterilise afterward.

But yeah, i am starting to worry a bit about your "lady killer" title now.:pac:

Naw I'd reserve this stuff for car thieves and burglars. Little remorse tbh. There's too many people on this planet and I've been sent by Gaaawd to cleanse the worthless. Damn it's hard to type in a strait jacket......

Saibh

Poison and set-up someone you don't like for the crime

Latchy

Wibbs wrote: »

Damn it's hard to type in a strait jacket......

The ladies are queuing up in another thread to rip that jacket of ya .

Dyr

river, or sea..chuck it in, hopefully it wont show up for a while. Garda detection rates aren't too hot so once you havent left a huge trail of evidence behind i would'nt be puttin any money on the boys in blue


Or stick it in the back of a freezer in a fish shop in galway :pac:

AnonoBoy

Incidentally - don't take your phone with you when you're off a-killin'

In fact leave it in someone's else's car so it'll look like you were on the move elsewhere while the deed was being done.

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

Paddy Samurai

I could murder a pint right now!.

K-9

Deleted User wrote: »

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't reommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accellerates deconomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

Listen to him. Sounds like he knows what he is talking about, you can't beat experience.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Who says you have to dispose of the body? Have you never seen weekend at Bernies?

Latchy

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote: »

Who says you have to dispose of the body? Have you never seen weekend at Bernies?

I seen it . 2 post's back down the line have mentioned it to.Berni must be stinking by now .

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Davei141 wrote: »

I would take it to a Weekend at Bernie's.

Earthhorse wrote: »

God damnit.

QFT, great minds and all that.

Reminder to self: read first page before posting smart arse answers!

LouOB

canoe or fishing boat??

Puddleduck

Dress the body and send it to RTE to work as an 'entertainer'

LorraineL

Wagon wrote: »

I hear the best thing to do is feed em' to pigs.

+1 on the pigs, but they can't digest teeth or hair. Burn the hair off first. Make some nice jewellery from the teeth.

TPD

Sneak into a graveyard at night, find an open grave awaiting burial the next day. Dig down a foot or so, place the body in, and cover. The next day, the funeral will happen and the body will be buried.

A graveyard is the last place anyone would look for a corpse.

Paddy Samurai

Abigayle wrote: »

I feed the pigs with mine.

YEEESSSSS!. WE HAVE A WINNER!.
TRUST ME PIGS IS THE WAY TO GO.

Jesus Juice

What id do is murder 7 people for each of the sins then cut the head of the 7th body,put it in a box and bury it in the desert....then tell the detective whos on the case where the head is and see what happens.....and and i forgot to mention the head is his wifes!

Wibbs

TPD wrote: »

Sneak into a graveyard at night, find an open grave awaiting burial the next day. Dig down a foot or so, place the body in, and cover. The next day, the funeral will happen and the body will be buried.

A graveyard is the last place anyone would look for a corpse.

I like your style.

Dragan

Wibbs wrote: »

I like your style.

Bitten from Dexter, but deftly done.

Do people think there is any promise in a Prozzie costume?

I mean, it might come in handy around Halloween if i can keep the skin intact?

Plus, there IS a recession on, might help bring in the rent money.

ejmaztec

Pimp the body out and pin the murder on the first customer.

TPD

Dragan wrote: »

Bitten from Dexter, but deftly done.

Damn you Dragaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!

Robbo

Stage 1:Put the corpse in the boot of a Renault Megane
Stage 2: ?
Stage 3: Profit.

Either that or another vote for havign Wu feed her to his pigs.

Smart Bug

Bury the cadaver under your floorboards. That's what I did with the old man.

It's ok, no one will notice. Why, yes, do come in gentlemen. I have nothing to hide. Why yes, I did know him don't know where he's gotten to.

But, harken, what is that noise? Low, dull, quick - much as a watch makes wrapped in cotton wool. Surely they hear it, surely. They do! They toy with me now, they make a mockery of my horror!

"You hear it! Tear up the planks, here here! - it is the beating of his hideous heart!"