Out of sight and mind?

LegacyUser

I'm with my BF a year. Living together now the last 4 months. I've gone to my sister's house for the next few days because he told me during the week he'd be working all weekend and I decided I didn't want to be on my own so a bit of time with her and the kids will be nice. He let slip yesterday while I was getting my suitcase ready for the next few days that he isn't working tonight until 9 pm (so he'd have had all day today to himself) And he's off tomorrow and the next two days after that.. I know for a fact one of his friends is back in Dublin because she sent him a bebo comment a few days ago to say she was looking forward so much to seeing him, she also rang him the other day and he left the room to talk. There was a bit of history there. She fancied him for years and went off to live in the UK to go to college. She's back now for a weekend with her girlfriends and is staying near his house in a hotel down the road..

Call me paranoid but I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning. I've tried calling him twice but no answer then he turned his phone off. Sent a message this morning too. Nothing. I'm going mad.

Wibbs

OK now before you get the possible "you're being paranoid" replies, I can well understand your concern given the situation. If you can try and step back from this for a moment. Worrying about it until you see him again won't help. Yes it's easy to do, but try not to.

Keep your powder dry and wait and see what's what. there are any number of innocent reasons you can't contact him. Indeed if he was going to cheat I would have thought ringing or texting you once or twice would have taken suspicion off him.

I would wait and see. When you do contact again, don't sit him down break out the thumbscrews and shine a light in his eyes. If it is innocent he'll be rightly irritated, if it's not he'll just clam up and deny it anyway.

You know your boyfriend better than anyone here. If you know him and up to now have trusted him, then trust him now until proven otherwise.

You can tie yourself up in knots over this stuff, but lets say worst case scenario? it isn't innocent and you dump him over this. You kept your head and your self respect and didn't freak.

LegacyUser

I am waiting on some sort of response. I will be happy as larry to hear from him of course, and when he does ring i'll just talk about my day. But because we haven't really ever been out of contact like this before (my reason for worrying) I am just very on edge at the moment... His phone's still off. I sent a message with just "x" as a kiss thing to just see if it would deliver but it didn't. So naturally i'm going mental still.. I would like to think that he's either misplaced his phone or gone and put it in the washing machine or something (he has done that before..)

I don't know how to occupy my mind right now. Being around sensitive people isn't really the best either. All friends coupled up so with their other halves tonight, can't go anyplace else. Needless to say I'm feeling like an awkward mess!

Lollipops23

id be a bit concerned-he seems to have lied to you about his weekend?would you have objected to his plans if he had told you about them?it may be that he really wanted to meet up with his mate(innocently!) and thought you'd go nuts. He shouldn't have lied though. And the not answering his phone or texts would really bug me.

jessbeth

I would be a bit concerned too to be honest. To be completely honest it would be wrecking my head. There might be a reasonable explaination but firstly he lied about working all weekend and then the ex is ringing him. I wouldn't jump to conclusions though. He might have just wanted to go on a bender with the lads and didn't know what to say to you about it. Guys can be weird like that sometimes. He might have thought you wouldn't be cool with it or something. Try and distract yourself and have fun and if it turns out that he was with the girl get rid of him.

lallybaby

Mayb he jus wantd sum time 2 himself n d fact that his friend is bac in town is jus a coincidence.if this is the case then he should hav told u it was purely for sum "me" time.
n evn if he wantd 2 meet up with this friend he should hav told u.id b more mad that he felt the need 2 lie 2 u rathr than the fact he was meetin her.im guessin that he has sed enouf in the past bout this grl 2 make u worried bt i dnt think u should call r txt him again til he gets bac in contact with you.ur persistance will prob push him furthr away n its only makin u miserable.
id say if u trust him then completely 4get bout him n hav a gr8 girly wknd:Dn if u dnt trust him then its not a very healthy relationship 4 u 2 b in n ull only continue to become more miserable.u should think bout y u dnt trust him.

LolaLuv

It would be wrecking my head as well. There's not much you can do about it at this point, though. He's either cheating on you or isn't and your worrying won't change the outcome. I guess I would spend the weekend bracing myself for the worst and hoping for the best and wait until you talk to him. Also, I'd probably go on a bender for some adventure and to get my mind off it and maybe engage in a little harmless flirting to remind myself that there's a whole world of men out there. Just don't take your phone!

LegacyUser

He's in work tonight so no chances of a bender at all. I'm so paranoid thinking he could have taken the whole day off and gone off with her now... Getting much more worried now he's never gone a full day like this before without contacting me. I'm wondering what to be thinking.

Abi

Firstly, I dont think you are being paranoid. It would give most women a niggling doubt at the back of their mind.

Did you happen to ask him about the bebo comment? Again Id be careful how you ask about it. A lot women would feel threatened by it, but if hes open about it then theres nothing to hide.

No point worrying over this though. You are just going to have to sit this out, and trust him.

Wibbs

lallybaby text speak is not welcome anywhere on Boards. It does your advice no service either as it makes even the most intelligent poster read like a 12 year old kid. Please use your full keyboard in future. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I didn't say anything about the bebo comment. I decided I'd keep the insecurity to myself because highlighting it would have caused friction. To be honest I had totally forgotten about it as I didn't consider it an issue at all. Now I am searching every possibility. Somehow I'm thinking I'm not wrong in my suspicions. We're almost rarely apart but if we are we're in contact every so often, a prime example is when he went to visit family in England for an anniversary party he rang me twice a day. Now suddenly I don't hear from him and we're barely an hour's drive apart.

I'm starting to think incessantly now and I don't know how to take my mind off this all.

MagicMarker

lallybaby wrote: »

Mayb he jus wantd sum time 2 himself n d fact that his friend is bac in town is jus a coincidence.if this is the case then he should hav told u it was purely for sum "me" time.
n evn if he wantd 2 meet up with this friend he should hav told u.id b more mad that he felt the need 2 lie 2 u rathr than the fact he was meetin her.im guessin that he has sed enouf in the past bout this grl 2 make u worried bt i dnt think u should call r txt him again til he gets bac in contact with you.ur persistance will prob push him furthr away n its only makin u miserable.
id say if u trust him then completely 4get bout him n hav a gr8 girly wknd:Dn if u dnt trust him then its not a very healthy relationship 4 u 2 b in n ull only continue to become more miserable.u should think bout y u dnt trust him.

and now my eyes are bleeding.

OP, why are you sitting in your sisters house worrying about this?

Go home ffs!! Say you forgot something, anything! It doesn't matter, sitting around isn't helping you.

hellodolly

I understand you're worried pet, i probably would be too... but calm down. If he's at work tonight, maybe he's run off his feet and/or his phone ringing and bleeping annoyed his boss so he had to switch if off. He'll get your messages once he can turn his phone on again.

I would probably feel a bit jealous too if i knew he was meeting up with a female friend. However, plenty of people have friends of the opposite sex who never end up in bed with each other (i should know, i know lots of men but i haven't had carnal knowledge for flippin' ages )

Don't presume the worst... it hasn't happened yet!!!

LegacyUser

In response to above post, thank you for advising me to go over, and I would do this but I just don't feel like I should have to head back to the house to try settle my mind. I doubt if he were cheating that he would be doing so on our bed.. I'm feeling like I should not even have to do that because he could be considerate enough to get in touch with me by now, seeing as I made attempts to contact him and he didn't even acknowledge it.

I'm going to wait about and see what happens. Still no contact as of now 23:20.

I'm hoping he has a very good excuse for this.

CDfm

A quick question -you can start as thread on it yet wont pick up the phone and call him or text him?

From your posts he is the one that contacted you on previous occasions -Am I missing something -is this an unwritten rule? Surely you have equal responsibilityto contact him -maybe he is ill or something?

Zaph

CDfm wrote: »

A quick question -you can start as thread on it yet wont pick up the phone and call him or text him?

From your posts he is the one that contacted you on previous occasions -Am I missing something -is this an unwritten rule? Surely you have equal responsibilityto contact him -maybe he is ill or something?

The OP has already said that she's both called and texted him but his phone is turned off.

CDfm

Zaph wrote: »

The OP has already said that she's both called and texted him but his phone is turned off.

But she knows where he works and could contact him there

challengemaster

Did you even read the post? He's off work

LegacyUser

Hello and thank you for the replies, I constructed a response but the connection timed out and I don't know if it went through as I can't see it posted. However, it basically was saying that I had made my attempts to contact him today, as usually do when apart keep in touch via text message and odd phone call, referring to the trip to England he took to visit his family he rang plenty of times in response to my texts and calls.

I'd prefer to not have to chase him at his job when I should be able to contact him via his personal number. His phone still has not been turned on. Again, thank you for the responses, the support means a lot to me.

CDfm

Contacting some at their job is allowed.If only to see if he is alright and not stuck home ill or after having an accident.

Queen-Mise

mind yourself op. now sure what kind of resolution you are going to get from this. are you still even going to know whether he was telling the truth or not, if he then tells you he was working.

good question, does he usually contact you from work. OR could it be something as simple, as he forgot to bring his phone charger in.

LegacyUser

Hello guys thanks again for the replies, there's still been no contact at all and I haven't made any attempts to call.


So I'm guessing at this stage that something must be wrong. I'm going to ask him what happened if he does ring. If he doesn't... Well I don't know...

MagicMarker

reasonabledoubt wrote: »

Hello guys thanks again for the replies, there's still been no contact at all and I haven't made any attempts to call.


So I'm guessing at this stage that something must be wrong. I'm going to ask him what happened if he does ring. If he doesn't... Well I don't know...

FFS get off your arse and go home!!!

Seriously, it boggles the mind. You think he's cheating on you yet you're sitting by the phone, posting on boards when you could actually be doing something about it!!! It's not like going home will ruin the few days at your sisters because it doesn't exactly sound like you're having much fun. At least if you go home you'll know if he's there or not.

LegacyUser

Kids and sister gone out to a shopping centre nearby. So i'm here on my own.

I see your point but what's the point in going back to an empty house? There really wouldn't be much of a point, he wouldn't cheat in our house if he was going to.. There are pictures of us everywhere. I don't think he's there either. This person who sent that bebo comment has a hotel room nearby so if it were a case of him going through with it I would say it'd be there. He wouldn't be that stupid.

I keep thinking he probably just wants his own space. So many other possibilities negate that one. I'll update when/if I've heard something back. At this point I just want a reason.

Aprilsunshine

reasonabledoubt wrote: »

I keep thinking he probably just wants his own space. So many other possibilities negate that one. I'll update when/if I've heard something back. At this point I just want a reason.

Are you not worried that something else has happened? An accident?

Not to alarm or anything but has that crossed your mind? At this stage I'd be calling police stations!!

Toots

I'm with MagicMarker on this one, you should pop round to the house and see if he's there. You're torturing yourself sitting there on your own. I'm not suggesting he's cheating in your house, but if you go home and he's sitting there watching TV, he'd want to have a damn good excuse why he's had his phone off and hasn't contacted you for so long.

Also, if he's working tonight, maybe try ringing his work. If he asks why, just say you were concerned that you hadn't heard from him and just wanted to make sure he's ok. Make sure you're calm and that it comes across that you're calling out of genuine concern for him, not to check what he's up to. When you ring, if they tell you he's not at work, then you know something's up. If he is there and it turns out that he lost his phone or broke it or something, you'll just come over as a caring girlfriend.

Lexie_Karas

Is there any chance that something could have happened?? I really don't want to cause worry here but if my bf became uncontactable for that amount of time I'd worry that something had happened?

Even if he wanted alone time to himself or even if (even though he wouldn't) he was cheating... he wouldn't leave me to worry by not giving me some sort of idea (or excuse as to what he was doing). Surely if your bf is messing around with this girl he'd have texted you or called you yesterday just to keep you from getting suspicious. And if he wanted a couple of times to himself, with out his phone being a distraction would he not have let you know that before he turned it off??

I'm sure there is a reasonable explaination to it all but I know if things were reversed and my bf couldn't contact me I'd be unimpressed if he didn't worry about my well being at some point. Maybe going to the house to check that he hasn't fallen on the stairs and hurt himself... or wound up in A&E with appendicitis or something like would be an idea at this stage. Really don't want to make you worry, but I think checking in at home would be more about seeing if he's ok than trying to 'catch him at it' there.


EDIT : Just realised April Sunshine just said this while I was only typing it... lol! Sorry.

MagicMarker

reasonabledoubt wrote: »

I see your point but what's the point in going back to an empty house? There really wouldn't be much of a point, he wouldn't cheat in our house if he was going to.. There are pictures of us everywhere.

Yeah, banging a girl in your house would just be too inconsiderate. He's too nice to do that, much more thoughtful of him to do it in her hotel room.

TBH, I wouldn't be surprised if he's sitting at home in his underwear watching Seagal movies and eating pizza, joyful of the fact that he's without the ball and chain for a few days. If that's the case, you can pop in for 2 minutes, say you forgot your toothbrush or something and then leave with a weight lifted from your shoulders.

But you'll never know, because you'd rather post about it on boards.

MadelineNYC

If my OH were going away for the weekend and I were planning to cheat, the last thing I would do is turn off my phone. In fact, I'd be sure to call my OH, keeping my habits as close to normal as possible.

OP, you say this is different than the way he usually is. He usually calls you, texts you and leaves the phone on. If it is indeed not his normal way of doing things I'd be more inclined to think that he is having phone problems: broken or lost phone, broken charger, forgot to pay his bill etc. There's also the off chance he is ill. I think that gives you a perfectly valid reason to CALMLY check on him. (through his work/friends/family)

I don't think you would look paranoid doing that since the lack of contact is abnormal for this guy. Just phrase it in a way that shows you are concerned, not mistrustful.

LegacyUser

Message delivered. I rang up. He said he was working flat out. Asked why I didn't hear from him. I didn't get an apology or anything except that he ended up working longer than expected. Mid conversation I said I love you. He said ''see you when you come back''. He took the call out in the porch. I could hear the door and wind chimes. He's waiting on his brother and wife to collect him now to go to his place then on to the pub. I'll have to see what he has to say about all of this when I go back in a few days.

I still have my doubts.


Thank you for the replies.

Harris

Oh God. Dropping an "I love you" into the conversation when he is obviously tired and under pressure. What did you expect him to say???
And why did he take the call in the porch? Was he outside having a smoke or was he watching out for his lift? (Or was there someone in the house)??
Maybe there are perfectly legit reasons for all of this but I still think you should have gone home. You say you are not going for a few days. I know where I would be this very second.

Aprilsunshine

Harris wrote: »

And why did he take the call in the porch? Was he outside having a smoke or was he watching out for his lift? (Or was there someone in the house)??

hmmmm that is suspicious. In any case he is treating you poorly so you need a chat. It's not fair to keep you worried like that.

Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

I would go back home asap (you don´t need to let him know, as his telephone is off..) That would make you feel better, because there may be a good reason why his telephone is off. 90% chances, that everything's good, 10% that you may get a not very nice surprise. You guys are not that long together, in these types of situations is when you know your partner (observe his reaction).

If you see that there is no reason to worry, I would tell him not to do that again (nicely, no nagging!) and say you were a bit worried for him (but don´t mention his friends, girls or going out, because he'd tag you as a jelous person..).

good luck, hope you'll b alright

LegacyUser

I went home. He didn't come home last night. He's still not home. I took the morning off work. I'm going in after lunchtime.


I know where the story goes from here. The paranoia didn't seem so much of a bad idea afterall.

And the funny thing is that on the image verification in order to post this, the words "We Settled" are there. Great. Today is going to be GREAT.

LolaLuv

Really sorry to hear about all this. There's not much anyone could say that would be comforting right now, but you will get through it. Go easy on yourself for the next while and let yourself feel all the necessary emotions. You'll find strength you didn't know you had.

jessbeth

reasonabledoubt wrote: »

I went home. He didn't come home last night. He's still not home. I took the morning off work. I'm going in after lunchtime.


I know where the story goes from here. The paranoia didn't seem so much of a bad idea afterall.

And the funny thing is that on the image verification in order to post this, the words "We Settled" are there. Great. Today is going to be GREAT.

Hi OP sorry to hear that. I was hoping for you that he would turn up and that it would have all been some crazy misunderstanding. It looks like your instincts were right. Whether he was with the other girl or whether he just needs space then you guys definitely need a long talk. I hope you'll be OK!

Evil-p

wow, i doubt he can come up with a good excuse for this! There is not much point to a relationship without trust but how can you trust him when he falls off the edge of the earth when you are not there with him.

Good luck with this, i feel awful for you!!

Das Kitty

Ah Christ, this sucks.

If it is what it seems like it's pretty cowardly.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

Femelade

aw that's crap...

what's he playing at..?

have you tried ringing him since he didnt come home?

Dublin_Gunner

Well, from reading the original post, I have to say all indications were there was something going on.

1. You knew she was looking forward to seeing him (i.e there WERE meeting up)

2. You decided to feck off to your sisters, leaving him free reign to go and do what he likes without you ever knowing he wouldn't be home - big mistake.

3. You went home, and he hadn't been back.......

4. You couldn't get through to his phone, then he turned it off.... eh, am I missing something here, or is his job that archaic thatthey dont have a phone there??????? Surely not being able to get him on his mobile justifies a call to his place of work. Is it far? You could drop by, because er, you were 'worried'.

You're not being very clever about this. You need to find out what he's doing, as there are genuine causes for concern, as you've outlined.

If he's a security guard or something, maybe he has been working all night, and you are being paranoid, but in my opinion there are too many things adding up to not a very nice sum at the end.....

I know others have suggested what I said above, but you need to find out.

How about swinging by the hotel when on a 'walk'

Craft25

It sounds so fishy i'm sorry to say.. "a hotel around the corner".. c'mon..

If someone from my past came back to catch up with me, the first thing i'd do is introduce them to my partner!!

guilt can't be proven online, and you may never even get definitive answers.. but you sure do need to talk.. to be as ragged and torn as you've been for days in a row is no state to be in

best of luck hun

Dolbert

Sorry to hear that OP. Best of luck and I hope today isn't too awful for you.

MadelineNYC

I'm trying to come up with other explanations besides the worst case scenario which I'm sure you've running through your mind:

Do the girl and he have old friends in common? Could they have all gone out clubbing or drinking as a group, maybe somewhere not close to your home and he spent the night on another friend's sofa to sleep it off? Could he have gone to visit HIS relatives and spent the night? Could he have gone out with some male friends for a wild drunk night and stayed on THEIR sofa? These are all possibilities. Maybe he figured that since you were gone anyway he might as well have some "guy" fun..and I *don't* mean sex.

The other scenario of meeting the girl for a fling at her nearby hotel (and you know about her staying there,) sounds too obvious. It seems like he would have taken pains to keep everything hidden if that's what he was up to. It's certainly a possibility..I'm just suggesting that until you figure out exactly what's going on you keep your mind open to other scenarios that might be just as real.

I really hope it's NOT what you fear it is....be strong.

LegacyUser

I am a 30 year old guy

This bloke needs to be dumped asap....find someone nice!
I would NEVER do something like what he has done.

No doubt he'll get away with it though

carlybabe1

Unregistered wrote: »

He's in work tonight so no chances of a bender at all. I'm so paranoid thinking he could have taken the whole day off and gone off with her now... Getting much more worried now he's never gone a full day like this before without contacting me. I'm wondering what to be thinking.

Not to throw a spanner in the works, but are you 100% sure he's working? the switched off phone thing would do my nut in, and why did you not stay at home/why did you not go home when you couldn't make contact him

Lollipops23

It don't sound good tbh. i'd be having a serious chat-also,having been in a similar situation before i'd say trust your gut on this one.

LegacyUser

Hang on a minute... he was heading out to the pub with his brother and brother's wife, and OP was supposed to be staying away for a few days anyway. So no big surprise if he crashed at the brother's house surely? This is hardly proof that he is doing the dirty or am I missing something?

CDfm

I agree with unregistered guest - your all winding the poor OP up.The guy could be out for a few days and dropped his phone down the toilet or something.

By the time he surfaces OP will be so paranoid and accuse him of allsorts.

I wouldnt like to be in court with the posters here on the jury.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Hang on a minute... he was heading out to the pub with his brother and brother's wife, and OP was supposed to be staying away for a few days anyway. So no big surprise if he crashed at the brother's house surely? This is hardly proof that he is doing the dirty or am I missing something?

Evidently you're missing quite a lot.

He (supposedly) met up with his brother and wife 2 days AFTER no contact. A girl who liked him is staying in a hotel up the road, they had made plans together and he's being secretive when answering the phone.

Doesn't take a genius to put 2 and 2 together, whether it's happening or not is irrelevant, the evidence is overwhelming and therefore any paranoia is justified imo.

IRISH RAIL

give him a call and ask him how staying at home on his own went.
wait for the answer if he says he wasnt there but stayed in his brothers then you have nothing to worry about but I think he will say oh I was so tired i slept all night etc
op I am sorry but I do think something bad is going on here and the only way for you to find out is turn detective.
sitting at your sisters was a bad idea. i know you are home now maybe try and meet him when he finishes work see if he tries to head off somewhere else or has he even been in work perhaps he has taken a few days off work to see this girl. maybe check out the bar in the hotel.
It all sounds a bit ott but its worth it to put your mind at rest.

Femelade

were you due home on monday? does he know you were there monday night on your own? or was he not expecting you back until tuesday?