Boyfriend is embarrassed to be seen with me, depressed

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I are in college together. Anyway, today we had an argument and he told me that he is embarrassed to be seen with me because I am fat. He said that he feels like people on the street look at us together and wonder what on earth he is doing with someone like me. Of course that really hurt, I have cried so much this evening I feel like I've nothing left in me, and my eyes are aching.
Yes, I am a bit overweight, I've gone up a dress size since we got together nearly two years ago. Yes, I would like to lose this weight. I have struggled with weight issues for years, and he knows this. I started making myself vomit when I was 14, and over the last eight years my weight has fluctuated, but I am probably at my heaviest now. I have gone to counselling sometimes, but it has never helped more than short term. I was put on antidepressants a year after I started college and I don't get the same panic about food as I used to, which has probably contributed to me putting on weight.
I've tried starting counselling again, I've only been to one session so far though because the waiting lists in college are so long. I have also started going to the gym and eating less, but not long enough yet to see any real results. I just feel like I'm going to gradually put on weight forever, I don't know how I'm going to lose it because I haven't seen any change yet from the gym. I'm trying to get on top of my college work and get regular sleep and everything, but I just feel like I'm slipping. I spent most of Sunday in bed, hiding from the world. So really my boyfriend isn't the main problem I suppose, but comments like his really do not help. Even if there is some truth to it. I don't know what I should do, I just feel like such a failure in every possible way

TPD

Erm, surely you mean ex-boyfriend, right?

A positive attitude will help as much as the gym and diet, and you clearly aren't getting that from your boyfriend. More like a boyfoe really.

Vain

Dump him anyone that treats someone like that doesn't deserve a relationship. As for your weight ask in the gym for the best workout/diet for you.

Stheno

TPD wrote: »

Erm, surely you mean ex-boyfriend, right?

A positive attitude will help as much as the gym and diet, and you clearly aren't getting that from your boyfriend. More like a boyfoe really.

+1 anyone who behaves like that towards their partner is not someone interested in a loving relationship imo.

yes appearance is important, but far more so imo, is knowing the person you are with and understanding them.

sassa

No offence but if I were you I'd lose the boyfriend. 2 years and he'd say something like that he's not worth having around. stick with the counselling because you should be happy in your own skin, it's easier said than done I know. You say your boyfriend isn't the main problem but if he hadn't said what he did would you feel so bad about yourself? He should be supporting you and he could have been a bit more tactful if he felt the need to say something about your weight. and don't eat less just eat things that are better for you, if you end up starving yourself it's just gonna open up more problems.

abouttobebanned

Sometimes these personal issues threads are so boring. Some starts a thread, knowing full well what kind of answers he/she is going to get...but does it anyway. People reply thinking that they're so superior and then give the Clare Rayner answer.

Here's the only answer that matters. Forget about the boyfriend...I'm not saying dump him..he may love you and you may love him. And just cause he thinks you're fat doesn't mean he's any less of a loving boyfriend...let's face it, he could just dump your ass...worse still...he could say you're pretty..and then sleep with someone else.

You need to start doing something about your weight problems and stop convincing yourself that it's all in the mind. You know how to lose weight, eat less and exercise more. Don't eat the things your boyfriend eats, don't eat when you're sad. Make the time, lose the weight, feel better about yourself and then tell your boyfriend that he's a bit fat and could do with shaping up.

Seriously, what good is all these do-gooders telling you to dump your boyfriend doing? Then you'll be fat and single.

You know what you need to do...moaning online and trying to blame other factors is not it.

MizzLolly

Get rid of your boyfriend OP. What he's done is cruel and nasty. You don't need that in your life.


Best of luck with the new healthy lifestyle and stick at the counselling until you learn that you deserve so much better than this treatment.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel like such a failure in every possible way

Considering what you've said above, I can only see one way that you've failed, and I'll get to that in a sec.

You've mentioned that you've had weight issues, and recognising that is the first step (although going up a single dress size in 2 years is hardly panic time). So work away on doing something about that - but FOR YOU.

Re the single way that you've failed : it's in choosing a decent boyfriend.

dudara

He sounds like he's still a kid. Let him be single so he can pick up the skinny idiots he clearly desires.

Good luck to you with the gym and weight loss. Check out the Diet & Nutrition and Fitness forums if you want.

abouttobebanned

And Mizzlolly...do you believe in the tooth fairy? How is doing anything that you reccommend going to better her life? It will make her single, miserable, fat, and skint from all the money she's spending on therapy.

Seriously people, before you roll out all the typical home and away responses, try and think for a second...maybe realistically put yourself in her place.

"Oh I'd dump his ass" Would ya? Really? Has there anything your boyfriend has done that you have forgiven him for? because you know of all the million great things that he's done...but if you came on here and posted that one bad thing he did, everyone would tell you to dump him...

TPD

abouttobebanned wrote: »

...

A bit of tact doesn't go amiss when you're talking to someone who is clearly upset.

Edit: And I'll risk the ban, but being a d!ck doesn't help either.

abouttobebanned

Tact and hugs is not going to help her.

Liam Byrne

I can see where you're coming from, "abouttobebanned" (EDIT: that's with the earlier post - #10 - not the one immediately above), and there are lots of times that I would agree (having "overlooked" a lot of odd behaviour and rule comments/behaviour from an OH in the past).

But a comment like that to someone who's previously had weight issues and made themselves throw up is dire and pretty much unforgiveable.

dudara

Posters, behave

If you cannot make a valid contribution to a thread, then please do not post.

Please read the charter with regard to posting in this forum.

Anyone who continues will face an immediate ban.

dudara

abouttobebanned

<snip> As we cross-posted, consider this your final warning if you continue in this vein.

dudara

LegacyUser

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Sometimes these personal issues threads are so boring. Some starts a thread, knowing full well what kind of answers he/she is going to get...but does it anyway. People reply thinking that they're so superior and then give the Clare Rayner answer.

Here's the only answer that matters. Forget about the boyfriend...I'm not saying dump him..he may love you and you may love him. And just cause he thinks you're fat doesn't mean he's any less of a loving boyfriend...let's face it, he could just dump your ass...worse still...he could say you're pretty..and then sleep with someone else.

You need to start doing something about your weight problems and stop convincing yourself that it's all in the mind. You know how to lose weight, eat less and exercise more. Don't eat the things your boyfriend eats, don't eat when you're sad. Make the time, lose the weight, feel better about yourself and then tell your boyfriend that he's a bit fat and could do with shaping up.

Seriously, what good is all these do-gooders telling you to dump your boyfriend doing? Then you'll be fat and single.

You know what you need to do...moaning online and trying to blame other factors is not it.

Are you having a laugh? There is a reason why everyone here is telling this girl to dump this guy. It's not as if he mentioned to her that he would like her to lose weight, he said it in an extremely nasty and malicious way. Yeah if she dumps him she will be single but better to be single than staying with someone who treats you like crap just becasue you are afraid to be single!! Your logic is messed up.

OP, I do agree with ppl advising you to lose the weight. Do it for yourself though. Kepp going to the gym and eating healthily, you will see results!!! And I think you should keep up with the counselling, it can be overwhelming when you have stress at college, and with the self-image issues and you don't need a jackass of a bf bringing you down further. Take some 'me time' concentrate on making yourself feel better about yourself, it might not happen overnight but if you keep positive, keep with the counselling and keep with your gym programme you will be successful.

Thats just my 2c on the issue anyway. I wish u loads of luck!!

Talliesin

Low self-esteem -> Dating assholes.
Dating assholes -> Low self-esteem.

Break the cycle.

implausible

OP, someone who truly loved you wouldn't even think that, never mind say it. He is aware of your struggles and still chooses to say something so hurtful, devastating and cruel to you. If he were acting out of concern (and I doubt it), he should be helping you with your weight problems, not putting you down.

You do NOT deserve this treatment from anyone and should not put up with it. He sounds cruel, tactless and immature. Get rid of him and then work on you.

Good luck.

abouttobebanned

Maybe I was giving the boyfriend a little too much credit...but i would like the OP to come back and tell us how she feels about him.

g5fd6ow0hseima

Not really, wake-up calls are sometimes necessary. I admire his honesty.

deadhead13

abouttobebanned wrote: »

And Mizzlolly...do you believe in the tooth fairy? How is doing anything that you reccommend going to better her life? It will make her single, miserable, fat, and skint from all the money she's spending on therapy.

Seriously people, before you roll out all the typical home and away responses, try and think for a second...maybe realistically put yourself in her place.

"Oh I'd dump his ass" Would ya? Really? Has there anything your boyfriend has done that you have forgiven him for? because you know of all the million great things that he's done...but if you came on here and posted that one bad thing he did, everyone would tell you to dump him...

I'd dump you in a heartbeat.

MagicMarker

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Maybe I was giving the boyfriend a little too much credit...but i would like the OP to come back and tell us how she feels about him.

Just because she may love him doesn't make him any less of an inconsiderate asshole. Christ sake, if we all stayed with someone just because we loved them then the world would be in the shítter!

The simple fact is sometimes the people you love are no good for you.

Any so called man that would say something like this in the manner he did obviously hasn't an ounce of respect for someone they supposedly love! ESPECIALLY when it is aimed at someone who has a history of eating disorders and depression FFS!

Anyone who thinks it was a case of ''tough love'' is warped tbh. It's a form of abuse if anything.

MadgeBadge

My last boyfriend was a very handsome gentleman. He did however develop a mullet throughout the course of our relationship. I certainly did not want to be seen parading around with him and his hill-billy hair. So I tactfully mentioned that I found mullets seriously unattractive, he did something about it, and we lived happily ever after....for a while.

Anyway, if your boyfriend loves you and wants to stay with you, perhaps he needed to express he finds excess weight unattractive. That's not to say that he couldn't have put it more tactfully and with some sort of consideration to you current state of depression. But often people are tactless, and thoughtless. It doesn't necessarily means he doesn't love you, it means he's a goon who doesn't know how to handle the situation.

Or so I think.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend and I are in college together. Anyway, today we had an argument and he told me that he is embarrassed to be seen with me because I am fat. He said that he feels like people on the street look at us together and wonder what on earth he is doing with someone like me. Of course that really hurt, I have cried so much this evening I feel like I've nothing left in me, and my eyes are aching.
Yes, I am a bit overweight, I've gone up a dress size since we got together nearly two years ago. Yes, I would like to lose this weight. I have struggled with weight issues for years, and he knows this. I started making myself vomit when I was 14, and over the last eight years my weight has fluctuated, but I am probably at my heaviest now. I have gone to counselling sometimes, but it has never helped more than short term. I was put on antidepressants a year after I started college and I don't get the same panic about food as I used to, which has probably contributed to me putting on weight.
I've tried starting counselling again, I've only been to one session so far though because the waiting lists in college are so long. I have also started going to the gym and eating less, but not long enough yet to see any real results. I just feel like I'm going to gradually put on weight forever, I don't know how I'm going to lose it because I haven't seen any change yet from the gym. I'm trying to get on top of my college work and get regular sleep and everything, but I just feel like I'm slipping. I spent most of Sunday in bed, hiding from the world. So really my boyfriend isn't the main problem I suppose, but comments like his really do not help. Even if there is some truth to it. I don't know what I should do, I just feel like such a failure in every possible way

OK, heres the real deal.

I, nor any of my friends (who are normal college guys or normal guys I know from school and I am talking about hundreds of guys here), DO NOT want to be seen with a FAT WOMAN walking down the street.

It's harsh but true.

If you are fat, lose the weight and you will be happier. Simple as that.

You will find some guys who are willing to walk down the street with you but the majority of us wouldn't. It's not a nice thing but its just a fact.

I am speaking for around 95% of guys here, no matter what people say in response (which will be largely negative).

Moral of the story, lose the weight or continue getting treated like this.

LegacyUser

OP are you sure your boyfriend was being an asshole? Maybe he just spat it out what he was trying to say in a bad way but wasnt trying to be hateful? He might feel bad now.

We cant just judge the guy on this or tell the op to dump him

vorbis

Hmm, I notice a distinct difference between the responses to this thread and the previous one where a guy found out his gf cheated on him with a friend. In that one people were suggesting he give it another go as she had been remorseful.

Indeed in PI, it seems the responses in large part depend on the phrasing of the issue than the actual content of the issue. The OP's bf of TWO years has made a pretty tactless comment, he hasn't cheated or abused her.

Tbh, I'd imagine the OP has put on more than a dress size given the nature of the comment. Everyone knows women are sensitive about weight but at the end of the day if a girl I'm seeing puts on say 2 stone its going to be an issue. OP only you are responsible for your own weight. You need to ask yourself honestly just how overweight are you and what you intend to do about it. Weight loss should be for yourself so that you can feel happy about your self image.

starchild

op, your not a failure you have just put on weight

your weight is obviously having a huge negative effect on your life so this is what you need to take control of

dieticians can be a big help in showing you the right foods to eat for you but the big one is exercise , you have got to set a regular exercise schedule and stick to it, will power is the big thing, results dont happen overnight but you will begin to feel better day by day

you never mentioned alcohol in your post , this can be the biggest weight inducing factor of them all

re your boyfriend yes he made a crass insensitive comment , im not going to say dump him as you both were arguing and it may have been a heat of the moment comment. If you have been with him 2 years he may have been very supportive, no one here knows

if you wish to be with him let him know how hurt you were by it, but ask him to work with you to achieve the weight loss, i would imagine he would be happy too

littlefriend

Talliesin wrote: »

Low self-esteem -> Dating assholes.
Dating assholes -> Low self-esteem.

Break the cycle.

You may have just changed my life.

OP - he's embarrassed to be seen with you ?????- believe me you don't need to be with somebody who feels like that let alone says it. I have been up and down with weight for about ten years so I know how it feels to be heavier than you want to be. I'm 10/12 for the last year or so.
I'd say that 80% of my self esteem issues are because I have stayed with people who sound kind of like your boyfriend. Now I'm 35 and have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. You are still in college - break this cycle now or you will carry it with you for years and it will get worse as you get older.
Tell him to go fcuk himself. Get into a routine of counseling, going to the gym and studying. Once you get into it time will fly. Other people will start to notice you and come in to your life - nice people who will treat you properly. Do this as a gift to yourself. YOU ARE NOT JUST THIS GUYS GIRLFRIEND.
Once you get yourself together you will start to shine. Naturally, he'll be kicking himself then but try not to let that be your motivation.
I wish I had done what I'm suggesting you do 15 years ago because at the moment I feel like I am beyond repair. Be strong.

MagicMarker

vorbis wrote: »

Hmm, I notice a distinct difference between the responses to this thread and the previous one where a guy found out his gf cheated on him with a friend. In that one people were suggesting he give it another go as she had been remorseful.

Indeed in PI, it seems the responses in large part depend on the phrasing of the issue than the actual content of the issue. The OP's bf of TWO years has made a pretty tactless comment, he hasn't cheated or abused her.

Errr, the responses are completely different because the threads are completely different.

If he was to come on here and proclaim that's he's too embarrassed to be seen in public with his fat girlfriend, what would you say?

Wibbs

deadhead13 banned for a week for unhelpful posting

r3nu4l

Original poster, your boyfriend was insensitive, tactless and boorish. You have been together two years and from the sounds of things you have been depressed for all of that time and longer. Living with a depressed person can be very hard. You struggle to try and help that person in whatever way you can, without really being equipped to do so. Sometimes you can snap and say or do things that you really didn't want to do or say but everything comes to a head and you snap. Sometimes you try a different approach, you can feel as though perhaps your original caring, supportive role was enabling the cycle and you get ridiculous ideas about how maybe a bit of 'tough love' and 'being cruel to be kind' might kick-start a change.

Over 50% of those caring for relatives with dementia have admitted to verbal and /or physical abuse of the person they love and adore, indicating how helplessness can drive you to do things you would otherwise never do. Perhaps your boyfriend felt helpless, perhaps he's just a git. We Do Not Know.

So, onto your problems then By trying counselling you are showing that you're trying to help yourself. That means you are not a failure! By trying to go to the gym, you are not a failure. By trying to eat less, you are not a failure. All of these positive steps are part of a long road to success.

Now, going to the gym is great, it really is but here's the deal...you need to know what you are doing. Stepping on a treadmill and just running until you collapse is no good. You need a proper plan that is designed to bust fat. Even with the best fat busting plan, it can take a while to see visible results. I've heard it said that losing weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise but combine them together properly and you are onto a winner!

Visit the Nutrition and Diet forum and the Fitness forum, lurk for a while, read the Stickies, particularly (but not exclusively) the posts by g'em (I really need to sig this, I keep saying it )!!! Then ask questions

For now, reduce the following:
Breads (even wholemeal, eat less bread altogether)
Fizzy drinks (if you must have some, make it 'diet')
Chocolate, biscuits, cakes (obvious, I know)
Sugar from tea and coffee (reduce then eliminate)
Most 'Fat free' foods (most 'light', 'fat-free' foods are high in sugar)
No take-aways
No pizzas
No sauces from jars (sweet and sour etc)

Do the following:
Read those stickies on Nutrition and Diet and the Fitness forums!
Read nutrition labels on packs
Eat loads and loads of vegetables (don't like veg? blend it into soups, add pepper and spices to make it taste better)
Eat protein with every meal
Snack on small handfuls of unsalted nuts (e.g. walnuts)
Reduce portion sizes
Salt on food can help you retain water, ditch the salt
Make your own sauces
Find out what type of exercises and foods are best for:

1. raising metabolism
2. burning fat

Very best of luck to you, exercise will eventually help you to feel better as will eating well. I recently (once again) changed my eating habits and got back to exercise and I can honestly say I'm packed with energy during the day and have lost 5lb in 4 weeks. I don't have a lot to lose so I'm taking it very slowly.

Even apart from ALL I've just said, if you just take one thing on board it should be that you really are NOT a failure. As much as negative comments can hurt someone, positive comments can really help people, you have no idea if you have recently said something positive to someone or complimented someone just at the time that they really needed to hear something good about themselves. If you have helped someone even once then you are no failure.

metrovelvet

Aa friend of mine was trying to lose weight, went to the gym everyday, had a great diet, and over the course of months, even a year lost nothing. It turned out she has an auto immune issue with her thyroid, which was affecting her metabolism.

If you are doing all the right things to lose weight and nothing is happenning, see a doctor to get you the right referral. There could be a deeper underlying issue.

Disssgruntled

Just wanted to echo the sentiments of the others Posters here and wish you well.....

- The Gym thing will take lots of time and lots of effort - but you should start to see small and gradual but real results soon and can then be deservedly proud of nailing your demons a day at a time

Check out the fitness forum for good dietary advice, should really help too.....

r3nu4l

metrovelvet wrote: »

It turned out she has an auto immune issue with her thyroid, which was affecting her metabolism.

If you are doing all the right things to lose weight and nothing is happenning, see a doctor to get you the right referral. There could be a deeper underlying issue.

Indeed when making any major lifestyle changes then a doctors visit is always a good idea. In this case I would imagine that the OP has had her thyroid function tested as she indicates that she has been treated for depression...although the way in which many GPs hand out AD therapy like smarties these days, this may not be the case.

Sugar Drunk

OP, before your boyfriend made these comments were you unhappy with your weight? The reason I ask is that I once had a male friend. His girlfriend was over weight. He ended up making some comments to her that upset her but when I challenged him on it he gave me his side of it. He said she was constantly talking about being overweight, not doing anything about it, getting depressed about how she looked, talking about it more and b*tching about skinny girls. He wished she was either happy in her own skin or would do something positive to change herself and become happy.

I am not excusing what your boyfriend said - to say to someone you are supposed to love that you are ashamed to be seen with them is extremely harsh. If he was trying to encourage you to lose weight then there were a lot of more tactful ways he could have approched it. I am assuming of course that he himself looks like Johnny Depp and is at the perfect weight? If you were already starting to do things like going to the gym in order to lose weight then his comments were also badly timed as thats just going to de motivate you when you need someoen to help you be positive.

Im not going to start saying 'just dump him'. If the comments continue, thats a different story. I would sit him down and talk. I would explain that the comment was way out of order and that you wont tolerate any more like that. Maybe he needs to understand that you are trying to lose weight and that you need some positive support while you do it. I am not saying its okay for him to make that comment, its not.

However I do think that when someone's partner puts on weight, they may not find themselves as physically attracted to them, and thats fair enough. Its something that its not politically correct to admit or to say (so fair play to the male poster earlier for being honest) but isnt it better somneone is honest than to pretend?

It would be different if you were happy with your own weight but you have admitted that you are not.

Sonderval

While what the BF said is quite poor taste - indeed, breaking up material IMO, there is an aspect of this that can be mitigated via weight loss.

Losing weight is not rocket science and frankly not that hard if you really want it. Question is, do you? Or would you rather sit behind an array of easy excuses?

If so, eat proper food, do more excersize and make positive changes in your lifestyle towards achieving a slimmer frame.

LegacyUser

Diet's dont work. Keep up the gym but also if you could go to a weight watchers class once a week I thing that is your best bet for your weight issue.

On the boyfriend I think what he said was well out of order and totaly insensative.

Monkey61

Yep the boyfriend was very tactless, but he was probably at the end of his tether. Going out with a depressed person can be very emotionally draining and he probably just needed to vent.

I don't think what he said was the worst thing in the world. If the OP was an alcoholic and was upset because her boyfriend told her he was embarrassed to be seen with her when she was falling around drunk - I doubt everyone would have been so quick to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon. Instead they'd be saying "put the bottle down". The idea is the same here, except with food.

OP, what you need to do, along with the counselling, is sort your weight out.

It is obviously causing your confidence to suffer as well as your relationship so now is the time to turn it around. The main thing to fix is your diet. As was stated a few posts above, that is going to make the biggest difference. Post in the fitness forum and you'll get loads of help!

LegacyUser

OK, heres the real deal.

I, nor any of my friends (who are normal college guys or normal guys I know from school and I am talking about hundreds of guys here), DO NOT want to be seen with a FAT WOMAN walking down the street.

Yep -I 100% concur.

Its reality we are living in here, not a politically correct daydream, yes all the warm and fuzzy answers telling you to "dump him, hes a d1ck" will make you feel reassured that placing the blame on him is the way to go but sorry, its not.

You can dump him and blame everything else for being fat but its going to happen again and again with the next boyfriend, that is, if you can get one.

I totally agree with abouttobebanned as well.

We can all live in delusion and how things "should be" but that is not reality.

One of my exes developed rotton teeth due to neglect, I was mortified to be seen with him and dumped him, good enough for him, it was his own fault.

Like it or not this is the same, your weight is your responsibility. Only you can lose it.

You cant have it both ways, if he said nothing and broke it off with you/cheated on you a few months down the line you would be going mad saying "he could have told me weight was an issue"....yet if he tells you, he is called an insensitive b@stard!!!

He cant win, at the end of the day, he wants an attractive partner on his arm, he may work hard at his own appearance and feel let down that you are allowing yours to deteriorate.

Thats his right, if he is stopping fancying you, what would you prefer?

To live in ignorance with him lying to you "oh it doesnt matter how fat you are, its whats inside that counts" (biggest lie in the universe by the way) but secretly feeling embarassed and unattracted to you.

or

To tell you the harsh truth, yes its a wake up call, but after all its constructive criticism, he loves you enough to put you in the picture rather than fill you full of phoney bullsh1t.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Yep -I 100% concur.

Its reality we are living in here, not a politically correct daydream, yes all the warm and fuzzy answers telling you to "dump him, hes a d1ck" will make you feel reassured that placing the blame on him is the way to go but sorry, its not.

He IS a d1ck. His gf has an eating disorder. Did everyone else miss the part that said she THROWS UP her food? Just because she's overweight and not underweight doesn't make her disorder any less valid... would you be saying the same if her bf had said "I'm ashamed to be seen in public with you because you're skin and bones due to bulimia"?

Yes, he's within his rights not to find overweight people attractive - but to be so hugely insensitive (presuming he knows about her food issues) is cause for dismissal in my book. She's ill... if he can't be understanding about that then he's a piece of sh1t.

Unregistered wrote: »

You can dump him and blame everything else for being fat but its going to happen again and again with the next boyfriend, that is, if you can get one.

Yes, because being single is worse than being in a horrible relationship with a selfish, manipulative man; and no fat person has ever had a succcessful relationship. Give me a break.

Unregistered wrote: »

One of my exes developed rotton teeth due to neglect, I was mortified to be seen with him and dumped him, good enough for him, it was his own fault.

Fair enough, that's your prerogative... but was that due to laziness or a genuine illness? If someone had alopecia and lost all their hair due to stress, would you dump them cos it's their 'own fault'?

Unregistered wrote: »

your weight is your responsibility. Only you can lose it.

About the only thing in this post I agree with.

Unregistered wrote: »

To tell you the harsh truth, yes its a wake up call, but after all its constructive criticism, he loves you enough to put you in the picture rather than fill you full of phoney bullsh1t.

I'm sorry, but 'I'm ashamed to be seen in public with you, you fat cow' is not constructive when your partner has issues with food and their weight. It's probably the most destruvtive thing he could ever say to her, it may cause her to start vomiting up her food again. There's nothing about the way her bf approached this issue that's constructive for her.

Curlypinkie

Your BF is immature to put it to you in the way that he did, OP.
But I agree with the posters telling you it is only you who can get a grip on your own life.

If you feel you need to dump him, do. If what he said made you totally loose respect for him you have to.
But I think that this could be the wake up call you need.

I also agree that psychologists are a waste of money when it comes to eating disorders. If they were the be all and end all, girls and boys wouldn't be dying in anorexia or puking their innards out to death, nor would we have so many obese people around us.

It's all down to you and wether you want to feel good about yourself or not. It is something you decide and it doesn't happen over night.
You have to work on it. And THAT is something that a psychologist should be able to help you with. But you can probably do it on your own as well!!

You know what, in your shoes I'd do the following: Loose the weight, work on your self esteem and at the end of it, if you still feel that what he said was wrong... so dump him.

pwd

you were having a fight. Some people will say whatever they think will hurt the most when they fight, regardless of whether it's true or not. Some people just like to upset other people really. This may have been the case here.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Yep -I 100% concur.

Its reality we are living in here, not a politically correct daydream, yes all the warm and fuzzy answers telling you to "dump him, hes a d1ck" will make you feel reassured that placing the blame on him is the way to go but sorry, its not.

You can dump him and blame everything else for being fat but its going to happen again and again with the next boyfriend, that is, if you can get one.

I totally agree with abouttobebanned as well.

We can all live in delusion and how things "should be" but that is not reality.

One of my exes developed rotton teeth due to neglect, I was mortified to be seen with him and dumped him, good enough for him, it was his own fault.

Like it or not this is the same, your weight is your responsibility. Only you can lose it.

You cant have it both ways, if he said nothing and broke it off with you/cheated on you a few months down the line you would be going mad saying "he could have told me weight was an issue"....yet if he tells you, he is called an insensitive b@stard!!!

He cant win, at the end of the day, he wants an attractive partner on his arm, he may work hard at his own appearance and feel let down that you are allowing yours to deteriorate.

Thats his right, if he is stopping fancying you, what would you prefer?

To live in ignorance with him lying to you "oh it doesnt matter how fat you are, its whats inside that counts" (biggest lie in the universe by the way) but secretly feeling embarassed and unattracted to you.

or

To tell you the harsh truth, yes its a wake up call, but after all its constructive criticism, he loves you enough to put you in the picture rather than fill you full of phoney bullsh1t.

What utter, utter, utter rubbish.

OP this is the view of the shallow, who think that appearance is everything and you know, as the saying goes, water finds its own level, and usually they will only go for their idea of "attractive" and ignore the wonderful variety of people that make up our varied and interesting planet. Please pay no heed to these people. Yes, there are those who think image is everything, but they are only one type of person. There are a whole lot more out there who are a bit more open, interesting and worth knowing. Wouldn't you rather be surrounded by people who support you as opposed to those who think you have to be thin to be happy?

While I agree with people who are advising you about health, nutrition and excercise, all things which if done correctly will help you feel better and thus help with your overall self esteem. Too many idiots have been raised on MTV and read too many rag mags and are too obsessed with weight and appearance and neglect the part of themselves that covers sincerity, understanding and empathy. Please don't fall into that trap. Besides, a lot of the ultra thin are miserable too you'll find, constantly worrying about their weight and how they look.

As far as your boyfriend goes, if he had an issue with your weight, then there is a time and a place to talk about that. It certainly isn't while you are walking down the street and it definitely isn't teliing you he's embarassed to be seen with you. That is probably one the most humiliating things someone can say to someone, especially someone in your position. Those that are trying to defend his words as constructive criticicsm have a lot to learn about what constructive criticism is and how to apply it. In short, he was an ass, and has shown a lack of character. I think you can do better and deserve better. What do you think? Please address this head on and tell him that you are dealing with your weight issue in a constructive way and his comment has knocked you back, when you need encouragement. I would hope that you get a sincere apology and if not kick him to the curb because there are nice people out there who wouldn't dream of talking to a stranger like that, let alone their girlfriend.

Ignore the idiot who says that him and his college friends don't want to be seen walking down the street with a fat bird. Immature idiots is all I can say, and not the crowd you or I would want to be seen with or associate with. I have much higher standards and I hope you do too.

I wish you all the best and keep up the counselling and the gym and the healthy eating. You are making great strides already. You are being proactive and that stands for a lot.

Big hugs! x

LegacyUser

Shellyboo -I know this is an emotive issue but that answer is unfair.

I do not buy for one minute that anorexia and bulimia are anything other than choices.
Very often made by young women who decide they want attention and I do speak from personal experience as I have mentioned before on this forum.

If she has bulimia, it is up to her to sort herself out. This sense of victim like entitlement to sympathy that people with eating disorders cultivate "oh POOR ME, everyone is so CRUEL, not listening to my endless self pity cos I am fat/thin etc" is painfully wearing for those around them.

When I was "ill" (anorexia) the beginning of my recovery was spurred by what I perceived as cruel/tactless "attacks" but they were the words/statements that actually went into my head. All the softsoaping in the world only served to fuel my self pity and "illness".
Looking back those words were in contect perfectly correct and deserved.

Its very possible the boyfriend is sick to the teeth of being manipulated by the endless complaining about weight related issues while she does sweet feck all about it other than make herself sick and is now calling OP's bluff.

We dont know, it could be the above or it could be as you say he is just a selfish p***k

Oh and the boyfriend I broke it off with the rotton teeth, yes it was out and out neglect.

Alopecia is different as it is outside the persons control, rotton teeth are not, so you are comparing apples and oranges.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo -I know this is an emotive issue but that answer is unfair.

I do not buy for one minute that anorexia and bulimia are anything other than choices.

Very often made by young women who decide they want attention and I do speak from personal experience as I have mentioned before on this forum.

That's all very well, and I understand where you're coming from - when it's a mental illness then it IS up to yourself to sort things out. But if someone had come to me when I was in the depths of depression and said 'ffs, shape of you, you're a disgrace, sort yourself out'... who knows what I'd have done. You're not rational, you can't see that you have to fix it... you need help to get out of your own fcuked-up head and into the real world. And I'm sure it's the same with eating disorders. All I'm saying is that what the OP's bf said to her was in no way constructive for her at this time.

Unregistered wrote: »

If she has bulimia, it is up to her to sort herself out. This sense of victim like entitlement to sympathy that people with eating disorders cultivate "oh POOR ME, everyone is so CRUEL, not listening to my endless self pity cos I am fat/thin etc" is painfully wearing for those around them.

When I was "ill" (anorexia) the beginning of my recovery was spurred by what I perceived as cruel/tactless "attacks" but they were the words/statements that actually went into my head. All the softsoaping in the world only served to fuel my self pity and "illness".
Looking back those words were in contect perfectly correct and deserved.

Looking back, yes... but did they help you at the time? Did it seem constructive to you?

Unregistered wrote: »

Its very possible the boyfriend is sick to the teeth of being manipulated by the endless complaining about weight related issues while she does sweet feck all about it other than make herself sick and is now calling OP's bluff.

We dont know, it could be the above or it could be as you say he is just a selfish p***k

Oh and the boyfriend I broke it off with the rotton teeth, yes it was out and out neglect.

Alopecia is different as it is outside the persons control, rotton teeth are not, so you are comparing apples and oranges.

I don't see bulimia as something that's within a person's control. It's an illness, like the flu. Yes, it can be mastered, yes, it's up to her to do that - but a bf who tells her he's ashamed to be seen in public with her is not the kind of person she needs around her if she's struggling with weight issues.

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

today we had an argument and he told me that he is embarrassed to be seen with me because I am fat. He said that he feels like people on the street look at us together and wonder what on earth he is doing with someone like me.

Christ, why is he with you so? I also know a guy who clung on to a girl he didn't want to be with for two years... just bizarre.

I've tried starting counselling again, I've only been to one session so far though because the waiting lists in college are so long. I have also started going to the gym and eating less, but not long enough yet to see any real results. I just feel like I'm going to gradually put on weight forever, I don't know how I'm going to lose it because I haven't seen any change yet from the gym. I'm trying to get on top of my college work and get regular sleep and everything

Wow... so you're actually taking steps to lose weight, yet he still said that to you? Unbelievable.

but I just feel like I'm slipping. I spent most of Sunday in bed, hiding from the world.

And that's the crux of it - his comment didn't spur you into losing weight (which you were actually already working on), it just deeply upset you which can have the opposite effect.

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Sometimes these personal issues threads are so boring. Some starts a thread, knowing full well what kind of answers he/she is going to get...but does it anyway.

Or maybe not. Maybe they think they'll get some really helpful advice, maybe they think they'll be given tips they never thought of before. Are you a mind-reader?

People reply thinking that they're so superior

Well then maybe don't post advice yourself so, for fear of coming across like these people who think they're so superior. :rolleyes:

and then give the Clare Rayner answer.

Or maybe they're just doing it out of genuine compassion, empathy, a desire to give someone a bit of help - you know, those things...

Here's the only answer that matters.

What was that about people thinking they're superior?

let's face it, he could just dump your ass

You call that a disservice?!

You know how to lose weight, eat less and exercise more.

Yes of course she knows that. What the weight-loss expert brigade always fail to take into consideration is that for some people who have psychological issues with food, food addictions, emotional dependencies on food, mental obstacles when it comes to changing eating habits... it's not so simple. Nobody wants to be fat, so if it was as straightforward as you experts claim, then there wouldn't be fat people.
Funny how those who are actually very knowledgeable about weight-loss on Boards.ie, like g'em and Dragan, never use those overly simplistic "just eat less and exercise more" responses when people post about being overweight. They never belittle them either. And at the same time, they don't sugarcoat things (pun not intended) and they do encourage taking responsibility for oneself and even being hard on oneself if needs be - it's just they're able to do so without resorting to humiliation, insults etc. They've got good communication/people skills, unlike the other "experts". And you know what? Their approach works! AND they're super-fit and healthy!

Seriously, what good is all these do-gooders telling you to dump your boyfriend doing? Then you'll be fat and single.

Oooh! Single! The horror! That's right - advise her to be needy and dependent on others. That'll do wonders for her...

You know what you need to do...moaning online and trying to blame other factors is not it.

Did you miss the part where she says she's doing something about it? She's not blaming other factors - she's crushed by the comment her boyfriend made.

abouttobebanned wrote: »

And Mizzlolly...do you believe in the tooth fairy? How is doing anything that you reccommend going to better her life? It will make her single, miserable, fat, and skint from all the money she's spending on therapy.

What's wrong with MizzLolly's advice and encouragement? Go to the gym, go to counselling... seems about right. OP, don't go to the gym as it will cause you to become single... eh, right.

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Tact and hugs is not going to help her.

Neither is tactlessness. You know, there's appalling tactlessness (like what he said and some of what you and others here have posted) and there's silly sugarcoating and indulging and adding to the person's sense of being a victim... then there's a whole ocean in between. It's really not simply a case of one or the other you know. You can be constructive and no-nonsense without being tactless and hurtful.

Kyleigh Victorious Pebble wrote: »

Not really, wake-up calls are sometimes necessary. I admire his honesty.

You know full well it was dreadfully phrased - he could have said "I'm finding you less attractive because of the weight you've gained". And why are you ignoring the fact that she said she's been doing something about it.

MadgeBadge wrote: »

I certainly did not want to be seen parading around with him and his hill-billy hair.

People might think you were poor! :eek:

bazookaquartey wrote: »

OK, heres the real deal.

I, nor any of my friends (who are normal college guys or normal guys I know from school and I am talking about hundreds of guys here), DO NOT want to be seen with a FAT WOMAN walking down the street.

It's harsh but true.

If you are fat, lose the weight and you will be happier. Simple as that.

You will find some guys who are willing to walk down the street with you but the majority of us wouldn't. It's not a nice thing but its just a fact.

She says she put on a dress size - that does not make a "fat woman".

starchild wrote: »

dieticians can be a big help in showing you the right foods to eat for you but the big one is exercise

Actually no, the big one is diet. If you have a high-intensity, regular workout regime going on at the gym, it's about 40% exercise, 60% diet.
OP, go for that gym programme - it will make you feel brilliant.

Sonderval wrote: »

Losing weight is not rocket science and frankly not that hard if you really want it. Question is, do you? Or would you rather sit behind an array of easy excuses?

Did you miss the part where she said:

I have struggled with weight issues for years, and he knows this. I started making myself vomit when I was 14, and over the last eight years my weight has fluctuated, but I am probably at my heaviest now. I have gone to counselling sometimes, but it has never helped more than short term. I was put on antidepressants a year after I started college and I don't get the same panic about food as I used to, which has probably contributed to me putting on weight.

Unregistered wrote: »

Its reality we are living in here, not a politically correct daydream

Yawn... it's got fuk all to do with "political correctness", it has a lot to do with him being a hurtful prick. He could have said it in a more tactful way, and why did he wait two years? Plus, she went up a dress size in two years - it doesn't sound like she's a whale.

You can dump him and blame everything else for being fat but its going to happen again and again with the next boyfriend, that is, if you can get one.

She has been doing something about it, she has psychological issues with food, and the last thing in your sentence there is really sh1tty. :mad:

Like it or not this is the same, your weight is your responsibility. Only you can lose it.

Yep, she knows that. And has been doing something about it. Just like it's predictable for there to be a rash of "you go girl!" responses, it's also predictable for there to be "I'm so no-nonsense, amn't I great" responses...

You cant have it both ways, if he said nothing and broke it off with you/cheated on you a few months down the line you would be going mad saying "he could have told me weight was an issue"....yet if he tells you, he is called an insensitive b@stard!!!

How do you know?

he wants an attractive partner on his arm

LOL - ok, while it's human to want to be with someone whom you're at least somewhat physically attracted to, it's sad and pathetic to only want to be with someone whom everyone else will look at and find attractive...

Thats his right, if he is stopping fancying you, what would you prefer?

Nothing wrong with him finding himself becoming less physically attracted to her, it's what he said and the way he said it. You know full well it was obnoxious.

To live in ignorance with him lying to you "oh it doesnt matter how fat you are, its whats inside that counts" (biggest lie in the universe by the way) but secretly feeling embarassed and unattracted to you.

I love the way you put embarrasseed before unattracted. You really care more about how a partner looks to everyone else, don't you?
Oh and the OP didn't say she'd like him to lie to her that he finds her attractive - bit of an assumption there. All he had to do was say in a tactful manner that he finds her less attractive.
All the naysayers are just assuming the OP's post reads as "why me? My boyfriend doesn't fancy me because of my weight, the bastard. How could he? Surely it's what's on the inside?" when it doesn't. Re-read it maybe.
When there are those types of threads, I'm always one of the people who says she can't blame a guy for losing interest due to weight gain and she needs to take responsibility for herself, but this is a different kettle of fish.

To tell you the harsh truth, yes its a wake up call, but after all its constructive criticism, he loves you enough to put you in the picture

One of the most presumptuous comments I've ever read on Boards.ie. What about maybe considering this: it was a cruel comment to a girl who has had eating disorders and was already trying to lose the weight?

Curlypinkie wrote: »

I also agree that psychologists are a waste of money when it comes to eating disorders. If they were the be all and end all, girls and boys wouldn't be dying in anorexia or puking their innards out to death, nor would we have so many obese people around us.

Sorry but bollocks. People have those conditions, not because psychologists aren't any use. People develop those conditions anyway, then they go to psychologists/counsellors for help. That's like saying doctors/surgeons are no good because people die of unavoidable diseases like leukaemia. When it comes to mental illness, sometimes the treatment isn't successful but patients need to put in some of the work themselves - and often they don't. It's better for counsellors/psychologists to exist rather than not to.

It's all down to you and wether you want to feel good about yourself or not.

Yeah obviously. The problem is, she's finding it difficult to do so. Fuk the people who say "oh stop feeling sorry for yourself and just DO it!" If she could, she would. Sometimes it's that bit too difficult to just do it.

You know what, in your shoes I'd do the following: Loose the weight, work on your self esteem

You're not in her shoes so what good is that? And to simply say "lose the weight" to a person who has a history of eating disorders, is completely useless.

Unregistered wrote: »

I do not buy for one minute that anorexia and bulimia are anything other than choices.

They can be mental illnesses, like physical illnesses - something people have little or no control over.

Very often made by young women who decide they want attention

Yes, but also by young women who genuinely have serious self-image/food issues.

This sense of victim like entitlement to sympathy that people with eating disorders cultivate "oh POOR ME, everyone is so CRUEL, not listening to my endless self pity cos I am fat/thin etc"

It's not always the case. A lot of them also want to get better.

When I was "ill" (anorexia) the beginning of my recovery was spurred by what I perceived as cruel/tactless "attacks" but they were the words/statements that actually went into my head. All the softsoaping in the world only served to fuel my self pity and "illness".
Looking back those words were in contect perfectly correct and deserved.

No they weren't, they were bruising to your self-esteem, and the fact you're so concerned about what people think of whomever you're going out with, tends to drive that home.
I agree, the kid gloves approach is no good whatsoever - people do have to take responsibility for themselves, but this can be put to them without resorting to insults.

Its very possible the boyfriend is sick to the teeth of being manipulated by the endless complaining about weight related issues while she does sweet feck all about it

Oh no, sorry. She said she's going to the gym - you obviously missed that part/chose to skim over it.

Oh yeah, and this "wake-up call" nonsense: "wake up" to what? The fact she's overweight? Eh... I think she was more than aware.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I do not buy for one minute that anorexia and bulimia are anything other than choices. Very often made by young women who decide they want attention and I do speak from personal experience as I have mentioned before on this forum.

I'm sorry but you are saying that bullima is a choice? And you think the fact that you've suffered with an eating disorder makes you an authority on the subject? I'm afraid I have to disagree with both of these points. Not everyone is like you, in fact I reckon probably most people don't choose to have an eating disorder. Please speak only for yourself in future.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Registered male posters very quiet on this thread.

I agree 99% of men would feel the same as he does, the girls on this thread saying otherwise are delusional. What he said was out of order but most other guys just wouldn't have gone out with you, dumped you, lied or cheated etc.

I don't think I'd have said it, but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't go out with a fat girl to begin with. Perhaps he's just bad at dishonesty/wording. I don't think its a dumpable offence.

Dudess

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I agree 99% of men would feel the same as he does, the girls on this thread saying otherwise are delusional.

Not the issue - there is NOTHING wrong with becoming less attracted to someone if they have gained weight, and when people say that's "shallow" etc it's annoying.

What he said was out of order

Bingo. That's the issue here.

but most other guys just wouldn't have gone out with you

Oh come on, "he said something nasty to you but in fairness, it could be worse... at least you HAVE a boyfriend". That's just sh1tty.
OP, having a bit of extra weight on you won't prevent you from getting a boyfriend. It's probably true that most guys would be more attracted to slim girls - no point in me lying to you - but if you're just a bit overweight, a boyfriend is not at all out of reach. If you give off vibes that you hate yourself though, yes, that decreases your chances of meeting someone.

dumped you

It would have been the honourable thing to do.

I don't think I'd have said it, but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't go out with a fat girl to begin with.

First of all, you don't know she was fat to begin with. Secondly, if she was, why did he start going out with her? And thirdly, she says she has only gone up a dress size which does not make her really fat - ok, we only have her word for it, but that's the nature of Personal Issues.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Dudess wrote: »

Not the issue - there is NOTHING wrong with becoming less attracted to someone if they have gained weight, and when people say that's "shallow" etc it's annoying.

Bingo. That's the issue here.

It is really the issue. People say things that are out of order all the time but its simply the topic he's approached that are getting all the idealistic "dump him" replies.

Oh come on, "he said something nasty to you but in fairness, it could be worse... at least you HAVE a boyfriend". That's just sh1tty.

You're twisting my words here. My point was people say things that are out of order all the time & this guys possibly just bad at being dishonest, as I mentioned in the second part of my post.

First of all, you don't know she was fat to begin with. Secondly, if she was, why did he start going out with her? And thirdly, she says she has only gone up a dress size which does not make her really fat - ok, we only have her word for it, but that's the nature of Personal Issues.

I read the first post - "Yes, I am a bit overweight, I've gone up a dress size since we got together nearly two years ago. Yes, I would like to lose this weight. I have struggled with weight issues for years, and he knows this. I started making myself vomit when I was 14, and over the last eight years my weight has fluctuated, but I am probably at my heaviest now."

Read between the lines.

dlofnep

Dump him, and if you are uncomfortable with the weight, lose the weight for yourself, and not for him.