Domestic violence men / women

anndunnelim

Was on another board earlier and there was a discussion regarding domestic violence against men. I personally have never come across it and just wondered if many men on this site have experience of it, either personal or friends etc.
The discussion was started due to the ads currently running on TV and possibly radio that depict the man as being the perpetrator. I would have though that most (not all) DV is against women and children which is why the ads are like that. What would your opinion be on which is more prevalent in society? Ann.

biko

No experience but I would suggest that battered men will not report it because they feel ashamed.

Cinful

biko wrote: »

No experience but I would suggest that battered men will not report it because they feel ashamed.

There's merit to this observation. Yet, men are in the DV minority. Physically weaker women and children are more often DV targets by men.

The_Minister

There's meant to be a fair amount of domestic violence in gay relationships (saw a cite that said the rate was 10% higher or something but that was in America, and their studies suck) so both victim and perpetrator would be male in that situation.

I think also that the fact that women tend to be physically weaker (I'm generalising, I know), means that even though they may be abusive, they may do less damage. I've often seen girls hit their boyfriends hard enough that if it was the other way around it would be abuse, but most guys can take it.

If you read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_against_men#Gender_aspects_of_abuse, you will see that women tend to overall abuse men as much or more, but the severity of the abuse is very different - a woman punching a man in the arm does less damage then a man.

stovelid

The brother of a very close friend has been assaulted by his wife (hitting, throwing a cup of tea over him) on more than one occasion.

Phototoxin

from the female 'slant' even shouting is defined as assault (verbal assault). So if a woman screams at a man isn't she assaulting him? Unfortunately society tells us that men should suck it up and bend over backwards to be gentlemanly while women have no such societal restrictions.

994

The_Minister wrote: »

There's meant to be a fair amount of domestic violence in gay relationships (saw a cite that said the rate was 10% higher or something but that was in America, and their studies suck) so both victim and perpetrator would be male in that situation.

I think also that the fact that women tend to be physically weaker (I'm generalising, I know), means that even though they may be abusive, they may do less damage. I've often seen girls hit their boyfriends hard enough that if it was the other way around it would be abuse, but most guys can take it.

If you read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_against_men#Gender_aspects_of_abuse, you will see that women tend to overall abuse men as much or more, but the severity of the abuse is very different - a woman punching a man in the arm does less damage then a man.

But isn't it the psychological damage of someone you love attacking you? I mean, breaking your wrist in fall and breaking your wrist by someone attacking you with a hammer will have very different effects. Also I think I read that due to weakness women are more likely to use weapons?

johnnyskeleton

Domestic violence is just one facet of domestic abuse, which also includes emotional, mental and sexual abuse. Overall, I understand actual violence to be a smaller part of overall domestic abuse, but it is the part that (together with sexual abuse) gets greatest attention.

Anecdotally, the majority of abuse suffered by men at the hands of women would be emotional abuse.

As regards the women are physically weaker argument, some domestic abuse can be in the form of a woman making false complaints of mistreatment by her partner to her brother/father/friend with the intention of getting the brother/father/friend to "sort him out".

Rebeller

anndunnelim wrote: »

I would have though that most (not all) DV is against women and children which is why the ads are like that. What would your opinion be on which is more prevalent in society? Ann.

My own view is that we have been conditioned to automatically accept that the male is always the perpetrator and the female always the victim, regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

Unfortunately, for many involved in the area domestic violence, or more particularly violence against women, has become a sort of self sustaining industry whereby huge amounts of funding are available to promote a particularly narrow view of what exactly constitutes domestic violence.

In order to ensure continued funding it is vital for certain organisations to continually promote the view that all men are potential abusers and all women potential victims. In other words, constant vigilance and education is required in order to reduce the prevalence of violence against women in society, the prevalence of which I do not believe is as widespread as we are led to believe (at least in the western world).

The focus of many organisations involved in the area seems to be less about providing support, assistance and advice for actual victims (regardless of their gender) and more about promoting the perpetuation of an fringe feminist view of male female societal relationships.

Take a look at this blog maintained by Erin Pizzey, a courageous, honourable women who has devoted her life to the support of those who have been the victim of domestic violence.

She is the founder of Women's Aid in Britain so is anything but a misogynist. Her views and honesty about the reality of domestic violence are truly refreshing. Her willingness to see beyond the hate-filled ideology and misandry of some in the feminist movement is a clear demonstration of her courage, foresight, intelligence and pioneering nature.

994

Cinful wrote: »

There's merit to this observation. Yet, men are in the DV minority. Physically weaker women and children are more often DV targets by men.

Women actually commit the large majority of child abuse (unsurprising as a woman is a lot more likely to have the opportunity).

Particularly dislike the latest ads: "He raped her. Again." "He broke her jaw. Again." Is it just me or do they seem more focused on hatred towards perpetrators than sympathy towards victims? Their tagline is "End the silence"; a focus on the sufferering of victims would be more likely to encourage people to report DV. And a focus on male victims would gain bigger interest, ultimately highlighting abuse by both sexes; but it would not fit ideological purposes.

Bottle_of_Smoke

We'll never know for sure but I'd imagine women do it less. And men would be far more reluctant to report

K-9

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

We'll never know for sure but I'd imagine women do it less. And men would be far more reluctant to report

I would tend to agree but I think men are told to stay in a relationship with Emotional abuse or some Physical abuse. People would say, "sure she slapped you etc., will you work it out." There's an element of the man deserving it subconsciously or "she's only a woman". Very sexist when you think of it.

Reverse the situation and rightly the woman would be told to leave.

There is a hypocrisy in that the men are stronger line is used against us when leaving a relationship. Does it really matter if you are being abused?

CDfm

for the latest skinny on this check out www.amen.ie

Here are some excerpts from the site and while it is estimated that there are probably an equal number of male victims of Domestic Violence Victims as there are women Victims nonetheless 99% 0f state funding goes to Womens Groups and only 1% to male groups.:eek:




Many people do not believe or realise that men can be victims of domestic violence. It can be very difficult for a man to come forward and admit that he is a victim of domestic abuse. In 2005 the National Crime Council found that only 1 in 20 men reported abuse to the Gardaí.



Some facts for those who do not believe:

In 2005 the National Crime Council published the first ever large scale study on the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against women and men in Ireland.

They found that:

29% of women and 26% of men suffer domestic abuse.

*
13% of women and 13% of men suffer physical abuse.
*
Only 1 in 20 men compared to 1 in 3 women reported the abuse to the Gardai

CDfm

anndunnelim wrote: »

Was on another board earlier and there was a discussion regarding domestic violence against men. I personally have never come across it and just wondered if many men on this site have experience of it, either personal or friends etc.
The discussion was started due to the ads currently running on TV and possibly radio that depict the man as being the perpetrator. I would have though that most (not all) DV is against women and children which is why the ads are like that. What would your opinion be on which is more prevalent in society? Ann.

check out www.amen.ie and you might be disabused of your notions

All goes to show you shouldnt always believe what youn read in the media.

Asking a question like who has experienced it may be more appropriate in Personal issues as people can post anonymously.

Macha

994 wrote: »

But isn't it the psychological damage of someone you love attacking you? I mean, breaking your wrist in fall and breaking your wrist by someone attacking you with a hammer will have very different effects. Also I think I read that due to weakness women are more likely to use weapons?

I have heard stats for women killed in DV in Ireland but none on men being killed in DV:

Since the beginning of 1996, 134 women have been murdered in Ireland. Of those 84 were killed in their own homes. Of the cases which have been resolved, in just under half (49% of the cases, the murder was committed by a partner or ex-partner.

http://www.womensaid.ie/

Does anyone have any?

I don't think the physicality of attacks can be dismissed, although of course the psychological side can be very damaging.

CDfm

taconnol wrote: »

I have heard stats for women killed in DV in Ireland but none on men being killed in DV:



http://www.womensaid.ie/

Does anyone have any?

I don't think the physicality of attacks can be dismissed, although of course the psychological side can be very damaging.

I havent seen any but if you said the case of the Chip Shop Owner Shotgunned in Dublin - that wont appear as murder as neither of the women tried were found guilty.THere was another women whose conviction was manslaughter and whose family complained and contested the conviction in the Victim Impact Statement phase. I cant remember the case but this again would not be murder.

There have also been a lot of cases where women have claimed to be sufferering from Abused Spouse Syndrome and IMHO these have not been backed by proof. I am cynical about this defence tactic.

So there would seem to be a reluctance on behalf of prosecutors to prosecute and juries to convict women.

I would like to see the source of these stats and would really like to see the source of and methodoligy of the stats used by Womens Aid.

That said - murder is wrong and perpetrators should be locked up. DV is damaging irrespective of the gender of the Victim.

The_Minister

I would personally be very cynical about abused spouse syndrome.

Woman goes next to bed, and knifes husband to death while he sleeps - then gets off.

Rebeller

taconnol wrote: »

I have heard stats for women killed in DV in Ireland but none on men being killed in DV:



http://www.womensaid.ie/

Does anyone have any?

I don't think the physicality of attacks can be dismissed, although of course the psychological side can be very damaging.

Why does the murder of a woman by a man necessarily have to be linked to the domestic violence phenomenon? Yes, indeed the murder of a women within her own home by her partner does suggest the existence of a domestic violence type "dynamic".

However, promoting the view that women should somehow maintain a constant state of vigilance and paranoia about men and their inherently violent nature (something which I feel many of the domestic violence campaigns do) does no favours for either gender.

Surely murder is murder, regardless of the gender of both perpetrator or victim. Why does everything have to be broken down on gender lines? True equality can and will never be achieved if we continue with this pointless promotion of perpetual victimhood.

Willingness to commit physical violence and extreme aggression is not unique to the male of the species. However, certain fringe feminists have decided that only violence perpetrated by men against women is worthy of analysis and investigation. The preponderance of female on male violence is almost always dismissed as an urban myth or an infrequent aberration. I contend that it is neither.

Anyone who is seriously worried about the domestic violence phenomenon should be more concerned with providing practical advice and support to actual victims rather than promoting a bipolar misandristic/misogynistic view of male-female social relationships.

Murder is certainly not a gender issue. If it was, women in Ireland would have a much greater likelihood of being the victim of it than men. The below table clearly shows in all European countries (bar Austria) the victims of murder are predominantly male.


Victims of selected crimes, 2000
% of category of victims
Homicide
Country Men Women
Austria 34.7 65.3
Cyprus 83.3 16.7
Czech Republic 65.6 24.7
Finland 67.8 32.2
Germany 64.2 35.8
Ireland 78.6 21.4
Latvia 68.3 31.7
Lithuania 71.2 28.8
Netherlands 66.7 33.3
Slovakia 76.0 24.1
Slovenia 65.5 34.5
United Kingdom 70.4 29.6


Source:UNECE, Gender statistics database

The above table might be a bit jumbled. It was copied and pasted from a pdf document.

Monkey61

So what's going on in Austria there compared to the rest of Europe??

What interests me is the difference between domestic "violence" and domestic "abuse" as a whole. If you look at television representations of wife beaters they are generally manipulative, psychopathic bullies who carry out horrendous emotional abuse as well as violence. The violent acts are more of a symptom of abuse as opposed to being the abuse itself - yet the violence itself is what outside observers tend to focus all their energies on.

What bothers me about campaigns and advertisements for awareness in general is that they focus on an act of physical violence as always being tantamount to "abuse" and as a clear sign of a person being the aforementioned psychopathic bully - which clearly is not the case. There is a big difference between a person who systematically terrorises their partner and one who loses the head in an argument and gives a slap.

I think that until campaigns focus on domestic abuse as being about more than just physical violence, then awareness of men as victims in these situations isn't going to be prioritised. Because of the man/woman, stronger/weaker binary - society at large is always subconsciously going to view violent acts committed by women against men as less serious and less damaging - by virtue of the fact that physically (rather than emotionally) they generally would be less damaging.

CDfm

Monkey61 wrote: »

So what's going on in Austria there compared to the rest of Europe??

What interests me is the difference between domestic "violence" and domestic "abuse" as a whole. If you look at television representations of wife beaters they are generally manipulative, psychopathic bullies who carry out horrendous emotional abuse as well as violence. The violent acts are more of a symptom of abuse as opposed to being the abuse itself - yet the violence itself is what outside observers tend to focus all their energies on.

What bothers me about campaigns and advertisements for awareness in general is that they focus on an act of physical violence as always being tantamount to "abuse" and as a clear sign of a person being the aforementioned psychopathic bully - which clearly is not the case. There is a big difference between a person who systematically terrorises their partner and one who loses the head in an argument and gives a slap.

I think that until campaigns focus on domestic abuse as being about more than just physical violence, then awareness of men as victims in these situations isn't going to be prioritised. Because of the man/woman, stronger/weaker binary - society at large is always subconsciously going to view violent acts committed by women against men as less serious and less damaging - by virtue of the fact that physically (rather than emotionally) they generally would be less damaging.

I dont think you can gender stereotype - in the UK the view is men and women abuse equally. So its really down to individuals rather then a gender.

The threat is part of the abuse and the powerlessness of the victim to fight back another.

The_Minister

Monkey61 wrote: »

There is a big difference between a person who systematically terrorises their partner and one who loses the head in an argument and gives a slap.

:rolleyes:
Well, as long as you didn't mean it....

Bottle_of_Smoke

Seanies32 wrote: »

I would tend to agree but I think men are told to stay in a relationship with Emotional abuse or some Physical abuse. People would say, "sure she slapped you etc., will you work it out." There's an element of the man deserving it subconsciously or "she's only a woman". Very sexist when you think of it.

Reverse the situation and rightly the woman would be told to leave.

There is a hypocrisy in that the men are stronger line is used against us when leaving a relationship. Does it really matter if you are being abused?

I'd certainly walk if there was any physical abuse from a girlfriend. Not because I'd feel in fear, just I think that would reveal something about their personality I hadn't expected & wouldn't like. I also think most people would tell a guy to walk immediately if there were no kids involved, whereas with women they'll say to walk anyway because there's more of an immediate physical danger.

I think abuse will only happen if the victim has very low self esteem. So regardless of the abuse being physical or mental the person should generally leave in most cases anyway

CDfm

Monkey61 wrote: »

What bothers me about campaigns and advertisements for awareness in general is that they focus on an act of physical violence as always being tantamount to "abuse" and as a clear sign of a person being the aforementioned psychopathic bully - which clearly is not the case. There is a big difference between a person who systematically terrorises their partner and one who loses the head in an argument and gives a slap.

Say as a guy you believe DV is wrong and hitting your partner is wrong -those ideas and values are correct and there is nothing wrong with them. Most guys I know would acknowledge hitting women is wrong and to do it even once is one time too many.I dont think I have ever seen statements by womens aid acknowledging the scope of female to male and children violence. Ever.

What bothers me about DV media advertising is it focuses on the women as victim and excuses women as perpetrators. Women are far more likely to be physically abusive to children -yet this is not acknowledged - it portrays the children as victims to of men - so the impression left with the viewer is wrong and intentionally misleading.

Macha

CDfm wrote: »

I havent seen any but if you said the case of the Chip Shop Owner Shotgunned in Dublin - that wont appear as murder as neither of the women tried were found guilty.THere was another women whose conviction was manslaughter and whose family complained and contested the conviction in the Victim Impact Statement phase. I cant remember the case but this again would not be murder.

True, the problem with these cases is that the truth is often so difficult to uncover. In that regard, they're very similar to rape cases.

Definite cases are "Scissors Sisters", Catherine Nevin, the pub down in Wicklow...can't remember her name..

CDfm wrote: »

There have also been a lot of cases where women have claimed to be sufferering from Abused Spouse Syndrome and IMHO these have not been backed by proof. I am cynical about this defence tactic.

So there would seem to be a reluctance on behalf of prosecutors to prosecute and juries to convict women.

I think these have to be taken on a case-by-case basis. You can't blanked-label all Abused Spouse Syndrome cases as bogus.

CDfm wrote: »

I would like to see the source of these stats and would really like to see the source of and methodoligy of the stats used by Womens Aid.

What statistical manipulation is involved? They are stating cases of murder and only taking the statistic of 49% from those cases that have been "resolved" or solved. There is no bi- or tri-variate analysis involved.

Rebeller wrote: »

Why does the murder of a woman by a man necessarily have to be linked to the domestic violence phenomenon?

I didn't say it did..

Rebeller wrote: »

Yes, indeed the murder of a women within her own home by her partner does suggest the existence of a domestic violence type "dynamic".

Not just suggest, Rebeller. That is the definition of domestic violence (and vice versa, men being murdered by a partner/family member):

Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse or spousal abuse) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

Rebeller wrote: »

However, promoting the view that women should somehow maintain a constant state of vigilance and paranoia about men and their inherently violent nature (something which I feel many of the domestic violence campaigns do) does no favours for either gender.

I totally agree. I particularly hate those scare-mongering emails that do the rounds occasionally. It just puts both genders in boxes and labels them.

Rebeller wrote: »

Surely murder is murder, regardless of the gender of both perpetrator or victim. Why does everything have to be broken down on gender lines? True equality can and will never be achieved if we continue with this pointless promotion of perpetual victimhood.

Because if one group of people (be it a specific gender or race, etc) is disproportionately affected by a certain issues, it often helps to recognise it and help address the issue. I don't see how ignoring the fact that women are more likely to suffer from domestic violence helps. The problem arises when this fact is twisted into the idea that women are always the victim and men are always the aggressor.

Although to be honest, I think other issues are more important than gender in domestic violence. For example, the AMEN website showed that half of admissions to women's refuges are from the travelling community - that's shocking!

Rebeller wrote: »

Willingness to commit physical violence and extreme aggression is not unique to the male of the species. However, certain fringe feminists have decided that only violence perpetrated by men against women is worthy of analysis and investigation. The preponderance of female on male violence is almost always dismissed as an urban myth or an infrequent aberration. I contend that it is neither.

Totally agree.

Rebeller wrote: »

Murder is certainly not a gender issue. If it was, women in Ireland would have a much greater likelihood of being the victim of it than men. The below table clearly shows in all European countries (bar Austria) the victims of murder are predominantly male.

We're not talking about murder in general. We're talking about domestic violence. Although, I agree that gender shouldn't come into it.

CDfm wrote: »

What bothers me about DV media advertising is it focuses on the women as victim and excuses women as perpetrators. Women are far more likely to be physically abusive to children -yet this is not acknowledged - it portrays the children as victims to of men - so the impression left with the viewer is wrong and intentionally misleading.

You definitely have a point...

CDfm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I think abuse will only happen if the victim has very low self esteem. So regardless of the abuse being physical or mental the person should generally leave in most cases anyway

If you had a huge mortgage a few kids and nowhere to go -you would walk out.

I think that is so cool. Theres a little bit of me says let the female abuser walk after all she is in the wrong.

Please explain why the victim here should leave?

Macha

I think maybe s/he meant that the person should leave the abusive relationship, not necessarily abandon their kids or home.

CDfm

taconnol wrote: »

I think maybe s/he meant that the person should leave the abusive relationship, not necessarily abandon their kids or home.

A man should never abandon the home but seek a Barring order.

Its ridiculous to reward the female abuser with the home and children. .

Bottle_of_Smoke

CDfm wrote: »

If you had a huge mortgage a few kids and nowhere to go -you would walk out.

I think that is so cool. Theres a little bit of me says let the female abuser walk after all she is in the wrong.

Please explain why the victim here should leave?

Ok that's different. I wasn't including a mortgage/house when I said that. I actually more meant "break up" by walk.

In that situation I'dtell her the relationship was over and, as you said, it would be up to her to find somewhere else in the meantime.

CDfm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Ok that's different. I wasn't including a mortgage/house when I said that. I actually more meant "break up" by walk.

In that situation I'dtell her the relationship was over and, as you said, it would be up to her to find somewhere else in the meantime.

Thats the point -its not in the interest of any victims (male or females) not to use the law as its all they have.So taking action and ending the relationship without legal protection is a Knee jerk reaction and is not in your interest. Fail.

Unfortunately, promoting a gender bias in the system can assist the female abuser in the same way Male Rapists do in Court. This needs to be stamped out with big feet.

Phototoxin

well if a fella says 'you're out' and the house is in both their name the woman is going to end up with the house and kids. Therefore murder is probably the most logical option.

I think also that the fact that women tend to be physically weaker (I'm generalising, I know), means that even though they may be abusive, they may do less damage. I've often seen girls hit their boyfriends hard enough that if it was the other way around it would be abuse, but most guys can take it.

Surely the extent of the damage is irrelevant. Also the 'he can take it' attitude probably contributes to the male ashamedness

My own view is that we have been conditioned to automatically accept that the male is always the perpetrator and the female always the victim, regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

Yes, this is the problem. FFS even in sex ed if you have testicles you were made to feel like a rapist! (no joke)

In order to ensure continued funding it is vital for certain organisations to continually promote the view that all men are potential abusers and all women potential victims. In other words, constant vigilance and education is required in order to reduce the prevalence of violence against women in society, the prevalence of which I do not believe is as widespread as we are led to believe (at least in the western world).

But all women are potential abusers too. Its like the pœdophilia thing - MAN WITH A CAMERA = PERVERT. Woman with a camera is fine. Bizzare.

Murder is certainly not a gender issue. If it was, women in Ireland would have a much greater likelihood of being the victim of it than men. The below table clearly shows in all European countries (bar Austria) the victims of murder are predominantly male.

it is a gender issue - more men die.

Well, as long as you didn't mean it....

she likes it, that's why she was wearing the corset and blindfold :pac:

Nasty_Girl

Phototoxin wrote: »

Also the 'he can take it' attitude probably contributes to the male ashamedness

Where does the "he can take it" attitude come from?
Other men? Men and women? Just women?

A couple of years ago I was lsitening to a phone show (possibly the one on fm104 but can't be sure) and they were discussing the topic of DV against men by women and a man ... claiming to be a guard ... said that if a man came in and told him his wife was abusing him he'd laugh him out of the station and tell him to "grow a pair".
Now I don't believe for one moment this caller was a guard but even so I found this a disgusting comment for anyone to say.
I think in general men need to be encouraged to know this can happen to them and women are not nessecarily weak little flowers.
I also think women need to be educated in that you can't just go around kicking guys in the balls, slapping them and chucking drinks in their faces.
What happened to respect...

994

Phototoxin wrote: »

well if a fella says 'you're out' and the house is in both their name the woman is going to end up with the house and kids. Therefore murder is probably the most logical option.

One very scary thing I read was that the husband murdering wife/wife murdering husband ratio was about 1 in the 70's. It's now 4:1; it's theorised that abusive wives don't need to kill a man any more to "punish" him and get his stuff, they can just divorce him.

CDfm

994 wrote: »

it's theorised that abusive wives don't need to kill a man any more to "punish" him and get his stuff, they can just divorce him.

Its not just theory the Family Law System then becomes the weapon of choice.The "in camera" system allows it to be done and sanctioned by the state. Thats a real kick in the head.

Wacker

taconnol wrote: »

I have heard stats for women killed in DV in Ireland but none on men being killed in DV:



http://www.womensaid.ie/

Does anyone have any?

Here you go. Not a stat, but a case:

http://www.rte.ie/news/2003/1215/cotterg.html

CDfm

Wacker wrote: »

Here you go. Not a stat, but a case:

http://www.rte.ie/news/2003/1215/cotterg.html

so that wont be recorded as murder then-her finger slipped:rolleyes:

Ostrom

The_Minister wrote: »

There's meant to be a fair amount of domestic violence in gay relationships (saw a cite that said the rate was 10% higher or something but that was in America, and their studies suck) so both victim and perpetrator would be male in that situation.

I think also that the fact that women tend to be physically weaker (I'm generalising, I know), means that even though they may be abusive, they may do less damage. I've often seen girls hit their boyfriends hard enough that if it was the other way around it would be abuse, but most guys can take it.

If you read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_against_men#Gender_aspects_of_abuse, you will see that women tend to overall abuse men as much or more, but the severity of the abuse is very different - a woman punching a man in the arm does less damage then a man.

I remember reading a paper on domestic abuse in lesbian relationships a few years back, seemed to be relatively prevalent. I can dig out the citation if there's any interest

CDfm

efla wrote: »

I remember reading a paper on domestic abuse in lesbian relationships a few years back, seemed to be relatively prevalent. I can dig out the citation if there's any interest

that would be really interesting

limklad

taconnol wrote: »

I have heard stats for women killed in DV in Ireland but none on men being killed in DV:



http://www.womensaid.ie/

Does anyone have any?

I don't think the physicality of attacks can be dismissed, although of course the psychological side can be very damaging.

While my Father is a selfish prick, It is My mother is who drove the abuse within the family.

http://www.dvmen.org/ Colorado based website.
http://dahmw.org/ US based website
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/domestic.htm UK Based website

Bulling in the Family is far more common. It is the high degree of DVthat is prevalent is what people is denying to their shame, just like all of the denial of the abuse from State and Religious bodies caused so much hurt over the past 80 years.

http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm wrote:

Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses?) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (eg guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation, and are especially prone to exploiting those who are most emotionally needy. Elderly relatives, those with infirmity, illness, those with the greatest vulnerability, or those who are emotionally needy or behaviourally immature family members are likely to be favourite targets for exploitation.

Serial bullies can be male or female - the main difference is that female bullies are more devious, more manipulative, more cunning, more sly, more psychological, more subtle, leave less evidence and will often bully with a smile. Female bullies will often manipulate a male into committing their violence for them. Male bullies tend to be less subtle, have a tendency towards physical aggression, and are generally less clever than female bullies.

I survived abuse by my mother since childhood,
This Page http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm is typical of my mother.

I was in a relationship a few years ago where the girl changed over a period of time due to stress from her job, her family, and other physical concerns. She never tried to hit me, but she did turn to emotional attacks. She felt better by attacking my values, my status, my commitment to the relationship etc. Personally, I found the emotional abuse to be more painful than any physical attack. Society tells men that we should just suck it up and dismiss it. I mentioned it to male and female friends, and their attitude was to shrug it off. Almost as if they were used to hearing it, or experiencing it themselves. You probably wouldn't be suprised by the number of people who assumed that I caused her to behave in this manner. I couldn't accept it and after a few months of enduring it I left.. The main problem was that it wasn't constant. Sometimes she would be lovely, and then other times she would just flip. On a side note, I was blamed for leaving her in spite of the manner she treated me.. Since she was happy enough to stay in the relationship and continue as she was before. So I was seen as the bastard for ending the relationship.

On a side note, I've heard a few stories about men going to the Gardai about receiving abuse both physical and verbal/emotional and essentially dismissed. Our society is not balanced about these things. A woman's claim would be accepted and investigated immediately. A man's claim can receive more abuse from authorities. Its a bit like the claims of sexual harassment in the workplace.. it took a rather long time for any recognition that women could be the aggressors, and that many false claims by women were accepted as fact without any real investigation.. Society almost expects men to be abusers..

CDfm

Nice post klaz and very honest.

Guys dont report. Good for you in getting out of it and I will bet you are a lot happier.

Another issue that gets my back up is the abused wife defence in murder cases. Now I know you do get some real bastards of guys and women can snap but almost every time when you have a guy killed by his wife this is used with no colloborating evidence.It seems to me that the standard of proof for this is lacking.

The abuse is the abusers problem and not the victim.

metrovelvet

The guards also dismiss women. They dont like to get involved.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

The guards also dismiss women. They dont like to get involved.

That is not quite true -each station has a domestic violence officer and trainee guards get training and lectures from Womens Aid.

metrovelvet

My neighbor answered her door last week. It was her brother in law. He had his pants down and threatened to rape her. All done in front of her nine year old daughter. He went for her. She retaliated and threw him out of the hall after he pushed her onto the stairs. She chased him out of the neighborhood by throwing stones at him. Guards arent doing anything about it.

CDfm

That sounds very weird and almost unbelieveable and to do a prosecution for assault you need a witness. Was there drink or drugs involved?

If she called the Guards straight away saying she had been assaulted they would have come out to the house as an incident in progress.Then they could do something.

Has anyone seen it and someone must have if it continued onto the street?

She was able to protect herself and surely as a family-her and her husband - they can ban him from the house and not let him in in future.

It sounds like a very weird situation if this is tolerated.

limklad

metrovelvet wrote: »

My neighbor answered her door last week. It was her brother in law. He had his pants down and threatened to rape her. All done in front of her nine year old daughter. He went for her. She retaliated and threw him out of the hall after he pushed her onto the stairs. She chased him out of the neighborhood by throwing stones at him. Guards arent doing anything about it.

This is extremely rare circumstances, because sexual predators always try again and again. If a guard do not investigate, ask for the Sargent or higher, and then I would report the guard for not investigating and if that does not work then better still report it to the media that guards are not doing their job, mentioning the name of the dates of the Guards involve.

CDfm

limklad wrote: »

This is extremely rare circumstances, because sexual predators always try again and again.

And no word about the husbands and greater families reaction?????

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

That sounds very weird and almost unbelieveable and to do a prosecution for assault you need a witness. Was there drink or drugs involved?

If she called the Guards straight away saying she had been assaulted they would have come out to the house as an incident in progress.Then they could do something.

Has anyone seen it and someone must have if it continued onto the street?

She was able to protect herself and surely as a family-her and her husband - they can ban him from the house and not let him in in future.

It sounds like a very weird situation if this is tolerated.

It was new years eve. I would assume he was drunk. Yes, the 9 yr old witnessed it and another neighbor saw her throwing stones at him. She doesn't have a husband. She needs a baseball bat. Its kind of hard to get to the phone when someone is trying to rape you.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

It was new years eve. I would assume he was drunk. Yes, the 9 yr old witnessed it and another neighbor saw her throwing stones at him. She doesn't have a husband. She needs a baseball bat. Its kind of hard to get to the phone when someone is trying to rape you.

No husband so he is not her brother in law and the guards can pick him up immediately after the event -but it needs to be reported at the time.

She left it too long so they were not able to act.Thats not the same as saying the Guards did nothing but what happened is that she did not report the incident until such a time as they were powerless to act.

Why did she let him into her house when he was drunk and had they been drinking together-thats a bit mad.

metrovelvet

Her sisters husband is her brother in law. She called them after she got back in the house. She did not let him in. He walked in when she openned the door. And even if she did let him in how is she supposed to know he was going to do that? The guards took a statement. That was the end of it. They were not drinking together. Who ever said that?

metrovelvet

I love how you turn it into her fault.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I love how you turn it into her fault.

I didnt but I pointed out what the law is. You report it immediately so the guards have the power to act when he is in the area. If her sister or another family member is being abused it has to be done.

So its now her responsibility to tell her sister that he is not welcome in her house and why and never let him in again.

If she is worried she should get a panic button as part of her alarm.