Mother hard to talk to

LegacyUser

My mother is very hard to deal with. Her and my father fight all the time. She comes from a family where she was constantly criticized and often ignored. Now because she was criticized often she now hates any type of criticism. No matter if it is just talking about something no matter how small. She thinks she is being judged. So when she does something wrong she has 2 reactions 1) She wont be criticized or 'judged' as she calls it. or 2) She feels really guilty so you tell her not to worry and you end up taking her side

She has her own problems and doesn't really listen to anyone often even on a superficial level. When i was younger she would tell me all her childhood/marriage problems. I think that because i was so young i couldn't judge. She is also herself very critical and sometimes nasty. She would snipe about things Instead of getting onto you directly. She wouldn't really talk to you about things but instead try to embarrass you. She can be very nasty and often when i was younger would roar at me to the point where she was almost ballistic or hysterical. When her and my father had an argument she would turn to me for comfort even though i used to think he was in the right. So i was sort of manipulated into being on 'her' side. When i was growing up she would have been over protective of me. if a teacher was critical of me she would get onto them. When i was younger i had a lot of problems but she took no notice.In fact she would use my problems against me.

The reason i am making this post is

a) I have a lot of problems now that i am older

b)now that i am older i have a lot of problems. And I am turning to be just like her (i am a male) the same way that she is just like her own mother

Beruthiel

Get the book "My Mother, Myself" by Nancy Friday. It may help you see thinks more clearly.

Miacc

That's tough. Most families aren't perfect, and you may be surprised by some seemingly 'fine' relationships.

But you do not have to become like your mother.

Have you thought about going to talk to someone about these issues and how they're affecting you - for ex, a good family therapist (who could meet with you on your own first) or an analytical hypno-psychotherapist (to address some of the patterns you say you feel are becomming you). ?

I've just looked up that book and read a quick review - it seems the author takes a very deterministic attitude in the book, which may not be helpful for you. The book also appears to be written very much from a woman's perspective. - It can't hurt to have a look, it may be a great book, and give you great insights, so please dont let me put you off looking into that - but those are just 2 points about it i felt may be relevant for you to bear in mind.

Sorry about the long post here - i would probably go beyond the book if i were you, by looking into therapy with a good interpersonal-type therapist as suggested, - though my own personal experience and ongoing thought about similar issues that you discussed here, i really believe that where a problem originates in a certain way (e.g. in a close relationship/lack of or bad examples) it's best fixed in the same way -

the problem is not intellectual (as is clear by your post) and you appear to have processed all of these memories at an intellectual level - it's the emotional/interpersonal impact that needs help to heal, which is why a book may not do the trick..

hope this is of some help. You seem to have gotten a good distance through some understanding of it already and wish you the best of luck.