Can my aunt adopt my baby?

LegacyUser

This would probably be better suited to the adoption forum; however I really need to post unreg'd on this one in case anyone I know in "real life" might recognise me from other posts.

Basically, I'm a 22-year-old student, and I'm eight weeks pregnant. My own stupid stupid fault; since I started having sex I've always been so careful about using the pill as well as condoms, however I had to stop taking the pill in September due to health issues, and my doctor didn't want to try any other contraception (e.g. the coil or implant) until those health issues were sorted. So, since then, we've only been using condoms (Durex Extra Safe.) As my boyfriend and I live on opposite sides of the country, we only have sex a couple of times a month anyway, and there were no accidents such as the condom splitting, however I am just extremely unlucky.

I'm not particularly anti-abortion, but I just couldn't get one myself. I know that, when I tell my parents they'll be disappointed but they'll want me to keep it, however that would not be fair on the baby. My situation isn't too bad - I'm in a very happy three-year relationship, my boyfriend is extremely wonderful and supportive, both of us have great families, he's in a decent job and I've a good job lined up for when I finish college this summer. However, there's so much I want to do in the next few years as regards travel etc - I definitely want kids some day, but if I had one now I just know I'd resent it so much and therefore be a terrible mother. I just couldn't inflict that on the child.

So, adoption seems to be my only choice. I know that there's a really strict vetting system for adoptive parents in Ireland, so I know my baby will have the best chance of going to a great family. However, I am considering asking my aunt to adopt it. She and her husband are currently in the process of adopting a Russian baby (they are in their late forties, too old to adopt an Irish child.) Last I heard, they're nearing the end of the process, and hope to have the baby by summer. Now, maybe they'd rather go ahead with that and wouldn't even be interested in my baby, but I'm just wondering is it an option for me? Or would they not be able to adopt it seeing as they're too old to qualify for an Irish baby by the regular process?

Would really appreciate if anyone could help me with this, and apologies for the long post!!

Thanks x

Ostrom

Get in touch with an adoption society, where are you living? The HSE have agencies in all the former health board areas, they will be in the best position to advise you, regardless of what may be said about their practices.

Granting a formal adoption order will require the same procedures regardless of your relationship with the adopting family - I am not sure about provisions in place for family adoptions (a different kind of adoption order granted to step-parent families).

Your local health office should be your first stop 1850 24 1850

And talk to your Aunt!

Peewee_lane

http://www.adoptionboard.ie/

Ring them with an alias and ask.

Ask yourself these questions.

When you do eventually have children what will your other child think when you are playing happy families, and that child was the one you didnt want?

You're Aunt? Why would she want to get involved in a messy adoption where you will always be on the scene?

I know you may think you're being kind but its best they get a child from another source and its best you think about doing something elseI think you are not thinking properly.

Put the shoe on the other foot. 15 years from now, you're your unborn child.

Do whats best!

LegacyUser

You make some good points peewee!! Ideally what I'd have been considering, is that I'd have no involvement with the child if my aunt took it, and that the child wouldn't know it was mine, but I suppose that just wouldn't work on a practical basis.

I think I'll probably just give it for adoption through the regular channels. However I just want to consider everything and have my mind firmly made up before I tell friends and family, as I know I'll probably have to defend my decision a LOT over the next few months.

sardineta

Would a formal adoption be necessary - could they not just raise your child? It was quite commonplace in less enlightened times.

Craft25

Remember.. with your aunt you'll see the baby all the time (which could be good or bad), what if you decide you want it back when you've finished travelling and your aunt has no intentions?

Obviously its good to talk to the relevant advice agencies.. but if you feel your family and your fella are strong, open and communicative then bring the issue into the open ant talk about it.. perhaps if you see how you have a big support system around you, you will still be able to have the adventure and travel with the help of all around you.

littlebug

What are your boyfriends thoughts on this?

Mingey

You may feel differently when you actually have the child. I would imagine giving it away even to someone close would be a very hard thing to do. It is also difficult on your aunt to look after a baby for the 'challenging' years, then give it up when you want it back.

LegacyUser

Are you absolutely certain you don't want to have this child?

8 weeks is very early days. If you are certain you are of going with the birth you have lots of time to weigh up your options.

You're main reservation is the worry you will feel resentful. You can't imagine now how you will feel as the child grows inside you and when you have given birth and held the baby in your arms. Travel and all your other plans may seem very far down your list of priorities.

If you do decide to go ahead with adoption I think your aunt is a bad idea. Your family will be aware of it, unless you plan to completely conceal the pregnancy which will be difficult. these things have a way of surfacing. Many an Irish family has been ripped apart by finding out an aunt is really a sister or a cousin is really a brother. It's a big strain to put on everyone to keep that hidden for the rest of their lives.

My advice would be to not make any decisions yet. Although if you still think giving the baby to your aunt would be a good idea, you should feel her out about it before her other plans get too advanced.

sardineta

Unregistered wrote: »

Many an Irish family has been ripped apart by finding out an aunt is really a sister or a cousin is really a brother. It's a big strain to put on everyone to keep that hidden for the rest of their lives.

Do you have any statistics to back up your claim? It certainly was not the case in mine.

LegacyUser

Mingey wrote: »

You may feel differently when you actually have the child. I would imagine giving it away even to someone close would be a very hard thing to do. It is also difficult on your aunt to look after a baby for the 'challenging' years, then give it up when you want it back.

Hi There OP,

Im getting a few alarm bells ringing as you are writing. As you have never had a baby before it is impossible to describe the emotions you go through in the later stages of pregnancy and also when the baby is born.

At the moment you are speaking logically and pragmatically about wanting to travel and believing you will resent your baby if you keep it etc, but I will be very suprised if you can remain thinking the same way throughout the process of pregnancy and birth. To be honest everything else just fades to "background" especially when you see the baby.

Your situation is made all the more complicated by the fact that you are in love with the father and are going to stay together. Now your plan sounds fine in theory but ask yourself when the love and the hormones kick in you look at the baby, your boyfriend sees the baby, you both see yourselves in the baby....its going to be so hard if you have already agreed to adopt out the baby and want to change your minds.

I know a girl (not well) from school who had your situation, she is still with the boyfriend and they adopted out the baby, she got the leaving went out and worked and as the years went on all the expectations they had of travelling and "living life to the full without kids" didn't go their way for a few reasons. They tried to get the adoption reversed but of course you cant.

They never had any more children, Im not sure of the in's and out's but the girl looks haunted to this day.

I would just say with pregnancy, wanted or unwanted there are no guarantee's.

Think through everything and get some decent advice from experts.

Ostrom

Unregistered wrote: »

If you do decide to go ahead with adoption I think your aunt is a bad idea. Your family will be aware of it, unless you plan to completely conceal the pregnancy which will be difficult. these things have a way of surfacing. Many an Irish family has been ripped apart by finding out an aunt is really a sister or a cousin is really a brother. It's a big strain to put on everyone to keep that hidden for the rest of their lives.

Aberrations aside, I dont think this happens much. If (and honestly, OP, I think this is an unlikely scenario if they are this far along in the process) you do reach some agreement with your Aunt, you are in an excellent position for an open adoption, or a less formal arrangement of guardianship.

I would ask you not to underestimate the exhaustiveness and extent of the order-granting process.

But I, (and I doubt anyone else here) am not involved in the administration side of this. Contact the HSE, or one of the other registered adoption agencies (you can get them through the adoptionboard link above). Start early, explore your options, and talk to your family

LegacyUser

sardineta wrote: »

Do you have any statistics to back up your claim? It certainly was not the case in mine.

No but off the top of my head I can think of four, in a not very big geographical area or social circle.

If you had a happier experience then I am very happy for you. I didn't mean to say anything against adoptions within families, just the difficulties with keeping it a secret.


Family secrets are always troublesome but when it comes to who is really whose child then they are more emotive and ultimately harder to keep. I know siblings who grew distant becasue they were afraid they couldn't keep a secret for them, even where they approved. I know children who felt betrayed by their parents, adoptive and natural, when they learned the truth. It's tricky stuff. I'm just saying she might be better considering other options.

Lollipops23

OP what has your BF said about this decision?have you really thought it all through,going through the pregnancy& giving birth?if you have and feel 100% sure that it's for you then best of luck. But it'd be a horrendous mistake to make if you weren't positive.
TBH i reckon of your aunt did take the baby it would probably come out eventually, i honestly believe these things have a way of being found out!and would you honestly feel comfortable seeing the child again and again over the years?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I don't think you should even discuss it with your aunt. She's so desperate for a child she might ignore all the complications and go along with it

It really sounds like you want this baby but you want to have your young life as well. Part of you probably thinks when you come back from travelling you can reclaim your child ready made.

tbh

here's why I would think this is a bad idea. You're being asked to make a decision right now that will possibly the biggest decision of your life. The 22-year old you is being asked to make a decision that the 40-year old you will probably still be questioning. What if you can't have any more kids? What if your boyfriend (God forbid) is killed? What if you feel a much bigger bond with your child than you anticipated? Giving the child to your aunt means that you will be asking yourself the question "did I do the right thing?" every day, for the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

Im late 30's sp more at your aunts age, Ive probably left having a family too late and now I am childless but did all the travelling and "partying" when I was young, not so young and older, believe me once you get used to a selfish lifestyle there is no "right time" to have those God forbids.

Yes it was great but looking at people your age with kids I feel jealous I didn't get it out of the way when I was younger and then I would have a kid or two just about to fly the nest now. I could still say "see ya kids" and be young enough to travel the world and catch up on partying etc

No matter what way around you do it, you are going to be tied down by kids at some stage, I really think you are better off getting it out of the way early and then enjoying the rest of your life.

All my peers waited till the mid and late 30's to have sprogs and are now looking like grandparents hanging around at the school gates...

Anyway -whatever you choose good luck.

marie_85

www.positiveoptions.ie

I think you're best off talking to a trained counsellor, rather than trying to make a decision based on some opinions on a forum. There's so many things to factor in with whatever decision you make, that you're best off talking to someone who knows the ins and outs of your situation better than we can guess.

Peewee_lane

Hi OP

I had another thought - you're boyfriend lives far away?

When a child grows inside you, you will get close to "it", whether you think you may or may not, it just happens, a little person growing inside you.

Dont rule out the chances that this child may be the best thing that will ever happen to you, more than travelling, more than everything else you want to do over the next few years.

This may sound silly, but I believe that things happen for a reason and maybe you should sit back and think harder about the baby. Believe me, when you tell your parents youre pregnant, theyre reaction to adoption might not be as blasse as yours. Also, youre telling them you're pregnant, not got cancer and this will be a good time in your life.

Please just think about it. Life doesnt end with a baby, maybe this was meant to be and you're going to be the greatest mom out there.

Good luck..

MagicMarker

Sounds to me like you want the baby, but don't want to sacrifice having some good times like a lot of people do in their 20's. It also sounds like you want to unload the burden onto your aunt while you're off partying, then when you get back you can be a mother.

I think you really need to think this through. This is a baby we're talking about, not a puppy. You either keep it and make it the priority in your life which will unfortunately suspend any traveling/aspirations you have in the short term. Or you give it up for adoption and forget about ever being a mother to him/her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies, it's great to get an outside perspective on this.

I can see that the idea of giving the child to my aunt really wouldn't work out. What someone said about she might take it without thinking it through because she's so desperate for a child ... that's quite possible, because they've been trying for so long, and she might regret it in the long term. I do honestly think that, if I went through with that, I'd never try to reclaim the child at a later date; I wouldn't even consider that plan if I thought there was a possibility I'd change my mind. But still, it makes more sense to go with a regular adoption.

As regards keeping the child ... well, I've seven more months to consider it, and believe me I will. But I just can't see it happening. If I did keep it, it would be for selfish reasons, and not in the child's best interests. And I agree, I've never had a child, and perhaps it will all change when the baby is born ... however I just don't see that happening, not for me. I'm just not at a stage in my life where I can offer a child the home and security and time that it needs, and there are plenty of very good people out there who could offer it all these and more. I'd rather the child grew up in a home where the parents wanted it for so long, rather than being stuck with parents who never wanted it in the first place and are struggling to make the best of a bad situation. Also, I just know if we kept it, both sets of parents would be a great support - but that's not fair on them, they've already raised their own children, they deserve a few years of freedom from that stuff!

About my boyfriend - he said the decision is ultimately up to me, and he'll support me whatever I decide. Still, he wouldn't be too keen on the idea of abortion, but if that's what I wanted (and it's definitely not) he'd be ok with it. He's happy with the idea of adoption, but would be absolutely fine if we decided to keep it either although he knows it wouldn't be ideal and money would be tight etc - basically he's not much help to me in deciding, as he has no strong opinions any way!! I know he'd make a great dad, but just not yet.

I'm going to tell my family, and see about that positive options etc, but not til next week. Just need a few days to get my head around it myself.

Peewee_lane

Well done, you sound like youre a strong one anyway.

Good luck, it will all work out in the end, whatever you decide.

The_Conductor

Can your aunt adopt your baby- in short yes.

Almost all adoptions involving Irish children these days are inter family adoptions- it is extremely rare for adoptions to occur outside of family situations these days (which is why your uncle and aunt are contemplating adopting overseas).

What I would urge you to do is imagine yourself in your childs place at various ages- and ask yourself what would be in the best interests of the child.

You have already ruled out abortion- leaving yourself with two options- to raise the child yourself (and with your partner), or to approach your uncle and aunt.

Men often feel rather disenfranchised when impending children are concerned- your partner's lack of help in this matter may simply be the way he is trying to tell you that he will support whatever decision you come to- but without wanting to appear that he is trying to steer you in a particular direction. Its a very thin line between being as supportive as possible, and appearing to be disinterested in the options open to you.

You may be imaging that your parents will be disappointed when you tell them that you are pregnant- but its probably safer not to make assumptions. You may be very pleasantly surprised with their reactions. If you are truly worried- I would suggest talking to whichever parent you are closer to- parents can be great for talking each other around to differing points of view. You might be very surprised at how receptive both sets of parents are to a prospective grandchild!

I know you think that you are not 'at an ideal point' to have a child- but to be honest- there never is an ideal time for having a child- it will always involve life changing decisions. Being a parent is a fulltime duty- but it doesn't preclude studying and doing lots of other things- it just involves a lot of self discipline.

The very best of good luck to you- regardless of what you decide to do.

Best wishes,

Shane

LegacyUser

from personal experience.

You will not be able to stay out of the childs life it your aunt adopts it. The child will be at every family gathering and more besides. Depending on the softening of your perspective, you mightn't be able to have as much access as you'd like - or have more expected of you than you'd like.

Your mum mightn't take to being an aunt again, rather than a grandmother, and that can lead to tension between relations.

The proximity of the child to your life will change your outlook, and you mightn't be able to control that.

Not saying it's a bad idea necessarily. But the dynamic will change your extended family permanently. And that needs to be thought through.

Salome

Personally, I wouldn't interfere in your aunt's foreign adoption in case she dropped the idea in favour of your child. What happens if you offer her your child, she drops the foreign adoption and then you get cold feet and change your mind? It wouldn't be fair.

I also think your boyfriend needs to be more involved - it's not fair for you to have to make all the decisions here.

LegacyUser

Guesty McGuest one thing stands out from your post and that is you already have strong feelings towards your baby. You are understandably upset and thrown by this pregnancy.
I was close to your age when I had my baby,and yes it did torpedo all my plans. I was in a relationship,but he was very immature. He was supportive but like most young guys he was clueless and even though he accepted the baby when I told him,it was very much my responsibility and TBH I knew I would be making the sacrifices as far as career,travel etc.
once baby arrived.
The thing to remember is that you are 22 and that IS young but it it's NOT too young to have a baby. You're not 15 are you? I know a girl who had a baby(and reared it) at 16 years of age.
Attitudes have changed and girls in general start their families later than 20years ago when I was pregnant. So you think "I'm too young". Stop thinking like that cos it won't help you AT ALL.
I am past 40 now and have met more than one woman my age who gave up their baby at 22 and are haunted by it now. It's a loss that never leaves them cos a mother never forgets her baby. At 22 you just see all the sacrifices you will make in keeping baby..no one tells you how you will love him/her from DAY ONE. Giving him/her up will not change that, all it will do is eat away at you and it gets worse and worse as you age. I am soo glad I reared my baby (by myself with just a tiny help from the father). I gave up my doctorate to rear him, and now he's reared I am living my life to the full.
You are I think subconsciously trying to stay close to baby..hence the idea of auntie adopting. You are not a child, you are well able at 22 to rear a baby. As for the plans to travel...what in the world makes you think you can switch off your mother instinct just cos you're down the road from baby? As for resentment..I doubt that will happen when you hold that baby. Also I would run a mile from a young man who is willing to sign over his parental rights(he has to sign too)...he has to grow up and take responsibility as well. Saying to a girl that he will support "her" decision to put baby into care with the aim of never having baby back says a lot about HIM. What will you tell the child when he/she tracks you down as an adult.. "Sorry honey, I severed my parental rights to you cos you were the way of my dreams"!!
It's not like you can say you couldn't rear him/her as this is 2009...there's plenty of help for single mums, and no one bats an eyelid anymore about it.
I would urge you to grow up a bit..that may sound harsh but the fact is you will have to!
You can try to run away to "find yourself" and give up all your rights to your baby,but you still have to face the fact that you ARE the mother and no amount of travelling, study or Auntie/Surrogate Mammy is ever going to change that. You are the Mammy so start acting like one before it's too late. Take care

LegacyUser

another thing to consider is how you feel about the way your aunt raises the kid? what if she was too strict? or not strict enough? would you interfere?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I had a friend in the past, who was adopted by his grandmother. He told me a lot about his life. The only people who knew that he was adopted by his grandmother were him, his birth mother and his grandmother. They sent her away at the time to have him and she gave up all rights to him at that time.

His real brothers and sisters, thought he was their uncle. His aunts and uncles thought he was their brother - it really messed with his head and his life was very difficult at home and at family gatherings and events. He said he wished more than anything that he was adopted out of his family as opposed to within it. He had to pretend that his mother was his sister for his whole life and at the age of 30, I believe this is still the case.

Just something to think about I suppose - how would you feel about pretending that your own child was your cousin for their life, or even childhood until they eventually found out?

Glowing

Just to let you know, it IS possible to travel with children! Yes, it requires a lot more planning, but I have seen countless parents bringing their young children to China, Thailand, Australia backpacking ..... and the kids love it!

Annie Bananie

Just a reminder, it it possible to finish college and travel even though you have kids It might take a bit longer and some more carefully planning, but very doable. Especially if you have the father around full time.

Good luck in whatever desition you go for

Edit: Ooop didnt see Glowing's post. Agree with it!

The_Conductor

Guest2009 wrote: »

Hi OP

I had a friend in the past, who was adopted by his grandmother. He told me a lot about his life. The only people who knew that he was adopted by his grandmother were him, his birth mother and his grandmother. They sent her away at the time to have him and she gave up all rights to him at that time.

His real brothers and sisters, thought he was their uncle. His aunts and uncles thought he was their brother - it really messed with his head and his life was very difficult at home and at family gatherings and events. He said he wished more than anything that he was adopted out of his family as opposed to within it. He had to pretend that his mother was his sister for his whole life and at the age of 30, I believe this is still the case.

Just something to think about I suppose - how would you feel about pretending that your own child was your cousin for their life, or even childhood until they eventually found out?

I'm not sure how relevant this is in the modern world to be honest.
In the 60s and 70s interfamily adoptions were extremely rare- and indeed society's attitude towards both adopted people but also their birth mothers were very very different. Single mothers were ostracised in their communities, most likely without jobs, and until 1974 unable to even claim children's welfare benefit on behalf of their children.

Without taking away from what your friend experienced- there is absolutely nothing to say that he/she would have been any happier were they adopted by strangers in a closed adoption.

Adoption was seen as a dirty family secret, however the social workers were insistent that the child be aware at all times that they were adopted. This led in many cases to serious inferiority complexes among adopted children- who often felt jealous of natural children their adoptive parents had, angry towards their birthmums, and obliged to hide their adoption towards the world at large.

Times have thankfully become more enlightened- but past experiences have scarred many many people.

I would not allow people's experiences from 30 odd years ago colour someone's decision today- the two situations are incomparable, and while its entirely understandable why people would draw comparisons between the two- it really isn't fair to do so.

OP- feel free to cross post in the adoption forum- there are a number of birthmothers, adopted people and indeed agencies and social workers from around the country who occasionally post there.

With kind regards,

SMcCarrick

dhorgan3

Ok my gf was in ur situation a year and a half ago. She was a first year in college. I was in my last year. after thinking hard about it we decided we would keep our baby. That is until she told her parents. Her dad tried to make the decision for her. i.e. abortion. Any how, our girl is now one and we are as happy as ever. whatever decision u do take. That is u and ur bf decision not anyone elses. just remmber anything is poosible. Best of luck.

Eastofeden

i really think you have to be careful with this one. i was 17 when i had my daughter. at the time i felt the same as you, i had plans wanted to go to college, wanted to travel etc. I considered all the options, abortion adoption. I couldnt go with with adoption as i just could not bare the thought of knowing that my son or daughter was somewhere in the country and I knew nothing about them. Abortion was very seriously thought about but myself and my partner backed out at the last minute. (literally).. It was the best decision we ever made not to go ahead with the abortion. we knew it would be hard, money would be tight etc but we thought that we could give our baby a loving home and thought that we were very capable of becoming parents. I have sacrificed my plans of travelling the world but I am now at college studying to be a social worker. I really think you should think this through as the thought that we were so close to aborting our baby haunts me and my partner to this day. We cant believe that we even considered it. the child is the best thing that ever happened to us and if you had your baby the chances are that you and your partner will feel the exact same way.
I'm sorry for the long post but i thought by tellin my story and how having a baby at only 17 can turn out to be a great thing.
best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Hello,

I was adopted from birth by my moster's sister and her husband (ie my aunt) so feel I am somewhat qualified to post.

I am aged 25 now, and since the age of 17 I have struggled immensly with the facts surrounding my upbringing. Leaving aside all feelings of inferiority that occured throughout my childhood, once I hit 17 I began to turn away from my natural mother (ie didn't want her as an influence in my life) and just concentrated on the fact that my parents were the ones who raised me.

In a family situation, where you see people at every wedding/funeral/easter etc this can quickly become a massive elephant in the room and a millstone around the neck. It has indirectly led to me making myself more distant from my immediate family, and i personally believe contributed to a fairly unhealthy drink/drugs problem in myself.

My own personal opinion is that it was an extremely selfish thing for my natural mother to arrange the adoption within family. To give a child the best start in life you have to give them as clean a slate as possible, without any surrounding complicated issues. In 18 years time (or maybe less) your child may want to contact you, but to place a child in the situation where they are immediatly saddled with a confusing and complicated situation is a really selfish option, no matter how great your aunt would be.