Revenge. Sweet, petty revenge.

jill_valentine

Dear driver of Prison Service Transport Van 07 D 673**,

A few days ago, I was walking on the south quays. I was making my way from college to work in the freezing, driving snow with only my €18.99 Penneys jacket to defend me from the elements, when you passed me on the road. And by "passed me on the road", I mean "drove at ridiculously high speed through a large, but entirely avoidable, puddle and hydroplaned to an eventual stop just short of the patiently-waiting traffic at the lights immediately ahead of you."

In the process, you managed to dump approximately a crap ton of oily roadslush on me. This sucked considerably, most especially since I then had to wear my oily, slushy clothes for the next four hours. So comprehensively did you do this that you somehow managed to get oily roadslush down my back and actually right into my pockets. The thing is though, as lame as it was to get splashed, it wouldn't have happened anyway if you had been driving with due care for the weather conditions and traffic circumstances. You were, in short, a jerk.

Now, I'm not a violent type, and I'm not inclined to raging insensibly at things beyond my control, so instead, my vengeance will take the form of a series of curses and ill-wishing. Nothing too extreme, but enough to make your days blow the way mine did.

I wish the following on you:

• May your significant other develop a weird smell that only you ever seem to notice.
  
  
• May you develop a harmless and short lived - but extremely gross-looking - facial growth. Something that wobbles.
  
  
• May you always be slightly incorrectly paid, but never enough to be sure without having to do the maths.
  
  
• May all your pets be ridiculously flatulent (inc. birds, fish.)
  
  
• May your hairdresser/ barber always give you his haircut, instead of what you actually asked for.
  
  
• May all the furniture you ever use make weird noises when you sit on it.
  
  
• May you always have slightly less toilet paper than you need.
  
  
• May you never remember the names of songs you like when they come up in conversation.
  
  
• May you always find half a bluebottle in your Mars bars.
  
  
• May you get small clumps of long, silky hair growing in weird places (eg. forehead, knuckles.)
  
  
• May your taxi drivers always be listening to Adrian Kennedy.
  
  
• May the person you're talking about always turn out to be just about near enough to have heard you, but not close enough to be completely sure.
  
  
• May cats always go to your roof to fight/sex it up/ die.

More when I think of them. I'm not done with you yet, jerk.

Regards,

Jill Valentine.




....I feel better now.

But I'd like some boardie suggestions, for further petty revenge cursing. I know you people are bitter and malevolent, and I'd like to harness that power for good. Suggestions should be non-violent, creative, and preferably a bit gross and embarrassing without any serious psychological implications.

seanybiker

Thats not bad. I would love a fish that farts all the time. I find it hilarious when I fart in the bath so a fish farting would be brilliant.
Cats do smelly farts though

Rb

All my curses are way too extreme to post here.

Overheal

May you always get that annoying jolt of static electricity everytime you go to shut your car door.

minxie

i used to get a laugh outta splashing people
untill it happened to me...:eek:
what goes around comes around i say,,:(
buy a hummer its bigger...:cool:

Aldebaran

May all your children favour chips over you

jill_valentine

May your job rejections always be mildly insulting, but too vague to be useful.

Overheal

May you always lose the receipts to eveything you try to get fixed under warranty

Professey Chin

May you always not remember to get a towel until after youre in the shower

Im always feckin doin that

Crash

May you always miss the keyhole on your first try.

K-9

It's a couple of days ago.

I wish jill valentine Alzheimers.

ashyle

may your keys create little scratchy lines on your ipod screen that you try to wipe off cos it could be dirt




...thats the worst

jill_valentine

ashyle wrote: »

may your keys create little scratchy lines on your ipod screen that you try to wipe off cos it could be dirt




...thats the worst

Beautiful. This is beautiful.

javaboy

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stayyyy-aaaayy forever young


Sorry Jill but I'm no good at this curses lark.

jill_valentine

javaboy wrote: »

Sorry Jill but I'm no good at this curses lark.

And you call yourself After Hours mod. :mad:

Senna

jill_valentine wrote: »

Dear driver of Prison Service Transport Van 07 D 673**,

May the inmates take an uncomfortable liking to you.

Professey Chin

jill_valentine wrote: »

And you call yourself After Hours mod. :mad:

Some do. I call him coffee

K-9

javaboy wrote: »

Sorry Jill but I'm no good at this curses lark.

Feck, c*nt, baxtards, a*sewipes. better?

javaboy

jill_valentine wrote: »

And you call yourself After Hours mod. :mad:

Not in real life. It tends to make people walk away.

Ultimate Chin wrote: »

Some do. I call him coffee

Yes boss. Like the drink but not spelled the same. Btw I call you Lrrr in my head.

jill_valentine

javaboy wrote: »

Not in real life. It tends to make people walk away.

Pff. Break that out at Boards beers, you're on to a winner.

We're digressing from the pettiness though.

Professey Chin

javaboy wrote: »

Yes boss. Like the drink but not spelled the same. Btw I call you Lrrr in my head.

Then you shall be the guest of honour on omicron persei 8.And the main course

Ooo on topic.
May you always leave a floater after using the toilet

useful_contacts

jill_valentine wrote: »

• May cats always go to your roof to fight/sex it up/ die.

My neighbours cats are always doing this- ****ing annoying:mad:

Overheal

useful_contacts wrote: »

My neighbours cats are always doing this- ****ing annoying:mad:

We've found the mystery driver! Hang him/her!

Professey Chin

Overheal wrote: »

We've found the mystery driver! Hang him/her/it!

Cant be too careful

tech77

May your toast always land buttered-side down.

May the queue NEXT to you always be moving faster.

May birds always sh1t on your windscreen immediately after you get your car washed.

marcsignal

may you never be blessed with another dry fart

every time you fly, may you be condemned to sit next to a fat sweaty bloke, who brought his own garlic salami

hullaballoo

May you never have the exact change for the bus (lawd knows you ain't got no caw);

May you forget to switch the immersion from sink to shower and freeze just after soaping up;

May you always slightly undercook your roast chicken;

May the volume down button on your TV remote break.

tech77

marcsignal wrote: »

every time you fly, may you be condemned sit next to a fat sweaty bloke who brought his own garlic salami

LOL

Spore

May you never have enough insulin

Quazzie

May you sit on every pair of glasses/sunglasses you ever own. #

May all your mobile phones have a slight crackle in the ear piece thats never enough to justify replacing it.

May all your pens dry up.

May your ATM/Debit/Credit cards not read properly after you have already filled the car with petrol.

May the attendant filling the car accidently put diesel in your petrol car.

Aodan83

May your favourite song freeze just after you think "Aw yes, I love this song!" when it is played on your i-pod.
May you never find 2 matching socks.(How has that not come up before now???)

Quazzie

May one flush never be enough

Kablam

Ultimate Chin wrote: »

Then you shall be the guest of honour on omicron persei 8.And the main course

Ooo on topic.
May you always leave a floater after using the toilet

May the person who uses the toilet before you always leave a floater.:(

Overheal

may your TV always lose signal right when you least want it to

dontcallmecrazy

may you never have put enough water in the kettle when making tea to fill the cup.

may your wife always have the painters and decorators in for every naughty weekend you decide to take her on.

ITDept

May you have a sizeable chunk of cash removed from your pay packet, let's say as an extra pension contribution, only to pass away in dramatic circumstances on your last day on the force... sorry, I mean driving vans.

yoshytoshy

May you fill your spanky new petrol car with diesel ,at the last garage for miles:)

Kablam

May the flea's of a thousand camels infest your underpants

Blazer

May a prisoner ram a nightstick up his ass in the next riot. (without lube) :eek:

MaxFlower

May your favorite TV show always cut to an ad just as you sit down to have tea

jill_valentine

Good work, vengeful boardies, keep it up.

He'll know the true weight of our petty, petty wrath....

Oink

May the car in front of you go through the lights slowly enough at every intersection, that you just CAN'T risk it, and you and HAVE to stop.

And then may the idiot behind you honk like you're an idiot.

And then when you're busy insulting him, may a guard show up and ask you to please move along as some people have places to go to.

And then may the light turn red again.

And then as you are going through anyway, may the cars coming to your right honk -you guessed it- like you're an idiot.

At that point may you be distracted and stupidly make some very small damage to the car in front of you, just enough that you would look stupid.

And may the driver of that car let you off "because you're obviously not too right in the head"

jester77

May your zipper get stuck when you are bursting for a piss
May your water always taste of chlorine
May the crabs eat through your underwear

yoshytoshy

May you forever release yourself in public toilets ,without checking for toilet paper.

Jesus Juice

May you walk into a room and always get a faint whiff of puke and everytime you ask someone ''can you get that smell?'' they will say ''What you on about,i cant smell anything''
May you always get an itch right in deep of your arse at public functions and parties.

Earthhorse

May all your Christmases be white.

Dord

I got this book before with swear words and phrases in each language. It was a joke kinda thing... anywho... the Irish phrase translated to "May you have eternal itch on your balls".

I think that's the worst thing you could possibly wish a man.

c0rk3r

Correct me if im wrong, i may well be but doesnt this sort of behaviour fall under reckless driving, driving without due care or some other offence ? If you have the vehicle registration why not phone the guards and make a complaint and also phone whoever is in charge of the prison transport stating you;ve already made a complaint to the guard;s. Kick up a fuss. Say you were wearing 2k italian designer jacket. Maybe you;ll at least get an apology out of it.

Real revenge instead of this wishy crap.

Quazzie

c0rk3r wrote: »

Correct me if im wrong, i may well be but doesnt this sort of behaviour fall under reckless driving, driving without due care or some other offence ? If you have the vehicle registration why not phone the guards and make a complaint and also phone whoever is in charge of the prison transport stating you;ve already made a complaint to the guard;s. Kick up a fuss. Say you were wearing 2k italian designer jacket. Maybe you;ll at least get an apology out of it.

Real revenge instead of this wishy crap.

Which reminds me.


May you have an annoying habit of always finding faults with other people driving all the time believing you are the perfect driver, until you reach a point that everyone hates for being so pretentious

c0rk3r

I dont drive

Latchy

To the driver , his puddle splashing is just an extension of his frustration with life and how to get one over on the next man/womon .Oh yes, this dude wakes every morning contemplating how best he is going to fcuk up somebodys day .His wife hates him , his children no longer speak to him ,people dread when he appears in the pub knowing full well they will get that '' wait till I tell you waht I done today '' spiel .He is everywere :mad:


Fair play OP , you just described something that must happen to everybody at least 3 ,4 or maybe more times in their lives ,the extreme form of puddle dashing .My suggestion for a wish towards that driver ? '' May all your orgasims be elusive '' There



to be taken with the pinch of salt