Wouldn't have an abortion IF she got pregnant.

LegacyUser

Was having a chat the other night with my gf and the topic of pregnancy came up which naturally brought up the topic of abortion.
Don't ask me how we got talking about pregnancy in the first place I can't remember anyway my gf said what would I do (meaning me) if she was to get pregnant ? I said what could I do and said I wouldn't be happy at all .

She looked very shocked at this and I said what would you do ? to which she said " well I'd keep it obviously" and I said why "obviously" you don't have to ! there's abortion.
She said oh no she couldn't do that etc and said that it wouldn't be the end of the world if she was to get pregnant even though that's the last thing she'd want now (p.s we're both 21 and students) .

I said well it'd be a disaster if you did get pregnant and I would want you to have an abortion and she again got kind of angry and said "no way" and "why wouldn't I want her to keep our baby" etc and again I told her why .

So (really sorry for the length of this ) she seemed really hurt by my views if she was to get pregnant and said "well I'm keeping it if I do get pregnant" in the kind of tone like "well I'm keeping it and there's nothing you an do and you're stuck with it"
I said I won't have sex with you anymore then and she thought I was joking,I wasn't and I'm not having sex with her anymore and she's so hurt by this and sad.

This is what I don't get why is she ? I made my views clear so I'm making sure she doesn't get pregnant yet she doesn't see that...why is she so hurt ? why doesn't she understand what I'm saying ?

Again sorry for the length of my rant any replies greatly appreciated

Beruthiel

The-OP wrote: »

why doesn't she understand what I'm saying ?

Because her views on this particular subject are the complete opposite to yours. Therefore she will never understand your pov on it.
You are correct on one thing though, you shouldn't be having sex if you cannot accept the consequences of your actions.

Catari Jaguar

If being anti-abortion is a personal strong view point of hers than she might be shocked that you feel otherwise. I felt kind of like that when my boyfriend told me he was pro hunting and I am 100% against it.

Maybe she thinks you don't want a future with her?
Pregnant at 21 wouldn't be the end of the world. it's not like its a 15 yo knocked up on a one night stand.
Continue to have sex - get Durex extra safe condoms

Maybe look up on abortion to see the side effects it has on women. It's not an easy or pleasant choice to make. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

Sounds fair enough to clear it out right now
though I'd question at this point whether the relationship could be continued

perhaps you could rely on a few different forms of contraception and to be careful?

TelePaul

Ah relax mate! It's cool having mature conversations with your girlfriend - even if this one is pretty heavy - but if you guys are careful, the odds of this being a divisive issue are really quite small. Besides, I think this particular scenario can only be dealt with if and when you come across it; nobody has a contingency plan for an unexpected pregnancy, because they don't PLAN on becoming pregnant unexpectantly. She might fell differently when faced with the reality, you might feel differently when faced with the reality.

Seems a silly thing to ruin a relationship over, considering a great many couples your age will be carrying on sexual relationships without half as much forethought. Personally, I'd sit down with her, talk to her about it, sell the plus-sides; that as a couple, you should be capable of having a mature conversation, where you each take different sides without things becoming hostile, and that you should be clear about contraception practices.

Lollipops23

all the more reason to be extra careful with contraception!seriously, she's entitled to have her views on abortion,just as you are entitled to yours.

f3qh5g0z6vc7ob

You are both entitled to your views.

Why have you stopped having sex with her? where you having unprotected sex? If yous are worried about getting pregnant (gonna sound so old here!) THEN USE A CONDOM!!!!!!!

its really simple!!!

and you can get them free! been students an all!

hope yous make up soon!

sarahirl

i wonder about the other night bit - perchance was there alcohol involved. just asking like. funny how things go - my boyfriend n myself are the opposite. if i got pregnant i'd consider an abortion whereas he wouldn't consider it as an option at all. so to keep that from happening i take the pill and he always always uses condoms. i'd let it lie for a week or so n bring it up again. also i'd suggest extra protection, like the pill for her. this is obviously a turning point in your relationship and i wouldn't play down it's significance. as a couple you need to discuss these things as you never know what might happen. also your gf could have never really thought about the what if situation seriously, as in is just reverting to her default answer no, never, no way, but it's surprising how if you talk about things calmly then opinions can change. oh n also remind her it's 50% your baby so she'd want to respect your opinions, as you do hers, or face a serious bottle neck in the relationship.

Don't mean to sound like a douche here but I'd say it's time to let her go.

Either that or accept that if you do get her pregnant that you'll be raising a kid for the next 18 years.

lolli

Abortion is a topic which people feel very strongly about and your girlfriend was so upset because you think its an option where as she would be willing to keep and raise the baby.

No contraception is 100% so you should probably use 2 types of protection pill and condoms or something.

Everyone is entitled to their opinon. I'm sure your girlfriend will calm down. It is a conversation that comes up in most relationships. If your not ready to be a dad then be careful

dudara

The-OP wrote: »

I said I won't have sex with you anymore then and she thought I was joking,I wasn't and I'm not having sex with her anymore and she's so hurt by this and sad.

Of course she's hurt and sad. The two of you are in an intimate and loving relationship (I presume) and you're denying her physical intimacy over a point of view. BTW I think that's a bit silly on your part.

There are other ways of working out differences - like talking. Your girlfriend's views on abortion may never change (likewise yours) but you have to talk to her and not have a kneejerk reaction that hurts her and ultimately you.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Because her views on this particular subject are the complete opposite to yours. Therefore she will never understand your pov on it.
You are correct on one thing though, you shouldn't be having sex if you cannot accept the consequences of your actions.

It's not that we wouldn't face up to the consequences I would be facing up to them by dealing with it and my way of dealing with it would be having an abortion if she was to get pregnant.

Lil Kitten wrote: »

If being anti-abortion is a personal strong view point of hers than she might be shocked that you feel otherwise. I felt kind of like that when my boyfriend told me he was pro hunting and I am 100% against it.

Maybe she thinks you don't want a future with her?
Pregnant at 21 wouldn't be the end of the world. it's not like its a 15 yo knocked up on a one night stand.
Continue to have sex - get Durex extra safe condoms

Maybe look up on abortion to see the side effects it has on women. It's not an easy or pleasant choice to make. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

I know it can cause serious effects on a woman by having one and yea I do want a future with her and yes some day if we're together of course I'd want to have one with her just not now.

dudara wrote: »

Of course she's hurt and sad. The two of you are in an intimate and loving relationship (I presume) and you're denying her physical intimacy over a point of view. BTW I think that's a bit silly on your part.

There are other ways of working out differences - like talking. Your girlfriend's views on abortion may never change (likewise yours) but you have to talk to her and not have a kneejerk reaction that hurts her and ultimately you.

I do love her so much ! but it is her whole "if you get me pregnant tough !!you're going to be a dad" attitude which is what's putting me off and no we don't use condoms for the usual reasons guys don't use them and yes she's on the pill .
If she's also hurt by my desire not to have the baby if she was to get pregnant then should I not be hurt that she would have the baby since it'd be going against my wishes ?

marie_85

An ex of mine once told me that if I got pregnant, I'd be 'on the next boat to England'. We didn't last long after that.

It's a contentious issue. I'm not anti-abortion, but for me, it's not an option. For other people, it could be the right decision. Everyone should be allowed make up their own minds.

I've been in your girlfriend's situation, and all I'd personally want from a partner is some reassurance that they'd be there for me should I get pregnant. I'd want some indication that they could be mature about the entire situation and not try to force me to have an abortion if that's definitely not what I want. Basically, I want someone who can respect my point of view, even if they don't necessarily agree. So yeah, if I was your girlfriend right now, I'd be extremely 'sad' and 'hurt' as well. Or I'd be single.

TelePaul

The-OP wrote: »

and no we don't use condoms for the usual reasons guys don't use them

Oh man....what are these 'usual' reasons?

metrovelvet

The-OP wrote: »

If she's also hurt by my desire not to have the baby if she was to get pregnant then should I not be hurt that she would have the baby since it'd be going against my wishes ?

Sure, but not as hurt as the baby would be if she aborted him/her.

implausible

Of course she's hurt, you have just told her you don't want a baby with her! That is the ultimate rejection.

Either you're in a serious relationship, where you want to have a future with her and are mature enough to face all problems together, or you're not.

This is not about her hypothetically going against your wishes. This is about your refusal to consider both the consequences of being in a sexual relationship and your future together. You keep referring to your 'view'. This is not a petty argument; it's not like you have differing views on capital punishment or the merits of Cheryl Cole. You're entitled to a view, but this is something that's far more important than winning an argument; you're behaving like a child.

Me, I'd be having serious thoughts about the relationship if I was her and I'd be glad I had this conversation BEFORE anything happened. I'm surprised she's still with you; it's a deal-breaker.

The Sweeper

Your girlfriend is hurt because she feels a rejection of your potential child is also a rejection of her, as she stands at the moment. That's compounded by you now refusing to have sex with her.

For what it's worth, this is life. She would be okay with a kid. You wouldn't. You would want her to have an abortion. She wouldn't want that. You've either got to accept that if you have sex and she gets pregnant, you have no rights and will have to pay maintenance for 18 years, or you've got to move on.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't blame you for stopping sexual intimacy - at least you know your own mind. Kids are a no for you and a yes for her, and for those who keep saying 'stop worrying about it and use contraception', we're forever counselling people on this forum as to the risks of contraception failure!

dotsman

OP, don't mean to scare you or anything. But is there any chance that maybe she already is pregnant and was working her way up to telling you?

I actually agree with the no sex until this matter gets resolved (or at least slightly diffused). Condoms/Pill etc are not 100% (after the tempers subside, stick to oral/digital/anal etc:D). And as it stands (ie both extremely conflicting views), it would be a disaster if she was to get pregnant by the OP anytime soon. At least with a 1 night stand resulting in pregnancy, there is a small chance of it working out, but here, we know it certainly wouldn't.

St Bill

The-OP wrote: »

I know it can cause serious effects on a woman by having one and yea I do want a future with her and yes some day if we're together of course I'd want to have one with her just not now.

Op, it would've been far better if you said this to your girlfriend rather than saying 'having a baby would be a disaster'. Right now your girlfriend probably feels that you're in the relationship purely for no strings attached sex and nothing else.

kittensoft1984

Op, of course she is upset. She has probably seen this as a rejection of her (not helped by the no sex, which i totally agree with)

Firstly why were you not using contraception before??

Abortion is a very contentious issue with a lot of people. You need to have a talk with her and explain that although you don't necessarily want kids with her now, you are not ruling it out in the future.

metrovelvet

It could also be a case of "if you wont stand by me when theres trouble afoot then what is the point of being with you at all? Why should I take you into account at all if Im not important to you."

LegacyUser

St Bill wrote: »

Op, it would've been far better if you said this to your girlfriend rather than saying 'having a baby would be a disaster'. Right now your girlfriend probably feels that you're in the relationship purely for no strings attached sex and nothing else.

I know you're right,it's only now that I've been getting others opinions and views that I've been thinking it over more and I can see now what she might be thinking .
I'll talk to her and set things straight with her better.

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

Op, of course she is upset. She has probably seen this as a rejection of her (not helped by the no sex, which i totally agree with)

Firstly why were you not using contraception before??

Abortion is a very contentious issue with a lot of people. You need to have a talk with her and explain that although you don't necessarily want kids with her now, you are not ruling it out in the future.

We were/are, she's on the pill and we don't use condoms as it's like punching the air no feeling and it doesn't stay up for long :rolleyes: at all when I've one on so we might as well not be having sex if we were to use a condom that's why we don't.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

It could also be a case of "if you wont stand by me when theres trouble afoot then what is the point of being with you at all? Why should I take you into account at all if Im not important to you."

How is she not important to me ? because I don't want a child now ?

Chinafoot

Putting forward abortion as a quick fix that she could fit in around a shopping trip in London probably isn't helping the situation either. It's not a form of contraception. You need to be really careful when you have discussions like this. From your opening post it seems like you have little understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of abortion, and at the end of the day, you aren't the one that would have to go through it. If you discussed it with your girlfriend in the same flippant manner you have posted here, then it's no wonder she's upset.

Chinafoot

The-OP wrote: »

How is she not important to me ? because I don't want a child now ?

From what you've said though, neither does she. She would just deal with it in a very different manner. Do you want her to just say "Oh right ok, we can keep having sex with no condom, just relying on the pill, and if it happens I'll nip on the boat and go get it sorted out."? She's not going to say that. Likewise she shouldn't expect you to say "Oh right ok, we'll keep having sex with no condom, just relying on the pill, and if it happens we'll raise the baby and be a happy little family."

You need to have an adult discussion. That means both of you trying to see the other persons point of view, however hard that may be. If you decide to continue having a sexual relationship then you should do all you can to prevent pregnancy. By that I mean not just relying on her form of contraception. You've obviously told her you don't like wearing condoms and now you've told her if you get pregnant you want the baby aborted. All the while contraception is her responsibilty. That's a lot of unfair pressure. If you're so against the idea then start taking responsibilty. Go buy some condoms. There's plenty of brands that you can try out.

Refusing to have sex with her is almost like saying you don't trust her. She said she'd keep it IF it happened. She told you she doesn't want one now. Don't treat her like she'd be happy to get pregnant. It's not the same thing.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Putting forward abortion as a quick fix that she could fit in around a shopping trip in London probably isn't helping the situation either. It's not a form of contraception. You need to be really careful when you have discussions like this. From your opening post it seems like you have little understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of abortion, and at the end of the day, you aren't the one that would have to go through it. If you discussed it with your girlfriend in the same flippant manner you have posted here, then it's no wonder she's upset.

I wasn't putting it forward like the way you said ,I was saying to her that I wouldn't want a child now and I would want her to have an abortion if she was to get pregnant.
As I'm a guy I have no choice but to accept her decision on what she'd do if she was to get pregnant as the fact of the matter is guys views don't really count on things like this it's the woman that is in control so she will be the one to decide obviously.

She asked my opinion and I told her,no matter what I said she was still obviously going to be hurt or upset from not hearing me say "oh that'd be great the two of us having a baby" or that I'd be happy or ok with it, so because she didn't hear what she wanted she got upset.

metrovelvet

You see OP , by saying your not having sex with her because she said she would keep they baby, kind of sends the message that in the back of your mind abortion has been the back up birth control, when really a barrier method should have been, and abortion as birth control, will leave a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. If its that important to you NOT to be a father right now, wear a condom or be abstinent [as you are doing]. If you are unwilling to do so, do not expect a woman to get an abortion as you plan b.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

From what you've said though, neither does she. She would just deal with it in a very different manner. Do you want her to just say "Oh right ok, we can keep having sex with no condom, just relying on the pill, and if it happens I'll nip on the boat and go get it sorted out."? She's not going to say that. Likewise she shouldn't expect you to say "Oh right ok, we'll keep having sex with no condom, just relying on the pill, and if it happens we'll raise the baby and be a happy little family."

Good point

Chinafoot wrote: »

You've obviously told her you don't like wearing condoms and now you've told her if you get pregnant you want the baby aborted. All the while contraception is her responsibilty. That's a lot of unfair pressure. If you're so against the idea then start taking responsibilty. Go buy some condoms. There's plenty of brands that you can try out.

She doesn't want me to wear one either so it's not as if I am forcing her to do it without one and I've tried all the best brands there is even the ultra thin one's and it's still crap and I can't stay up for long with one on,so it's either no sex or sex without one cause with one is the same as no sex

Chinafoot wrote: »

Refusing to have sex with her is almost like saying you don't trust her. She said she'd keep it IF it happened. She told you she doesn't want one now. Don't treat her like she'd be happy to get pregnant. It's not the same thing.

Again good point but it was her attitude in saying she'd keep it that also has me a bit pissed off and one of the reasons I'm not having sex with her,the whole "if I do get pregnant I'm keeping it and there's nothing you can do about it and you'll have to do what I want and say then"

I'll talk to her again about it and explain things a bit better and clearer

dudara

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sure, but not as hurt as the baby would be if she aborted him/her.

metrovelvet DO NOT BRING THE ABORTION DEBATE INTO THIS

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

You see OP , by saying your not having sex with her because she said she would keep they baby, kind of sends the message that in the back of your mind abortion has been the back up birth control, when really a barrier method should have been, and abortion as birth control, will leave a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. If its that important to you NOT to be a father right now, wear a condom or be abstinent [as you are doing]. If you are unwilling to do so, do not expect a woman to get an abortion as you plan b.

That's quite a condescending comment to make in my opinion. I'm on the pill. My boyfriend and I have tried condoms and sex is incomparably better with out them (sounds quite similar to the OP's situation with using them). We're not using abortion as a 'back up contraception'...that just doesn't sound right. I take the pill at the same time and follow instructions EXACTLY. Apparently even so, it can still fail. Abortion would be a way of solving something we did try and prevent, not as a back up way of preventing it happening in the first place.

OP- from a woman's point of view, I sympathize with you. I'd be fairly annoyed if my boyfriend said that I would HAVE to keep the baby if I fell pregnant. Having no apparent choice in the matter would be scary. I think when two people are dating and having intercourse, similar outlooks on how they'd deal with such things would be important. We're a similar age to ye and there's no way I'd have baby. For years. If ever. I hope you can reach a level ground together.

Húrin

The-OP wrote: »

She looked very shocked at this and I said what would you do ? to which she said " well I'd keep it obviously" and I said why "obviously" you don't have to ! there's abortion.

Abortion is usually terrible. There's no two ways about that, what's hard to accept?

Chinafoot

The-OP wrote: »

Again good point but it was her attitude in saying she'd keep it that also has me a bit pissed off and one of the reasons I'm not having sex with her,the whole "if I do get pregnant I'm keeping it and there's nothing you can do about it and you'll have to do what I want and say then"

You had an emotive discussion where you both discovered you had polar opposite views. Her "attitude" was probably out of shock and may have been her way of letting you know that you won't be forcing her to have an abortion. You're right, it is her body and therefore her choice and you can't dictate what she does in that situation. She was probably surprised at the suggestion because she obviously feels strongly about it.

The "you'll have to do what I want and say then" bit really stands out. Do you think she's going to trap you with a baby? She has told you she doesn't want one now and that should be good enough for you.

If you both decided not to have sex due to an inability to agree on how you would deal with a pregnancy would be fair enough, but refusing to have sex with her because of some perceived "attitude" isn't exactly mature now is it? Are you just not going to have sex with her anymore? You won't decrease the risk of pregnancy further by using condoms so what happens now?

On the condom issue, I'm sure you could work it out. An ex of mine had problems with condoms and it took a while to get used to it but he got there in the end and it was fine. If you are willing to have sex without them then you both need to find a way to deal with any possible consequences as a couple.

The-OP wrote: »

I'll talk to her again about it and explain things a bit better and clearer

Please do.

the_syco

The-OP wrote: »

Don't ask me how we got talking about pregnancy in the first place I can't remember anyway my gf said what would I do (meaning me) if she was to get pregnant ?

The-OP wrote: »

and yes she's on the pill .

How much does she want a baby, and would she wait until after college to have it? Also, do any of her friends have kids? She may be just testing the waters, or she may feel that you're at the stage of a relationship where she can talk to you about these things.

The-OP wrote: »

no we don't use condoms for the usual reasons guys don't use them

The top four reasons why guys don't use condoms:

1. they're drunk off their head after drinking all day, and are not thinking/caring about what happens when the girl gets preggers.
2. they're immature, and believe some myth such as "having a sex standing up ensures she doesn't get preggers".
3. they're trying to have a baby with their partner.
4. they're in a long term relationship with their partner, and don't mind having a baby if it happens.

Which of the four are you? 1 & 2 are the reason why what most "lads" don't wear condoms; because they don't think about it. 3 & 4 are about guys who either don't mind having a child, or trying to make one. Stating that you don't want a child, but also you not taking any steps to prevent it, is not the cleverest thing. To paraphrase a saying: "it's all fun and games until a baby pops out".

Lollipops23

the_syco wrote: »

The top four reasons why guys don't use condoms:

1. they're drunk off their head after drinking all day, and are not thinking/caring about what happens when the girl gets preggers.
2. they're immature, and believe some myth such as "having a sex standing up ensures she doesn't get preggers".
3. they're trying to have a baby with their partner.
4. they're in a long term relationship with their partner, and don't mind having a baby if it happens.

Which of the four are you? 1 & 2 are the reason why what most "lads" don't wear condoms; because they don't think about it. 3 & 4 are about guys who either don't mind having a child, or trying to make one. Stating that you don't want a child, but also you not taking any steps to prevent it, is not the cleverest thing. To paraphrase a saying: "it's all fun and games until a baby pops out".

I'm not sure i agree-with the pill being 98% effective(when taken properly) it's fairly reasonable to not use a condom when the girl is taking it. I would,however, be cautious as to whether you trust your GF to take it right after this little spat?is she the type to "forget" one or two?if you have any doubt at all i'd use a condom-i don't believe they actually make you lose your stiffy,that's psychological.

CathyMoran

Personally, I would be of a similar viewpoint to your gf but I was dating someone with the same viewpoint - we were not the best with contraception (I was never on the pill and we used natural methods) but both of us always really wanted a baby but did not know how to tell the other person that (together 11 years 2 months). I think that you need to be with someone of the same viewpoint as it is highly unlikely that your gf will change her mind on such an important issue.

Wagon

Sadly it's one of those topics that can spark a lot of heated debate on both sides. I can see the viewpoints of each, and as we're lads we don't have to go through the process of abortion. So we can't really call on it sadly, at least not in the eyes of society. Have a chat to her, just word it better than you did the first time. Your post earlier about saying that you do want a future with her but just not a kid right now is a good way of putting it.

For the record there's nothing wrong with your viewpoint and neither is there anything wrong with hers. You just clash on this issue. So the solution is to just hit a compromise.

username123

the_syco wrote: »

The top four reasons why guys don't use condoms:

1. they're drunk off their head after drinking all day, and are not thinking/caring about what happens when the girl gets preggers.
2. they're immature, and believe some myth such as "having a sex standing up ensures she doesn't get preggers".
3. they're trying to have a baby with their partner.
4. they're in a long term relationship with their partner, and don't mind having a baby if it happens.

I dont agree with this. Every relationship Ive ever been in where we agreed to not use condoms (me on the pill), the number 1 reason that the guys didnt want to wear them is the same as the OPs - loss of sensation, less enjoyment etc....
In all cases we discussed what would happen with pill failure. The overwhelming response to that was the guy saying he would respect whatever decision I made.

jim o doom

the_syco wrote: »

blah top 4 reasons

And then there are the people in a committed relationship (getting married even) who neither want children nor condoms & rely on the pill alone & in fact are both so horrified by the idea (her even more than me) that if it came down to it abortion would be an option. Boiling something so serious down in to 4 ridiculous things like that, clearly to make fun of/mock how you think the OP feels is counter productive..

anyone can make up a "top 4 reasons" that has nothing to do with reality just like you did there.. I mean other than the option "mature man who wouldn't mind having a child", which the OP clearly isn't you are therefore bracketing him in to one of the other three options, just because you don't agree with abortion or how he feels doesnt mean he is a douche bag - he's 21 (which was an age nobody I know was particularily mature at). It's a pathetically sly dig.

Bottle_of_Smoke

OP,

You can't ever expect a girl to have an abortion, nothing to do with the pro-life/choice debate, it's a surgical operation which could cause her to become infertile. My girlfriend decided she'd never have one after hearing the latter and that's fair enough if you ask me.

I think you'll find that while a lot of girls are pro-choice politically they are pro-life personally. So either get used to condoms or you won't be having sex.

wolfpawnat

OP I am 21 and 36 weeks pregnant.
My bf and I are both students too.

When I first found out all my bf could see was the world crumbling down around him, we both wanted to go to Africa and work with animals and other things like that. He as good as called me selfish for not considering having an abortion. (I am severely anti-without good reason abortion)

I respect you see it as a good and viable option, but you have to remember one thing, if any woman ever got pregnant by you, you are not the one who has to go to a foreign country, go into the clinic and have it removed fro your body, if you are over 9 weeks pregnant they have to do what is called a physically invasive abortion. I am not going off on an anti abortion rant I am saying think how that can make someone feel. I am not one of these battle of the sexes people, but a guy will never had to go through with that procedure so ultimately that option can only occur if the girl agrees to it.

I am never telling the baby this, but my bf had a holiday to England booked for not long after I found out I was pregnant, so I decided to look into abortion and I booked a place, on the morning of said date my bf and I looked at each other, and we both said no this isn't for us, I was beyond relieved.

The thought of going to a clinic (I insisted I didn't want him to join me because if he did I would blame him forever) and what they would do to me reminded me of a scene from saw or hostel. I to this day (admittedly only half a year later) shudder at the thought that I nearly left the house that day to do it.

You have to respect that you and your gf have different opinions on a very difficult topic. But you seem confused she doesn't see this from your point of view, it is clear you don't see it from hers either, most people can only see things from their own point of view, her opinion is as valid as yours even though you don't see it that way, just as yours is as valid as hers!:)

If you don't want to risk pregnancy, yes abstinence is the ultimate contraception, but if you want to continue the relationship (as she clearly wants to continue having sex) ye need to discuss long term contraception, the bar, the injection, the coil, the pill etc. if you use the pill, use condoms too, that's where I went wrong!

Sorry for the length of the reply

Antilles

Lollipops23 wrote: »

with the pill being 98% effective(when taken properly) it's fairly reasonable to not use a condom when the girl is taking it.

Where on earth does that logic come from? The pill is only 98% effective. That means that 1 in 50 times it is ineffective. I've had sex with my GF a hell of a lot more than 50 times, so if we were to rely on the pill we'd already have a child. It is madness not to use double protection.

seamus

The-OP wrote: »

I wasn't putting it forward like the way you said ,I was saying to her that I wouldn't want a child now and I would want her to have an abortion if she was to get pregnant.
As I'm a guy I have no choice but to accept her decision on what she'd do if she was to get pregnant as the fact of the matter is guys views don't really count on things like this it's the woman that is in control so she will be the one to decide obviously.

Half of the problem is that guys tend to see an abortion as an easy solution, and you clearly do. Like throwing out a pizza that you accidentally burned. And from a purely logical viewpoint, it is. Many women though, regardless of moral standpoint, are eager to actually have a child, but recognise that there is a "best time" to do these things. So the thought of aborting a pregnancy goes against their feelings, even at this point in time, because the desire to have a child does exist.

I remember my gf saying to me when I was 22ish, that she would have a baby with me now, if she didn't have a whole pile of things she wanted to do first. That is, she wants a child, but she recognised that doing things like finishing college and getting your feet careerwise are easier to do when you don't have a child. But that doesn't mean that if a child comes along accidentally, you might as well get rid of it and continue on - life doesn't end when a child comes along.

You also have to remember that for all intents and purposes, an abortion is an invasive medical procedure with potential side-effects. If your girlfriend said to you tomorrow;

"Just to avoid any possibility of pregnancy, why don't you go off there and get a vasectomy. Then when we want kids, you can have it reversed."

Have a good long think about that, and how you would feel, what you would do. Then you might understand her point of view.

the_syco

jim o doom wrote: »

anyone can make up a "top 4 reasons" that has nothing to do with reality just like you did there.. I mean other than the option "mature man who wouldn't mind having a child", which the OP clearly isn't you are therefore bracketing him in to one of the other three options, just because you don't agree with abortion or how he feels doesnt mean he is a douche bag - he's 21 (which was an age nobody I know was particularily mature at). It's a pathetically sly dig.

After reading the repies, I suppose I need to apologize. I son't fully agree with what you say above, but do acknowledge you have a point.

Saying that, it comes down to trust. If you're both content to wait, cool, the pill should be ok. If she wants a baby now, the pill may not work fully.

LegacyUser

OP, communicating with your girlfriend will hopefully see ye through this. If she didn't change her view point, would you leave her?

wolfpawnat wrote: »

OP I am 21 and 36 weeks pregnant.
if you use the pill, use condoms too, that's where I went wrong!

That has freaked me out a lot. I solely rely on the pill. Lots of posts here mention the pill failing!. Did you know the reason for it failing? (like antibiotics/ diarrhea etc. I'm afraid to go near those hot drinks for colds!)

wolfpawnat

Antilles wrote: »

Where on earth does that logic come from? The pill is only 98% effective. That means that 1 in 50 times it is ineffective. I've had sex with my GF a hell of a lot more than 50 times, so if we were to rely on the pill we'd already have a child. It is madness not to use double protection.

I was taking the pill correctly, no alternative meds, no vomitting, diarrohea, religiously took it every day, no logical reason for it not to work, I am due the baby in 27 days, Sh!t happens. Dont know why though!:)

Yes my own fault for not double protecting, I am so going on another method of cotraception after this though!

Storm_rages

Hi OP,

Only had time for a quick scan of the posts so don't kill me if i missed this already, But you can't have any type of sane talk with your partner that ends with "well if that's the way you feel, i'm not having sex with you!". That would drive me mad and would result with me firing back "fine, no sex for you!". You can't use sex in that manner.

I understand why you would be scared to have sex but you have both put your views across but if you want this to work you have to look at a way to solve the problem not just withdraw services!

You would want an abortion, she won't have one, that problem can't be fixed but can i suggest you put your efforts into making dam sure she never gets pregnant, and if that means using a condom .. well it beats months of no sex.

Appleguy

Op i think its just a tact issue. I had trouble for years with girlfriends because i had no tact. What this means is basically putting your foot in it when you really don't mean it.

I don't know if you know it yet but women are alltogether a totally different species to men and can be confusing to the average men to understand at times. Its all about choosing your words carefully to avoid upset.

Firstly try to stay away from hypothetical situations. Theyre a bit ridiculous in my mind.
If something bad goes wrong there will be plenty of time to find a solution then.

Lets practise:

Girl:
"What would you do if i became pregnant"
You:
"I'd do my best to help and support you in any way" ** Hugs and end of ridiculous conversation for nothing**

Girl:
"Well i'd keep it obviously"
You
"Would you not be concerned that its not the right time in our lives for a child? While i would eventually like a child or children with you eventually i'm not sure that that would be the right thing to do if were both still studying towards our degees"

This would have got you further than "abortion" or whatever

And finally

Girl:
"Does my bum look big in this?"
you:
Even if her arse is the size of mt kilimanjaro "you look absolutely beautiful and those jeans really compliment your figure, are they new? "

Good luck

Hope this helps somewhat i find it helps keep the peace most of the time.

Jumpy

Antilles wrote: »

Where on earth does that logic come from? The pill is only 98% effective. That means that 1 in 50 times it is ineffective. I've had sex with my GF a hell of a lot more than 50 times, so if we were to rely on the pill we'd already have a child. It is madness not to use double protection.

Heh. I think you are mistaking a 1 in 50 chance as "1 in every 50 times"

username123

Antilles wrote: »

Where on earth does that logic come from? The pill is only 98% effective. That means that 1 in 50 times it is ineffective. I've had sex with my GF a hell of a lot more than 50 times, so if we were to rely on the pill we'd already have a child. It is madness not to use double protection.

This is a misinterpetation of statistics - what effective 98% of the time means is that each time you have sex you have a 2% chance of falling pregnant - not that 1 in every 50 times you have sex the pill is ineffective.

This statistic is based on a large sampling of women, who 'say' they took it correctly - and 2% of the sample fell pregnant.

It does not mean that if you and your GF have sex 50 times she will get pregnant on the 50th go.

LegacyUser

have had a similar conversation with the gf recently enough. I know what my thoughts on the subject are, similar to most males. The biggest issue I feel, is that ultimately the decision is out of our hands. Some have said its not the end of the world, well im sorry but it would be were it to happen to me. On the flip side, while it is the womans decision to have or not, you have to take the good with the bad, the father can walk away to a large extent, its the woman who will be taking the brunt of the decision. By my nature I highly doubt Id ever do that to one of my own. But there are alot of men out there, who will walk away permanently and not want to know. Now im not saying I agree with this 100%, but at the very least were the worst to happen, I think it should be looked at on a case to case basis. There is a very big difference between having an unplanned pregnancy in your early or late twenties! The implications of a child are so huge, Id question whether those little girls in particular saying "oh id definetly keep it" alot of them probably dont have the capacity to look after themselves, let alone a child!

Bottle_of_Smoke

username123 wrote: »

This is a misinterpetation of statistics - what effective 98% of the time means is that each time you have sex you have a 2% chance of falling pregnant - not that 1 in every 50 times you have sex the pill is ineffective.

This statistic is based on a large sampling of women, who 'say' they took it correctly - and 2% of the sample fell pregnant.

It does not mean that if you and your GF have sex 50 times she will get pregnant on the 50th go.

I don't really understand either. what causes the 2 percent chance of getting pregnant?