Girlfriend having affair

LegacyUser

Over the last few weeks I have suspected that my girlfriend of two plus years has been having an affair.

I work unusual hours and dont get to see her as much as I'd like. A couple of nights ago while she was in the bath I looked at her phone texts. (I know it was wrong but I had to put my mind at ease). I found lots of messagas from a man telling her how amazing she was and how much hes looking forward to meeting her again, etc, etc. Hers were on a similar line. I felt the bottom had fallen out of my world, we are having problems, but I didnt think that things were that bad. I love her and was going to ask her to marry me this year.

Thing is I have to go away with my job this weekend (bringing her is not an option)and am going out of my mind thinking that they will probably be together.

How do approach this subject without telling her what I saw? (she would certainly dump me if she knew I looked at her phone)

Thing is, I could probably forgive her if she came clean, and got rid of the other guy.

I am absolutely heartbroken

Chucky the tree

Unregistered wrote: »

Thing is, I could probably forgive her if she came clean, and got rid of the other guy.

Maybe if you didnt act like such a doormat you wouldnt be treated like one? Whatever about a drunken night one night stand/kiss I dont even know how you can even think about wanting to stay with her if she has been having an affair with a guy on long term basis.

Why do you think she's having an affiar? Because shes head over heels in love with you? :pac: I somehow doubt that's how she feels.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Over the last few weeks I have suspected that my girlfriend of two plus years has been having an affair.

I work unusual hours and dont get to see her as much as I'd like. A couple of nights ago while she was in the bath I looked at her phone texts. (I know it was wrong but I had to put my mind at ease). I found lots of messagas from a man telling her how amazing she was and how much hes looking forward to meeting her again, etc, etc. Hers were on a similar line. I felt the bottom had fallen out of my world, we are having problems, but I didnt think that things were that bad. I love her and was going to ask her to marry me this year.

Thing is I have to go away with my job this weekend (bringing her is not an option)and am going out of my mind thinking that they will probably be together.

How do approach this subject without telling her what I saw? (she would certainly dump me if she knew I looked at her phone)

Thing is, I could probably forgive her if she came clean, and got rid of the other guy.

I am absolutely heartbroken

You are not married. Tell her what you suspect and the reasons for it.

And ask her to come up with an explanation.

Be prepared to hear that its all about you and be prepared to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. And be prepared to give her a timelimit to leave pack her stuff and change the locks.

If you are prepared to live with her under these conditions -fine -well you wouldnt have posted if you were.

Its your choice whether to stay unhappy or to deal with it.

MagicMarker

Break up with her. She's using you and hasn't an ounce of respect for you if she's seeing another man while sleeping in your bed. How could you ever trust her after this?

It's never easy to do, but you just have to do it.

m83

Sorry op but you've just gotta grow a pair. This woman couldn't have disrespected you any more if she tried. Somethings are forgivable but this, given the evidence, no way. Kick her out or let her walk all over you even more. Either way, this relationship is OVER.

Snowie

ads theyve all said above ...

I would say this weekend if your going away and if your going to be around people, have a ball flirt with any girl you sea etc etc etc ... dont nesscerilly have try get layed but go out have fun relise that there are plenty of women out there, monday morning dump her, get your life into gear go meeet more wimins :cool:

johndaman66

Agreed with what lots of other posters have being advising. As much as it is going to be difficult and heartbreak to make a clean break but think the writing is on the wall. What are the problems between ye (if you don't mind me asking)? What may seem to be small insignificant problems to one which can be ironed out may be serious issues to the next.

Probably of no signifigance to you now and maybe even patronising for me to mention but plenty more fish in the sea. We will probably all go through such similar heart break at some point or other in our lifes if its of any consolation to you (again probably not though unfortunately).

lolli

Hi op,

Are you sure that she is having an affair and that he just isnt a friend? I have male friends and would sometimes get messages saying "it was great to see you" or "we should meet up again soon" Was there anything indicating a sexual affair?

On the other hand, my boyfriend knows who my friends are and if he seen a message like that on why phone he would know it was only meant in a friendly manner. Perhaps you have the proof you need I dont know but if you dont have that proof dont go jumping to conclusions.

Wibbs

I agree with lolli it's possible it's a male mate, but c'mon after two years together? Chances are pretty high you would know the guy. The bit about how amazing she was and her saying the same is... OK lets call a spade a spade, it's dodgy.

You say you don't see each other enough or as much as you would like. Has she brought this up before?

There is a third possibility and one that happens quite often. Basically she could well be emotionally cheating on you.

I'll get slated for this and it is just my personal opinion and experience, but I've found a particular type of woman is more prone to do this and actually not even see it as such. "I'm not sleeping with him so it doesn't count" kinda thing. Of course the same type of woman would freak if their boyfriend was equally emotionally intimate with another woman. They know it's shared intimacy, but won't admit it to themselves.

Most cheating and certainly long term cheating is down to the cheater looking and finding something they feel or have decided they're not getting within the relationship. If that something becomes too much or is very important the relationship breaks up, if there is still life in the relationship in general, then affairs are more likely, or the person is waiting for another ship to jump to, before leaving the sinking one.

The obvious something is sex and that is the most obvious one and the one that people freak at, but also emotional/psychological needs or simple attention can be at play.

Now all healthy relationships get support from outside the relationship. Friends family etc, but there is a point where that becomes unhealthy.

If it is this kind, then it is still a big issue. Indeed I personally could see myself moving on if a partner had a night of pash with someone else. After the intial shock and the assurance it wouldn't happen again and a frank discussion whether I had anything to do with it, I could see myself trying again. I would find it much harder if it was an emotional connection. It's more intimate. I've gotten jiggy with a few women in my time, but I've emotionally bonded with very few.

In the end there's a reason she may be acting this way, whatever this way is. She could be just bored, needs more attention, is sexually frustrated(more common in women than a lot of men give credit for), she could be simply a self centered mentalist. Regardless, you have to ask her what's what and find out where you as a couple are heading. If it can be fixed and she's open about it, maybe you can move forward.

Now of course you looked at her phone. Big no no. Well out of order. She may flip and dump you for that. Well she'll flip anyway. If she loves you the chances are she'll not dump you just because of that. It would be a final straw as it were if she's looking for an excuse though.

If I was in your position I would pretend you never saw the texts. Then I would organise an overnighter just for the two of you. I would have a long chat about how you see your future together and from that gauge her response. Keep your trap shut and listen to what she's saying.

This, if it is a dodgy liaison(and I suspect it is, whatever the type), then the chances are good she has mentioned more than once in the past the things that are making her heart/crotch/eyes wander. You just haven't picked up on them. Look back at your arguments and see if they were actually sorted or did they just "blow over". If you have had a few about the same thing well then that's her sticking point. She's at the stage now at two years, where the initial buzz has worn off and now she's thinking about an actual practical future. Find out her thoughts on this future.

If she admits an affair, then I would calmly ask her to leave or leave yourself. To do otherwise will mean she will really lose respect for you. Even if you decide to start over again down the line.

My 2cents anyhoo.

Good luck.

helimachoptor

Op is it possible you could take this weekend off but tell your GF your going away, stay in a mates and ring her later in the evening or something and see where she is and if say she says she's at home chat then say you got to go and then go over there??

Elessar

I do believe I've read this exact post before....why dont you check your original post OP?

Stheno

lolli wrote: »

Hi op,

Are you sure that she is having an affair and that he just isnt a friend? I have male friends and would sometimes get messages saying "it was great to see you" or "we should meet up again soon" Was there anything indicating a sexual affair?

On the other hand, my boyfriend knows who my friends are and if he seen a message like that on why phone he would know it was only meant in a friendly manner. Perhaps you have the proof you need I dont know but if you dont have that proof dont go jumping to conclusions.

Similiar to the above, in a couple of jobs I have travelled a lot away from home (up to 50% of the time) and worked very closely with one or two male colleagues. Due to being away from home, each travelling to the same destination, etc etc, we would often text/email/call each other to discuss arrival times, meeting up, going for dinner/drinks etc, purely on a social level, given that we were essentially stuck with each other's company in a strange town/place. Texts could have looked suspicious as due to the amount of time we spent together we all became quite familiar with each other and our personal lives, and would text each other about lots of different things. Some weeks I would spend more time with those one/two colleagues than with my OH.

I'm still in touch with some of those people, and they have become good friends, and my partner at that time never met them/spoke to them/socialised with them.

So it's possible it might be a colleague she's close to, or a new friend she has met outside your social circle, as lolli says, don't go jumping to conclusions.

Wibbs suggestion is a good one, ref. chatting about the future, that should give you an idea as to what's going on. If she does admit to having an affair, I'd have the same opinion, either ask her to leave or leave yourself, personally I don't think I could stay in a relationship where I was cheated on, once I had an emotional attachment to the other person. That said, my OH reading my text/email is something I would find hard to forgive, there's nothing suspicious in either, but for me it's a matter of privacy.

Best of luck.

uberwolf

Unregistered wrote: »

(she would certainly dump me if she knew I looked at her phone)

Least of your worries tbh. From what you have said, she is having sex with someone else. Let her have that reality, and walk away from the 'relationship'. There's nothing here for you to forgive, she's been emotionally and physically unfaithful, and you're looking to forgive her before you even establish if this is the only bloke she's had since you hooked up!?!

Grow a pair mate. Confront, pack your stuff (or she can - no reason for you to be put out) Burn the sheets.

Liam Byrne

Tell her you know what she's been up to and to be gone when you come back on Monday.

Been there, mate.....and if you can't / don't trust someone what's the point ?

LegacyUser

OP here,

Why should I come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy, when i've been faithful

Kirnsy

to the kerb with her



this isn't the type of girl you want to marry

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

Why should I come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy, when i've been faithful

It's not a competition for a start. OK if you want to look at it like that.....you looked at her phone. Bad? Check. It looks like she's having an affair. Worse? Check. You win so to speak.

There are no winners here. Well there are. If you have been betrayed and you found out about it now, rather than later, well that's a good thing, though it may not feel like it now. Bullet dodged as it were.

If she has been having an affair, you also have to explore what part you played in it. I don't mean the affair itself. She has no excuse but selfishness for that. I mean the part you may have played in not growing the relationship.

Lets imagine an extreme example. Guy eases off affection and attention to his long term partner. Rarely goes out with her, rarely praises her. Mostly ignores her. There is still no excuse for that woman having an affair, but there is a reason for it.

There are always two sides to any love story. Examine yours and that way you may avoid the same mistake again. Then you'll be the real winner.

Have you sat down and talked to her yet.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

Why should I come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy, when i've been faithful

Sorry to hear of the problems dude but put it this way:

If my girlfriend came up to me and said she looked through my phone I'd get angry and ask why. If her response was "I think you're cheating on me" (when I'm not), I'd get worried and ask her why she thought that and sort it out. I wouldn't throw it away on a miscommunication.

If she did lok at for absolutely no reason and her response was "just checking up on you" id get a lot more worried. In that case, I'd have done nothing wrong and she doesn't trust me. See the difference?

Personally I think you're reasons for looking through her phone were fairly justified. A suprisingly large amount of people will say that you were terrible to have done that but the reality is that she's off ****ing someone else when you aren't around. Call me old fashoned, but I think that's worse. And the text message themselves seem worrying. I'd never text a female friend with things like "can't wait to see you again" and "I think your amazing". It'd be "let's get pissed again soon" and "you're sound". I also never get messages like "your an amazing person" from any of the girls I know either. It doesn't seem right.

Talk to her, soon as you can. Ask her does she see a future and give her plenty of time to admit an affair to you before you voice your suspicions. And a lot of people have given you good advice on what to do if she is indeed cheating on you (ie. dump her). Some men are terrible when it comes to women and get walked over. It takes a right wench to do that to a man as well. So use some logic and don't give the bitch the satisfaction. And best of luck

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

Why should I come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy, when i've been faithful

You shouldnt - if she has done wrong its not your fault so why feel guilty. Its a useless emotion.

That doesnt give you permission to be nasty in the break up. Its better to say that you wanted an exclusive relationship and what has happened doesnt work for you.Make arrangements for her mail to be forwarded to her new address and try to be dignified and not bitter.

I am sure you had some good times so it wasnt all bad. So let her do the rant and be sorry for the great guy she missed.

who007

Wagon wrote: »

Sorry to hear of the problems dude but put it this way:

If my girlfriend came up to me and said she looked through my phone I'd get angry and ask why. If her response was "I think you're cheating on me" (when I'm not), I'd get worried and ask her why she thought that and sort it out. I wouldn't throw it away on a miscommunication.

If she did lok at for absolutely no reason and her response was "just checking up on you" id get a lot more worried. In that case, I'd have done nothing wrong and she doesn't trust me. See the difference?

Personally I think you're reasons for looking through her phone were fairly justified. A suprisingly large amount of people will say that you were terrible to have done that but the reality is that she's off ****ing someone else when you aren't around. Call me old fashoned, but I think that's worse. And the text message themselves seem worrying. I'd never text a female friend with things like "can't wait to see you again" and "I think your amazing". It'd be "let's get pissed again soon" and "you're sound". I also never get messages like "your an amazing person" from any of the girls I know either. It doesn't seem right.

Talk to her, soon as you can. Ask her does she see a future and give her plenty of time to admit an affair to you before you voice your suspicions. And a lot of people have given you good advice on what to do if she is indeed cheating on you (ie. dump her). Some men are terrible when it comes to women and get walked over. It takes a right wench to do that to a man as well. So use some logic and don't give the bitch the satisfaction. And best of luck

+1

Deedsie

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

Why should I come out of this relationship looking like the bad guy, when i've been faithful

You dont have to be the bad guy. But you could come out of it like a man. Have some respect for yourself. What woman would respect a man who let her off with having an affair. Sorry if thats blunt.

partyguinness

Its not about levelling scores...

The trust is gone.

Do not marry her. IMO the relationship is dead.You have both cheated..forget about it as much as it hurts and you dont want to do it.

The cheating will continue...do you want to marry a women who is playing the field behind your back??...what if you do marry and kids come along then more cheating...the fact you cheated is not relevant.

Mate get out....please.

Wibbs

Sorry did I miss the bit where he said he cheated? Or are you talking about him checking her phone?

I do agree though, the chances are high it's all over bar the shouting. I suspect that she's lining up this guy as the replacement.

She'll be more likely to repeat this guff with that guy too, when the novelty wears off. The self centered type. Way back I had an ex that cheated on me then went off with the next guy. She was doing it for a while before too. She could look me straight in the eye and say she loved me while this was going on. Only in retrospect did I see the signs(sex easing off, more tetchy with me, emotional disconnect etc). OK she started a new relationship, fine. Not an auspicious start but hey. A year afterward, when she's moved in with the same guy and is talking about the rest of her life, she rings me and we meet and she's offering me the goodies, as he "didn't understand her the way I did". She wasn't gonna leave him, just wanted a shaggette on the side. Rinse and repeat.

If this is what it really sounds like, well then bullet dodged.

CDfm

Deedsie wrote: »

You dont have to be the bad guy. But you could come out of it like a man. Have some respect for yourself. What woman would respect a man who let her off with having an affair. Sorry if thats blunt.

Thats true. Also- picking up a phone on the way around when the text bleeps isnt such a big deal. Accidental pry more like IMO - i have done it accidentally loads of times.You cant unsee the text. If it was a text with the lotto numbers it would have been a non issue.

The real deal is that if she has been unfaithful and been caught that this may signal the end of the relationship by you.

BTW - if you have cheated yourself you have no moral high-ground. So dont take one.

Hooked

Just like Wibbs, I've been there, done that...

I remember there being a reply to an issue like this months ago, where (I think) Wibbs made a comparison between a monkey hanging off a branch and testing the next branch before letting go of the first... Really made me think at the time as it was how I was being played myself...

Back on topic. She left the "evidence" of the affair on a phone, which you had access to, unprotected by any security or password.. why? In the hope that you'd do what you did and save her the bother. And you looked... why? Possibly because you saw it coming.

The relationship is over. Learn from it and move on with your life. Don't try and "change" her, or act like a doormat.

Take it from another who's been there. You'll be much stronger and better for it in the long run. No contact (if that's possible giving shared home, friends, location), concentrate on yourself and don't look back.

That'd life I'm afraid...

qdor2

sorry to hear that dude, it sucks. I've been through something similar and I know it hurts like hell but you only have one choice here: walk away. staying with her is just prolonging the pain and the sad truth is once a cheater always a cheater. I can gaurentee you if you confront her she will break down, tell you she is sorry yada yada yada and 6 months later she'll meet someone else.

John Mason

Unregistered wrote: »

(she would certainly dump me if she knew I looked at her phone)

WHAT :eek:

you should be dumping her right now. so what if you looked at her phone, she is sleeping with someone else.

Grow a back bone and dump her right now.

LegacyUser

Hey Op! Ok, this is an easy one, shes been cheating, you've got the proof. She has heartbroken you, destroyed you, shes evil man. What you now need to do is get even, get revenge, and catch her out, otherwise she will be a serial cheater for good, remember, once a cheater always a cheater...especially when they think they can get away with it when your just gonna forgive her!

Play along as if you suspect nothing, but follow her every move. Get as much info as you can as to what shes up to, and she least expects it, hit her with what you know! You say you were gonna propose....... I heard this thing on the radio a while back, where this guy found out his girl was cheating, and he had been planning on asking her to marry him, so he rang his local radio station and told them everything that had happend, the planned proposal, the cheating..with his best mate, the lot! So the DJ rings her live on air while the boyfriend is on the other line, the DJ says then tells her that her boyfriend is on the other line and that he has something he wants to say..... the boyfriend then proceeds to tell her how much he loves her and then proposes. She is hysterical on the line and says yes and how much she loves him and blah blah blah. The DJ then cuts in and asks the boyfriend is there anything that he would like to add, then he lets it all out..... that the proposal is all a prank, that he knows all about her doing his best mate, and now they whole country knows, and she has been humiliated nationally......PURE GENIUS!!

Remember.....A leopard doesnt change its spots! Dont get mad, get revenge!

Happy new year to you!

unhappycamper

Op as a matter of interest have you noticed some odd things happening in the relationship lately, i.e>


1. She keeps her phone with her at all times and rarely leaves it about?
2. You have a sexual relationship but she shows little interest?
3. She is critical of you?
4. Has there been a point in the past where she has lied to you but you let it go?

I just want to know if there has been signals of doubt in you about her honesty and integrity towards the relationship or has this only cropped up since you checked her phone?


Look the bottom line is that it sounds very poor on her behalf and the more you brace yourself for what else is to come the easier you will handle walking away and meeting someone better.

CPT. SURF

Just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, no need to be coy Roy, just listen to me. Hop on the bus Gus, no need to discuss much, just drop off the key Lee, and get yourself free.

LegacyUser

OP you have lost your balls and your girlfriend has lost respect for you. it's saturating your posts. you find out shes off sucking someone elses **** and you're afraid to confront her because you think she'll dump you for looking through her phone.

you need to cop on mate.

if you act like a doormat, you will be treated like one. this girl knows that you are a weak man and has obviously found someone different. You are too much of a doormat.

One thing that you NEED to realise, no matter WHAT AVENUE OF APPROACH YOU TAKE...

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

I will repeat that.

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

So you can plod along and act like a doormat and lose respect for YOURSELF by trying to sort things out and get back with her (and SHE will also lose respect for you BIGTIME as a man) or you can cut your losses, get out and learn from the situation.

The choice is yours. I think you will get back with her though so good luck living that live and settling for someone who has no respect for you.

LegacyUser

unhappycamper wrote: »

Op as a matter of interest have you noticed some odd things happening in the relationship lately, i.e>


1. She keeps her phone with her at all times and rarely leaves it about?
2. You have a sexual relationship but she shows little interest?
3. She is critical of you?
4. Has there been a point in the past where she has lied to you but you let it go?

I just want to know if there has been signals of doubt in you about her honesty and integrity towards the relationship or has this only cropped up since you checked her phone?


Look the bottom line is that it sounds very poor on her behalf and the more you brace yourself for what else is to come the easier you will handle walking away and meeting someone better.

OP here,

Unhappycamper, the answer is yes to all these questions

Wibbs

Not good signs. They're all symptoms of emotional disconnect. Another one is ceasing to talk about the future, as they just don't see you in theirs and they're thinking of afterward.

If someone goes from normal couple stuff to disconnect, it generally means the relationship is on the slippery slope. Throw in the txts and it really doesn't look good.

It's usually been going on for a while. I would also say while it builds up gradually, there is often a specific point or argument where they just look at you differently. When I look back on relationships where the woman left me, in every single case but one I can now see the slow buildup of signs. I can also see the pretty much exact moment where they "fell out of love" or more to the point could see other options outside of me. The one case where I still wouldn't see these things, she was basically a fully paid up mental case.

OP you need to deal with this and deal with it now. One way or the other.

charlesanto

If you can not post something helpful and constructive with out resorting to you tube links then don't bother posting.

Brainz

Op whats the worse that can happen if you confront her?

It finishes??

The world is full of women who are probably more suited to you and even more importantly respect you.

If you feel you can forgive her you will still need to confront her so its your only option.

Hope it works out for you.

vinnyryan

Op. again I must empathise. Happened to me in a 5 year relationship. Best be 100% that the situation is what we think but to be honest doesn't look good. Consider this a narrow escape and she deserves what she gets - be brutal.:mad: Do you really want to live to thy part with someone who you will be repeatedly questionable of. I would confront it and choose my timing so that it can't linger.

Best of Luck Mate - but do remember if the worst happens that you are genuinely better off and you have the opportunity to meet and have fun with so many other women along the way.;) Take Care

Bluefoam

OP, if you feel this is over & have made up your mind. I would break up with her, but with no mention of the phone messages or the fact that you suspect her of having an affair.

Just let her know that you see no future in the relationship and that you need to get on with your life.

This should help you to get out of the relationship with your self respect & will help you get on with it. Let her do what she likes, she has lost the upper hand.

[Jackass]

Hey OP,

Sh*t really sorry to hear about what's going on. To be honest with you man, no one deserves that sh*t and you certainly deserve better than that.

Get out now and do it on your own terms, breakups are hard, especially if the other person has someone else, but fu*k her man, she's dead to you now, walk away, spend time with friends and family, first short while is the toughest, but when you go through the process of losing someone you begin to come out of the other side feeling better about yourself and I think we all forget about the freedom of being single if in a long term relationship - I think there is a brilliant window of oppertunity to live life between coming out of a serious relationship and before you feel like you want to meet somebody again - that bit in the middle, where you couldn't give a fu*k and just have the time of your life. We don't get many of them, maybe 2 or 3 in our life, some people never and you have to suffer a lot to get there, but when you're there - my god, you feel like you could do anything!! It's great.

Get the fu*k out man, she's a tramp, I'm sorry, but it's true and she's making a fool out of you. Go have fun and you'll meet someone who treats you right and makes you happy, cause you feel like you need her right now, but you're not happy. No matter what you want to believe.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I went over to her house this afternoon unanounced to see her.

I said to her what i suspected and she denied everything.
She went on the offensive (as I has expected) and told me that I was imagining things.
I then told her that I had read the texts (she went ballistic). She said that they were from an ex who still holds a candle for her. Then she said that she doesnt reply to him.
BUT, there was texts back to him, saying pretty much what he said.

Needless to say, it was a very messy break up with a huge row.
And I come out of it looking like the bad guy

[Jackass]

You're not the bad guy OP. And look like the bad guy to who?? Fu*k her, she was a total b!tch and didn't even have the balls to fess up, denying something that you saw with your own 2 eyes (the texts back).

I know it's very tough right now, but you'll look back on her as a complete skank. Don't worry about it man and fair balls to you for confronting her and getting things out in the open.

You don't deserve to be walked all over and treated like sh*t and imagine you married her!! Fu*k sake, what a mess!! You're lucky you found out and got out and she can go fu*k herself, whatever poor bastard ends up with her will have a dirty cheating whore on his hands.

Fair play dude, these are the bad times, but it gets better and you've done yourself a massive favour and stood up for yourself and got this cancer out of your life.

Well done. Onwards and upwards from here.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

I went over to her house this afternoon unanounced to see her.

I said to her what i suspected and she denied everything.
She went on the offensive (as I has expected) and told me that I was imagining things.
I then told her that I had read the texts (she went ballistic). She said that they were from an ex who still holds a candle for her. Then she said that she doesnt reply to him.
BUT, there was texts back to him, saying pretty much what he said.

Needless to say, it was a very messy break up with a huge row.
And I come out of it looking like the bad guy

Seriously man, what's your problem? What's this obsession with being the ''good guy''?

The girl cheated on you, you are NOT the bad guy.

Liam Byrne

unhappycamper wrote: »

Op as a matter of interest have you noticed some odd things happening in the relationship lately, i.e>

1. She keeps her phone with her at all times and rarely leaves it about?
2. You have a sexual relationship but she shows little interest?
3. She is critical of you?
4. Has there been a point in the past where she has lied to you but you let it go?

Jaysus! Small world! Sounds like unhappycamper knows one of my ex's!

you will handle walking away and meeting someone better.

+1. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like crap ? Why be with someone you don't trust ?

Yup, I know - hypocritical of me to ask considering the flashback to when I should have asked myself that, but hey.....you live and learn (and then do something about it and live better )

estar

a little perspective

- i wouldnt want to be in contact with an ex who held a flame for me, as it would be unfair on them and make them think they had a chance. it would also compromise a current relationship. thats because my relationship is more important to me than anything, and thats the way your ex should have felt.

- if my boyfriend was unhappy about it, i would cease any communication as i love him and wouldnt want to upset him. thats the way your ex should have reacted.

- there is no text or email more important to me than my boyfriend. there is nothing i write that could be misinterpreted therefore i wouldnt be breaking up with someone over reading an email. it is a very insecure thing to do however, and not to be encouraged. when your communication lines are that bad that you have to resort to snooping, you are already in choppy waters.
i would be more concerned that she wasnt upset you were upset and was instead defensive. is a phone more important to her than you are?

it is not about who is the bad guy or good guy thats a tad silly. its about what is good for you and what is a good base for a long term future.

the fact that you didnt see all this coming, and were still planning on marrying her, thats what you need to think about. do you really ask for so little for yourself and value yourself so little, that you were still prepared to marry someone who paid you little respect and attention.

value yourself more. see the reality that this just wasnt for you, and try not to be bitter.

the right girl is out there, and relationships with the right person are genrally easy, because you are both prepared to put everything aside for each other.

take heart and move on.

girl2

Its crap that this has happened to you. But it has. And all you can do is move on from this. It will be hard, but truly you have done the right thing. One way or another this would have eaten you up inside.....now all you have to do is get over it. Easier said than done mind you. It going to hurt like hell for a little while, especially the way that this has turned out for you. This woman completely disrespected you and your relationship, she has lied to you, has put your health at risk of STIs (if she was physical with the other guy) and she has betrayed every last piece of trust you had for her. You will probably be beating yourself up for how foolish you have been, why you did not see it, etc. etc.....but betrayal does bad things to people, it makes the person cheating do very bad things. Do not take it personally......its a thing that happens to cheaters. Just believe that karma will bite her on the ass, and the other guy wont ever be able to believe or trust her either.....once a cheater, always a cheater.

You did nothing wrong here at all. Just thank your lucky stars that you found out when you did. This is the beginning of a new year, look at it as an opportunity for you to change your life around.

Hope youre ok.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

I went over to her house this afternoon unanounced to see her.

I said to her what i suspected and she denied everything.
She went on the offensive (as I has expected) and told me that I was imagining things.
I then told her that I had read the texts (she went ballistic). She said that they were from an ex who still holds a candle for her. Then she said that she doesnt reply to him.
BUT, there was texts back to him, saying pretty much what he said.

Needless to say, it was a very messy break up with a huge row.
And I come out of it looking like the bad guy

How many times have we seen posts on this issue where we all knew the guy wasnt going to do anything and was just going to take the crap and flush his self esteem and respect down the toilet???

You did it man, fair play to you. You just took the first step to saving your sanity and I commend you- many have failed to do what you did and you have my respect, in fact you've just made my day.

Just keep with it now- dont buckle under a lonely/drunk night and go back.

Wibbs

How many times have we seen posts on this issue where we all knew the guy wasnt going to do anything and was just going to take the crap and flush his self esteem and respect down the toilet???

You did it man, fair play to you. You just took the first step to saving your sanity and I commend you- many have failed to do what you did and you have my respect, in fact you've just made my day.

Very much fair play. I agree with everything this chap or chappess wrote.

Unregistered wrote: »

I said to her what i suspected and she denied everything.
She went on the offensive (as I has expected) and told me that I was imagining things.

Well that could be the reaction of someone who was telling the truth too in fairness.

I then told her that I had read the texts (she went ballistic).

Again an understandable reaction....

She said that they were from an ex who still holds a candle for her. Then she said that she doesnt reply to him.
BUT, there was texts back to him, saying pretty much what he said.

Now you see this is where she loses me from an honesty point of view. An ex? Mmmmkay. Bigger issue in one way, lesser in another. It's lesser because, well he is an ex and she chose you not him for two years(were you right after this guy by any chance? Was he a short term thing or one of the "significant" exes?) It's bigger because she was into this guy before and those feelings can come back, especially if you've been having problems. If he doesn't have those problems and the original reasons she left him are no longer there, that can push them together and you too apart. She starts second guessing herself. Bigger because it shows shes not exactly non self aware. If he does hold a candle for her(two years later too) then she shouldn't be replying to his texts. Certainly not agreeing with him in them and apparently meeting him. At best she keeps in contact as an ego boost for her. That alone if that's all it was would be a deal breaker for me as it shows a selfish need for validation without considering anothers feelings.

In my humble, as I said in my first post, she may be telling her version of the truth and may not be physically cheating with him. That shouldn't excuse or condone this. She's still emotionally cheating on you with with him or she selfishly likes or needs the attention of this guy holding a candle for her. Even if she wasn't boning this guy, this is still not the kind of person that is a good bet for a longterm future. It really isn't. It shows selfishness, immaturity and lack of awareness on her part. really not good and a bullet dodged. If it is the case where she's just emotionally cheating it's possible she likes you, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't like you or respect you enough.

Needless to say, it was a very messy break up with a huge row.
And I come out of it looking like the bad guy

Utter bollox. Pardon my French. You need to think more of yourself. OK yea reading the txts was a bad move, but it really doesn't compare to what she has done. Now she will try to pin this all on you. People caught out usually try that guff. Do not fall for it, or the tearful phonecalls to follow where she realises the blame game isnt working and tries the heartbroken tack. There may be the classics like "I know what I've lost now and want you back" etc. Again with the added emotional stuff. Don't bend to them. Yes everyone makes mistakes but there are a few that are damned hard to come back from.

Of course this only matters if she wasn't jumping him and isn't going to go off with him now. The thing is if her ex came here looking for advice, I would suggest he watch himself in the future too.

Look to yourself. take this time to reflect. If this was your first major love then it will be harder, but you will be a better person on the other side. Good luck anyway. And if you feel the need to rant, well you have here to do that. There are women out there who won't pull this guff. Quite a few in fact.

m83

Op she only made you feel like you were the bad guy so she wouldn't get a reputation for being the tramp that she knows she is. Make sure all your friends know the truth before she starts spreading rumours about you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, just want to say you did the right thing just try and stay strong ok.
It took guts to do what you did and keep the chin up.

I so wish I had found the guts to dump my ex years ago when I first found him cheating.
I didn't and now years and years later I had to finally say"enough", only now it's not just me involved it's kids too.....see a leopard never changes its spots ok?

I know it's so hard to accept it cos you really loved the person and invested a big chunk of your life in them, made plans for future etc. etc.

The cheater will nearly always blame you...don't be fooled. As for the txting evidence well it points to her actually meeting him in the flesh doesn't it? That with the other signs(particularly the gone off sex). I could see how someone might meet an ex once to talk to get closure if their break-up was bad, but other than that no I don't buy the "innocent meeting" thing .

Sorry it hurts like hell,you have my sympathies but if it went on you could be in my shoes 15years later. All the best

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I've been following your story since yesterday and I'm glad you've confronted her. It sounds like she's from "attack is the best form of defence" school of avoiding the issue. You're not the bad guy - she's the cheater in all this and don't you forget that. She is the one in the wrong. She lied to you again tonight - she said she hadn't replied to his texts and you know that's not true - don't fall for anything she says. You've done the right thing - can you really look at her and see her as the mother of your children now? Seriously? Then you've had a lucky escape, remember that. Be strong, there are better women out there who will deserve you.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I would like to thank you all for your advice and support.

Yes she did make me feel very small for looking at her phone.
In the middle of the row she did say something along the lines of "even if I did meet someone a few weeks ago, what business is it of yours"
I rest my case.
As for the bad guy thing, She has a great family and I got on great with all of them. I'll miss them.

I feel relieved that it is all over, also sorry that it is over.
I feel like climbing under a rock for a while.

Thanks again to all of you

OP.

LegacyUser

hey OP!

Christ, sorry to hear how things turned out for you man, just read through this thread! And fair f*cks to you for tackling it head on with no beating about the bush, that was damned brave of you when a lesser man would have backed down and shyed away from the issue!

You can hold your head up!! Yes, YOU have done nothing wrong here, you can have your pride, your morals etc etc and know that you are a good person, tis she whom can hold her head in shame knowing that she has done wrong! Pity about her family to be honest, I'd have a chat with them at some stage (hopefully before she gets at them and gives them an earfull about how YOU broke up with her) and just let them know, in a respectful manner, the reason why you two wont be seeing each other, it'll say a lot about you.

Stay strong man and I wish you all the best in the future!