My son "came out"

LegacyUser

Hi All, going unregistered for this. I'm having a very difficult time of it with my oldest son, who is 18, and who told me last year that he was gay. He's been an incredibly good child, quiet, no trouble, loving and extremely friendly with everyone. He started college last September and I don't know him anymore. We've had a difficult time of it dealing with his coming out, it's not something that I've been able to accept easily and I know you're all going to say "you should accept it, he's your son", but it's not that easy. I love him as much as I always did, and the "being gay" isn't actually the problem now, it's his attitude. He moved out of home and is now living in a house with his "boyfriend" and his parents, he never rings or texts, it's always me making the contact. I've gone from crying to screaming to saying nothing and now I'm just heart broken. I have other children at home and he doesn't seem to be too arsed to see them either. For 18 years, I had a model child, and now I don't know what I have, nothing at the moment. I know he's going through a difficult time and he isn't going to have an easy time of it through his life - I don't care what people say, there is still an air of "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay - there most definitely is. He's a sensible kid and I think he'll make something of his life, if he sticks with college, but I'm very worried that he's distancing himself from his family and we'll lose him. It's going on months now. Any advice?

Silverfish

I don't think what you have is a 'gay son', I think what you have there is a 'teenager'.

I know as soon as I was 18 I hightailed it out of home because I could do what I wanted when I wanted and act grown up. I think I maybe contacted my parents every couple of months at most. Perhaps because I just spent 18 years day in day out with them.

But for me, it just took one thing to go wrong and all I could do was run to Mammy and daddy
Its just a matter of maturity. You grow up a bit and realise just how important parents are, and how lucky you are to have them. Not something teenagers usually realise.

He has been through a good bit, it was probably the hardest thing he ever did in his life telling you, and I assume you didn't take it too well. He probably needs some space to figure his head out at this stage.

Just be patient with him, I know it must be hard when you have hopes and dreams for your child and then have to put them aside when things don't work out as planned, but it's his life and he has to make his own way.

jim o doom

I agree with the silverfish post; it sounds like pretty normal teenage rebelling to be honest..

I was a pretty "good boy" for most of my childhood.. moved in with my girlfriend at 18/19 & my aul pair hardly saw or heard from me at all for a couple of years.. I was just having fun "being free" from the aul pair.. it's fairly normal - you may not realise but parents can be quite overburdening & you can't be yourself around them.. especially if they're even slightly judgemental.. (I'm not saying you are at all btw I don't know you well enough to make that call)

He will grow out of it eventually (the distancing himself from family, not the gay thing). In his mind I am sure you are always going to be there, so being distant for a while doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world. He's at a turbulent time in his life & as hackneyed as it sounds he is probably finding out "who he is" at the moment, so let him get on with it - he is still your son & just because he is acting strangely doesn't mean he don't love you no more.

Dizzyblonde

I have to agree with Silverfish. It's more to do with turning 18 than his sexual orientation. He's trying to prove (as much to himself as anyone else) that he's all grown up and doesn't need his parents.
My advice is to leave him to it, but let him know you love him. He'll come to his senses eventually. If you're getting on his back over him not being around you'll only alienate him.

Beruthiel

Silverfish wrote: »

I don't think what you have is a 'gay son', I think what you have there is a 'teenager'.

I couldn't agree more there. It's nothing to do with being gay, it's to do with the fact he's 18 and has a new found freedom that he's thrown himself into with no thought for you.
Leave him to it for now. Call every week for a chat or whatever, but leave it at that. He'll be back.
Perhaps offer to meet up at a restaurant for dinner or lunch.

Don't worry about his future, he will work things out, at the moment he's starting to find himself.
Don't forget, most 18 year olds cannot think beyond themselves and tend to be selfish at the best of times.

partyguinness

I think your son is moving on with his life and you must appreciate that he will not need to speak to you everyday or even every month.

I imagine leaving home/starting college/accepting his sexuality/'coming out'/a boyfriend have made the last few months very very traumatic for him. He needs time and space to adjust and settle down.

For the moment, just re assure him that you love him and you are there for him at all times.

Let him be for the moment to find his own two feet.

Tomk1

Just have a hot dinner for him when he comes home and don't bring it up unless he wants to discuss it, the more you make of it, the bigger it will come, to the extent as if its the only thing that matters. Just be there to support, not criticize and risk becoming an opponent.

Wagon

He's distancing himself from you because he wants to. He'll come around but he probably wants to get a few things straight in his head so give him the space for it. By all means contact him every so often to make sure he's alive but you can't force a person to be close to you, even your children.

The reason it's probably happened is because of your reaction to his coming out. You mentinoned you had a model child for 18 years. He told you he was gay and was probably thinking that you'd be alright with it but instead you probably went mental at him. A picture perfect child just doesn't change overnight without some help and he probably figured that the last 18 years with him meant nothing to you. What's going on in his head probably is "**** it. what's the point?" Fairly normal for any 18 year old bloke regardless of sexual orientation.

He's still only young, but he's getting older. He'll be back to you in future I'm sure of it. He needs a bit of growing up to do and some experience in life, so let him get it.

Monkey61

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi All, going unregistered for this. I'm having a very difficult time of it with my oldest son, who is 18, and who told me last year that he was gay. He's been an incredibly good child, quiet, no trouble, loving and extremely friendly with everyone. He started college last September and I don't know him anymore. We've had a difficult time of it dealing with his coming out, it's not something that I've been able to accept easily and I know you're all going to say "you should accept it, he's your son", but it's not that easy. I love him as much as I always did, and the "being gay" isn't actually the problem now, it's his attitude. He moved out of home and is now living in a house with his "boyfriend" and his parents, he never rings or texts, it's always me making the contact. I've gone from crying to screaming to saying nothing and now I'm just heart broken. I have other children at home and he doesn't seem to be too arsed to see them either. For 18 years, I had a model child, and now I don't know what I have, nothing at the moment. I know he's going through a difficult time and he isn't going to have an easy time of it through his life - I don't care what people say, there is still an air of "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay - there most definitely is. He's a sensible kid and I think he'll make something of his life, if he sticks with college, but I'm very worried that he's distancing himself from his family and we'll lose him. It's going on months now. Any advice?

Right I'm going to disagree with some opinions on this one. Your son has possibly been through hell growing up and wrestling with his sexuality. Telling you must have been a nightmare for him - and it's very admirable that he was able to do that. It's wonderful that he felt close enough to you to want to share that part of his life.

If your attitude is "eeeugh" then to be honest I would be running as far away from you as is physically possible. That's a horrendous attitude to have and there is absolutely no excuse for it in this day and age. Why on earth would he want to be around you if that is how you feel about homosexuality? Can you imagine how bad that makes him feel about himself.

This is not his problem, it is yours. You are the one in the wrong here, not him and until you can honestly change your attitude then don't expect him to be welcoming you with open arms. You say it is not that easy for you - but you have to make it easy. Parenting isn't meant to be easy, but he hasn't done anything wrong. He fancies men -big deal, so do you.

Das Kitty

+1 to the above posts about him just acting the typical teenager.

Also not everyone has the "Eugh" reaction you're referring to and the number of people who don't blink when they hear someone is gay is increasing daily, hopefully soon you'll be amongst them.

Sure it's hard to be gay, but he doesn't have a choice really does he?

It's much easier these days to live your life as an "out" gay person than it would have been 20 years ago, so really he's lucky to have grown up in an era where he can live his life without feeling like he has to hide part of who he is for fear of being universally persecuted or "cured" by society.

DinoBot

Teenagers :rolleyes:

But aside from that do you think there is anything your doing to increase the tension ?

From you post you seem to disagree with him living with his boyfriend, would you disagree if he was with a girl ?

Also, have you said you feel a bit "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay ?

Im just asking because if I knew someone disaproved about my choice of parthner when I was 18, Id say , to hell with them!

Beruthiel

I don't care what people say, there is still an air of "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay - there most definitely is.

I forgot to comment on the above.
I couldn't disagree more, there most definitely is not an air of that.
That's your perception.
Sure, you will get assholes who do think like that, as you will get racists and xenophobes.
They will always exist.
The vast majority of people will judge you on whither you are a good person or not.
Not what your sexual orientation is.
If you have given him a vibe on what you really think, I'm really not surprised he needs some time out.
Adjust your thinking. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

Nevyn

While I do agree that this is your son flying the nest and that is a huge adjustment esp as he is your eldest, ( had something simular happen with my parents and that was before we all had mobile phones ) maybe you do need to
hear that from other parents who have had a child come out to them.

If you feel that talking to other parents who have been in your shoes then
there is support for you.

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/parentsSupport.html

Gay Switchboard Dublin : Parents Support

Parents and family members of those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender often have initial difficulties coming to terms with their son’s or daughter’s sexuality. We offer telephone based and person-to-person support to these parents. This service is provided by parents of gay and lesbian children who have been through similar experiences. Parents Support aims to ‘walk alongside’ parents as they come to terms with their child’s sexuality.

Parents Support provides a unique insight into the experiences and emotions of parents coming to terms with their child’s sexuality.

To contact Parents Support or if you are a parent interested in volunteering, please phone us on 01-8721055. The Helpline service is available Monday to Thursday from 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm.

LegacyUser

I'm so grateful to all of you for your replies, you have no idea. I've taken everything on board and every single one of you have a fair and valid point to make.

The bottom line is this - he's my son and he's my first and I love him to bits. He's a very, very nice person and everyone who comes in to contact with him adores him. I didn't react well to him "coming out", I didn't go over the top but I was very upset. But you know, with hindsight, and going over his school years etc in my head - he was always different.

I myself didn't make the "eeugh" comment - I am personally aware of people who have that view on homosexuality, and it's mostly male friends. I'm not jumping up and down with delight and until you have a son in the same position, it's not really fair to say just accept it etc. I'm worried about him being subjected to abuse through his life and there are people out there who are more than willing to give it.

Look, I'm a young Mum, I'm 36 and I've effectively grown up with my boy. The door will never be closed, he knows I love him and I think you're all right, I should just let him know that every time talk/text. My home will always be his home.

I am very, very grateful to all of you. The only people who know anything about this are my Mum and my Sister, none of my friends or extended family know and I've been in turmoil. Thank you most sincerely.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

While I do agree that this is your son flying the nest and that is a huge adjustment esp as he is your eldest, ( had something simular happen with my parents and that was before we all had mobile phones ) maybe you do need to
hear that from other parents who have had a child come out to them.

If you feel that talking to other parents who have been in your shoes then
there is support for you.

http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/parentsSupport.html

Thank you for that info - I've been thinking recently that speaking to someone might be a good idea. Cheers

Das Kitty

You're right OP you can't just instantly accept it.

But I have no doubt you will in time.

Aard

A little advice OP:

When you do see him or talk to him, don't accuse him with "You never call any more". He probably feels alienated enough atm without adding guilt to the mix.


You never know why he's not calling; maybe he feels that you need some space to clear your head, and he thinks he's doing the right thing by leaving you be.


It's extremely important to communicate your feelings to your son about wanting to see more of him - he's not a mindreader.


---


And this is from my own experience: whatever you do, PLEASE dispel any ideas you have of homosexual stereotypes. Don't assume he's being promiscuous, don't assume he's going to become a drag queen, and finally don't assume that he's going to change from the boy you grew up with for 18 years. It's difficult, but for his sake, please keep an open mind.

Jesus Wept

Unregistered wrote: »

He moved out of home and is now living in a house with his "boyfriend" and his parents

Why "boyfriend" and not boyfriend?

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't care what people say, there is still an air of "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay - there most definitely is.

I guess that is how you feel, not everybody does.
Try to be more tolerant, imo.

LegacyUser

I think I'm half way there with the acceptance of his sexuality, and I'm being honest about that. It's the attitude and a half that comes with it that I'm struggling with and it's because he's been such a good kid all along. Sometimes, he says something so awful to me that it just stops me dead and I can't quite believe what I'm hearing. I expect every parent who ha had the joy of a teenager can relate to that!

I've had 18 wonderful years with him and none of the usual troubles teenagers bring, so I've been very, very lucky. I'll do my very best to ensure that he knows we're there for him.

Again, a million thanks to you all.

beth-lou

Hi Op,

Do you think that you are pushing your son away as opposed to him distancing himself from you, because he knows that you are struggling to accept who he truely is, and that is painful for him?

I agree that all 18 year olds will rebel to some extent and will fly the nest at some stage, but I think there is more at play here. Maybe it is better for him to be away from the family home, while you all come to terms with his big announcement and he will come back when he feels the dust has setled and you have come to terms with it. I think eventually this will all be sorted and you will be back to the way you always were. But it is going to take a lot of understanding on your part and you will have to take on board that this is who he always was and always will be. He is still the same boy you raised, it's just that right now he knows that somehow he has disappointed you and it's something he has no control over and he can not change.

Most people don't think eughhhh when they think of gay people. Ok men slag each other about it sometimes, but you'd be surprised at how respectful they actually are when they meet someone who is gay or discover that their friend, brother, sister or relative is gay. The majority of young people wouldn't batter an eyelid if someone was gay and most of us have gay people in their lives.

It will take time to get used to the idea that he is not going to have a wife and kids, but he can still have a very happy life and find love. But his life will be so much better with you on board and as his mother as you always were. To him you are the same, hopefully one day you will see him as the same person too, and realise that his sexuality is irrelevant as far as your relationship goes. Nothing has changed other than the fact that he has told you. He was always gay.

I wish you well and hope you can work this out for both of your sakes.

MicraBoy

Unregistered wrote:

I don't care what people say, there is still an air of "eeeugh" when you hear someone is gay - there most definitely is.

That makes me laugh. That is the exact sound my mother made when I told her I was bisexual. Glad I can laugh now because it wasn't so funny at the time.

As others have said I think this sounds more like the "model" son kicking lose now that he has a bit of freedom. I think all you can do is be there for him and never let him forget you love him.

Set him free, he'll come back when he is ready (and a bit more mature to boot).

LegacyUser

I'm reading back over all of your replies and I find myself squirming - I am guilty of bad behaviour in all of this and I know I am, and seeing it in print just hits home with me. I know my son has had a terrible time of it and at the moment, he's not with me, he's with his friends and boyfriend and it's hard for me to deal with that. Truly, posting here was the best thing I could have done, as you've all made me realise that his suffering is far greater than mine at the moment. I already knew that really, but I think I was probably being a bit selfish and thinking more of myself and my hurt feelings.

I'm not a stuffy, old fashioned person - I'm a young Mum, I love life and friends and having the laugh and I have a very good relationship with each of my boys. I've learned from bitter experience that time is a good healer and I'm sure it will all be ok in the end, as long as I keep my senses about me and see the bigger picture.

Thank god for boards.ie.

Reflector

hi,
As a gay man I can some what relate to what your son is going through.

Lots of gay people are extremely introverted as teens but as they get older they have a delayed emotional and sexual development as they have supressed it for so long. You sound like you have mostly accepted your son but maybe you could be a bit more supportive. Also as I got older I really tried to distance myself from my mum as much as possible. We fought all the time and eventually we developed a better relationship more into my mid twenties. It was a battle for independance which I think your son is looking for even though he is not really taking your feelings into consideration. I think you'll just have to ride this one out and as he matures you'll find that he'll be in touch more. Maybe just come to an agreement that you have one phonecall a week at least and then progress this into a family dinner a week. Also include him in all family occassions even if he is reluctant to show up.

Silverfish

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm reading back over all of your replies and I find myself squirming - I am guilty of bad behaviour in all of this and I know I am, and seeing it in print just hits home with me. I know my son has had a terrible time of it and at the moment, he's not with me, he's with his friends and boyfriend and it's hard for me to deal with that. Truly, posting here was the best thing I could have done, as you've all made me realise that his suffering is far greater than mine at the moment. I already knew that really, but I think I was probably being a bit selfish and thinking more of myself and my hurt feelings.

.

Ah no don't, part of all this is while you're realising how tough its been for your son, he might be realising how tough its been for you too.

It sounds like ye both just needed some time to think and some space, I think you would have come to this conclusion anyway at some stage in the future.

Beruthiel

OP

Be aware that we also have a Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual Forum where you can also post unregged.
Those folks will have a lot to tell you from their point of view, which could help a lot.

Nevyn

OP you are grieving cut, your self some slack and let yourself do that for a while.
You feel like you have lost your little boy and you have he had grown into a man.

Also he is not the man you had hopes and dreams for, as parents we all want our kids
to be happy and you prolly imagined him meeting a nice girl and maybe getting married
and making you a granny at some stage as part of him having a good happy life.

But he doesn't want that for himself, his happiness lies for him in a life which you most likely didn't' imagine and don't know that much about and it has given you a new set of worries and fears for your son. Which is compounded by the fact that you don't feel you are an active part of his life to help and guide him.

Yes he needs time to go and 'be' himself away from the expectations of how people expect him to be and you need time and space to process what having a gay son means.

Please do go and get some support so that when both you and he are ready
more people can be told and you can support him and provide a united front
and be able to smile and say "Yes he gay, so what I still love every hair on his head as I have done from the moment he was born and I am proud of him."

You maybe worried about how to answer questions people might put to you,
being able to talk about such situations and how to handle them with ease and a smile will make all the difference in the world but you have to deal with
your emotions about how this and get as informed as possible so that silly
myths about being gay do not upset and confuse you or that other's upset and confusion don't impact on you.

Your son himself prolly doesn't know how to deal with such conversations
and could be avoiding family esp you and his siblings to try and avoid having them and having them go badly wrong.

You have loved and supported him for the last 18 years and all of a sudden this curveball comes along and you don't know how to do that any more
and it's scarey not being able to be there for him. You need to get informed, sort your head and heart out, cry if you need to, let him go to live his life
but be ready and prepared for when he will need you.

Cos really now matter how old we get there are still times we need our parents.

I wish you, your son and the rest of your family the very best as you move
into a new stage in your life and family.

Karen_*

The-Rigger wrote: »

Why "boyfriend" and not boyfriend?


I guess that is how you feel, not everybody does.
Try to be more tolerant, imo.

Its all very well to say be a bit more tolerant but this is the lads mother you're talking to and she's entitled to be upset. I personally think she's dealing with this admirably and although I've many gay friends who I love dearly I can afford in this instance to be a bit tolerant and not nit pick over any negativities in this womans post.

happyoutscan

Just be there for him. His mind is probably all over the place what with dealing with the enormity of 'coming out' as well as the many issues which surround young lads of his age. He'll be grand - he's just gotta go find himself - and he will be back. You sound like a great mom (irregardless of how you may be coming to terms about your sons sexuality) so keep smiling!

Talk to others in your situation, I'm sure it will help. All the best.

Beruthiel

Thaed has made some very good points above.

Time to remind yourself what you really want for your child, happiness. That's all any of us parents want for our kids, that they are happy in their lives. Everything else is secondary imo.

Personally I don't give a toss what my daughter does with her life as long as it is what she wants.
I have no expectations from her.
I don't care whither she has kids or not.
The point I'm trying to make is, no expectations = no disappointments.
Except the expectation of her being happy that is.

Unregistered wrote: »

I already knew that really, but I think I was probably being a bit selfish and thinking more of myself and my hurt feelings.

Human nature, nothing to beat yourself up about.
What you do now is absorb this new bit of news and next time you see him give him a big hug and tell him you love him.
That's all he wants you know.

LegacyUser

ye're all making my cry! And I don't feel nearly as bad as I did when I first posted - I think all of you are brilliant for taking the time to help me.

Cactus Col

I think the OP should cut herself a bit of slack. As people have stated before he is a young man and probably finding his feet. And of course it's hard to come out.

However, it seems to me like your son is acting like an ignorant little turd. I'm sure he went through a lot growing up, supressing who he is, his feelings, but he should be mindful that you need time to actually get to know him as the person he is, the gay man he is. It is not fair for him to just one day tell you he's not the person you thought he was, and to expect you to immediately accept that.

Anybody who says that you should just immediately accept your son saying he is not the person you thought he was the day before, or the several years before, is a fool.

It seems like he is a very selfish young man.

CDfm

I have an 18 yo son and I have met just 1 girlfriend because as his dad I am not cool to him. He looks at me as being ancient and embaressing.He has never brought a girl to my home for a sleepover. But we have talked about it and Im cool with it.

He could have had loads of guys over and slept with them and I would have been non the wiser.

Would it bother me if he was gay - probably but I would have to accept it.It would be harder for him then me. But we would get on.Woohoo he is not a drug addict etc.How would I deal with sleeping arrangements so as not to give the wrong message on promiscuity to his younger sister.

I know a guy who got married in his 30s-his ex settled with a new guy.Both are happy and friends.

Be cool with it - invite them to lunch on Sunday etc-There is nothing wrong with asking when the BFs birthday is so you can send a card.

Best of luck.

seamus

Can't really add anything here.

The newfound independence of leaving school affects everyone differently, but I would say most people have a certain amount of time where they just go off on their own and act as if they've almost been separated from their family.

My own brother went off on a J1 at the end of his first year in college and didn't ring home for the first six weeks, not even when he landed. We learned second-hand that they'd arrived safe and sound.

A lot of people also feel they when they leave school, they can "reboot" to a certain extent. When you start college, you're largely starting from scratch with new friends, so you can now express those aspects of your personality which have lain supressed while in school. Unfortunately the family oftens gets forgotten here because of the exhilaration of being so free with your personality.

It does fade, and as you get older, you do feel the need to reconnect with your family.

Samba

To those who are saying just accept it and move on...by and large that's easier said than done.

While I am not a Father myself. If I did have a son as the OP described his, I would (like I imagine most parents would) have high hopes to see them flourish in life, as a preset default.


I can't wait to see him graduate.

I can't wait see him secure a great job

I can't wait to see him meet a nice Woman and maybe settle down and one day, Father his own son.

etc etc....

I can only imagine that if I had these expectations/hopes in the back of my mind and then my son approached me by telling me he was Gay, he would be effectively bursting the idealistic proverbial bubble that you had of him in your mind.

I'm sorry but that's not an easy thing to simply "accept".



I'm impressed by how well you have taken comments on board and it's a clear indication that in time, your feelings and thoughts on the issue will reside and hopefully one day both of you will look back on all of this and laugh it off......together.


Beruthiel, I take my hat off to your approach to parenting! And the OP could learn alot from this approach.

I do feel however that many parents are subconsciously conditioned by society to adopt a sense of great expectations for their children.


I have a question in relation to his "boyfriends" parents, I can only imagine that they are quite open minded, perhaps even liberal (if they freely know that they are an item).

You want to be very very careful because if he views them in a light of "shining armour model parents". Then you will inherintely, through your own negative reaction, become a villain in his eyes.

That's probably the case right now, so it's up to you now to change his perception of you.

Once that perception changes, i'm sure you will hear alot more from him and you will get to enjoy more of his company.

r3nu4l

Silverfish wrote: »

You grow up a bit and realise just how important parents are, and how lucky you are to have them.

Yup, living in the UK for almost 5 years now and the thing I miss most is time with my family. When I was living away from home as a 21 year old, I wouldn't have been bothered about seeing my folks from one year to the next

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm worried about him being subjected to abuse through his life and there are people out there who are more than willing to give it.

There sure are but there's far more who don't give a damn. I've had gay friends since I was in Uni and it never bothered me, I've had a gay married couple sleep over in the spare room in my house. I'm not unique, I don't deserve a pat on the back for being 'tolerant', they are just my friends!

The door will never be closed, he knows I love him and I think you're all right, I should just let him know that every time talk/text. My home will always be his home.

So invite him and his boyfriend over for Sunday dinner Be prepared for him to say No but at least he'll know you made the offer

Unregistered wrote: »

I think I'm half way there with the acceptance of his sexuality, and I'm being honest about that. It's the attitude and a half that comes with it that I'm struggling with and it's because he's been such a good kid all along.

Reflector wrote: »

hi,
Lots of gay people are extremely introverted as teens but as they get older they have a delayed emotional and sexual development as they have supressed it for so long.

This is so true! I remember a guy in NUIM that didn't come out until he started his PhD, the guy was short, heavy, and always faded into the background to such an extent that you almost wouldn't know he was there. Then he finally came out, I didn't see him for about six months and when I did, the guy had lost ALL the weight, the bowl-job haircut was replaced by a slick haircut, his clothes were fashionable and he was living life to the full. Tellingly, he now drank alcohol, something he had obviously been afraid to do for years in case he did something while he was drunk. A huge burden was unleashed and he was on a buzz. He calmed down after a year, still drank but wasn't as outrageous as he had been before He was always a nice guy but coming out made him a fuller person and less of a shadow.

OP, It's obvious from your posts that you love your son, he'll be fine in a while and you can be sure that he's happier living his life as he wants to instead of as a lie. His happiness is worth it's weight in gold, celebrate it

LegacyUser

Guys - I have an update. The whole lot of you inspired me so on my lunch break, I bit the bullet and rang my son. I asked him just to listen to what I was saying - I said I was sorry for all the hurt and the bad times and asked if we could just put the whole lot behind us and start again. I told him that his sexuality and private life didn't really concern me but his attitude when he's around me and around his family did. He has to be respectful and well mannered around his family, and that's non-negotiable. He accepted this without argument and asked if he could come home one day a week to see us and his brothers!! Wooooohoooooo!!! It's going to be ok I think, baby steps. But a load has been lifted and it's mostly thanks to all of you. I am indebted.

Feyy

Clean to hear you had the courage OP.

Hopefully this leads to new openness between yourself and your son.

All the best

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

He accepted this without argument and asked if he could come home one day a week to see us and his brothers!!

\o/
Fantastic news and well done!

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

Guys - I have an update. The whole lot of you inspired me so on my lunch break, I bit the bullet and rang my son. I asked him just to listen to what I was saying - I said I was sorry for all the hurt and the bad times and asked if we could just put the whole lot behind us and start again. I told him that his sexuality and private life didn't really concern me but his attitude when he's around me and around his family did. He has to be respectful and well mannered around his family, and that's non-negotiable. He accepted this without argument and asked if he could come home one day a week to see us and his brothers!! Wooooohoooooo!!! It's going to be ok I think, baby steps. But a load has been lifted and it's mostly thanks to all of you. I am indebted.

Always good to hear a positive outcome, I hope your relationship with your son will ultimately be strengthened by all this.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Guys - I have an update. The whole lot of you inspired me so on my lunch break, I bit the bullet and rang my son. I asked him just to listen to what I was saying - I said I was sorry for all the hurt and the bad times and asked if we could just put the whole lot behind us and start again. I told him that his sexuality and private life didn't really concern me but his attitude when he's around me and around his family did. He has to be respectful and well mannered around his family, and that's non-negotiable. He accepted this without argument and asked if he could come home one day a week to see us and his brothers!! Wooooohoooooo!!! It's going to be ok I think, baby steps. But a load has been lifted and it's mostly thanks to all of you. I am indebted.

Good for you -great news- I imagine he is still a good kid - my guessing is he will come around a bit more.

And if he does bring his young man just treat him like any other friend. :cool:

ellieh1

OP I am so so thrilled for you.....it was a huge step to pick up that phone so well done you!!!!

wylo

Op, you probably dont realise this, but you have lifted a massive massive weight off his shoulders, one that you probably did not realise he was carrying. Remember being gay is just a sexual orientation, its nothing to do with his personality or who he really is.
Best of luck to you in the future.

happyoutscan

Mighty.

username123

What a great thread - OP you sound like a lovely person, able to reflect on your own behaviour and realise that there were times your own behaviour was not great - if youve passed that quality onto your son I think he is going to have a good life.

As for the being gay - well I suppose it must have been hard for you to hear, but sure isnt it better he is open with you and not living an awful lonely life as an irish batchelor who never came out?

I hope your relationship with your son deepens with time because you can both be so honest with each other and I also hope that his boyfriend brings joy into your life as well - imagine the craic you may have with the pair of them, you can go out for a drink with them and everyone will be wondering how you managed to pick up 2 toy boys

All the very best wishes - glad this story had a happy ending - SO FAR - and that there is an even happier one to come!

pepsicokeacola

dissapointing i know but its his choice even tho its quite absurd

Nevyn

pepsicokeacola I suggest that you re read the rules in the charter abou unhelpful posts.

Auldloon

Im happy for you op it was great watching you coming someway to terms with your feelings. A big pat on the back for most of the above posters, a kick in the ass for a few but thats been well taken care of, good modding.

Liber8or

To be honest, he is only 18 and this is all new to him. He now has a very obvious and unlimited freedom he is not used to. When I was 18, I moved out of my family home and got a house with friends to have a good time. Out of reach from parental influence, and I did this because I wanted to experience the "real world", not because I hated my parents.

To be honest, you really seem condescending towards your son. In your original post you put the words "come out, boyfriend and eeughhh" in inverted commas. As if to determine them as undefined terms or not exactly considered to be serious. Perhaps you appeared to accept your son's new found sexuality and made this evident, but just as you can see right through your son, he can do the same to you. My guess is, he realises you dont take his sexuality seriously and would rather be away from possible ridicule. Maintaining this idea that being gay is still "taboo" makes you no different from the people who would insult him or throw abuse at him for being gay.

Now I know typing a message can lead to plenty of misinterpretation but I really feel as if you see his sexuality as a "phase" or something he will grow out of. Mocking the fact he has a boyfriend is not going to make your son more prominent in your life. I maybe wrong, but it really does feel that way to me. I think you should start showing encouragement towards him, perhaps ask to get involved in his life? Ask can you meet his boyfriend or take him/them for lunch? You show an interest in his life, he might start showing one in yours...

All the best!

LegacyUser

I've just popped back to have a look at new messages and thank you all for your comments. It's been a good day. Liber8or, I note what you say and as far as using the inverted commas goes, I suppose I was just using them to emphasise the terms, not in any other intended way. It's very difficult for me to say "my son has a boyfriend", I appreciate that a lot of people are 100% ok with it and I wish I was one of them, I'm just not. Not yet anyway. My son rang me in the afternoon today to tell me he had done very well in his xmas exams in college, three A1s and a B1. If he can do that well, then I think his head is in the right place and he knows what he has to do to have a good crack at life, and that makes me proud. I may never completely come to terms with all of this. The most important lesson I've learned today is that it could be so much worse - life is for living, by everyone, and as long as he's happy, I'm happy. Nuff said!

Maybe I should "out" myself and declare my identity...........NOT!!

Thanks again everyone.

Liber8or

Glad to hear it OP. Enjoy the time you spend with your son! Seems like the both of you are heading towards a rejuvenated and positive future.

philologos

Monkey61 wrote: »

Right I'm going to disagree with some opinions on this one. Your son has possibly been through hell growing up and wrestling with his sexuality. Telling you must have been a nightmare for him - and it's very admirable that he was able to do that. It's wonderful that he felt close enough to you to want to share that part of his life.

It's indeed good to encourage honesty, and this is an admirable trait to have in a family especially.

Monkey61 wrote: »

If your attitude is "eeeugh" then to be honest I would be running as far away from you as is physically possible. That's a horrendous attitude to have and there is absolutely no excuse for it in this day and age. Why on earth would he want to be around you if that is how you feel about homosexuality? Can you imagine how bad that makes him feel about himself.

This is taking his post out of context. He said in society that is the current attitude still. I think the word "eeeugh" is a touch excessive, but there is no reason why the OP should have to change her views on the ethics of homosexuality at all if he does disagree with said ethics. People can love one another even when they disagree with eachother, but at the same time her son is 18, and is free to make autonomous decisions for himself. Sometimes some things in life have to be experienced and learned from I guess. I would say to the OP, be patient with your son, this is a challenging time for him, and he will most probably enter into communication with you again sooner rather than later.

Monkey61 wrote: »

This is not his problem, it is yours. You are the one in the wrong here, not him and until you can honestly change your attitude then don't expect him to be welcoming you with open arms. You say it is not that easy for you - but you have to make it easy. Parenting isn't meant to be easy, but he hasn't done anything wrong. He fancies men -big deal, so do you.

I don't agree that it is the OP's problem. It is a divisive issue, and I think people have the right to hold conservative views on it, you can love someone freely even when you disagree with what they do. It's more an issue that should be a non-issue in terms of compassion and respect between a mother and a son rather.